On the Edge of Wakefulness, Part 2
Chapter 11
Todd kneeled on the floor next to Jedediah and studied his sleeping son sprawled on the couch, the quilt having long since been kicked off. Todd tried to memorize the young stranger, learn something about him… although in a way, he already knew this kid. He thought about Jed's running into him on the street, insisting on following him – thought about their argument, recalled the feel of the kid's wrists in his hands. Todd looked at his own hands, knowing he could have really hurt him.
I keep throwing you away and yet… there you are. What do I have to do to make you understand?
So familiar...so damned familiar.
Love and forgiveness. Listen to it...feel that. Breathe that. Take what they offer you.
Shaking off the tingling brushes of the spirit, he shut his eyes and ears and nose to her essence. You're wrong… I don't want anybody… I can't take what they want to give. Especially not from Jed or Starr. When he opened his eyes again, he could see the spirit's purity in Jed's trust, in his gentle breathing, in the way he didn't move, in the way he had his arms and legs spread apart. His lips had parted…
The boy could be hurt easily.
He got to his feet. Stood tall and darkly above the kid. Rested a heavy closed fist on Jed's chest… moved it up to his throat. He wanted to pull back… and punch the shit out of him to teach him not to trust like this. Teach him to wake if a man laid a hand on his sleeping form. A few knocks would indoctrinate him to the dangers of sleeping soundly in a strange motel room with a strange man and woman, people he didn't know at all. Jed had no idea how vulnerable he was. A low sound rumbled in the base of Todd's throat.
Stupid, stupid...stupid.
He loves you. You are just as trusting as he is, just as pure, just as innocent. It's all still inside of you.
No... all that was stolen from me...ripped out of me… cut away. I will never be that vulnerable again.
Todd squatted, whispered to Jed, "You're not doing too good a job at watching over me. Wake up… wake up." Jed didn't stir. Then Todd said provocatively, "I'm gonna go shoot up now... ok? You ought to wake up and stop me." Jed still slept, evoking a small sad smile from Todd. The boy's complete obliviousness to Todd's presence was amazing. By this time in Todd's life… the slightest thing would stir him awake. A little more and the person would be knocked on his ass. He'd done it to Téa. More evidence of Jed's never having been tampered with in sleep, at night or whenever. Todd blew a puff of air on the boy's face to see if he would rouse, but he didn't. Todd smiled again despite himself, despite his urge to not want Jed to be so trusting. For his own good. For his own safety. It was all he could do... to do nothing. To not teach him a lesson he'd not forget.
Thank God. Thank God. No one has touched you, no one has hurt you. Thank God.
Continuing his examination, Todd could see a bit of Michelle in his face and a bit of himself, too. The boy's skin was still relatively soft – facial hair most likely able to be shaved off easily. And Jed wasn't finished growing – he was skinny, but did have the bone structure for a lot more muscle. Sort of like Todd had been at sixteen.
No, that was not true.
Todd turned around abruptly and sat on the floor, his back against the couch, knees up. He was wrong. At sixteen, he had a lot more muscle. In fact, he'd spent years lifting weights to impress Daddy, to be able to rage successfully on the football field.
To be able to rape a girl effectively and powerfully, and to fight Peter… and not fucking lose. Ever.
Todd didn't know what to do about Jedediah. About himself. This was such a mess. The worst part… the absolute worst… was that he was dying to use again. Right now. The craving to get high was overpowering. He fisted his hands and pressed at his eye sockets. Breathed in slowly. His imagined that glorious rush, being fired into peacefulness like a cannon in a circus. He pictured the stick into his arm of that precious needle… pushing down on the plunger. Controlled love. Death to his hell. He breathed fast, eyes open again. It was all so real. He could feel everything.
But...no. Not with Jed here. Not after last night. God, no, not after last night. I'm so sorry, Starr. Okay… so his one time had turned into too many to remember. It had been weeks now. He was through. He learned his lesson last night. His little binge on heroin was over. His veins would appreciate that, but his mind didn't. Not one bit.
He made a commitment. No more. No more. He... promised.
Todd glanced at the clock. 9:00 a.m. Brandy was sleeping, too. Unlike Jed, she had stirred when Todd moved to get out of bed. Opened her eyes fully at his pulling away from her. Seeing her wake up, he had put his hand roughly on her head and grumbled, "Go back to sleep." She nodded and closed her eyes, opening them a few more times like she was checking to be sure he wasn't going to attack her and then closed them one last time as he entered the bathroom with his bag of clothes. Yeah, he knew the feeling. Gotta check. Gotta make sure the monster is really out the door.
Brandy, his sister nothing, his zero-girl. After his unceremonious thrashing of Jed, Todd had gotten into the bed and immediately grabbed onto her, pulling her tightly to him. Listened to her breathy whispers and her willingness to "love" him, a constant offer because that's all she was good for, that's all she knew to do. Todd was empty inside and pulled off his shirt and sweats and lay back to let her do it… and held onto her as if he was hanging onto the side of a rocky cliff… held on while she used her spit-upon-hand. If he couldn't get high again, he'd lose himself in an orgasm. A new thing for him. Yeah, under those sheets, in a dark room, familiar, familiar. She did it to calm him because that's what you do to raging hateful men. He shut his eyes at such instinctual knowledge. They tried to stay quiet… oh so quiet so nobody will know what we do in this room… because his kid was sleeping on the couch. He stared into the dark and the ceiling, imagining the fan and the hanging plane. Tried not to imagine those things, tried to make it all so fucking normal. His body took over like rote and he moved his hips and grunted at the less-than-adequate high of coming into her hand. Memories mocked him afterwards as she rubbed the wetness into his skin, memories slithered in and around their bodies, preventing Todd from doing anything more like Brandy wanted.
Wanna fuck, baby?
I can't do that.
So yeah, Todd held on like hell to Brandy because he needed to be "loved." Love. Téa would love him – Téa would let him hold her – maybe even be with her…in a sexual way. She kept telling him to take from her, to let her love him. And in that dark he knew he wanted to, wanted it badly. But not in his current condition. No way. Brandy was all he deserved. A fellow whore, a fellow nothing.
I'm done. It's over.
Todd got up from the floor at that last thought and threw on his jacket over his t-shirt and jeans. Pulled on his boots. He picked up a pack of cigarettes off the dining table along with some matches and grabbed the telephone next to the bed. He pulled the phone outside and shut the door, the cord preventing it from closing all the way. He sat down on the step and leaned back against the wall with the telephone in his lap. Craving a hit, he shivered in the morning cold, snow still lying around in spots here and there. Heaven was in the room, he reminded himself. In his bag – the dope, the syringes, the cotton filters. He rubbed his hair back and licked his lips with blistering desire. The unsatisfied want made him edgy. Everything made him edgy and he wished like hell Jed had gone home already.
He lit a match and watched it burn, seeing how long he could hold it. Only lasted five or six seconds. Lit another. Watching the easy flickering flame, he remembered the game of chicken his father used to play, the way he would hold Todd's palm over the ignited lighter. What an asshole. One time, Todd took that son-of-a-bitch lighter and burned what had to be important papers in his father's office. Sat at the massive desk and one by one lit legal-looking documents on fire. Watched each one burn then would drop the fiery thing into the trash can. He loved the smell of the smoke, the hotness of the fire.
That smoke is what got him a good beating later on. Whoa Peter had been pissed. It wasn't the loss of the documents though – it was the fact that Todd had gotten to his stuff and done wrong in that personal space. The office smelled like arson for weeks. Todd got a thrill every time he walked by – made up for the bruises, for the taste of black and grey cooled ash that Peter had shoved into his mouth as punishment.
He lit a cigarette and slowly smoked it. Watched the white drift into the air, disappearing. There were no cars on the road this morning. He figured it must be Sunday or something or a holiday then realized that he had no idea what day it was, not the day, the date or even the month. December. December? January. One big blur. He missed the holidays. A birthday.
With a sniffle and the cigarette hanging out of his mouth, he dialed Viki's number. Once the ringing started, Todd held the phone to his ear by his shoulder, so he could play with the cigarette. With the matches.
"Hello?" Her voice sounded anxious, laced with tiredness. Todd almost hung up as her voice always made him feel weak.
"Jedediah?" she asked when there was no answer.
"Knew you people couldn't control him," Todd finally said. "If you want something done right… y-you gotta do it yourself."
"Todd," Viki said, sighing heavily. Repeated his name.
"Don't wear it out."
"Sweetheart, Jedediah's with you, isn't he? He just kept saying he was safe."
"Mmm… lemme see… is he wearing faded blue jeans?"
Viki let out a breath of relief and went along with Todd's game. "Yes," she said.
"An old leather jacket with… what are those… combat boots?" Todd flicked the cigarette and watched the ash fall to the ground, sucking on it some more. Lit a match and watched the flame. Passed it across his raised palm until it burnt down to his fingers. His breath caught. He tossed the dead match.
"Sounds right," Viki said.
"Does he have a backpack? For carrying...god-knows-what?"
"Yes."
"Ok… a kid matching that description's in my room, passed out on the couch."
"Thank you."
"For what? When he wakes up, he's gonna hate me. He's gonna go running home with his tail between his legs."
"Where are you?"
"Uh-uh," he said. "You don't need to know where I am."
"Let me come there."
"You tracing this call?"
"No."
"Doesn't matter anyway."
"Todd, let me come there to bring him home."
"Nah. He has a bike. He can get home on his own."
"Todd..."
"What… what?"
"Jedediah wants to be with you – I don't think he's going to come home on his own – let me come there to talk to him."
"I can't do that."
"Well he can't stay with you. I'm concerned about that. I am very concerned about… what he might see around you."
Todd inhaled the smoke off that cigarette, hearing Viki's words. He glanced across the highway at a car flying by and imagined himself beneath it. "You're concerned about Mr. Cool? About Mr. 'Harm Reduction'? Mr. 'It's Okay that Todd Uses Drugs Cause I Got Connections'? Don't worry about him, Sis… he's seen plenty. I doubt very highly anything he 'sees around me' will be much of a shock."
"We've been leaving you alone," Viki tried to explain, "to give you some breathing room."
"Oh that's a good way to put it. 'Breathing room'. Cut the shit... you've all been watching me like a rat in a maze ... waiting to see when I would screw up so you all can ship me off to the hospital or jail. 'Love' ... 'breathing room' ... what a bunch of crap."
"That's not true," Viki said gently.
Todd hid in anger from her kindness, firing back, "Yes it is! You were dying to have me committed last night. That's why I left. I wasn't gonna hang around for that to go down – no, thank you."
"No, you don't understand—"
"I understand plenty. More than you know. 'Harm reduction' is such fucking bullshit. You're all laughing at me. Look at him run..."
Neither said anything for a while, but Viki got emotional. She couldn't help herself. Tried to cover it up. As usual, she had tried to reach out to him to save him from himself but he kicked her, growled at her, like a dog on the side of the road. Hit by that passing car. He had rejected help from every outreached hand and was continuing to reject it. Yet at the same time he was screaming for it. It's what he wanted! Ever the "catch-22" with him. Ever the impossible challenge. Viki then went for his throat, regaining herself, blowing her nose delicately: "Todd… we have to deal with Jedediah. I want you to put aside our conflict for now and focus on your son."
He was so weak when it came to his kids. He snapped at her again, "The way I focused on Starr? So you can catch me?"
"I don't want to talk about that right now."
"Why not?"
"Because it's over... because Starr never saw anything and she's very safe. With Jedediah, though – we have a much more serious problem – much more urgent."
"And what's that?" Todd asked sarcastically.
She paused. She was going to tell him about Phillip then changed her mind. "The fact that he's a truant. The fact that he rejects all authority and lives according to his own rules even when it places him at serious risk. He's only sixteen."
"So? Lots of kids do that… he's tough. He's got a lot of Manning in him. Believe me he's fine on his own. Makes me damn proud." He took a long drag off his cigarette, tasting the nicotine, thinking… smoking is such a bad habit. Almost laughed.
"Todd, he needs to be protected. He might be tough, but he's still just a boy. He has to come home – you cannot keep him with you."
"What, you think I want him with me? He won't fucking LEAVE. What do you expect me to do?"
"I want to talk with him."
Todd exhaled in an irritated fashion then tamped out his cigarette on his wrist, barely flinching. "I'll have him call you," he said, tossing the cigarette aside, putting his tongue on the burn spot. He then chuckled, "He doesn't listen to me, though. I told him to go home last night... I told him to go home a bunch of times in lots of different ways and he gave me the finger instead. Who the hell raised him?"
"He raised himself."
"Well...maybe he needs to learn a lesson."
"What do you suggest we do?"
"Tie him up… beat him up… lock him in a closet, the basement. Then have some real bastard rape the shit out of him… that'll..." Todd breathed out, closing his eyes.
Viki didn't respond for a few moments, Todd not even noticing, suddenly thrust into his fears of hurting Jedediah, of remembering how his own father treated misbehavior. Ghosts all over, come alive, yes siree... He grunted, real physical pain firing through this body. He dropped his head, sweat at the back of his neck. Swallowed hard.
"Those things don't teach a boy to respect much, do they?" she finally said, her voice pulling Todd out of his knee-jerk reverie.
"No," he said softly.
A few more seconds passed and she then asked, "Sweetheart, is he safe with you? I know he can get sort of mouthy. Are you alright?" Her words took some time to get clear, his processing suddenly slow. She sounded worried, he realized. Hesitation in her voice. She didn't really want to ask what she was asking, but she had to know. He wasn't sure what to say. He really didn't know the answer.
"What do you mean...by 'safe'?" he asked, his voice decidedly different, Viki knowing he had bumped up against his fragile limits of stability.
Carefully, she said, "Safe – physically, emotionally... is Jed safe?"
He was quiet a few moments. "I … uh... haven't raped him, or hit him," he said, his words deliberate, lazy.
"I know you wouldn't do those things."
He sniffed, then said more firmly, more together, brought back to earth again, "No, Sis, you don't know... you don't know that at all. Otherwise you wouldn't be asking. You don't trust me. You think I'm as bad as Peter... and maybe I am."
"No, that's not why I asked. I thought your mentioning the things Peter had done to you – that maybe you were trying to tell me something – that's all. I don't want to miss anything."
Todd leaned over and pushed the door open to see inside the room. Although he couldn't see Jed from the step, the room was quiet. No bathroom water running, no T.V. They were still asleep, it seemed. Still peaceful. Still trusting. He closed the door again as much as was possible. "Well, you're not wrong to be asking. He and I had an argument last night… he pushed me, I mean… physically pushed me. He's a real shit, you know, so I grabbed his hands to stop him. I... I... got scared. He's still scrawny, you know."
"I see. But of course, as I know you, you did not hurt him."
"No... you don't see at all." Todd suddenly got upset, it was too real. It was too likely. "I gotta go," he said, his words catching. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."
Use the Princess. It feels so good, so damned good. I wanna go back... I am safe there, he can't get to me there.
"Todd, don't hang up, please. Come home. Let me help you. You will be very safe here. I understand what you're going through. I went through it, too. I KNOW – I understand. Please... please..."
For a brief instant, he thought of giving in to her pleas. Thought of calling his Doctor Graham and... and... then he looked at the burns. Hopeless. Back to your old tricks, he said to himself. No… no… I prick myself with a needle now. I make myself throw up in pretty and ugly bathrooms alike and bleed out on ivory tapestry and scratch my skin raw and play with a prostitute. I spend my time on the verge of dying. Forgetting to breathe. I'm progressing! Ha! Progressing myself into oblivion.
Does this make you happy, Peter?
"He's not safe, Sis," he whispered, not sure who he was really talking about. "I don't know what to do with him. I don't know... what to do."
"Tell me where you are. Tell me so I can go there. I'll talk with him. We'll work something out. I won't tell anyone where you are. Let me do this. Please, please… let me help you."
Todd could hear the pain in her voice and it hurt him, made him feel so pathetic and lost… and that made him… angry.
"I just can't," he grumbled, his stomach lurching with sudden fiery hate. Feeling all the hell lapping at his legs, the heat so real he looked down to see the flames. They can't treat him like this. It's not fair. He didn't do anything. If you touch me again, I will fucking kill you. He didn't deserve to be treated like nothing. Like a nobody. Held down and FUCKED. Ripped to pieces… torn up inside and out...
It feels so fucking good, an outpouring of love, deep inside of you… massaging your heart… making you breathless, choking you with LOVE.
He groaned gently, unconsciously. His fist hard against his forehead, nails digging into his skin.
"Todd? What's happening, what's going on?"
A truck passed by and honked and it shook him only slightly more aware and he breathed to regain control. But there was no reigning in the crazy. He sniffled a few times, stayed quiet. He could see the syringe. Feel the prick on his skin. Love, love, love… he'd be okay, then. He'd be more than okay.
"Tell me where you are, sweetheart, and I will be there as fast as I can."
"I...uh..." Control...controlled love, salvation, degradation, denial ... it feels so good. He rubbed the back of his head on the door, feeling it give. Everything was there. Right there.
"Go ahead...I'm still here..."
"I need money," he said. "Cash. If you come here to get Jed, bring a couple of thousand with you. That'll help me a whole lot."
What does a trapped bird feel like as she crashes against an aviary window, having seen freedom on the other side, having seen rescue and deliverance of a lost soul but not the impenetrable glass, having seen the colors of hope? It hurts. Bones break, feathers fly about, songs cease. The insides get crushed. The bird's little heart explodes. Todd could hear the destruction through the phone lines, could hear her musical comfort screech to a halt.
Chop...chop...chop. Cut me up...kick me out. Hate me...hate me. Hate me as much as I hate myself.
"Tell me where you are," she said, her voice having grown cold.
Todd smiled half-way, an ugly slash of a smile as he ate that hopeful bird, ate her up. "Promise you'll bring cash and I'll tell you where I am," he murmured, feathers in his throat… down his gullet...
"Don't ask me to do that," Viki said. "Don't put me in the middle of the two of you."
"Then he'll find his own way fuckin' way home!" Hate me...hate me good and hard. I'm the Red Baron. I'm mean as fuck and I fly like a bat out of hell... ha ha ha.
The bird was dying. He could hear its peals of misery in Viki's voice. "Todd, this is your son we're talking about. Not some employee at the Sun...NOT a Buchanan boy. NOT a Cramer...YOUR SON!"
Todd laughed – he laughed.
"You really think I care?" he said. "I need money and I admit… I don't want to go trolling for cash. I don't want to have to go to a fuckin' bank to get it. I can't even remember my name much less some fuckin' pin number. You want Jed, you bring me the cash. You said you were going to help me… well that's what I need. THAT'S WHAT I NEED!"
It feels so good. Love, love, love.
"Call your accountant," Viki said.
"He can't get money for me, you know that. It has to be me… or you. You're on my expense account… you're the only other signer that can take money out."
"I can't do it. I've already agreed not to trail you or have you tracked down like an escaped convict. And I WILL NOT allow you to use your son against me or as a means to assist or support your habit."
"What habit? WHAT HABIT?! I need to money to eat."
"Then you have to come into town and deal with real life – go to a bank, pull out money, deal with your accountant. I will not help you."
"Well then... fuck you! FUCK YOU, FUCK Tim, Blair, Téa, fuck all you bastards with your stupid treatment and your stupid... fucking... harm reduction bullshit… god fucking damn it ...AHHHHHHHHHH!"
Slammed the phone down. Three times he slammed the phone down. He leaned back against the wall blind with break-through fury. Blind... to what was happening to him. Blind to his reality. He stood up. Screw the promise, he thought, screw the dream... the deal. So what about last night, so what about Jed in the room. So what?! So damn what?! Fuck, fuck, fuck...
He needed a hit and he needed it now. It was a matter of life and death!
With a deep breath, he threw away the cigarette and kicked open the motel room door. Stood in the light, panting like a dog and hanging onto that phone. He slammed the set on the night table. He glanced all over the room. Brandy wasn't in the bed. She was on the couch. Dark eyes fast on him. She was still as a bird. Jed, though, WASN'T on the couch.
He roved the room again… what the FUCK?
He saw his bag. Unzipped. His clothes on the floor. Rummaged through. "God damn it," he moaned, walking quickly to it. He plopped down and pulled everything out. It was gone. All his dope was gone and he knew damn well where it was.
Todd stormed to the bathroom door and pounded on it. "JED! OPEN THIS MOTHERFUCKING DOOR! OPEN IT NOW!"
"No!"
"If you don't open this door – I will personally kill you!"
"No!"
Todd stepped back and with his booted foot started kicking the door, repeatedly kicking it. Getting angrier and angrier with each kick. "OPEN... THIS... UP... YOU... SHIT!"
"WITH YOU KICKING LIKE THAT?! NO FUCKIN' WAY!"
Brandy had been cowering in the bed when Jed started going through the motel room because frantic searching never lead to anything good. The moment Jed found the drugs and popped into the bathroom, locking the door, Todd came in and made his way to the unloaded bag. She was now scrambling to a corner of the room between the couch and the wall. Ducking and covering because she didn't want to see anything bad happen to the boy but was powerless to do anything about it.
She crouched down and covered her ears, her eyes closed, saying pitifully, "Don't hurt him, baby... don't hurt him... don't hurt him…"
Todd was beyond reason and decency and hope at the moment. He had felt his sanity go up in smoke. He threw himself at the door several times and when it finally opened, Brandy yelping at that. No more than a single sharp yelp.
But Todd couldn't help her. He was breathing hard at the now-open door of the bathroom, looking like the Satan's Soldier he could be, staring down Jed. Staring at the empty packages of heroin in Jed's hands. Jed was on his feet, glaring back at Todd just as furiously.
In a singular, dramatic moment, Jed then leaned over and flushed the toilet. Shrugged. "All gone," he said. Eyes like Todd he had, hair like his. And balls like his.
Come get me.
Todd was unable to move, unable to breathe. He had wanted that. He was ready to use that. He needed that to save his goddamn mind, to bring a little peace to the hell he was living. Just a little. Just a small amount to make him feel just a small amount better.
Because it feels so good. It's the best… the absolute best.
"How could you do that?"
"You're gonna die using this."
"You don't know nothing about nothin'... nothing... nothing… NOTHING!" Todd took his fist and slammed it against the wall, Jed flinching but not moving a step. In one quick move, Todd then grabbed Jed by his t-shirt, swung him around and crashed him hard into the wall, pinning him there, "Who are you to judge me?! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"
"I'm your son ... and even though you might think it's stupid, I love you! I've loved you for as long as I've been alive! MY MOTHER DIED FOR THAT STUPID FUCKIN' LOVE! THAT'S WHO THE FUCK I AM! THAT'S WHO I AM!"
"Don't you dare throw that shit at me.. you don't know anything about loving me! We went through this already!" With each word, Todd slammed Jed against the wall. "THERE ISN'T ANYTHING TO LOVE!" Todd then roughly let the boy go, stepping back, looking around the bathroom… hopeless, hopeless as hell.
Breathing hard, his heart utterly broken at Todd's treatment of him, Jed lifted his head up and crumpled the papers in his hands. Stuffed them into his pockets.
"Don't worry," he said, his voice cold and deadened. "You don't have to repeat yourself. I know it's stupid what I feel... and... and… I totally get it. There isn't anything to love. You are nobody to LOVE. The fact that you're beating the shit out of me... worried about your dope instead of..." Jed walked up closer to Todd and got in his face. Said coolly, "The fact that it didn't even cross your FUCKED UP mind that maybe I was using it… yeah, I get it. You're fuckin' dead."
Todd watched as Jed eased his way around him, staring stupidly.
"It's okay Brandy," Jed said. "You can come out. He's nothing but a dead man." At that, Jed picked up his bag. "See ya'," he said lightly.
And walked out the door.
Brandy carefully got up from her place in the corner and stood there, cautious, not daring to get close to Todd. She watched him as he gazed about, looking at a war zone. He then got on the floor to see if Jed missed any of those little packages. If any had dropped. He started to cry a little as he did that, whimpering as he looked behind the toilet, in the trash can, feeling the floor like one of those packages might be invisible. Then he just sat against the tub, covered his face with his hands. He jumped a little at hearing Jed's motorcycle outside. And then he started to cry, a wretched noise coming from the depth of him.
Brandy stood at the door of the bathroom and watched as he rocked himself and cried. She got to her knees and after a few moments of determining whether he was safe to touch or not, she held him to her, her small body doing her best to cover him up. She caressed his hot head, damp with frustrated sweat.
"It's alright, baby," she said. "He still loves you... don't you worry 'bout that... don't you worry. It's alright, it's gonna be alright."
She rocked him in her arms, kissed his hair often and soon he stopped crying. She didn't let go of him, though, as the minutes slipped by. As time wasted away. "My momma used to do this to me," she said. "She'd hold me... and talk to me... and she'd rock me just like this. Made me feel like a baby... ain't that silly? So big... and still a baby. But it felt so good... don't it feel good?"
The pain paralyzed him. In the end, he had done what he set out to do... chase away that boy. Make him understand just how dead he is. Make Jed understand just how pointless it is to try to love him. Todd was dead weight on Brandy as she rocked, as she talked in her perpetually shushed voice. As he lay on her, he fully understood that he had indeed choked on those damn feathers.
They sat for a long time that way… time clicking by. They simply stared into the dusty room, stared at the strewn clothes and the broken motel room door.
Brandy felt enough time had passed – she felt safe. She then whispered, "I be right back, baby." She eased away from him. Her steps were light and dainty as she disappeared into the room. Her departed warmth left Todd cold and sick. He slipped down and curled up on the floor, lost in his profound pain, the weight of everything heavy on him… as if he were buried under rocks. Breathing was a terrible, terrible chore. He wanted… not to breathe. He could not move, could not see, could not hear. Nothing but a body on a cold floor.
You're fuckin' dead.
He sensed he was being moved, adjusted, and heard a far-away voice say, "Come on, come on… you gotta help me."
He moaned and he didn't understand and the floor was so cold on his bare skin now and he tried to catch her eyes, trying to explain how he was dying, how had been tortured to bring him to this place… tried to tell the whole story, that he had nothing left in him, that he damaged his daughter and the thing with Jed was so bad, and to please not touch him, please... there is nothing left of his mind, that the world was gonna so much better off…
Please don't touch me anymore, please don't hurt me anymore…
And then he gasped… the pinch of the needle. His eyes shot open, his mouth parted in disbelief… warmth suddenly running through his arm… down into his belly...
"I thought I had something saved for you," she said in her soft little bird-like voice. "I thought maybe I dreamed my putting it away. I didn't. Don't move… I got you, baby. There it goes."
When that rush hit him, Brandy held him tightly to her, his body tightening, feet kicking at the tiles, head crashing into her soft chest. He grabbed onto her long hair and gazed into her eyes… until he couldn't, gazed until eyes rolled back and he shuddered with the most intense pleasure. She kissed his slack mouth as he moaned in that special ecstasy that only heroin could give. She kissed him and rocked him as he slipped away into that perfect place of perfect love, where no one could hurt him, a timeless place where his mother had never left him to be murdered by his father, where he was perfect and innocent and clean and pure… and he couldn't do any damage to anyone or anything.
Soon his body grew limp in her arms. All the hate, all the pain, all the fear, all the guilt… gone.
"There ain't nothin' like it, is there, baby? I told you you'd be happy."
"Happy, happy," he mumbled, looking dazedly at nothing. Words were bouncing around in his head and he could hear them, in his own voice, clear…clear, "You sing… you tell me the truth ... only you can do this ... only you can love me this way … this way ... heaven … heaven ... God ... glorious perfection can't be mine ... it's yours ... yours ... I love you and I feel that you do me ... I feel that ... I feel it now."
"You rest, baby. Brandy is here for you."
Jedediah really hated the taste of asphalt, the tar bitter and black. And when his face was pushed down into said distasteful road by the heavy boot of a policeman, it was even worse.
"Don't move!" The officer yelled to Jedediah as he was cuffing him. Jed had been pulled over for driving with expired tags. His appearance automatically put the officer on alert: Jed's longish hair, his jeans, black leather jacket and combat boots, plus the fact that he was riding without a helmet. When the officer commented on Jed's not having a helmet, Jed revealed his rotten attitude, his very, very bad day, by grabbing his crotch and telling the police officer, "Awww suck my dick. Helmets are for pussies."
That was really a bad thing to say.
Jed struggled on the ground as the officer patted him down, as he checked his pockets. As he pulled out the empty packages.
"What do we have here?" The cop's knee dug into on Jed's back and kept him firmly in place. "Well, well, WELL. This is heroin, buddy. Even looks of a brand we've been on the hunt for. You are under arrest, son."
"They're empty!" He groaned in frustration, curse words flying out of his mouth. It was so humiliating. All because he wanted to make using heroin a wee bit more difficult for Todd. The dead one. The unlovable one. The empty bastard who had the misfortune of being Jedediah's father.
Awww shit.
"Get on your feet, punk," the officer growled, pulling Jed up off the ground.
"It's not mine!"
"I've heard that one before." He walked, no, he dragged Jedediah to the police unit. "You have the right to remain silent," the policeman said as he shoved Jedediah into the back seat of the unit. "Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, and, if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to represent you prior to any questioning."
Jedediah was in some kind of trouble now.
Awww shit.
The meeting with Dr. Graham, Téa and Viki had been intense. Viki had to share what happened at Dorian's, the conversation from whatever motel he was at, and the complete personality shift she'd witnessed. "He went from moody to honest to complacent to-"
Téa finished her sentence, "To crazy angry."
"Yes. It was horrible. I am very afraid for Jedediah. He kept talking about safety, said terrible things. Tim, I have never believed my brother would hurt a child. This morning, I wasn't so sure about that."
"Did you tell him about the threat from Phillip Manning?"
"No. But now I'm wondering, maybe he'd have done something different? Maybe he'd have given me his location?"
Tim interrupted the fantasy, "I doubt it. Firstly, he wouldn't believe you. He would think it was just another manipulation. Secondly, he's not normal right now. You have to understand, he is consumed by his illness. He cannot respond in ways we would expect of him normally. Everything is turned on its ear. Expect… nothing you would imagine." He sighed. Studied the women's faces. "He needs to be picked up." At that, the doctor declared the experiment officially dead in the water. "Harm Reduction isn't working, obviously. I'll file an additional affidavit with the police department. It should get the police to give his matter higher priority. He is not just a danger to himself but to his son, and daughter. Not that we have to get more attention, Bo Buchanan was on it. He doesn't like Todd too much does he?"
Viki shook her head, "No. He was quite upset when he showed up at Dorian's this morning and Todd was gone. But in this case, maybe the dislike will help get him home faster."
"Agreed."
Just as Viki and Téa were finishing up with Tim, just as he was making some last notations for the declaration he'd be writing up, the telephone buzzed and he picked up.
Téa was explaining to Viki the process they would go through, the legal hoops for a hearing on his competency. Trust was already in the trash so they had to do what they had to do. Todd was in too much danger, and so was Jedediah.
Tim interrupted them, "Uh Viki, Jed's been found, safe and sound...but..." He sort of laughed, sort of didn't. "Oh shit," he then said, with an expression of helplessness.
"What is it?" Viki demanded, the edges of panic setting in.
Tim handed her the telephone, saying to Téa, "Think you might have some legal work to do. That KID."
Téa looked at him with perplexity and then saw Viki blanch, hearing her say, "Oh my God..." She hung the phone and turned to Téa, "That was Bo. Jedediah's been picked up by the police..."
Tea gasped, "Why?!"
Viki spoke in a voice of astonishment, "For...drug possession. Heroin. They found some on him. He must have taken it from Todd, he must have been protecting him because there's no way he's using. Not considering how upset he's been." Viki bubbled out those now reliable tears, but in the middle of her cry, she started to laugh, "I don't believe this! I don't...fucking believe this!" Using a word that Tim always said was Todd's favorite one in the English language.
Téa laughed sadly, as did Tim because sometimes there isn't anything else you can do.
To be continued….