So... new chapter... not really, sorry.
Part of this is actually part of Jagged Hearts so it might be a bit repetitive for all you darling people who've already read my other fanfic. There's actually a new beginning and end part to this chapter so read it and, of course, review! Or else... Mwahahaha :)
The image hung on the mirror for a moment before fading into nothing. Celaena let out a strange gasping sob. "No," she whispered. Dorian turned to face her, expression pitying. Celaena stared at the mirror, salty tears sliding soundlessly down her face. "That wasn't what I wanted you to see." She backed away from them shaking her head.
"Celaena..." Dorian said softly. Celaena raised a trembling fist to her mouth and turned, running out of the room.
Celaena knew this was cowardly but there was no escape. They would pity her and comfort her when there was no comfort that could be given. Nothing could make her feel better. Sam was gone. No words of solace would ever bring him back. She sometimes felt the gap in her chest where Sam had once lay deepest in her heart. He was ripped away from her in a blink of an eye and his absence often hit her so hard she forgot to breathe.
Celaena heard footsteps following her and she ducked into a room quickly. She entered a guest room with a roaring fireplace. The footsteps passed her room receding into the distance. Then, the footfalls came back. Celaena groaned inwardly. Why does he have to be so persistent?
The footsteps paused outside her door. A hesitant knock came. Celaena swore quietly and hastily moved away. She scrambled to the vanity and quickly wiped her tears away. Celaena straightened her tunic, smoothing out the filth and creases.
She will not meet whoever was on the other side of the door with an unkempt appearance and tearstained face. I am Celaena Sardothien. She thought to herself firmly. Adarlan's Assassin. I will not be afraid.
Celaena sauntered to the door and threw it open. Chaol stood on the other side with a fist raised as if to knock again. His eyes widened. "Oh." She raised an eyebrow.
"Yes? Can I help you?" Chaol cocked his head, bewildered.
"I thought..." he trailed off.
"Yes?" Celaena swept back into the bedroom. "Would you like to come in?" Chaol blinked and strode in.
"So? What is it?" He faltered slightly, eyes slipping off to the side.
"Dorian told me about Sam." he said gently, sympathy pooling in his golden eyes. "I am so sorry for your loss." Her expression immediately closed.
"You don't need to be sorry. You did nothing wrong." Celaena said flatly.
"But," Chaol started.
"You did nothing wrong," she spat. "Don't say sorry, ever!"
Celaena's lips quivered and she hated it. Hated her eyes for going damp, eyelashes clumping together as she stared blindly past Chaol at the dancing, flickering hearth. Especially when she saw his face soften into a mix of sympathy and pity. She jerked her face away. She didn't want to see it. Chaol uncomfortably shifted his feet, uneasy.
"Celae-," he began. Celaena threw out a hand, unable, unwilling to listen to his words. Always pity, always charity, always condolence. Never understanding. No one will ever understand her. She was too wild, too unpredictable. Like a savage beast straining to break open its beautiful, ornate cage but never succeeding.
She trembled, heat and anger flashing through her veins. The fire burned her mercilessly, twisting, molding, shaping. Celaena shuddered violently, her hands clenched into tight fists around the hilt of her throwing knife.
Her knuckles reddened, then whitened from the force of her harsh grip. She hated her body for betraying her like this. Her eyes stung, her breath a shallow hissing thing. Stilled. Calmed.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Celaena knew what she looked like to Chaol. A seething mess self-loathing and rage. Darkness pulsed through every part of her. Invading her pores and oozing out like slime. She was a monster. Her vision went red for a moment before crystallizing into diamond clarity. The table she leaned against was shaking.
No, It's me, I am still shaking like the stupid idiot I am.
She moved away from the table. Celaena wanted to go to the armchair, to sit down but she couldn't move. Couldn't do anything but stand there hopeless, incompetent and vulnerable.
"He's not the only one out there Celaena. There's always another." Chaol said in a hushed voice.
Celaena laughed bitterly. She wanted to lash out, strike him down as she would have with a knife. But, she didn't. Instead she pummeled him with her words.
"No? Are you volunteering then? You want me to replace him like a toy? A plaything?" She chuckled without humor. "Like a broken, used sword that is no use anymore?" Chaol's expression closed. Saw him barricade himself in a mental palisade.
Celaena felt nothing. No guilt, no remorse, nothing. She had closed off these feelings for too long. Celaena watched starving beggars and vagrants, desperate courtesans and assassins go through all phases of life. A brutal, sickly sad existence. Never worth anything. Never care for. Kicked around in society within an inch of their lives. She was one of them.
Numb she finally walked over to the divan and sat with a slump. Chaol's gaze followed her.
Celaena looked down at her small hands. Hands that have cut, slashed, strangled. Hands that have ended life after life after life, sustained injury after injury. She used the tip of her index finger to trace a particularly nasty, jagged scar on her left hand that stretched from her wrist to the edge of her pinky.
The assassin bit her lip and clasped her tightening fists in her lap. Her words were quiet, defeated.
"Do you know what love is?" she choked out huskily. Chaol opened his mouth but Celaena cut him off before he could answer."Love is your devotion to your deities, your friends and your family. Love is the light, fluttering feeling you have when you first realize you have found your other half," Celaena unclasped her hands and laid a hand on top of her heart. "and the utter devastation when you know they are well and truly gone. Love is free to give or take but always comes with a price. The absolute agony of losing them."
Celaena blinked back her tears. Her voice caught as she tried to swallow past the solid lump in her throat.
"In essence one possesses three hearts. One that is taken up for your beliefs, one that speaks of adoration for familial bonds and one for the people in your life." Chaol shook his head and opened his mouth again as if to speak. Celaena plunged forward ignoring him.
"My godly heart is gone, my familial heart was cruelly shattered and ground to bits beneath Adarlan's boot ten years ago," her voice cracked and Celaena looked down gathering her courage. She blinked and tears traced a slow descent of salt down her cheeks.
"and my friend based heart is more than half gone. Betrayals, wickedness and deaths have led to this."
Celaena sobbed once, quietly and looked up meeting Chaol's tender gaze.
"Even now, I can feel the half heart I have left splintering. And when that little bit of heart fades as well, I will fade away with it day by day until there is nothing left. Nothing but an empty shell of a girl that has already disappeared into the void." Chaol opened his mouth, but no sound escaped. She looked at him dully without seeing him.
"He was tortured for hours. Whipped, cut, broken, bruised," she pressed a fist to her mouth stifling another sob, "I saw his body afterwards. It was barely recognizable." Celaena closed her eyes. "Sometimes I wonder if knowing what exactly Sam suffered made me more resistant to pain in Endovier. He endured more in those few hours than I ever did in a lifetime." Chaol flinched, heart twisting.
"Don't say that. You suffered just as much," he walked to her touching her shoulder gently.
"It's all my fault. I condemned him to this," Celaena's voice wavered. "If I hadn't refused to leave Rifthold. If I ran away with him, none of this would have happened. Arobynn wouldn't have killed him. Sam wouldn't be dead. I would have never been sentenced to Endovier. We would have been happy. We would have had a life together. " Tears seeped down under her closed lids. "Everything. My fault." Chaol's heart twisted in his chest. How can anyone stand such pain? So he comforted her in the only way he knew.
Chaol turned her to face him pulling her into his arms. She resisted for a bit before succumbing to his heartfelt embrace, shaking. He would comfort her as she once did for him. She sobbed into his chest. He would hold her, as long as it long for her pain to ease. I swear it.