On the Edge of Wakefulness, Part 2
Chapter 7
Téa drank a cup of coffee in the kitchen of the Penthouse, trying to deal with Todd's absence without panic, with a calm heart and mind. A near-impossible feat. Viki had called earlier to say that she had Jedediah with her. That she had to contend with him first. That she had a very hurt boy on her hands and couldn't deal with Todd right now. Téa realized that Viki had pretty much hit the wall on this – she was far more devastated than she was willing to admit. Viki said she was sorry, "I...I don't know what to do...Téa… I don't know anymore… what to do." And then she hung up.
At that, Téa had thrown the telephone across the room, furious with Todd. "DAMN YOU!" she had screamed. She screamed to no one. And cried to no one.
In the kitchen, her anger somewhat subsided, she flipped through Todd's photo album. Touched the writing because he had written those descriptions. His hands had bought the book in which to keep the pictures, hands and mind lovingly choosing which shots to keep, hands pasting in the pictures. Searching through his things, tearing into his secrets, she knew, was invasive. She had no choice, however, given his behavior.
In an effort to understand her husband, in the hopes of finding something that would identify who it was Todd had left with, she had gone through his things, through the drawers in his room. There, she had come across such personal treasures that she almost had to stop. How he hid himself from the people around him. One would never have guessed that a menu from a Chinese restaurant which he ate at with Blair held such significance. That a matchbook from a catered dinner with Tea would have been important enough to squirrel away. She also found that little photo album. With her pictures tucked away in the back. They had fun together at times. It had been comfortable and gentle. At times. They had had a marriage.
It was so evident.
Then it burst like a firecracker, sparks spreading about them, stinging them. Marking them. Tea sighed, stuck on a picture of her sleeping – Todd's infamous reaching out to her. His version of "sleeping" with her. She had been outraged when she found out he'd been snapping pictures of her in bed. It was bizarre to say the least, but it also showed how isolated he was, how paralyzed he had become.
Tea exhaled as if the world sat upon her shoulders and gulped down the rest of her cooled coffee. Kevin and Tim had yet to review the video tapes of people entering the hospital that day when Paulie Smith visited Todd. They planned on doing that today. Cassie planned on meeting with an informant about the status of Phillip Manning – where he was, what the murdering son of a bitch was up to. She also said she would find out if he could locate Todd since he was so good at ferreting out information.
As Tea tipped the mug back, getting the last drop of coffee, she heard the front door open and stood up curiously, hoping against hope that it was Todd. She could hear some footsteps and then they stopped as if the person was taking the place in. Judging the room.
At the cessation of noise, she stepped outside the kitchen and took in a sharp breath at seeing Todd at the entrance of the living room looking like a stray dog. He wore a hoodie sweatshirt, the hood up and covering his head. He wore an old army jacket topping his jeans, and rough, worn army boots. He was unshaven, of course, and looked very tired. She'd never seen the jacket or hoodie or those boots before and naturally wondered where they came from. The two stared at each other for a few minutes, neither knowing what to say.
He was thanking God that he'd shot up a second dose before having left the motel room. Paulie had brought him some boots, and the jacket... and the hoodie. Even a toothbrush. The drug made him think things weren't so bad…not so bad she was here…not so bad he looked like shit…not so bad that he was wearing clothes a drug dealer had given him. He grinned sheepishly as if he was in the kitchen eating cookies before dinner, "Hey, Delgado, you caught me."
She was instantly struck by his all-too-relaxed demeanor and his all-too-casual remark considering the trauma he had been causing everyone. No...no...she thought.
"Todd...everyone's looking for you...where have you been?!"
He gazed all over, back at her a moment, then away again before saying, "Around. Just needed to get out of that place. Ain't no big thing."
Tea froze, then lit up, "'Just needed to get out'? 'Ain't no big thing'? Todd, that's a hospital... not the Penthouse! You don't 'just leave'! There are papers to sign...people to check in with...you aren't alone!" Seeing Todd's somewhat pained expression, she bit down and breathed to take it down a notch. She could see how fragile he was, she could see how tenuous his coolness was. And sure enough, he said, "You don't need to yell at me."
Feeling awful, she walked closer to him, slowly, but stopped when she saw him take a step backwards. She tightened her hands into fists, shaking now, realizing the egg-shell situation that was facing her. Get too close and he'll run. This was her one opportunity.
"I'm so sorry...amor...we've just been so scared for you. Tim said...you left with your...drug pusher? Is that true?"
Todd directed his gaze to his boots, "Uh...he just gave me a ride...to a motel...that's all. He's not...a...drug pusher. He doesn't push anything."
Tea felt sick. What was he implying? What's wrong with him? Something isn't right. No...please...no, she thought again.
"Why a motel?" she urged. "Why not here or Viki's?"
"I...uh...wanted to be by myself."
Tim had told her some of the symptoms of drug intoxication, one of which could be seen in his eyes, in the size of his pupils. If it was heroin or morphine or other kinds of opiates, like Tim suspected it would be, the pupils would shrink to the size of pinpoints. With other types of drugs, such as methamphetamine, they would be enlarged. Tea took a step closer to him and he continued to look away, not wanting her to look at him.
He wasn't thinking that she'd notice any symptoms, but rather that she'd see the truth. He didn't want her to know how badly he wished he could stay. How badly he wanted her to hold him again like she had at the hospital. Love me, Tea, please. Make me feel loved. I can't bear to think that the only time I feel it is with heroin. Prove me wrong – show me it's not the same thing as being raped.
"Todd?" He glanced up at her briefly. "Are you on something? Did your friend give you anything?"
He shook his head slightly, a vague, non-response, beginning to walk past her. "I have to pick up some stuff...clothes..."
"No...no, don't go anywhere...please," Tea begged, panicking, stopping him by taking hold of his arm loosely. "We're all so afraid. Let us at least keep an eye on you. Please." She let go of him when he turned to her.
"Tea, don't do this to me...ok? I need to be away from here...I need to be away. Just give me some space – I'll go back to the hospital after a few days. I promise. It's been hell and I need...some...space."
When he did look at her at last, she saw the constricted pupils. His eyes almost all hazel. Pinpoint black. The sight broke her heart – he had gone back to using drugs like they all thought he would. No, she screamed inside of herself. "Todd..." Tea felt her stomach drop and gazed at him fearfully.
"Don't look at me like that...I'm fine," he said.
Tea tentatively reached her hand up to him, to his cheek, and he let her. He closed his eyes at her touch, so wanting her not to stop. She could feel it, could see his giving in to her, and said softly, "I know how hard all of this has been. Tim is so...worried about you. We all are."
"Please, don't worry," he whispered, putting his hand on hers. Holding it to him. "I'm...fine. Fine."
"No, you're not," she said. "Look at me, please."
He sighed and finally looked, seeing that fiery beauty. He smiled at her, thinking again of when she had held him last. When she had tightened her arms around him as if he would fly apart, holding him together. Make me feel alive and loved.
"What is it, Delgado? What do you want to tell me?"
God, she sighed. He sounded like he had so long ago, when there was hope in their lives. "I want you to stay with me," she answered. "Here. I'll cook for you – I'll let you alone. I'll be around, when you need me. I'll keep everyone away from you. You can coop yourself up in your room. I won't make a sound. Just stay here, stay with me. I'm begging you."
His easy smile had faded as he listened to her and, letting go of her hand, he reached up to her. Touched her cheek and her hair. He was fascinated, yet terrified. She then placed her hand on his, holding it to her this time. They continued to look into each other's eyes, questioning, waiting. If he stayed, he would be in another kind of heaven. Another kind of hell. He would feel the pain, the hurt, but she would be with him. She would probably lie down with him, let him rub his bruised and beaten body on hers. She would cry with him. She would listen to whatever he had to say. She would tell him she loved him. Would. If. Only if. I can't feel that right now. It's killing me, Doc. He shut his eyes and wrenched himself away from her.
Rape, love, rape. Love.
Take what you need.
"I can't stay," he said gruffly.
"No...Todd...please," he heard her say, her tone anxious, her hurt bubbling over. He felt her hands on his jacket and then felt her let go of him. He hit the stairs and walked up, a step at a time.
"You stay here, though," he added. "You...keep this place warm, okay, Delgado? You...fill this place up. It can be so fuckin' empty sometimes."
Tea started to cry but fought to hold it in, not wanting to make him feel guilty or pressured as she watched him head upstairs. She had some time before he would leave. She picked up the telephone in a hurry and called Tim to ask him what she should do. She waited while he was paged, tapping the desk with her hand, and breathed out heavily in relief when she heard his voice.
"Tim...thank God...he's here at the Penthouse and...oh God," she said, starting to cry, "he's definitely on something."
"Wait... what makes you say that?" Tim sounded tired and sad.
"His eyes...the small pupils...just the way you described. He's different, too. It's not depression."
"It's an opiate, I'm sure," he said more to himself than to her. They were too late. Todd had already discovered the joys of the opiates, the greatest painkillers in nature. Opium had nearly destroyed countries; Marx had called religion the "opium of the masses" because he believed people became dull to the truth of the world around them, their pain relieved by Biblical promises, and thus they clung to the church. The way an addict will follow his addiction. Damn it.
"What do I do?" Tea asked desperately.
"I want you to listen to me, very carefully." Tim paused and took a breath, trying to stay professional. "He's not going to stay with you. You have to accept that. In fact, at this point...pushing him to stay, fighting him, might be more harmful."
"What?! You're telling me to let him go?"
"Yeah, basically, until the courts come through with the forced hospitalization," he said, then exhaling noisily. He realized that the advice he was about to give went in the face of all traditional approaches to drug abuse. The advice amounted to slamming a brick wall against the force of natural instinct.
"Are you out of your mind?" Tea was panicking.
"No, no, I'm not. But I am testing a way to get to him. I'm...experimenting."
"This is not the time to experiment, Tim! Please!"
"But nothing else is working! So listen...are you listening?"
Tea took a couple of breaths, closing her eyes, covering them with hand. "Yes ... fine … talk ..."
"I want you to give him the pamphlets I gave you – the telephone numbers. I want you to talk to him gently. No pushing. I want you to think...harm reduction. If he feels he needs to use...let's tell him the right way to do it...sometimes this method can actually work – it gives the substance abuser a sense of control. When there's no one tugging at them, they sometimes give it up on their own. They come home on their own because they control the decision. And I think you know that Todd is desperate for control over his life."
"I can't do that," Tea was sniffling, hearing what Tim was saying, but not able to accept it.
"Either way, Tea, he's gone. Look, he needs immediacy, response, he needs to feel good right now. So negotiate with him. He takes the pamphlets, he still gets to use. But he promises to do it right. He does it right, we leave him alone. He contacts us weekly, daily, whatever he agrees to. He keeps us apprized of his health, of his safety. Again, we leave him alone."
"It sounds like we're approving...condoning it..."
"I know. It's a risky thing. But you have to understand this kind of drug. If it's what I think it is, heroin or morphine, it takes away pain. He can't use in the hospital so that's not an option for him. In his head, if he goes back, if he stays with you, that means more pain. Back to hurting. How do you argue that it's better to go back to such suffering? From his perspective?"
"Talk to him about us...about his kids..." Tea kept her eyes on the stairwell, watching for him. Heroin? Morphine? Oh, my God...oh, my dear sweet God.
"That doesn't work with him. He resents that kind of thing...he sees it as using his children. To throw them at him like that takes away their humanness in his eyes. That has always been the best way to arouse his fury. Believe me...I've seen it."
No, she said to herself. "I can't do this...I'll throw myself in front of him before I let him walk out of here. I can't let him leave!"
"I understand...but our chance at stopping him was last night, last week. The past few months." Tim sighed, a rush of guilt coming over him. "It's too late now. It'll seem a joke to him – giving him a choice between comfort and discomfort. Pain and non-pain. There is NO OPTION for him."
"Oh, Tim," Tea cried.
"I know it hurts, Tea, God...believe me...I know. But this is our chance to help him make the right decision on his own. Educate him on the drug use. Let him know you love him. And let him go."
"You're asking the impossible." Although Tea didn't want to experiment on Todd the reality was that he had already turned her down. He already told her he wasn't staying. What were her options?
"I know it seems that way," Tim said. "You want him to survive, though, don't you? He won't stay with you, kiddo. As much as that hurts...he has a new wife: heroin, I suspect. And she's awfully jealous, keeps her spouses on a very tight leash." Tim then added, "If it will make you feel better, when he leaves...follow him. Maybe we can keep an eye out on him from afar."
Tea shook her head, muffling her cries with her hand, and then took a deep breath. My God...this was insane! Don't push because he'll run. Let him go, he still runs! On the other hand, she didn't want to bring in the cavalry. He'd feel so betrayed by her. So cornered. But wasn't that worth saving his life? And yet, she couldn't forget the last intervention, the way she had found him, struggling against invisible demons. They had cornered him into a waking nightmare. She couldn't do that to him. Maybe Tim was right. The best way to love him was to let him go.
"Do you know what you're asking?"
"Yes I do," Tim said.
After hanging up, she walked over to the desk and looked at the various pamphlets that Tim had been referring to. One on safe injecting habits, including procedures on cleaning needles and disposing of them, offering the address of the local needle exchange; one on the dangers of general substance abuse; one on how to get help, which had a section that Tim filled out with the telephone numbers of his pager, the hospital, and Viki. Tea inserted the number of the Penthouse. There was also a brochure on safe sex. She couldn't believe Tim had included that one. Todd didn't have sex. But Tim had told her it was possible that if Todd was using, his inhibitions might be compromised and he might engage in sexual activity. Facts were facts. This one isn't personal, Delgado. All at once, Tea felt very alone.
She gathered up the pamphlets like ammunition and headed upstairs, taking her time, trying to get used to the idea of seeing her damaged husband walk out of their home. To do whatever it is he thinks he needs to. "I don't know if I can let him go. I don't know. Dios mío, tell me...tell me what to do."
Tea stood in the doorway to the master bedroom and watched Todd at the dresser as he lazily put some clothes in a duffle bag. After a few minutes, he turned to look out the window and leaned back against the dresser, half-sitting on it. Tea turned to see what he was looking at and saw that he was focused on a bird hanging out on the balcony. Todd sat still, stuck on that bird. He barely blinked. She walked in and cleared her throat, recovered now from her crying jag.
She walked up to him and stood directly in front of him. He dragged his eyes away from the window and smiled slightly at her. Lifted his eyebrows, "So, who was it you called - Viki? Tim? My...school principal? To tell them I've been...bad?"
"No. Just Tim. To tell him you were safe."
"Safe as I can be...I guess." He looked away from her, her glare too piercing. Too knowing.
She decided to hit him quickly and hard with reality. "So, why don't you tell me what drug you're using this time? Last time it was methamphetamine. Before that it was alcohol. Some marijuana. Coke back in your college days? What is it now, amor, what is it...now?"
"You're so smart. Why don't you guess?" His voice was without anger in comparison to Tea's.
"Lift your sleeves," she said. "Show me your arms. Or are you sniffing your drugs? Or smoking them?"
He shook his head in disbelief and went back to staring out the window. "Why do you always have to think the worst about me?"
"I don't think the worst...I fear the worst. I fear the draw of self-medication. I'm afraid for what you do to yourself when you're in pain. Do you understand?"
He gazed at her again, "I guess I haven't been doing too good in that department... in the pain department."
"It's been really hard – I know that." They were quiet a while, Todd staring at nothing in particular, appearing almost sleepy. "That little boy you told me about," Tea said. "Are you...still seeing him?"
"Isn't anything to see," he said softly. "He's buried. Dead and buried."
"Todd. Please don't leave right now. Stay here today...just the day. Maybe the night, too. If I can't make you feel somewhat better, if...you don't feel...safe...then you can leave. Will you do that? Please? Just give me one shot?"
"A shot?" He chuckled halfheartedly at his own joke, deciding what to do. Lost. I am so lost. "I don't know," he mumbled, sniffling. Rubbed his face with his hands. Staying meant no heroin as he'd left all his stuff at the motel. No peace. Only pain. That choice again.
"Tell me, what's hanging you up?" Tea tried to be cool about this, but her voice gave her away.
He sort of bit at his lip, trying to come up with an answer that made sense. To her. To his beautiful, perfect, scared wife.
"I don't wanna...be questioned," he finally sputtered. "I don't want people...pitying me...or fussing. I wanna just...be. If I stay here the fussing'll happen. Viki will come...Kevin will be sure to pop his...sanctimonious head in. I just don't wanna do it. I can't deal with the...intrusions." They looked at each other a second, Todd finally breaking the gaze.
"I'm not going to let them in. I told you that," Tea said, reaching out to caress his hand.
He watched her do it, feeling again that need to rub up against her. Did he love her? Love? What's that? It's when you give up something you like for them. I must not love her, because I can't give up the dope. Not now. Just a few more days. That's all I need.
"They'll find a way," he said, looking back up at her and smiling. "They always find a way of breaking through."
They were quiet a moment, her hand still on him. He twisted his hand around, though, and held hers instead. Without warning, he leaned over and kissed her lips. Their noses touched each other and he tilted his head slightly to get closer to her. He wanted to feel that "love"; he wanted to know he could feel it. Tea and he held on a second, each one not wanting to let go, not wanting to release the other. Their lips just pressing against the other, pressing tensely. She could feel him part his lips slightly and adjust himself and she met his movement. He reached up and held her head in between his hands, gently. She felt, she kept hoping, that the kiss would make it all better. Like a fairy tale. Magic. Yes, she kept saying to herself. Yes...yes...stay here. Stay with me. He put his tongue into her mouth and she met it with hers. He tasted sweet…literally. Like sugar. Like his saliva had turned to sugar. He turned and kissed her again, deeper.
He then pulled away just as quickly and plopped back against the dresser, his eyes not leaving hers.
"Sorry...sorry," he whispered. Something had happened – he hurt again. A shock of pain had broken through the haze and it hurt. A reminder of what he had done to her and of all that he couldn't seem to forgive himself for. Rape and love...what was the difference? He raped those he loved.
"It's okay," Tea said. "I love to kiss you."
"No...I should have asked first."
Tea was about to continue the conversation, to assure him that she was fine, unshaken, but he shook his head and told her to stop. He couldn't talk about this... didn't want to explore this. I have nothing to give you.
"Where'd you get these clothes?" she asked, clearing her throat and changing the subject. All she cared about was postponing his leaving.
"A friend."
Tea nodded, figuring it was his supplier. "What's his name?"
"This won't work. I'm not telling you anything."
Nodding as if in understanding, Tea straightened up, moving slightly away from him and his face flashed a look of confusion.
"I have some things for you, some pamphlets," she said. "Tim told me specifically, insistently, that I give them to you. That if you wouldn't stay with me..." She almost lost it but took a breath. "That if you feel you cannot stay here, that we should enter into an agreement."
She shoved the pamphlets into Todd's hands. "Here, you read these," she said. "Please. They're for your safety. If you treat yourself... well... if you promise to be careful, to follow these rules, we will not try an intervention. We will leave you alone. You have to promise...to let us know where you are. So if you need help, we can find you."
My God, Tea said to herself, I am letting you go.
Todd was flipping through the brochures, shame sliding through him, guilt making its way to the forefront. He slowly lifted his eyes to Tea, his face exhibiting the edges of anger, the heroin-reduced fringe of it, "The fuck is this?"
Tea stuck her chin out, lifted her head. "It's a deal. I know how much you like deals."
"This is... judgment... conviction... you think..."
"Take your jacket off, Todd. Take your sweater off. Show me you aren't shooting up anything. Maybe I'll believe you."
"But like you said...there are other ways to take a drug..." He kind of smirked but without any real feeling behind it. If he could have cried, if the "h" would have allowed him to do so, he would have. He was disappointing everyone. They hated him. They all knew what a pathetic, broken-up loser he was. They knew his every move, his every step. He was like a mouse in some crazy scientist's maze. Watched and judged.
Tea could see that ache there, on his face. Breaking through. She took his hand again, "Todd...I love you. I love you with every bit of life I have in me. With everything that I am. If something happens to you out there...I don't know what I'll do. If you won't let me help you here at home...then at least you can read these and follow the rules." She started to cry, her tears soon running into her mouth.
"Please...Tea... don't say these things... I'm a lost cause," Todd said, smiling slightly for an instant. "You... deserve someone else. Not me."
"Stop saying that. I made a commitment to you and I failed you. I should have seen what was happening... but I couldn't. I was caught up in our love... in the possibilities for a real life together. I didn't see the pain that you were in. You aren't lost - you're right in front of me. Right here."
Todd stood there, captured by her gaze, by her promising voice. Love? He almost groaned with the sensation of it, with its washing over him. He looked down unable to take it any more.
"Todd? Talk to me, please."
Looking back up at Tea, Todd responded to her in a faint, unfeeling voice, "You want me to take off my jacket. Take off the sweatshirt. You want to know."
Tea nodded, "Yes. Show me I'm wrong."
"And what'll you do if you're not wrong? What's it gonna mean to you? Will it be easier for you to let me walk outta here? Will it... make your fears go away? Your... love?"
"No - whatever I find will not affect how I feel about you. But I want to see that I'm wrong. Show me."
Show me. Show me you love me. Me. See me. See who I am.
Without removing his eyes from Tea's, he slowly took off his jacket. Tossed it aside, stripping for her. He paused a bit, rubbing his face with his hands, suddenly and unexpectedly sent back to a night when she had stripped for him. She had bared herself, her body, only to be met with his violence, with his hatred of himself. He had thrown her out of the Penthouse, naked, shutting her up, chasing her away. Utterly humiliating her.
"Payback," he whispered.
"What?"
He looked up at her, "Payback for when you...for when...and I...I hurt you...and..." He couldn't seem to finish his thought and suddenly found himself shivering. As if naked already. See who I am. He had done it before. He should have understood her more, back then.
It dawned on Tea what he was thinking of and she shook her head, "No.. Todd... no payback. You don't have to show me anything... no... it's okay..." Her eyes welled with hurt for him and she reached out, but he pushed her hand away, dazed a bit.
"Payback," he muttered, his eyes sleepy, transported to another time. Listlessly, he lifted the hoodie up over his head, the tee-shirt coming up too. He was bare now, back against the dresser, holding the clothes. He didn't say anything, didn't even look at her.
Tea, after a few moments, hesitatingly took his hand and pulled it to her, palm up. She could see the bruising in the crook of his arm. Could see several puncture marks. Lower, she could see his scars, his brutalization of himself. She ran her fingers up from his wrist to his biceps, caressing him. She lifted her eyes to his and looked at the pain there.
Dropping his hand gently, she felt a swell of hurt, her eyes stinging with unshed tears. "Don't do this anymore...please stop hurting yourself."
As if pulled out of a trance, he said softly, "Don't cry... it's heaven. I can feel love... this way. I know what it's like now. I know. It's warm and endless and safe and... unconditional. I feel it. Inside of me."
Looking up at him, Tea demanded, "And we can't give you that? WE LOVE YOU! YOU, DAMN IT! Unconditionally, endlessly... SAFELY!"
"No...not safely. You say you love me, everyone says it, and time and time again, I get fucked by it." Then tearfully, he added, "People fuck me, Tea... over and over. Life fucks me. I'm so tired of it. Heroin doesn't hurt... it just feels good. It feels perfect and calm and quiet..." He gave her a look of desperation – he was desperate for her to understand.
"Todd...listen to me," Tea said, panic lacing her voice. "It's lying to you... it's... hurting you and you don't know it." She picked up his hand again and pointed to the bruising. "LOOK! It does hurt you!"
He jerked his hand away from her. "No," he said. "Look...look at this..." He picked up the pamphlets and pointed to them, tapped at them, getting angry at her, at her not understanding, "The stupid bruise was a mistake. It was ME who did that. Read this...read your own shit...'sharing needles', 'unprotected sex with IV users who are using unsafely'. READ IT! I DON'T DO THOSE THINGS! THOSE PEOPLE ARE IN DANGER...NOT ME!" God. She didn't understand.
Tea got control and took a deep breath. This was it. She was going to watch him walk out of here. "Todd, please don't go. You stay here... with me. Please."
"I can't stay," he said. "I need this... I need the quiet... the peace. Don't take it away from me... please..."
Tea started to cry again, "It can kill you... do you understand that?"
"No...no...no...I don't want to die... I just want that warmth... that... peace... it's not going to kill me..." Then when he thought about it, when he looked down at his cut up body, at his blackened arm, he realized that in some ways, he didn't really care if he died. "What does it matter anyway? One more rapist off this earth, one more... lost person gone. So what?"
Tea all at once threw herself around him, hugging him, holding him, "Todd...please don't leave me here. Don't go back to where ever it is you're going...I love you. I'll help you...together we can try to understand all your pain...I'll be your wife again. We'll be here...okay? Please?"
He didn't know what to do... didn't know what she was doing. Why? She had humiliated herself by baring herself to him so many times and he had stepped on her. He had thrown her out of the Penthouse that one night. He had hit her. He yelled, he...hurt her so many times. His love for her...fucked her. How could she love him? He pulled her arms off him, pushed her away, shaking his head, mumbling, "No...no...no..."
After some minutes, Tea took a breath and said, "I guess there's nothing else to say then. You say you won't die from putting that garbage into yourself - well - then I guess you're different from all the other drug abusers. You'll be safer than they are. You won't end up like all those others because you...are...special, right? RIGHT?!" Her last words were biting.
Todd looked hurt and turned away. She moved closer to him and gently cupped his face in her hands, "I'm sorry... you ARE special. Special to me. To Viki. To Starr. To your son. We love you, especially me. This is why I'm asking you to stay here." She gazed into his eyes, a decision having been made by her. An acceptance. She let go of him and stood tall.
Todd looked down at his hands, picked at his nails. Whispered, "I don't feel that...I don't believe it...I don't get it."
"Let me show you then - I will keep telling you and touching you and proving it to you until you do believe it. Let me do that."
He shook his head slowly, "Did you ever take chemistry?"
"Yes...what does-"
"You can't turn lead into gold, Tea."
"That's right...but you aren't lead, you ARE gold. It's just covered up with all that stuff Peter did to you. Todd..."
He shook his head more affirmatively and made like he was about to go. Tea stopped him, "Wait...our agreement." Todd just looked at her. "You promise to call me every couple of days? You promise to call me if you need help?" He shrugged, not averting his eyes from hers. "In return, I will leave you alone. I will not go looking for you. I also promise that I will never judge you. I will never hurt you. You can rely on me. You can trust me."
Todd closed his eyes a moment and then said softly, "I'll try. I will try, but I can't promise anything. I will read all this crap." At that, Todd put his tee-shirt and sweatshirt on and slipped into the jacket. He kneeled down and stuffed the pamphlets into his bag. He then picked the bag up, looked at her and smiled weakly.
"See you around, Delgado."
Thank God for the heroin, he thought. Thank God I can't feel what I'm doing right now. I want to go back to you, mama. I want to feel THAT. Let me fly with you. Let me be loved by you.
He walked out the bedroom door.
Tea listened for his steps as he went downstairs. Listened for the front door to open. Heard it shut. She would not follow him because she wanted him to trust her. Sitting in that room, she heard her heart beat a few times, felt a rushing sensation in her ears.
When he finally made it back to the China Moon after being dropped off by a taxi, when he shut and locked the door behind him, Brandy was waiting for him. She was in another silky dress, this one pink and glimmering in the dead light of the room. Her hair was long and damp, she smelled of vanilla.
She could see it in his face, could see that deep-set hurt again. As he inched off his jacket, she smiled at him and murmured, "Hey there, baby. You need a fix don't you? I got it all ready for you."
"Yeah," Todd said, barely able to get it out, his mind focusing on only the one desire, on only one means of relief. He pulled off his sweater like it weighed a hundred pounds. He sat down in the bed, looking at Brandy's face.
"Glad you're here," he said.
She beamed at him and he touched the fading bruise on her face. Then pulled away, dropping his head… the pain kicking him, punching him all over now. Tea's pleas rang in his head.
"Brandy's gonna make it all better, baby."
With her help, he went through the ritual of tying himself off and swabbing his arm in preparation for the needle. He had to tie off because he fucked himself up with the cutting. Picking the vein at last, he shot up. Threw up harshly, but less than before. He fell onto the bed and let himself be loved by his savior, let himself be loved by its truth and by its honesty.
Brandy curled up next to him and watched him. Unnoticed. Unacknowledged. All he felt was heroin love.
Yeah...like this...like this. Hold me together. Make me feel good.
"Angel...you're back. I love you, sweetheart. Let me kiss those hurts away. That scraped knee. That bruised elbow."
"Yeah, mama. I hurt. You gonna hold me again?"
"I will never turn you down. I will always hold you when you want it."
"I want it now. I love you."
"I know you do. I know."
To be continued….