After the initial shock of seeing your daughter, your legs felt shaky. Zen noticed immediately and helped you ease back onto the wheelchair. You leaned forward and placed your hand on the plastic cover, trying to reach her, hoping to give her your strength. Live. You willed her, wishing and hoping that she would make it.
"Could I touch her?" you asked the nurse, terrified of the outcome - you couldn't imagine not touching her before you eventually succumbed to sleep, losing your only chance of knowing what it was like to feel your daughter. Equally terrified of hurting her since she looked so very small and fragile.
The nurse pressed her lips together with an expression of regret but turned to look at the monitors hooked to the baby. "She is actually doing okay after that blood transfusion we gave her." the nurse said "It seems to have stabilized her pretty well for now, although the first few hours are usually when the baby is doing the best as well." she looked at the watch on her wrist. "I'll have to get physician approval but its not totally impossible you might be able to touch her tonight. Just don't get all your hopes up yet" she said, as she walked out of the room, leaving you and Zen hovering over the baby.
As you sat there leaning over, you noticed the labels on the edge of the box. Height, weight, parent's names, and name. 'Female baby' had been written under the baby's name.
"She needs a name" you said, realizing you hadn't had time to think about this yet. Well, you had thought about it, many times, while you got lost in your own thoughts in the mental health hospital… but you hadn't decided in a name. You hadn't decided. A part of you thought that once you saw her the name would come to you but while you stared at her little fragile body nothing came to mind.
"Miyoung" Zen said, putting his hand on your shoulder. "It means eternal and beautiful"
"Miyoung…" you repeated, over and over in your head. You looked at her and put the name on your lips, addressing her. "Miyoung… Mi...young…" You closed your eyes and imagined calling after her, healthy, older, running around with a smile on her face. Miyoung. Mia for short. You imagined Zen calling her, picking her up in his arms. You imagined Ember and Seven calling her Mimi. That was the name. Beautiful and eternal. That's what she would be, because she had to survive. "Miyoung" you said again. "I love it"
"It was a character in a short play I was in. I've loved the name since" Zen said. "I always thought if I had a daughter, that would be her name."
"It's perfect" you said. "We'll tell the nurse when she comes back." He squeezed your shoulder and gently smiled at you. It was only a few more minutes before the nurse came back with the physician and another nurse. They greeted the both of you and gave you a small update that more or less sounded like hopeful good news but without any guarantees. The doctor agreed with the nurse's assessment and said it seemed that it was as good time as any to let you touch her. They explained that you'd put your hand through the hole in the incubator and you could very gently caress the skin of her back or her head. They warned you you'd have to be extra gentle because too much stimulation could be harmful and that her skin was so delicate it would be very easy to cause her pain. You nodded in understanding.
Your hand slid through the hole of the incubator and you felt as if the lightest touch of your fingertips could hurt her. You hovered over her for what it felt like an eternity before letting your index finger touch the little wisp of white hair that stood out from her little head. After a few seconds you managed to find the courage to touch her skin. It was velvety and smooth, softer than anything you'd touched before. It broke your heart not knowing you wouldn't be able to hold her in your arms before you'd know if she was alright or not. There was a knot in your throat and a heaviness to your chest that seemed all the more present the longer your arm touched the edges of the incubator. Why couldn't you had keep her inside you longer? Where she was safe and protected and growing? Had it been the medications? Had it been the jumping through dimensions?
The nurse signaled you that it had been enough after a few minutes and you painfully took your arm out of the incubator. They told you you needed to rest, eat, and hydrate so you would produce more milk for your daughter and you were set on a plan to try and do this before you got kicked back to your reality.
"Oh, her name is Miyoung" you told the nurse, pointing at your daughter's tags on her incubator. "Miyoung Ryu" you said, looking at Zen. He gave you a gentle smile and kissed the top of your head.
"We'll put her name on her tags" the nurse said, kindly, before showing you to the exit door. Zen pushed you on the wheelchair and promptly enough you found yourself back in the room you had been earlier. There was a note, seemingly from a nurse, asking you to inform the nurses when you returned. Zen helped you back onto the bed and said he'd go let the nurses know they were back. You drank some more water and hoped you'd be able to use the breast pump soon again. When Zen returned, Ember and Seven came along with them. You did your best to sit up but Ember almost threw herself at you and dragged you into an embrace.
"MC, we came as soon as we heard. Are you alright?" Ember said, holding tightly onto you. "How is the baby?"
"She's fighting" you said, trying to sound positive and strong but your voice betrayed you as it cracked unevenly. "I'm… I'm still here" you whispered. Ember sat at the edge of the bed and held your hand in hers.
"I had gotten some things for her... I wanted to throw you a baby shower but… well" she said, grabbing the blanket she had brought with her and giving it to you. "This is for her"
"This is beautiful, thank you" you said, hold on to it. "We... we named her Miyoung" you began, and you tell her in a few more words what had happened. You noticed Ember seemed pale and perhaps she was even struggling to follow your story. You tried to ask her if she was alright but she cut you off immediately, asking you questions about Miyoung's prognosis and your recovery. Between your own worries and exhaustion you couldn't help but leave the subject and move on to tell her what the doctors had said. A few minutes later a nurse came by to check on you and offered you some medication to calm your nerves and help you sleep. You immediately declined and the nurse warned you that lack of sleep could affect your milk production. You promised her you'd sleep soon and while it felt like a lie deep down you knew you wouldn't be able to keep your eyes open much longer. It was as if your body was anchored to the bed and Morpheus himself was trying to drag you to your real dimension. The nurse also commented that if you held onto the blanket it would catch your scent and they'd put it in the incubator so Miyoung could sense her mom. That statement alone almost brought you to tears but you wrapped the blanket around your neck, knowing you'd only have a few hours at most before you succumbed to exhaustion.
"I need to… I need to do something" you say to Ember, after you saw Zen step out of the room with Seven. "I need to figure out a way to make sure I stay here. I can't leave, Ember. I can't leave Miyoung and Zen. What if… what if she… doesn't make it and I am not here? I can't… I can't do that to her, I can't do that to Zen, I would never forgive myself"
"Zen will be here. Miyoung will have her dad with her, and her auntie Ember who loves her." Ember said, lying in the bed next to you. "And Zen knows you'd give anything to be here with them. He wouldn't fault you for not being able to stay in this dimension. He loves you so much MC" Ember said, squeezing your hand.
"Thank you" you said, your voice cracking again. You nodded in understanding, choking back tears. You knew she was right but it didn't make the situation any better. If you had dreamt of being here before, if you had wanted to just be with Zen, if you had struggled to leave… it all paled in comparison with the urgency and the pressing need to stay with Miyoung by Zen's side.
Zen came back a few moments later accompanied by another nurse who suggested you tried the breast pump again. She also offered to take Seven and Ember to see Miyoung and you insisted they should go as it might be their only chance to ever meet her. Zen accompanied them after giving you a gentle kiss on the forehead and promised he'd return in a few minutes. You let him go, appreciating the moment of privacy to use that dreaded breast pump.
After you had connected the pump you laid back on the bed and did your best to relax, trying to let the pump take every drop of milk you could give your daughter. It worked well in the fact that more milk came out… but despite your best efforts, you couldn't fight the energy depletion and your eyes finally closed.
Hospital policy didn't let Ember or Seven go very far into the NICU - parents only. They did let them see Miyoung from the window and the nurse was kind enough to bring the incubator closer to the window.
"I'd never seen a baby so small…" Zen said, touching the glass. He hardly took his eyes off his daughter the whole time he stood there. "Beautiful and eternal, Miyoung" he said, mostly to himself. It almost seemed he didn't want to face Luciel or Ember, but it was hard to tell if he just didn't want to see any hopelessness in their face or he was trying to hide his own from them. After exchanging a few words, Zen admitted he wanted to go back to MC's room since he had spent so much time away from her now. He walked ahead of Seven and Ember, leaving them behind to see Miyoung on their own but he figured they'd catch up to him soon enough.
Once he got back to the room, he noticed MC lying on the bed, her eyes closed, her hair disheveled, the breast pump turned on and the small blanket Ember had brought covering her chest. He walked quietly and saw that the pump was no longer getting any milk out. He turned it off and gently removed it from her breasts. She moved a little, but it was clear she was exhausted. Zen put the pump away and fixed up her gown, crawling into the bed and putting his arms around her. Instinctively, MC curled into his chest and hid her face on the curvature of his neck. Zen wanted nothing more than to shake her awake but he knew she had to be utterly spent. The energy drain had not only been physical, it was emotional as well. Before he knew it, he had closed his eyes with his arms around the woman he loved.
Zen awoke to a nurse gently shaking his shoulder. "Hi, I'm sorry to wake you Mr. Hyun, there is someone here to see you." He was disoriented and when he searched the bed he found nothing but the blanket Ember had brought with her.
"Who is it?" he asked, holding onto the blanket. "How long has it been? How's the baby?"
"The baby is still stable" the nurse said. "It's been about an hour. There is a man here saying he is your brother. Normally we just let people in but after 3:00 am we ask. Where is your girlfriend?"
Zen almost launched off the bed when the nurse said his brother was there. He hadn't seen his brother in years and with everything that had happened, he had almost forgotten the call he placed earlier that night.
"May I tell him to come into the room?" the nurse asked.
"Oh. Yeah, yeah, he can come in" Zen answered, getting out of the bed and trying to straighten out his clothes. How can I explain to him where MC is? The nurse went outside to get Sangmook but did not care to return after. A tall, dark haired man walked in. He wore a nice shirt and a nice pair of trousers but his disheveled hair gave away that he had been sleeping less than an hour ago. He looked tired but his eyes were wide open.
"Hyun" he said, standing by the end of the bed as he stared at him from head to toe.
"Sangmook" Zen said, instinctively doing the same thing. They had not seen each other in years but things hadn't changed much with his brother. Short brown hair, fair skin, imposing look.
"How's… how's the baby?" he asked, his eyes now darting towards the floor.
"She's… she's fighting. We're still hopeful she might make it." Zen answered. "We named her Miyoung"
"Eternal and beautiful… lovely name" Sangmook said. "Mom would be proud" The tension between them was evident and an awkward silence began to grow between them. It was Sangmook who finally spoke. "Hyun I'm… I'm sorry" Sangmook said, walking over to his younger brother and embracing him. Zen hadn't known what to expect but a heartfelt apology had been the farthest thing from his mind. He'd wanted to make peace with his brother for a long time but had started to think it might just not happen. Any troubles Zen had faced in the past paled in the light of tonight's events "I shouldn't have turned my back on you. I've always regretted it and was too ashamed to make things right". Sangmook said. "I'm glad you called me tonight. I want to meet your daughter and your... wife?"
"Fiance" Zen corrected. "I'm glad you came. I… I have never needed your support more than I've needed it today." He grabbed Ember's blanket and headed towards the door, signaling his brother to tag along. "Come, I'll introduce you to my daughter".
You woke up disoriented and feeling like the room was spinning. It took a few moments for you to realize that you were back in the room of the psych ward. Despair set in so quickly you almost couldn't breathe and your chest felt heavy. You couldn't be here, you had to go back and you had to go back now. What if something happened to Miyoung and you were stuck in this dimension? What if she needed more breast milk? She needed you and Zen needed you. You hadn't even been able to carry your daughter in your arms and you had already left her. You needed to figure out a way to return and time was of the essence.
You got up from the bed and saw the time - 5:40 am. No one had noticed your most recent visit to Zen's world, which was likely a good thing. If you were going to try and figure out a way to go back, you had to get out of hospital. You looked through your things and changed out of your pajamas, grabbed whatever you thought might be more useful - your ID, your wallet. You opened the door to your room and stepped into the hallway - it was empty. You walked over to the first nurse's station and found it empty as well. There's always someone here. Where are they? Sleeping? Bathroom? You leaned over the counter and saw the computer was unlocked. Either the stars had aligned to give you a chance or this might just make everything worse. The thought of Zen and your daughter alone back there give you a boldness you normally didn't have and you turned the screen around and typed Saeran's name on the computer. His profile showed up and you quickly wrote down the phone number on file. You looked up Daria and saw the phone number of file was the same. Perfect. You got out of there as quickly as you could, walking towards the main exit.
There was a guard sitting on the chair by the exit but he was asleep. The door was likely locked and if you tried to force it open you'd probably wake him. You turned around and headed for the exit that led to the gardens. Saeran had told you before that the fence didn't seem terribly difficult to climb and it might just be your best bet. Once you got to the door, you saw that it was locked. Of course. Why would they leave the door to the garden unlocked at night. But easily enough, there was a bolt at the top of the door and once you opened that, the door opened right away. It was almost too easy. You're not escaping from a prison, this is a low category psych ward. People don't try to run away from here, they come in voluntarily. You just can't leave voluntarily. Well, I'm leaving now.
As soon as the door opened, a beeping started from the wall on the left- a keypad. Must be some sort of security mechanism where you can open the door but you gotta put in a code or the alarm would go off. Hurry. You'll only have this chance once. You ran. You ran towards that fence as fast as your legs would take you. I can't get caught. I can't. I need to go back.
The air was humid and cold outside. The sun hadn't come out yet and the plants still basked in their morning dew. You were still running. Don't look back. You can't look back now. You reached the fence and saw you'd have to pull yourself up. You looked around for something you might be able to hop onto but found nothing. Its too tall. I can't climb this. You ran along the edge of the fence, trying to find at least a defect on it that you might be able to exploit as a step - nothing. You saw the lights turn on from the inside of the ward. Fuck. Then you saw it - your best chance, a tree, close enough to the fence that you might be able to climb and jump to the other side of it. This is it. You hadn't climbed a tree since you were a child but this was the chance. You couldn't turn back now. If you get caught trying to leave like this, they'd just transfer you to a more secure facility and then you'd never be able to leave like this. This was how it was going to be. You were climbing a tree to get out of the psych ward.
It wasn't too hard to climb the tree, but your hands scrapped the wood a few times, probably giving you some splinters. You didn't care. You had to get out. The tree was tall enough that it put you just over the top of the fence. You stopped for a second before jumping, knowing you were probably going to hurt yourself landing on the sidewalk on the other side of the fence - it was a decent drop. Go. Go. Jump. They're waiting for you.
You jumped.
It could have been worse. You rolled your ankle and scraped your arm but you could still walk. After trying to adjust, you heard an alarm go off in the building. Shit, shit shit. You had to go. Run. You moved. You had to put as much distance between the psych ward and yourself or they'd catch you. If they contacted the authorities, they'd be more likely to catch you if you were near the ward. Run. Move. You needed to get to a phone, Saeran would help you. You had no money or anything on you. You had to find someone who would let you use their phone to call Saeran and hope your lucky stars he'd answer at 6 am, before someone would find you. Your ankle was really hurting but you were too scared to stop running.
Eventually, you found a convenience store that was open only a few blocks away from the psych ward. You hadn't really felt anyone was chasing you, but you couldn't assume. A young girl was sitting behind the counter reading a magazine. You begged her to let you use the phone and she said store policy wouldn't allow her to do so, but you must have looked desperate enough she let you use her own cell phone. You thanked her profusely and took the number you'd gotten from the computer at the ward - your hands were shaking and you were worried she would notice and call the police. You took a deep breath and just dialed the number.
"She is so small…" Sangrook said as he stood behind the glass and saw his niece for the first time.
"She is fighting" Zen said, staring at his daughter, now covered with the blanket Ember had brought for her.
"Less than 10%?" Sangrook asked Zen and he nodded, slowly.
"Maybe a little higher if she makes it through the night"
"Let's hope she does…" Sangrook said, putting his hand on Zen's shoulder. They stood there in silence for at least ten minutes, just watching Miyoung's shallow breaths. She was so small and fragile and the nurses continued to come in and out of the room to test her. She'd already had multiple IV lines placed, a feeding tube, she was intubated to help her breathe and she was hooked to at least 3 different monitors as far as Zen could see. A nurse had told him earlier that he or his wife would not be able to pick her up for at least 20 days or so, unless they knew she wouldn't make it and they took her off the life support machines. 20 days without being able to carry his daughter. Please don't leave us. He had whispered to her when they had allowed him to touch her. We love you more than anything.
"We're going to go take her for some x-rays" another nurse said. Zen nodded and saw them roll the incubator out of the NICU. Once she was away, Zen couldn't help but sit on the floor outside the window. He rested his elbows atop his knees and hid his hands in his face. Please don't be sick. Please. He prayed to whoever would listen, he begged. It seemed like an eternity before the nurse came back with Miyoung. Zen asked about the x-rays but she just said they had to be read by a radiologist so she didn't know the results yet. She promised they'd let him know as soon as they knew. Her nodded and let the nurse go.
"Sangrook, I think I need to try and get some sleep." Zen said. "I'm on edge and I'm emotional and… " and I don't want to think that MC is not here and he'll ask about her again. "I'll call you tomorrow or if anything changes."
Sangrook understood he was being dismissed and decided to respect Zen's decision. He helped him up and gave him another hug. "Keep me informed, Zen." he said, before heading out. "Despite the circumstances, I am glad I was able to see you" Zen thanked him again for coming - it had been a small respite during these difficult times. Zen walked with him and split ways before heading towards the room that had been assigned to MC. He lied on the bed and eventually he managed to succumb to sleep.
"Mr. Ryu" a gentle voice said as he was awoken by a hand on his shoulder. He turned to find one of the NICU doctor's next to the bed. "Mr. Ryu where is Miyoung's mother?"
"She's… I, I don't know. The cafeteria, maybe?" he tried to stall - he knew MC had disappeared to her dimension but they wouldn't understand. They'd think she abandoned their daughter.
"Mr. Ryu, try and find her. Things have taken a turn for the worse. It seems the last x-ray shows the beginning of pneumonia on Miyoung. I'm very sorry. We've started her on antibiotics but unfortunately it is most likely that she will become septic and not make it through the night. This is the most common cause of death for premature babies like her and it is what we were hoping wouldn't happen. If you want to come see her, the nurses at the NICU will let you in. Do you have any questions for me?" the doctor asked, but Zen just waved his head no. No. No questions. He didn't want to know that this was even happening. They'd warned him this might happen and now it had. If she had a 10% chance of survival it had gone out the door the moment she would get an infection. The doctor left the room and Zen stayed there, alone. His hand curled into a fist - MC would want to be here. If only she… fuck. Anger rose through him in a way he hadn't felt since he was a teenager. He threw the pillow across the room and dug his fists onto the mattress. Why was everything so fucked? What did he do to deserve this agony? Why was he being punished like this? Miyoung deserved a life, a happy life. So did MC. Why had everything turned out like this? He got up and paced the room - the more he thought about the situation the angrier he got. He'd closed his fists to tightly together he couldn't feel his fingers anymore.
He took a deep breath. If at least he had MC with him, it would be an easier weight to bear. No one here could understand what it was like to be so close to your daughter and be unable to do anything to keep her alive. It was no use, The most he could do was go back to the NICU and at least not let her be alone. He grabbed his phone and saw he had a new message from an old friend - someone he had contacted before.
He hesitated to open the text, but only for a second. 'Hyun, I've got those herb things you asked for. I can bring them to you now.' The elixir. His friend got the things he needed to make the elixir.
'I'm at the hospital. Bring them over.' he replied, and walked over to the NICU.