A/N: ALRIGHT IM BACK. Pulling through the shit life throws at ya slowly but surely and feeling a helluva lot better about it. Thanks for being patient guys ^^ (...I am such a broken record omg kill me.)
Do you see why it takes me forever now to write this story? Natsu doesn't have a name and he doesnt talk. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO WRITE HIM TALKING TO PEOPLE THAT AREN'T WOMEN?! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT SCENE WITH HIM, LYON AND GRAY WAS?! omg it was terrible. Still one of my fave scenes though.
When Lucy's made sure he's had time to process and let everything sink in, she calls Gray and Yukino back into the room. Lyon follows. Meredy isn't with him.
There are quick, hushed conversations between Yukino and Lyon, and Gray and Lucy, but he doesn't pay them much attention. He sticks to the wall, now behind Wendy, to keep an eye on everyone. If Wendy trusts them, he'll give them a chance, but he can't let his guard down.
Even if they don't intend to hurt him or Wendy, that doesn't mean something won't happen.
Lyon takes the initiative to interrogate Lucy, much to Gray's irritation, and get the answers he'd been goading Gray for back in the hall. Lucy responds with everything she can remember. She went looking for him when he'd disappeared from the gathering, found him with Karen, and then kept him from attacking.
"He wasn't thinking clearly," Lucy's tone leaves no room for challenge. "Karen provoked him. I stopped him. But there was no way he wouldn't react violently and on instinct when it comes to self preservation. You know that."
Lyon, though slightly reluctant, seems satisfied enough with Lucy's answer.
But Lucy's not done.
"Even then, when I was unconscious and he could have easily killed me to break the binding and escape, he didn't. He could have killed Karen. He could have just run and left both of us there. There were a lot of things he could have done in that situation," she continues.
No. He couldn't have done any of those things.
"But he chose to save me instead." She glances back over her shoulder to him, golden gaze warm. "He wrapped me up as best as he could and chose to save me even when he had no reason to think he should."
Lucy turns back to Lyon.
"That's something to consider."
He didn't really have a choice though. Confused or not…scared or not…there was no way he could leave someone who was that loved by so many people to die like that. Not when he was the cause, even if it was an accident.
Not if there was a chance that she was everything she claimed to be.
He looks over to Wendy.
And it seems that they all are.
"Her wounds were pretty fresh when I found him with her," Gray continues, and Lyon turns his focus to him. "So it's safe to say there were only a few minutes between when that had happened and when I showed up." Gray looks away from Lyon, over to him. "Yeah?"
He nods. It wasn't very long. He'd been grateful for that.
"Cana's back at the house, strengthening the barrier since Karen managed to get inside," Gray tells Lucy. "She does good work with as little magic as possible, so everything should be fine. Especially now that you're up and moving."
Lucy nods. "Thanks for the infusion, by the way," she tells Yukino.
Yukino smiles. "Anytime, Lucy. Really. You don't ever have to thank me for that."
Lyon crosses his arms over his chest. "Why'd the barrier fail, then?" he asks.
Lucy visibly tenses at that. "Not sure. Could've just been a fluke—"
"Cut the crap." Gray glares. "You know exactly why it failed. You need to talk to Yukino about this now."
Lucy's head hangs and her knuckles turn white where they grip the table. "It's fine, Gray. I was just tired."
"You almost died, Lucy!" Gray yells, standing so quickly his stool catches against the jagged stone of the floor and topples over backward. "This has nothing to do with exhaustion, I swear to all that is fucking holy—"
"Gray." A wave of calm penetrates through his chest down to the bone. Yukino's voice is so soft. "It's okay."
Gray shakes his head and covers his face. "No, it's not. She's taken on too many of us. We're draining her."
The room falls silent. Even of breathing.
"Lucy?" Yukino rests a hand on Lucy's shoulder.
More silence.
"It's fine," Lucy starts, but Gray cuts her off.
"It's not fine," he growls. "It's not fine and you know it. This is killing you, Lucy. Look where you are because of it! The next binding you take on will be the last. Witches can't live without magic. You know this!"
"I know I know this, Gray!" Lucy's head snaps up and she levels a glare. "I know, okay?! But it's fine! I'm fine! I've been dealing with it for years and I can keep at it!"
The hand Yukino has on Lucy's shoulder tightens.
"You're lying, Lucy," Yukino says gently. "You know you're lying."
Tears build in Lucy's eyes. "It's nothing. They're dealing with so much more than me—"
"It's not a contest, Lucy," Yukino shakes her head and comes round to rest her free hand on Lucy's other shoulder. "It's okay to be honest about whether and when you're in pain."
Lucy says nothing.
"So, be honest with me, because I know when you're lying." Yukino tilts Lucy's face up until she's looking at her. "Do you have too many bindings?"
Lucy bites down on her lower lip. It's chapped, and the pressure from her teeth rips at a flayed area of skin until it beads with blood.
"It's okay to answer, Lucy," Yukino cradles Lucy's face in her hands. "It doesn't make you a bad person or friend to be honest about your wellbeing."
Lucy closes her eyes.
"Do you have too many bindings?" Yukino asks again, and Lucy's face contorts.
The tears fall.
"Yes," her voice breaks, and she chokes back a sob. "I can't keep up. Yukino…I can't. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard, but—" she cuts herself off and curls in, head in her hands and elbows on her knees.
Yukino's pulling Lucy into her within seconds.
He can feel it. Through the binding. Her giving in to her exhaustion.
"Nobody's disposable, Yukino," Lucy voice is slightly muffled, but still easy to understand. "I can't pick who to get rid of. I can't."
"You're not getting rid of anyone, Lucy," Yukino tells her, combing fingers through Lucy's hair. "Nobody's going to think that that's what you're doing. They're just going to feel worried about whether you're okay, and then maybe guilty for not noticing."
Lucy shakes her head. "It's not their fault—"
"And it's not yours either," Yukino finishes. She pulls Lucy closer, securing her arms more tightly around Lucy's shoulders. "It's nobody's fault, and they're not going to think that they're disposable. You know that."
"I promised them…" she whispers, "…I promised them I would never abandon them."
"And you've followed through on that promise time and time again," Yukino declares. "Time and time again you have saved them, and this is one of those times you will save them again, because if you don't…you will die, Lucy."
Lucy buries her face a little deeper into Yukino's shoulder.
"You will die, all their bindings will be negated, and you will have helped no-one." Yukino's tone is lovingly harsh. "You can't help them if you don't take care of yourself."
Lucy nods.
"Alright," Yukino gently pulls away from Lucy before looking to the rest of the room. "Give us a bit?"
Gray and Lyon nod before making their way to the door.
Wendy turns to him.
"C'mon," she smiles, "let's go outside."
She takes his hand and guides him down the ever-winding halls, knocking once in awhile on a corner or wall and swiftly pulling him through before they shift back to normal. These ones aren't entirely dirt, though. Sprigs of ivy sprout from the ceiling and along the walls, and vines line the creases where wall meets ceiling and wall meets floor.
The farther along they go, the thicker the vines get and the more dense the ivy becomes until the green of the leaves fades to a pale yellow.
And then they're outside again.
The sun is now just beginning to rise, and whereas before all he'd been able to see was a hill with surrounding forest and rocks, the morning brings a whole new swell of colours.
Oranges, yellows, reds, purples. The whole clearing is bursting with life as light filters in through the canopy of overhanging tree branches. It warms his face and makes his stomach flip and he closes his eyes to feel the tingle over his cheeks.
"Feels like living in fire, huh?" Wendy asks.
He nods, and can't help the smile that breaks. The pull of the muscles feels foreign, a little stiff, but that only makes him grin wider.
His vision is slightly blurry when he finally opens his eyes to look down at Wendy who just stares back at him, the embodiment of pure joy.
She tugs him down until they're both sitting, leaning back against the now closed, vine-covered entrance of Yukino's home. He leans his head back against the soft ivy and breathes in the strong, musty scent of wet leaves. The stiffness dissipates from his neck and shoulders as he sinks further down.
He faintly registers Wendy telling him she'll make sure he's safe before his body takes over and succumbs to exhaustion.
—
It's the feeling of fingernails against his scalp that brings him back. It tickles, sends shivers down his spine, and helps him to relax further into his skin. He's on his side now, cheek on something soft, and a familiar scent surrounding him.
Wendy's still there.
The sun is a little higher now, warmer.
There's a rustling of leaves and another shifting of dirt and then Lucy's scent joins them.
Wendy shifts and he sits up from where he'd been laying on her lap. She must've moved him in his sleep. His eyes are a little dry, he's completely exhausted, and rubs at them to alleviate some of the soreness.
Lucy's looking down at the both of them when he finally manages to focus on her. "We have to head back in a little bit."
Wendy tilts her head slightly. "Are we coming with you?"
Lucy nods. "Yeah. We can't swap any bonds here."
"I take it Lyon's tagging along then?"
The completely unimpressed look on Lucy's face is laughable. "Like you even have to ask."
Wendy laughs.
"You can come too if you want," Lucy says to her, glancing to him for only a split second, "I'm sure he doesn't want you going anywhere anytime soon."
"Yeah," Wendy shifts to standing, rubbing at one of her thighs and wincing a little, "I'm not wanting to let him out of my sight anytime soon either."
Lucy follows Wendy's movement, the hand on her leg. "You alright?"
Wendy's brow furrows. "Yeah, why wouldn't I—oh," she snorts, "yeah. Just pins and needles."
Lucy lets out a relieved sigh. "Good."
Wendy looks down to him and gives his shoulder a squeeze. "I gotta go grab a few things. I'll be back out soon, okay?"
He nods and pulls himself up.
She's taller than when he saw her last. Not by much, but she'd come up to his collarbone before, and now she stood just a little ways below his jaw.
He hooks his chin over the top of her head and wraps his arms around her shoulders. She grips at his back, tight. He can smell her tears. Happiness. Not sadness.
He watches as she disappears back into the tall hill of dirt.
"She used to talk about you a lot."
He snaps around to see Lucy staring at him with a faint smile.
He cocks his head to one side.
"Back when Yukino first found her, she didn't talk much," Lucy elaborates, taking a step closer and drawing the cloth of the cloak tighter around her. "Her trauma was still fresh and adjusting to what we do here and seeing we can be trusted took her some time. But when she did, and allowed Yukino to bind her, she flourished."
Lucy seemed to glow and burst with affection at the thought, even though Wendy wasn't bound to her.
"Yukino eventually asked her what had finally prompted her to accept the binding." She bites back a smile and tilts her head to the sun. "And Wendy said that someone, who by everything but blood she considered to be her brother, once told her if she didn't hold on to the belief that good exists in this world, she would never live. Only survive."
Lucy looks to him.
"She fought for it. Every day. She fought to believe in the good. She would tell us sometimes about who it was who'd told her that. How she believed him because he existed. He existed as something good in a life she'd been scraping by in until then."
He remembers telling her that.
He'd barely been able to hold it together when the witch had come to get Wendy from within their cell barrier. She'd barely been bound a few days at the time, and from what she'd told him hadn't experienced too many horrors at the hands of her previous witches.
But he knew what this one did. He knew why this one had wanted Wendy.
She'd been thrown back in, physically okay. No cuts or scratches, but absolutely drained, and dulled eyes. She'd barely made it a few seconds after the witch left before she collapsed into tears.
He was quick to muffle them in his shoulder.
This witch made the familiars fight until they were unconscious, healed them the barest amount so they wouldn't die, and then threw them back in the ring the next day. Win, and you're fed. Lose and you starve. Each time was more violent than the last. He should know.
He remembered telling that to her then.
He didn't expect it to stay with her like that.
"It hurt her to remember," Lucy continues, a thoughtful expression ghosting over her. "It hurts all of us to remember the ones we love when they're gone. But she drew strength from you."
Hold on to the belief that good exists, or he'd only survive, huh?
His origin aches.
He rubs absently at the center of his chest.
"May I?"
He looks to Lucy, who's hand is outstretched toward his. Why? What is she wanting to do?
She answers his unspoken question. "You're covered in blood."
He blinks and looks down and for the first time notices that it's not just his hands that are coated. Red is streaked up his arms too.
He checks the rest of his body, but from what he can see there isn't any anywhere else.
He holds out his fists, keeping them bunched tight. He's not sure what she'd be able to do here to wash the blood away, but—
A thin layer of frost curls up his arms, instantly melting into beaded droplets of water that she begins to rub it into his skin. The water slowly begins to turn pink, and when it does, she wipes it away with the fabric of her cloak.
It's a slow process, but she eventually gets to his hands that he's reluctant to open them for her. He hates them. The claws. He doesn't know when his fingers morphed into talons that slice through everything like butter, but he's always hated them. He hates the colour even more.
Though she washes the blood away, they're still stained.
The continuous swirl of frost is captivating. He's never seen a witch use so many different magics before.
He doesn't realize he's staring until she extinguishes the magic and he jerks out of his trance at her laugh.
"Yeah, I gotta say, Gray's magic is one of my favourites," she smiles, tugging at the fingers on her right hand with her left. "Though I rarely ever use it because it requires a concentration and accuracy I'm not entirely comfortable with. One slip in my confidence and…" she trails off.
She's using…Gray's magic?
She studies his face, and seems to read his confusion. Her eyes widen. "Oh."
Oh, what?
Lucy looks at him quizzically. "You don't know why witches collect familiars, do you?"
Yeah. He does. Power. Status. Protection. What does she think he is, an idiot?
Lucy holds her hands up and waves them frantically. "No, no! I mean, aside from the obvious! Like yeah, a lot of it is for protection and power when fighting other witches. But there's another reason."
He just blinks at her.
"Witches don't showcase it really," Lucy starts, crossing one arm over her chest and resting the other on top. She makes a vague gesture as she continues. "So it's not common knowledge and they definitely wouldn't go around flaunting it."
She's dancing around the subject. It's annoying.
He lets out a snorted growl.
Lucy seems to get it, because next thing he knows, her free hand is flipped palm up and a low flame is burning in the palm of her hand. Which isn't unusual. He's seen other witches use fire before. So what's she getting at here.
"This is your magic."
He blinks.
What?
"Witches have a base magic," she tells him, snuffing out the fire. The fire is immediately replaced with a dim glow emitted from her fingertips. "Mine is light, and by association and practice, memory magic."
Memory magic.
"With enough practice, you can manipulate the light within other people's bodies." She rubs her hands together before holding them an inch or so apart. "If you develop pinpoint accuracy, you can change the way light fires within the brain, and if you're good enough, you can project or manipulate."
…is she saying—
"Aside from basic light attacks, I can view other people's memories, or project my own into their heads."
Pinpricks of light, beams half the width of a hair, begin to spring back and forth between her palms and fingertips. They twist, turn, curve, wrap around the backs of her hands and her wrists. They move and curl until they're forming words and symbols and pictures, all individual of each other. Each strand, he can feel through the binding, requires an amount of concentration he's never had to apply to his own magic.
This witch is absolutely insane.
The fact her sigil is on her face is no joke. She really does have that much power.
The light strands begin to dissipate one by one.
She really is unreal.
"Do you know the difference between witches and familiars?" she asks suddenly, once the last light fizzles out. Her gaze is back on him now, once again piercing with an intensity that has him anxious.
He shakes his head.
Lucy looks down at her hands, and then to the leaf-covered entrance to Yukino's.
She brings a hand up to one of the vines and traces it with her fingers.
"Magic is energy," she says, laying her palm flat. "It's the energy in everything. It lives in the earth, it moves through the trees. It runs down the rivers. It vibrates in the rocks. It's everything. It's pure, unfiltered life."
The space around her fingers shimmers, iridescent beneath the sun's rays.
"Naturally, our bodies possess the ability to manifest magic in pre-disposed ways." She looks to him. "You have an affinity to fire. I have an affinity to light. Gray, ice. Wendy, cell division that she uses to heal."
She holds her free hand out for his.
He slowly extends his toward hers.
She rests his claws by her fingers.
"Can you feel it?"
He concentrates, fingers curling around the vines and into the dirt beneath. He can feel his heart pounding, his breathing, his own magic. He can feel the rough slick of the ivy, the coolness of the ground and grass.
And an ever so faint rush of energy.
He blinks.
"So you can," she smiles. "Most familiars can to some extent if they concentrate."
What's that got to do with anything?
"That's the only difference." The smile fades, replaced with a slight sneer. "The only damn difference between witches and familiars, is witches have the ability to process the raw energy of the earth, and refine it into what we call magic, and familiars don't. That's the only thing."
He tries to pull on the energy he can feel within the hill, the way he does magic from his origin, but beyond the slight rush he feels, he has no control over it.
"We are channels. We can harness it and pass it on to others. Familiars can hold and use magic, but can't actually get it themselves. That's it." She clenches her jaw and he can smell salt again. "And somehow, at some point, someone decided that that meant they could manipulate people into doing what they want because they were inferior."
He involuntarily reaches for her before yanking his hands back.
Lucy scrubs viciously at her eyes and wipes her cheeks. "Which is stupid, because witches are only as powerful as they are because of the bindings they make." She lets out a wet laugh. "I mean, do you know how rare some magics are? Do you know how rare fire is?"
He cocks his head to one side. Fire wasn't rare. Every witch he's ever had has used it at some point.
Lucy studies his face briefly before answering his unspoken confusion. "It's rare. Very rare. Aside from witches being able to use bindings to control people, they're a channel to have access to other magics in addition to their own."
He rubs at his forehead with the heels of his hands.
"Familiars pull on the raw magic that witches naturally process," Lucy starts, "and once they're in possession of it, their origin converts it into whatever their magic is. In your case, that would be fire."
He presses his knuckles to his sternum once again.
"And once that happens, witches can pull it back and use it themselves." She demonstrates with a quick flash of fire. "It's also why we can't use magic on ourselves, and why familiars can't hurt their witches with their magic. Since it comes from us, it can't hurt us."
That he was aware of. He knew that since technically the fire he used wasn't his and belonged to someone else, the source couldn't actually be hurt with their own magic. It ended up null and void.
"But, since it comes from us, it also can't help us." She lifts her face to the sun's morning rays with a faint smile. "Yukino and I try to divide familiars with similar magics so if there's a situation where a spell needs to be used on one of us, we can. Like last night."
Wendy.
"Up until a few months ago, we didn't have a healer bound to me." Lucy's eyes fall to him and he does his best not to look away. "Which means Yukino has been vulnerable for a very long time in a dangerous situation. What she and I are doing isn't easy. It's part of the reason why Lyon is the way he is. He's been protecting her for a few decades now."
That's not a loyalty that disappears just because there's a healer now and she's in less danger. Less danger isn't an absence of danger. Absence of danger doesn't really even exist.
"Sherria was bound to me since Yukino already had Wendy, so if anything happens to any of us, witch or familiar, there's someone not too far away that can help."
It's a good system.
The wind blows dust over his cheeks and his eyes flutter closed involuntarily. He rubs at his eyes to get rid of the dirt and he blinks the blurriness from his vision.
She seems lost in thought when he can finally see her clearly again.
Her voice is gentle. A little hollow.
"The more magics you use, the more versatile your abilities, the more dangerous you are." Lucy looks to the ground. "The greater your status, and in my case, the more likely you are to be left alone and stay in power."
Witches can use the magic of their familiars.
That's insane. That's absolutely insane. There's just…
He shakes his head. It's ridiculous. In all his years he's never had an inkling that that's what happens. That that's the real source of why witches are so dangerous. If familiars made them dangerous and they needed familiars, then why would…why would they treat them the way they do? It would be a mutually beneficial relationship wouldn't it?
He brings his hands to his face and peeks through his fingers, listening intently to the rush of air from his nose into his cupped hands to calm himself down.
Witches can use the magic of their familiars.
Every. Single. One.
He's suddenly grateful that witches do everything they can to hide that fact from their familiars. If he'd had to endure more than he already had…
Gold finds him again.
"Wendy, Lyon and Meredy have been studying witch and familiar biology in an attempt to understand how exactly witches harness magic. If we can find out the difference, and if it's something we can change…if it's something we can alter familiars to be able to do, the bindings won't work. That's the hope."
He squeezes his eyes shut and breathes in deep. He doesn't even want to hope.
He doesn't get the chance to wonder much more than that before the hill opens again and Yukino, Lyon, Wendy and Gray slip out. Gray comes round to stand beside Lucy and look her over, and Lucy waves him off easily.
"I'm fine, Gray."
Gray gives a non-committal grunt.
"Alright," Yukino slings the strap of a satchel over her shoulder. "Let's go."
Gray leads down the hill and back into the trees. The daylight makes it easier to see and navigate where they're going, and it requires more moving around than he remembers doing last night. It was a wonder in itself that they'd managed to move as quickly as they had, seeing now the maze of trunks and branches, it was a damn miracle.
They stop in front of a tree swirling with thick, dense, knots.
Lucy looks back over his shoulder. "Hold on to me."
Everyone reaches out. Hands on shoulders, arms.
He hesitates.
Lucy holds her hand out to him.
He takes it.
She lays her free hand down on one of the knots and pulls on her magic.
The travel this time is significantly less jarring.
His head only spins the slightest bit as he stumbles and braces himself against the rock. Back in the small clearing on Lucy's side of the gate. The only evidence of the blood he and Gray had used to get through the night before, is a faded stain of streak and handprint.
"Everyone good?" Lucy asks.
There's a chorus of murmurs in response.
"Alright, lets go."
He bites at his lip and scrutinizes his surroundings. Its the same spot. He's walked these paths not even a day ago, and everything looks the same. The fallen and split trunks where Lucy had left them, the hanging tree limbs all in place with their leaves along the path. Everything looks the same.
But it didn't feel the same.
Something is different. He can taste it.
When Lucy's house comes into view there's a collective sigh of relief, but his anxiety only grows. He's not on defense. There isn't anything waiting for them.
It's just a growing dread.
The wall is still missing from the house, but an iridescent dome covers the whole area instead. The source feels familiar. The magic feels familiar. The others slip in easily, through the barrier and toward Lucy's living room.
He goes to tap at the surface, but his hand phases through, tingling where the barrier touches him.
"Cool, huh?"
He blinks and looks up.
Gray.
Gray throws a glance over his shoulder at Lucy and the others disappearing into the house before turning back to him. He smiles at the barrier and wiggles his fingers through it.
"Works kind of like a warp. If you don't hold the same magic that was used to create it, unless an exception is made, you pass right through the space it surrounds and come out the other side," Gray crosses his arms over his chest. "One of Cana's more clever ideas."
He lets out a full-body shudder as he walks through, but doesn't follow as Gray goes to make his way to join Lucy and the others.
The dread gets stronger the closer he gets to the house.
He digs his toes into the dirt and breathes deep.
"She's not going to hand you off to someone else, if that's what you're worried about."
Gray's looking at him with the softest expression.
"It's not her decision to make. Its ours. Though in your case, since Karen is well aware of your status when it comes to Lucy, it would be difficult to explain your absence if you were to leave. But she wouldn't stop you…if you decided you wanted to leave."
He shakes his head. That's not it at all. He doesn't really know what's bothering him.
"C'mon."
This time, he follows.
The room is a cacophony of voices, all varying pitches, volumes and speeds, impossible to discern from one another. The familiars clump together in groups for the most part with one or two scattering around, flitting from group to group.
They all seem worried.
"Gray."
He jumps at Lucy's sudden appearance, standing just behind him and Gray. She grips at Gray's arm and bites her lip hard enough he's afraid she's going to break the skin.
"She's gone."
Gray inclines his head in question. "Karen? Good. Less we have to deal with her—"
"Gray, shut up," Lucy snaps.
Gray swallows and immediately quiets. His assurance dissipates. His anxiety increases. It's not anger that's coming from Lucy and making her lash out. It's worry. Pure, raw, unfiltered worry that freezes him to the spot.
"Cana's gone."
—
He hears them separately all at once, which makes no sense but happens anyway. The previously muddled conversations become crystal clear and he can't feel his body anymore. His mind runs a mile a minute yet still has room to take in every word.
"How do you know?"
"She went out looking for Sherria and hasn't come back. That was hours ago."
"Where could she have gone in that time?
"Is Sherria gone too?"
"No. She showed up shortly after Cana left."
"She's strong. She'll be fine."
"Karen's probably still here."
"She wouldn't be able to get in."
"As long as Cana re-rendered the barrier, yeah."
"Even if Cana did re-render the barrier, it wouldn't take much for Karen to pick just the right spot to dig herself in if the barrier fluctuates."
"Have more faith in Cana.
"I do have faith in her, it's just…Karen is ruthless."
"I know that. Have faith in Cana anyway."
"This is even assuming Karen is still around at all. Cana probably just fell asleep somewhere."
"Not if she was looking for Sherria she wouldn't."
"Nobody told Cana Sherria came back?"
"They couldn't."
"Right. We all stopped using magic."
"That slightest bit, more than what Cana was using, is all it takes."
"She's coming back…right?"
He shakes his head and covers his face with his hands. Tons of voices. Too many. Too many voices.
Yukino, Lyon and Wendy disperse within the group of familiars, asking questions, gathering as much information as they can as Lucy and Gray talk outside. Cana hasn't been gone long enough they wouldn't be able to find her, and with Karen still around, sooner is better than later.
Sooner is always better than later, but in this case, it's significantly better of an idea to find Cana sooner.
He needs to get away from the sounds.
He turns to where Gray had pulled Lucy and makes his way over. Their voices are hushed and hurried. He can only start to make them out once he's a few feet away from them, irritated his normally pristine hearing is being drowned out by the massive amount of noise coming from the house.
He shakes his head. They're worried about Cana. He is too. Getting annoyed by how loud everything is isn't something he should be doing right now. Even if his irritability comes from something he can't control, he can control how he responds to it.
He focuses in on the two of them.
"Gray," Lucy whispers, "what if Karen got her?"
"Cana's strong, Lucy," Gray says. "She wouldn't let herself get caught so easily."
Lucy runs a hand through her hair and pulls at it a little. Her anxiety and distress rolls off her in waves and she squeezes her eyes shut tightly. Morning light dissipates over her cheeks, highlighting a slight wetness in their corners, not yet tears.
He moves a little closer to them and Gray's gaze instinctively flickers over to him.
"If she does though, she can't defend herself," Lucy's eyes slit open, vacantly directed at the ground. "She can't defend herself and it's all my fault."
Cana's strong. He may not have seen it, but he can feel it, and if people as strong as Gray and Lucy talk about her skill, it's safe to say she's got a lot of power if she draws enough back from Lucy. She'd be able to defend herself easily.
The voices from the house keep carrying over.
"Cana's strong. She can hold her own against Karen."
"No she can't. The law prevents it, remember?"
"I don't think that should apply in a kidnapping."
"I wouldn't put it past Karen to kidnap her to get her to use her magic so Karen can do whatever the hell she wants."
"That's coercion."
"The other witches aren't going to see it that way. They'll see it as incentive. An act of war. That gives them the power to do anything they want without fear of consequences."
"Hell, they'll even be happy about it. Sadistic fuckers."
"If she defends herself. If she does anything Karen could warp into being considered an attack…"
"Karen would kill her."
"Karen would kill her."
"Then everything would fall apart and this arrangement that Lucy and Yukino have been working so hard for will be gone."
"And everything will go back to the way it was."
"So even if Cana could defend herself…"
"She won't."
"She won't."
"She'll take every damn hit Karen gives her."
"That's even if Karen's got her in the first place."
He wraps his arms around himself and digs his claws into his ribs to get rid of the painful buzz of his body. He clenches his jaw and rocks back and forth on his heels. He bites the inside of his cheek. Hard.
If Karen has Cana…
They have to find her.
"Is everyone else here?" Gray asks.
Lucy nods. "Yeah. Everyone else is here. Sherria came back almost as soon as Cana left. They haven't seen her since."
Gray sighs. "Shit."
Silence.
"I should have killed her the second I saw her," Lucy growled, "consequences be damned. Nobody would have cared. Then this wouldn't have happened."
"You know you can't do that," Gray grits. "As much as I'd want to be there right alongside you, you know everything would fall apart if you did."
"I know I can't do that, Gray!" Lucy nearly yells, breathing heavily. "That doesn't mean I shouldn't have done more! I should have thrown her out of the perimeter. I should have made it look like an accident. I should have—"
Not been nearly shredded to death by him.
"We won't be able to find Cana if you're like this, Lucy, so calm down," Gray says. Lucy looks like she wants to retort but swallows it down and shakes her head instead.
He needs to help.
He breathes through the crippling guilt as best he can as he walks all the way over to where Gray and Lucy are. Lucy immediately sees him and it looks physically painful for her to force a smile.
He frowns at it.
"Hey, you okay?" she asks.
He can't help his glare.
She blinks at him. "What?"
He waits and watches as her smile falls, and once it does, his frown lessens. She doesn't need to pretend to be fine right now, they all can feel that she isn't, so there's no real point to her trying to lie in the first place. It's a kind sentiment, though. A soft consideration that seems so a part of who she is she doesn't even have to think about it.
If they find Cana, that fake smile will go away entirely.
He readies himself, shoulders back, prepared for anything. If they come up with a plan, he's going. He can't just stand around and do nothing. He'll stew in his own self-loathing and that's not something that's going to help anyone.
Lucy's features soften as she reaches out to brush fingers along the side of his wrist. "You've got nothing to feel badly about, okay? This isn't your fault."
If he'd done something more…if he hadn't run away in the first place…
He led her here. It was his fault.
Fuck.
"Look," Gray inhales steadily, "we don't even know if Cana's been taken, okay? She could just be checking the perimeter and trying to find Sherria since she would have no way of knowing whether or not Sherria came back. So let's all relax."
Lucy presses her lips together until the disappear, and he shifts uncomfortably on his feet.
He doesn't think so.
Gray looks to him.
"How good is your nose?" he asks.
—
Under the best of circumstances, his nose could pick out the tiniest scents from tens of feet away and track them hours after they'd been left. It was one of his strongest senses and was often what made him so dangerous when it came to defending himself.
But these weren't the best circumstances. The intense scents from the past twenty-four hours, the blood and fire and new magics and great amount of familiars, were muddling his head a bit and it was harder to focus than usual.
Harder to focus, but not impossible, and as soon as he had a bit of space between him and Lucy's house, he'd be able to look properly. They didn't have anything of Cana's for him to refresh his memory, but she drinks. He knows the telltale prick of alcohol at the back of the sinuses.
Gray follows close behind, but lets him lead.
Lucy had stayed behind.
Unwillingly.
"You still need to transfer some bonds, Lucy," Gray'd told her. "That hasn't changed just because Cana isn't here. You take care of yourself and them, and we'll go after her, okay?"
Lucy was not a fan of that.
"If she was taken, and I let you go without me—"
"We're gunna be fine, alright?" Gray'd cut her off with a smile. "You take care of this in the meantime so we can all come back together after."
She hadn't been pleased, but Gray had managed to get her to yield.
It helped, it being just him and Gray. Without Lucy he felt a lot less pressure which kept his head clear. Her worry was overwhelming, almost crippling in its intensity.
It was also reassuring…to know she worried that much.
She really does care as much as they all say she does.
He doesn't quite know how to feel about that.
They circle one of the barrier perimeters closer to the house, not nearly as far out as he'd been the night before when he'd tried to get some air. Gray'd explained how they do sweeps of one whole area before moving to the next outer ring.
Cana's scent was all over the center circle, and more dispersed throughout the first ring. Following it was a constant back and forth twist and turn of a path that would've had him dizzy if he were to go any faster than he was already going.
This girl was all over the place. He could smell the fear lingering in her scent.
She'd been really worried.
He clenches his fists and picks up the pace, dizziness be damned. The faster they find her, the better. For her sake and for everyone else's. He's not going to again be the reason someone doesn't come home.
And they don't deserve to lose someone else.
"Lucy's right, you know."
He keeps himself moving, following the scent, but spares a quick backward glance at Gray's words. He's following calmly, matching his speed step for step.
His confusion seeps into his magic and he can feel when Gray responds to it.
"That this isn't your fault," Gray clarifies. "You not attacking Karen was the best thing you could have done. You'd've just gotten yourself killed, and then we'd need to do a hell of a lot of damage control."
Okay, now he was really confused.
Gray catches on and lets out a long sigh.
"It hasn't been this way for very long, but there's a tentative peace between witches right now."
He throws a glance over his shoulder at Gray dryly.
Can you even look at someone dryly?
You can not.
A peace between witches? Yeah. Sure there was. That's exactly why twice in the span of a day he's seen the same two witches in aggressive environments. There is such peace between them right now.
"Oh, don't look at me like that, I know how it sounds," Gray quipped, springing forward two steps to keep closer. The scent still trailed all over the place, but by now it was reflex to just follow it. He didn't have to pay too much attention. "But there really is, in comparison to how it used to be."
He highly doubts that. In all his years he's never experienced any sort of change in a witches behavior that would indicate that…
He shakes his head. Not somewhere he really feels like going right now.
So he just keeps his ear tilted slightly toward Gray, waiting for him to continue as they track.
"It's reluctant, and the majority of them are looking for any reason, any reason at all, for it to be broken so they can go back to doing what they want. The only thing keeping them from deliberately provoking and manipulating the situation to their favor, is Lucy."
Gray absently runs a hand through his hair.
"She's the strongest. She's dangerous. She's showcased that to them on many different occasions. Usually it's enough to keep them compliant, but Karen…" Gray trails off.
Karen holds grudges.
"Karen wanted to be in charge. She's been trying to throw Lucy into the fire for longer than I've even known her. She's ruthless. I don't need to even tell you anything other than mention her name."
Accurate.
"Witches wouldn't've let familiars know about this peace," Gray tells him, head tilting to one side as he blinks, sleepy. "Karen would bet you didn't know, so if she can goad you into attacking her, everything blows up. She can do whatever she wants, and if she exposes us…that's it. Everything is back to slaughter. We're close. So close. Losing everything now would be…" Gray doesn't have to finish his sentence. He understands. He understands a goal within reach yanked away from you.
He bites at the back of his tongue with his molars.
He's suddenly very glad Lucy had found him when she did.
"Witches doing damage to each other is a given. It's not common because they can retaliate and pull on the powers of their familiars so you don't necessarily know what you're going to have thrown back at you." Gray's head whips quickly to the rustling of a bird in the trees. He relaxes once it registers what the source was. "But familiars attacking witches or each other means execution for that familiar, and that's something we don't want. Ever."
At the absence of following footsteps, he pauses and turns to look at Gray's now stilled form. Gray's eyes are fixed on him.
"She stopped you to protect you. From getting yourself killed, but also from your own darkness."
He tilts his head to one side. His own darkness?
"If you let your anger consume you," Gray crosses his arms over his chest, "if you succumb to it and act on it, there is no coming back from that. There's no thought. There's no logic. There's just pure anger, and that rage will warp you. You will not recover."
Yeah, but if anyone fucking deserves it, it's Karen. He's smelled the faint traces of blood that weren't his. He's seen the bones. He's smelled the death and decay. If anyone deserves what's coming to her, it's Karen. What they're doing right now is only more evidence of that.
Screw waiting for answers. Karen was here. Cana now isn't. There's no way Karen isn't involved.
Gray approaches him, slowly bringing a hand up to rest on his shoulder, giving him every opportunity to move away. He doesn't.
"There is always another way. Our system is built on there being another way. It's easy to kill. It's a lot harder to show mercy."
He doesn't want to show mercy. Karen doesn't fucking deserve it.
"We've all been where you are." Gray lets his hand fall. "I'd found my witch. I had her beaten all to hell, one twist from an ice shear through her throat, when Lucy found me."
He narrows his eyes at Gray's softening expression. He looks…fond.
"She didn't take away my magic, because by her logic it wasn't hers to take back. But she stood next to me, asking what I was doing and why." Gray licks his lower lip and pulls it between his teeth before letting it go. "It wasn't anything she hadn't heard before, but she made me talk about it."
He turns back in the direction of Cana's scent and starts following it again. Gray's crunching footsteps start up again, following closely.
"Anger only hurts the person it comes from," Gray says, and he bristles at that. He has every fucking right to be angry about what happened. Every damn reason to—
"You absolutely have every reason to feel angry. Nobody's telling you not to be upset and not to feel how you're feeling," Gray answers his unspoken ranting and he refrains from letting out an irritated snort. "But acting on it will only destroy you."
This time he isn't able to hold back the annoyance. He's not in the mood to be preached at.
"I didn't listen."
He really…looks at Gray.
He can feel the pain radiating from him. It chews at his heart. Digs into his lungs. Pierces through his skin. It's all-consuming and pumps through his veins like cyanide.
It's excruciating.
"I was too upset. Too angry. Lucy didn't get through to me." Gray's speaking softer now, forcing every word out. "I wanted her to suffer. I wanted her to know she was dying because of me. I wanted her to hurt. I watched her die."
He's not moving anymore. He's watching Gray.
Gray's holding one hand in the other, running a thumb along his bare palm. "Every day it eats at me. Even with what she'd done. Even though anyone would tell you she deserved it…it still does. I still killed someone. I wonder if I could have helped her."
There's no helping someone like that. There's no helping someone who doesn't want help and whose sole purpose is hurting those around them to make themselves feel strong.
Gray quirks a sad smile at him. "Even if there doesn't seem like a chance, that doesn't change the 'what if's' you think. That doesn't get rid of the pain."
He works his jaw, stretching it from side to side and massaging the hinges gently with his knuckles. He's been clenching it so hard its sore.
He can feel it. Gray's self-loathing. He can feel the resentment directed at himself. He can feel how unworthy Gray feels he is as a result. He can feel him hating himself. Thinking he's an awful person. He can feel all of it.
If Gray is feeling this…it means he has a heart. It means he's a good person. It means he has a conscience. It means he cares.
He wishes he could tell Gray that. He wishes he could stop Gray from despising himself.
"I worry about Lucy if we don't find Cana," Gray confesses, clenching hands into fists and pressing his knuckles together. "She bound Cana directly after me. Bonds as old as ours, both emotionally and physically are strong. They become a part of who you are. Losing those…"
He doesn't have to elaborate on it.
"Lucy…" Gray visibly mulls over his words before looking him dead in the eye, "is a light, in this fucked up world. She is kindness. And love. And happiness all rolled into one person. She's someone who experiences pain and instead of trying to get back at the people who caused it, helps others find their way through their own. She's the strongest person I know and saves all of us from ourselves every single day. She keeps us from acting on our anger because she and I know what happens when you do."
The self-hate dissipates, replaced with a steely resolve. Open Gray is gone.
"What happened to me? It can't happen to her." Gray pulls on Lucy's magic, frost pulsing around his fingers. "It would destroy her. She wouldn't come back from it. She's too good of a person for that."
He extinguishes the frost.
"We love her too much for that. I love her too much for that. She's family. We're all family." Gray finds his gaze. "You are now, too. Which means even without the law, we won't let you kill Karen. We care about you too much for that."
Gray turns back in the direction they'd been heading before they'd come to a stop again and take a few steps. "This way, right?" he asks.
He nods, but since Gray is facing forward and can't see, he instead jogs a few steps to get back in front and lead. The trail is still relatively fresh. Easy to follow.
The mistake Gray is making…is having the assumption that killing Karen would weigh on him. That killing someone who'd hurt and killed so many people, so many of his kin, would be something he would feel bad about.
Gray makes the mistake of thinking that he's a good person when that person died a long time ago.
—
It's only when they're at the outermost ring of Cana's multiple barriers that they hit the end of the trail. Water flows more rapidly here than the creek at the cottage and the scent of alcohol disappears into the river. Gray creates an ice bridge for him to get across and check the other side and the majority of the surrounding trees and rocks, but nothing. Definitely ended up in the river.
"That river is long. She could be anywhere," Gray says.
He rubs at his face and rolls his neck. Not the outcome he was hoping for.
"Alright," Gray breathes, "we head back to the house, tell Lucy, and then get a couple of us to canvas the length of the river until we pick up a scent or trail."
He nods. That's all they can do at this point.
They don't talk much on the way back. Gray leads since he knows the area better and using their scents to backtrack would take a lot more time than they have. He can feel Gray stewing in worry, jittery beneath his skin, wanting to sprint. Wanting to do something.
Lucy's hopeful expression tears through them both, and twists further in when she survey's Cana's absence and their worried expressions.
"Nothing?"
Gray shakes his head. "She disappears into the river of the third ring. I'm thinking we take a group to coast down the river, see where it picks back up again and—" he chokes over his words.
It shocks through them.
All feeling leaves his body, numbness roiling until it pricks at every cell with each breath and beat of his heart. It burns up his spine, digs into his skull, rips at the backs of his eyes.
He falls to his knees, and he can hear the muted thuds of everyone else doing the same.
There's a bit of muttering he faintly recognizes belonging to Yukino, Lyon, and Wendy, but he can't make out any words. They're dull in comparison to the overwhelming disassociation he's in. He sees his arms move, but he can't feel the ground beneath his hands. There's an excruciating ringing in his ears that makes him sway an lose his balance, so it takes him a second, a minute, to register anything beyond that.
Over the ringing, he hears the screams.
Lucy.
Loud, ragged cries rip from her throat. They echo through the clearing and bounce off the walls of the house. They drown out the birds. They drown out the deafening rush of blood. They're unintelligible. Wordless. Violent. He can see her tearing into the ground, ripping at the grass and weeds with each shriek.
It stops suddenly.
The only sound that remains and carries is her pained breathing, soft whimpers more wrenching than the agonizing sobs.
Nobody says a word. Nobody asks. Everyone knows. Everyone knows what it is. They all know what a bond break feels like.
They all know how it feels when a familiar dies.
To all you reviewers, your encouragement means everything and helps me more than you know. Thank you so much.
-xb