Longest chapter yet. A lot of stuff is happening. Make sure you're reading Selfish on archive of our own or you're going to get lost.
Also, feel free to come into the discord discord. gg/ gfRQvpw to talk or... I don't know, threaten to kill me after you read this chapter.
"She's waking up now, doctor" you hear a nurse say before you even open your eyes. When you finally come to, you see an array of nurses and a doctor around you, monitoring your vital signs, and an IV already in your arm. They noticed. You try to sit up but the room is spinning and the nausea hits you hard. You slouch back onto the bed.
"What's going on?" you ask, though you knew they were probably trying to wake you. You hoped they had not been trying for very long.
"Give her a dose of Flumazenil" the doctor says to the nurse. "You were having an episode" he says to you, and you see him direct the nurse to push the medication onto your IV.
"Stop please, I don't want any more medications" you say, though you weren't sure they were able to understand you. Your speech felt slurred, as if they had given you a very strong sedative.
"We're trying to help you wake up honey" you hear the nurse say while she took the syringe out of your IV.
"I'm awake" you say, but your voice seemed weak. What was going on? You'd woken up nauseous and dizzy before but you felt sedated. "What… what did you give me?" you manage to ask.
"We gave you benzodiazepines to wake you and now we're giving you some flumazenil to treat the high dose of the benzo"
"I think we can call off the ambulance, she seems to be coming back to us." the doctor said,
"Ambulance?" you ask, weakly.
"Don't worry honey" the nurse said. "We're taking care of everything"
You fought to stay awake but whatever they had given you was winning the battle of your alertness. In the end, you felt your consciousness slowly slip away.
Someone continued to wake you every few minutes, but fortunately they let you sleep for the most part. You weren't sure how much time had passed when you finally regained consciousness in a significant way, or at least enough to get you to stand up and use the restroom. Aside from being a little dizzy, you felt back to normal. Whatever they had given you was no longer sedating you to the point of inducing sleep. A nurse brought you some food and something to drink. It didn't look entirely appetizing, but once you began eating you realized how hungry you really were.
"What happened to me?" you asked the nurse, as you took a bite of the fruit they'd given you.
"You had an episode. We were trying to wake you for about 20 minutes before you came to." she said. "We had already called the ambulance and everything. Lucky you came when you did, otherwise we'd have sent you to the hospital again" she said.
"I felt really… groggy before. I remember someone putting something in my IV" you say.
"Yes, Benzos. Wonderful little drug. Keeps people calm, relaxes you, and snaps people from catatonic episodes. You're a tough one though, most people react to benzos in a minute or two - we were giving you benzos for almost 20 minutes before you came back to us."
"What did you give me after?" you ask, trying to remember the names of these drugs. You knew it would be a losing battle, but if you could look them up later it may prepare you for what problems it could cause in your pregnancy. You felt it was the least you could do.
"We gave you something to reduce the effect of the benzos since we had given you such a high dose trying to wake you up." she said, not giving you a name. You'd just try and get your records later, if you had a chance.
"So… what does this mean for me?" you ask, putting the now empty food tray aside. "Am I going to have to stay here longer?"
"Well let's see…" she says, stepping outside and rolling a computer on wheels into the room. "Your inpatient goal was to be free of any catatonic episodes while on a controlled medication. Ideally this would have been managed in a couple of weeks but… ah, since you stopped your medication without notifying us we had to start giving you IV meds… and then you had an episode, albeit shorter than previously recorded in your chart…" the nurse says, looking at the computer screen. "I'd say you can expect to be here for at least another month, give or take."
"Another month?" of IV medications?
"Most likely. If you have another episode it could be longer or at that point we may have to transfer you to another facility that is better equipped to handle cases like yours"
"Oh god…" you say, covering your face with your hands. What did I get myself into.
The next day, they finally let you out of your room and you weren't constantly monitored. You looked for Daria but quickly enough remembered she had been discharged. When you distracted yourself by looking out of the window, a familiar face sat in the loveseat across from you.
"MC" Saeran said, looking in your direction.
"Saeran" you said, acknowledging him. "Did you know you died in your… world?"
He was silent as he stared out of the window.
"I thought that might have been the case" he said, holding his hands together.
"Is that what you intended to do when you took the elixir? Die? Or did you know you'd end up here?" you ask him.
"I… I knew there was a chance I might end up here." he said "It had never happened for me before. I… honestly thought it was more likely I'd just die. The elixir always made me really sick but I always felt so… lost and confused when I didn't take it. When I took the elixir I felt I had..." he looked for a word to describe what he felt but in the end he just settled with "guidance."
"Guidance?"
"Rika always told me what to do and when I took the elixir I didn't care about what I was doing, I just knew I made her happy by doing what she wanted."
"You know that it was very wrong of her to do this to you" you say, putting your hand on his shoulder. "She tricked you and abused you. She was very sick, she needed help and didn't get it" you say, looking into his eyes. He closed them and looked away in shame. He nodded in understanding but would not look back at you.
"I'm sorry MC, stopping the elixir made me crazy. My thoughts weren't… weren't right. I'm sorry if I hurt you" Saeran says, still not meeting your eyes.
"I forgive you" you say, putting your hands back in your lap. "Actually, if you want to make it up to me, I could really use your help with something"
"What's that?" he asks, his eyes fixated on the floor. "I don't think there's much I can do for you from here"
"I need your help to make the elixir" you say. Your tone was determined, but your voice came out shaky. You knew you were going against Zen's wishes and what he asked you to do… and perhaps you wouldn't go through with it if you could find a different way to stay permanently with Zen… but you wanted to have the option available if you couldn't find any other way.
"The elixir?" he says, turning to look at you. "I… I can try. I have most of the recipe memorized. I won't be able to make it in here though." he says, referring to them still being in the psych ward.
"Have they said anything about when they'll let you out?" you ask him.
"I think they're trying to find some sort of record of me that doesn't exist in this world" he says, sighing. "They think I've made up a persona and that's why they can't find me. I don't know what they'll do until they figure something out. I don't suppose they're going to keep me here forever" he said, leaning back into his chair.
"Saeyoung made me paperwork" you say, thinking back "he probably hacked into a government database or something and made me an ID"
"I could probably do the same thing" Saeran said "but I don't have access to a computer here. And I've seen the things they're rolling around out here, they're outdated, to say the least. I probably wouldn't be able to access that kind of information here, even less do it before I get caught by someone"
"We have to figure out a way to get you out of here then" you say, trying to think of a solution.
"What about you?" he asks.
"What about me?"
"If I leave and say… say I make a run for it, I won't be able to come back, let alone with the elixir, to give it to you"
"Right…" you say, thinking more about it.
"Unless you left also." he said.
"It's not that easy for me" you say, thinking about it. You had nothing with you here - no cellphone, no money, no credit cards - and you couldn't go home to get them because your mother was staying at your place and if she found you she'd promptly return you here, which would make everything a lot worse. You didn't really have any friends here that would cover for you either - your co-workers would think they're helping you by turning you in so you could get treatment and Ember was… not here.
"Let me go make a phone call" you say, thinking of a possibility, a chance. You go up to the nurse and beg her to let you call your mother - you tell her how you weren't able to talk to your friend on her birthday and you hadn't heard from her so you wanted your mom to try and reach her for you. You beg so sweetly the nurse finally gives in and you quickly dial your mother.
"Mom" you say, nervousness rifling through you.
"Honey, is something wrong? This isn't your phone call time" you hear her say.
"Mom, have you talked to Ember recently?"
"No, not recently. I left her a voicemail on her birthday but I haven't heard from her, now that you mention it."
"Have you kept my phone on? Has she tried to call me?"
"Oh your phone ran out of battery weeks ago and I couldn't find your charger. I called your office and gave them my number if you needed me. I'm actually surprised Ember hasn't called back…"
"Mom, I think something bad happened to Ember. Please, check my phone, I'm her emergency contact."
"Oh honey, you're overreacting, I'm sure she's just been busy and doesn't know what's going on"
"Mom, mom." you say, getting infuriated by your mother's dismissive words "Listen to me, it is not like Ember not to call me to check on me, she knew I was having some health problems… and worse, I hadn't told you but Ember was going to move in with me a few weeks ago because some guy was stalking her. I'm really worried she hasn't called you back."
"Oh, well why didn't you tell me this before?"
"I… I don't know, I've been kind of out of it lately. I think these meds are making me kind of… foggy" was the only excuse you could mutter - in reality, you knew where Ember was and it hadn't occurred to you to tell your mother. Your mother loved Ember and the thought of causing her even more distress over her likely death broke your heart.
"I'll call her right now honey. Where's your phone charger so I can check if you have any voicemails?"
"It's behind my computer desk - you should be able to just see the cable sticking out next to my computer"
"Got it honey" your mother says. "I'll call you back when I've tracked her down, alright? I'm sure she's okay"
"Just find her, please" you tell her. You felt incredibly guilty sending your mother in this errand, but she'd have to find out sooner or later.
"Okay honey, I love you, bye bye"
"Love you too mom" you say, before hanging up the phone. You couldn't help but feel completely heartless by asking your mother to do this. Worse, once she found out Ember was dead or maybe in a coma at some hospital, you'd try to use it as an excuse to get out of here… to get Saeran out of here, and potentially die yourself. You walked back to where Saeran was sitting and you sat across from him again. You couldn't help but succumbing into tears. What had become of your life? Where you really stuck in a psych ward for psychosis, catatonic episodes, and a psychological pregnancy… planning a way to escape to end your existence in this world so you could be with the man you loved and your child… but leaving everything you knew behind and had worked hard to accomplish - your career, your mother, your life…
"MC…" Saeran said, trying to comfort you but his words fell on silent ears. You were too wrapped up in the consequences your decisions had led you to. If you had never played Mystic Messenger, if you had never called Zen, if you had never… but you knew, deep down, that the love you harbored for Zen and for your unborn baby were like nothing you had ever experienced and you'd give it all up for them. "... and Daria might be able to help" you heard Saeran continuing to say.
"I'm sorry, what?" you asked him while wiping away your tears, as you hadn't paid any attention to what he said while you were crying.
"I said Daria might be able to help. She has resources" Saeran said, offering you a tissue.
"What kind of resources?" you asked, your interest peaking while you blotted away at your face.
"Her family has money" Saeran said. "She has money. She told me I could call her when I got out of here and she'd give me a place to stay. I'm sure she'd let you stay there too if you really need it"
"That's… nice of her" you say, thinking that at least that option was available if you had to hide from your mother while you looked into how to make the elixir. Daria might even be sympathetic to your cause if you could get her to believe your story.
You talked to Saeran for the rest of the day. He told you he knew all the ingredients to the elixir but he wasn't sure of the quantities. He mentioned that happened last time but he wasn't sure where he had made the mistake in the concoction that landed him here. He mentioned some herbs that you had heard about before and some you hadn't. You really hoped you'd be able to find all of them- who knew if some of those ingredients didn't exist on this dimension. Great, yet another thing to worry about.
That night, you had difficulties going to bed. Your brain couldn't stop thinking of the possibilities and the alternatives of trying to do this. What if you took the elixir and it hurt the baby? What if it didn't work? What if you couldn't get all the ingredients? Worse - what if you just died and didn't cross over dimensions?
It felt like hours before you were able to succumb to a restless sleep. Not long after, however, you were woken by a knock on the door. The nurse walked in, followed closely by your mother.
"Mom?" you say, sitting up on the bed. "What's going on?"
"Oh honey…" your mother began, rushing over to the bed and sitting next to you, She embraced you immediately and you heard her sobbing on your shoulder.
"Mom, what happened?" You knew - this had to be about Ember.
"Ember is no longer with us" your mom said, without letting go of you. "The police found her body in a park by the river. She drowned. I'm so sorry honey, I'm sorry."
But you knew this. You had talked to her in the other dimension… and yet hearing your mother cry for your friend, even hearing your friend was dead, hurt much more than you expected. If you were never able to figure out how to return to the other dimension, you had lost your friend as well. So you cried, you cried in your mother's arms, for the loss of your friend and for everything that was going on around you. Your urge to leave, your pain away from Zen, and even more, the idea of leaving your mother and your life behind. It was all incredibly overwhelming.
Your mother tried to spare you the gruesome details of when they found Ember's body. She told you it had been over a month since they found it. The police had managed to identify her but they didn't know who to contact until about two weeks ago. By then, your phone had been off. They had cremated her since no one had claimed the body but your mother requested the ashes be sent to her.
"I… I want to do something for her" you tell your mother. "I want to spread her ashes somewhere. Outside. She loved the outdoors".
"Of course sweetie" your mother says. "I'll keep the ashes at home for you and we'll be waiting for you when you get out of here".
And that was that. You just didn't have the strength to fight it. You were so emotionally exhausted you couldn't argue with your mother about wanting to leave the psych ward early. Besides, using Ember's death as an excuse to leave just felt… wrong. In the end, your mother left you in your bed and the exhaustion dragged you back to sleep.
Note: This scene takes place BEFORE AND DURING Chapter 10 of Selfish.
Zen looked at the notes sprawled over his desk. V had contacted him out of the blue and asked him to keep some of these papers for him. He said it was some of the paperwork he'd found in Rika's old apartment that he was finally putting up for sale. He hadn't had the chance of going over them but they were very confidential and he didn't want them laying around his house since he was going out of town for a while. Zen took the papers and didn't think much of them first until curiosity got the better of him. Most of these things he wasn't even sure what they were but while looking through them he spotted the mint eye logo. He had seen it sprawled all over the mansion where they had found Saeran. His interest peaked and eventually a copy of the elixir recipe came to light.
The overall cost of these herbs and drugs was not very much - not for the dosage he figured he'd need. Obtaining the items was another thing all together. Some he'd be able to find at a regular supermarket but some others he might need to look online or even… in more discreet avenues. He had been forced to call back some of the members of his old gang to see about the whereabouts of some of these and found some resistance. He had left them long ago, and despite not having parted in bad ways, he wasn't a part of the group anymore. Asking them to find some illegal substances for him was kind of a stretch. Thankfully, one of them had agreed to help with some. The rest, he'd have to figure out on his own.
These were the moments he wished he was better with computers, no doubt Luciel would be able to find all of these in no time. He considered calling him and it wasn't until he had answered that he realized it was a bad idea to ask him about this. He didn't know if Ember had told him about Saeran yet and didn't want to put him at risk of attempting what he himself had promised MC he wouldn't do. Still, when Saeyoung answered the phone, he had to pretend he was calling for a reason.
"Hey, how have you been?" he asked, trying to make small chat while he thought of a reason for his call.
"Things are… alright" Luciel answered.
"How's Ember?" come up with something, Zen.
"She's… alright, I guess" Luciel answered.
"You guess?"
"I think she's doing ok? She's… she's been taking care of me"
"Well, I know that." Zen replied. "Are you treating her well?"
"I got her some food the other day" Luciel replied.
"That's… a start, I suppose" Zen commented. "Is she going to officially move into your house now?"
"What do you mean?" Luciel asked.
"Well, she is not from here and everything she's done is take care of you. Where else would she go?"
"Why would she go anywhere?"
"Why would she stay? Are you treating her well?" Zen asked again.
"I… I don't… I'm not treating her poorly, if that's what you mean"
"You know she really cares about you, right?"
"I don't know why, I'm just… lately..." Luciel started before he was cut off by Zen.
"Seven, if that girl is still taking care of you, she clearly likes you."
"..."
"You do know that, right?" Zen asked. "You know she likes you"
"..."
"Luciel?"
"Yeah… yeah" Seven answered.
"Just… try to like her. From the things MC has told me, she's a lovely girl. You'll never find someone like her again. Do not miss your chance"
"Is this why you called me?" Seven asked.
"Yep. Just to see how things were doing and offer some wise advice"
"Okay… well, I'm doing fine and… I'll take your advice into consideration" Seven said, hanging up the phone shortly after. Zen took a deep breath, thanking the stars he hadn't spilled anything about the elixir or the recipe. He had kept his word to MC to help keep Luciel from trying to cross over dimensions. And yet… his promise to her was wavering. He missed her. He missed her with every fiber of his being. He missed her smile, the sound of her voice, the softness of her skin. The way her eyes sparkled when she saw him and he knew she saw him. She could see past his beauty, past his perfection, past the exterior that shelled him from everyone around him. Since he'd had her the first time, she had become an emptiness nothing but her could satisfy. I can't go back to a life without you. She had said. What if it didn't work? What if she came back looking for him and couldn't find him? He tossed the notes away, after he had spent hours trying to figure out where to get the ingredients for the elixir. He's sleep on it and maybe… maybe MC would come back the next day.
But she didn't. She didn't come back the day after. And the notes with the recipe were sitting on his counter. When he went grocery shopping, he'd pass by some of the herbs and remembered they were in the recipe. One time, he bought one of the ingredients but it sat in his refrigerator until the plant died and he had to toss it out. He tried his best to continue his life and his theater. The guys would invite him out but he'd just go back home and sit on the rooftop, looking for a shooting star to wish upon MC's return to him. The night sky was beautiful and full of twinkling lights, but no shooting stars graced him with their magic to grant wishes.
A week passed until he got a call from Ember about borrowing some of MC's clothes. He agreed to let her borrowed whatever she wanted, knowing MC would let her borrow anything. He teased her about a date with Luciel, thinking that wouldn't be the case, but her coyness proved his accusations to be true. A rollercoaster of emotions surged through him - jealousy that Ember was permanently here and not MC, happiness that Ember was doing well with Luciel, and relief that Luciel wasn't comatose as he had been when first told of Saeran's fate. He even felt a tinge of sadness that MC would not be here to share this moment with her friend. He needed to put a happy face on, he needed to be the supportive friend that MC would be for Ember. That's what MC would want. She would want her friend's happiness.
When Ember arrived to his apartment, he had already picked all the clothes out of the closet but too late he remembered some he had kept in bags under his bed - his closet didn't fit everything he had purchased for MC. In the few minutes it took him to take the things out and walk out to meet her, she had found the notes on the elixir that still sat on his counter. He hadn't even thought of putting them away, he hadn't expected Ember to look through them. She yelled at him, just like he knew MC would if she had caught him trying to do this, and in his sadness he could only admit he had considered it. In the end, Ember took the notes and he didn't stop her. He had taken a picture of the recipe with his phone, in case V came back for the files before he had a chance to try and make the elixir. In the end, he let her go with MC's clothes and a request to send pictures of her date with Luciel. He knew it would make MC gleam with happiness to see her friend having a nice day out. He imagined her smiling from ear to ear looking at the pictures and he couldn't help himself. He dialed Yoosung's number.
"Yoosung, I have a favor to ask. Are you free to help me out with a little project?" Zen asked.
"Sure, I have a few days off before my next semester starts" Yoosung said. Zen could hear the sounds of LOLOL in the background. "What do you need help with?"
"Luciel is going on a date with Ember. I want to get some pictures for MC"
"I'm so in" Yoosung said. "When is it?"
The day came and despite Zen's reservations, they headed for the longcat exhibition at the local Zoo. Zen had wore dark sunglasses and a hat but soon enough regretted not borrowing one of the wigs from the theater. His long, silky silver hair caught people's eyes so easily it was difficult to blend in. Not to mention, with the surge in popularity of his ongoing musical, he was getting spotted by fans more and more often. He braided his hair and shoved it into the hat but the result was not the most convincing. Yoosung was even worse, he looked comically out of a old detective movie, wearing a long trench coat, and sunglasses. They were going to get caught for sure. Eh, at least they'd have some fun doing it and hopefully still get some pictures for MC.
"Woah" Yoosung sighed when he first spotted Ember at the Zoo with Luciel. "She looks… she looks amazing"
"Just take the pictures Yoosung" Zen said, trying to keep the boy on track. But he did have to admit, she looked much better wearing girly clothes when compared to what she wore every time they'd met her before. If he wasn't mistaken, she was even wearing make up. It put a smile on his face - Ember was doing her best to gain Luciel's affection and from the looks of him, it was working.
"Zen, we have to get a little closer if we want to get some better shots." Yoosung said, pointing his camera at their general direction.
"You go on ahead. I'll circle around. I don't want to die in the cat enclosure." Zen said as he sent Yoosung on forward. Even walking near the enclosure had made his throat itch. Damn cat allergies! The worst part was that circling around meant going almost all the way around the Zoo and it took him the better part of 20 minutes to get back to where the longcat exhibit was. He stayed far away enough to still be able to breathe but he managed to get a couple of shots of Luciel and Ember in the audience. They weren't great shots, but he wasn't V. Yoosung spotted Zen a few minutes later and joined him behind a tree.
"I managed to grab some pics" Yoosung said, showing him what he had on his digital camera.
"Hey, those aren't half bad" Zen said, looking at them. One of them had Luciel pulling Ember's hand towards the exhibit and despite some blurriness here and there, the picture looked quite nice. Zen, on the other hand, would have to wait until he took the pictures to be revealed. He'd bought one of those disposable film cameras and wasn't able to examine the shots to see if they were any good.
"Zen, you should just take the pictures with your phone, they're probably better quality than the disposable camera ones" Yoosung had pointed out.
"I like these little cameras!" Zen had said "Besides, I'm worried Luciel will hack into my phone"
"Your phone is too old to be hacked into" Yoosung said, nonchalantly. Zen shrugged.
"What can I say, I like what I like. Let's go grab a beer, it is hot out" Zen said, pointing at a little stand. Yoosung agreed and ended up getting an ice cream as well.
A while later, the exhibit had finished. Zen knew Luciel and Ember had noticed them, especially when a fan girl had screamed Zen so loudly he was surprised he wasn't swarmed by other fans. He'd tried to be discreet but that had not helped at all. Yoosung had a better time trying to chase after them and he hoped ultimately he'd be able to rely more on whatever photos he took.
When they headed towards the cars, Zen told Yoosung he'd follow on his motorcycle. With Luciel driving his sports cars, it was likely Yoosung wouldn't be able to catch up in his car. Besides, he'd serve as a good distraction in case Luciel finally called them out. What was the most interesting, however, was that Luciel took Ember to Zen's favorite 'secret spot'. He made a mental note to bring MC here when she came back. Yoosung pointed at some bushes and they sneaked around behind them but it felt obvious that they were there. Specially when Yoosung jumped after spotting a spider. This triggered Luciel to walk over to where they were.
"Zen, Yoosung" he said, seemingly talking to the bushes. Zen dragged himself out of the bushes and finally took off the hat. His braided hair finally free of the stuffiness in there. "Can you give us some privacy, please. I'm sure by now you've had enough of whatever it is you're trying to do"
"Yeaaah" Yoosung said, stretching out his legs. "I think we got about 100 pictures between the two of us"
"Probably" Zen said, stretching out his back.
"Can you... if you don't mind?" Luciel said, making a gesture with his hand that clearly meant make yourself sparse.
"Come on Yoosung, we shouldn't intrude anymore" Zen said, trying to be respectful of Luciel's and Ember's moment.
"Aww but the pictures would come out soooo good now, the sun is about to set" Yoosung whined.
"I'll send you guys some pictures, just please, go" Luciel begged. It seemed the most polite way he'd ever ask them to do anything. Zen put his arm around Yoosung and walked over towards the car as Luciel walked back towards Ember.
"Just go home Yoosung. Thanks for coming with me" Zen said, patting him on the back. "Send me the pictures when you get home."
"Sure thing" Yoosung said. "Where's your bike?"
"I parked it on top of the hill, I have to go get it" Zen said.
"Want me to give you a ride?"
"Nah, I'll walk. It's faster if I just cut through the grass" Zen said, pointing at an area where the slope wasn't steep.
"Alright, I'll see you later." Yoosung said, hoping into his car and driving away.
Zen walked up the hill through the grass towards his motorcycle. He grabbed his helmet and threw one last look at the sunset setting. He took a second to unbraid his hair while the sun went down. A chill was starting to hit and he saw Luciel giving Ember his sweater. The view was perfect and now they really didn't know he was there. He took his camera out for one last snap and it happened - they kissed. He snapped.
Zen smiled, knowing these pictures would put a smile on MC's face. He could just savour her happiness, her laughter, her joy. He wanted her to have all these things while he held her in his arms.
The days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months. Yet time seemed to be at a standstill for you. The days were the same. Food, group therapy, and afternoon sitting by yourself, though sometimes Saeran would join you. On visiting days, your mother would come in and tell you stories of things that were happening outside of this place. Daria would come in to visit Saeran and sometimes she talked to you for a little bit, but your mother took most of your time. The rest of the days, had become a mindless routine. You took up "meditation", but in reality, it was nothing but a wall you put up to avoid talking to the rest of the people in the ward. All you did was sit there imagining Zen's face when he looked at you. Remembering the best moments of your time with him, nothing but the happier memories you'd had of him. You also liked to imagine sometimes that Ember and Saeyoung were in love and that brought a smile to your face.
Sadly, you had not returned to Zen's dimension. They continued to give you the medication via IV and you figured if you wanted to be discharged you had to play by the rules. They switched you back to the oral medication after almost 3 weeks of IV treatment and no episodes. It felt like a little success.
On a rainy afternoon, Saeran came to sit with you.
"I'm getting out of here tomorrow" he said.
"What? How?" you asked. He had not said anything about leaving before.
"Daria managed to find someone to make me a Korean passport" he said, smiling. "Now they believe I am who I said I am all along"
"That's great news" you say, impressed at Daria's prowess. "Are you going to be staying with Daria when you get out?"
"Yes, I am. At least until I find a job and I can move out on my own." He said, simply. "Find me when you get out. I'll be looking into making the elixir for you, as much as I can"
"Thank you" you said, but your voice had felt like a whisper. You had ransacked your brain for a way, an idea, anything, that could make drinking the elixir not the best option… but you hadn't thought of any. "If you can… if you can think of anything else that might help me… stay there"
"I'll do some research" he said. "But I've been thinking about it and I just don't know of any other way. I never even knew of anyone that had crossed the way you did."
You nodded in understanding. "I know… I just… I really want to go back." you say, pleading at him with your eyes. You knew he could see your grief and your urge to return and you trusted him to help you achieve this. The problem was, there was no real guarantee it would work. It had only worked once with him and yet he had given the same thing to Saeyoung without having the same result. It seemed a great hit or miss situation which made it all the worse. You'd be gambling your life on something that could just fail catastrophically… and you'd have killed yourself and your unborn baby.
The next day, Saeran said goodbye and promised you he'd work on a solution for you. You hugged him before he left and watched through the window as Daria waited for him by a car. She stood in front of him and smiled, but she didn't touch him. They got in the car and drove away. And there it was, the last connection you had to Zen's dimension driving away in a nice car, on a day that was no different than any of the other days you had spent locked up in this ward. The monotony had become infuriating but you didn't want to become frustrated. It would just make the wait worse.
And wait you did. Two more weeks had passed. It occured to you if you were having a normal pregnancy you'd be almost at a 20 week mark. Almost 5 months. You hadn't even noticed a bump last time you were with Zen. You wondered if you were still pregnant. Maybe it had… faded. How could you know? There were no signs for you here. Granted, you still hadn't had your period but when you asked the nurses they told you a common side effect of the medication you were taking was abnormal cycles. They didn't seem very much concerned you hadn't had any periods since the bleeding that one time. You figured at this point, all you could do was remain hopeful that nothing bad had happened.
Until something did happen. You woke up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain. It was like nothing you had ever experienced before. You felt as if someone had stabbed you right in your lower abdomen and at the same time punched the air out of your lungs. You managed to turn the bedside light on and saw you were still in your room in the ward when another wave of pain hit you like a ton of bricks. You pulled the covers away from you but saw nothing - there was no bleeding anywhere, no wound. What was happening? Why did it feel like someone was twisting a knife in your insides? When another wave of pain hit you, you thought you would pass out. You thought about calling out to the nurse but you barely managed to gasp enough air to breathe when you just wanted to roll over from the pain. This is it. This is how I'm going to die. You thought. When the pain hit you again, everything slowly faded to black.
But the pain woke you up again, and this time, when you bent over in agony you noticed something- a bump. A very noticeable bump on your abdomen and a wetness between your legs. The pain subsided again for a few seconds and when you looked around you noticed you weren't in the hospital ward anymore. You were in Zen's room. You turned around and found Zen asleep next to you. You had a second to smile from seeing him before another intense wave of pain hit you and you couldn't help but grab Zen's arm and shake him awake.
"Huh, what?" Zen startled awake when you shook his arm. "MC?" he said, waking up much quicker. Yet the agony in your face was clearly evident. "MC, what's wrong?" he said, jumping out of the bed to turn the light on and stand beside you.
"I don't know. I don't know. Something is wrong." You managed to say. You looked at the bed and noticed it was wet - yet it wasn't bloody. It was the first time you were able to look down and see that you were clearly pregnant. "I think I am in labor? I… I… aaah" you weren't able to finish the sentence when the pain hit you again. Contractions. It had to be contractions. Why were you in labor so early? You were clearly pregnant but not that far along. Your math put you right around 5 month. This wasn't right. Zen looked around and helped you sit up on the bed. The pain had passed and you were trying to catch your breath, but in reality, you wanted to cry. Why was this happening now? It was too soon.
"We're going to the hospital right now." Zen said and you nodded. He turned around, grabbed his wallet, his phone, and threw on a jacket on you. He helped you stand up and you did, surprised that you were able to do this. He threw a shirt on and helped you walk towards a car that was parked in the garage of his building. Where had the car come from, you didn't know and you didn't think to ask. The contractions were coming regularly and from the little you knew about being in labor they were happening very close together. You only had a minute or two before another one would come.
Zen got you to the hospital in less than 10 minutes. You noticed he hadn't even bothered to put shoes on or gotten out of the pajama pants he was wearing. Luckily, the emergency room had a wheelchair by the entrance which he was able to grab and take you into the hospital in. Despite the pain, you couldn't help but be mesmerized by your swollen abdomen. You had wondered time and time again if you were pregnant and the small bump said more to answer your doubts than anything else had. And the pain… well, the pain made you wish this hadn't happened at all.
The nurses took you in quickly and put you in a room, preparing you for a pelvic exam. They asked you questions like how far along were you, if your water had broken, and how often your contractions were. You answered everything as best as you could and the sad looks on the nurses faces seemed straight out of a horror movie. It was too early. You had never heard of a baby being born at barely 5 months and surviving. When they did the pelvic exam, the nurse made it official.
"This baby is coming out now whether you want it or not. You're basically fully dilated" she said, as the other nurse walked out of the room. She put her hand on your knee with a sad look on her face. "I'm so sorry."