Greetings, dear reader, I am back! (This is pretty similar to Meyer's first line of the preface/prologue/foreword/whatever she called it this time in Life and Death, btw; just to hammer it in.)
And on the paranthetical subject of Meyer, I have an EPICALLY GARGANTUAN PRODIGIOUS ENORMOUS COLOSSAL TITANIC CYCLOPEAN announcement: As of, like, err... around more than a week-ish ago I think (more than a month since editing this after the rough draft), I have completed reading Das_Mervin's entire sporking of Breaking Dawn. All of it. Including the comments. It took six freakin' months for that book alone! And just look at how long the spork of the entire series was!
das-sporking(d0t)livejournal(d0t)com/989899(d0t)html
Too uninitiated to click the link? Merv was kind enough to do the work of doing the word count on her sporks for us:
TWILIGHT PAGES: 620 WORDS: 244,867
MIDNIGHT SUN PAGES: 174 WORDS: 82,897
NEW MOON PAGES: 804 WORDS: 311,076
ECLIPSE PAGES: 804 WORDS: 312,480
THE SHORT SECOND LIFE OF BREE TANNER PAGES: 184 WORDS: 76,063
BREAKING DAWN PAGES: 2,131 WORDS: 860,869
TOTALS PAGES: 4,717 WORDS: 1,888,252
So, what I'm saying is, I did my research. It took THREE YEARS, but I finished researching Twilight.
I now know everything there is to know about Twilight.
Ask me anything.
It's all going to pay off in the greatest fanfiction you'll ever read in your entire life.
But first, you must pledge fealty to me. Build me monuments made of gold, cobalt, silver, titanium and copper. Build a shrine of the Eds dedicated to VBB the great. Worship me, and I may yet be merciful. Then again, maybe I should get on with this fanfic now.
Somewhere far away from the cul-de-sac, Johnny 2x4 was watching tv on the couch with his buddy Plank. Two beavers were hoisting a stump with a face drawn on it onto a conveyor belt into a lumber factory that led to a series of buzz-saws. They had the stump tied down so it couldn't escape.
"Spoot! Spoot!" Screamed a beaver who shall remained unnamed.
"Yes," said the blue-nosed yellow beaver that's not copyrighted by viacom and exists only in this fanfiction, "now we're going to saw this stump down to a board and ship it off to a cul-de-sac somewhere, and it will never bother us again!"
"I know that," the red-nosed darker brown beaver said, "we talked about our plans before we came here, remember?"
"That was for the benefet for an outside observer."
"But we're the only ones here-"
"SILENCE," screamed the yellow beaver, "as you know, Bob, once we're finally rid of that stump, we can live out our lives in the dam in peace."
"My name's not Bob," said the other beaver, "and I already knew that. Spoot! Spooty spoot!"
"Let's just get this over with."
The stump sat motionless, tied down to the conveyor belt as it began to move toward the spinning blades. If the stump was sentient, would it attempt to struggle free from its bonds to avoid its fate? Not while someone's looking.
Johnny put a hand over plank's face. "Don't look, plank!"
Grinding sounds screeched from the TV as Johnny and Planked were bathed in a reddish glow from the screen.
When the view went back to the TV after the graphic imagery stopped, there stood a rectangular-shaped board of wood, about two-by-four (feet? quarter-meters? give me a clue, man), with a face drawn on it.
The screen faded to black. Johnny removed his hand from Plank's eyes.
"Phew, that was scary, Plank." Almost as scary as it would be if Viacom could do their copyright strike thing and take down this fanfic. Ha! There are no illegal copyrights used in that completely original, fictional cartoon I just made up.
"Good thing it wasn't real."
Plank stared blankly and didn't move. You would have seen him wink knowingly if the camera didn't just pan back over to Johnny quick enough to miss it. He's sneaky like that.
Johnny was shivering from the horror he witnessed, but now he froze.
"Plank," he said, "did you feel that?"
Plank said nothing.
"Something evil is happening to our old house."
Johnny turned off the tv, got up from the couch, and walked to a cubboard under the stairs. He went into it, and inside was - no, not a wizard - a miniature drawer with a shoebox inside. The shoebox was padlocked, but Johnny knew the code -
31337
He didn't need to use it; the chain was wrapped around the base of the shoebox and not the lid, so he just opened the box to reveal a hollowed-out slice of half a watermelon. He attempted to put it on his head, but the melonhead helmet of his youth was too small to fit his head's now-gigantic girth.
"Awww, phoey!" He chucked the watermelon and splattered the underside of the staircase.
"I'm going to need a new alter-ego."
On the couch - though it appeared he had not moved - plank was wearing a mask.
"Besides," said Johnny, "Watermelon is a lousy nickname."
Johnny went to the kitchen and saw the pumpkin on the counter his parents hollowed out for a pie. Could it be just big enough to... ?
Johnny smiled. "It's perfect."
Double-Dee was up, hat already on.
"I thought I left my shoes in the mudroom," he said, bedsheets thrashed from having slept with his shoes on all night. Double-Dee shrugged it off. Ed's shoe broke through his window.
"Hey, Double-Dee," Eddie's voice said, "barbeque at Kevin's!"
Double-dee went to the window. "Barbeque; this early?" He had a puzzled look on his face as he looked at Eddie and a one-shoed Ed on his lawn.
"It's 11, sockhead!"
Double-dee looked at his potato clock. "I slept in!"
"You never sleep in," said Eddy.
"What about the episode when -" Eddy shoved Ed's shoe in his mouth before he could finish (which is a continuity error since the shoe should still be in Double-Dee's room. I'm not going to go back and fix it.)
"Shut up, Ed!"
Ed's eyes bugged out as he gagged on his own shoe. "Mmmfffffth!"
"Coming!" Double-dee ran out the door as Ed coughed up the shoe and put it back on.
Kevin's yard had a big white banner over it that read:
WELCOME, NEIGHBORS!
Kevin was flipped a burger over the barbeque onto a bun. "This one's ready!"
Jimmy came to claim his burger. He analyzed it. "Hmmm..."
"Do you want it, or what?" Kevin asked.
"Plums," he said simply.
"Plums! We don't have any plums!"
"Hey Jimmy," Naz said, "I made some fried eggplant."
Jimmy rubbed his tummy. "Oh, yum, eggplant!"
"Hey, kevvo," Eddie said.
"Oh, it's you," said Kevin. "I thought the neighbors would be here by now. Rolf went over there, like, an hour ago to get them."
"Oh my," Double-dee said, "is it going to rain?" The sky darkened as clouds formed overhead.
"It better not," said Kevin.
Ed looked up at the sky with a dopish grin. "This is just like that town that's so cloudy that vampires can go to school without sparkling in I Was A Teenage Sparklypoo!"
Rolf's piercing cry could be heard across the cul-de-sac, "Wilfred!"
All the kids abandoned Kevin's BBQ and ran over to Rolf's place.
Wilfred the goat was splayed in a bloody pile in the grass. His neck had a chunk cut out at the adam's apple that appeared to be grinded and torn off just as Wilfred's teeth had done to carrots his whole life. Poetic irony, isn't it?
"Just when it got dark," Rolf explained, "I saw it. A flash that flew faster than the shoe my dad hits me with came and went faster than you could say 'teenage sparklypoo!' When it was gone, Wilfred was dead!"
The cul-de-sac kids cringed at the sight of it.
"Not Wilfred," said Sarah.
"Did you get a good look at it?" Kevin asked.
"I just told you," Rolf said, "all I saw was a blur. Then Wilfred was dead. This is exactly like the creature spoken of in my old country. The pumpkin head!"
"Pumpkin head?" [Insert Kevin's speech tag here 'cuz there's too many kids in this scene to leave out the tag.]
"Yes; and it is, how do you say, a very spoony one."
"It sure wasn't a vampire," said Sarah, "it doesn't have fang bite marks."
Jimmy was shivering with his hands over his eyes.
Double-Dee pulled a magnifying glass out of nowhere.
"Hmmm... Sarah is right," he said upon inspection, "this appears to have been made by something in the shape of a human jaw that is somehow razor sharp with no fangs, but that's impossible."
"I'm telling you," Rolf said, "it is the Pumpkin Head!"
"Hey, Rolf," Kevin said, "didn't you go get the neighbors?"
"They wouldn't come out," said Rolf, "so I came here to feed the livestock before coming back to the BBQ."
"How rude," said Sarah.
"that blows," said Kevin.
"Hey," said Naz, "who's that?"
Naz pointed to two people in the distance. A teenage bishonen with bronze-ish, reddish, blondish hair wearing all beige, and a brunette girl wearing an extremely expensive and delicate blue cocktail dress. The boy had gold eyes, and the girl's eyes were red. They stood there motionless, as if they weren't even breathing. Their skin was as white as, well, to put it bluntly, vampires. Oh, come on; as if anybody reading this doesn't already know.
"Greetings," he said.
This is it. It took us almost 3 chapters and five years to get to this point, but we finally made it. Here he is.
The fourth Ed.
"Well," Naz said, hand outstretched in a friendly gesture, "what's your names, dudes?"
"I-" the girl began to speak.
"This," the boy interjected, "is Isabella Swan Cullen."
"Oh," Sarah said, "you're beautiful!"
"And I," halting Sarah and Isabella with the flip of his wrist before they could continue, "am Edward Masen Cullen."
Sarah's mouth went agape. "Edward?"
Kevin was taken aback. "Edward?"
Everyone said at once: "Edward?"
"Yes," Edward mused solemly, smugly lathering on overly descriptive adverbage and thesaurus abuse to his speech tag as he commanded his voice like a greek statue-esque destroying angel (not the mushrooms).
"Oh great," Kevin groaned, "not another Ed."
"So," Naz made the lead-in to the next subject, "are you twins or something? You don't look related."
"Isabella is my wife," said Edward.
Kevin stared. "Your wife? How old are you?"
Edward hesitated for a moment, darting his eyes to each kid in the cul-de sac. "Seventeen."
Kevin's eyebrow raised, "Did you see who did this?"
Kevin pointed to Rolf crying over Wilfred's body.
"No."
Naz asked, "do you want a burger?"
"We're vegetarian."
"I made fried eggplant."
"We already fed- ate. I apologize."
Rolf stopped crying and glared at Edward with his eyes narrowed.
Eddie broke in. "Hey! You're an Ed!"
"Just like us," said double-dee.
"Buttered toast-Ed," said Ed.
"Oh yeah," Naz said, "we really should introduce ourselves.
"You are Naz," said Edward.
"That's Kevin, the crying blue-haired one is Rolf, the boy that likes plums is Jimmy, the red-haired one is Sarah, and you..." he went on, looking at the Eds, "are Eddward, Edward, and..."
He stared at Ed. He looked as if he was in pain. His crooked smile flattened down into an almost grimacing flatline.
Ed yelled excitedly, "I am Ed!"
"Those," Naz said, "were some pretty good guesses."
"What the hell, man," Kevin said as he approached Edward, "we invite you to a barbeque that I slaved over the grill for to welcome you to the cul-de-sac, and you ignore us for an hour to eat something vegetarian and shove it in our face? How do you know our names?"
Edward said nothing. Isabella looked like she was about to say something, but Edward touched her face and she smiled with a glazed look in her eyes. Sarah's face had the same look as Isabella's as she watched him.
Rolf stomped up into Edward's face. "Viktor is dead!"
"You mean Wilfred," Edward corrected.
"You, you-" Rolf stammered, "you DORK!"
"You sure called it, man," Kevin said, "Wardo is a huge Dork."
"Wardo?" Edward said. "My name is Edward."
"Oh, put a stocking in it, Wardo," said Jimmy.
"Come on, guys," said Kevin, "let's go some place where there's no dorks." All the kids, sans Ed, Edd, Eddy n' Wardo (and Bella, in case you forgot that piece of furniture was here), gathered up Wilfred to give him a proper funeral and left the Eds to their own devices. Sarah sighed and turned her gaze away from Wardo to join them.
"Well, Wardo," Eddy said, "congratulations! You've been called a dork!"
"That means you're one of us," said Double-Dee.
"And I am Ed!"
Wardo glared at Ed.
"You look frustrated about something," said Double-dee.
ed asked, "was it something I regurgitated?"
"My name is Edward!" Wardo's teeth were gritted together in a menacing crooked-grimace of doom.
"Sure it is, Wardo," Eddy said, "just like Double-dee here, but without the second D."
"You!" He pointed at Ed. "What are you thinking?"
"Buttered Toast!"
"What is your favorite color?"
"Gravy!"
"That's enough of the twenty questions, Mister Inquisition," Eddy said.
Double-Dee brightened, "I have an idea! Why don't we all play HeXen at my house?"
"We only have three computers," said Eddy.
"Computers," Wardo pondered. "I can get one of those."
"Okay, Wardo," Eddy said, "grab your PC and meet us over at Double-Dee's place. It's that house over there." Eddy pointed at whatever house double-dee lives in because the author didn't pay enough attention to the show to be able to describe it.
"We're going to have fun!" Double-Dee was squealing. "New friendships!"
"I am a mutant potato! Pour gravy on me!"
A moment of silence for the recently departed Wilfred the goat. Wait, was Wilfred the pig? Maybe the goat was Victor. Bah, do the research and go to wikipedia for five seconds yourselves, readers. I'm not correcting it.