His head was pounding fiercely as he opened his eyes. The light of the room sneaked through the crevice of his eyelids to make him regret trying to open them in the first place. He moved his hand to his face and slowly tried to open his eyes again. Where was he? What happened?
"Hey, hey, are you feeling alright?" a voice said, as he felt someone shuffling towards him. He opened his eyes and saw a nurse standing by the bed.
"You passed out in the NICU and we moved you to a room" the nurse said. "You were sweating and your blood pressure was very high but we gave you some fluids and you seem to be doing better. You probably hadn't had anything to drink or any sleep for the last day or so. It seems you overdid it." Everything came back to him as if his memories were trying to flood his reasoning. The elixir, Miyoung, MC. The dream. She crossed over. Had it just been a dream? Had something finally changed?
"How is Miyoung?" Zen asked the nurse as he sat up on the bed.
"Let me get the doctor" she said, and walked out of the room before he had a chance to react. He felt a void in the pit of his stomach. They nurses had always answer him when he asked about her. He got out of the bed and it took him a second to find his footing. He walked to the bathroom and splattered some cold water on his face. He held onto the sink with all his gripping strength as leaning over the sink had made him lose his balance for a second.
When he looked up, he saw himself in the mirror. His hair was disheveled, he had bags under his eyes, and he looked so pale he wondered if he was just the ghost of his former self. He didn't care. Only two things mattered to him anymore and he didn't know if he still had any of them. He walked out the restroom and found his balance was better. He walked out of the room and didn't see the nurse nearby so he did what he had been doing this whole time and just walked himself over to the NICU.
Every step made him feel like he was walking closer to heartbreak.
Heartbreak he might have to deal with alone.
The falling void in the pit of his stomach seemed to get worse the closer he got to the NICU. He noticed his steps were slowing down when he saw the sign at the end of the hallway. Was he too scared to find out what was going on?
Despite slowing down, he couldn't stop. He had to know and face whatever was behind the door. Whatever destiny had prepared for him, no matter how painful. He stood at the doorway, hesitating, if only for a second, before opening the door.
She was so little and so fragile. The nurse had slowly and meticulously taken all the IVs and tubes off of Miyoung and gently wrapped her in the blanket Ember had given you. It felt like you could finally see her clearly for the first time. When the nurse put her in your arms, it took all the strength you had to use only the lightest touch. The doctor said it would happen fast because she was so small and you could hold her until then. It could take a few hours, most likely less.
Just like a whisper in the wind, you saw her chest barely moving. Her little arms curled up against her own body, her eyes closed shut. You could see every vein on her chest as it lightly moved up and down with every breath. Her entire hand was the size of the tip of your finger. The world seemed to have stopped around you - there was no sound or movement that could bother your senses into missing a second of Miyoung in your arms because this would be the only seconds you would have with her. A brain bleed, the doctor said. There was nothing else they could do for her, except take her off life support and let her spend her last few moments in your arms.
There were some tears coming from your eyes but you had managed to quiet down your sobbing. You would cry when she wasn't in your arms anymore. You would cry when you couldn't see her. You would cry after, but not while she was still breathing in your arms. You kissed her forehead, ever so gently. You whispered your love, your affection, your reassurances. Every word hurt more than the previous one but the words were for her and for her only.
You didn't notice when Zen walked into the room, only when he sat by your side and placed his arm around you. Had the doctor's told him what happened to her? Did he know you were just waiting for her to slowly fade away in your arms? You felt him rest his forehead on your shoulder and not long after something wet trickled down your arm. He was crying, again. If it was possible for you to feel more heartbreak, you would have felt it then. Zen stretched out his arm and gently touched her head, the thin wisps of her pale hair following Zen's fingertips.
Those few hours were both the longest and shortest hours of your life. It felt like time itself had stopped and every second hurt more than the next one but when you looked back to those moments they felt so excruciatingly short. You wanted more time. More seconds, more moments. More of her breaths, her heart beats, her hands moving, her legs stretching. Everything she did would be forever ingrained in your memory with every painstaking detail.
You saw her breathing gradually slow down and her movements became less noticeable. You told her it was okay to be tired. That it was okay to slow down. That it was okay to stop struggling. That you loved her and you would always remember her. You whispered sweet and loving words that she could take with her, wherever her soul would go.
Her last breath came and went just like her other breaths had, except no other breaths followed. When her chest didn't move anymore you just held her in the same spot, feeling as if your heart had stopped with hers. Eventually you couldn't push back your tears anymore and you sobbed, wanting to scream but any sound stuck in your throat. Zen held you tighter and gently rocked you back and forth, doing his best to soothe you, yet you knew he felt just as broken as you did.
Eventually the nurses came and took her. You cried in Zen's arms longer than you imagined you could have. Nothing you had ever gone through compared to what you were feeling at that moment. Eventually you fell into a haze and came in and out of consciousness. You mourned and sobbed any time you were awake and Zen was always there to hold you, often breaking down with you. Despite everything, at least you had a modicum of relief when you managed to get a couple of hours of sleep and still open your eyes to the same hospital bed, with Zen lying next to you. If you had returned to your reality to grieve alone, you didn't think you could make it. And the idea that you would have left Zen alone to deal with this was unthinkable. At the very least, it seemed you were finally here for good.
The next day, they let you leave the hospital. You were physically ok, but emotionally drained. The hospital asked if you wanted to arrange any funeral services for her or they could cremate her body. As painful as the choice was, you decided on cremation. It was a very intimate moment and since you still didn't feel ready to share your grief or even talk with anyone other than Zen, neither of you invited anyone to the service. The hospital took care of arranging everything and allowed you to pick a reading to say your goodbyes. Zen had something in mind, from a book he read when he was young.
"In one of the stars, I shall be living. In one of them, I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night." (The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery).
It seemed that everything was over faster than it should have and you left the hospital with a small bag of ashes. Your hands trembled when you held it but your grip was strong - you dared not drop it. You dared not let it go.
You hadn't been back to Zen's apartment since that night you woke up in pain. You had always been so happy to open your eyes here and find Zen but it somehow felt so utterly empty now. Everything was the same, but now it just… it felt empty, lacking. But you knew it was you who really felt empty. Now what?
Zen walked past you and headed straight for his bedroom, where you heard him rummaging through things. Things. You made your way to his room and saw him packing things into bags. Things. Baby things. There weren't very many, just a few clothing items and some small toys but it hurt to see the tiny socks and shoes your daughter would never be able to use. You couldn't help it, you started to cry again. You were still holding on to the blanket Ember had given you and you pressed it to your chest, hugging the memory of Miyoung. You hadn't called Ember or anyone to share the news. Zen had been on the phone a few times and you assumed that included talking to Ember and Saeyoung, and the rest of the RFA, but you just couldn't mutter the words. You pressed the blanket to your chest, looking for some sort of respite, however, it had another unintended consequence - your breast milk leaked. Your breasts were sore and swollen, you hadn't pumped the milk out and now it was leaking all over your clothes.
You rushed to the bathroom before Zen could see what had happened to and you stripped off your clothes, jumping into the shower. Once the scalding hot water had soaked your body, you forcefully squeezed the milk out of your breasts. At least, with the water running, you could barely see the milk landing on the floor and going down the drainage. The milk that was supposed to help her, but it hadn't been enough.
Nothing had been enough.
You died to be here and it hadn't been enough. Not enough time, not enough milk, or blood, or something. Nothing. What else could you do? What else could you have done? Had you not fought hard enough? Had you not given up enough? Was this the price you had to pay to stay here? You didn't want it, not like this. Not like this. But there was nothing you could anymore, and she was gone just as quickly as she had arrived. You crumbled on the floor of the shower, letting the water rinse your body. The water was scalding hot, but it felt good. It helped to keep you from thinking about anything else, so you sat there in the shower, trying to think only of the water landing on your back. You don't know how long you were in there before Zen turned the water off, stepped into the shower, and picked you up from the floor. He wrapped you in a towel and put you on his bed, cradling you in his arms. You both laid there for hours, no words spoken. There was no need. You both knew exactly how the other felt and all you could do was comfort each other.
Since then, every time your breasts leaked, you hid in the shower to spare Zen the reminder. At least, Zen wouldn't have to see this, you could do that much for him. You knew he had given the news to Ember, Saeyoung, and the rest of the RFA but you just didn't have the strength to talk to anyone other than Zen yet. You needed time to heal and move on before you could rejoin society.
Over the next few days, everything seemed so much harder to bear, so much harder to do. It took an exhausting amount of energy to shower, eat, or even get out bed. But on the days when it all seemed too much to bear, Zen was there for you, and on the days that Zen struggled. you were his respite. Eventually, going through the motions of day to day life began to have some normalcy. You began to appreciate the habitualness life you had with Zen, knowing no one could understand everything you both had been through to get here. You began to make home cooked meals and he took you for runs at night. You both did the chores around the house and you helped him with his scripts. The grey cloud of grief that loomed over both of you pushed you to try and be the best you could be for each other. He became your anchor to reality and you knew you were the same thing for him.
Time passed and the pain slowly dwindled. The rawness of your grief dissipated but you knew the scars would be there forever. You thought your world had ended, but you found it hadn't. The sun rose every morning and the clock still stroke midnight and noon. The stars still sparkled every night you went to Zen's rooftop. One day, your smile returned to your lips and Zen smiled too when he saw you. Being here with him was still as magical as the first time he had smiled at you at that gas station. The pain and suffering you had endured together had pushed you closer, and the love you had for him only grew exponentially. His smile, his voice, his soul was everything you needed to be able to keep trekking on. It took a long time before you realized you didn't think about her every day. That life would continue and you would continue with it. That there were still people that you loved and loved you and that happiness could still be found. In fact, happiness was at your fingertips, if you only embraced it. And after everything you went through, you deserved to bring some happiness back into your life and back into Zen's life. It would take time, but there could still be a light at the end of the tunnel for you both.
One day, Zen returned home with a small box. A jewelry box, containing a pair of very special wedding bands. They were a rose gold that matched the engagement ring he had given you months before, with a tiny diamond on each band. You knew why the rings were so special - he'd had Miyoung's ashes turned into diamonds and fitted into the bands. It was the best way to keep her as something beautiful, meaningful, and everlasting - much like the meaning of her name. She represented your union to Zen in more ways that one. You might not have risked everything in your life to stay here if she didn't exist. You might not have fought your stay in the psych ward and you'd still be there. You might not have tried the elixir at all if you hadn't been desperate enough to be here. It wasn't that you didn't love Zen enough to do it - but he'd made you promise you wouldn't try such a reckless thing for him and you loved him enough to respect his wishes… but you knew, in your heart, you had to do everything you could to save your daughter, and that took precedence over any promises you had made him. And you knew he would understand that choice. In the end, it was her, who finally brought you into his arms and you vowed you would never waste a second of your time with him.
About a year later, you and Zen had a beautiful wedding ceremony. The RFA members were all in attendance, as well as Zen's family, who had slowly returned to Zen's life after they made amends. You could see that Hyun had embraced the idea of keeping his family close. He had missed his brother after being separated for so many years. Now that he was a moderately successful musical actor, his mother apologized for not believing that he could achieve that kind of success. It was a heartfelt apology and you could see that despite the errors in her ways, Zen's mother had done what she thought was best for him. Zen knew this and after many reparations, he let her back into his life.
Zen's success continued to grow and you supported him every step of the way. He began to make movies and his fans continued to grow exponentially. He never really quit the musical theater though, he had grown to love it too much. You had no complaints, as there was nothing that could make you smile more than seeing him perform live. The RFA changed its name to C&RFA, as Jumin took over as head of the association and gave it his company's name. Zen became their main spokesperson, though Jaehee often had to take over if Zen was filming or rehearsing. Jaehee finally came around to like you, despite her initial overprotectiveness over Hyun.
It wasn't until another year had passed that you and Hyun discussed having children again. It brought back up a lot of feelings and nostalgia but the timing was right and you both still wanted a family. It didn't take very long for you to get pregnant once you stopped using protection. Zen hovered over you like a wolf protecting his cubs the entire time and never once let you out of his sight. As overwhelming as it was, you knew you had to allow him this reaction. This time, the pregnancy went smoothly and even giving birth was nowhere near as painful as the first time had been.
You had a daughter, and she was perfect. She was healthy, strong, and looked just like Zen, with scarlett eyes, fair skin, and wisps of white hair out of the top of her head. You named her Yumi and she instantly became the light in your eyes. Zen had fallen in love all over again and nothing could ever take the smile in his eyes when he saw you and his daughter, That's when you knew that every tear you cried, every moment of loneliness you endured, every shattered hope, every headache, every doctor, every lie, everything you went through, had been worth it just to see him smile like that… Because you knew you were finally smiling with him.
Chapter 26B: I'll Always Be Right Here (Alternate ending)His head was pounding fiercely as he opened his eyes. The light of the room sneaked through the crevice of his eyelids to make him regret trying to open them in the first place. He moved his hand to his face and slowly tried to open his eyes again. Where was he? What happened?
"Hey, hey, are you feeling alright?" a voice said, as he felt someone shuffling towards him. He opened his eyes and saw a nurse standing by the bed.
"You passed out in the NICU and we moved you to a room" the nurse said. "You were sweating and your blood pressure was very high but we gave you some fluids and you seem to be doing better. You probably hadn't had anything to drink or any sleep for the last day or so. It seems you overdid it." Everything came back to him as if his memories were trying to flood his reasoning. The elixir, Miyoung, MC. The dream. She crossed over. Had it just been a dream? Had something finally changed?
"How is Miyoung?" Zen asked the nurse as he sat up on the bed.
"Let me get the doctor" she said, and walked out of the room before he had a chance to react. He felt a void in the pit of his stomach. They nurses had always answer him when he asked about her. He got out of the bed and it took him a second to find his footing. He walked to the bathroom and splattered some cold water on his face. He held onto the sink with all his gripping strength as leaning over the sink had made him lose his balance for a second.
When he looked up, he saw himself in the mirror. His hair was disheveled, he had bags under his eyes, and he looked so pale he wondered if he was just the ghost of his former self. He didn't care. Only two things mattered to him anymore and he didn't know if he still had any of them. He walked out the restroom and found his balance was better. He walked out of the room and didn't see the nurse nearby so he did what he had been doing this whole time and just walked himself over to the NICU.
Every step made him feel like he was walking closer to heartbreak.
Heartbreak he might have to deal with alone.
The falling void in the pit of his stomach seemed to get worse the closer he got to the NICU. He noticed his steps were slowing down when he saw the sign at the end of the hallway. Was he too scared to find out what was going on?
Despite slowing down, he couldn't stop. He had to know and face whatever was behind the door. Whatever destiny had prepared for him, no matter how painful. He stood at the doorway, hesitating, if only for a second, before opening the door.
You had woken up in the hospital bed, in the same place where you had passed out before. A nurse was just walking into the room and she jumped when she saw you.
"I thought you weren't in here!" she said, bringing a hand to her chest. You felt weak and lightheaded, more so than when you had first lied down. You tried to stand up, but almost fell, if it wasn't because the nurse caught you. "Where are you trying to go?"
"I need to see my daughter or Zen" you said, as she pushed you back into the bed.
"I'll take you to the NICU in the wheelchair." The nurse said, grabbing the chair from the corner of the room and rolling it over to the side of the bed. "We let your husband do some kangaroo care but he promptly passed out so we put the baby back in the incubator. We can do it with you if you'd like"
"He passed out? Is he alright?" You asked.
"He's fine. We put him in a room and gave him some saline, he was very dehydrated" she said, as she brought you into the NICU.
She had you lie on a recliner and wiped down your chest with some gel.
"How is she?" you asked the nurse, as she gently put her on your chest. She was so small and so light you worried that even touching her could hurt her so you just let her gently rest on your chest.
"She's… as well as can be expected. She had a bit of an infection but it seems to have improved with the antibiotics. She seems to respond well to her dad's blood transfusions, he must have some good antibodies". The nurse said, making sure all the cables coming out of Miyoung weren't tangled or twisted. You smiled - of course Zen's blood would keep her alright. As she laid on your chest, you could barely see her face - the tubes from being intubated covered most of it, Her breathing was fast but the nurse said that was normal. Her skin felt paper thin and it made you so nervous to even touch her.
"Just be gentle. She's fragile, but gentle touching is ok" the nurse said. "I'll be right outside if you need me". You nodded in understanding.
It didn't take long before Zen walked over to the NICU. He looked like he hadn't slept for days but as soon as he saw you his face lit up. He walked over to your side and kissed your forehead, gently caressing the back of your head.
"How is she?" he asked, quietly, looking at Miyoung resting on your chest.
"It seems like she is responding really well to your blood transfusions" you whispered back to him, a weak smile on your face.
"Of course" Zen said. "It must be because of how good I am at healing quickly"
You smiled. Perhaps things would be alright after all.
Miyoung continued to thrive in the NICU but it still took 3 months for the hospital to discharge her. You and Zen went to the hospital every day and you both tried to stay there as long as possible. At one point Zen had to return to work. You often stayed alone at the hospital while he worked and this made for longer nights, leaving you alone with your thoughts. You wondered what happened to your body in the other dimension and you hoped your mother hadn't been too distraught by your death. You know your actions probably caused her great pain but you hoped she would forgive you if she understood the position you were in. It still broke your heart to think of her but you had to be strong for your daughter now and you knew you had made the right decision. Sometimes, Zen's brother* (*Sangmook) would come to the hospital to see Miyoung. You knew things were still not great between Sangmook and Hyun because most of the time he came to the hospital during Zen's shows, perhaps to avoid seeing him. He often brought home cooked meals that you assumed were made by Zen's mother, since it seems he was still single but he mentioned he didn't cook. Talking to Sangmook gave you an insight on how Zen's relationship had been strained with his family. He told you how he had quietly followed Hyun over the years, just to make sure he was ok. He told you how at times he had sent him fanmail with money when he knew he was struggling to make ends meet but begged you not to tell him. Talking to him for a while really showed you how he felt terrible guilt over letting Hyun leave home and drop out of school without fighting for him. This, and many other things he told you which moved you to help him reestablish his relationship with his family.
Once Miyoung was deemed suitable to go home, you finally felt that things were turning in your favor. They had told you she might have to go home with oxygen but she was doing so well they let her go without. In those 3 months, she had gained so much weight and she had gotten so much bigger that it was hard to believe she had ever been so small. Her laughter was the most intoxicating sound you had ever heard and seeing Hyun with her always made your heart melt.
About a year later, you and Zen had a beautiful wedding ceremony. The RFA members were all in attendance, as well as Zen's family, who had slowly returned to Zen's life after they made amends. Zen's mother was absolutely in love with Miyoung and visited often once Hyun began to feel comfortable with it. You could see that Hyun had embraced the idea of keeping his family close and you were glad that this was the case. Now that he was a moderately successful musical actor, his mother apologized for not believing that he could achieve that kind of success. It was a heartfelt apology and you could see that despite the errors in her ways, Zen's mother had done what she thought was best for him.
Zen's success continued to grow and you supported him every step of the way. He began to make movies and his fans continued to grow exponentially. He never really quit the musical theater though, he had grown to love it too much. You had no complaints, as there was nothing that could make you smile more than seeing him perform live. The RFA changed its name to C&RFA, as Jumin took over as head of the association and gave it his company's name. Zen became their main spokesperson, though Jaehee often had to take over if Zen was filming or rehearsing. Jaehee finally came around to like you, despite her initial overprotectiveness over Hyun.
It wasn't until another year had passed that you and Hyun discussed having children again. It didn't take very long for you to get pregnant once you stopped using protection. Zen hovered over you like a wolf protecting his cubs the entire time and never once let you out of his sight. As overwhelming as it was, you knew you had to allow him this reaction. This time, the pregnancy went smoothly and even giving birth was nowhere near as painful as the first time had been.
You had another girl, and she was healthy, strong, and again, looked just like Zen, with scarlett eyes, fair skin, and wisps of white hair out of the top of her head. You named her Yumi and loved her immediately. You could see that Zen had fallen in love all over again and nothing could ever take the smile in his eyes when he was his his daughters. That's when you knew that every tear you cried, every moment of loneliness you endured, every shattered hope, every headache, every doctor, every lie, everything you went through, had been worth it just to see him smile like that… Because you knew you were finally smiling with him.
I know I probably left plot holes all over the place. Please ask me any questions in the comment section and I'll be more than happy to answer them!