On the Edge of Wakefulness, Part 2

Chapter 8

Phillip Manning didn't sweat much. He rarely got flustered except that one time with the Mole after he'd seen Todd Manning himself, near unrecognizable, hopping onto that run-down Harley. And now. Things were spiraling out of control. All his contacts had fallen to the wayside; his people had virtually disappeared into thin air, running scared most likely. The raid on his main office in Chicago screwed shit all to hell. Then Asa Buchanan naming names.

Phillip sucked on a cigarette and knocked back his ever-present bottle of gin for a nice long swill. He'd been typing away on his laptop in his rented house, singing along to some old-school rock on the radio, changing around bank accounts and whatnot. Some easy fraudulent activity. Theft 101 kind of stuff. He liked the commercials, the goofy DJ's and the inane calls. Gave him a certain thrill. I think my husband's having an affair, one whined. Wow...how do you know that, the deejay asked, garnering up all his sympathy, all his phony concern for the caller.

I found women's underwear in his briefcase...I confronted him and he's denying it!

The other DJ then got in on the action, a female. You know what I think you ought to do? You ought to invite the other woman along for a three-way!

Well, there you go with that three-way thing of yours! The first DJ was so impressed with his partner's wit.

Phillip laughed loudly, "Yeah, you stupid bitch... maybe your stupid-ass husband's puttin' it to some dog 'cause you're so damn..." He was angry. "Stupid bitch," he mumbled, pounding away at the keys some more. But he had a plan that would ease his hate.

Harass Jedediah Chant.

Corner him and tell him about his precious mama. How pretty she still is. How she cried for Jed at night up in them there hills. How afraid she was of the big ... bad ... fucking wolf. All phony... all garbage, but specifically designed to drag the little bastard away from here so he could be...eradicated. Then he'd finish Michelle. Wherever the fuck she was. He closed his eyes a second and took a deep breath. He was going to find her and he was going to end her, too.

And Todd?

Phillip wanted him to live. Yeah, feel the loss of his kid and his former lover. That would be worth all this. He grinned, a crooked bitter grin, inhaling the cigarette smoke. Took another drink of gin. He wasn't as with it as he should have been; he'd slipped into some old ways, haunting the seedier parts of the city and picking up on young hustlers, men, women, the in-betweens. So long as he was dominating whoever was beneath him, whoever was attempting to give him what he wanted, he was good. Whores were easy like that, being dominated.

"Love is love," Phillip said aloud, chuckling.

All at once, he threw the gin bottle across the room, hearing it shatter against the wall. He leaned forward and held his head in his hands. He sat up and looked at the dripping liquid, running down the wallpapered wall. "I need control over this situation," he growled. He was on his own on this one and… well, it made him uncomfortable. Like being naked in the middle of a town square. He hated that more than anything.

He picked up the telephone, dialed, and when the Mole answered, he snarled, "He's still kicking, Mr. Artist Man. What's up with that? Mean... I hired you to do a job and paid you half already."

The Mole crooned back, "Oh Mr. Purchaser, Sir, the heat's on bad since you done lost loyalty amongst the troops. But I'm still here. You got my number. I ain't goin' nowhere."

"You still loyal, Mo'? You still keeping the faith? Or have you decided to move out of painting and on to...babysitting?"

There was some silence on the phone and Phillip took a deep breath. The Mole had turned, too. They'd all turned on him. The man interrupted his thoughts, "The hell are you talkin' about? I ain't babysittin' nobody. I'm keepin' cool. Don't wanna go to jail with you."

"What makes you think I'm going to jail?"

"You ought to get out of town, Manning. They're moving in on you, you have to know that. They're so convinced they're gonna get you, they postponed the trial of Asa Buchanan. They want you, man, they want the Emperor bad."

Phillip took another breath and rubbed his spiky bleached-blond hair, grinding his teeth, shaking. A soundless tight vibration rumbled in his throat. Closed his eyes a moment. "Yeah...I'm sure they do." He punched the end-button on his cell phone. He had a headache.

If things are out of control, he then admonished himself, take control of things. Uncle Peter used to say that when he was directing Phillip on how to manage business. They had some good times together, they did. He learned a lot from Peter. He was Phillip's hero. A damn hero.

Porridge, oatmeal, is mushy and tasteless as it slides down your throat. Like life. Undefined, undetermined. Lumpy. Okay, so it tastes more sugary than not. Jedediah shoveled another spoonful of his breakfast into his mouth, which was more like an early dinner considering it was near four o'clock. He glanced up at Viki sitting across the table from him. She was studying an article put out by some institute on substance abuse. Yet another article. The fourth or fifth one off the internet that she had slogged her way through. He knew it was about Todd, everyone assumed that's what he was up to. He really hoped it wasn't true. It had been almost two weeks since he'd disappeared.

She peered over her glasses at Jedediah and gave him a weak smile. "How's the oatmeal?"

"You didn't have to make me anything. I coulda done it. Coulda gotten something at the Banner." He stirred the cereal, playing with the cinnamon stick. He had planned on meeting up with Jessica who was working a part-time job there. They were going to hang out together tonight. Stupid stuff. See a movie with her and her college friends. She was cool. Viki had suggested it earlier. She thought it wasn't so healthy to be by himself too much. The only rule was to be in a public place at all times. Death threats and all.

"Chips and Coke are not adequate nutrition." She smiled at him. "Not sure how much better oatmeal is, though."

"Sounded good to me."

"Are you feeling better these days? Did you sleep… comfortably last night?" She had put down the documents and crossed her arms over the paperwork, completely focusing on Jedediah. He'd been up most nights, sleeping in late. Viki was pretty sure he was in a state of depression. But who wouldn't be at this young age, under these circumstances?

He shrugged, as if reading her mind. "How good can you be knowing someone wants to kill you? Knowing your father's out there... someplace..." Sighing, he put the spoon down, suddenly not very hungry anymore.

After he had calmed down the first night he'd gotten to Viki's, after he had cried out some of his frustration and fears, she'd gotten him settled into one of Llanfair's many empty rooms. He ended up staying with her. Kevin's was fine, but he felt... closer to Todd here. He just did. That first night, he shared what he learned from Kevin about Phillip Manning. Then he told her about the stranger, the man from the hills who said Michelle was alive. He made Viki swear not to tell a soul because if it was true, Phillip might just kill Michelle. He couldn't take the risk. Viki was super upset, ready to fucking call 9-1-1, but he made her promise. They didn't come to any conclusion, Viki saying she'd think more on what his options were. Options. She'd managed to get two weeks worth of waiting from him because it made sense to wait the man out. He hadn't returned. And the more time passed, the more likely the dude was full of shit. Of course… why would he be doing this at all? Nothing made sense.

"None of this is easy," Viki said, reaching across the table and placing her hand on his, looking at his sad face. "I...we will never let anyone hurt you."

He pulled his eyes and hand away from her, feeling too young at the moment, too much like a victim. Too many undefined factors in his life.

"What are we gonna do about Todd?" For some reason, Todd felt a more controllable thing.

"I spoke to Tim early this morning and he's…" Viki took off her glasses. Pinched the bridge of her nose. Sighing. She didn't want to tell Jedediah about Todd going to the Penthouse. About his admission that he was injecting heroin as a form of relief for his suffering. But seeing the forlorn look on Jedediah's face, knowing that most people in his life had withheld information from him, she changed her mind. The last thing Jedediah needed was more secrets.

"We have a big problem with Todd," she said.

His face crinkled with concern and he sniffled. He chewed his lip a moment. "What… you heard from him?"

"Yes. He went to the Penthouse… Téa was there. She spoke to him." Jedediah opened his mouth to say something, but Viki cut him off. "He's not there now, honey. He's staying at some motel - we don't know where. He said he needed to be by himself."

"Wh-what does that mean? Is it near here? I mean...is it…"

"He wouldn't tell her anything. We're trying…" Viki stopped and rubbed her eyes. Looking up again, she couldn't help but see Todd in Jed's face. That same disappointment. She handed Jedediah one of the articles in front of her. "Start with this one. This talks about the why's of drug addiction. Why some people always go back, again...and again. It's some technical reading - but I think it helps."

Jedediah looked over it briefly and then lifted his eyes to her, "What are you saying?"

"He's using heroin and there's no talking him out of it."

At that, Jedediah got up from the table, not sure where he wanted to go, how he was supposed to take this. The assumption had turned into a fact. He turned around, shaking his head, "Well, shit."

Viki nodded her head, "Pretty much."

Lots of things bounced around in Jed's head, lots of thoughts, jumbled and itchy. Michelle being alive might just bring him around to reality. Might. He didn't know. He looked up at Viki who was still being so calm about the whole thing. "So why are you all not getting the police on him?"

"Oh he's on their list. But it's a very long list."

Jed's face quirked. "How long have you known?"

"We've known for some time, but were hoping he'd come in on his own. It's been two weeks though and it's pretty clear-"

"You know people! Get a detective or something!"

"Sweetheart, we are purposefully leaving him alone."

Jedediah stopped cold. The silence heavy. A look of utter contempt hit Viki hard. She didn't know what it was about his dramatic reaction, but for the first time since Todd had taken off, she realized she'd been hiding from the pain of all this. The reality of the situation was finally starting to reach in through the walls of protection she'd built up around herself. She could barely look at him as he asked in his way, in a way that now sounded so much like his father…

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"It's Tim's professional decision… to handle it this way. It's called 'harm reduction.' See, Todd's too…"

"Too what? Sick? He's too sick to be helped?"

"No...it's not like that...please, sit down, Jed."

"No! I'm not gonna sit down! Explain this to me 'cause I don't get it!"

"Fair enough. The way Tim explained it is that Todd's not showing improvement through traditional treatment methods… and that he's already-" She swallowed, finding it hard to take Jedediah's accusatory stare. "He's tried something that offers him relief so it's very difficult to talk him off the ledge, so to speak. We can force treatment, it's true, if a judge agrees… but we have to find him first… but… even if we do, will he respond to the treatment? My brother is very stubborn. He will bide his time and go back to using."

"So you're just leaving him."

"The goal is to get him to trust us...that he can trust what we say, that we're going to leave him alone to make decisions on his own. Including the drug use."

"Sick people can't make decisions on their own."

"Yes, you're right. And the police might still get to him. But I do worry about that. If they lock him up, and he thinks we forced it, he won't trust us. And as soon as he's free again, he'll hide deeper, he'll hide better. We might lose him forever. With him, trust is everything."

Jedediah walked to the breakfast table and pulled out the chair. Sat down roughly, slouching. "Maybe."

"We're in a very difficult position. The idea is that if we back off, which we have, we show him that we trust him to make the right decision. That he can trust us to believe in him. That by being informed on all his options, on how to safely use the drugs, he will...choose to come home."

"But he hasn't come home…"

Viki nodded, "Yes, two weeks on his own. I'm still holding out hope. I still don't want to get aggressive. I want to believe this will work."

"I want to talk to him. I wanna do that."

Viki nodded. Jedediah may have been still a boy, but like Todd, he had to make his own decisions. "I will tell you where he is the moment we find out. We are not giving up on finding him. Just not in a hurry to have him arrested."

Jedediah took a bite of the oatmeal, cold now. He didn't care. Swallowed back that ache. Viki did the same. Swallowed an ache. She put her glasses back on and began reading. Jedediah did the same, flipped through the pages. Harm reduction. Madness.

The house was quiet and they both hoped Todd was alright. That he would make it through another night alone. And also… they both hoped that Phillip was nothing more than a blip in this nightmare.

"Roll the tape back again," Kevin said to the head of security, scooting close to the monitor. It had taken quite a bit of red tape to get to the surveillance tapes but finally they were here. He rubbed his eyes and tried to focus on the picture. It was somewhat dark in the room and after seeing so many of these tapes, Kevin had grown a bit weary of the process. "Where is this one again? They're all starting to look alike."

Todd had never called Téa and nobody had seen him since he left. It was early though in this little chess game Todd was playing.

"That's at the entrance to the lock-down ward," the officer said, chuckling a little at Kevin getting disoriented. Reading these tapes definitely took experience.

Tim Graham walked into the small room and leaned against the doorway. "Any luck?"

Kevin groused, "Oh we have narrowed the tapes down and definitely have Todd's visitor that one time, Mr. Smith, but he knows what he's doing with those cameras. He turns away from each one…there isn't any way to ID him. Bastard." Pictures were printed. He shared them with Tim. Added, "Kinda weird. I think I know him. Not sure from where… but there's something kind of familiar about that walk and his build. See how's he's kind of broad, hunched over...that coat. God...I just can't place him…"

Tim asked, "You think he works for Todd? I mean...like at the Sun? I remember Todd once demanding to see his driver. Maybe he really works for him?"

"Yeah, maybe," Kevin said, staring at one of the pictures. "I'll show Cassie, Viki, Téa. I'll ask at the Sun. Maybe his workers will recognize him. That IS the guy. The timing's right based on the check-in records. Question is...who is he?"

Todd opened his eyes slowly, finding himself staring at Paulie, the Mole. Who knew what his real name was? Todd was lying on his side on the bed on top of the covers and after a moment realized that Paulie was kneeling down to look at him.

"Welcome to the real world," he purred, grinning. "How're my girls treatin' you?"

"Girls?" Todd mumbled.

"Why yeah...you got the princess...and you got my Brandy. Girls."

Todd nodded, finding it hard to keep his eyes open. He'd been on the nod all damn day. In and out of dreams, in and out of sunlight, darkness, the motel room like a green screen to his heroin visions. Days and days. Turned into weeks. His body was like liquid, like liquid mercury. The coagulated silver spilled out of a broken glass thermometer. Yeah, yeah, like the silvery clotted liquid he'd roll from the bed to the bathroom to the kitchen to the bed again. He'd lay against Brandy, the mattress, the kitchenette's linoleum, the carpet. Liquid mercury body parts, at one with the heroin, the heat, the cold, the air, the water in the tub. Bliss… fucking… bliss because not once in all that time did Peter molest him, beat him, torture him. Nothing… but… silvery liquid.

"Hey, come on, dude."

"Ow… come on yourself," Todd groaned, grabbing the sheet and pulling it up higher. He had a sense he was naked. Clothes had gotten so annoying, too tight on sensitive parts. A matter of practical reality that flew in the face of his fears, his repulsion, his mad protections because heroin needles hurt and so did the space in between being in the loving arms of the princess of peace. His arms were bruised bad because he was careless. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He reached in between his legs. Scratched the tender skin of his inner thigh. His neck, his shoulder. And one place on his side. He got all itchy in between his dreams. Scratched raw. To bleeding. He closed his eyes again. Making himself stay high because it was the only way he could feel good. Nothing else worked with him; he always knew he was broken. Like a thermometer. Like that red plane, busted up into pieces.

I can't fly any other way.

The whole room was dark except for the kitchenette light. A shadow figure lay near him and he squeezed shut his eyes and ran a hand through the ghost. Silky nothingness. Téa smiled at him, whispered, where are you, mí amor?

I don't know where I am. Paradise? Hell? A void of some sort.

Téa. The thing with her at the Penthouse had been so long ago but it still stung. Couldn't let go of the feel of her hands on him, her grabbing at him to get him to stay with her. That kiss. The memories that came with it. His undressing for her, the payback. It had been more than he could take. Then she let him walk away. He had watched to see if she would follow him. She didn't. While jacked up, he kept picturing people coming through the door to get him. No one did. He didn't want them and yet his heroin dreams told a different story. Everyone said they would leave him alone. They did.

They did.

"Hey! Talk to me, man," Paulie insisted, trying to get Todd to stay awake. "You got any more cash? You gotta pay for that shit you're using, for both my girls. Speaking of which… the hell is she? I can't keep track of her no more with her bouncin' all over the place."

Todd was focused on Paulie, that short marine-hair. Those blue eyes. Like Doctor Graham's blue eyes. He grinned and swiped at his face, wishing for that kind man. That man who made him feel like a human being. Why wasn't he showing up at the door? They're leaving him alone… wait… wait… the man here, Paulie, he had mentioned something about money.

"Yeah...yeah...I got cash," he said raggedly, "...it's in my bag. I'll get it...let me…" Todd pictured himself getting up, wandering over to the bag. Unzipping it. Sorting through his things. Opening the inside zippered section, handing over money... but he still felt the bed beneath him.

"I'll get it," he heard. He must not have gotten out of bed. He felt so warm and so comfortable, it was hard to move. But something wasn't working right because even in this state, in this glorious place, he was feeling kinda sad. Kinda lost. He opened his eyes again and watched Paulie fussing with the overnight bag. Saw him flip though bills. He had found the cash.

"All right," Paulie said. "You got it all. I ain't takin' more than you owe me. What you owe Brandy on the other hand is between the two of you – she said she's been…doin' shit to you so I assume you're paying her for that shit. Anyway, we're even now…"

Doing things to him. He cupped himself in protection. She had done stuff. A few baths ago. Found himself taking her hand… he curled up tightly, shuddering in recollection. Grabbed his dick and gasped noiselessly in unwanted desire. Don't touch me… don't touch me… but don't touch me fast… don't touch me faster... yeah… god… like that… like that… don't touch me like that.

"I left you some more product. Should cover you for a few more days, but at the rate you're going...I don't know...damn. You wracking quite the bill. You oughta take it easy. Don't want to o.d. and end up in the hospital again."

Hospital...just a few days more of this...then I'll go back, he thought. How long has it been? It's just so quiet and...kinda nice. It's nice. I feel...nice. Nice? He smiled a little, thinking about Téa and what it would be like to be lying next to her and have HER not touch him. The image got ugly and he closed his eyes tightly again, hoping to change what he saw. He rubbed the side of his head. Images of Brandy coming to him. Doin' shit when he was fucked up. A loop. Interwoven with other shit. He groaned a little.

"Todd… hey...wake up...you gotta eat something, man."

"Huh."

Eating. Todd could see Téa's face as she bit into an orange section, her grin at its tartness. He focused on her lips and reached to her to press at the orange juice there. The picture fizzled and Todd pulled his hand back. He knew she wasn't in front of him. He tightened onto himself.

"Brandy says you ain't eatin' nothin'. You can't do that. If you're gonna be hanging out, try to act normal. Otherwise...you're gonna be dead or in jail…"

Todd stretched a little. Wakefulness coming like a sunrise. Slow. He rolled onto his back and licked his lips. Ran his hands across his chest and stared at the unlit ceiling lamp. It was a round ball, perfectly frosted. He thought he saw it light up but it was only this dreamy thing he was seeing. He was still really on. It hadn't been that long since he last did himself up. Musta done a lot.

"Shit, I hate dealing with you people," Paulie sighed. "Fuckin' babysitter is right."

"What?"

"Jesus, let's go eat. I'm starved. Get up." He dragged Todd off the bed and stood him up. Todd smiled sleepily at him, a hand on his cock. He reached out an arm and gave him a hug, "Oh Paulie...Paulie...or Mo' or whoever the fuck you are...you've saved my life…"

"No, dude, no I haven't," Paulie said before pushing him away. "Fuck man… go get cleaned up… and dressed."

Todd sort of smiled at him, sorta didn't. He knew his hair was a mess, and he had a bit of a beard going. All practical shit he didn't care much about. He didn't even remember the last time he took a shit. Or maybe he just floated through it. He couldn't remember the feeling of hunger or thirst or needing a shower. Needing one. He just stayed high. He never let himself feel anything because at the edges of his high, lurked old terror, all those memories, and he just couldn't have it. He trudged into the bathroom and shut the door.

Paulie walked over to Todd's bag, picked it up, opened the bathroom door and pushed the bag inside. Todd was just standing in front of the mirror, his eyes closed, and he was kind of swaying. He hadn't even turned on the light. Shaking his head, Paulie flipped on the switch. Snapped his finger in front of Todd's face. He flinched and woke up.

"Try to look decent. And move...shit… don't just stand there like a fuckin' plant."

Paulie pulled the door shut and flopped on the bed tiredly. Took out a cigarette from the packet in his coat pocket and lit it up with one of the motel matches. It had been a screwed up day. Cassie had called him, asking him for an update as to the location of Todd Manning. Yet again. She'd been asking him since Paulie picked Todd up from the hospital. He wondered whether she knew something. She also asked about Phillip. Then she laid down the law. Either he meet with the Feds about turning evidence or he was going to jail. She had bluffed for sure. He was hidden - the only criminal record on him was an expunged juvenile record. They didn't know his real name. Didn't have fingerprints. The had nothing. But he felt so damn trapped at the moment, anyway, taking care of all these people. How in the hell did he become babysitter to the Manning family?! SHIT! He puffed away and when he was done with a few more cigarettes, he was looking up at a cleaner Todd.

"Normal?" Todd asked. He still appeared sleepy, doped up. Something about the way he licked his lips.

"No. Damn...you don't ever look normal anymore. You look like hell."

Todd looked away, shaking his head. He glanced in the mirror over the dresser. "We going out?" He did look awful but couldn't really identify what exactly it was that made him look awful. Who cares? Who really gives a shit?

"Chinese okay?"

Chinese. He nodded. "Sure."

The Shanghai had been his and Blair's favorite place for take out. Todd never actually went inside since Blair was the one who had done that - running in quickly - so this would be a first. It was on the edge of Llanview, towards the county line, typical American-Chinese place… with all the cheesy decorations. With an owner who spoke in short sentences and got impatient easily when you tried to order special.

Todd kept saying to himself that everything was okay. That he could handle a normal thing like dinner out with a buddy. Ok...so the buddy was not exactly normal. He was a drug dealer among other things but that was beside the point. Normal. Decent. Not fucking crazy in a hospital. Todd found the carpeting very soothing and kept his eyes glued to the gray loops. He resisted the impulse to lay down and rub his cheek on the textured flooring. He found the smell of incense on the restaurant lobby too strong, though, and it made him kind of nauseous. The host was looking at him strangely, Todd noticed when he looked back up from the carpet. He realized it was because he had been sort of sleep-standing.

The guy was saying in some broken English, "We don't like that sort of thing here. We are a family restaurant. Families eat here. He don't wake – you don't eat. I kick you out." He pointed to a sign on the wall that said, "We reserve the right to refuse service."

"He's fine, he's just tired from a long drive. We just got into town."

Paulie pulled him to their table, cursing under his breath. Normally, the Mole would have left him back at the motel room. He didn't give a damn about anybody's health other than his own and Brandy's but in some weird way, he felt kind of obligated. He didn't know why, he just did. Maybe it was the whole Jedediah thing. He liked that kid, liked his gumption. So he kind of wanted to make sure his Papa was going to stay alive. Plus Todd always paid well.

Once they were seated, Todd slid way back against the wall into the booth, putting his feet up on the bench. Paulie hissed, "Don't nod off or we'll get kicked out and I don't want to get kicked out 'cause I'm fuckin' starving."

"I'm... not," Todd answered as his eyes closed beyond his control. He was jerked awake though by Paulie's voice. And something else. As he sat there listening to Paulie order, he thought he heard a familiar voice. A couple of voices. Kept trying to place them. Worried about getting caught here. Maybe it's a cop, maybe it's someone from the hospital or the Sun. Or the Banner. He sort of shrunk down, evoking some annoyance on Paulie's part. All at once, the voices achieved full-blown solid recognition. Todd froze, suddenly very with it. His high parted like the motherfucking Red Sea.

"Oh God," he mumbled.

Paulie creased his face when he noticed Todd blanch.

"What?" Paulie mouthed.

Todd swallowed and closed his eyes, shaking his head. God...God...

Paulie focused on something above Todd's head and Todd closed his eyes a moment. Then, he looked up very slowly and when he got to the top of the backrest, staring down at him was the most beautiful face he had ever known in his entire life. The angel smiled at him and said quietly, "Daddy."

Paulie moaned softly and headed off to the kitchen to pick up their order and get the hell out. No way was he going to get caught with Todd here. With yet another kid. This family was surrounding him like fuckin' weeds. He shuddered at the thought of that much family in one town. No wonder Manning was stoned out of his mind.

Todd couldn't answer nor could he believe how pain managed to break through this last blast of heron. But it did. Badly.

"Hey, Starr," he whispered, not moving his eyes from her.

"You hiding, Daddy?" She whispered back. "Can I hide with you?"

He shook his head, the tears wanting to come but not able to. An ache gnawed at him worse than the one he had felt with Téa. Worse than the soreness he would be feeling in his arms and the rest of his body when the high wore off. Worse than the pain of puking his guts out. Worse than anything he was doing to himself right now. He hadn't seen her since before he'd tried to kill himself. He long lost track of how many months had gone by.

"Awww Starr… oh God, I've missed you."

Starr's face got serious and she suddenly disappeared. Todd covered his face, not knowing what to do. Hoping it was a dream. When he dropped his hands, Blair was standing in front of his booth, a lot of hatred coming from her. A lot of questions on her lips. She was shaking her head at him.

"Great," she spat, "The whole city is looking for you and you're here in some goddamn restaurant having a grand ole' time. You bastard."

Todd tried to maintain his focus on her. "I'm on my way out," he said. "Everything's under control. Can I see Starr?"

Blair snapped her fingers in the direction of the other booth, obviously a command to her daughter to stay put. "Not until you tell me where you're staying and what the hell your plans are." She lowered her voice to a harsh whisper, "If...Starr weren't here...you would know just what I'm feeling right now." She stood with her arms crossed, covering herself. She was good at this, at masking her feelings. She was the queen of the cover-up. Just as good as I used to be, Todd thought.

He rubbed his face, wanting to disappear. He saw Paulie skip past Blair, nodding his head toward the door. Todd assumed he meant they would meet outside at the car. He assumed. Paulie wasn't exactly Mother Theresa. Todd realized he might be stranded out here. They weren't that far from the motel. He could walk. Maybe.

"Todd...answer me!"

"I can't. If I tell you...I won't...I... Please let me see Starr. Please...let me just see her…"

She was still whispering angrily at him. "You should have thought about that before you tried to kill yourself. You didn't care about her then. You didn't care about her feelings…" She bit down on her teeth to stop talking anymore. One more word and she was going to break down in a muddled combination of fury and devastation. She hadn't seen him in such a long time and what she saw now was simply...pathetic. His hair was damp and hanging down all over the place; it had gotten far too unwieldy. His clothes looked like he'd pulled them off some Salvation Army sale. Was that...a military jacket? He was unshaven and looked like he hadn't slept in days. You win, Todd, she thought.

You win right now, baby.

"Blair…"

"The hell is wrong with you? Are you drunk or something?"

Todd looked around, shaking his head, "No...just tired."

Blair sighed heavily, realizing it was pointless to argue with him. She really had no idea what exactly was going on with him. They had told her he had left the hospital. They had told her that he was severely depressed. That was it. She was kept out of the loop and it drove her nuts. "Starr, honey...come here," she finally said, unable to take the spacey look on his face or the sadness.

Momentarily, Starr bounded onto the bench and climbed onto Todd's lap. He held her to him so tightly that Starr squealed and then laughed aloud. The sound was so sweet and so perfect and so wonderful. Todd smiled widely and gave her a kiss. "Starr...my perfect Starr," he said softly, loosening his hold on her only slightly. She felt so good in his arms and if it were up to him, they would never leave this spot. Right here. In the middle of this wonderful Chinese restaurant, surrounded by the smell of fried veggies and rice and shrimp and chicken. Beneath red paper Chinese lanterns. Life was perfect this way.

Blair bit her lip and covered her eyes with her hand, tears coming without control. She couldn't cover this up. She slid into the booth on the other side of Todd and Starr. Sniffling.

"Daddy, what's your favorite Pokemon?!"

"My favorite what?" He pulled back, his eyes moving from her eyes to her nose and mouth, to her cheeks. To her ponytails. She wore a Cinderella tee-shirt with some pink leggings and some winter boots which didn't match at all. They were blue rubber with a yellow fur trim. He petted the fuzzy stuff. "Oh, Starr…" He hurt. In all the perfection of the moment, he hurt bad.

"Pokemon! Pokemon!"

"What did you ask me?"

"What's - your - favorite - POKEMON!"

Blair shushed her, "Starr...keep your voice down, honey…"

"What should it be?" Todd asked, smiling mildly at her, admiring her. Loving her. Oh...love. I feel that, he said to himself. I do. I do feel that.

"It should be Pikachu! He's the cutest one and he has electric shocks!" She then re-wrapped her arms around Todd and wouldn't let go. They were both quiet. Todd closed his eyes and Blair held her head in her hands with her elbows on the table.

"Are you coming home with us, Daddy? Mommy brought the big car and there's room in the back for you."

Todd shut his eyes even tighter and for a moment wished that God really existed and was actually capable of striking him dead in an instant. "I'd love to," he said. "I would...but…"

Blair stayed quiet. Staring at a flickering tea light on the table. Back and forth the flame bounced, reminding her of how they had been. She and Todd. Burning brightly at one time and then disappearing just as if a flame had been blown out. Poof. Blair gave Todd a cold stare after a few more seconds of listening to him fumble for an answer. "You're gonna turn her down, Todd? Your little girl's invitation to come home? Huh? Or do you have some...more pressing engagements?"

Todd continued to hold Starr to him – in turn, she wasn't releasing her own tight grip of him. She only whispered into his ear, "Come home with us, Daddy."

He was paralyzed, utterly paralyzed with love for his daughter and the prospect of being without that god-forsaken heroin. The prospect that in a few hours all the pain would come to him again. He would be him again. Well...if he can take the pain of being asked by the purest human being on earth to be with her and realizing that he wanted to say, no, then maybe he could take the other. Maybe. He tried to move Starr away but she only held on tighter, causing Todd to whimper with the hurt that continued to break through.

Across from him, Blair fought for self-control; fought hard the lashing she wanted to give Todd as well as the hug. The sound of his emotional suffering was always something that ripped her to shreds.

Starr finally pulled herself away from Todd, smiled at him, "I love you."

"I love you, too, Starr. More than anything in the whole world." They looked at each other, not wanting to go. He couldn't leave her. At least one night she should have. At least more than just stolen time in a crappy dining room. Just an hour maybe. Maybe? Todd finally looked over at Blair, "Ok. I'll come home with you. But don't tell...don't tell...anyone…"

Blair didn't understand him. She breathed out a heavy sigh. "You are such a bastard," she muttered.

Paulie waited for him after all in the parking lot. He wandered over to his car and Paulie lowered the tinted window a bit, "What's up?"

Todd said, "I'm gonna stay...with my kid...for a while...you go. I'll go back to the motel later."

Paulie nodded, "Sure. No problem. But here...you might want this." Paulie handed Todd a leather pouch and he knew instantly what was in it.

"Thanks...but...," Todd said, trying to decline the offer, his eyes clasping onto the little piece of heaven in Paulie's hand. The words of refusal, though, didn't exactly come out. It was like he was holding them by their tail in between his teeth.

"Hey...I'm not planning on showing anyone else how to bang any any dope tonight so...it's yours. I'll get the case later. There's a couple of packages of Death in there; the best fuckin' dope around. Cuban product."

"They grow poppies in Cuba?"

Paulie laughed, "Nah… Cuban-American importers. Why you gotta be so technical?"

Reluctantly, Todd then put took it and placed it into his jacket pocket on the inside. Paulie took off and Todd turned to Blair's car, Blair looking at him suspiciously from the driver's side open window. She had not been able to get the license plate off the ragged BMW and couldn't imagine who that was. Todd didn't have friends. Todd didn't associate with people. He climbed into Blair's black Mercedes, into the back next to Starr wrapped up now in her Cinderella coat. He took a deep breath and looked out across the chilled winter night. At least I have the princess with me, he thought. Both of them. He put his arm around Starr who kept staring at him. Kept saying, "Hi, Daddy."

The car jerked onto the road and Todd wondered how the hell he was going to make it through a night in Dorian's house? What the hell am I doing? He thought he smelled the woodsy scent of the spirit and could have sworn he heard her laughter.

He didn't know. He didn't know if he really could do this.

To be continued….