Late in the night while I'm tying my rope, Katniss sneaks over to visit me and tell me about Snow's plan to break her, something I've already figured out.
"This is what they're doing to you with Annie, isn't it?" she asks.
"Well, they didn't arrest her because they thought she'd be a wealth of rebel information. They know I'd never have risked telling her anything like that for her own protection," I answer.
"Oh, Finnick. I'm so sorry," she says.
"No, I'm sorry that I didn't warn you somehow," I tell her.
"You did warn me, though, on the hovercraft. Only when you said they'd use Peeta against me, I thought you meant like bait to lure me into the Capitol somehow," she lets me know.
"I shouldn't have said that. It was too late for it to be of any help to you since I hadn't warned you before the Quarter Quell, I should've shut up about how Snow operates." I straighten out the rope. "It's just that I didn't understand when I met you. After your first Games, I thought the whole romance was an act on your part. We all expected you'd continue that strategy but it wasn't until Peeta hit the force field and nearly died that I-"
"That you what?"
"That I knew I'd misjudged you. That you do love him. I'm not saying in what way. Maybe you don't know yourself but anyone paying attention could see how much you care about him." After that it is silence and I wonder if I said something wrong. Maybe she's trying to get over Peeta and doesn't want to hear about how much she really does like him. Maybe she doesn't want to confirm it for herself.
"How do you bear it?" she finally asks.
"I don't, Katniss! Obviously, I don't. I drag myself out of nightmares each morning and find there's no relief in waking. Better not to give in to it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart," I say. "The more you can distract yourself, the better. First thing tomorrow, we'll get you your own rope. Until then, take mine." I hand her the rope after untying all of my knots. I'm not sure if I will get to sleep tonight without it, so I decide not to even try. I don't want to see any more nightmares and if that means requesting more coffee in the morning, then that is what I'll do.
I spend the rest of the day just sitting there, trying to think about something pre-games. The first games.
Those days include Daniel and Noah, when we didn't have to worry about my victorship. We had people who trained for this, so there was really no reason to worry. Our life just consisted of school, coming home for a little, and then playing on the boats until late at night. Almost every night we watched the sun set, the pink color filling up the sky.
I didn't realize how much I took that for granted until I was forced to leave that behind. In the arena, the sun never sets. It just gets dark.
As kids, we were told the darkness was the scary time of the day. You couldn't see what was coming up behind you.
The arena said that the daylight was equally as violent – sometimes more.
As kids, we were told that winning the games was an honor only achieved by the lucky.
The aftermath of the arena says that what comes after is sometimes worse than what happens.
I made it out of the arena killing five people. Five deaths that I caused, not even counting the ones I witnessed. And yes, maybe with time, I could've gotten over that, maybe just a little bit. But that is just the beginning of the Capitol's torture. I can only wonder about Johanna, who killed more than that, or even Katniss. I've seen how Johanna handles it, like she doesn't have care, but she has dark moments too.
My mind wonders over there, what is happening to her and Annie. But, that hurts too much.
The last time I had a happy moment was probably age 14. I'm now 24. Ten years ago this journey through hell started.
I'm not going to lie – the amount of times when I wished it all would've ended then or now or last year are countless. All of this hurts so much. I'm sick of it. But, it would only make things worse. So, I have to keep going.
I feel numb. I don't really know what else I can do.
But, like always, morning comes and we are dismissed. I clean up and then leave the small little bunker that I hope never to return to again. Dark things happened there.
Thankfully, I'm rushed away before the darkness returns to the Command center with Katniss and Gale.
"We need all four of you suited up and aboveground. You have two hours to get footage showing the damage from the bombing, establish that Thirteen's military unit remains not only functional but dominant, and most important, that the Mockingjay is still alive. Any questions?" Coin says.
"Can we have coffee?" I ask, true to what I thought. We are given large cups of the black coffee, which I add sugar too. When I see Katniss' disgusted face at her face sip, I add some cream for her.
"Want a sugar cube?" I ask. Then I realize the reference to the old days before the Games. "Here, it improves the taste."
We all go off to get dressed up, Katniss more than me. I've downed an entire cup of the coffee by then. I ask for more, and then let me go to the dining hall. When I come back, the Command center is gone, so I let myself aboveground. I see a few scattered roses – Snow. Ugh. Katniss is just staring at the camera, empty. I give her a quick thumbs up.
"What's wrong with her?" Plutarch says.
"She's figured out how Snow's using Peeta," I say. Everyone sighs. She wasn't supposed to know, but she figured it out anyway. She isn't stupid. Then, she calls out for Haymitch and they have a little talk. It reminds me of what Mags would do, so I look away, but not before thinking that Katniss probably changed Haymitch more than she changed me. He's not even drinking anymore. I've lost it though and now I'm crying so much, they knock me out with a sedative.
When I wake up, I'm told of the plan to get Annie and Peeta out. But, I'm mostly excited about the possibility of seeing Annie again. I'm also told that Gale is a touchy subject with Katniss now that he is gone.
"If we can get it in the next few hours, Beetee can air it leading up to the rescue and maybe keep the Capitol's attention elsewhere," Haymitch tells us of the mission.
"Yes, a distraction, a decoy of sorts," I say.
"What we really need is something so riveting that even President Snow won't be able to tear himself away. Got anything like that?" Haymitch asks.
Yes, I did. Something so riveting that I couldn't even pull myself away from thinking about it. It was time to come clean, tell the world about everything. My one last attempt to convince people. Maybe it would help to say it in the open for the first time rather than just keeping it all bottled up inside.
I guess I have to spend my payment somehow.
I'm giving all my secrets away.
I'm back! Who else is excited for next chapter? I know this one is quite dark and the next one will be too. Let me know your thoughts on this chapter by reviewing!