A/N: I have no beta or feedback person so I'm winging this on my own and I'm a little nervous about how this is turning out. Also, if you're digging this, maybe check out the video [Brian Kinney + Santana Lopez] always be young, always be beautiful on YT. Parallels!
X
infinite life lived at infinite speed
every smell, every sound, every color
all that is you makes up all that is me
- The Chevin
X
''Girls, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Brian Kinney.''
Before Santana could give this strange sense of recognition of the man before her any real thought Brittany was politely excusing them away from Debbie with the promise to chat more later and tugging Santana off of her stool towards the entrance, rushing to meet the other pair.
The blondes in her presence began to wiggle and bounce in place as they started introductions.
''Brian this is my cousin Brittany,'' an energetic Justin spoke up, moving his head to the man beside him, indicating him as Brian, the boyfriend he had gushed over earlier in the day.
''Lovely,'' Brian said dryly, only to be playfully jabbed in the side by Justin. The dark haired man took the obvious hint, forced a wide false smile onto his face and batted his eyelashes in exaggeration. ''I've heard so many wonderful things.''
''Me too!'' Brittany squealed, giving an unsuspecting Brian a quick but warm hug.
Looking slightly thrown by the friendly act Brian turned his gaze to Santana and lifted his chin in acknowledgement. ''And who might you be,'' he questioned smoothly.
Justin continued on with the introductions, ''this is Santana, Britt's best friend. Santana, this is Brian, my boyfriend.''
''Nice to meet you,'' Brian said.
''Yeah, same,'' Santana managed, swallowing back that ball of anxiety that she felt growing out of nowhere and for no apparent tangible reason. A poke was given to her right arm. ''Ah, the hell, Britt?'' she started and looked over to the blonde who was giving her that be nice smile. Santana rubbed her limb and then amended, ''I mean nice to meet you too...Brian.''
Justin then led them all to settle within a booth. He and Brian took one bench while Santana and Brittany took the other. The blondes both managed to snag the seats against the wall which left Santana on the outside, feeling a little exposed as Brian sat across from her.
''We're so sorry we're late,'' Justin apologized. ''Brian and I were heading out when something happened and time got away from us and, well...''
Justin trailed off but it was pretty easy for Santana to deduce what the exact hold up was. She could spot a freshly laid person a mile away. Brian's pleased and cocky expression, Justin's flush and slightly mussed hair. Backseat-of-a-car sex was her guess. She and Brittany did it all the time. Who did they think they were kidding.
''It's cool, don't worry about it,'' Brittany assured, ''It gave San and I time to walk around the neighborhood a little bit.''
''Oh? And what did you think?'' Justin asked. ''Liberty Avenue can be a bit overwhelming one's first time here. I know it was for me.''
''I loved it,'' Brittany happily revealed. ''It's just like what I imagined a real-life version of Candyland would look like. Everything's so bright and loud and colorful and awesome.''
''It was...different,'' Santana said weakly. She still didn't know what to make of the neighborhood one way or another, except that she knew it was definitely the most interesting street she'd ever been on.
''It's everything you always told me it would be,'' Brittany continued. ''Everyone we've bumped into seems pretty nice too. We met this drag queen on the street named Mysterious Marilyn who said she could tell us our futures for twenty bucks if we ever want to visit her shop.'' She produced a business card and wiggled it around, displaying it to the others.
''Marilyn? Is that broad still around?'' Brian asked no one in particular as he reached over to gently take the card from her in order to inspect it closely.
''You guys know her?!'' an excited Brittany asked.
''I can't believe you kept that.'' Santana shook her head. ''Britt, it's a crock.''
''So what? Even if you don't believe in it, it could be fun,'' Brittany reasoned. ''Plus she said she'd give us a sweet discount if you showed her what mascara technique you use to make your eyelashes pop the way they do.''
''We're not going and I'm doing no such thing,'' Santana laughed, ''and there's no way I'm letting you get conned out of twenty or even ten dollars.''
Still, Brittany held out her hand when Brian handed her back the psychic's card and carefully tucked it safely back into her pocket.
''Actually we're somewhat familiar with Mysterious Marilyn,'' said Justin, ''and she's harmless. Believe it or not, it's not a con. I'm not saying she's psychic, but she definitely has a knack for figuring out people.''
''Bitch still owes me a replacement tire if you ask me,'' Brian said with an annoyed look as if recalling a rather unpleasant memory. ''Fucking Pennsylvania turnpike.''
Not quite sure what to make of that seemingly random remark Santana started, ''You know, speaking of drag queens we got to meet your friend Debbie over there.'' She pointed a thumb at the waitress who was now currently occupied in one of the corners of the diner. ''I'm still not entirely convinced she isn't a female impersonator.''
''Deb's all woman, I promise,'' Justin informed them, ''although sometimes I think she wishes she was a gay man.''
''Debbie's Liberty Avenue's most famous hag,'' Brian snarked. ''She's adopted many a queer throughout the years.''
Brittany wiggled her brows at Justin a couple of times before letting her gaze settle on the brunette man at his side. ''Speaking of famous... I can't believe I'm finally getting to meet you properly. The Brian Kinney. I have about a hundred million questions to ask you.''
Brian looked pleased at the sudden attention. ''Of course you do.''
''Brian is CEO of Kinnetic, one of the nation's leading advertising agencies,'' Justin told Santana helpfully.
Brian apparently took this as cue to start spouting off about himself. It seemed that within the last six months the man had been featured in Adweek and Ad Age magazines as well as Forbes. He carried on for awhile pretending to bemoan (though so obviously preening underneath) the torture of owning and running a wildly successful and lucrative business. He talked, mostly to himself, Santana really wasn't paying that much attention and neither was Brittany judging from the bored expression on her face.
Brittany wrinkled her nose and shook her head. ''Actually, I had no idea about any of that stuff, but you are the infamous Brian Kinney that this one is always going on about, right?'' Brittany pointedly looked over to Justin. ''The most legendary lay? The face of God? According to Justin you, like, give super awesome orgasms.''
''Brittany,'' Justin warned softly, appearing slightly scandalized.
''What? It's true,'' Brittany retorted with amusement, parroting his words from earlier in the afternoon when he had embarrassed her in front of Santana.
''I like you,'' Brian said, shooting Brittany a friendly wink.
''I practically grew up listening to Justin's stories about your misadventures,'' Brittany explained how she had become familiar with the dark haired man. ''He talked about you all the time. Still does. I'm kinda interested to see if you live up to the hype of being the second hottest person in Pittsburgh.''
''Second?'' Brian face dropped at that, looking concerned at the prospect of being knocked off his throne by another.
''Yeah,'' Justin bit back a laugh, ''Brittany seems to think that Santana here has officially taken your title as number one now that she's in the zip code.''
''Does she now?'' Brian asked.
''Don't get me wrong, you're totally hot and all sure, but where we come from Santana is like mythic,'' Brittany praised, bumping Santana's shoulder affectionately. ''She's the one everyone wants but that no one can have. San's pretty much the hottest hot person to ever hot in the history of hot.''
Brian raised an eyebrow and turned his attention to Santana as he began to speak, ''Is that so?''
Put on the spot Santana briefly scrambled for words. Normally she'd have already armed herself with a biting remark resting there on the tip of her tongue, ready to smack down anyone who dare challenge her status as the hottest piece of action to ever exist, but... there was something about this Brian guy that threw her off her game completely.
Sitting across from him and his stare she struggled to find her voice. Who was this guy and what was it about him that made her give pause?
Summoning up a sufficient amount of false bravado to pull it off she responded with what she hoped looked like ease. ''I mean, obviously. I'm sure you were like The Fonz around here back in the olden times or whatever-''
''Burn,'' Brittany chuckled, and Justin even stifled a laugh.
Santana resumed playfully grinding the gears of the dark haired man sitting directly opposite of her. If she couldn't figure out what it was about him that put her on edge she could certainly try to deflect. ''...but any self-respecting beauty queen would know when to bow out gracefully.''
Brian laughed in response, looking amused more than offended by the humorous jab. ''It's always cute when you young things think you can be the best just by showing up, though I do believe this is the first time a teenage girl has declared herself my equal.''
''Like Britt said you're sorta hot, I guess,'' Santana teased, arching an eyebrow, ''but I don't think you quite get who I am. I'm Santana Lopez.''
''And that's supposed to mean something to me?'' Brian was playing along, clearly unthreatened and appearing to even enjoy their back and forth.
Brittany spoke up as if the answer was obvious, ''it means people worship at the alter. I mean...look at her.''
In agreement with that statement Santana shrugged with nonchalance, as if to say yeah, I'm sort of a big deal. ''It's kind of ridiculous,'' Santana said, ''the amount of guys I have to beat off with a stick.''
''Hmm, beating guys off is one of my favorite past times,'' Brian said wickedly. ''Wait, no, correction, having guys beat me off is one of my favorite past times.''
''Cut it out and be nice,'' Justin said, shaking his head at Brian.
''No, no,'' Santana smiled and waved it off. ''I can take it.''
''See, she can take it. And this is me being nice,'' Brian said, throwing a dazzling smile at Justin before turning and directing it at Santana. ''You know...'' he paused and studied her for a few silent seconds, his eyes raking over her features, ''even though I doubt you have my years of experience and expertise in being a ruthless, cold-hearted asshole I will say...you have a lot of spunk.''
''Yeah, I can see how that would appeal to you,'' Santana replied lowly and perversely which earned her a chuckle from Brian, who seemed to appreciate her inappropriate reply.
It was strange. This Brian wasn't withering under her gaze, in fact he was holding his own and even giving it back to her. She wasn't entirely sure but it almost seemed like he was toying with her. This was something she wasn't quite used to. She didn't know what was happening.
There was something.
Something about him.
Who was this guy?
She didn't like this foreign, feeling - whatever it was - getting under her skin and rattling her and making her feel utterly askew. She'd gone weeks without flying off the handle or succumbing to a crippling intense panic and now after all of her progress, all of her slow work she once again felt a rising sense of...something... overtake her. She didn't know what it was that suddenly, abruptly set it off. She'd been fine earlier in the day with Brittany and then Justin. Whatever this unease was, this Brian was the key. Here was a complete stranger sitting with her, laughing along in conversation like nothing of consequence was going on when all the while she felt something inside of her collapse.
She didn't like it.
She didn't like it and she didn't need it. Not now.
She didn't need this with Brittany sitting right next to her, looking at her with that yearning in her eyes that meant she was really itching to hold Santana's hand on the table top for all to see. She didn't need this with Justin sitting nearby when she had worked so hard to make a good impression on him for Brittany's sake. And she certainly didn't need it with this cocky conceited Brian Kinney, whoever the hell he was, sitting across from her with that stupid smirk. Now was not the time to fall apart, and over what? Because some guy looked at her funny? Because he wasn't taking her sass? Because somehow she felt like he was looking right through her bullshit? Because something inside of her caught glimpse of something inside of him? Something dark and unnamed. Something...shared. Something that called out to her, spoke to her, ministering to her soul.
Fuck that.
She needed to do something before it became apparent and the cracks in her confident facade became visible. If she didn't she'd risk lashing out and taking ten steps back in all of her progress. If she could just excuse herself from Brittany, Justin and Brian and sort herself out, maybe get some of that anxiety bubbling to the surface out of her system...maybe she'd be able to deal. Maybe she'd be able to save face. Maybe she wouldn't disappoint Brittany. Maybe she wouldn't disappoint herself.
It was going to be hard since Justin was insistent about including her and Brittany was almost acting as if the evening out were a double-date but she had to get away. Get away before this panic building within her managed to escape and swallow her whole.
It was then that Debbie appeared at their table, temporarily diffusing Santana's internal struggle as the lady snapped a new, fresh piece of gum and pulled that pencil out from behind her ear once again to begin jotting down on her small notepad.
''So, even though this is weird as fuck and I fully plan to get more details on whatever the hell this is,'' the older woman made a little circular motion with her pencil, indicating all four of them, ''what can I get you four in the meantime?''
''I'll have my usual, Deb, but hold the spittle this time,'' Brian said, his bored tone and general look of indifference totally changing into an expression of affection as he turned to the blonde at his side, ''Justin?''
''Hmm, I'll have a grilled cheese,'' Justin said brightly before looking to the girls.
''Uh, what's good here?'' Brittany asked, looking over a menu once more.
''Nothing,'' Brian offered and was promptly slapped on the back of the head by Debbie.
Debbie gave Brian a hilarious little scowl before turning to Brittany with a grin and politely suggesting, ''You should try the Pink Plate Special.''
''Pink Plate Special?'' Brittany repeated. ''I don't know what it is, but it sounds super adorable. I'll have one of those.''
''Um, same I guess,'' Santana said. She wasn't really interested in trying to pry open one of those sticky menus to pick out another dish.
Debbie nodded as she read their orders back out. ''Okay then. The asshole's having his regular, extra spittle. For Sunshine we have a grilled cheese cut in triangles 'cause I know how you like it, sweetie. And for you two, two Pink Plate Specials. Coming right out.''
The waitress finished writing something on her pad with a flourish of her hand and then started back towards the kitchen, yapping something about 'being in the fucking Twilight Zone' under her breath before disappearing from their view completely.
Left alone again the four of them at the table carried on in conversation, or rather Justin and Brittany did with Brian throwing in an occasional unsuitable or obscene remark. Santana thought she had adequately covered her unease earlier, but she wasn't so sure she could pull it off again. Thankfully, she and Brian mostly just listened in on Britt and Justin's excited chattering as they continued to catch up; apparently Justin's younger sister Molly was off at cheer camp and according to him really psyched to start high school when she got back, meanwhile Britt informed them that her younger sister Hailey was definitely taking after Justin when it came to artistic ability.
''Is Aunt Jen still cougaring around with that young male school teacher?''
Justin narrowed his eyes playfully at his cousin. ''She and Tucker are doing well, yes. It's still a little weird to me when I think about the age thing, but they're...happy. They make sense in their own strange way.''
Brittany nodded, breaking out into a grin. ''Way to go Aunt Jen.''
When their food arrived not to long later the conversation became considerably more muted. Santana felt less pressure to interact and made sure to continually shovel food into her mouth so when someone turned to her she'd just nod and make a thoughtful noise as if in agreement with whatever was being said. She hoped it came off as cool indifference but was pretty certain it looked more like pathetic discomfort. Santana had never been more thankful when plates were eventually cleared and everyone leaned back in their seats satisfied with their meal. She hoped once they easily settled the bill, everyone would want to call it a night and could go their separate ways, allowing her space to shake her anxiety off.
It didn't really go like that though because when their ticket was placed on the table top Brittany and Justin immediately made a grab for it and with their matching smiles started a game of tug-of-war over who got to take care of it and treat the others.
''I invited you girls out, I'm your host, I can handle it, Britt,'' Justin said, gently pulling the ticket towards himself.
''Exactly, you've been handling everything,'' Brittany said, tugging the ticket towards her own body. ''You filled the kitchen with all of my favorite foods, you arranged for a driver to bring us here, you're even putting me and Santana up in your and Brian's loft-''
''He's what?'' Brian interjected quickly, alarmed at this piece of information.
''It might not be much,'' Brittany said, ''but I want to pay tonight to thank you guys for having us.''
''They're staying in the loft?'' Brian turned to Justin. ''When did this happen? Who said this could happen? When did this happen?''
''You did, weeks ago,'' Justin answered him.
''What?'' Brian questioned. ''The hell I did. I did no such thing.''
Santana took a shaky breath. ''I feel like I'm going to be sick.'' Her words halted everyone else's back and forth about the ticket and the loft and the three others looked to study the suddenly pale and unsettled Santana in her seat. ''Does anyone else feel like they're going to be sick? It feels like it's a million degrees in here.''
''It's that damn Pink Plate Special,'' Brian said with a hint of sympathy. ''I tried to warn you.''
''You do look a little...clammy...'' Justin noted softly.
Brittany turned her entire body to face Santana and placed her palm against her forehead. ''You do feel really hot, and not like your usual hot, but like sick-hot.''
''Maybe you should drink some water,'' Justin said, waving at a passing waiter and signalling for a refill of water.
''If you're going to upchuck you should go to the washroom,'' Brian suggested and then nodded down to indicate his footwear, ''these shoes are Gucci and I'd rather they not be covered in teen vomit.''
''Brian,'' Justin scoffed.
It was now or never. ''I, uh, think I just need some air.'' Santana tossed a couple of bills onto the table as she stood and gave them all a nod before walking out of the diner.
Not the smoothest of moves or excuses but at least she hadn't pulled another 'I've gotta gay'. She did need air, yes, but it had fuck all to do with that Pink Plate Special. Once she exited the building and with a deep breath inhaled the night air she felt some of the anxiety melt away a little. Still, the noise of the street, the laughter of the crowds, the music pumping from all the different bars and clubs in the neighborhood overwhelmed her, assaulting her eyes and ears when frankly, she just needed a moment.
What was happening to her, and why?
X
Sat in his favorite booth at the diner, Justin wasn't sure what Santana's little episode was about, but in an instant he had witnessed Brittany let go of the ticket (thus, granting Justin the honor of paying) in order to give chase to the girl.
Concerned he had begun to pull out his wallet in order to pay the remainder of the bill and check on them, but his plan was thwarted when Brian snagged the ticket from him, threw down his own money and playfully refused to let Justin slide out of their bench seat.
The blonde man knew what was coming. Brian was on the cusp of one of his infamous rages. Well, they were once regarded as rages, but nowadays Justin tended to think of them as tantrums, for as dark and intense as Brian thought himself to be the truth was no one on the face of the earth could throw a bigger, more childish fit. Brian was prone to explosive yet comical outbursts, most of the time brought on by nothing of importance. Justin had learned from all of their time together that the easiest way to navigate through one of Brian's huffs was to let the man vent, bitch and moan it out of his system. Afterwards Justin would then soothe and placate him, usually by petting his hair, telling him he was pretty and if all else failed giving him a blowjob.
''What's wrong?'' Justin asked as he prepared to go through the motions of it all.
Brian laughed mirthlessly. ''What's wrong? I find it funny how you conveniently failed to mention that your little cousin was bringing her girlfriend along on this little family visit. I thought this was a simple dinner, not a double date.''
''First of all, who says they're a couple?'' Justin countered. Due to his close connection with his cousin he of course knew more about the female pair than he was letting on, but didn't think it was his place to say so. Besides, telling Brian would only complicate things and lead to an even bigger fit if at all possible. ''They're friends. You don't even know if they're sleeping together.''
''Are you kidding me?'' Brian scoffed. ''Of course they're sleeping together. I know eye-fucking when I see it. We do it all the time. Listen to me, Justin... are you listening?''
''What?''
''They're cwazy wesbians.''
Justin raised a finger. ''Technically, I know Brittany to be bi and I can't speak for Santana, but even if they were so what? I mean, I don't get the appeal of vagina either, but to each their own. You were fine with them ten minutes ago, why are you acting as if they've personally offended you all of a sudden.''
''Maybe because they have. I'm offended by the thought of what they might do within the confines of my loft. Over my dead body will my loft, my fucking sanctuary be scene to teen lesbian sex.'' Brian put a hand to his forehead as if a headache were overtaking him. ''I bet they're cheerleaders too, aren't they? Tell me they're not. Please for the love of all that is unholy, tell me they're not.''
Justin smiled and nodded silently, looking almost apologetic about confirming the fact, a fact which seemed to make Brian almost physically ill.
''Of...fucking...course,'' Brian said. ''Teen lesbian cheerleader sex; the stock fantasy of every hetero male since the dawn of time. In my loft! Lesbian sex in my loft!''
''Will you calm the hell down?'' Justin couldn't hold back his laughter.
''And the one with the dark hair,'' Brian clicked his fingers together a few times, trying to recall the girl's name, ''what's her name? Satan?''
''Santana.''
''Whatever. She reminds me of somebody.''
''Gee, I wonder who,'' Justin muttered under his breath.
''The attitude, the glare, that smug sneer. I don't believe in meddling but your cousin, Rainbow Brite-''
''Brittany.''
''-is asking for trouble getting mixed up with that one.''
''Are you done?''
''Do you not care that I am now scarred for life with the knowledge that my loft has in all likelihood been violated with...with...pussy.''
Justin shook his head, amused. ''You're being ridiculous.''
''I am not being ridiculous. And when did we agree to let them stay in the loft?''
''I asked you if they could use it a month ago and you said I quote uh-huh, sure. I remember it vividly, it was right after you had literally fucked me off of the bed in the New York apartment. I asked if you minded and you didn't seem all that bothered by it.''
''I was probably half-asleep. You know I pass out after my orgasms, at least the ones with you. I'm like a zombie in my post orgasmic-state. You can't hold me accountable for anything I say or do when I'm only functioning at twenty percent brain capacity. You should really stop using sex as a bargaining chip.''
''I'll stop using it when you stop falling for it.''
''Right,'' Brian exhaled and calmed himself, ''Okay, yes, so it's possible I did agree to it but you know Kinnetic leases several high rise luxury apartments for visiting clients. Uptown, with great views, with all the accommodations, built in car service. I can have the keys to one within the hour.''
''They're not staying in some strange apartment. They'll think we don't trust them. Brittany's my family, Brian. They've already settled in. You had an entire month to change your mind and you didn't. Now you've changed your tune for whatever reason-''
''I think the reason is clear. They're teenagers.''
''I know which is why I feel more comfortable with them there than anywhere else. They're my guests and I'm responsible for them while they're here. I know that building, I know that neighborhood, I know that in case of emergency there's an ER ten minutes away and if I needed someone to pop in Debbie and Michael are a stone's throw away. They're teenagers so I did want to give them some space, but I also like knowing that they're somewhere safe. The only other place I'd feel comfortable with them staying at is at the country place with us, there is plenty of room there.''
''Right, why couldn't they have stayed there then? We could have stayed in the loft and you could have set them up at the country house.''
''I didn't like the idea of them being a half hour away from everything and everyone. Not unless we were going to staying up there with them, but I figured you'd like that even less. I doubt you want to live under the same roof as two teenage girls for the next month.''
Realizing the truth in this statement Brian's rage slowly but surely began to dissipate. He still didn't look pleased with the thought of his loft being invaded, even temporarily, but he seemed to have given up on fighting it.
''And anyway,'' Justin continued, ''I wanted to stay at the country house during this trip. We hardly ever stay there. With us there and the girls at the loft no one's crowded.''
''Fine, but if they break or damage anything your ass is mine,'' Brian warned flirtatiously.
Justin tilted his head upwards to kiss Brian's jaw in thanks and appreciation. ''Looking forward to it.''
X
When Brittany rushed out of the diner and surveyed the area and the small, laughing, smiling clusters of people littering the sidewalk outside of the building she immediately noticed that Santana was nowhere to be found. Struck with a sudden worry Brittany gently pushed through the people to walk further down the avenue, never minding the fact that she wasn't very familiar with the area or that Justin as well as Brian were still back at the diner, she just needed to find Santana, to reach Santana.
She walked past several bars and restaurants and for once wasn't distracted by the bright shiny lights or the thumping music that would usually call to her. Almost ten minutes later and she was still making strides, maneuvering through the passersby while trying to keep an eye out for her brunette. It was this preoccupation that caused her to almost collide with a young club promoter. The guy had been so startled by their almost-collision that he had dropped the stack of fliers he had been trying to hand out to pedestrians. The young fellow went down to retrieve them and even though her mind and heart were elsewhere Brittany couldn't find it in herself to just keep walking on.
''Sorry,'' she apologized for her rather rushed state as she bent down to help him gather the scattered papers.
''It's okay,'' he laughed it off, unhurt and unbothered. ''Occupational hazard. Here, take one.'' The young man offered her a flier as he stood.
''Babylon,'' Brittany read the piece of glossy paper.
''The hottest dance club in Pittsburgh,'' the club promoter informed her merrily, making a gesture to the building behind them. A building, Brittany realized, with a large illuminated sign reading Babylon attached to the side of it. ''You should come check it out.''
Brittany smiled and handed him back the flier, which he added back to his stack before giving her a polite head nod and moving on down the block. She watched him go and it was only then when she turned back towards the street that she spotted her. Santana was across the street on a deserted corner, blinking back tears and looking unusually pale as she leaned against a tall, slim concrete pillar for support. She was facing it, her forearm against the pillar, her forehead against her forearm, while her free hand held onto it as if for dear life.
Worried, Brittany immediately walked through the throngs of people and across the road to reach her. Her hand went to sooth the brunette, and Santana flinched at the touch until she turned around and realized who was trying to comfort her.
''Hey, you okay?'' Brittany asked, running a hand over dark hair. ''You ran out of there, like, out of nowhere. What was that?''
''Yeah, no, I'm just not feeling very well all of a sudden. I thought I was going to be sick.''
''There was probably a restroom at the diner that we could've went to.''
''Probably, but I figured the thing would've been riddled with glory holes. 'Sides I needed some air,'' said Santana, trying to make light, even as she took a large, shaky gulp of air and slumped back against the pillar. Brittany could tell right away that the girl wasn't feeling like herself just based on the fact that Santana didn't seem to mind what kind of residue it might leave on her outfit. ''I think it might have something to do with that Pink Plate Special, which by the way, what the hell was that? I only ate it because Debbie looked like she might slap me across the face if I sent it back.''
''I feel fine and I ate it.''
''Yeah,'' Santana mustered a weak, false laugh, ''yours was probably fine. I dunno, maybe I got Brian's side of extra spittle in mine or something.''
Noticing the slight tremble in Santana's voice that hinted at something darker and deeper, Brittany reached out to place her hand on Santana's forehead. ''If you're not feeling good we should go home and get you in bed.''
''What? No,'' Santana gently shook her hand away. ''It's our first night here and I know how much you wanted to spend time with Justin. It's still early. You should go hang out, really. I just have a bug or something. I'll be fine on my one.''
''I don't want you to be on your own though, not when I could take care of you.''
''Britt.''
''I want to.''
''I know you do but I don't need you to.''
''But why-''
''Just please.''
''What's going on?'' Brittany asked, knowing full well there was something eating at Santana. Something underneath the surface.
''I told you...it's just a stomach thing. It's nothing. I have the extra key and you told me the security code so, I'm just going to go back to the loft and take some Pepto or something. You don't have to hold my hand for that.''
There was a firmness and finality in Santana's voice that made it clear, the girl before her was shutting down.
No matter how much she wanted to comfort and heal her, Brittany knew there was no getting around that wall when Santana put it up and for whatever reason it had just been erected. It had been such a long time since something like this had happened, since Santana pulled away abruptly, out of nowhere, over things Brittany couldn't pin down or make sense of right away. So long that it was a bit of a shock to feel her heart ache in that way. It hurt like it always did but she understood it now to some degree. Santana was still working towards herself and she still needed time, still needed space and and despite Brittany's quiet devastation, she knew the only thing she could do was to give it to her.
She just hoped that whatever this was, Santana wasn't pulling away because she was running, but because she was searching. Searching for the key, the answer, that resolution.
''If that's what you want...okay,'' Brittany said reluctantly.
''Go have fun with your cousin,'' Santana encouraged, softening slightly.
''Yeah...alright.''
''I'll see you back at the loft, yeah?''
Before she knew what was going on, Santana was giving her a small, forced smile and without a kiss, without a gentle stroke of her hand, without any kind of embrace Santana simply began walking away down the street, slowly disappearing into a sea of people leaving Brittany to watch forlornly. Even long after Santana disappeared from view entirely.
She wasn't sure how long she stood there watching, waiting. She only came out of her daze when she felt someone come to stand beside her.
''What happened to you guys? You just took off. I was worried sick when I realized you weren't outside of the diner. I almost called the authorities. You gave me a heart attack! Don't ever do that again-oh my god, I sound like my mother,'' a slightly flustered Justin rambled like a mother hen as he approached her. ''Where's Santana?''
Brittany didn't have to say anything though, because the moment Justin locked eyes with her something passed between them. Something unspoken, but understood. They'd always had a certain sympatico. She knew that he knew and nothing needed to be said out loud; something was wrong, something to do with her dark haired other half. Justin could always read her eyes and her heart, because more often than not, they read just the same as his. With the realization of Brittany's sudden and serious sadness Justin reached out and affectionately pulled her into his side, wrapping an arm around her back.
''Oh,'' he said quietly.
''Where's Brian?'' she asked, realizing the absence of her cousin's other half.
''He actually had to get back to work,'' Justin answered. ''He said it was nice to meet you both, well, actually he didn't but I think he thought it. He usually hates everyone, but believe it or not in his own way he liked you two.''
''Can we...go somewhere?''
''Of course. Come on. How about we do like old times? Back when we were kids?'' He bumped his head against the side of hers affectionately. ''Double scoop strawberry with a waffle cone, right? If I remember correctly the one way I always knew how to cheer you up when we were little was ice cream. Never failed me.''
Brittany couldn't help but smile at his thoughtfulness, and the ugly lump in the back of her throat subsided just slightly at his offer. ''It did...does...but in case you hadn't noticed I'm all grown up now.''
''Yeah,'' he laughed, ''I kinda got that when you showed up on my doorstep a good few inches taller than me. I'll never get used to that. You'll always be my baby cousin, Britt.''
Brittany relaxed into his side, comforted by the sentiment and his embrace. ''And even though I have to look down a couple of inches now when talking to you, you'll always be my big cousin, Justin.''
''Maybe ice cream isn't the magical solution it once was when it came to curing your sadness, but how about we grab some anyway. For old time sake.''
Brittany nodded silently and the two blondes started walking along, Justin guiding them through the crowds, past the clubs and the noise. A short while later they came to enter a small quaint ice cream parlor a half dozen blocks away. Justin ushered them in and ordered for them. They then settled themselves at an empty table in a corner and sat in silence for several moments.
''Thanks,'' she said finally, more than halfway done with her cone.
''My pleasure.''
''I can't believe you remember my favorite.''
Justin pushed his spoon into his bowl of ice cream and mixed up the remaining flavors. ''Of course I do. How could I ever forget?''
Brittany shrugged.
''Time doesn't matter,'' he said, simply. ''When you're connected to someone, it doesn't matter if you haven't seen each other in five minutes or five years. What we have could never change...because all that is you makes up all that is me.''
''What does that mean?''
''It means you don't have to pretend with me,'' he said. ''You never have, you never should and I hope you never will. If you want you can tell me why you look like you might start sobbing into your waffle cone.''
She let out a weary little noise. ''This is just so not how I thought my first night here would go. I thought it had been going well, I really did. I thought we'd all have dinner and laugh and hang out and maybe burst out into song-''
''Song?''
''It's a thing I do now.'' Brittany exhaled, placing the tiny remnants of her treat on a paper towel and pushing it off to the side. ''And I thought getting me and Santana out of that stupid town for just a little bit would give us a break. I thought it'd be good for us and it seemed like it was, but then I don't even know and then she just walked away and then I just stood there. It's been so, so long since she's walked away like that from me. I forgot how much it hurts. I thought we were passed that...I thought it was different now...I thought...I thought a lot of things.''
''Brittany,'' Justin said with warmth, reaching out to grasp her hand in order to console her.
''I didn't expect Santana to ditch me on the very first night, or for you to have to hear me whine about it and I'm sorry because my head should totally be here with you and it is in a way, but...''
Brittany trailed off, unable to find the words. Not that they were needs of course.
''You don't have anything to apologize for,'' Justin assured her. ''Whether I'm hours away or right here in front of you, I've always been a shoulder, Britt, and that's never going to change. There were several points during certain phone calls and Skype sessions where you told me more about the two of you than I ever wanted to know...''
Brittany's laughter broke through her melancholy, because yes, she did have the habit of being overly excited and braggy and downright proud when it came to how often and how good it was under the sheets with Santana.
''...but I've also been there for all the other stuff too,'' he continued. ''The hurt, the tears. And if you want to talk about that tonight, I'm here. Or if you want to get another ice cream and debate the merits of Madonna's new album, that's cool too.''
''This is why you'll always be my favorite cousin. You always just know how to be there.''
''Well, I'm Justin,'' he said, as if that was summation enough and in a way it was.
The truth was Justin was the one and only person on the entire face of the earth she had turned to when it came to Santana and her heartache. Much like he had shared his heartbreak, joy and confusion over his relationship with Brian over the years, she had shared hers. Justin had been the only person she ever felt comfortable talking to about her relationship with Santana. Sure, her parents were open, caring, awesome and supportive and she knew if she ever asked Quinn or any of the glee girls they would lend an ear, but she never bothered to confide in them because a part of her knew they could never understand. Not like Justin could.
They wouldn't get it, because for the most part none of them ever truly got Brittany. She knew without a doubt that they loved her just as she loved them, but loving someone and understanding them completely and fully didn't always go hand in hand.
But Justin had always understood her. Ever since they were kids.
One of her earliest memories as a child was when she was five and a couple of kids on the playground had shoved her off of a swing, causing her to scrape her knee and start crying, which only incited them more as they hurled childish insults at her tear-stained face. Justin, who had been on the other side of the park's playground with his own little group of friends, came running when he realized what had happened. He shot a stony glare at the two bullies, muttered ''jerks'' under his breath and looked more angry than she had ever seen him before...and yet he didn't stoop to their level by trying to have a go at them.
That wasn't who Justin was.
He wasn't violent, even when provoked. Instead he had helped her up, walked her over to a bench under the shade and tenderly applied a tissue from his pocket to her scraped knee as he gently explained to her why some people in the world acted that way. ''When we're born, all of us are born with a little bit of magic,'' young Justin had said as he wiped away her tears, ''but sometimes people lose theirs somewhere along the way and when they see someone who still has theirs they get mean and they act out and they push people down. But no matter how much it hurts, people like me and you have to keep standing up to show the rest of the world that it exists. In me. In you. Never let anybody or anything take away your magic, Brittany.''
Justin lived as the world should be, to show it what it could be and it was a lesson that imprinted itself on Brittany's heart early on. It was something she would go on to live by.
He'd always understood Brittany and the way in which she chose to view the world because he saw it in the same exact way. The world, or rather the one they liked to believe existed, was bright and beautiful and full of love. It was this view, this understanding, this moment that cemented their bond.
She had always viewed Justin as much more than just her cousin. He was her kindred spirit.
It broke her heart when his parents relocated his family to the neighboring state of Pennsylvania, but even though they had miles of distance between them their special connection never diminished. Not even when Justin entered his teen years first and began paving his own path, living his own life. He always made time for her, through phone calls and emails and IMs. He might not have always been there physically, but he was always there in the ways he could be when she needed him.
And she had never needed his comfort and encouragement more than when she first laid eyes on one Santana Lopez. He had been there through the entire evolution of their friendship and relationship, but had purposely kept that fact close to his chest when first meeting the dark haired girl, fully aware that she and Brittany were in a delicate place. He had, of course, been her shoulder to lean on during the most recent Santana-related heartache during Brittany's junior year. It was really only these last few months that Brittany had become suddenly tight-lipped about she and Santana, mostly because she wanted to have this time to herself, this beginning stage, before jumping the gun and over excitedly sharing too much with Justin. She didn't want to jinx herself as she had so many times before.
''She...she said she was sick,'' Brittany confided to him there at the table. ''After dinner at the diner, when she ran out and I caught up to her she said she was sick.''
''She did look ill there at the end. The food at the dinner can be an acquired taste. If she's sick and you're that worried why don't you just go check on her.''
''No. It's too early for that.''
''Too early for what?''
''I've told you how Santana can be...complicated.''
''Yeah.''
''She said she was sick but I know she's not sick, she knows that I know she's not sick, she's just in one of her weird spaces right now. When she gets all intense and serious and broody I'm usually able to break her out of it eventually, but it's best to let her have those first few hours to pout it out on her own.''
''So what happened tonight? If she wasn't sick, why'd she take off? I hope it wasn't anything to do with Brian and his teasing.''
Brittany tilted her head in consideration. ''No one's ever really talked to Santana like that, or well, the few who have tried didn't live to tell about it. In her own way, I think she maybe kind of liked him.''
He nodded. ''It did seem as if that was their really twisted way of hitting it off.''
''I don't know if it was about him or not. It could've been me. Heck, for all I know it could have been the temperature of her drink that made her react. All I know is something spooked her.''
''She seems like a very headstrong, confident person. Hard to believe she could be so easily shaken up.''
''She's amazing and brave and more awesome than I can even put into words, but she's actually really sensitive.''
Justin laughed as if he couldn't quite believe it.
''She is,'' Brittany insisted, ''she's the most sensitive person I've ever met. She doesn't feel things like everyone else, she feels things harder...deeper. When she's happy it's breathtaking...and when she's hurting it's heartbreaking.''
''She sounds very complex.''
''Being with her isn't always easy, but it's always worth it.''
''So you are then...with her? I mean, I know the history, the whole sex isn't dating thing you guys had for awhile and the push-pull that went on there...but these last several months you've been unusually vague about what's going on between you two. I thought it was a bad sign of things until you told me you wanted to bring her along with you this summer and then you and her showed up today at the loft looking very...well, cute...and together?'' Justin shrugged. ''Are you?''
''Kind of. Sort of. In this totally undefined, unconventional way, yeah.''
''Mm, been there, done that,'' Justin sighed sympathetically.
''Honestly, I'm not sure if there's a word for what we are. Sometimes I think what we have is bigger than any one word. What I am sure of is I love her more than anything else in my life. It's all I want...is to be with her.''
''And does she want that just as much as you?''
Brittany stared into his blue eyes that were almost identical to hers. ''She does. I know she does.''
''Then what's in the way?''
''Things.''
''Things?''
''Just things.''
''From what I've seen she's a very funny, supportive friend. She's protective and charming and snarky and wickedly lovely. She's also a very beautiful girl, Britt, and I mean this with nothing but respect...but...she's not the only girl.''
''No, she's not. But she's Santana,'' Brittany said the name as if that somehow explained everything. The significance of it seemed to fly over Justin's head completely, and yet to Brittany, it was those seven letters that explained away her entire universe.
''I suppose I just don't understand why you would chase after someone who wouldn't be proud to be yours.''
''Probably the same reason why you spent all of those years going back and forth with Brian. Because she's it, Justin. She's it. What he is to you...that's what she is to me.''
''Britt, you're seventeen.''
''Yeah, and how old were you when you met and fell for Brian?''
Brittany had spent years listening to the Justin and Brian saga over emails and chats and phone calls and she had never quite understood what this Brian's massive appeal was. From everything she'd heard about the guy, Brian sounded like a total asshole. A tall, dark sexy asshole, but an asshole all the same. She could never wrap her head around why Justin would put up with all that bullcrap, all of that heartache and rejection over and over again when there was an entire world of possibility out there. She didn't get the big whoop Justin made over a guy who hurt him, used him as a squeaky toy when it was convenient and discarded him when someone new and shiny walked in. A guy who constantly told Justin that what they did between the sheets meant nothing. No, she never understood why Justin ached for that Brian the way that he did...not until she met Santana.
And then, of course, she understood exactly how one could give their heart over to someone who at first glance didn't seem to possess one. It was then she understood that the perception of a relationship wasn't always the reality. You could never really know what it was like, what it was about until you were in it, until it was yours. She adored Justin and wanted nothing but the world for him; it had taken her a bit of time to see that his relationship with Brian wasn't unbalanced or one-sided, it was unique and complex and that her cousin had just as much say and control and voice in their relationship as Brian did.
This was something Justin hadn't apparently come to grips with when it came to her relationship with Santana. She knew, of course, that his worry for the well being of her heart came from a place of love, but she did find his slight fretting a bit comical considering.
''Yeah, but that's different,'' Justin continued.
''Is it really?'' Brittany asked with a raised eyebrow. ''They may not be related but I think Brian and Santana definitely share something.''
''I suppose they both have that dark, broody, withholding unattainable thing going on for them that's both alluring-''
''-and aggravating,'' Brittany chimed in, finishing his thought.
''Brian's gorgeous and while I've never really found women attractive even I can see that Santana is aesthetically pleasing-''
''Aesthetically pleasing?'' Brittany scoffed lightheartedly. ''She's the absolute definition of sex.''
''I suppose, if you go for that busty Maxim cover girl type.''
''And I suppose Brian's okay too, if you go for that slightly older type.''
''Okay, fine,'' Justin said, relenting after Brittany's slight dig, ''they're both the epitome of sex. But that's not the only reason I'm with Brian.''
''And it's not the only reason I'm with Santana. Yes, she's amazing in bed, but it's so much more than that. She's so much more than that. She pushes me to challenge myself, stand up for myself. She's honest and she takes care of me and she understands me. I can't tell you everything that's in the way of her and me, because some of those reasons are her reasons, but, it's just, it's going to take time and I know that. I'll wait. For her I'll always wait.''
''Waiting is a romantic notion, but it isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've had to wait and waiting is hard and I'm not saying you can't do it. What I am saying is that sometimes you don't have to wait alone. You could be out there and meeting other-''
''I've had others, Justin,'' Brittany cut in abruptly. ''You said it yourself, all that is you makes up all that is me. I haven't just been sitting around twiddling my thumbs. That isn't you and it isn't me. I tried with another. Like you did with Ethan.''
Ethan, of course, was Justin's boyfriend for a brief time in college. The violinist had wooed Justin away from Brian with the promise of a real, traditional, conventional relationship but had only revealed himself to be nothing but a liar and a cheat. Brian had his flaws but he had always been completely honest with Justin at all times about what they were and what they had which Brittany had always respected.
''Ethan never cared for me the way Brian does.''
''And nobody else can care for me the way Santana does,'' Brittany explained. ''Just because I'm waiting doesn't mean I'm hurting or missing out on anything.''
''Yes but-''
''I remember once you said that you wouldn't have chose Ethan if Brian had just sucked it up and admitted he loved you...just you. You said that all you had needed was those three words from him. Here's the thing you have to understand, she did it.''
''Did what?''
''Santana did what Brian couldn't do back then - she told me she loved me. Loved me in that serious, passionate way. She laid it all out. All the things I always dreamed she would say...she said them. She gave me those three words and she meant them too. She told me she loved me and I...I...I...''
Justin leaned in, concerned.
''I told her I couldn't be with her. For years I gave myself to Santana and for years she broke my heart. I didn't know if I could survive her pulling away or hurting me again so I pulled away to protect myself. To see if what I felt for her could change. Maybe even a tiny part of me wanted to believe I could have actual feelings for someone else but looking back now... It just feels like the biggest fucking mistake of my life.''
''I used to think Ethan was the biggest mistake of mine, but he wasn't. In order for me to grow and come into my own and for Brian to start seeing me as his true equal I had to break away for awhile.''
''And I have. I broke away and I tried with another and guess what? What Santana gives me was worth a thousand, a million times more than anything anyone else could offer. I know what I'm doing when I say I'm waiting.''
Justin nodded, as if he now fully understood how deeply her dedication and loyalty ran and how seriously Brittany took it. She knew what she was doing and needed no protecting. This was her own heart and she knew what it was capable of enduring.
''I just can't stand to see you upset is all,'' he said, tilting his head.
''I know. You don't want to see me get hurt and I appreciate it. I'm not saying it's all roses. Like obviously it's so not but everyone's bound to get a scraped knee or two in life. Even when it looks like all is lost you just have to keep getting up again and again. You taught me that.''
Justin smiled sweetly. ''You're a genius, you know that right?''
''Well, it runs in the family.''
They laughed quietly together and Justin reached out to offer Brittany the cherry from his bowl of ice cream. She took it from the stem and bowed her head slightly in thanks.
''But I do like her, Britt. I mean that.''
''She likes you too and for Santana that's huge. She pretty much hates everyone.''
''One thing I've learned from Brian is there's truly no better feeling in the world than being loved by someone who hates everyone.''
''Trust me I know.''
They stayed there for another hour talking about nothing and everything and yes, Madonna's new album and Britney's new single and Beyonce's new video and by the end of their evening together the atmosphere was a lot more jovial and playful. When they decided to call it a night they took a cab to the loft.
''I should walk you up,'' Justin said once the vehicle came to a halt outside of the building and he attempted to follow Brittany as she slide herself out.
''I'm fine.'' She rolled her eyes at his over-protectiveness and gently shut the door, enclosing him into the backseat. She leaned down to speak through the window. ''It's been a long day. You should go home to the second sexiest person in Pittsburgh.''
Justin scoffed at such an insinuation through laughter. ''He's not second, she's second.''
''In your dreams.''
''This isn't over, Pierce.''
''Not by a long shot, Taylor.''
They said goodnight then though Justin made the cab driver wait until she was safely inside the building before driving off. Once inside Brittany took a few deep breathes, preparing herself for whatever was to come. She just hoped Santana had gotten through most of her funk and would allow Brittany to touch and talk to her without deflecting. She just wanted to show her that she was here no matter what and that she always would be. Brittany was determined to kill her with kindness and comfort and acceptance.
''San?'' she called out after sliding open the heavy door and walking into the darkened loft. When there was no response and no movement she made for the bedroom. ''Santana?''
There was nothing but a sad kind of stillness and silence that greeted her again.
The loft was empty.
X
Stay tuned. And thank you.