A/N: I'm so sorry (*insert sincere, pleading look*). The muse and I are going to therapy to repair this lack of communication and inspiration. But, good news, I am on vacation now and will be writing more frequently now that I have more time.
Anywho, this chapter is actually a continuation of the previous one (which was literally written months ago) and will include some conflict.
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Marlowe is a perfect genius and I love him. That is all.
Chapter 53 - Poison & Wine
"Dot! Dot!" Lizzy squealed, jumping up and pointing a miniature finger at a golden Labrador trotting past them with a Frisbee in its mouth.
After their trip to the Museum, they sat down on the lush, green grass to enjoy ice cream in the park, drinking in the beautiful bright day, the warm sun and crisp, blue sky.
Kate laughed and sat up, curling an arm around her daughter in a loose hug. "Yes, baby, that's a dog. You like doggies, don't you?"
The little girl turned to face her mother, her eyebrows furrowed; her blue eyes sparkling and intense.
"Dot, Mama."
The detective grinned and pressed a smacking kiss against her daughter's cheek. She felt proud and excited because her daughter was beginning to talk and string sentences together.
It was completely adorable.
"I see, sweetheart."
Lizzy swivelled her head back when she heard the excited barking from the dog. She jabbered away enthusiastically, throwing her hands around and gesturing to the animal. Kate smiled and rested her chin on her little girl's shoulder, a hand on her stomach to keep her steady and close.
"Hey, what're you looking at?"
Kate whipped around, startled by her husband's voice. Rick sat down next to them after dispensing with their garbage.
"Hey," she greeted, a smile dawning over her features. "Our daughter just fell in love with that Labrador over there," she said, gesturing with her head towards the dog.
He chuckled. "Won't be long now before she begs for one."
"Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen anytime soon," Kate remarked.
Rick only grinned as he watched his daughter waddle between them.
"You underestimate the power of the Castle charm, Detective."
She laughed, a single note of amusement. "Oh, please. The Castle charm is not nearly as effective as you think, Writer Boy." She glanced at him, quirking an eyebrow; her dark eyes toying with him. "I mean, it took you about four years to get out of the friend zone."
He gaped at her in shock, sitting up. "The friend zone? Excuse me, but I was never in the friend zone."
Kate only pressed her lips together, trying not to grin. "Oh, really?"
"Yeah, okay, we were friends." Rick lifted his chin defiantly. "But I chose to be your friend and I was a good friend."
She raised an eyebrow, trying to hold onto Lizzy as she clambered all over her mother in an effort to get Kate's attention.
"Uh-huh. Except, you were trying to sleep with me the whole time."
"What?" He looked at her in mild disbelief. "Me? You're the one who was trying to sleep with me."
Kate whipped her head towards him and frowned.
"What?"
Rick smirked at her, almost leering. "Oh, come on, Kate. Don't tell me you dressed the way you did in those four years for Esposito or Ryan."
She rolled her eyes and laughed, amusement colouring the sound.
"You're so full of it, Castle."
"Well, you're not denying it, Detective," he shot back with a wry smile, bumping his shoulder against hers.
She glanced at him from beneath her eyelashes, coyly biting her lip. His flickered down to the movement, instinctively leaning closer to his wife.
"No, I'm not."
Kate leaned towards him and touched her lips to his, cool and light. He palmed her cheek and deepened the kiss, claiming ownership of her mouth and stealing her breath. Finally, they broke apart; foreheads pressed together while wearing matching grins. Just then, Lizzy squeaked out a yawn and tiredly rubbed her eyes.
Rick sat back and chuckled, rubbing soothing circles over his little girl's back. "Looks like someone is fading fast."
"Mmm," Kate hummed, brushing her fingers through her daughter's dark, curly hair. "Too much excitement for one day for our little magpie."
Little magpie?
Rick smothered a grin at the newest moniker. His wife detested nicknames and was slow to warm up to his creative ones for her and also slow to bestow him with her own titles. With their daughter, however, it spilled out of her mouth without any hesitation or warning.
It was completely adorable, of course.
"Well, we should get going then. It's getting late," he said, getting to his feet and holding a hand out to his wife.
Kate smiled and reached out for his hand, holding Lizzy closer against her. He pulled her up, his other hand coming to her waist to steady her.
"Wanna walk or take a cab?" He asked while Kate carefully placed Lizzy in her stroller.
She bit her lip. "Uh, let's walk for a while, yeah?"
"Sure." He smiled and pressed a quick kiss against her cheek, taking the stroller. Kate weaved her arm around his, her hand on his bicep and her cheek against his shoulder, failing to keep the smile from her mouth.
Happy and in love.
The day was slowly, leisurely drawing to a close - the heat simmering down to a pleasant mildness, the cool breeze gently brushing through the trees, providing a melody of rustling leaves. It felt like days gone by, like a nostalgic trip down memory lane to a place of shared experiences and memories - good, bad and every strange, mundane thing in between.
"I can't believe you are on call three days before Christmas," Rick whined as they trudged slowly through the cold, heavy snow.
"Yeah, well, welcome to the life of a New York cop, Castle," Kate retorted dryly.
It was their first Christmas together and before the call came in, they were busy with Christmas decorations - very domestic and disgustingly cute. But, alas, murder had interrupted them before they could become a cheesy Hallmark card.
He was still muttering unhappily when they arrived at the scene, Lanie and the boys already there around the body which looked like - you've gotta be kidding - the man himself-
"Hey, someone killed Santa!" Rick exclaimed, his eyes lighting up like a Christmas tree, suddenly giddy with excitement.
"My bet is on one of the elves," Ryan commented dryly.
"Nah, bro, I'm going with Mrs. Claus," Esposito piped in.
Rick grimaced and shook his head. "No, too sweet and grandmotherly to be a cold-blooded killer."
"No, think about it - it's always the sweet, normal-looking ones who go all apeshit," the Hispanic detective argued.
Rick shrugged. "I'm going with Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer."
The two detectives gave him blank, unimpressed looks.
"That's weak, bro."
"Disappointing, Castle. Very unrealistic."
"Oh, come on! It's perfectly plausible. Tired of a life of unpaid labour and tired of being whipped by a fat old man, Rudolph finally-"
"Snapped. Just like I'm about to, Writer Boy, if you don't zip it," Lanie grumbled sourly, but without any real bite. She caught Kate's eye and shook her head as if to say 'how do you stay sane?'
Kate rolled her eyes and shared a smirk with the ME, deciding to intervene in the boys' ridiculous little theory-building game.
"You know some of us are trying to catch the real killer so that we can actually go and celebrate Christmas."
Rick shrugged, his eyes dancing. "But that's what we're doing, Detective."
Kate suppressed her grin and tried to ignore her ruggedly handsome partner and his dancing eyes.
"So, Doctor Parish, what have you got?"
The three Castles were meandering through the streets of New York in silence; the smallest Castle dreaming of puppy dogs while the two adults were lost in their own thoughts.
After a few minutes, Rick caught sight of his wife, frowning and chewing on her lip.
He bumped her shoulder. "Hey, what's going on in that pretty head of yours?"
Kate looked up, startling at his voice, and gave him a tilt of her lips.
"Nothing. . . Just thinking about how we need to start looking at preschools for Lizzy. I've already found some great ones that have fantastic programmes."
He jerked to an abrupt stop, completely caught off guard. They haven't really discussed it; sure, they found a good daycare centre to take Lizzy to when both of them had to work. But putting her in preschool hadn't even made onto the agenda of things that needed to be discussed and negotiated.
He felt blindsided.
"What?" His chest felt tight, the air sucked out of his lungs. "W-what do you mean?"
She lazily lifted a shoulder, seemingly unfazed by his shocked reaction. It pissed him off - that subtle demonstration of indifference at his show of emotion that Kate was so good at. Like what he felt was always an overreaction or melodramatic and not worth so much consideration. Like he was a naughty kid seeking for attention.
"Castle, we need to find her a preschool. She's over eighteen months old."
He shook his head, brow furrowing. "Yeah, so? What's your point?"
She stared at him like he had grown a second head. She crossed her arms defensively, sensing an argument on the horizon.
"Rick, other kids go to daycare or preschool at a very early age. Some when they're only a few months old."
He clenched his jaw, feeling offended for some reason. Was she thinking of a preschool because she didn't think he was doing a good enough job? Oh, they've had their share of arguments and disagreements about parenting - ranging from sleeping routines to discipline.
"Why do we have to, Kate? We have the luxury of me being at home. Alexis didn't go to any daycare or damn preschool when she was a baby and she turned out just fine. Believe it or not, but I'm not completely useless at taking care of our kid."
It would be a cold day in hell if Richard Castle shipped his kid off to some stranger-
"Are you freaking kidding me?" Kate hissed, trying to keep her voice down; her green eyes suddenly coming alive with anger.
"God, Castle, I'm not questioning your parenting skills, you asshole," she grit out. "I'm thinking about what our daughter needs." He opened his mouth to make another comment, but she beat him to it. "And she needs to be around other kids her age. She needs that interaction, that stimulation."
"So, that's it? You decide and I just have to say 'yes, dear'," he barked out, hands fisted around the stroller handle.
Kate growled in frustration, dropping her head into a hand, rubbing her forehead. They were not one of those couples who argued on a busy New York sidewalk.
Well, there's always the exception to the rule, wasn't there?
"Can we just not do this right here? Let's just get home. I don't want to make a scene in public."
"Yes dear," Rick bit out sarcastically, turning away from her and resuming the trek back to their loft. Kate narrowed her eyes and literally almost bit her tongue from making a comment.
He was on edge; the line of his shoulders tense and his body rigid with restrained anger. She hung back, unwilling to be near him right now when both of them were hot under the collar - and not in a good way. When they fought, things could get nasty sometimes.
How the hell did such a great day turn into this?
They stopped at a crossing, less than a block away from their apartment building. Both wearing unhappy scowls and trying, but failing, to ignore the other one. When the light turned green, the throng of people pushed them along and caused Kate to accidently step on her husband's heel.
"Damn it, Kate, watch where you're going," he snarled under his breath, his hostile eyes finding hers.
She jerked her head to look at him, quickly masking the apology and hurt that flashed across her features and replacing it with anger.
"God, Castle, grow up," she shot back hotly, walking out in front of him.
He let out a sardonic laugh. "Yeah, of course that's the problem. I'm a child, right?"
"Well, it is the problem now." She turned to look at him as they reached their apartment building. "You're acting like a spoilt brat - throwing a temper tantrum before giving me a chance to state my case."
"No, I don't think that's it." He shook his head, his eyes hard on her. "The problem is that you feel guilty for not being here and you're jealous that I get to spend time with her. And now you want to even things out."
Kate flinched and went stock still, face blanching. Her mouth parted on a silent, pained gasp. They stared at each other for a long time, the hurt and absolute devastation bleeding out over her face.
Shit, this was bad. Very bad. He wanted to take it back, but it was too late because-
She was already turning around and listlessly entering the building, shoulders slumping and a hand going to her cheek. Rick let out a heavy sigh and screwed his eyes shut. After a few moments, he opened his eyes again and pushed the stroller forward, silently thankful that his daughter was fast asleep and unable to witness the complete jackass her father could be.
Big, stupid mouth.
Shit. What just happened?
The one moment, they were yelling at each other inside her apartment and next one, he's standing alone outside her apartment. He lifted his hand to knock on her door, but hesitated. They needed time to cool off. Translation: Kate needed space. He sighed heavily and leaned against the door, hoping, wishing she was still standing just on the other side.
But even if she was, he needed to leave, needed to give what she asked of him. So he pushed off the door, turned and walked away; willing his feet to keep moving forward and away from her.
That had been one of the nastiest, cruellest fights he's ever been in. He has the scars to prove it. . . and she probably has some of her own to show as well.
It all started when he found her homemade murder board.
She had been dismissive when he voiced his concerns and had waved him off when he pointed out that she was still having nightmares. That made him angry and somewhat bitter.
"Why didn't you tell me about this, Kate?" He had demanded.
"Because it's none of your damn business, Castle. It doesn't concern you," she all but yelled back. That hurt like hell and he snapped back, telling her that she was hiding in her mother's murder, too scared, too much of a coward to live her life, to love him completely.
He saw the horrible transformation that took place in her after those words; how she built up those notorious walls, how her eyes shuttered. And worst of all, how cold, shut off her voice sounded when she had told him:
"You know what we are, Castle? We're over. Now get out."
It was eerily quiet in the elevator ride up to their penthouse apartment. Rick kept sneaking glances at his wife, trying to gauge just how badly he had screwed. Judging by her clenched jaw and too tightly controlled poker face, it was pretty bad.
Instinctively, he shifted closer, needing some sort of contact. Kate, however, moved away from him - needing space. He sighed and turned his attention back to the toddler in the stroller. Lizzy was still sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware of the heavy tension between her parents.
Rick mustered his courage and reached out a finger to brush against his wife's hand. She immediately retracted her hand as if burned and folded her arms.
"Don't touch me," she said softly, her voice sounding like shattering glass. He turned to look at her, taken aback by acidity in her tone. She was like a wounded animal - hurt and dangerous. Her eyes glittered, body rigid, walls up.
The doors opened and she quickly stepped out. He sighed again and followed her.
"Kate, I'm-"
She whipped around, that careful blank mask slipping to reveal the wounded woman behind it. Shit, she was crying.
"Don't."
He grabbed her wrist. "Please, just. . . I'm sorry, okay?" She was glaring at him, chest heaving with the effort of trying to keep her tears at bay. He felt a dark desperation clawing at his guts to repair the damage. "I'm so, so sorry. Please, I'll do anything to make it up to you."
Her mouth twisted into a cruel, unhappy sneer. "Maybe we should go for counselling, Rick."
Oh. Oh, wow - that hurt.
He recoiled and dropped her wrist, stepping back. That was. . . vicious. Yes, Kate could be vicious and absolutely heartless - and he didn't like (hated) that side of her. Especially when she was using his vulnerability, his own insecurities against him.
All's fair in love and war, supposedly.
But, God, it hurt like a sonofabitch. She knew what that meant to him, how he was the one in his previous marriages to suggest marriage counselling in an effort to save them and how that particular plan of action had failed. She knew and yet-
Oh, well, judging by the guilt all over her face, at least she was showing some form of remorse.
He swallowed hard, one hand pushing the stroller forward, the other hand - shakily - fishing out the keys out of his pants' pocket.
"Castle," she murmured, her voice raspy and strained; her tone coated with apology.
He unlocked the door and pushed it open. "Guess we're even now," he muttered, suddenly so very tired before walking into their home.
"I brought you coffee," she said softly, holding out the cup to him like a peace offering, an apology. His eyes flickered from the cup to her face again, hesitant and eager at the same time.
After a while, he stepped back and opened his door to her. A peace offering, an apology. Her lips briefly lifted, like a weight had been removed from her shoulders. As she passed him, he took his cup of coffee from her.
"Thanks," he murmured, giving her a small smile which she returned. He closed the door and turned to face her and was suddenly struck by how vulnerable and small she looked, standing there in his living room, fidgeting with a coffee cup and chewing on her lip.
When she lifted her eyes to him, they were glistening with tears. "Rick, I'm so sorry."
He raked a hand through his hair and set the cup of coffee on the nearest surface. "Okay. . ." He stepped closer to her, hope blooming in his chest. "I'm sorry too, Kate. The things I said were-"
"Accurate," she cut him off, putting her cup on the coffee table and moving towards him. "You were right, Castle. I was hiding in my mother's murder." He tried to say something, but she placed a hand against his mouth; her fingers warm and soft. "But I don't want to anymore. I want to live, I want to be free." She moved her hand from his mouth to his chest, laying it over his sternum.
"I want it all with you."
His lips curved hesitantly, his eyes sparkling with anticipation. "Yeah?" He covered her smaller hand with his larger one.
Her face transformed into beautiful joy, quantified in a wide, carefree smile.
"Yeah."
He kissed her then, hard and a little desperate; happiness released in movement of his lips over hers, the slide of her tongue against his.
"I love you, Kate. I love you," he murmured fervently against her mouth.
She grinned, winding her arms around his shoulders and pressing her body closer to his.
"I know, Castle. I love you too." She hugged him tightly. "We'll get through this."
"Come on, baby. Let's get you to bed."
Rick lifted his little girl out of the stroller, meeting her bleary eyes and unhappy whimpering. "Shh, it's okay. Mommy's going to tuck you in, Sweet Pea." He turned towards Kate who was regarding them with tenderness, but as soon as she had his attention, she masked that gentleness and held out her arms for the baby.
He hugged his daughter and kissed her cheek before handing her to Kate, trying, but failing to catch her eyes. She turned and walked away, whispering to their daughter. He sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face.
"Kate."
She stopped and turned around, suddenly looking very weary. "Go write, Rick. We'll talk later," she said quietly, her voice sounding like a white flag.
He nodded and swallowed back the tightness in his throat.
"Okay, yeah."
An hour later, Kate found him in his office, typing away furiously and seemingly lost in his own world. Sometimes, she was envious of that - how he could lose himself to solitude in his words, how he could go to a completely different place and find distraction in his stories. She leaned against the door frame and watched him for a moment, just admiring, appreciating how. . . beautiful he was. She was still mad and hurt as hell, but an hour of cooling down provided her with some perspective and insight.
They both had some serious insecurities simmering underneath the surface that needed attention.
"Castle," she called softly and he looked up at her, startled by the intrusion. He sat back and seemed less burdened, but still wounded.
Kate stayed by the door, making no move to come closer. She needed physical distance while he didn't. Sometimes, he wished that she would break that rule, that she would compromise and give a physical step towards him.
Rick sighed. "So, I suppose we have to talk about today, huh?"
Kate let out a laugh, pushing off the door frame and moving towards his desk, sitting on the edge. He shot her a surprised look, his mouth curving into a grin.
"Yeah, it would seem so."
A few moments of awkward silence followed before they said at the same time:
"I'm sorry."
They shared a smile which seemed to break the awkward tension a little bit. Rick leaned forward and was tempted to reach for her hand, but decided against it, knowing that would be pushing it.
"Kate, I'm sorry. I overreacted and what I said. . . God, I'm so sorry. I. . . wasn't thinking." He stared at her, his eyes boring into her. He gave up on not reaching out to her and took her hand in his, forcing her to meet his eyes. She was near tears - again. "Please. . . I'm sorry so, honey. Forgive me?"
She rewarded him with a watery smile - just a upward curl of her mouth - and met his eyes.
Eventually she nodded and softly said: "Okay, I forgive you."
She chewed on her lip and he waited her out, knowing she was forming a response. "Why did you react the way you did, Rick? It's not like I'm suggesting we send our daughter off to boarding school."
He sighed and sat back, suddenly feeling stupid for his reaction. "I- To be honest, I felt a little blindsided by the whole thing. We haven't even talked about it and here you were suggesting we start looking at preschools."
She frowned. "I thought that was us discussing it. What do you have against preschools, anyway?"
"Nothing, nothing. It's just. . ." He let out a heavy breath. "Alexis wasn't in a preschool until she was four or five - and even then, I wasn't keen on the whole idea. She was my responsibility and I loved it," he said with a wistful smile. Kate regarded him with soft eyes, imagining a young, clueless Rick Castle trying to give his little girl everything she needed.
He was such a wonderful father.
"Meredith left when she was two," he said quietly. She knew this already, he had told her about how his two marriages fell apart, but her heart broke every time. He spoke after a few silent moments, trying to settle his emotions.
"And it was just us - me and my little redhead against the world." He smiled again, his eyes painted with fatherly affection as he looked at the photo on his desk of himself and a young Alexis.
"I wanted her to know that she would never be alone - even though her mother left. That she was loved." His voice cracked at that. "That I would always be there for her, no matter what. That my career wouldn't be more important, that nothing would be more important than her." He met his wife's eyes, his own teeming with tears. "I just want our daughter to know that too."
Kate was suddenly in front of him with her hands on his face. "She does, babe. You're a great dad, Castle." She kissed him delicately, her lips like candy floss against his mouth. "But, honey, you're not doing this alone."
He nodded, his eyes falling shut. "I know," he rasped, feeling too raw and too vulnerable.
"And you know I'm not questioning your parenting skills." He nodded again and opened his eyes; she had shifted back to sit on the desk right in front of him. "Hell, if someone's parenting should be questioned, it should be mine."
Damn.
It was meant as a joke, but he didn't find it funny. She had her own insecurities about not being there enough, about missing out, about not being what her daughter needed.
And he just stirred it up today when he brutally used those insecurities to hurt her.
He touched her knee. "Kate, don't do that." She looked at him. "You are great and you're here and you love her. You're the best mother that little girl could ever ask for." He rubbed his thumb along her knee cap. "And hey - you said it yourself, I'm not doing this alone and I couldn't have asked for a better partner in this. "
"I know." She nodded and took a breath, wiping her cheeks. "And I'm sorry for what I said. I was hurt and I wanted to lash out. I didn't mean to-" She stopped abruptly, shaking her head. "No, actually I did mean to hurt you and. . . I'm so sorry for that, Rick. That was cruel." She weaved her hand through his that was still on her knee.
"Forgive me?" She asked softly, her voice breaking.
He pulled her off the desk into his lap for a bone-crushing hug. "Always," he said, his mouth against her temple. "You know I love you even when I hate you, right?"
Kate breathed out a laugh, thin and fragile. She pulled back and gave him a small smile, a hand brushing along his jaw.
"Good to know. Ditto by the way 'cause I really hated you this afternoon."
"I deduced as much." He smiled. "You were thinking of ways killing me, weren't you?"
She laughed, a little brighter. "Actually about reasons for why I shouldn't."
He smiled and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.
"Mm, that's comforting."
Even though the wounds were still fresh, things were getting better if they could joke about it.
They were silent for a few moments before Kate lifted an eyebrow and asked:
"So. . . truce?"
He nodded in agreement and softly agreed. "Truce."
Kate shifted off his lap, holding out her hand for him to take which he did without hesitation.
"You wanna discuss the whole preschool thing now?"
He groaned as she pulled him along to their bedroom. "No, please not. Can we leave that discussion for tomorrow? I'm depressed enough already as it is."
Kate grinned and nodded. "Yeah, we could do that."
He pulled her back to him as they walked into their bedroom.
"Wanna have passionate, slightly angry make-up sex?"
She laughed, full and rich. It made his gut clench.
"As enticing as that sounds and as tempted as I am, can we take a rain check? I'm not really in the mood," she said, biting her lip. "I kinda just want to cuddle with my guy."
And lick our wounds.
He gave her a gentle smile, bracketing her waist with his arms and leaning in to rest his mouth against hers, his lips finding their home in her kiss.
"Sounds good to me, Mrs. Castle."
[][][]
It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all
The opposite of love's indifference
Pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out
And I wont leave until you come downstairs
So keep your head up, keep your love
A/N: Call me sadistic, but I kinda like writing conflict between them. And I enjoyed exploring that facet of their relationship in this chapter. I hope it was good for you too.
Your reviews are like drugs - the good kind of course.
Title - The Civil Wars' song of the same title.
Lyrics at the end - from the song 'Stubborn Love' by the Lumineers.
Apologies for any grammar/spelling mistakes.