I really want to say a few things before I put this chapter up. I did a lot of research on premature babies, premature births, and read everything, scrutinized real lives stories for details, watched videos, interviews and the like. I tried my best to make this chapter as realistic as possible because after reading all these... overwhelmingly sad and equally magnificent stories, I felt I couldn't gloss over the reality of what is like to have a very premature baby. I, myself, have never been pregnant, so I cannot imagine what is like to go through what MC and Zen are about to go through. I have mentioned I work in the medical field but this is not my area of expertise, not even close.
If any of my readers have gone through something similar to this, I applaud your brave soul. This was by far, the hardest chapter I've ever written and I hope I did it justice. I tried to do it with the utmost respect for both the people who have gone through something like this and the staff that takes care of these very tiny little babies.

In the end, please remember this is still a work of fantasy and fiction.

And as always, please let me know if I have any grammar errors or weird sentences. I had to take a lot of breaks writing this chapter and it might have affected some continuity.

Time seemed to have stopped for you, despite being painfully aware that your surroundings continued on. The light was so bright it was giving you a headache. The temperature of the room seemed to have chilled you to your bones. The sounds and noises of other people talking, machines beeping, and people running around overcrowded your senses. The nurse said something about getting a doctor and left you and Zen alone in the little room of the emergency department. Yet your eyes were fixated on the place where the nurse had stood at the end of the bed, issuing those words. The baby is coming out now. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry…

"I'm so sorry" you echoed, your words a whisper. But you weren't just repeating the nurses words. You were apologizing. Apologizing to Zen and apologizing to your baby. You'd failed them both. You should have fought those meds harder. You should have escaped that psych ward. You should have done so many other things to keep this from happening… You felt Zen's hand squeeze yours but your fingers felt numb - the blood had drained out of them as soon as you saw the nurse's face and began a vice grip on Zen's hand. And yet, you couldn't face him. He stood next to you, and you just couldn't muster the strength to look at him suffer, it would be your undoing.

You felt something wet sliding down your cheeks and landing on your chest.

Tears.

Then you felt something wet on your hand… and instinctively knew Zen was crying too. Before either one of you had a chance to say anything, another contraction snapped you right out of your thoughts and forced you to bend over in pain. Almost in queue, a whole team of nurses and a doctor walked into the room with all sorts of equipment. The doctor checked you again and agreed with the first nurse's assessment. He ordered a steroid injection and had you sent immediately to the maternity ward. The nurses tried to explain they normally tried to delay the labor but you were so dilated it they couldn't do that anymore. They also explained that since your water had broken, the chance of infection was higher and that would put both your life and the baby's life at risk. They quickly wheeled you to an OR and kept Zen outside to have him wash his hands and put on some sort of cover up. Your tearful eyes stared at him through the window - you dared not look at the commotion around you. A nurse came over with a clipboard and you saw him hesitate before signing some paperwork and come into the room. You felt something cold on your abdomen, a gel, and a doctor put an ultrasound probe on your belly to check the baby. The rest of the hospital staff continued to roll in equipment - you noticed a bassinet encased in clear plastic with circular holes on the sides, among other things you couldn't recognize. Then, one of the nurses came over with a clipboard and placed it in front of you.

"I know it's tough to think about this now, but we need you to make a decision on what you'd like to do. You're not sure exactly how many weeks along are you, correct? Somewhere between 21-23 weeks you said?" the nurse asked. You nodded. "The chance of your baby surviving is less than 10%. It is very likely that if your baby survives, it will face severe disabilities throughout its life. You have to sign this if you want us to do everything within our power to keep your baby alive or if you'd rather we just give it comfort measures..." you were trying to do your best to pay attention to the nurse when another contraction hit you and a sudden urge to push your little baby crawled through you. But you avoided it with all your might. You weren't ready. Your baby wasn't ready. She wasn't supposed to be facing the world yet. You'd barely seen your pregnant belly for the first time. It dawned upon you that you'd never even felt her kick. But everyone in the room seemed to be getting ready to deliver the baby and you knew, deep down, she was coming. The nurse called out to you again and asked. "Do you want us to try to keep your baby alive? You need to sign"

You were taken aback. "Why would I not want you to try and keep my baby alive?"

"It's very traumatic and very painful for the baby. Every breath will be painful. She'll have to be intubated right away and with how little she is she may go through all that trauma and still not make it. Some parents prefer to let their baby rest in their arms instead"

Comfort measures. That's what she was saying before. Comfort measures for your baby as they'd let her fade away in your arms. At that moment, the doctor with the ultrasound found your baby's heartbeat. The last ultrasound of her you had seen she barely had the shape of a baby. Now you could see her head and her little limbs. As the doctor moved the probe, you felt her kick for the first time in the opposite side of the ultrasound probe. You took Zen's hand and put it on your abdomen, she was still kicking. You looked at him as he felt your baby kick and you knew the answer to the nurse's question.

You signed the paperwork to keep her alive.

Not a second later, another painful contraction pushed you to sit up on the table. Your back was killing you. Zen quickly went back to holding your hand and put free hand on your back. He rubbed circles on your lower back and it was the best you'd felt since you had arrived this time. It was like magic coming out of his fingertips. The nurses put your legs on stirrups at the end of the table and the doctor placed himself at the very end. Between the pain, the contractions, the urge to break down and cry, and everything that was going on, you were finding it hard to focus on your breathing. A kind nurse by your side tried to coach you, realizing you had not practiced for this. You weren't ready for anything.

"Are you ready to push?" the doctor asked. You nodded, albeit hesitantly. You didn't want to push. But when another contraction came, you gave in to the urge and you pushed. You'd heard stories, stories from coworkers and other women where they said it felt like trying to push a bowling ball out of your body. This was not like that at all. Two more pushes and your baby was out, that's how small she was. The doctor confirmed it was a girl and said she was trying to breathe on her own. You barely had a chance to look at her before they took her across the room and began working on her. She was so little and her skin looked translucent but she was moving her little arms and legs, full of life. The nurse that was beside you left your side and went to check on her. You saw Zen trying to look over the nurses shoulders but you had been holding onto his hand so strongly he could not approach them.

"Go, go see her" you begged him, letting go of his hand. He looked at you hesitantly, kissed your forehead, and went to see how she was doing. Another nurse had been working to clean you up. When you looked down, the amount of blood was more than what you expected. "Is… is that much blood normal?"

"No sweetie, it's not" the nurse said, with a pitiful look in her eyes. "But we've contained the bleeding, you'll be okay" she said. The nurse that had been coaching you on the breathing walked back to give you some information.

"Your baby was just over 2lb and 11 inches long" she said. "That's bigger than most babies at 21-23 weeks. She looks closer to what a 25 week old baby would look like. That helps her chances of survival" she said, putting her hand on your shoulder. "But it is still touch and go until she is able to breathe and feed on her own, which… for a little preemie like her, can take about to 2 months... Assuming there are no other major problems."

You nodded and saw the team of doctors and nurses take her to the NICU. Zen went after them. You felt very lightheaded and leaned back on the bed. The pain was mostly gone but you still felt incredibly sore and uncomfortable. The nurse that cleaned you helped you stretch out your legs but asked you to stay on the bed while she rolled you to a room.

Zen's heart tore in 2 when the doctors were taking the baby from the delivery room. MC had told him to go with their daughter but the thought of leaving her behind, alone, weighted heavy on him. However, when they began to walk away and roll his daughter away, his feet seemed to walk on their own after her. He'd caught nothing but glimpses of her through the top of the staffs shoulders. Zen followed them through hallways and double doors until they reached the NICU. They told him he was allowed to watch but to not attempt to touch the baby. He wouldn't dare, she looked so incredibly fragile. Zen was amazed at the skill of the doctors and the staff to care for such a little baby - she almost didn't look real. He saw them put needles in her tiny body, put a tube down her throat, and put the smallest diaper he'd ever seen on her ever so gently. One of the nurses took a little vial of her blood with her. It wasn't until they had finally wiped her clean that he noticed the one thing he was able to see of himself in her. A fuzz of white hair covering her little head. At that moment, a sparkle of hope grew in his heart, though he was scared again. Scared to love her and to lose her. Scared to dream again of her, healthy, smiling, and calling out to him. Despite all the dreams he ever had, none ever prepared him for this.

A few minutes later, his little daughter laid on an incubator in the NICU. The nurses walked over to him and told him there was a chance, that she might be able to make it, they advised him to stay strong. But the tiny movement of her chest seemed so fragile he was terrified. He stopped the doctor on his way out and asked him, to tell him truthfully, what the real chances were.

"10% at best. If she makes it through the day and tolerates food well, maybe up to 15-20%. The biggest concern is sepsis, infection or…" and the doctor continued on, mentioning a list of possible things that were very likely to end his daughter's life. Zen was quiet and felt like he was holding his heart in his hand. He had already cried when they first got to the hospital but had suppressed his tears since. One of the nurses came over and asked him if there was anyone he'd like them to call, any other relatives, friends, grandparents.

"No… I'll… I'll make the calls". Zen replied, walking out of the NICU and taking his phone out of his pocket. He stared at the screen for a minute and thought about going back to take a picture of his daughter but stopped. MC should be here when we take her first photo. He walked in the direction of the nurse's desk and asked them if there was a quiet place where he could make a couple of phone calls. They pointed a little waiting room right down the hall.

Zen dialed Ember's phone first. It rang a few times and went straight to voicemail. He looked at the time. 3:13 am. He dialed again. Voicemail. He decided he'd try one more time, hoping she'd awaken, and she finally answered.

"Zen?" she said, her voice groggy, likely from sleep. "Zen, it's 3 in the morning, is everything okay?"

"MC is here. She just had the baby" he said. His voice was shaky and his breathing was too fast.

"What? What do you mean she had the baby? She's not far along enough" Ember replied.

"I know. Something went wrong. We're still at the hospital" he said, and gave her the address "Everything went wrong, Ember. This wasn't supposed to happen." He couldn't hold back the urge to break down anymore, he had to gasp for air as the tears streamed down his face. "Please come. MC needs you."

"I'll put something on and I'll be on my way" Ember replied. "Is MC okay? Is the baby okay?"

"They're both alive" Zen said, gasping. But he didn't want to go into other detail about it. His voice kept an odd pitch that didn't sound like his regular voice. "Can you… can you bring her some clothes?" Zen asked, taking a deep breath after, trying to his best to calm down. "We just… we came to the hospital so quickly we didn't bring anything"

"Yeah, yeah I'll bring her something" she replied.

"Thank you, Ember" he said. "Thanks"

"Of course Zen. We'll be there soon".

Zen hung up the phone and sat alone on the chair, staring at his phone again. Relatives… MC had none here. He hadn't spoken to his parents in years… and yet, he found himself dialing his brother's number.

"Hello?" the voice said over the phone. recognized it straight away, it was his brother. He had answered immediately, to Zen's surprise.

"Sangmook " Zen said, trying his best to keep his arm still.

"Hyun?" Sangmook replied. "Hyun, are you alright? Why are you calling me so late?"

"I… I just had a daughter" Zen said, and it was almost as if saying it outloud made it true for the first time.

"You're kidding" his brother replied. There was a short silence and Zen almost expected him to berate him over it. He began to regret calling him. "Well, congratulations, Hyun. It's… its nice to know I have a niece"

"She… she came in early. Really early" Zen said, again trying to hold back his composure. "She might not make it through the night. I just thought you should know while she was still alive"

Again, another moment of silence.

"Hyun, which hospital are you in?"

Once you were in the room, the nurse handed you a breast pump.

"You need to give us breast milk for the baby. It will help immensely" she said. Your eyes widened in horror. The nurse probably assumed it was because you'd never seen a pump or because you were worried it would hurt. In reality, you were worried you would not be able to give enough before being sucked back to your own world. You tried to sit up but found yourself weakened. "Oh, honey, don't worry, you can give us some milk in a little bit. You should rest right now, you lost a lot of blood. We are going to give you some fluids but we might have to give you a blood transfusion as well if you're still weak in a few hours."

"How's my baby?" you asked her, while she set up the pump on your night stand.

"As well as could be expected, sweetie. I'm sorry this happened." she said, as she raised the top half of your bed to put you on a more upright position. She spent a few minutes trying to explain to you how to pump worked and told you to try it once you felt a bit more comfortable. She explained to you the huge importance of breastmilk for newborns and especially for premature babies. She suggested a nap but you immediately dismissed the idea. You couldn't leave - not yet. Once the nurse was on her way out, a doctor came in. He explained to you that your baby was on life support but so far she was doing okay. He said you were okay to take a shower once you felt you could get up from the bed on your own and when they finished stabilizing the baby they would let you go see her. The doctor also told you Zen was giving blood for the baby - they were the same type, B. That brought a weak smile to your lips. Zen was already doing what he could for his daughter. You had to do it as well.

As soon as the doctor left the room, you fought with everything you had to sit up, grab the breast pump, and turn it on. After 10 minutes, you had little less than a tablespoon of yellow liquid from both breasts and clearly nothing else was coming out. You wanted to cry, you felt like such a failure. You disconnected the pump and put everything back on the nightstand. Why did everything had to go so wrong? What did you do to deserve this… this strange, miserable life? You curled up on your side and the tears just ran down your cheeks. You had been feeling so alone for the last month stuck in the psych ward, especially after Saeran and Daria left. And now, you were here alone as well after giving birth to your daughter. You thought of calling Ember but you didn't have a phone and you didn't know the number to tell the nurses to call. You'd have to wait for Zen to come back. So you just stayed in bed, waiting, crying, trying to fight a battle against sleep and exhaustion that you knew you wouldn't be able to win for much longer. What was going to happen to your baby if you disappear? Would she die if you didn't give the doctors enough breast milk? You were so enraptured in your dreadful thoughts that you didn't notice someone come into the room. It wasn't until you felt his body lying on the bed beside you and his familiar citrus smell that you realize Zen had come back. He wrapped his arms around you and held you close.

There were so many things you wanted to say to him but you couldn't find the words and you couldn't stop crying. What could you tell the man you loved when you felt you had failed him? When you couldn't hold on to his baby enough to give it a proper chance at life? That you felt you didn't fight those meds enough, you didn't come back enough, you just let things happen and now… and now the worst had happened. It wasn't until you felt the heaving of his chest that you knew he was quietly sobbing with you.

You both stayed like that for what felt like too long, when in reality it wasn't more than a few minutes. A nurse came in to change change the fluids on your IV and saw what you were able to pump of breast milk.

"This is great." she said, looking at what little you had left in the container. "This will really help your little girl"

"I couldn't get anymore out" you said, sounding defeated and tearful

"Oh sweetie, that's quite alright." the nurse said "The first times you pump you won't get much out but don't worry, the baby can't even take half of this in one feeding. And this yellow stuff? Liquid gold. It has a ton of protein and vitamins to help your little baby. You can probably try again in about two hours, if we're lucky you'll get just as much or more. It'll really make a difference for your little girl." she added. "Make sure you call us if your IV runs dry. We want you to be as hydrated as possible to give you the best chance to produce milk"

"Okay…" you said, trying to wipe away the tears. Maybe you hadn't completely ruined that one.

"I'll bring you some clean clothes and a towel for when you feel like taking a shower." the nurse said. "If you have a hard time getting up, we can bring someone to help you-"

"I'll help her" Zen interjected. It was the first you had heard him say since he came back.

"That's fine too" the nurse said. "You can't take a bath but there's a chair in the shower to make it easier for you if you need it."

You nodded. "When can I see her?"

"She's in the NICU now. We can wheel you down there when you're ready. We would like you to shower first since the NICU is a sterile environment and we can never be too careful, but if you feel like you need to see her now, we can arrange that."

"I'll shower." you said, measly.

"It'll make you feel better" the nurse said. "I'll bring you an alarm clock too so you know to pump again in two hours." you nodded again and she left the room, taking what you had of breastmilk to give. You rolled to your back, still feeling sore, and Zen got out of the bed to help you sit up. Your head was spinning and if he hadn't kept his arm behind your back you probably would have fallen right back onto the bed.

"I'm sorry" you finally say again. "I'm just... really weak" you said.

"It's okay Princess, I'm here for you" he said, as he put your arm around his neck, scooping you up in his arms. He turned so you could grab the saline bag with you and headed to the bathroom. There was a chair in the shower, just as the nurse had said. You were thankful the shower head had a hose as well, it would make it easier. Zen put you down on the chair and knelt beside you to help you undress. It didn't even occur to you that it would be a mess once you took off the hospital gown, but it was. There was still some dry blood that had smeared between your thighs and some sort of white stuff that looked like dry glue. You grabbed the sponge but Zen took it from you.

"Let me, Princess" he said, gently running the warm water and lovingly cleaning every inch of your body. He rubbed your back, your legs, your arms, and your belly. He cleaned everything with such tenderness you could have fallen in love with him if you weren't already. He washed your hair and brushed it, lastly wrapping a towel around your head. He helped you dry off and put you on another clean, hospital gown, then carried you back to the bed.

"Thank you" you muttered, as he worked to get the towel off your head. He shook his head.

"You've nothing to thank me for. I… I'm sorry. I did this to you. To her" he said, looking at the floor. "I should have waited"

"Zen, you didn't do this to me" you say, taking his hand in yours. "We both got into this. We were impulsive but I… I only regret not being able to keep her inside me longer, preparing her for the world. Now we can only hope that she'll be strong enough to stay with us." With you.

"She's… she's so little" he said, taking your hand to his lips as he closed his eyes. "The nurse keeps telling me to be strong for her, that she's fighting to stay with us, that they're doing everything they can… but the doctor's voice keeps ringing in my ears. Less than 10% chance of survival." He looked devastated and you couldn't handle seeing him like this. You had to hope there was a chance for her. You needed him to hope with you.

"Zenny, look at us" you say, leaning over to touch his forehead to yours. You took your free hand and placed it over the hand that held yours. "I always thought there was no chance I could meet anyone like you, let alone actually find you. Everything about this has been nothing short of magical. She has to be too." You meant this with all your heart. You had to believe that things would work out.

"I love you, princess." he said, pulling you into his arms to embrace you.

"I love you too, Zenny" you told him as you let yourself absorb him love for you. There was nothing else that could make you feel better at that moment than his arms around you.

A few minutes later, the nurse returned with a wheelchair. Zen picked you up from the bed and put you on the chair,

"Are you ready to see her?" the nurse asked. You nodded. Zen pushed the chair in the direction the nurse pointed and soon enough you were going through a hallway full of double doors until you reached a small room full of sinks.

"You need to scrub your arms all the way to your elbows for 3 minutes with this soap" the nurse said, handing you a bottle of the liquid. You did as she asked and it almost felt like the skin around your hands would come off from all the scrubbing. They made you and Zen cover everything you were wearing as if you were about to walk into an operating room. Then she pushed the door open and let you into the NICU. There were 5 bassinets with plastic covers and tons of wires coming out of them. The nurse walked over to where your baby was and Zen pushed your wheelchair in that direction.

Zen helped you stand up from the wheelchair so you could look into the incubator. To say you felt shock when you saw your baby would have been an understatement. You felt as if someone had pulled the floor from under your feet and your heart had fallen to the abyss, leaving you standing there without a pulse. Zen had not exaggerated when he said she was so, very little. Her arms and legs were smaller than your fingers. Her eyes were fused shut. Her skin was so translucent she was completely red. An array of tubes came out of her mouth and at least two IVs were sticking out of her. She was wearing a diaper no bigger than the palm of your hand and she looked like she was swimming in it. Despite all of this, she had all her fingers, nails, and a wisp of what looked like very fuzzy white hair. And to you, she was nothing short of beautiful and you fell in love with her instantly.