The Pregnancy Ship
Chapter 27: Secrets Revealed
Trigger warning: mention of abortion and miscarriage
This is an A/U story
Disclaimer: These are not my characters they are fully James Duffs. I just love them so much and love to play with them.
A/N: Hi folks, I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to update. I lost the first draft of Chapter 27 in Word and I couldn't retrieve it so I had to start all over again. It's an extra long chapter so enjoy, thanks to Melinda who betaed it. Also I borrowed the words of the song 'More' by Andy Williams it was written by Riz Ortolani and Nino Oliviero for Mondo Cane a documentary motion picture. It was sung by Andy Williams and Steve Rossi to name a few.
Sharon and Andy walked into her office each holding one of the twins. Madison had finally dropped off and was sleeping, as was Natalie. They found Emily gathering baby paraphernalia that had not been folded up and put in the closet and repacking the diaper bags with it. She wore black yoga pants, red tennis shoes a red tank top with a gold sparkly short sleeved over blouse that had a tie at the hip. Her long mahogany hair was pulled into a high ponytail Sharon said quietly so as not to wake the babies, "hello Darling, how did the job interview go?"
"It went," said Emily noncommittally and then turned to give her mother a kiss on the cheek. As she did she waved to Andy. "Hi Andy," she said.
"Hi Em," he said as he gently placed Madison in her carrier and strapped her in then turned and gave her a hug. Emily leaned into him. She loved Andy's hugs he smelled so nice and he made her feel as if she finally had the father she'd always wanted Jack to be.
Sharon watched as the love of her life hugged her daughter, and fell in love with him all over again. Emily seemed to have embraced their relationship, she loved Andy and he seemed to love her too. But then Emily's answer registered and she became impatient to find out what had happened. "The Interview didn't go well?" Sharon asked.
"Not necessarily, no... It went fine. That's not the problem," she said sighing. "The job was offered to me. The problem is I don't really want it."
Sharon shrugged her shoulders and her eyes sought Andy's as she handed Natalie to him then she took her daughter's hands in hers and looked her in the eye. "Then don't take it, Darling. Andy and I aren't pressuring you. You'll find what you're looking for. Just be patient."
Emily squeezed her mother's hands and then turned back to what she had been doing. She was packing the diaper bags so that one was lighter than the other. "Thank you Mom, I appreciate that. It just…might be hard because I have no idea what I want to do now…I…no that's not true I…." She tried to swallow the lump in her throat and attempted to wipe away her tears that wouldn't stop coming. "I want to dance again. It's been all that I've ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of. I've given so much up to dance and…I know…I should be grateful I got to dance Gisele and Sleeping Beauty. I really am grateful, but... I was just getting started! Now…" she once again swallowed around the lump in her throat, "it's over and the things I have given up, the things I lost…I can never get back again."
Sharon's mothers' heart was breaking as it always did when she knew her children were in pain. She stepped into Emily's personal space and wrapped her in a hug. She kissed the top of her head and ran her hand up and down her back. "Oh Emily, Darling. I'm so very sorry this has happened to you, but I've been through this in...some ways, at least as far as losing your dream goes. It hurts terribly but it gets better, you find a new dream eventually and sometimes it's even better than the original dream or at least as good. There is so much out there you can do. Teaching for one."
Emily stepped away from her mother as she wiped her tears away. "That was what the interview was for, teaching." She rolled her eyes and went on with bitterness, "bored little rich kids that have no more passion for ballet than the man in the moon. They are more interested in playing games on their iPads or talking to their friends on Facebook. Their plies' are abominable as are their Arabesques and they don't even care they are doing it wrong. One of the girls even told me to, "get over myself." Madame Annikov' would not tolerate such sloppiness or their attitudes."
Sharon smiled as she remembered the days when Emily had complained about Madame's insistence that she perform each step exactly right. No deviations whatsoever. Now she was lauding her methods. The irony of it did not escape her or Emily, apparently. Her daughter was smiling; her mind had gone there too. "You are right, Emily she wouldn't have. Speaking of Madame Annikov, did you know she turned ninety, recently? Also that she had a bad fall, breaking her hip and has been placed at Morningside Assisted Living?"
"No, I didn't. Ninety? Wow! I thought she was ancient when I was a kid."
"Well, she was in her late sixties, early seventies back then and she was teaching all the way up to her ninetieth birthday. In any case, I haven't mentioned this to you yet, because I think I fell asleep last night before you got home from dinner with your friends, Andy and I were taking a walk yesterday with the twins in their stroller. We saw Mik do you remember Mik? Madame's grandson?" Emily nodded. "He was renovating his grandmother's ballet studio. He took us through it. It's beautiful, new floors, new bars and new mirrors. He said his grandmother had insisted they fix it up because she wanted it to be beautiful for Emily." Sharon waited for Emily to catch up.
Suddenly Em pointed to herself with a question in her eyes. "Me?"
Sharon nodded. "Mik and his mother had it renovated to make her happy, with the intention of selling it to whomever was interested, but Madame was adamant that it could only be sold to you. Mik and his mother hadn't realized you were here or how badly your ankle was hurt. However Madame, Mik says has been following your career closely. She knew when she heard you fell and broke your ankle that you would need a new career."
"Wow! I've been so focused on trying to figure out what to do with my life. I never even
thought of Madame, I guess I thought she was dead."
"Well...maybe you should go see her, I'm sure she'd be thrilled."
"I will. I will go see her today or tomorrow," Emily said remembering that Andy didn't want her mother to be left alone with the twins for long periods of time. It wasn't that he felt she couldn't handle them on her own, it was just that the doctor said she still needed to rest and he wanted someone to watch over the babies so that she would do just that. He knew that no matter how tired she was Sharon would not sleep well unless there was someone to watch over the twins while she slept. The only time that wasn't true was at night, but then Andy was as light a sleeper as she was when it came to the babies.
"If you don't mind Emily I'd rather you visited her this afternoon or evening. I need as many hands on deck tomorrow as I can get. Lt. Provenza's baby daughter Kayla is being operated on and her brother Mikey will be with us. The twins, Mikey and Kayla were born on the same day, as you know so it will be like having triplets. You're not obligated to of course, I volunteered after all but it would be helpful if you were there since Andy and Rusty will be at the hospital with the Provenza's."
"Oh sure Mom, I'd be glad to help, this afternoon then. Will um, Julio be there tomorrow?" Emily asked shyly.
"Yeeess?" said Sharon questioningly.
"Just wanted to know," Emily shrugged and said cheekily.
"Julio is a bit older than you don't you think?" Sharon said putting her arm around her
daughter's shoulders.
"Only by about ten years. He's cute and I like him. Would you mind very much if I asked him out on date? Would it be a problem for you?"
"Emily, it's complicated. I'm his commanding officer and it would be better if he asked you out. Also Julio has been a widower for a long time and he is just now trying to start to date. Rather unsuccessfully so far, poor guy. He wants to be a dad too. He wants to be a foster parent actually. Personally I have no problem with you going out with him, but I'm concerned one or the other of you will get hurt. There is no common ground between you two except...me... and perhaps the babies, thinking he's cute will only get you so far."
Emily paled slightly as she remembered the secret she hadn't told her mother yet. That conversation was not one she could start here though. It would have to wait till they got home. "Hmmm, that's…that's okay with me. Adoption and fostering are good things to do. A lot of children need a home and judging from what he's like with the twins, Julio would make a great father." Emily said with some sadness.
Sharon looked at her daughter trying to figure out what she was not saying. She could usually read her daughter well, but Emily was purposely being enigmatic. After a long uncomfortable silence, Emily turned back to her task and Sharon took that to mean the conversation was over for now. So she took Natalie back from Andy and placed her in the carseat carrier and buckled her in. She then turned to Andy and started to straighten his tie. "Thanks for being there for me today, Andy. I was really freaked out," She chuckled.
"Yes, you were but you calmed down quick enough," he said as he stroked her cheek.
"That was all you, you have that effect on me. The Andy effect," Sharon smoothed Andy's tie as they talked.
"Well, Nicole calls what you've done for me, the Sharon effect. All you have to do is touch my arm and it calms me right down," Andy said giving her a small sweet kiss, as they looked at each other it was if the world fell away and it was only them in the room. "By the way, thank you for solving the case for us, Captain. I might just get home in time to make Chicken-Eggplant Parmesan. How does that sound?"
Sharon smiled up at him, "that sounds lovely, Andy. I doubt if I solved the case, I just threw out a bunch of ideas for you all to spring from. It's not like you can't solve the case without me, you've been doing it a lot longer than I have!"
"Are you alluding to the fact that I'm older than you?" He teased.
She swatted his chest. "No, I'm alluding to the many years of experience detecting that you have under your belt. Robbery Homicide, Priority Homicide and Major Crimes. While I have spent most of my career in FID, IA and Professional Standards. While there is some detecting in IA it's not of the caliber of Major Crimes."
"Nonetheless, I'm pretty sure you solved it, you've got a mind like a steel trap. You listen to us trying to figure it out, gather all the different pieces and put them together as if you were putting together a puzzle. Then you solve the case just like that!" Andy said snapping his fingers. "How did it feel by the way, to be back in the saddle? Enquiring minds want to know." He asked, smiling at her as she continued to smooth his tie. He held her close to him.
"It felt great. It made me feel as if my mind hadn't gone to complete mush. That's a plus. I was worried it had, after all the time I've been away."
"Oh no, you've still got it," Andy said with his eyebrow cocked in a way that gave the correct idea that he was talking about more than her detecting skills. Sharon smiled back at him blushing. Emily sighed audibly and Andy took the hint. "Do you need me to help get the girls downstairs? If so we better get a move on. I need to help with the interviews and the sooner that's done the sooner I can get home to my girls."
"Your girls will be glad to see you and yes please help us. Emily shouldn't be doing any heavy lifting because of her ankle and I'm still not supposed to pick anything up heavier than ten pounds," she said rolling her eyes in exasperation.
"Yes, I know and don't you forget it!" Andy said giving her a quick peck on the lips.
Then he picked up Madison and Natalie in their car carriers and headed towards the elevators.
Sharon looked for something to carry and started to pick up the heavier of the two diaper bags. Emily sighed again shook her head, took the heavier bag from her stubborn mom and handed her the lighter one, then she followed Andy to the elevators. Sharon rolled her eyes and followed them both with the ridiculously light diaper bag on her shoulder. Once down in the parking garage Andy finished strapping the babies in and then he turned to Sharon and they whispered their goodbyes, reluctant to part yet.
Emily shook her head exasperated, "come on you two, kiss already and then let's go, Mom."
"Emily Rose Eileen Raydor. Don't be rude! I've taught you better than that," Sharon
snapped. She was a little confused by Emily's change of attitude all the sudden. One minute she was hugging Andy and acting happy that they were together, the next minute she was acting impatient with their showing each other affection. Thoroughly chastised Emily hung her head and climbed into the driver's seat.
Andy helped Sharon into the passenger seat of the Escalade stealing one last kiss. "You be careful and get my girls home safely, all four of them. Okay, Em?" Andy said to Emily. He wanted her to know that no matter what her behavior was he still considered her part of his family.
She got the hint and smiled. "Look, I'm sorry about the way I acted. I'm...well...you're going to think I'm terribly selfish and I am, but I can't help it. I'm jealous okay?"
"You're jealous of us?" Sharon asked and Emily nodded. "Why Darling?"
"When the two of you are together, it's like nobody else exists! You couldn't be more in love if Cupid hit you both in the butt with an arrow." Sharon's face was suffused with a blush so intense Emily almost laughed. Andy chuckled. "And I guess I want... that you know? I want to feel for someone what you two feel for each other. I want them to feel that way about me. I...I've never seen that before up close. My mom never had it before. She loved my dad, was always taking care of my dad and us, but he never once, that I remember took care of my mom. He was cruel to her, said vile things to her especially when he was drunk. He did all kinds of terrible things that Mom doesn't know Ricky and I knew about and I grew up thinking that was what marriage was and I wanted nothing to do with it. Seeing you together now, I realize marriage doesn't have to be that way, the way it was with my mom and dad. It can be wonderful and I want that in my life, but I'm afraid… I'm afraid I'll never find it. I thought I had it, but he turned out to be just like Dad at least in the philandering department," Emily said sadly.
Sharon bowed her head in grief. She had tried so hard to shield her children from all that had happened with Jack but she hadn't done as good a job as she thought. Now apparently Emily had experienced a tad bit of what she had experienced with Jack. "Emily, you never said anything about this young man. Why are we just hearing about him now?"
"First of all you were pregnant with twins, it was a high risk pregnancy. I couldn't tell you then and risk your blood pressure rising. Then this past month has been full of getting used to caring for twins. I just never found the right moment."
"What was his name? Where did you meet him and why would my blood pressure rise?" Sharon implored.
"Mom, I met him Italy when the ABT went on their European tour. His name was Paolo. He followed me all over Europe and back here. I mistook that for love and devotion. I was wrong. Very very wrong."
Andy saw the worry for her daughter in Sharon's face. "Sweetheart, no matter how hard you try you can't shield your children completely and it's best you didn't. Emily got away from a toxic relationship because she saw what you went through. If she had not, maybe she would have hung onto this man longer."
Emily nodded. "That's true Mom, in an opposite sort of way. I saw you give Dad chance after chance and he blew it every time. I resolved that I wouldn't put up with it that long. The first time I caught Paolo with another woman, that was it, he was gone."
"I'm so sorry Emily that I was such a poor example to you," Sharon said looking sadly at her eldest daughter.
Emily took her mother's hands in hers. "Mom, you weren't the poor example at all. You were a wonderful example of love, redemption and forgiveness. It was Dad that was the poor example. He showed me that there are some men that don't deserve to be forgiven or given another chance. That no matter how much love and forgiveness you pour into them they'll always disappoint you. One way or another," Emily said bitterly.
"Not all men are like that, Honey. Andy here is a prime example of a person who is capable of changing."
"I know that," Emily said. "That's what has me so jealous! There is only one Andy and he broke the mold."
Andy blushed and ducked his head. Then he looked up at her to say, "Em, I'm not perfect, I'm a man that had the same problem at one time as your father has. As far as the drinking goes. I never cheated on my wife and I don't gamble, but I did drink. The difference between us is commitment to sobriety. I've been sober for 20 some years, I could fall off the wagon any day, anytime, but I choose to stay sober each day because I have been given a second chance at happiness and I don't want to blow it. As far as you finding someone, I believe there is someone out there for you; you just have to be patient. Maybe it's Julio or maybe someone else, like Mik perhaps? He seemed very happy you were back in LA. You are a wonderful girl. I'm sure there will be lots of suitors for you."
"I don't want lots of suitors, just one. One who treats me like you treat my mother," Emily said quietly.
"How's that?"
"Like a treasure or a priceless gift. You adore her! It's pretty obvious the feeling is mutual," Emily said.
"Oh yes, it's definitely mutual!" Sharon said smiling lovingly at Andy. He smiled back. Then he looked at his watch and realized what time it was, "Well you two had better go so I can get back upstairs, and trust me you don't want to be driving when those two decide they want to be fed!" He said and blew Sharon a kiss.
She blew one back and then watched him as he disappeared into the elevator. Just as the door of the elevator closed he smiled and waved at her. She rolled her eyes and waved back. "Let's go Em, he's right about your sisters. We need to get home before they wake up."
Emily nodded and started the car. Since it was a hybrid it was quiet. Luckily they managed to get home before the girls started crying to be fed. Just as they parked in the garage, the girls were starting to whimper. Sharon hopped out of the car and went to take Natalie out of her carrier, and Em got Madison. They took the babies in the house and Sharon fed them immediately. Once they were full, Sharon and Em changed their diapers, gave them sponge baths and put cooler clothes on them. The AC at the PAB was a bit colder than at home. She put on a pink onesie t-shirt with white polka dots on Natalie and Madison wore a white onesie with pink polka dots. She put matching caps on both babies and little socks that looked like little white Maryjanes. Then they swaddled the girls in very light blankets and put both babies in their rocking hammocks.
Once they were settled Sharon went into her room to change into more comfortable clothing. She put on her favorite purple tank top, her favorite green sweater and loose fitting black Capri leggings. She then took the clothes that were in her hamper, the babies hamper and started a load of wash. After doing this she emptied the drier, sat on the couch and began folding the baby clothes. Fifteen minutes later as Sharon was finishing folding the last pair of socks. Em came back to the house from the cottage out back. She had made some phone calls and was going to go visit Madame. Instead she changed directions, she went to the kitchen and made two cups of tea, and then she took them to her mother and sat on the sofa with her. "Mom, I have something I need to tell you. Do you want to drink some tea with me, while you listen?"
"Yes, I'd love some. Thank you, Darling." She took the teacup, saucer and looked back at her eldest, bracing herself for what was coming. "I'm all ears," she said and beckoned Emily to start talking.
"Mom, do you remember what I said about Paolo earlier?"
Sharon nodded, "You met him in Italy and he stalked you all through Europe."
"Well, yes but that's not how I thought of it at the time," Emily said defensively.
"Nevertheless…" Sharon said and sipped her tea.
"I wasn't …intimate with Paolo in Europe and when the subject came up. I explained to him that I was very focused on my career and did not want to be sidetracked, by unexpected pregnancies and since you were very fertile, in spite of birth control attempts, I thought it would be best to abstain rather than risk it. Besides, I didn't know him well enough to be intimate with him. He lived in Europe, I lived in New York and long distance relationships don't work."
"How did he take that?"
"He seemed to understand. When I left Italy we said our goodbyes and I thought I'd never see him again, but he showed up in every place in Europe that I was in. He took me to dinner, dancing; he showed me a beautiful side of each city that regular tourists don't usually see. Each time we'd say our goodbyes and then he'd show up again in the next city. Anyway when we, the ABT and I left Europe and came home, I felt my heart break to think I would never see him again. I got home and there was a two week time period in which we were not doing a show, but we were practicing for Sleeping Beauty. The second night of practice he showed up at the stage door of the theater, I was thrilled to see him. I thought it was a romantic gesture to show me that he was committed to having a relationship. It was the most romantic thing anybody had ever done for me. He took me to his hotel that night, we drank a little champagne and I...I don't know what happened. One minute I was sipping my drink and then suddenly we were making love. No…no we were having sex. It was incredible sex."
"Ah ah ah! Emily I get the picture!" Sharon said holding up her hand to stop the words she wasn't prepared to hear.
"Mom, I didn't know you were such a prude!" Emily said amused in spite of the gravity of what she was trying to confess.
"I am not a prude Emily Rose, I am a mother who does not want to be told in graphic detail what her daughter did with an Italian gigolo. Besides that, you may be a grown woman, but you will always be to me in some part as innocent as your sisters over there. Now, I have a question, do you think he could have drugged you? With... perhaps ecstasy or… or something else?"
Emily thought a moment. Tears ran down her face again. "I guess he could have, I don't know for sure. In any case, I'm not finished my story. Um, Paolo started hinting that he couldn't stay at the hotel forever so I invited him to stay at my place until he found an apartment. He settled in and didn't even try to find an apartment, but I didn't know that at the time. A month and a half later I was at practice when I fainted during a spin. That's when I found out I was pregnant," Emily said sadly.
Sharon's face paled, "Oh Em!"
"Let me finish. It's taken months to tell you this. I need to finish." Sharon nodded. Still pale. I was very upset of course, this was what I'd feared would happen. On the way home to tell Paolo, I almost had myself convinced to have an abortion. Then dad called and I blew him off with tough love and hung up. So I was upset about the unexpected pregnancy, I was upset about dad calling me, asking for money and then when I got to my place I heard voices coming from my bedroom. I turned the corner and Paolo was...was in bed with my understudy Petra. They were so involved in what they were doing and talking about, they didn't know I was there. I was so frozen I couldn't speak for a moment, as I listened to what they were saying. Finally I screamed at them to stop and get out of my house! I never wanted to see them again. They laughed at me. I told them that they needed to leave or I would call the police and the superintendent of the building, he would throw him out, I called them some names too. They got up and started getting dressed; I turned left the room and was headed outside to sit on Linda's step. I wanted to wait out there so I didn't have to see them or hear them. We yelled some pretty terrible things at each other as I walked away so by the time I got outside my eyes were so full of tears of anger and the feeling of betrayal. I couldn't see where I was going, I felt this pressure on my shoulder and I guess as I was trying to recover my balance I stepped wrong and I fell really hard. The next thing I knew I was waking up in the hospital after surgery on my ankle, Linda was there when I woke up. She was there when the doctor told me I had lost the baby. He said I'd probably not be able to have more children." Emily started to sob into her hands her tears were tears of grief and guilt. Her shoulders shook with her sobs.
Seeing her daughter so full of grief for her lost baby, her lost career and the possibility of a lost chance of future motherhood. Sharon started to cry with her, she gathered her eldest daughter to her, tugging at her so that she ended up half on her lap. She began to rock her, stroking her hair and her back. Finally they both had cried themselves out, or at least it seemed so. "Mom?"
"Yes, Darling?"
"Paolo never loved me at all," Emily said in between sobs. It was Petra he loved. He wined and dined me so that they could get me out of the way so Petra could get my lead dancer spot in the ABT."
Sharon looked at her and something Emily had said earlier popped into her mind. "Emily, did you say someone pushed you down the stairs? Did Linda see it happen? Are you inferring that he drugged you and got you pregnant on purpose?"
"I'm saying it felt like someone pushed me and I remember someone saying the word bitch in my ear! I'm not positive it happened that way though. I was beside myself at that point Mom, and Linda was too far away to see what happened."
"But do you truly think it was their plan for Paolo to get you pregnant then make you lose it by pushing you down the stairs? It seems convoluted and extreme to me, Honey."
"Well I... I think that their original plan was to get me so tied up in knots over Paolo, that I would neglect my position in the ABT. But I didn't in spite of my relationship with Paolo I stayed focused on my dancing. A fact he was always complaining about. However, I did play right into their hands when I mentioned my worry over getting pregnant. They were talking about how lucky it was that I was so fertile and so easily duped, while I was standing there trying to find my voice. If Petra did push me, I imagine it was more in the moment because I called her a peroxide blonde whore and him a spineless weakling led around by his dick."
Sharon flattened her lips and bit down on her bottom lip to keep from laughing. Her perfectly shaped eyebrows rose into her hairline as she started to admonish her daughter about her language, then she gave up the fight. "Emily, you actually said that?" Sharon said, snort laughing but quietly trying not to wake the twins.
"Yes, I did and I'd say it again! I was crying because of his betrayal, but I was angry too. I wish I'd listened to my better instincts that told me he was too good to be true," Emily said shamefaced.
Sharon saw her daughter struggling and wanted to comfort her. "We all make mistakes with our hearts, Em. Our desire to be loved sometimes blinds us to the deep-seated character flaws that the people we think we love have. That's certainly true of me. I loved your father so much, I was completely blind to his character flaws until it was too late."
"Do you think you would have been better off if you'd never met him? We're never a couple? Never had us?"
"What? No of course not, Honey. You and your brother were not mistakes, believe me. I don't regret either one of you. I was over the moon happy to be a mother. My mistakes were waiting as long as I did to get a real divorce once I realized your father was not going to change. Instead I allowed him back into our lives to devastate us over and over again. I'm sorry, Darling not only did I let him come back over and over; I tried to hide what he was doing from you. Perhaps if I hadn't tried to protect you, you wouldn't have been so…trusting towards Paolo," Sharon said sadly.
"Mom this, what happened to me was my fault for being so gullible. It's in no way your fault."
"But would you have been so… gullible if I hadn't tried to hide what was happening?"
"Perhaps not, but if I'd seen everything that happened between you and dad maybe I would have been even more screwed up than I already am, just knowing part of it," Emily said cheekily trying to lighten the somber mood.
"Oh you!" Sharon slapped playfully at Emily.
Emily cuddled against her mom gently so as not to hurt her since she was so much bigger than the twins. "Seriously, though Mom, the hardest part about this whole thing, the worst part is that for a moment, I thought about aborting the baby to continue my career and within moments of that thought, the choice was taken away from me and I lost the baby. It's like I was being punished for even thinking about it."
"Honey, while I'm not saying that I'm happy that you considered aborting my first grandchild, I'm pretty sure that God doesn't work that way. God is a merciful God and he would never punish you like that. He might however use this experience to teach you something… in… a positive way."
"Mom, I thought you were more…into feminism and pro-choice?"
"Well, I am pro-choice up to a point. For one thing, I don't believe it's my place to tell anyone they can't have an abortion if they need it. Also, I believe in early abortion for people who are raped, and for people who would abuse the child if they were to have it and perhaps for the young girl that doesn't understand cause and effect, if you know what I mean?"
Emily nodded. "I don't believe in aborting a child just because it's inconvenient to have it or as a form of birth control. There are far better methods of preventing pregnancies than that. As for me it was never an option. I fell in love with my babies, all four of you, the moment I found out I was pregnant with you and I was raised Catholic. Abortion goes against everything I was taught to believe. Although I have moved away from some of the teachings I was brought up on, you can't obliterate years of Catholic upbringing completely. It's one of the reasons I didn't divorce sooner."
"What about the two you lost? Did you love them too?"
Sharon closed her eyes and a lone tear rolled down her cheek and her voice was thick with the effort it took to control another flood of tears. "I lost the first one before I knew I was pregnant with it and the second I knew about only briefly before I lost it, Em, but yes of course I loved them. I grieved for them, like you have been grieving for your little one."
Emily looked over at the twins who were sleeping in their hammocks and then looked down at her hands. "To be completely honest, I didn't really truly understand what I had lost until I held the twins in my arms for the first time. Now I may never have another one of my own," Emily said her voice thick with emotion. Tears were running down her face again.
Sharon handed Emily, tissues and took some for herself. "Honey, they told me unequivocally that I could not have any more children after my last miscarriage. You can see how that worked out," she said pointing to the twins with a bemused expression on her face.
"Are your saying they could be wrong?" Emily asked with hope in her eyes.
"Darling, he did say probably, right? That says they aren't sure and aren't willing to commit to saying you absolutely cannot get pregnant again and even in this day and age of technology, medical science can be wrong. Look at little Kayla Provenza for example in spite of all the medical technology at our fingertips these days, Kayla exists and no one knew about her until the day she was born. In spite of dire predictions to the contrary she's still alive one month after the doctors told the Provenza's they didn't know if she'd survive the first operation. Medical miracles happen everyday and we're hoping for them to continue so we don't lose her during this operation."
"I sure hope she does survive. The Provenza's would be devastated. The Lt especially."
"Yes, Louie may seem like a grumpy old man but he's a teddy bear inside and he has a real soft spot for his kids and grandkids. Especially Kayla and Mikey. Kayla has proven herself to be a plucky little girl and hopefully she'll be okay. As for you Darling, there are all kinds of ways to beat infertility, but since it's not even an issue right now, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just don't wait till you're my age to explore motherhood. You may not be as lucky as I was."
Emily listened to her mother's wise words and nodded, then seeing what time it was she said, "Thanks for listening Mom, all this has been weighing me down. I've wanted to tell you about it but there never seemed to be the right time," she said as she hugged her mom.
"Of course Darling, I'll always try to be there to listen to you. I know it's been hard lately because of all the drama around here but for now on if you have something you want to talk to me about don't hesitate to tell me to listen. A friend of mine told me her mother tried to tell her something and she brushed her off because she was too busy to sit down and listen, her mother died before she could tell her what she wanted to tell her. It's been a source of grief to her ever since. I don't wish for that to happen to us. Okay?"
"The same from goes the other way around, Mom."
Sharon nodded and smiled as she reached up to kiss Emily, "okay, I agree."
"Do you mind if I go visit Madame now?"
"No, not at all. I'm thinking of taking a nap now anyway."
"Who will take care of the babies while you're asleep? Won't Andy be mad if I leave you?"
"Honey, this is not my first rodeo. I've been a mother before obviously I can be left alone with my own babies," Sharon said annoyed by her family's overprotectiveness.
"But Andy said you don't rest properly… if there isn't someone watching the babies while you sleep."
"Just lock the door and we'll be fine for a little while. Either Andy or your brothers will be home soon. The babies and I will be fine, if they wake up they love their swinging hammocks so they'll be happy for a little while. If they cry I'll feed them. They are asleep now and I'm not far behind them so get while the getting is good," Sharon said yawning.
"Okay, but you have to protect me if Andy gets mad," Emily said teasingly, looking over her mother's shoulder.
"I will. I'll just give him my Darth Raydor glare, that will send him running," Sharon said, wagging her eyebrows at her daughter.
"It will, will it? I guess I should be scared then?" Andy asked coming up behind Sharon and kissing the side of her neck.
"Yes if you know what's good for you," Sharon smirked. She was a cop after all and she had learned early on to read the body language of the person in front of her and be aware of her surroundings so as not to be taken by surprise. In spite of how tired she was, Sharon had known the exact moment when Andy had come into the room by the way Emily had started looking over her (Sharon's) shoulder so Sharon had not jumped out of her skin at the sound of Andy's voice in her ear.
"Go ahead and visit your friend, Em. I've got this," Andy said snuggling into the crook of Sharon's neck.
Sharon turned into Andy's arms and snuggled into him. They stood there swaying together. Emily smiled and left, as soon as she was out the door, Andy touched the button on the stereo remote turning on the CD player. The CD playing softly was love songs by artists of the fifties sixties and seventies. The song playing was "More," by Andy Williams.
Andy took Sharon's hand and put his arm around her waist. They danced and he sang into Sharon's ear quietly so the babies wouldn't wake up.
"More than the greatest love the world has known
This is the love I'll give to you alone
More than the simplest words I try to say
I only live to love you more each day
More than you'll never know my arms long to hold you so
My life will be in your keeping, waking, sleeping, laughing, and weeping
Longer than always is long long time,
But far beyond forever you'll be mine
I know I never lived before and my heart is very sure
No one else could love you more
I know I never lived before and my heart is very sure
No one else could love you more."
The last few lines Sharon sang along with him. Then they started to kiss. Andy lifted Sharon and started to take her down the hall to their room. When first Madison then Natalie started to cry Sharon's eyes closed and dropped on Andy's shoulder as she groaned. Andy continued down the hall and laid Sharon on the bed.
"I'm sorry," Sharon said remembering how Jack would get angry and stomp out to go to a bar or gamble anytime one of the children interrupted a make-out session or a love making session to be fed or just needed attention.
Andy looked into Sharon's eyes and immediately knew what was on her mind. "It's okay Sweetheart you get ready for them and I'll go change them and bring them to you. We'll cuddle while you nurse, okay? That's all we can do for another month anyway, doctor's orders.
Sharon smile was tremulous as she realized once again that Andy was not Jack. He would not get angry and storm out because his needs were not being met in lieu of the children. He was there for her, dirty diapers, spit up and missed make out sessions and all. "What did I ever do to deserve you?" She asked as she stroked her thumb over his cheek as he helped her get into the position to nurse the babies in tandem. He had brought both screaming babies in freshly changed and more than ready to eat. They were put in the position to nurse and as she got them latched on their screams turn to noises of happy suckling. Then Andy got behind her and they watched their baby girls eat enthusiastically. They talked about the changes they were starting to notice in the babies, the shades of red in their hair and the length of it. The way they seemed to be changing places in the weight department. Madison was the heavier of the two now at 7.6 oz while Natalie was 7.3. How Madison seemed to have calmed somewhat since they had turned one month, and Natalie was starting to be less patient about eating then Madison was.
Then as their conversation wound down, Sharon's eyes started to flutter closed, and she was out. Andy took care of burping the babies and switching their sides and once they were finished eating he eased out from behind the sleeping form of his wife. After covering Sharon and kissing her he took both baby girls into the kitchen with him, put them in their bouncy chairs and began cooking dinner.
Thank you for reading my story. A special thank you if you have taken the time to leave a review, they help with my motivation to keep writing.