On the Edge of Wakefulness, Part 2
Chapter 10
Starr light, Starr bright. First Starr I see tonight.
Todd walked away from Dorian's house straight into the winter night, straight into a very real winter's snowfall. He had heard something about Bo coming in the morning to get him. To take him to the hospital…
Blair and Viki had stepped out of the bathroom, assuming Todd was completely asleep, but he wasn't. In his drugged state, as he dreamed hugs and the cooing of his mother's voice, as he swam in a blue sea with Starr and the little boy, as he embraced the deep warmth of chemical transport, he heard the hurried steps of Viki and Blair. His distinctly earth-bound self heard them leave the room and walk down the hallway, their hushed voices bouncing back to him. It was a matter of survival! The hospital… the hospital… Peter would come to him there… stronger, more real… and worse… he knew deep inside of him there was more history to dig up and he just couldn't do it. Not yet.
No, no, no, no… please don't show me any more.
He tore himself away from the visions, grabbing onto whatever he could to pull himself to his feet. He fell hard against the countertop and huffed at the sinking pain. It helped wake him, though. He drifted into the family room. Shook his head, trying to get straight, wasted effort. Starr was gone. The mess was there. Remainders of love. He stood in the center of the room, swaying. Noise moved him. He grabbed his jacket and wiggled into it while stumbling out the front door, leaving it open, but not before taking a quick glance up the stairs.
Starr, I am so sorry. So sorry.
The cold hit him good and helped clear the fog a little. He pulled his jacket tightly around him as he trudged through the already-fallen light snow. It crunched beneath his boots and he smiled sleepily at the sound, recalling brief instances of happiness with Starr. He remembered the first time Blair and he took her outside to show her the snow. How she wiped off her hands every time she touched it, saying repeatedly, "It wet, Mommy!"
It wet.
Todd put his hand out to catch the falling snow and tightened his fist around the flakes. It wet, Daddy. The snow isn't what it appears, is it baby girl? You think it's like cotton or like clouds you can glide through. Think you can scoop it up in a cup and take it home. Think it will be perfect in the morning like a piece of transported heaven. The morning comes though and what do you have? Dirty water. Nothing like what you had before.
It's so damned wet.
He caught snow in his mouth, tasting the white, the bits of heaven before they got ugly. Dirty. Thought of Starr's pretty face, her sweet eyes and her mouth which looked like his. A small voice picked at him, pick, pick… pick...
How could you do what you did? How could you possibly have done yourself up next to Starr? What if it had been her who had opened that door?
No matter...no matter. He felt alright anyway, heated from deep inside. Cruising warmth.
God...I am so sorry.
No matter. Needed to cut ties, right? Needed to keep her safe, yeah? He turned his head slightly to Blair's calling for him. He heard her fearful voice and ignored it. He knew she couldn't see him this far down the driveway so he kept tramping through the thin layer of snow. He wasn't too far from downtown, Llanview, but he was damn far from the China Moon Motel. He thought of finding Brandy. Maybe she was still working, maybe he'd run into her on the Boulevard or something. Maybe he should call Paulie. Yeah...maybe he should do that.
"TODD!"
One last effort to get him back, to drag him into the darkest fucking hell… the hospital. The door slammed shut after a minute and he kept walking. How ... how ... could he ... no matter ... no matter. It still felt good ... so good ... like the best kiss in all the world ... like the best love ... the best food, the best wine, the best... oh yeah ... oh hell yeah ... nothing was like this.
You wanted a kind of heaven. You wanted to knock yourself out because you are not worthy of Starr's devotion, of her infinite precious love.
Todd knew Viki would come looking for him so he walked a little quicker, not that he was sure he was actually walking any quicker. He was floating. Sure enough, before long, her car started heading down the street and he ducked into some bushes. Crouched down in that fine layer of snow beneath the leaves and the brush. Pictured a game of hide and seek with Starr. They used to love to do that, he and Starr in the back acre of Llanfair. No matter. No matter. The car passed him and then disappeared. It took a lot for him to move. He sat in the brush for what seemed like a long while, half-way sleeping, half-way dreaming, but something told him he better get out. So he did. He slowly crawled out, got to his feet, and started walking again. Getting colder and colder by the minute. Wetter. But so what?! He had all the heat he needed, heroin circulating through him, rushing through his veins...
Todd lifted his head to the sky and punched the sky, shouting, "Awww fuck you, you bastard! I have you beat. You hear me?! Oh yeah ... beat ... down to nothin' ... you ain't nothin' … You're so smart… so damn smart, Daddy. But you're not. Uh-uh...no way ... stupid ... stupid ... stupid. I found the answer ... I did ... and where I go ... you can't fuckin' touch me. You can't get anywhere near me. Hahaha ... ya' fuck."
He kept walking, on the street now, having stepped off the sidewalk at some point. Had no idea he was even in the street until he spied the broken white lines beneath the dusty snow, the asphalt. He just walked. And when he turned an eventual corner, a single headlight to a motorcycle flipped on, blinding Todd, getting him to come to a dead stop. Todd squinted at the light, putting his arm in front of him to shield the intrusion.
"What the..."
The engine turned on and slowly, the bike rolled toward him and then around him. Sliding right next to him. "Get on… Daddy."
"Oh motherFUCK," Todd grumbled, dropping his head, not wanting to look at Jedediah.
Jed smiled as big as he could, the biggest smile he had had in a long time. Chuckled at hearing Todd's voice; he couldn't help himself. He had called Todd's next move like fuckin' chess, man. He had known what Todd was going to do and that stoked him to no end! Back at Llanfair, a while earlier, Jed had heard the phone ringing. He'd hopped up and ran to Viki's room… could hear her conversation. From what she said, Todd was holed up at Dorian's house with Blair there. So Jed followed her, snuck out right behind her all the way to the house. He sat on his bike hidden in the thick shrubbery at the gate, waiting.
Something – instinct, common sense, pure intuition – told him that Todd was not going to stay there until morning. He was not going to leave with Viki or Blair or anybody else for that matter either. And sure enough, as predictable as "Old Faithful," Todd walked out the front door and padded his way down the driveway, talking to himself and playing with the snow.
"Are you gonna get on or would you rather freeze?" Jed asked.
"The hell are you doin' out here?" Todd asked, trying to rile up some anger but finding it damn near impossible with all that dope in his system.
Jed looked away, revving the engine, "Get on the bike, Pops. You aren't in any position to question me. Especially..." Jed laughed, "Especially as messed up are you are right now. This is bad." Jed was still chuckling.
Todd started walking. "Whatever… so sue me… arrest me," he said, fighting an intense desire to lie down in the bushes and sleep beneath the whitened leaves and branches. He wasn't seeing too well in the dark. He hadn't the foggiest notion of where the hell he was going. Didn't give two shits so long as he was getting away from the kid.
But it wasn't working.
Jed turned the bike around and walked it as slowly as Todd walked, Todd mumbling, "Get away from me. I don't have anything to give you." No matter...no matter. It feels so good this way. The best...the best.
"I'm not asking for anything," Jedediah said as he watched Todd, studying his long hair and increasingly wet clothes. Tried so hard to see the angel his mother saw and found that while it was hard to see one moment, in the very next it wasn't. Blessed angelic-ness popped up on Todd like a flashing neon sign. On...off...on...off. On. Off.
Mostly off.
Todd shut his eyes briefly at Jed's comment. Not asking for anything. There was that unconditional-sounding crap again and he couldn't handle it. He wanted it desperately, but facing it was too sweet, too good. It made his tongue ache. He did not deserve such love. That reality made him crave controlled love in a needle. Making him want to use no matter what. And if he could shoot up around Starr, then he would use around Jed if their connection got too real, too deep. He didn't want that and he suddenly felt anxious. Walked faster.
"Aw...come on, Todd. Look...I know what's up with you. Aunt Viki told me… and… and I'm cool with it."
Todd stopped walking, "Oh is that right? You're… cool …with it. You're just so… cool."
"Yeah I am. I even got connections for you."
"You what?"
"Connections. I got-"
"Shut-up, Jed. Don't even-."
"What's the matter? I mean, if you need to do this, hey I can help. I'll be your go-between." Jed smiled happily. Mock happiness. His feet pushed the bike along until he was face to face with his father..
Todd shook his head, thinking he was hearing things. What was Jed doing? What the hell was he playing at? Just playing. Jed was playing with Todd, messing with his mind. Playing psychologist. Todd looked directly at Jed who stared back at him, stony faced now.
So fine. Todd played back. Ok. Tried to play back. Still in the middle of the street, he started walking again. The sun was threatening to come out, but probably wouldn't for a while. Long winter's nights and all. The sky was still dropping snow. "You're kinda young," he rasped. "I mean...it's rough out there. You get caught ..." Todd stopped, not having the game in him right now, not able to think clearly. Everything floated in his head and he grunted softly at it. "I don't need your damn connections, little boy," he finally said. "Get the fuck outta here. Leave me alone… just… go away."
Jed looked away a second, continuing to ride alongside Todd. "I know what I'm doing," he said. "I'll help you. I'll watch your back. And you need it 'cause right now you're headed for the main highway to Philly. Is that where you wanna go?"
Todd stopped, looking around him, trying to see a street sign or something. Anything. He would have realized where he was eventually. This was just pissing him off. He then stared at Jed and the truth was, if it wasn't for his being so stoned, he would be wanting to die. Curled up in a corner of some room, rocking and lost. Either that or wanting to kill something. It was like he was watching his life from above, watching things unfold as if he was sitting atop a lifeguard's post. Watching but not doing anything about the flailing victim in the sea. He thought of Tim for a second, thought of being in the hospital. Thought of Téa, of his wanting to be wrapped up in her arms, tight, tight, tight. He did not recognize any of this. Then, like a boomerang, he thought of shooting up again.
No, not ever again. He had to stop. It was over after what he did at Dorian's.
But it feels so fucking good.
"I know where I'm going," Todd mumbled. "I ... uh ... was going to turn around. You got in my way..." He got frustrated, starting to talk a little louder, "Jed… why you talkin' shit to me?"
The game was over. Not that it ever really got going. "Everyone says they're letting you go," Jed said. "This is 'harm reduction'. 'Let him use drugs so he can feel in control'. They are not looking for you on purpose. I saw the cops over at Dorian's house… aren't you wondering why they didn't take you to jail, or the hospital? It's called harm reduction. They are waiting for you to go on your own. Well, I can't do that. I can't just stand by and wait."
Todd looked away. Harm reduction. So that's what all this was about. Téa letting him walk out of the Penthouse, nobody really searching for him. Even now… Viki gave up fast. Then those pamphlets, all that safety, where to get clean needles ... the "deal." He was being controlled like some chump. Trust them, they said. Trust that they will leave him alone. All bullshit, then. Playing with him. Like a fuckin' mouse in a maze. He shook his head, shaking off thoughts, and then said, "Maybe you should listen to them. Just consider me dead, ok? I'm not the father you want. I'm beat up … absent ... a whole lotta hell in a body... I'm just…beat up." He breathed out. "Go home, Jed."
Todd couldn't think of any other way to say it. Beat up. Punched, bruised. Abused. In pieces. Just like that plane of his...that broken red plane. No matter...no matter 'cause he had the Princess to love him now, he had peace in the form of a couple of syringes and watery heaven. That is… if he was going to use again which he wasn't. No… this was it. He'd go in, just like they all said. In a few days. But hell if he was going to do it now. Hell if he was going to chomp on the cheese like they want him to. He swallowed a rush of hurt, stupid stupid stupid hurt. Why did it hurt him?
Jed stared at the gauges on his bike. "Ok, so I don't understand. Fine. But there's something you should know...something..." Jed stopped. He'd planned on telling Todd about Michelle. About the possibility that she was alive. Oh yeah, and that whole Phillip-wanting-kill-him thing. But now he realized how silly it all sounded. How fantastical and childish. Plus in Todd's current state, the words most likely would be forgotten. Or send him into a meltdown.
"What?" Todd asked in a nasty tone.
"That I care about you. That… I don't want anything to happen to you."
Todd closed his eyes again only this time kept them shut. Blocking out the world. Let me stay with you, Mama, make me feel worth his concern… allow me to feel that. 'Cause right now I don't. Snow started falling again and all Todd could think about was captured brown water in a cup, captured filth. Jed shivered and pulled his jacket tightly around him, still regarding Todd. Kid was cold. Shit. Stubborn as his father.
So for Jed's sake, for the sake of getting the kid to shut his mouth, for the sake of getting someplace that was damned far away, Todd got on the back of his bike. "I'm not going to Viki's," he grumbled.
"Where do you want to go?"
"My motel. Other side of town. Take me there. Then you go home in the morning. You got me?"
Jed nodded, glad he was facing the front so Todd wouldn't see him grin. He started the engine and they sped away.
Todd opened the door to the motel room slowly, peeking in, which struck Jedediah as odd. But when they went inside, Jed saw why Todd had approached his own motel room with such care. Someone was curled up under the covers of the bed. Todd turned to Jed briefly and told him to be quiet, then headed to the kitchenette. Flipped on a low-level light. Jed closed the door behind him, seeing that it was a woman under those covers. Jed shivered with anxiousness as he looked around the small room. Near about giddy. He was with Todd. He'd found him. He'd called his moves. That had to mean something.
He smiled to himself, but stopped, not wanting Todd to know just how important this all was. As he took off his jacket, he saw Todd leaning over the sink in the kitchen, washing his face. Drinking water, sometimes spitting it out. A game. Jed watched Todd become contemplative over the softly running steamy water. He was playing with it; like the way he had been playing with the snow. Letting the stream splash onto his palm, opening and closing his hand. Trying to catch it. A lingering high.
Jedediah couldn't stop looking, entranced with the image, almost admiring it. I'm with my "Angel Daddy," he thought. Just him and me...and...her? Shrugging, he pressed his lips together to stop that inevitable smile from breaking out again. Yeah. Just the three of us. Whoever the hell she is. Todd shut the water off and stood there a few minutes almost as if he had forgotten that Jed was in the room.
Jed cleared his throat and ambled over to the ratty couch where he began to take off his combat-style boots. He figured he'd sleep here. There was a quilt. He didn't need much. Never did. Todd, glancing at Jed momentarily, walked to the edge of the kitchenette and kneeled down, opening a bag and pulling out some clothes. Standing up, Todd let his jacket fall to the floor and yanked off his shirt. He studied it a moment. Shrugged and tossed it to the side. He hopped up onto the counter and pulled off his boots with some difficulty. Kicking them off at last. He then just sat there, sort of in his own world, spacing out. Stared at nothing. The whole thing was such a fascinating contrast to when he last saw Todd ranting over the horrible experience with Georgie Phillips, seeing her get gang-raped.
Todd leaned over to pick at some left over food on a paper plate and when he did that, Jedediah saw a rather imposing tattoo on his shoulder blade that occupied much of his back: a detailed black and grey rendering of the "Grim Reaper." It was all there, the cloak, the scythe, the ever-grinning skull with gleaming eyes. Complex artwork. There was another tattoo in the form of a star on his upper arm – more colorful – more hopeful.
The Reaper held Jed's attention, though.
Jedediah curled up on the couch, shuddering with a blast of cold that came from nowhere. Maybe it came from reality. The Reaper tattoo reminded him solidly of Todd's raging, of Satan. His heroin calm would not last… and this truth logically brought Jed to the conclusion that he should pack himself up and run, not walk, out of this sleazy motel. But he couldn't. No...he was going to watch out for Todd. He was going to watch his back and save him from himself.
Yeah.
Todd slid off the counter and pulled on another shirt. Pulled off his jeans and slipped into some sweats and socks. He then stood again and leaned back against the counter, looking over at Jed. "Now… I know that Kevin doesn't know you're here," Todd said, his voice ragged. Jed knew enough about drugs to know it was the heroin that did that… made his voice scratchy.
"Nope."
"I bet nobody knows where you are."
"Nope again. For the record, I don't live with Kevin. I'm staying with Viki."
"Why?"
"Just the way it is."
Todd eyed Jed a little more. "Then even more you oughta call her. I don't wanna be accused of ... somehow..." Todd looked down at his socked feet. Fuck, he had on different colors again. What the hell was with this mismatching business? Black and blue like his pierced veins, yeah? Hahahaha….. Fuck. "I don't want to be accused of kidnapping you or something ... or somehow ... corrupting you," he spat out. Sudden blinking thoughts of Starr intruded and he huffed with anxiety. The high was fast loosening its hold on him. A sandpaper feel scraped up his spine at Starr… at the here and now...
"That isn't going to happen. I mean… they'll just think I've… split..." Jed studied his fingernails. They'll just think he'd been murdered by Phillip and left to rot. Maybe he better let them know that he's breathing. Maybe Todd was right.
Todd shook his head, "'You better call someone. Like now."
Jed controlled a sprouting smile again. Todd acted like a father. Yeah, just a tiny bit. Maybe he wouldn't use anymore. Maybe being with Jed would make Todd understand that the drug was really bad for him and he would come home. The two of them could work through this thing together. Yeah, that'd be great. Jed nodded and said, "Alright, alright." He got up and walked to the mini-kitchen, Todd watching him as he approached. He lifted the phone off its cradle and handed it to Jed.
Jed came down a little from his dream when he lifted his eyes to Todd's very cold stare. Yeah, Jed thought, nothing like being shoved off your cloud of fancy. Nothing like seeing up close and personal… a lurking deep… cruelty. Not taking his eyes off Todd, Jed dialed Viki's number and heard her fearful voice answer to which he said, "Uh...Aunt Viki..."
"Jedediah! Where are you?! I've—" Todd could hear her voice and closed his eyes at a sharp longing to see her again. He breathed rough and saw too easily her hands and her bracelet and the limitless patience she had with him. He looked over at Brandy on the bed, the rising and falling of the blanket with her delicate breaths. Jed's voice drifted behind him. All he saw was the whore. His sister... his mate in this hell. He needed someone right now. He needed someone to make up for what he did tonight, for showing the whole world just how screwed up he was. Two nothings, getting warm. Blair was going to make him pay for what happened at Dorian's. She'd really cut him off now. She'd have good reason for keeping Starr away if he asked. He ignored a quiet yearning for Téa again. To take from her.
Too good...too perfect. Shhhhh. You don't deserve it.
"I'm safe...don't worry," Jed finally said, hanging up fast and turning quick to the couch. He did not want to see that icy look in Todd's eyes anymore. Pulling out some courage, though, he had to ask. "Um...when'd you get that tat? The one on your shoulder? It's sort of unusual."
Todd didn't answer for a second or two too long. Eyes on the woman in the bed. He glanced at Jed before he said, "This isn't camp. You're not staying with me. You have to go back in the morning."
Jed scratched his chest, where the words had hit him. And it showed on his face. "You can't make me do anything I don't want to," Jed said. "I'm not leaving."
Todd rubbed his face, then grumbled, "God damn it… you promised. I took your help and you promised..."
"I lied. So what? What are you going to do? Throw me out? Call the cops? So they can arrest both of us? I'm not leaving you. You need help."
Brandy had since woken up and was sitting up on the bed listening now. She chewed on her lip and leaning back against the cold wall. She pulled up the blanket.
"Yeah… I can do that," Todd said quietly. "I definitely can call the cops because I'm cool with jail… but you… they'd take you down for drug possession and guess what… prison'd fuckin' eat you alive. Don't make me tell you what would happen to you."
"I'd survive."
Todd said nothing for a second, hit by the concept of survival. What a damn joke that was. He was a real case for survival. He also knew Jed was calling him on his bluff. He would throw himself in front of a train before he would ever submit Jed to prison. Although Starr would disagree – she'd point to Dorian's blood-stained couch as evidence contrary to Todd's proclamation of parental sacrifice. He'd been real quick to protect her tonight. Real quick to insulate her from his hell.
"I can leave you here, you know," Todd then argued. "There are plenty of places to hide out at… plenty of 'em." He sighed and rubbed his hair back, tiredly. Shivered with cold. Thoughts of his night at Dorian's kept nibbling at him, squeaking in his ear like a rat. Biting him. Starr ... that girl of his. Her tiny, perfect loving arms around his neck. Go with the high, keep it here...don't let it slide away.
"Yeah? How are you gonna get there? Walk?"
"Jed ... I need to deal with all this crap on my own, understand? You're still a kid. I can't take care of you ... I can barely take care of myself." Todd paused. "Correct that… I can't even take care of myself."
"Look, you don't know me at all. You don't need to take care of me. I spent half my life on my own. I—"
"The hell are you talkin' about? You have a great family. Maybe they didn't tell you the truth about your mom but they cared for you. They didn't ... they didn't hurt you."
Jed's whole energy darkened in that low-lit room. Yeah, yeah, Todd had him on that point. But HURT comes in all kinds of colors. "Like I said… you don't know me. I don't consider them my family, never have. It was always me and my mom. When she died, I checked out of the Beatrice Chant cotillion and never went back. Sure I slept there sometimes ... but I wasn't there. I was on my own."
At that moment, Brandy said softly, "I'm happy to take care of both o' you..." Todd and Jed looked over at her, Todd looking sort of sad at her. Jedediah looked full of questions.
"I'm sorry, Jed," Todd murmured. "Doesn't change shit. You can't stay here."
Brandy got up, wearing a very worn, very long sweatshirt which hung on her small frame. Her long hair was pulled into a loose ponytail, tied with a cloth band. She had some thick wool socks on that emphasized her thin bare legs. Jedediah got embarrassed all of a sudden, realizing he had forgotten about the girl in his overall analysis of things. How could he stay with Todd when he was living with some woman? Jedediah felt like he'd been smacked against concrete, breathing out a soft curse word.
"You came back," Todd said softly. "Thought you were… working."
"I was tired tonight… and kinda worried about you, baby. Paulie said you left the Chinese place."
She walked up to Todd and touched his face, Jed noticing that she did so with great hesitation, sort of pulling back her hand at the last minute before deciding to go for it. Like she was afraid of him. Jed saw a fading bruise on her face and looked at Todd. Swallowed hard. What if…? He had said back at the hospital that he had punched his wife. So maybe he hit this girl. Jed breathed out hard, his palms suddenly wet. Yeah, he never forgot Satan.
Todd said to her, his voice quiet. "There isn't any point worrying 'bout me. You just take of yourself … I'm not anybody to be worried after."
The two gazed at each other meaningfully for a moment and she soon dropped her hand, turning to Jed, "So who be this young thing you brought home? Looks like a stray puppy!"
Todd looked away and Jedediah got cocky, saying, "I'm not that young and I sure as hell ain't no pup. Who're you? My dad's chick?"
Brandy glanced at Todd, "Oh my God… this your boy, baby?!"
Todd rolled his eyes and leaned back against the counter, wishing for a damn strike of lightening. How the hell did this all happen to him? He nodded, "Yeah ... and sorry, Jed, you are a pup."
"Jed's your name?"
"Short for Jedediah," he said.
"Aww ... tha's real nice. Real beautiful." She smiled, eyes shining.
"Um… so who are you?" Jed asked.
Brandy was about to say something but Todd grabbed her arm, saying to Jed, "None of your goddamn business. Go lie down on the couch. Go to sleep. Turn around so you can't see me."
"I'm not going to sleep, daddy. We're not done."
"Yeah, we're done. And I'm not your daddy. You're going home… in the morning."
"I am not!"
Todd growled, his head down, a slight tremble to his longish hair, and Brandy tried to pull away… but Todd only locked his hand on her arm tighter. Suddenly,he shouted, "Shut up with that! Jed ... don't... don't... fuck with me!"
Satan had arrived… the high… was done. Jed got to his feet.
Brandy hushed Todd, kind of turning toward him while still being restrained by him. Jed flashed a look of concern and Todd pushed at Brandy, pushed her hard enough for her to have to grab at a chair. Jed jerked at that, but Brandy waved him away. Todd wasn't leaning on that counter anymore, he was on his feet and covering his face and groaned in aggravation. He then looked at Jed again, pointing a shaking finger at him, "I can't be with you! Don't you GET IT?! I'm fucking poison!" There was nothing worse than anger tearing through chemical bliss; like the Grim Reaper on a Harley ripping through the fog on a dark road.
Jed shook his head, arguing that he wasn't going anywhere while Brandy tried to soothe Todd, reaching her hands out, reaching to him and saying, "No, that ain't true, baby...that ain't true...you sure ain't poison...who done told you that?"
"I guess you're gonna have to call the cops, then," Jed said. "Just do it."
Brandy then added, "Oh, he won't do that, sweetie pie… will you, baby… your boy just loves you is all..."
In the midst of the noise, Todd broke again, yelling and moving too aggressively toward Brandy, "SHUT-UP, WOMAN! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Brandy raised her shoulders and her hands part-way like she was about to be hit and scurried back to the bed. Jed jumped hard at that, thinking, knowing, believing his father had hurt her and that… that was just wrong. He stepped right up to Satan, getting close to his face, growling, spitting angry, "Don't hold back, Daddy… why don't you hit me 'cause I'm the one you're mad at… for catching you… for cornering you in your drug den. Don't take it out on her… try me. Why don't you FUCKIN' TRY ME?!"
Someone next door pounded on the wall, distracting Jed, and Todd looked down at that, putting his hand up to quiet Jed, to try to gain control not of himself but of Jed. This kid had no idea what he was doing. He had NO IDEA. He looked directly at his son, the one who so obviously wanted to be here. Who so believed that there was a way to connect with Todd even if at the moment Jed looked like he was ready to punch Todd's lights out. But through it all, Todd knew Jed wanted to be with him because closeness sometimes comes in the form of hate and violence.
"Jed… I'm not gonna hit anybody, especially you."
"That so? Is that why she's so scared of you? Huh? HUH?" With that, Jed pushed at Todd's chest hard with both hands. Egging him on. "I don't believe that you didn't hit her. I don't believe you!"
Jed pushed at Todd again, strong puppy shoves, but Todd grabbed Jed's wrists and held them tightly, gazing back at the fuming boy who tried to fight off the iron grip and through the hazy anger, it made him so sad. It was so familiar. It was that little boy in Todd's dreams, disillusioned. So very disappointed. Todd was Peter this time around. What if he wasn't high? What would he do? Would he hit the kid? Would he have smacked him across the mouth for being so nervy? Satan had told Todd in his visions that he was going to do to Starr what Peter had done to him. Staring at Jed, he couldn't help but wonder whether he would in fact abuse Jed. He then concluded that if it were not for the relatively soothing effects of heroin, the answer was, yes. Holding Jed's wrists in his hands, Todd said to himself, you damn straight, I'd probably beat the shit out my own kid. Fuck him up but good. The thought cut through Todd like a bayonet.
He let go of Jed gruffly. Pushed the kid back.
Jed then said in a soft wounded voice, rubbing his wrist, "I knew you were lying. I knew that. You hit her."
"I'm not lying."
"She's scared of you."
"Because she's a whore, Jed. She's been beaten and hurt repeatedly by men like me. But not by me."
"You didn't hit her."
"No. Doesn't mean I'm not capable of it… just ask Téa." Todd glanced at Jed's wrists. "Just ask yourself whether I'm capable of it. But her? No, I didn't do anything."
Jed was quiet, now. Cooling his heels at Todd's own calm. They were both quiet for a bit. Brandy had curled up on the bed, quiet, too. Not even a sniffle. Nothing. She was actually… completely and utterly… unaffected.
"You wanted to know about the Reaper... where I got it from," Todd said softly. "From prison... from a lifer who had no hope, like me. Who ... when he met me ... said I was 'Death'. Looked at me and said he knew I'd be back only next time it would be for life, with real blood on my hands. And he was right except for one thing. I never went to jail for what I did. Instead ... I got to pay with my soul. I am condemned." Todd glanced away a second. "I don't have anything to give you."
With tears in those innocent eyes of Jed's, tears he didn't know he had, Jed said, "But...I don't want anything. I want to give to you... to help you... so you can come home..."
"You don't understand... there isn't any place to keep what you could give me. It runs right through...through all the holes I'm covered with. You're reaching out to… to nothing."
Jed wiped his nose and eyes and shook his head, saying, "Don't say that... don't. The fact that you're here... that you're not dead... that has to mean something?!"
"Like what? It says I don't have the insides to kill myself off permanently. That takes courage… guts… neither of which I have." Todd gave Jed an eerie smile. "You want to know what happened tonight? You want to know what my 'not being dead' means?"
Jed dropped his gaze to the dirty carpet at his feet.
"I was with Starr. My beautiful... baby girl." Todd looked into the dark of the motel room instead of at Jed. As if Jed wasn't there. "I spent hours with her... in front of her TV, listening to her talk, letting her..." Todd got emotional for an instant, "Letting her love me. She thought I could take it. I thought I could keep it ... and that maybe in the morning I would go to the hospital again. I actually thought that, thought while I sat there with her ... that I would never use again. That I would heal… like my cuts. And she thought I was really there ... just like before. She had her 'daddy' with her again. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't handle being with her. So I shot up. Walked into a bathroom and did it. It doesn't matter. Thank God it lasts... thank God I can't really feel what I did to my own daughter. It's in my head… I know what I did… but I can't fuckin' feel it. I put everyone at risk, her mother...her Aunt... by bringing dope into my girl's only home. While I talk to you right now ... all I want is to do myself up again. Go back to that space of salvation. Tell me what kind of person that is, Jed? Someone deserving of kids? Of ... real love?"
"You need help...Todd..."
Todd smiled bitterly. "Now I'm 'Todd'," he said. "What happened to 'Daddy'?"
Jed shook his head, not knowing what happened to it.
Todd chuckled then said gently, "There's no helping me because I don't wanna be helped. I wanna be here. I want NOT to feel anything anymore. I don't WANT to live with the possibility that I could hurt you, Téa ... Starr... nobody. I don't want to live with who I AM anymore."
"What about your...girlfriend? Aren't you afraid to hurt her?"
Todd glanced over at Brandy who was lying quietly on her side, just listening. Todd smiled at her a little, eyes on her as he talked. "Brandy? She can't be hurt any more. It's all been done to her. We're brother and sister nothings. One nothing... can't really hurt another. Two zeros... make... zero."
"So this is it? There's no saving you? You're just going to spend the rest of your life... a heroin addict?"
"You obviously aren't listening to me ... I'm nothing ... I'm a non-being ... I'm your Grim Fuckin' Reaper. Death personified. An addict implies human traits, LIFE. Jed ... I'm sorry. I know what you're looking for 'cause I was too once but there's nothing here for you. NOTHING."
Jed looked away, not bothering to stop the very unmanly tears that were rolling down his cheeks all too freely. There was no describing the depth of hurt he felt at this very moment. The feeling of being rejected by the one person he thought could understand him. By the one person who loved his mother as much as he did... a person who remembered her the way he did. Better even. This was his father and Jed felt tossed into the snow like that pup he swore he wasn't, being thrown out for not being empty enough, for not being dead enough, for having hope and having fanciful thoughts and for being alive. Jed turned and lay down on the couch. Curled up under the quilt. Didn't dare sniffle, didn't make a sound. He ate the tears that fell into his mouth.
Hope. What was hope in the face of emptiness? What does it look like?
Todd shut off the kitchen light after some minutes of agonized quiet. He then crawled into the bed with Brandy. Jed heard Todd and Brandy adjust themselves under the sheets. Heard Brandy shushing Todd. Whispering to him in the heavy dark.
Jed closed his eyes and dozed a little, drifting in his own woundedness. Even dreaming. A noise woke him. He looked around the blue-ish room… the edges of light fighting to get inside. He saw movement beneath the covers on that bed. Heard the twin nothings share their nothingness in the form of wordless wet affection, the slide of skin on skin, and then a cringing unmistakable rhythmic rustling of bed linens and matching breaths that concluded in one silent choked grunt. Then a hard sigh and then total quiet.
From his place of loneliness, Jed studied the clock on a bed table, studied its blurry red numbers, watched time click along. As night ended, he felt his sadness fade, saw the numbers clarify and before long a reliant stubbornness overtook him.
Once dawn arrived in that lightening room, in that ugly motel room, Jed saw what he needed to see: Todd clinging to a messed-up Brandy as if the end of the world was coming. The Reaper grinned in the shadows, the blankets having slipped off their bodies. She was tucked compactly into his arms, her back to him, and her head beneath his chin. Both were asleep, both naked and raw, both wearing distinct expressions of non-peace. The end of the world was coming.
And that proved to Jedediah that indeed Todd was alive because only the living fear Armageddon. Fuck, yeah. Hope. Jed smiled to himself and bundled himself up even more tightly in the quilt.
Sometimes, the Grim Reaper ain't quite so grim.
To be continued...