On the Edge of Wakefulness, Part 2
Chapter 12
Jedediah scraped his boot against the concrete floor of the jail cell as he held onto the bars. He tried to move them just because and it was scary their thickness, how they didn't budge. A person could go ... nuts ... in here. He stared at the ceiling where tiny paper gobs starred it, toilet paper wetted, wadded and shot upwards. Boredom. On the other hand, perhaps it wasn't boredom that inspired the unique artwork, but a need to preserve sanity.
Which made Jedediah think of Todd.
Being locked up for a year in a state prison when he was barely 21 was bound to do something to him, above everything else. He wondered if the stories were true about solitary confinement – you get thrown into a cell without clothes on, without any light, for weeks on end. Months even. Nothing good could come from that. He plopped back down on the bed and got upset again. With his fingertips, he dabbed his still-swollen lip where he'd hit the pavement. Rubbed the back of his head where Todd had banged him on that bathroom wall. Made him want to cry and kick the shit out of him at the same time. Went back to staring at the ceiling.
You're fuckin' dead.
Way to go, Chant. That'll give the guy a reason to hang on, a reason not to use heroin. Shit. Jedediah swallowed down an ache of guilt in his throat which then settled in his chest. Maybe he shouldn't have left. What if...what if...what if he dies? What if in trying to get more dope he does something stupid and gets killed on the streets? Summer and he had roamed one of the lesser-known druggy neighborhoods and had to duck out quick when they caught the eye of some scary looking scuzbag. It wasn't safe for anyone down there.
Jed might never see Todd again. He'd be orphaned, for real this time. That can't happen, he thought. No...no...no...he had to go back. He had to make sure he was alright, that thanks to his dumping the drugs, he hadn't made more of a mess. He rubbed the sore spot on his head absently – on the other hand, maybe the guy deserves what happens to him.
Jedediah jumped up at all that and grabbed the bars and yelled down the quiet corridor, "HEY! GET ME OUTTA HERE!"
"Shut-up, kid," someone with a craggy voice said.
"Awww come on! Don't I get a phone call?!"
"You watch too many movies."
Jedediah shook at the bars, kicked at them. Dropped onto the metal bed in an angry huff. He had to get out, struck with the fact that he still cared about Todd, and was probably the only one who did. Even Viki didn't, going along with that stupid treatment plan. Letting her own brother kill himself. Kind of thinking is that? He didn't get it. Rubbed the spot again. Maybe they all just know the guy's already dead on his feet. Can't save a dead man, can ya?
He tapped his foot nervously on the floor, wondering the time. No… nothing good can come from solitary. From getting raped. Shuddering, he thought heroin was probably a relief actually, in comparison to all that could go wrong in a life. He looked at his hands and it dawned on him - he was the only one Todd brought into that motel room. Jed was the only one Todd didn't hide anything from. He always laid it all out, constantly testing Jed with the worst…and Jed always survived.
I'm the only one who understands, the only one who has even a sliver of a chance to get through to him. Gotta get outta here.
Moments later, he heard Viki's voice along with Kevin's and when he looked up, he was greeted by faces of worry and chastisement. He looked away, focusing on the metal toilet and matching sink which triggered a sudden need to piss.
When the guard just hung back, Kevin snarled, "What are you waiting for? Open the door!"
"Yeah...yeah," the guard grumbled, "keep your pants on."
Jed heard Viki say sadly, "Oh Jedediah, look at you."
The frumpy officer finally opened the cell door, the metal door sliding rough and heavy. Jed shuddered involuntarily at it. Viki walked in followed by Kevin, both standing quietly while the guard shut the door most of the way. Kevin then walked forward, placing his hand on Jed's shoulder.
"What happened?" he asked in a gentle tone. Viki sat on the cot next to Jed, looking empathetic. She noticed his leather jacket crumpled on the floor. Noticed he looked like he'd slept on a park bench as if he was homeless. Knowing that in some ways, he was homeless.
"Well?" Kevin pushed. Jedediah glanced briefly at him and then shrugged. Stayed quiet.
Viki then said, "I'm relieved to see you're okay. I was very worried about you."
"You don't gotta worry – I can take care of myself," Jed said softly.
"You're in a lot of trouble," she said.
"So? I've gotten into scrapes before."
"Not like this," Viki said, looking serious. "We just met with Bo. In his words, 'Drug possession is...drug possession'. They don't care that it wasn't yours. It was found on you and that's the end of the story. That... in combination with the truancy, the disappearing acts, the expired registration and riding without a helmet...there's not much reason for leniency. They're considering placing you in a juvenile detention center."
"They wanna lock me up?" Jedediah said, his voice tinged with fear, shock.
"Yes," she said.
"But I threw the stuff out," Jedediah said, frustrated. "I flushed it down the john. If they say there was stuff in those packages, they're lying!"
Kevin kneeled down, putting his hand on the cot, close to Jed's leg. "You must have been in a big hurry," he said gently. "There was still enough in those bags to make a solid case against you."
"Whatever," Jed mumbled. This was so fucked. He'd been trying to help Todd, trying to save his miserable life. He rubbed his chest. He had to get out of here. He couldn't go to juvie. He had work to do.
"Jedediah, did that heroin belong to Todd?" Viki asked her question in her typical easy tone, the one that reminded Jed of milk and cookies, of talks after school, of a mother's laughter at her boy's why-did-the-chicken-cross-the-road-because-he-had-mustard-on-his-butt joke. A mother.
You're fuckin' dead.
Jedediah glanced away. Shrugged.
"If it did, maybe he'll tell us what happened ... admit the heroin was his – maybe the district attorney will ease up on you," she suggested.
"He won't do that," Jed retorted.
"Tell me where he is and I can talk him into it," she pushed. "I know he would do anything for you."
"Can't tell you."
Kevin and Viki looked at each other a moment, then Kevin stood and said impatiently, "What do you mean you can't tell us? You don't know where the motel is?"
Jedediah shrugged, words stuck in his throat, the address. He rubbed his knees, eyes fast on those bars, then the paper constellations on the concrete sky. That door was fucking heavy. The air felt damp and stank of sweat and urine. He licked his lips, his chest tight.
"Jed?" Kevin's voice got intense. "What's going on? Why won't you tell us where he's at?"
When Jed said nothing, Kevin looked helplessly at Viki and she reached for the kid's arm. "Sweetheart," she said. "It would help you and it would help him, too."
Kevin couldn't hold his tongue, "Todd needs to come forward on this! Tell us where he is!"
Viki shot a look at Kevin. The place was quiet, Jed equally so. Viki sighed and then said, "He's not going to say anything." Then shook her head, a warning. Kevin knew better than to fight his mother here.
She knew Jedediah most likely was protecting Todd, feeling maybe talking was a betrayal. And if so, there was no way this child was going to talk, no way he'd risk Todd's "safety" for his own. Viki took Jed's hand into hers and he let her. She wanted to cry more of those darn tears at seeing how torn up and confused he was about Todd. She reached up to touch him affectionately, her hand landing gently on the back his head, at which he flinched and winced.
Viki grew immediately concerned, "Are you hurt?" In typical maternal fashion, she felt his scalp a little more, Jed inching away at the obvious tenderness. She did feel a bump. "Did the officer do that?"
Jed had dropped his gaze, shrugging again, "Yeah… maybe when the cop tackled me." He then cautiously looked at Kevin, "I won't run away anymore, I promise. I...I don't need Todd to help me. It, it wasn't even his stuff. But you guys are really rich, you know people... can't you arrange something to keep me out of that place? I – I don't wanna go."
Kevin looked about ready to pounce on Jed for his absurd covering up of Todd, but Viki stopped him once my re with a look. He leaned back against the cell door, arms hard across his chest. Viki asked gently, "Jed, please be honest with me. Did Todd hurt you?"
"No! No…no…" He wasn't convincing in the least and Viki worked hard at not saying more. This wasn't the place.
"So help me god," Kevin started, certainly about to condemn Todd, but again Viki cut him off.
"Honey…you really need to tell us where he is."
"You can fix this…you know people."
She said, "Our being able to arrange something isn't the point. The issue is your safety – you're doing things which put you at risk – doing things your own way which is so admirable, but under the circumstances, so dangerous. Phillip Manning is a serious threat – you can't go on like this." She reached up and took Jed's face delicately in her hands, looking into those sweet, hurt eyes that were so much like Todd's. "I care about you," she said. "If something were to happen, I don't know what I would do. I've grown to love you very much."
Jedediah pulled out of her hold. Rubbed his chin. "But I can't get locked up – he needs MY help – I have to go back to him," he said.
Viki decided to get firmer with him. "You'll see him, just not right now...it's too dangerous, and Todd…he's not ready to handle you."
"But I can make him ready – I can make him see!" Jed said it with such confidence, with such assuredness, it broke Viki's heart. If only she hadn't heard for herself Todd using Jedediah to get money for his drugs, if only she didn't know that Todd hurt Jed. Todd had said too strongly something about Jed not being safe with him. Viki wanted to tell Jedediah that he had no reason to be loyal.
"I know how badly you want to be with your father," she said. "I know how afraid you are for him. But ... you can't make him behave the way you want him all by yourself. You can't control..." Viki looked away momentarily. "You can't control the choices he makes. So with that in mind, we have to do what's best for you. Leave him to us – you work on school and keeping safe. I promise we'll do everything we can to help Todd."
Jed sat up straight at that, angry now. "You can't help him – you've totally abandoned him! But I haven't! And as long as I'm alive, I'll try everything I know to help! And no stupid Phillip Manning is gonna stop me!"
Viki nodded her head, those tears threatening to come out. "I know it looks like we haven't done anything, but believe me, that couldn't be further from the truth. The reality is that he requires serious treatment from professionals. And above that, the situation with Phillip Manning is critical and real and it complicates matters. We have to address your safety and we can't do that with you chasing Todd or hiding out with him. You need to take care of yourself first."
"No ... no ... no ... I'm fine! I don't need to be taken care of! I only wanna help and all of you have been sitting around doing NOTHING! SO I HAVE TO DO IT ALL ON MY OWN!"
"Jed, we've been following—"
"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!"
Kevin shot right to the kid, the escalation shocking, "Jedediah Chant! Don't talk to my mother like that! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"
Jedediah stood up and got real close to Kevin, "I can talk however I want... you're nobody to me. You've been fucking around with the investigation on my mom, you've been leading me on... you've been doing everything to hurt Todd. Including this whole harm reduction garbage… you're NOBODY to me!"
Bo Buchanan interrupted Jedediah, sliding open the door. "Young man, YOU SIT DOWN!" he commanded.
Jedediah flashed a hateful expression at everyone, grumbling, "Whatever," and plopped back on the cot, ignoring Viki's hurt look and her gut-wrenching concern. Bo walked up to Jedediah, Kevin backing away.
"You control yourself," Bo said firmly. "This isn't a principal's office or a therapist's office or a ... schoolyard. You're sitting in a jail cell and are in a heap of trouble. You're in NO position to be self-righteous about anything." Jedediah sat unmoving, scowling. "Now listen to me," Bo continued, "Téa Delgado has been upstairs working on your behalf, breaking her ASS to get you released into the custody of your aunt and it has FAILED despite her efforts. You ARE going to juvie for your own safety until you can be arraigned. Your future will be decided at that point."
"What?!" Jedediah demanded.
Viki and Kevin looked at each other, Viki reaching for Jed. "Bo ... can we talk about it some more?" she asked. "Hank said there was a chance..."
"Jack Neederman, the federal investigator," Bo paused, cleared his throat, flashing an angry look, "says that Phillip Manning has been missing."
"Oh my god," Kevin groaned. "Those are the Feds for you."
Bo didn't disagree, "No one has spotted him – they've lost track of his activities. Even Cassie's informant doesn't know where he is. Considering that, Neederman feels it ultimately will be safer for Jedediah to be restricted to a locked facility." Bo looked at Jedediah, "Especially since he's proven he can't be trusted to stay in one place. He'll attend substance abuse programs...among other things for kids like him."
"Aunt Viki...Kevin," Jedediah pleaded, acting the scared puppy all of a sudden, "I-I don't wanna go there. I told you that I promise not to run away anymore. I promise!"
Viki looked at Jedediah and knew he was only acting a part with regard to his promise, but it didn't matter. She understood it. She understood his love for Todd, because she loved him too.
"Bo, please," she said, "I'm sure if we sit him down and work out a contract – maybe take away privileges—"
"Take away privileges?" Bo laughed sarcastically, getting Jedediah to move from pathetic teenager to fuming delinquent. "You think that'll work? He made a rude gesture and spoke disgustingly to an armed police officer. You think someone with that little respect is going to care about losing privileges?"
"Aww fuck you! You don't know shit about me!"
Bo yelled, "THAT'S ENOUGH!"
Kevin groaned, "Jed, you have a real talent at advocacy."
"Well it's true! If I make a promise...I...I..." Jed couldn't say it. For some reason, with Viki looking at him the way she was, with Kevin shaking his head, with Bo condemning him, the lie that he promised not to run away didn't come out. It held onto the muscles of his larynx like a monkey grabbing onto the branches of his home-tree. He hunched over and breathed out loudly.
"I hate all of you," he mumbled, his knee bumping fast up and down. This was all so screwed up. Thanks to Todd, he was going to be locked up. Thanks to dumb fucking luck, he was going to a detention facility.
Aww shit.
Paulie Smith, otherwise known as the Mole or most truthfully as Risley Moran, tried to move, but Phillip Manning had him pushed against the wall, face first, of the dirty kitchen of his crummy shack with a gun to his head. One move and it would be over.
"You have been fucking with me for too long now," Phillip grumbled. "YOU...have been talking too much, too loudly."
"I don't know what you're talkin' about!"
"Don't!" The gun pressed deeper into the thick muscles of Paulie's neck. "Don't insult me. I saw you. I saw you talking with that bitch from the newspaper. I SAW THAT!"
"It had nothin' to do with you!"
Phillip reached back and hit Paulie across the back of the head with the gun. Not enough to render him unconscious, but enough to send him crashing to the ground. He tried to crawl away, tried to get to his own gun which was under the sink. Phillip landed on top of him, though, straddling him, sticking the gun hard into his back. "You aren't going anywhere, beetle...slug. It would be so easy to kill you now – it gives me hard-on to think of it...can you feel it?" Phillip exaggeratedly pressed against Paulie who only groaned in pain. "But I'm not ready to do that," Phillip said.
"What do you want?" Paulie said in a strained voice.
"I want you to feed info to that bitch to get the heat off of me."
"If I say anything they'll know I know you."
Phillip tilted his head back, "Awww... don't... don't bullshit me..." He then hit Paulie again with the gun, leaning down on him again, talking into his ear, "I KNOW that you're the one who's been talking so if you want to live you will do as I say. YOU will tell them I have flown the coop...that I have gone back to Chicago to reclaim my EMPIRE! THE ONE YOU FUCKED UP FOR ME! Do you get me... my sweet fuck?"
All Paulie could do was moan in pain.
"I don't hear a firm, 'yes'. Where's my, 'yes'? Tell me...bitch...where's my, 'yes, boss...I will do anything you want me to do'?"
"Yes," Paulie whispered.
"Louder, please."
"Yes!"
"Now repeat to me what I want you to do."
"I'll...tell...them...that you've left..."
"That's right...and what will happen to you if you don't?"
"You'll kill me."
"Good. You're a ... smart cookie." Phillip got off of Paulie, looking down at the pathetic man at his feet. Phillip then smacked him with the gun one more time, the world going black.
Brandy and Todd lay on the bed together, Brandy sleeping, Todd staring at the ceiling as he usually did when in his drugged haze. He'd pretty much finished all of what she spared for him, making sure he didn't have a moment of clarity since Jedediah split. The moment he felt he was coming down, he banged another shot of dope. And by doing this, he discovered there was in fact clarity within non-clarity. Coherence within non-coherence.
You're fuckin' dead. Yeah. Truth, coherence and clarity within the "un-ness" of it all.
He figured the specks of gold and silver above were supposed to look like stars. Cheap imitations of light that not only insulted the concept of light itself, but insulted the beholders of such light. He closed one eye then the other, looking at the difference in what he saw, the way the whole thing sort of shifted. Left, right...left, right. Left. Right. He felt just like Brandy said he would: like Jedediah had never been there, like he had never left.
Todd stretched a little, glancing at her. She opened one eye and then closed it. She always slept lightly and any movement on his part would wake her up. He tried to be careful, but knew it wasn't any use. Light's light. He didn't know how many hours it had been since Jedediah left, since Todd had revealed his true ugliness to his only son.
"You're fuckin' dead," he had told Todd. Ahh…nothing like the truth to light up your life. Fuckin' dead. The words reverberated in his head: dead ... dead ... dead.
Coherence…clarity…truth.
"Mmm," Todd said. He took a deep breath then licked his lips. Sort of chewed on nothing. He rolled onto his side and reached across to the night table, fingering the paper that once held the delicious rescuing powder Brandy had mixed up for him. Stuck his finger in his mouth, tasting the residue. He needed money... he needed more dope, needed ... needed.
Need.
Life was nothing but a series of needs. All unmet, all unfulfilled. Until now. Heroin took care of everything. It quelled all desires, memories, and hurts. Everything. It made being dead ... really okay. Really, really, really okay. The best. He could live with this kind of lifelessness, with this kind of plastic, liquid-like existence. He rolled onto his back and stared upwards again.
Stars. So many...so far away. Cheap stars - fake stars. Just like the world around him. All shit...all garbage.
But Brandy's initial hit reduced the trash to tapioca pudding, lumpy, but sugary. He chuckled lightly, staring vacantly still. Jedediah, the conversation with Viki. The blow-up. Lumps for sure in his tapioca-ness, in his tasty sugared state of being.
He did need money, though, meaning he had to go to Llanview to deal with either his accountant or the bank itself. He didn't even think he had any identification on him. He even doubted his regular banker was there anymore. He'd been on his way out during the whole lodge thing. Well, just before. And today was what… Sunday? Or Friday? Or maybe Wednesday.
Todd rubbed his mouth with his hand, smashing his lips against his teeth. Scratched this spot on his hip. It was so ... damned ... itchy. Scratch that itch ... scratch away.
"I love you. I know that's stupid, but it's true."
I ain't nothin' to love, Jedediah. I will abandon you to show you that I love you – I will hit you – I will kick you – I will scream and pound you into the ground to show you how much I love you. I will love you 'til you're just like me...
Nothing.
The curtains weren't open and a muted brownish haze hung in the room. Pudding, Todd thought-lumpy but sugary. Brandy was sleeping late despite the fact that she'd come home early. She was tired, she'd said last night. Tired from the tricks, he guessed. He rolled onto his side and looked at her. She opened her eyes right away.
"What you want, baby?" Brandy said softly.
He shrugged. He wasn't wearing a shirt – just had his jeans on – and Brandy reached out slowly to touch his chest. He looked at her hand blankly. She smiled.
"How come you had some with you?" Todd asked softly, his words lazy. "You don't...use...do you?"
"No, I'm clean. Forgot I put some aside for ya', just in case you got to be hurtin' or somethin'. Like this morning. I wish I remembered earlier."
"Mmm," he said.
She giggled and Todd thought of the spirit all of a sudden. He even leaned into her to see if she smelled like the woods the way the spirit did and she giggled again. He supposed Brandy wasn't the spirit in the flesh. The spirit seemed to dislike his use of drugs to ease his pain and Brandy was more than okay with it. He knew that for sure. Brandy smelled good anyway, a just-washed smell he liked. No. She smelled like vanilla.
"Mmmmm." He breathed in the scent of her hair, her neck. Like pudding.
Brandy pushed him so he was lying on his back again and moved herself close to him. Made him wrap his arm around her so she was partly lying on his chest, her bare leg bent over his thighs. She continued to drag her fingers through the light spray of hair on his chest. He kept watch on her. This was a nice time, this he liked, feeling clean and relaxed and quiet and un-alive. Like being inside of a painting. Lying back on oil-painted grass, beneath matching oil-painted trees on a brushed spring day, kicking back next to your charcoal shoes and listening to the splashes of inked fish in a water-color pond. That print on the doctor's wall, the one hanging at the bank's entrance.
Perfect, perfect. I feel you love me. I feel that.
He wasn't sure what Brandy was. She had light brown skin and her hair was jet black and silky. She had round, brown-black eyes. Maybe she was Native-American. Not that it mattered. She was so fearful at times and at others, utterly fearless. She closed her eyes and moved her head against his hand on her head. He thought of Téa, how much he wanted her. How he never could touch her. Now he wanted nothing more. Wanted to eat her up, wanted to take what she could give him. He licked his lips at the thought, remembering the taste of punishment. The taste of isolation. Looked at the ceiling, at the cheap stars.
He ran his hand down Brandy's arm and she twittered, "That tickles, baby."
"You ticklish?"
"Yeah, a little."
"Me, too," Todd whispered, smiling slightly and rubbing her arm a little harder so it wouldn't tickle her, giving her a firmer touch. I'm itchy ... scratch that itch. God, he felt good. Too bad nobody understood. Too bad they wanted him in pain. They all wanted him to hurt. They said such bullshit. You have to feel the pain of what happened to you in order to get over it. Sadists, that's what they all were. Just like Peter. Pinning him down, keeping him in pain.
Not Brandy.
She moved her hand to his stomach as he watched. Touched his belly button. Ran her finger around its edge. Then, her eyes fast on his, she kissed his chest and played with his nipple and he shuddered at that. He moved his hand back to her hair.
Something... something.
"Mmmmmm..."
Something.
I love you, Tea. But I fucked up. I... remembered. I remembered everything and it ruined me for good. Now I'm lost. So hate me. Hate me for who I am. For what I do.
"You ever wanna get pierced, baby?" Brandy asked, pulling on his other nipple. Rubbing it in between her forefinger and thumb. Lots of men hate that but he didn't. She did it hard and he let her because nothing hurt him in this state. He almost wanted to test out his painlessness with those cigarettes of his.
Feel that pain.
"That's kinda freaky," he said, "don't you think?"
"I'm pierced."
She looked up at him and he looked at her ears then realized she was shaking her head, no. She smiled shyly. "Down there," she whispered.
"No...you're not. That's...kinda freaky."
She laughed and sat up, pulling off her sweatshirt. She stood on the bed and with one hand on the wall above Todd's head to steady herself, she took off her panties. He looked away a minute at her complete lack of shame. He was glad Jedediah had left. Had he stayed, the boy would have had an eyeful at some point, maybe more than that. Todd really would be like Peter then ... the way he'd been with Phillip. A wave of nausea hit Todd and he took a breath. Having a recall that he and Brandy sorta did stuff while the kid slept on the couch … did stuff 'cause he needed it, 'cause he needed to feel something. Kid was … sleeping … so it didn't count, right? He wasn't like Peter. Rubbed his lips again with his hand.
Fuckin' dead.
"Lots of the men like it," Brandy said, her hands on her hips, waiting to show Todd her piercing. "One of them did it to me. I didn't wanna, but I did anyway."
"Why'd you do it then?" Todd looked back up at her, dreamily. He wished his question made sense. Why'd anyone do anything they didn't want? People get things done to them because they're powerless. Like me and Brandy.
"Just one of them things...see?" She sort of spread her legs a bit and Todd could see a small silver ring through the hair she sported. He was surprised he hadn't felt it before. She was undressed sometimes and once or twice rubbed all over him before she did her thing…with her hand.
"Did that hurt?"
"A lot less than that mean old devil-thing on your back, baby!"
"Yeah... ok... yeah. A lot quicker to get one of those hoops." She dropped down in between his spread legs and giggled, putting her head down, making him smile. "You're funny, Brandy," he said.
She sat back, lifting one knee, still somewhat showing him her piercing, and then finally pulled his hand to her, making him touch it. Touch the hoop. He raised his eyes to her and she gazed back at him. He pulled his hand back and looked away.
"Weird," he whispered.
"Yeah. Can I see your tattoo, baby?"
He shrugged and slowly got on his stomach, taking a pillow and adjusting himself on it. Stared at the door, wondering what was out there. Grateful not to be out there. She straddled him, sitting on his butt, while she delicately touched the figure on his shoulder blade, running her fingertips along the black lines.
"This is so scary," she cooed, "but it's beautiful." She then started touching his back in general, touching the other lesser tats he wore, feeling his spine. Massaging him. It made him sleepy. He soon felt her lean down and kiss his neck. He felt her body on his, her feather-light weight, her naked, cool breasts. She rubbed them slowly against his back, moving back and forth in this gentle, easy rhythm.
She whispered her usual lines, "You like that, baby? That feel good, baby?"
Fellow whore...fellow nothings, he thought. Todd lifted himself up and Brandy rolled off him. Despite the heroin quieting him, quieting his mind and all the tricks it liked to play on him, there was something about having her on his back which disturbed him. Made him think of ugly things.
"You okay, baby?" she asked.
"Yeah...yeah...lemme do you," he responded. Distraction ... control. Any touching, he had to control in some way. Whenever she touched him to get him to come, he usually held her hand all through it. She lay on her stomach and he lay on his side, using one hand to caress her back, to touch it firmly, massaging her.
"You get sore...uh...with what you do?" he asked.
She shrugged and said faintly, "No..."
"Mmmm," he hummed, continuing to knead her back, her neck. Touching is so strange, he thought, so fucking complicated. Every touch has meaning – intent – agenda. It was much easier when he was stoned. "How many men ... do you see? Each night?" Brandy turned her head away from him. She didn't say anything. He heard her sniffle.
"I don't know, baby. I...don't really keep count."
Todd moved his hand more to her side, feeling the bare beginning of her breast's swell. A stirring of something he felt, too. He sort of tugged at her, and she turned over, gazing at him with sad, wetted eyes.
"Oh...I'm sorry," he said, when he noticed her sadness. "I didn't mean..."
"It's okay. Can't change nothin'. It's what I do." She took his hand and placed it on her breast. Moved his hand on her. She arched her back as he focused on her stiffened nipple, the way she'd been doing to him. He touched her other breast, massaging her, then moving to her nipple. Pulling on it. Feeling the way it responded to his fingers. He felt something inside of him. Something…something. He moved to her stomach, touching her smooth skin. Looked into her eyes and then rubbed her sides and up around her shoulders, down her sternum.
"Does that feel good?" he asked.
"Yeah, baby," she said in a dreamy way, "Yeah, it does."
He sort of smiled, remembering how women back in college never told him that anything he did felt good. He supposed it didn't. He never really touched those women this way. Never had lazy hours in a motel room. It was always a matter of getting in and out. He didn't use heroin then, either. Without the drug, he wouldn't be able to do this. At least not since he remembered things. Blair liked him alright, back before. But she'd said on more than one occasion he was a lousy lover. He remembered that. She could be so mean when she was pissed.
So could he.
Something this way, it comes. Shhhhh.
He moved back to Brandy's breasts and massaged them easily, gently, always returning to touch her brownish-pink, hard nipples. "Does this feel good?" he whispered, worried about her answer.
She smiled slightly, "Yeah, I really like when you do that. You do it real nice." She closed her eyes and he could see that her breathing was changing somewhat. Speeding up. She lightly held his hand as he touched her. It all made him wish for a normal life. Wish that...don't go there. This is all he deserved.
She rocked her head back, closing her eyes, and said in a soft, taken voice, "You real good at that, baby."
She only likes this 'cause you're her brother whore – you're two incestuous whores fucking to feel good. Normal...normal for two nothings. But then two zeroes make a double-oh. And double-oh-seven is cool and the double oh's on the Roulette wheel are cool. Green among the reds and blacks.
It's all you deserve, the worst...something like you. Something as broken and as destroyed as you.
He bent and suckled at her, biting her … just a little … and Brandy stretched her body all the way down to her toes in reaction, touching his long hair, running her fingers through it.
"You like doing that? You can bite as hard as you want, baby, whatever you want to do to me." He did … he bit more firmly the tender skin of her breast … and that was a little too weird and too good and had gotten him really hard, really quick, so he stopped, just licking her skin, licking her like a cat licks milk. He had made a mark on her and ran his tongue over the red. Then he sucked her nipple, sucked until she was panting. She parted her legs slightly and reached down to touch herself, her fingers moving in a slow circle.
"Oh my god," she said, "you making me so wet, baby... that never happens…" She giggled, then didn't. Pulled his hand down and made him touch her, "See?" She parted her legs further and moved his fingers around in the same way she'd been doing. She moved her hips to the tender rub. Todd was seriously aroused, but the way she controlled the action bothered him. He was the one who had to do it. He was the one who had to decide when and how to do it. He closed his eyes and tried not to think about anything. She was breathing a little harder. It had been such a long time since he'd touched someone this way. It had gotten so very... conflicted.
Don't think. Just do.
"Oh, baby," she said in a breathy way. "You see how wet you make me? Think I could come like this...and I never do." She groaned, making him move his fingers a little faster as she spread her legs wider apart.
Anxious, he gritted his teeth. He was painfully hard now. She let go of him, letting him control the touches. He watched her rock her hips, fondle her breasts. She looked at him as she did it, her face flushed and pretty and forlorn, and he kissed her. Pushed his tongue into her mouth as he pushed his fingers inside her, getting her to moan in a low, soft way. They kissed with their eyes wide open. She pressed against the front of his jeans, grabbing hold of his hard-on, and he flinched at that, but he didn't want her to quit. More, more, more. He was feeling something he hadn't felt in forever. Pure physical need. He was breathing faster now, moving his hips, achingly thick now. He stopped touching her and crawled on top of her, kissing her neck and cheeks and mouth oh-so-wetly, one hand holding her by her arm, the other snaking into her hair, as she rested her hands on his waist.
"You wanna fuck me, baby?" she said, her voice a strained whisper.
"Yeah, I do," he breathed.
"Anything you want, anything at all," she said.
He moved his hips, rubbing himself against her as she was saying dirty things, the typical things. She rubbed her sex against the bulge in his jeans. Two whores wanting to feel good, that's what it was. Nobody ever made them feel good. It had always hurt, no matter what it was. Tenderness hurt because the relationships always went bad. When Todd was doing the hurting, it hurt him, too. The near-rapes...the rapes…being raped...being abused. Those things were nightmarish. Nothing was ever good about sex even before the remembering. In his mind, violence, domination, control and sex had melded into one, ugly thing which was why he could never be with Téa. He never wanted to bring his garbage to her bed because somewhere, somehow, he knew sex wasn't supposed to be that way. It was supposed to be good and wonderful and if it couldn't be that way for him ... he'd go without.
Oh...the greens among the reds and blacks ... spinning ... making it one big jumbled mess ... a messy blur whipping past. Stop ... stop ... what color will he be when the wheel stops turning?
You're fuckin' dead.
He moved his hips against her, chasing that mind-numbing end. The two of them humped against the other, like teenagers, but Brandy stopped her moving and sort of pushed at him, like she wanted him to get off of her. She didn't exactly stop kissing him, but still, Todd panicked.
"You aren't gonna stop are you?" he huffed.
"Oh no, baby...I would never do that to you!" she said, smiling at him holding his face in between her hands. "I sure ain't no cocktease!" He was panting and staring at her with big eyes, looking fearful. The second girl he raped in high school had absolutely teased him. She had rubbed on him and got him all hot and bothered and then stopped like the motherfucking bitch she was. Said, "No." Got him all worked up and then cut him off. Can't stop a steam engine in its tracks that way. It ain't right. So he held her down and made her pay for it.
He hated himself for that.
"I-I'm not hurting you...you still feel good?" he asked.
"Oh yeah...yeah...I just want to get those jeans off-a you!"
"Oh...oh...ok..." He nodded quickly and began unbuttoning his jeans. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been with a woman like this. Blair, obviously. He was shaking hard all of a sudden and Brandy reached her arms around him, lifting herself up to kiss him. She just looked at him.
"We don't gotta do this if you don't want to - I'll just give you the hand-job. You like that, huh, baby?"
"No, no…I w-wanna be with you."
"Sure, me too, I wanna be with you. We'll do whatever you want."
He got his pants undone and she pulled them down, immediately touching him because he had no underwear on. She touched all his parts, tugging at them, stroking him. He wasn't kissing her as she did that, just pressing his forehead against hers, holding himself up on his hands. She massaged him hard and it felt so fucking good. He kicked off his jeans entirely and continued to move on her open palm, breathing hard and wanting this badly.
It feels good, was all he could think...it feels real good ... "I want to be inside you, you said you'd fuck me … well, come on now, don't finish me off, please don't do that," he said though strained breaths, through his shivers.
She whispered, "I would never do that, baby, unless you wanted it. Don't you ever worry 'bout that." Brandy spread her legs apart and pulled at his hips and he slipped in easily, neither mentioning the use of a condom, neither seeming to care. Todd groaned at the intense feel and so did she, words spilling from her, "Oh baby, you in me so deep... oh oh oh and so hard..." He pushed into her and they both held on tightly to each other, each in their own ocean of pain and pleasure.
"God, this feels...so...good," he said, gritting his teeth. "Oh...god." He felt every thrust, every slide in and out. She had her hands on his butt and rubbed him, squeezed his muscles. He jerked though, jerked hard and stilled when she reached between his cheeks. She moved away fast at that, soothing him, hands on his back. He looked at her, fear in his eyes and she smiled and kissed his lips, "You real good, don't stop baby,"
He started to move again, dropping into the crook of her shoulder and neck. She moved against him, squirming and rocking her hips in time to his urgent thrusts, and soon was moaning loudly, her legs falling open wide, "Baby...that's right... like that like that like that … oooohhhh... I'm coming, God, I'm coming..." Groaning raggedly, huffing, she pulled his body tight up into her, the two staying still for a few heated moments. The scents of sex, soap and sweat permeated the grimy, dim room.
She looked at his face as he began to move once more inside of her, gazed at his half-closed eyes, at his slightly open mouth, and said, "You so special...you so pretty..." She touched that mouth of his and he sucked on her fingers. He turned his head away and picked up the pace of his motion, not thinking, not remembering, aware only of what his body was going through. They were so wet and so hot and so thankful and so relieved. But shallowness faded and he grew scared because the slick feel of her reminded him…reminded him of too many things. He started to get the shakes except he didn't want to stop, he couldn't, he wanted this too badly, being so hard and feeling so good.
Her talking pushed him closer to the edge, pushed him away from the images, "Fuck me, baby, with that hard cock, oh so big, oh so hard, come on…fuck me hard, fuck me real hard. You do it, baby, come on, you fuck me, you do anything you want."
And he did. He kept pushing into her and moving her and adjusting his hold of her, grabbing her to him like he couldn't get deep enough into her, like he couldn't get enough. He collapsed on her harshly, his face scraping the bare mattress 'cause the sheets had pulled off the bed with all their wrestling, and he grabbed her ass, digging his fingers into her flesh to hold her body still as he moved in a focused, forcible way. He grunted loudly at every thrust and so did Brandy because he wasn't being gentle…. and then finally, finally it started to happen, finally that orgasm that terrified him so much this way started to roll through him.
He held his breath through it, exploding into her as he pounded into her, while Brandy wrapped her arms around his neck, holding so tightly onto him.
Don't let go of me.
At last he just stayed deep inside of her, neither of them moving, both of them out of breath and sweating. He eased out of her, almost his full length but then thrust solidly into her again, causing her to yelp and grab the loose sheets, staying inside, as he was still so erect.
"You don't gotta stop, baby, you go as long as you want," she said breathily as he punched into her again, keeping still and deep within. Then he got into a rhythm again, pumping hard, feeling a second ejaculation coming, and he groaned obscenely, noisily, as it grabbed him good and pulled his mind and body along with it for what seemed like forever, dragging him, the room so hot now, the room suffocating him now.
He lay heavily on her, his cock beginning to soften, wetness all over him, Brandy holding him. She tried to keep him inside but he was falling out and the edges of bad bad things pecked at the sensation. He was shivering all of a sudden, though, and he whimpered. He buried his head in her neck and humped her, sliding in the sloppy wetness, hoping to get hard again, to get back into the physical. Brandy made some more noise at his effort and he felt her shuddering and he stilled.
But something whipped to life inside of him.
They held on to each other and Todd kissed her roughly, tasting her, sucked on her tongue. God...it felt good, didn't it? He wanted to do it again, didn't he? He did... he did. Except scalding heat had slid out from its hidden place, slithering sharply through him, crawling... creeping up into his chest and into his head, leaving a burning trail behind. He soon stopped kissing Brandy and then let go of her. He rolled over and away from her.
"Baby? You okay?" she asked.
He nodded, but didn't say anything. He shivered uncontrollably now and pulled the sheets up around him. The heroin wasn't helping. There was noise inside his head, like static. Oh that ... fiery noise. That humming ... crinkly noise, like a pig on a spit. Fat spilling into the flames. The inching forward of human voices now. Sketches... paintings ... oil ... ink ... water-colors... exploding into bright modern color. Fucking HD-3D. He rubbed his nose, slammed shut his eyes, hands flew onto his face. When he lowered them, he saw the airplane hanging from the fan. Saw his blue pajamas. The room, the terrible room. Checked himself in between his legs and held his wounded flesh. Felt Peter's breath on him. Smelled the alcohol and dry mouth. Felt pain tearing up through him. The searing pain of tearing skin. The scalding repeated thump into his belly. Felt his hand on the girls' mouths... the vibration of their screams, their saliva. His own body tearing into them.
He groaned aloud, a strained sound of agony. Everything had come to life.
Brandy got up and walked around to the other side of the bed, kneeled down, "Todd? Baby? What's the matter?!"
"Shhh...shhh...he'll wake. Don't wake him...don't...don't..." He was shaking, she saw, and his eyes were mostly closed, his breathing erratic and fast. She backed up, a terrified look on her face. This was her fault, he told her he couldn't do this and she'd encouraged it. He'd been hesitant and then he she broke him. She stood there waiting. Her hands folded in front of her. She was trembling and started chewing on her nails.
Todd checked the door, listening for Peter. "Shhh," he said, his eyes big and afraid. Hunkering down into the sheets. He then heard something else.
Orient yourself, kiddo, can you do that?
"Kiddo," Todd said. The plane, that red plane, high above the bed – pretend you're in it, my angel, she'd told him.
Yeah, I'm the Red Baron and I'm mean as fuck. You should tie him down and have some sick bastard rape the shit out of him. That'll teach him a lesson he'll never forget. Flip-flop. Flip-flopping down the hall. It's not what you think, Mama. I ain't no faggot. I ain't no faggot, bitch. You'll pay for that. You will pay. Do it Powell, do it. DO IT!
I got you, kiddo. I got you.
"Help me, doc," he whispered. Felt Peter's arm around his throat, squeezing the life out of him, and felt the rape all over again. Each touch, each hit, each rip into him. He fisted the sheets, trying to deflect the pain, whimpering at the dizzying speed of the memories which made his life hell. He looking at those images, remembering his pathetic efforts to try to escape Peter and not being able to get away. All his weight-lifting, all his practicing, all his prayers, had failed him. He couldn't save himself, nobody could. He reached out blindly, toward the night table, and knocked over a glass of water. The noise pulled him back. When he focused again, he was in the motel room. Saw Brandy shivering with her arms wrapped around herself, staring at him, tears rolling down her face.
He couldn't talk, though. He just stared at her, trying to tell her he was okay. He breathed deeply and closed his eyes, so tired. He felt himself starting to go to sleep. Remembered Tim saying this was like a seizure. A seizure…his brain…busting into pieces…splattering all around…liquid everywhere…blood, semen, acid…heroin…so tired...tired.
Dead.
He felt coolness on his head and slowly opened his eyes to Brandy, sniffling and talking to him. She was flipping a wet washcloth. Saying little nothings, "It's okay...it's okay. I ain't gonna hurt you no more. I'm sorry, baby...I'm so sorry..."
"Brandy...stop...what's the matter..." Todd mumbled.
"I made you do that...I made that happen to you...and I didn't mean to..."
Todd pushed the towel away, the thing falling the floor, and took her hand, "It's just me...I do weird shit. It's not you, okay?"
She leaned down and hugged him, crying, "You said some things... baby... your daddy hurt you so bad... I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry."
Todd pushed her away and put fingers over her mouth, whispering, "Shhh... don't... talk about it... it's nothing... just... shut-up about it."
Brandy nodded, sitting up, wiping away her tears. "Okay, baby, okay. I got you...I won't say nothin' about nothin'."
He felt so sorry for her. Wondered what she'd endured and he just knew it wasn't all that different than what happened to him. "It's okay," he said softly, his voice still barely above a whisper. "Hey Brandy, is there anything to eat?"
She shook her head, "No...I was gonna go to the shop but...this...and..."
"Will you go? I kinda want something...you know...just a little something... maybe some cookies...or...an apple?"
Brandy touched his face and leaned down. They touched lips, but didn't really kiss. It was more a delicate touch of skin on skin. She nodded. "You gonna be okay alone?"
He nodded and gave her a little smile.
"Okay, baby. I'll be right back."
From his place in the bed, he watched her get clothes on, slip on shoes. She walked into the bathroom and sat at the toilet without thinking of shutting the door. Finished her obligations and then got ready for the outside world. Todd thought of his mother. Of being a part of her daily routine at getting ready for the day. He remembered interrupting her all the time when she was on the toilet. She would yell at him to get out, but to him it was nothing special. He didn't get the privacy of it all. After all, she always walked in on him. Always checked to make sure he did what he was supposed to. He buried his face into the pillow.
As an added bit of misery, there was also no more dope. He was going to have to wait until the next business day to go into Llanview to get money so he could pay Paulie. He watched Brandy walk out of the room, watched her glance back at him and ask again if he was okay alone. Yeah, he said, it's alright. He watched the door close. Maybe Paulie would let him get by on credit – he didn't want to get money. He really didn't want to.
It was so quiet now. Pudding, the air's the color of pudding. At the moment though, he only felt the tapioca lumps. Nothing to sweeten it. He pulled the phone over to him. Played with the buttons. Listened to the dial tone. Then dialed a remembered cell phone number.
"Hello?"
He wanted to cry when he heard her voice. He held onto that telephone like it was her. Curled up in the sheets with it.
Sweeten that pudding, dear. Add the sugar, dear. Spin the pudding, dear. It's all a blur of reds and blacks and greens. When's it gonna stop, dear?
"Is anyone there?"
Love me. You tell me I'm not dead. You tell me I deserve more than what I give myself.
There was some background noise on that cell phone. An echoing sound, people. Then there was this whoosh and it was quiet. Todd thought maybe she had hung up the phone, but then he heard her again.
"Todd?"
He nodded and had to fight a whimper, a cry... because he was dying here. Yes...yes... he wasn't all that dead. He knew that. But he was watching himself die and it hurt and ultimately the truth was that he didn't care if he eventually died just as long as for a short while he could be pain-free. He knew what he was going to do the following day. He knew tonight would be murder without the heroin to make it all better, to make being almost dead... okay. He knew that tomorrow would probably begin another week-long binge of his drug because he couldn't take the pain.
The heroin though... made up for everything. Even Brandy felt good, all her touching of him, and now the fucking, but that was bad and he hurt and he was just so damn messed up and ... and ... and ...
"Todd...talk to me," Téa said, starting to cry despite her obvious work not to. He could hear her struggle. "You talk to me, damn it," she said, being answered only by the movement of sheets... only by the breaths of hurt. "Fine ... I'll talk then. I want you to know that I love you. That no matter what ... I love you. That I'm here ... I'm always here for you. The key is under the mat at the Penthouse like always. You come there when you want to. You're not on your own!"
He cried at hearing her, cried at his own paralysis, at his own stubborn refusal to do something about himself. At the fact that a part of him was standing by and daring her to love him in spite of everything. Love in spite. Spite... spite... yeah.
Will you still love me then? Will you still love me tracked and sick and unfaithful to you? Will you still… love… me… then?
"You know," she said tearfully, "Viki saw Jedediah today... and she said... he loves you. Did you know he feels that way? Oh... Todd... you have this beautiful boy who's so strong and so wanting to help you and so wanting to be with you that he risks everything." She was crying much more freely now... much more sadly.
Shhh...don't say his name to me. He cannot love me.
"Téa," he finally whispered.
"Yes...yes...oh... it's me... it's me... oh Todd..."
In a voice that Téa had to strain to hear, he shakily said, "Téa ... you hold me ... okay ... you tell me ... there's something ... beyond this ... that's here ... the hell ... okay ... I need to know…"
"Beyond what? Beyond ... you being alone?"
"Beyond all of it. Beyond life ... that when I die ... I won't hurt anymore ... you tell me that."
"No! I won't because I don't know! I CAN tell you that with me ... with Viki ... with your son ... and daughter ... there is relief from the pain. Todd ... don't give up. Please ... don't ... don't give up."
"Giving up … assumes … certain things ... "
"What ... what does it assume?!"
"That I have something to hold onto."
"But there is something to hold onto! Love! Your children! Your sister! And me! You have me! You have those simple things that life is made up of. The sun's warmth ... the snow ... the music that comes from a violin or piano ... ice cream with Starr ... her kisses ... riding around with Jedediah ... picking flowers ... sharing a pizza ... simple ... simple things … life! Todd ... please ... you hold onto that! Those things are real and special and worthy!"
"Nothing is simple," he said in that same quiet voice. "I'm not the same person anymore. I'm watching someone else inside of me, doing things ... bad, bad beyond what you think ... what you know. I won't have you for long ..."
"What...what's happened?!"
He didn't answer her fear. Instead, he spoke to her in a dreamy fashion, his tone soft and even in poetic recitation, "You will hate me ... you will disavow yourself from me ... because I'm cut-off. But you hold me, now, in your place of peace. You do that before forgiveness fades."
"I'll hold you for as long as you want … as tightly as you need. I'll never let go of you no matter what, no matter what you think you've done. Do you hear me? Do you?!"
"You hold me...and I will breathe with you ... I'll lie with you ... I'll die with you. Shhh..."
"Todd! Please..."
He hung up. Pushed the phone set off the bed. Listened to the dial tone buzz through the air for a while 'til it just stopped dead. He scrunched down into the sheets at that and slept.
I will breathe with you.
"Where am I? It's hard to tell...it's foggy."
"Oh Angel...this is hell, the very bottom, really. You've slipped backwards. I can't protect you here."
"Oh. Is that boy here?"
"Yes. He's so sad, Angel. He cries tears that are tinted red. Blood is what colors them."
"Does it hurt when he cries?"
"Yes."
"Why is he crying?"
"He cries for all the lost boys. For all the lost children. He says they're not really lost in the sense of being gone forever but that they've merely lost their way through the dark caves here. He says their hearts and souls are still intact. That there's hope. So he cries because they can't see that."
"Am I going to die?"
"That is up to you."
"That boy...can I see him?"
"You see him all the time. You only have to open your eyes to him."
"But I'm blind."
"No...you are not blind. You have merely lost your way in the fog. Reach out and there will be an answer. There will be salvation. Forgiveness."
Reds and blues and yellows and blacks. Green. Double-oh's are special and rare. Will that silvery ball stop there? There is a whitish heaven within the blackness of hell and clear forgiveness amidst the dusky unforgiving.
Truth, though, is ultimately the color of love.
To be continued…...