The Devil Wears a Bow
So, as it was trending all yesterday, and as my roommate made a painstaking effort to stab me metaphorically in the mind with… Clive Addison will be making his directorial debut in the next Stumbleberry Finkbat movie. If you ask me, am I a FAN of the constantly growing monster of a series? Well, yes and no. My best friends and my ex would kill me for saying this, but I am painfully aware of the flaws in the world of magic and mischief. Namely, where are the girls?
Yup, it's the first series where I could REALLY understand why my practically asexual being of an ex-boyfriend was so obsessed with it. Rings are passed down from uncle to nephew. Trolls and orcs are sexually ambiguous and just seem to pop up. Not even a tiny smidgeon of an elf princess is worth it; most of Amphelice's scenes are cut for Odof Underhump's overly dramatic monologues.
Ok, this might seem like another unnecessary ranting night for me, especially considering that this is a series where the main character is not even humanoid. It's just irritating when you're with a gang of cosplaying Finkies all the time and your choices are far more limited than theirs will ever be. It leaves a foul taste in your mouth even thinking about the movies. My only hope is that the newest will be an improvement.
She is so right about everything like always. I love this blog.
Jesus Christ, can we go ONE post without Isabella crying about her ex?
Psycho feminist
I agree, Finkbat is so overrated
Is, pleez get over your BF. I miss when you used to write all those awesome dating tips.
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DISLIKE. DISLIKE. DISLIKE.
"Are you ok, Iz?"
Isabella Garcia-Shapiro peeled her eyes away from laptop and glanced at the pretty girl standing next to her, offering her a coffee. "I'm fine." She said reluctantly.
"Well, I got you a coffee." Madison said brightly.
"Thanks Madison." Isabella took a sip. It was black. Like always. She would probably chuck it later when the girl wasn't looking. Isabella didn't actually have anything personally against Madison. It's just her sunny disposition combined with her strawberry-blonde locks reminded her too much of a certain boy.
"Isabella," Isabella heard the long drawn-out drawl of her boss coming from her office. "Could I see you for a minute?"
"Well, just a minute, Madison." Isabella was eager to get up and go.
Isabella didn't sit at a tiny cubicle. Her desk and space was nice, after all The Devil raked in a lot of hits, although it was open with no privacy. Dressed to Kill wasn't a big budget magazine, it was just a little website, be it a very very popular one. The only fancy office was Ivana's.
Ivana pulled up her triangular glasses from around the chain they dangled from and propped them back on her nose. Ivana wasn't QUITE what Isabella had pictured her journalistic mentor to be, but she was kind of turning into one nonetheless.
"Iz," She somewhat wagged a finger. "I want to talk about your latest post."
"Yeah…" Somewhere in the back of Isabella's mind, she was sensing this wasn't going to go well. "It got a lot of views, didn't it?"
"Yes…"
"And like people agree with me and the argument, except for the typical sexist trolls?"
"Yes…"
"So what's the problem?"
"Iz, I get that you like to write about what you want. And I've been really open to letting you do whatever you want because you get hits and write a fun blog. But Dressed to Kill is a women's site for dating, fashion, sex tips… the readers don't really want to see you… roast your ex and stuff he likes every week."
Isabella's mouth dropped open. "So you're saying I've become a man-hater?"
"Well…"
"That… That is so not true!" Isabella said indignantly.
"So you WERE NOT just stalking him online and disliking his posts of him and his girlfriend?" Ivana said wisely.
"F-fiancée." Isabella grumbled under her breath.
"There's your problem!" Ivana exclaimed. She got up and went to her mini-fridge and fiddled around the vast amount of stuff you could stuff inside. "When's the last time you went on a date?" She mumbled from inside the fridge.
"I dunno." Isabella fiddled with her fingers. "What is that?" She looked in horror at the brown-green sludge in a bottle Ivana pulled out.
"Oh," Ivana said nonchalantly. "I'm not eating this month. Total juice cleanse for 25 days. Anyway, I would have AT LEAST bedded that yummy boy toy of yours." She jumped her eyebrows a few times. Isabella turned red. "This tastes like crap." Ivana said, before Isabella even had time to respond. "Iz, it's been 2 years. Your next story is on dating or love like it used to be. That's what your readers miss. And with a new angle. Get it? Got it? Good? Now get out."
So, it would be safe to say that Isabella had a less perfect day at work today. Maybe not the worst day in the history of work days, but all she really wanted to do was get home, shower and get that terrible smell of black coffee out, and just chuck that laptop into the far corner of her bedroom. And she couldn't even get that.
"OHMYHOLY- Isabella!"
"OW! Vanessa!" Isabella exclaimed. "Did you really need to throw something at me?"
"Sorry?" She replied feebly. "It was a reflex." She gestured towards the cushion.
"God, I feel like I need to install an eyewash station near the front door."
"Hey Bella." Ferb said weakly.
It wasn't the first time she had walked in on Ferb and Vanessa making out. It was gross, plain and simple.
"What's for dinner?" She said grumpily.
"Shrimp scampi." Vanessa said lightly.
"And you guys ate without me… again?" Isabella inquired.
"He wanted to wait for you." Vanessa said gently.
"Bad day?" Ferb almost whispered in her ear.
"I'll tell you tonight." She almost whispered back.
Actually, on a regular basis, Isabella (mostly) got along with Vanessa. Roommates who had BFs or GFs were always a pain, and that was even truer when that person was your best friend. Plus, Vanessa was so gorgeous and perfect and just made Isabella feel inferior in every way. Still, she was pretty much all that Isabella had as a "gang" nowadays, besides Ferb.
Still, she ate in her room in solitude and almost darkness to protest.
There was knocking at the door. "Knock, knock."
"You don't have to say 'knock, knock' when you're knocking. I figured you of all people would know that." It seems like he took it as an ok to come in. She'd allow it.
"Vanessa is gone."
"K." Isabella did eat her dinner, but after she finished, took to lying on her bed, foot side first, as a sign of her desperation.
"OK." Ferb scooched next to her on the bed and gently took her head in his lap. "What's wrong with my Bella?"
"Do you want the fixable problem or the unfixable problem?"
"Depends. How unfixable are we talking?"
"The 'Phineas Flynn is engaged' kind."
"Ah…"
It is very very unlikely that the gang from Maple Drive would have guessed that Phineas Flynn would have dumped his longtime college girlfriend and childhood friend, potentially childhood sweetheart, after four whole years of faithful dating, right after graduation. Even more unlikely that he would get swept off his feet by a new girl, a FRENCH girl, Barbie LaChapelle. An almost cliché dumb blonde who just so couldn't be his type, right? Although his type was this or that, there was no spectrum. Traveling Europe with a literal Barbie doll just made Isabella's blood boil.
"You do know disliking pictures of Phineas isn't going to help anything, right?" Ferb said wisely.
"Stop stalking me." She said weakly.
"Phineas fell in love." Ferb said. "And that might be tough to hear, but I've met them Bella, I know him. He found love. Why don't you let yourself do the same?" Isabella grumbled and flipped so she could just bury her face in his shirt. Yes… let the Ferb abs wash away the pain. "And the second problem?"
Isabella sat up. "My dumb boss says I need to go back to writing more about dating, that's our target, and I need a new idea based on that. I mean, she's the boss and all, and I love her, but she doesn't know everything. She thinks you're a catch and I should be doing you."
"That's a wise woman, my little crumbcake." Ferb wiggled his eyebrows.
"Stop calling me that!" Isabella exclaimed. "She is saying the same thing as you. Start dating again, play the field, and so on. No one actually realizes how hard that is and how many weirdoes there are. And I couldn't take her seriously with that atrocious juice she was drinking… to cleanse herself." Suddenly, Isabella's eyes lit up. "I have my angle."
Don't kill me. So it is... past 3 am in the morning here, I am very deranged. Recently, I've been doing this thing where I post previews of shit I want to turn into stories and see if people like it or not. So, like big thumbs up for GUT and Falling Off Bridges, and therefore I wrote them, lol. I COULD NOT get this idea out of my mind from conception. I was wondering if I could whittle it down into a one shot or something small, but grrrr. I could do small-ER, but not small. But there's no point in doing it if you guys think it sucks. But do I really want to spoil anything by giving out the title and summary... obviously NOT, hence the name PREVIEW.
I'll hopefully update Bridges soon. I was in a dark place recently, probably will discuss in an AN and didn't want to write a dark story. GUT just updated last week.