A/N: I'm not really sure how to do this but a heads up just in case someone needs one. There's discussion of sex rooms, violence, hate crimes and HIV/AIDS within this chapter. QAF handled a lot of political and social issues and it was always my plan to show Santana and Brittany encountering and contemplating these things. I don't claim to be all knowing about all of these subjects but I hope I approached them delicately and respectfully.
X
and if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones
cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs
setting fire to our insides for fun
- Daughter
X
''I know what I'm talking about, trust me. I'm telling you this is not Kylie Minogue,'' Santana said to Brian.
''And I'm telling you it is,'' Brian countered.
''No, this is Robyn,'' Justin said, throwing in his two cents.
''Oh my god,'' Brittany groaned, shaking her head, ''you're all so wrong this is Gwen Stefani!''
It was a couple of days after they had turned Woody's inside out and Santana and Brittany had joined Brian and Justin for a night out at Babylon. The club was packed as usual with hundreds of shimmying bodies on the dance floor and the four of them were standing about at the tall bar in conversation, bickering over the loud dance track playing. Or more specifically who was singing said dance track.
It was during this silly squabble that Lindsay and Melanie showed up. Apparently Brian had been annoying them via text messages throughout the night until he had finally convinced them both to come join them.
''We're staying for exactly one drink and then we're out of here,'' Melanie said as greeting to everyone. She still looked a little worn out from two nights before.
''You look like shit,'' Santana said with a wince. She'd feel badly if it wasn't so hilarious.
''Mel and I haven't had a night like that in ages,'' Lindsay explained, ''it takes us longer to recover now.''
''Now-now, Santana, not everyone can roll out of bed and look like us,'' Brian said with a playful glint in his eyes. ''You must always be mindful of the less fortunate.''
''Screw you and get me a drink,'' Lindsay gave the man a jab in his side.
''I hope you two didn't get the wrong idea of us,'' Melanie said looking to Brittany and Santana, ''Linds and I have had our wild nights in the past but drinking like that isn't something we do now.''
''We got a little carried away celebrating our moving back,'' Lindsay added, wanting to make it clear they were no party animals.
''I'm actually surprised you bothered to invite us out, or me at least,'' Mel said to Brian, as the two of them while friends weren't particularly the best of pals.
Brian opened his mouth and let it hang open as if offended. ''What? I had to. Your return to Liberty Avenue isn't official until you've been to Babylon. This is the first time either of you have been here since we rebuilt. You haven't seen the remodel yet.''
''You can't leave without at least one dance,'' Justin encouraged.
''YES,'' Brittany shouted, widening her eyes at the possibility of getting the other female pair on the dance floor.
''I'd love to see you dance, Mel,'' Santana said, ''I mean I could use a good laugh.''
Brian provided the two older women bottles of water and went to stand between them, placing his arms around each of their shoulders. ''Exactly. So why not stay and bask in the thumpa-thumpa with us?''
''I do miss that thumpa-thumpa,'' Lindsay sighed to herself.
''Never thought I'd say this but...me too,'' Melanie said, looking up and absorbing the atmosphere of Babylon.
''Notice the new lighting, better sound system,'' Brian announced quite proudly, ''I've also made a few small but significant changes to make Babylon an even more inclusive place. I have you know I made sure when they were drawing up the blueprints there was a special section quartered off - the ladies have their own backroom now.''
Brittany looked to everyone. ''What's the backroom?''
Lindsay shot a chastising glare at Brian and leaned towards both Santana and Brittany in a very protective way. ''No place you two need to visit.''
Intrigued with the art professor's reaction Santana spoke up. ''Okay, now I gotta know. What the hell's a backroom?''
''The backroom in Babylon is where the men go to hook up,'' Melanie informed them and wrinkled up her nose as she did so as if repulsed, ''it's that maze of a hallway through that doorway. It's a fucking den of debauchery.''
''Exactly,'' Brian laughed as he pointed off to a doorway in the opposite direction, ''and now through that hallway there is a second backroom specifically for any of our female club goers who wish to partake and get their sin on.''
''What?'' Santana nearly coughed up her drink.
Babylon, apparently, had a couple of rooms set up for random sexual encounters.
Up until this point she had only really seen the bright, fluffy side of Liberty Avenue. Staring at the two doorways on the other side of the club she came to the realization there was still a lot to discover about this place.
''So wait a second,'' Santana held up her hand, getting Brian's attention, ''you're telling me that you just walk inside one and-what?''
''And fuck,'' Brian raised his shoulders as if this were the most obvious answer. ''Single people looking to hookup, couples wanting a place to get their rocks off. It all happens in the backrooms. Safely of course.''
''Are you serious?'' Brittany's eyes lit up, intrigued and scandalized.
Justin became alarmed at his cousin's curiosity. ''I think the backroom might be a little too grown up for you, Britt.''
''Uh, excuse me,'' Brittany laughed at his concern, ''weren't you running around this place when you were seventeen?''
Justin held up his finger as is about to refute this but found he had nothing to say and simply closed his mouth.
''She has you there,'' Brian said in support of Brittany. Fair was fair.
''I'm plenty grown up, thank you,'' Brittany told her cousin. ''You should know more than anyone else how irritating it is when everyone around you treats you like a baby.''
''I know-I know,'' Justin exhaled, knowing full well what she meant and realizing he had overstepped. ''I'm sorry.''
Meanwhile Melanie grumbled at Brian and his inclusion of two new backrooms with the newest version of Babylon. She saw the rooms and everything they stood for as a blight on the image of the community. According to her it played into the promiscuous stereotype and reflected poorly upon them all in the process.
Brian picked up on the lawyer's annoyance. ''Ah, I have missed your sour face, Mel.''
''And here for a moment I thought you had actually matured,'' Melanie countered with more than a hint of disappointment.
''Listen to me Melanie...are you listening?'' Brian asked, leaning in towards her almost obnoxiously close to her ear. ''…We're queer; we dance when we want to dance and we fuck when we want to fuck, that is our god given right.''
''For the record - who here exactly has had sex in public?'' Melanie questioned looking around their little group.
Santana and Brittany along with Justin and Brian raised their hands with no shame. After a few seconds Lindsay timidly did so as well.
''What?'' Lindsay looked to her wife. ''It was before I met you. And I do recall hearing about some pretty wild times in your past.''
''In my past. Look I'm not a prude, you know that more than anyone but I just don't get the appeal,'' Melanie said, aware that she was the odd one out. ''I can understand sneaking a quickie with your partner in the backseat of a car or in the heat of the moment somewhere sure but to have designated rooms set up for sexual encounters in our own establishments it-it-it perpetuates the idea that we're deviants and we're not.''
''Whoa. Just because people enjoy sex in ways you don't it doesn't make them deviants,'' Brittany spoke up. She didn't look outright offended but she did look firm with her stance.
''I know that and you know that yeah,'' Melanie reasoned, ''but the straight world doesn't.''
''Who gives a fuck what the straight world thinks?'' Brian questioned. ''Besides you said it yourself a couple days ago as I watched you puke your guts out with me - you said we're no role models. I for one know I'm not.''
''Yeah obviously, I don't think anyone's ever going to mistake you for one,'' Melanie scoffed.
Lindsay interjected. ''I'm not saying I condone everything that goes on in the backroom but...better here than god knows where.''
''See,'' Brian threw a hand up as if in victory and then turned to Santana and Brittany, ''where do you two fall on this?''
Brittany took a sip of her beverage and waved her hand about as if to say pass; she didn't look interested in being caught in the middle of this little debate. All eyes then came to focus on Santana.
''What? I'm not going to say one way or another, good, bad, right, wrong,'' Santana answered with a laugh, ''it's not my place to be making any pronouncements or whatever the hell about anyone's sex life, no one sure as hell has any right to be making any about mine.''
''Gee, that sounds an awfully lot like a Brian Kinney spiel,'' Melanie teased, ''he must be rubbing off on you.''
Santana held up her finger. ''First of all ew, take that back and second of all - and I'm going to let this pass because you're just barely getting to know me - but I think for myself. I don't give a shit what Brian thinks.''
''It's true, she really doesn't,'' Justin nodded in agreement.
''But I just barely came out myself,'' Santana said, ''and I'm just now accepting the idea that no one else has the right to tell me how I live my life. I'm not going to turn around and tell someone else how they should be living theirs, even if I don't agree with it. If someone wants to screw around in the back room of a club - that's their life and their choice.''
''Lopez, I gotta say I have a newfound respect for you,'' Brian said with open admiration for her somewhat 'enlightened' response.
''Don't be gross,'' she said as if gaining his respect disgusted her.
''But she makes a valid point,'' Lindsay appraised, ''no one has the right to police the lives of others.''
The conversation continued for awhile and it ultimately led to Melanie and Brian bickering with each other about the politics of sex and social responsibility and the intersection between them and Lindsay and Justin occupied themselves by ordering drinks and getting chummy with each other. They were more than happy to leave their partners to squabble, as if sensing that somehow Brian and Melanie had missed these friendly squabbles and sniping. Brian, very much like Santana, seemed to enjoy ruffling Melanie's feathers.
Brittany and Santana meanwhile made their escape.
As much as the others were really growing on Santana she was more interested in getting away with Brittany from some one on one time. She and Brittany grabbed a couple of drinks from the countertop and made their way over to a strange little darkly lit alcove in the corner of the club that housed a large, elaborate cushioned bench. They came to rest on said bench, leaning back and relaxing with the tiny bit of privacy the alcove partitions granted them.
''The club looks really good tonight,'' Santana said, looking out through the opening at the packed dance floor.
''You look good tonight.''
''Oh yeah?''
Brittany gave her the cutest, sexiest little grin and began to lay a series of slow, small kisses upon her bare shoulder. ''You look gorgeous.''
''Is that so?'' Santana tilted her head to the side, allowing Brittany to peck her repeatedly.
''Mmmhmm. I love when you wear strapless dresses.''
''You do?''
''I do,'' Brittany hummed against her skin. ''You're the most beautiful person here tonight.''
Unable to resist those adorable pink lips any longer Santana took Brittany's chin in hand and guided it up so their mouths could meet. Santana smiled into it, pleased with Brittany's eagerness. She slid a tan hand over to a smooth pale thigh and traced tiny invisible shapes with her fingertips, confident in the knowledge that later on that night she would retrace the same paths with her tongue. And even though she knew Brittany would probably let her slide her hand further she made no attempt to inch up. The night was young and she still planned to finish her drink and drag Brittany onto the dance floor for a round or two around it, but she did so enjoy riling the blonde up.
Said blonde let out a tiny disappointed whimper when Santana ended the kiss and moved her head slightly away so they could both take a breath.
''You're a tease,'' Brittany pouted and then bit down on her own lip.
''And you're just buttering me up because you want us to go check out the backroom.''
Brittany burst out into rapid laughter. ''What? No.''
Santana raised a questioning eyebrow at her. Brittany could be the sweetest person on earth, but she knew more than anyone that with the drop of a hat the girl could turn into a naughty little scamp as well. It was one of the things she loved about her. It was one of the things that always kept that sexual spark interesting and alive between them.
Brittany hadn't been interested in the debate of the political correctness of the backrooms but that didn't mean she wasn't interested in them at all.
''But since you brought it up-''
''And there it is.''
''-what do you think?''
Santana sipped at her drink and winced at it's strength. ''About the backroom?''
Brittany nodded. ''The one for girls anyway.''
''They're both basically just sex dungeons, you know that right?''
''Yeah, I got that part. I know you're not against them like Melanie but like you didn't say you were for them either so.''
''I'm not entirely sure one way or another, but obviously you're curious.''
''What? Don't tell me you aren't. You don't want to see what it's about?''
''Sex, Britt. Sex is what it's about. And maybe.''
''Maybe?''
Santana laughed as she gave thought. ''I'm not opposed to taking a peek but what are we talking here? Do you actually want to do something in there or what?''
''Honestly, seriously that didn't even cross my mind,'' Brittany finished her own beverage off with a shrug. ''I just say we go take a look that's all. No harm, right?''
''Checking it out could be a fun, dirty little adventure,'' Santana had to admit her own curiosity, ''when in Rome and all that. Plus when will we ever come across another sex dungeon?''
''Other than your own,'' Brittany said, in reference to Santana's dark bedroom layout.
''True.''
''And as for anything else...well...it's not like we haven't done it in public before. Like we even did it in this building already. We've had sex in way more scandalous places if you ask me.''
''That's true. I mean, we are banned from all Chuck E. Cheese establishments for a reason.'' Santana squinted off as she recalled a certain memory.
''Yeah I think I enjoyed my sister's birthday party way more than she did that day.''
''I know I will never look at ball pits the same way ever again.''
''Like I said,'' Brittany continued, already looking excited with the prospect of a future field trip to the backroom for women, ''I just think we should see what this backroom is all about. If we go and something happens between me and you there, then it happens. If not then so what. We'll still get a wild story out of it.''
Santana had to admit, she wanted a peek if for nothing else the bragging rights.
''So yay or nay?''
''Maybe. But later yeah?'' With her beverage finished and gone Santana stood up and offered one of her hands to Brittany. She pulled her up and made her do a little turn and then led them to the center of the club. ''Right now what do you say you and me get our dance on?''
''I say I'd love to.''
And just like that they gave themselves over to the thumpa-thumpa.
There really was something about that dance floor she thought as she and Brittany took to it.
There was a certain energy she felt from knowing that this in it's own way was a shared experience. The throbbing beat wasn't just moving through her, it was moving through everyone in that room. Everyone was looking for salvation, from their own lives, their own troubles, their own pains and heartaches and it looked as if all who chose to step onto this dance floor walked away with some sense of elation.
This is what it felt like, she thought, to be delivered.
Even though she was surrounded by complete strangers there was something beautiful and comforting in that.
There was also something beautiful and comforting in having Brittany in her arms and feeling not one ounce of trepidation.
For the next hour they laughed and danced and goofed and even found themselves making friends when a group of young people recognized them from their performances at Woody's and begged them to hang out. The group consisted of several girls and a couple of guys, all of them appeared to be college-aged, some perhaps even younger but they all looked to her and Brittany with a sort of awe in their eyes as if they thought they were in the presence of karaoke rockstars.
The group even joined them all on the dance floor where they all moved together, trading partners every few minutes, just happy to be free and moving under the bright lights and constant rain of confetti. And when Brittany eventually took a break from the dance floor to go grab a drink of water and see what Justin was up to Santana immediately offered to go along but the girl shook off the thought. ''Stay, dance,'' Brittany had whisper-shouted into her ear. Brittany urged her to stay and enjoy herself with the others around and after a quick peck she was off, walking through a sea of people.
As Brittany disappeared towards the bar Santana turned to realize her dance partners had changed. Two of the young girls in the group now moved before her, all grins, as they began to dance along with her.
Santana swallowed, trying to hide her nervousness.
Sure, she danced with girls all the time on the squad and in glee but this was different. These were girls just like her, like Brittany.
It was just a dance of course and Brittany had told her that this would be a part of it she reminded herself. Spending time with other young women their age and simply enjoying their company - it was something she needed to do, something she owed to herself.
''You guys make like the cutest couple,'' one commented, throwing a nod in Brittany's departing direction.
''Yeah,'' the other girl said with a laugh, ''your girlfriend's the most amazing dancer I've ever seen.''
''Thanks,'' Santana said, feeling at ease with their complimentary chatter.
''And you're not so bad yourself. My girlfriend has two left feet,'' one joked and tossed her head to the side, indicating her girlfriend dancing a few feet away with a couple of others.
And again the other spoke up, ''yeah but at least your left footed girlfriend attempts to dance. I'm lucky if I can even get mine into a club, she's such a homebody.''
It went like that for a little while, moving to the music as they went back and forth in friendly chatter. Santana found herself relaxing enough to feel more than comfortable placing a hand on each of their shoulders in order to draw them in closer. The three of them sliding into a sort of triangular formation as they danced together.
It felt good. It felt nice. It didn't really compare to dancing with Brittany but they were fun and they made her feel seen. Made her feel welcome.
Made her feel...a part of something.
Brittany returned a few songs later and together they danced with more cute girls and cute boys. All of the interactions happened in this wonderfully chaotic blur - these friendships she knew from the get go weren't the kind that were going to live on. These were those kind of micro-friendships, the kind that would only last for a night but in the moment they felt real and significant and profound. She talked existentialism with a brainy and gorgeous tomboy sporting a slanted baseball cap. She waited in line for the bathroom and judged passing people's footwear with another. She and Brittany did shots with two other young female couples, comparing stories and debating on who had the best meet cute (Brittany looked ready to throw down if anyone challenged her and Santana's).
They never made it over to check out the backroom, Brittany had seemed to forget about it for the time being and it was really no matter to Santana as by this point she was beginning to get it then, why this was important. These were her peers and with each step, each dance, each interaction she found yet another part herself. Connecting to others their age, having a laugh with them and understanding them somehow, someway gave herself just a little more insight into herself.
It was exhilarating.
She loved every second of it. Judging by the giant grin on Brittany's face she was loving it too.
They bumped into Lindsay and Melanie on the dance floor later on and she even spotted Justin and Brian, their hands linked and swinging between their bodies, entering the backroom designated for men. Santana smiled and shook her head not even wanting to know what they were off and up to and turned back to the dance floor and to Brittany, putting her hands on the girl's hips and pulling her close and closing her eyes as their foreheads met.
Yes, she was definitely getting used to the thumpa-thumpa of Babylon.
X
''...no, I totally love it but in this scene I think Snix's smirk should be a little more...sexy and seductive.''
''Sexy and seductive, got it,'' Justin repeated as he adjusting the drawing to her likings on his computer.
The next day Brittany and Justin were sitting around in his art space at the high table in the center of the room. They had picked up some sandwiches from a deli and went to his old studio so he could show her the samples of what he had finished so far with the graphic novel. He had wanted to make sure she was happy with the progress he was making and was open to hearing suggestions about the final details.
Rage the comic wasn't simply a cartoon. It wasn't so much Archie, more so like Batman and this special issue they were working on was no different. Within this comic Snix the character wasn't painted as some fluffy do-gooder. She was dark, she was edgy and imperfect and above all else, she was written as complex. The story Brittany had molded was fun, adventurous, sexy, it worked on that basic entertaining level, but it also said something about bravery, about friendship, about finding the savior within yourself. Justin said he believed in this story and he was serious about making sure the art was just as interesting, engaging and beautiful to go hand in hand with it's message.
''Remember,'' Brittany continued, ''Snix totally stands for liberation and equality but like she also makes the female population of Gayopolis swoon too.''
''Noted. So what do you think of this,'' Justin flipped through a few printouts before handing over a drawing of the comic book version of Brittany, or rather the character loosely based on her. ''This is Bethany, or what I think Bethany should look like anyway. You didn't give me many notes on this character but I kind of took some liberties.''
Brittany blinked down at the drawing of this character who was the spitting image of herself. Tall, blonde with blue eyes and a soft smile.
''This is amazing...this is me.''
Justin beamed, happy to see her happy. He handed her another sketch, this one had her comic book alter ego standing beside his comic book alter ego. They stood together, leaning into each other in a friendly sort of side hug. Bethany just a couple inches taller than JT.
''Oh my god,'' she laughed at seeing these drawn out versions of themselves on paper.
''JT and Bethany don't share any scenes in your story but,'' Justin shrugged and looked bashful, ''I had to draw it. It was fun.''
''Can I keep this?''
''Of course. I wanted to show you my version of Bethany - of you - in case you wanted me to change anything before we go further.''
Brittany looked down at the papers scattered before her and shook her head. ''No, everything's pretty much just how I imagined it, except better. Everything looks great. I knew it would. Your work is always awesome.''
She grabbed her messenger bag and pulled out a large notebook which she opened. She placed the drawing of them between two pages and closed it for safekeeping. She was in the process of stuffing it back in her bag when out of the corner of her eye she saw Justin's drawing hand tense and shake slightly. He wiggled it about before using his other hand to massage it deeply. After a moment he attempted to go back to drawing only for it to tremble once more.
Brittany reached over and placed one of her hands over his slightly trembling one.
''We should take a break, you haven't finished your sandwich yet,'' she said, fully aware that he didn't like when others brought attention to his shakes. It was easier to hide her concern by urging him to eat.
''I'm fine,'' he said with a smile, gently removing her hand and trying once more to go back to his drawing.
Again, his hand shook and again she went to hold it.
''Please,'' she quietly urged.
''Britt, I'm okay.''
She shook her head. ''I love everything you've done here but don't push yourself to the point of hurting.''
''I can handle this.''
''When I asked you to work on this I didn't mean...if I had thought it was going to put pressure on your hand I wouldn't have-''
''My hand cramps all the time and I work through it all the time. I said I'm fine,'' he sighed with a bit of agitation in his voice. ''What's that you said to me just recently - you more than anyone should know how irritating it is to have everyone around you infantilize you. ''
''Hey,'' she said, catching his tone and not having it, ''I'm not infantilizing you and you know it.''
She reached for the electronic pen he used with his tablet and pulled it out of his hand and placed it down onto the table with force to make her point. She knew of course his frustration wasn't with her, but with his hand and his discomfort when people brought attention to it.
''I'm sorry,'' he apologized for the tone he took and how misplaced it was. ''I'm sorry. I know you're not. You never have.''
''I never will.''
Because that was the kind of relationship they had. Trusting and supportive yes, but when push came to shove they were fully capable of calling each other on their shit.
Brittany Pierce and Justin Taylor weren't always sunshine and unicorns after all.
And one of the few things that could shatter through their sweet exteriors to instantly reveal all of their complexities was the memory of that one night several years before that forever altered Justin's life and rippled throughout their family.
Brittany thought back to number 68.
Chris Hobbs.
She hated that number. She hated that name. She hated that face.
The previous week she had come across it in that old weathered sketchbook of Justin's from his high school days. The minute she saw that number and that face she couldn't stop herself from crumbling it up and destroying it, her abruptness even took Santana by surprise.
The thought of that night and what Chris fucking Hobbs did to Justin and by extension her family never ceased to birth something dark and furious in her all over again, each and every time.
Chris Hobbs was the reason Justin would forever live with that tremble in his hand.
She remembers that event with a painful sort of clarity.
She was thirteen when it happened.
Her family had gotten a phone call late one night from her aunt Jennifer. She had heard the conversation between her aunt and her parents, only picking up bits and pieces of it. All she could gather was that something happened, something happened to Justin.
That was all she needed to know.
Within the hour her parents had arranged for a family friend to take her younger sister for a few days and had tried to talk Brittany into staying in Lima as well, at least until they knew more, at least until things calmed down, but she wouldn't hear of it. She was going with them she said. Her mind was made.
Once they were in Pittsburgh it had been a mad rush to the hospital. She remembered how the adults were allowed in to see Justin briefly even though he wasn't awake, but that her parents insisted she wait outside in the hall. Everything had just happened and Justin had yet to be properly cleaned up and they were worried about her seeing him that way.
But later on in the wee hours of the night when Jennifer and her parents stepped out to talk to a group of nurses and doctors she slipped in the door and closed it behind herself.
What she saw...it was the first moment of her young life where she felt anger burning and coursing through her veins. Justin was in his prom suit, his impossibly white pristine dress shirt splattered with blood. He was unconscious and hooked up to machines, attached to wires everywhere.
Her tears came without warning and she allowed them to fall as she made her way to the bed. Overwhelmed but unafraid she went to him and carefully, so very carefully crawled up to lay at his side, to hug him. Embrace him. She hoped that wherever you went when you go to asleep like that, that he could feel her and know she was there, know they were all there and that maybe her warmth would bring him back to them.
The night it happened Brittany held him until morning.
It.
The next day someone would recall the events that led to him in that hospital bed. How Justin had asked Brian to his senior year prom, and how Brian had brushed off the invitation at first but then for some reason changed his mind and showed up. How they took the spotlight and danced in front of everyone and after they laughed and goofed and kissed they parted ways outside of the building.
And then how a classmate, someone who had continually harassed and ridiculed Justin - Chris Hobbs - appeared from somewhere.
Several yards away Brian saw what was about to happen and ran towards Justin trying to stop it, but he had been too late. Chris Hobbs, number 68, got to Justin first.
And that was that.
The story made her sick and yet for the following two weeks she replayed it in her head over and over as she sat in that hospital room with her cousin.
And sometimes through the blurry vision of her own teary eyes she'd get a glimpse of someone, of strangers standing outside in the hall looking into the room through the large window. Sometimes the person was alone, sometimes they were in groups or pairs. She hadn't been entirely sure who they were.
It hadn't hit her until several days into her and Santana's visit but thinking on it now she had, at thirteen, seen a heartbroken Debbie through that window. And another instance, there were two men who she now realized to be Ted and Emmett, hugging each other's sides as if to comfort the other. And now that she thought about it, she had also seen Melanie and Lindsay shuffling around the hospital floor several times. She thinks she might have even seen Daphne quietly sobbing in a chair in passing. Of course of all of them she most remembers that first terrifying night when the news came and her family drove for hours to get there and how she and her parents approached the hallway leading to the room Justin was being worked on and seeing who she now knew to be Brian. He was covered in Justin's blood and looked soul dead as Michael tried to comfort him.
Her younger self had no idea who any of these people were but looking back on the event now she was glad they were around. She was glad other people had showed up for Justin and she hoped he felt them, just as she hoped he felt her too.
When it happened it was then and there that she knew no one was going to tell her who to be or how to be.
Because fuck the world, she thought watching over Justin, fuck the world and anyone in it who could hurt someone like Justin, someone like her. Fuck them and their rules and their stupid small minds, she thought.
Brittany Pierce wasn't going to play this game everyone else was so compliant to take part in.
She had always known who she was. It was always there, she always felt it. Her first kiss had been with a girl, and the first time she held hands it had been with a boy and both moments had meant something to her. Each of them had given her butterflies. For whatever reason this knowledge never came with agony or trepidation. She came to know herself very early on and while it wasn't without some fumbling about, she felt an ease and peace with herself that made it possible for her to navigate.
She was bi and she was proud. She wasn't about to make any apologies.
And after what happened with Justin it made her more certain in what she had to do. She told herself she was never going to hide or deny or fight who she was. She didn't owe this world that, not after what it did to Justin. Not for one day, not for one minute, not for one second. She promised herself she wasn't going to let the world tell her what she was allowed to be or who she was allowed to love. The world wasn't going to scare her from being who she was. Who she was born to be.
The event with Justin didn't shape who she was because she had already known who she was all along but to a certain level it did make her want to be unrepentant in it.
Seeing what the world was capable of doing to someone like Justin, someone like her, who believed in goodness and magic, others might have crawled back into some closet and been content to ride it out there tucked away. If that's what others needed to do for awhile, if that was a part of someone else's journey, she understood, but she knew that for herself there was no going back.
It just wasn't in her DNA.
The day Justin woke up was one of the happiest days of her life. Days later after he settled in and adjusted and spent time with other members of the family she sat with him again. He told her he was glad to see her, to be awake and even though she wanted to cry she forced a laugh instead, simply telling him she knew he was going to come back and wake up. ''Me and you, we're made of magic that way,'' she said, trying to lighten the moment, knowing he needed a smile.
They talked for awhile there but before she ended the visit she took his hand and told him how before all of this she knew he was always going to be the first one she told and that she didn't plan to do it like this but since they were here now she wanted him to know her, all of her.
She came out to him as bisexual.
He was the first person she ever said it out loud to. Justin squeezed her hand and thanked her for sharing. He acknowledged her and he saw her and he thanked her for letting him know her in that way. She knew he was just secretly pleased to finally have a visitor want to have a conversation about something else other than the ugliness that led to him in that hospital bed.
Because that was another thing they shared - they never wanted anyone to ever see them as victims.
And in all of that, she never once saw him as a victim.
After he was bashed in the head he recovered physically for the most part, the only real physical effect that stayed with him was the hand tremor. Her parents had explained it to her once all technical like, about brain lobes and motor functions and such. But all she really needed to know was that Chris Hobbs had very nearly taken her cousin's life and even though Justin woke up from his coma and took that life back he still had to work to regain the strength in his drawing hand.
For that and for so many things she would never forgive Chris Hobbs.
He was the only thing in this world she would ever hate.
Justin might have been slightly older and he might have seen their relationship differently but in her head and heart she always felt like she was the one looking after him. The one watching over him.
Or maybe they were always watching over each other.
''Look,'' Brittany said gathering her thoughts and taking a breath, ''I appreciate you actually working on this story for me but if it's hurting you...don't, Justin.''
He flexed his open hand and stared down at it for a moment before looking up and addressing her very softly and carefully. ''I can do this, Britt.'' He tossed a head nod at a pile of large canvasses leaning up against a wall. ''All of my work hurts me just a little, but I take it and I use it. I turn all this hurt into something and that makes it worth it.''
Brittany swallowed, feeling uncertain. He reached across the table and placed his drawing hand on top of one of hers in reassurance.
''This is what I do and I've learned how to work with my hand. It's my career but I never push myself to the point of real pain and I always check in with my doctor if I feel like I need to. I promise I do stop when I need to rest it.''
''Promise?'' she asked, placing her free hand against a part of his hair and smoothing it over.
''Promise.''
''I just don't want you to put yourself out over a dumb comic-''
''Hey, this isn't dumb,'' he motioned down with his chin to the tabletop. ''You've never had a dumb idea. Remember, genius runs in our family. I believe in this story and I believe in you, Britt.''
''I believe in you too,'' she said, staring down at his slightly shaking hand and thinking that she would trade all of her magic to heal it for him.
In a heartbeat she would. And in a heartbeat she knew he would trade all of his for her.
X
A couple of hours later after leaving Justin and walking about the avenue on her own as she gathered herself Brittany entered the loft to find Santana whipping something up in the kitchen.
She stood makeup-less in a tank top and tiny cheer shorts leading Brittany to believe she had probably been at this for awhile as Santana usually didn't dress this casually unless staying in. In that moment Brittany thought she was both impossibly cute and impossibly hot.
''What's all of this?'' she came to stand with her at the kitchen island. ''Home cooked meal?''
''Don't be too impressed,'' Santana said, ''I'm not exactly Julia Child up in here, it's just mac and cheese.''
''How many boxes did you ruin before you got it right?''
Santana opened her mouth as if to scoff at the insinuation. ''...Two.''
''Better than me,'' Brittany said poking at the items in front of her. ''Why didn't you just buy the little microwavable cups?''
''Because the cups don't come in the Spongebob shapes,'' Santana explained, grabbing the box to display it to Brittany, ''and everybody knows the Spongebob shapes taste better.''
To prove her point she speared a few pieces onto a fork and fed it to Brittany who chewed slowly as if in great contemplation. ''I don't know...I think the Ninja Turtles shapes are superior.''
''Get out of my kitchen.'' Santana pointed off towards the sitting area, her face sporting a false stoney, unamused expression which made Brittany let out a tiny chuckle.
''So is this what you've been doing all evening then? Perfecting your mac and cheese?''
''Pretty much yeah. This and I finally got around to...you know...calling my mom,'' Santana swallowed.
''Oh?'' Brittany widened her eyes.
Since their arrival she knew Santana had been putting that off, she was more content to shoot her parents reassuring text messages than to actually get on the phone line. For Santana to actually make the time and the point to seek out her mother meant something.
''Yeah.''
''Did you, like, tell her or…?'' Brittany trailed off.
''No. I thought about it. I mean over the phone would probably be easier, I could just say it and get it over with but...I think I need her to see me when I tell her, her and my dad. Being face to face is going to make it harder but I feel like that's how I need to do it.''
''I get it. Whatever you feel is right,'' Brittany reached out to cup her cheek and Santana smiled against her palm. ''I'm with you in whatever way you need me to be.''
''When I do it you can be outside waiting in a running car for when they inevitably throw my ass out,'' Santana laughed.
''They're not going to throw you out. They love you.''
Santana sheepishly shrugged.
''They love you,'' Brittany repeated. ''But even if they did...you have somewhere to go, you know that.''
''I know it's probably not even going to come to that but it's in my head.''
''You don't have to do it the minute we get back. You can wait. Just because you came out here doesn't mean you have to do it at home if you're not ready.''
''But I am...ready. I am,'' Santana said with a single sure nod.
''I don't want you to do it for me.''
''I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for me. Don't get me wrong, you're a part of this, Britt, but when I do this it has to be for me.''
Brittany blinked, amazed and impressed with the way Santana was approaching the issue. She was glad she was wanting to do this for her own reasons and in her own time.
''What about you, have you thought about how you're going to tell your parents?'' Santana asked.
Brittany raised a shoulder and hopped up to sit upon the counter. ''I don't really have to come out to them, my parents already know I'm bi. After Justin they were the first to know.''
''Yeah but I mean about us being together - me and you?''
''I think they already know that too,'' Brittany said with a funny little wince. ''Well, my mom does for sure. When I was fifteen she went to double check some of my homework and sorta-maybe-kinda saw 'Brittany Lopez' written like a million times all over the inside of my binder.''
Santana burst out into stunned laughter that almost had her choking on bits of mac and cheese.
''What?'' Brittany asked. ''I was fifteen!''
''You really did that? Brittany Lopez huh?''
''Don't act so smug.''
''Were there glitter pens involved?''
''...maybe…...yes.''
This seemed to please Santana who looked all cute and cocky. Tickled by Brittany's slight embarrassment she laughed again and then went about scrapping the mac and cheese into two bowls very carefully as if it were a serious sort of procedure that needed concentration.
''Anyhow,'' Brittany carried on, ''I plan to tell them we're official when we get home too but I think for the most part my family already worked it out for themselves. I swore him to secrecy which he totally upheld but Justin was the only person I ever told about us, from the very beginning.''
''Yeah I kind of got that impression the first time I met him and he told me how you like to talk his ear off about my 'sweet lady kisses' '' Santana said with a wink. ''What were you guys up to today anyway?''
''We hung out in his studio. He showed me how the comic is shaping up. Then we just...uh...talked family stuff...just boring family stuff.''
Brittany had never actually shared what happened to Justin with Santana.
It was one of the very few things she had actually ever purposely kept from her. It had happened before they had met of course and by the time they did meet it was something Brittany had tucked away in her heart. Never forgotten but rarely discussed, if only for the fact that what was done to him angered her so.
And now that they had made some progress in their relationship, now that they were moving forward Brittany still hesitated to share the memories of that event. Partly because it wasn't her story to tell and partly because even if it had been she wasn't entirely sure if Santana was ready to hear it. Especially now when she was really engaging and working into coming into her own on her own. The last thing Brittany wanted to do was tell her about Justin and that trauma and scare her or make her question the steps she was taking.
Santana had had her moments of protectiveness. Kurt had told Brittany how in the middle of an escalating scuffle Santana had put her body between his and Karofsky's without hesitance. She'd also of course been there for Brittany herself on a few instances where some unwise fool tossed an ugly hurtful word her way. In those moments Santana always reacted with a degree of passion that startled Brittany in it's intensity. That sort of focused rage was never aimed at someone who didn't deserve it. And even though they'd only known each other a short while she had the sense that Santana had taken to Justin. She had a definite playfulness and softness when she was with him and Brittany had to believe that would translate to her feeling protective of him.
Santana had always seen and understood Brittany's magic. Somehow this made it easy for Santana to see and appreciate Justin's too and because of that there was the tiny possibility that Santana could be skittish with her emotions if she was told of that specific event. Brittany didn't want her retreating into herself with all of that information.
'I mean you know what happened to Kurt at this school' Santana had once said so terrified of the targeting and harassment Kurt had to endure. If that so scared Santana Brittany had to wonder if knowing what once happened to Justin would cause an even more pained reaction.
When the time came she would tell that story but not yet, not when Santana was still taking these steps towards herself.
''Hey,'' Santana whispered with soft concern, ''Everything okay? You got all weird and dazed there.''
''Yeah, I'm just...'' Brittany punctuated her sentence with a shrug.
''Is anything wrong? I know you were with Justin. Did you guys have a fight or something?'' Santana paused and gave that more thought. ''I don't even know what you two fighting would look like. I mean that'd have to be the world's most adorable fight ever right?''
''No, no fight. Just tired.''
''Tired?''
Brittany nodded and Santana went to stand between her legs and placed her hands on Brittany's hips, rubbing them in a soothing manner.
''How about this then,'' Santana gave her a single kiss on the forehead as she began, ''why don't you go get cleaned up for dinner and change. You can put on my silk robe because I know how much you love the way it feels against your skin. And then we can have this amazingly romantic cuisine of noodles and cheese I've prepared and get our cuddle on in front of the TV yeah?''
''Can we watch something Disney?''
Santana let out a tiny unhappy moan. Brittany, however, knew that deep down Santana loved Disney movies just as much as she did, she just didn't like watching them with other people around because more often than not Santana would totally tear up. To this day Santana couldn't get through watching The Lion King without having to excuse herself because she would conveniently 'get something in her eye' right at the scene where Simba's father died.
She might have seen Santana as an invincible superhero at times but Brittany knew more than anyone that her girlfriend was also the softest softy ever.
''Okay but I get to be the big spoon,'' Santana laid out her conditions.
Brittany kissed her in appreciation. ''I always knew it ya know.''
''Knew what?''
''That when you finally came around and gave this girlfriend thing a shot, you would be really-really good at it.''
Santana looked almost shocked at Brittany's words. ''You think I'm a good girlfriend?''
''The best.''
A slow smile began on Santana's face, it started small and bashful and flourished into something that completely took over her features. Her eyes went slightly crinkly and she got those cute tiny dimples in her cheeks. She was in that moment, Brittany thought, so very utterly lovely.
They spent the rest of the evening just like that, they ate and curled up in front of the TV with Santana acting as the big spoon. Brittany found herself relaxing in her arms, feeling safe in them enough to shake off the sadness that came with certain memories she had relived earlier in the day.
And as she began to drift off Brittany thought yes, this she wanted to preserve for as long as possible. This calm. This peace. This Santana who was becoming certain of herself, of them, of what they were and where they were headed.
Telling her about that prom night, about Justin and his hand, about Chris Hobbs, that could wait. Later, she thought.
Slumber came to her there in the dim glow of the TV with Santana's breath on the back of her neck.
X
''How is your body even real?''
Santana stared at Brittany in an almost impossible yoga pose with an impressed and lustful look on her face.
Because damn.
It was the next day that they got a call from Lindsay who asked if they'd like to join her for yoga. Brittany said she was down for a little physical and mental exercise and since Santana was down for Brittany in yoga pants they agreed.
It was nearly noon when they navigated their way to a trendy little studio and found Lindsay waiting outside along with Hunter and Ben, Michael's son and husband respectively. They went in and warmed up and once the class started Santana found that despite being pretty fit herself she was oddly the least flexible out of their group.
''Yo, Santana,'' Hunter made a psssst sound from his mat to the right of her, ''you're doing modified cobra but we're in high lunge now.''
''What?'' Santana tore her eyes away from Brittany's ass to look at him. ''Oh right yeah.''
''I wouldn't have pegged you for a fan of yoga, Hunter,'' Brittany whispered from the other side of Santana who struggled on the mat between them.
''I wasn't at first,'' Hunter whispered his answer back, ''But Ben's one of those crunchy health and fitness freaks. I mean I still won't eat his weird vegan food he stocks the fridge with but I kinda dig the yoga, it like totally gives me center.'' He paused and looked to Santana. ''Dude you look like you're in pain.''
''Shut up,'' Santana laughed through her discomfort at the latest position she tucked her body into.
Hunter didn't take it to heart and simply smiled off her response as he himself moved into another position. ''It was fun hanging out with you guys at Deb's party by the way.''
''Yeah,'' Brittany replied, ''don't get me wrong everyone we've met and spent time with has been awesome in their own way but I kind of forgot what it's like to talk to someone our own age. Like I mentioned Tumblr to Michael and he thought I was talking about beverage containers.''
''Well I'm home on summer break too,'' Hunter explained to them both, ''so if you guys ever want to hang, ya know. We could hit up a movie or the mall, oh, I know this fucking amazing bakery that makes like erotic artisan cupcakes.''
''That sounds hilarious and delicious,'' Brittany laughed and then looked to her girlfriend struggling on her mat. ''What do you say, Santana?''
''I think I just popped a hip,'' Santana groaned as she dropped her pose and comically fell into a heap. ''Also you had me at erotic artisan cupcakes.''
''Sweet,'' Hunter said, looking pleased for the opportunity to hang out.
As Santana laid flat on her back she got the sense that judging from the level of excitement, he probably didn't have a lot of friends, or at least friends that weren't from his very own built in family. Hunter was snotty in an amusing, kind sort of way. Even though he had a couple of years on them age wise he came off more like a younger brother than anything.
''How you doing over there Santana?'' Lindsay meanwhile spoke up from several mats down as she stretched her body.
''I'm fine. I'm awesome. Swell even. Just dandy,'' Santana said without an ounce of sarcasm in her tone as she propped herself up onto her elbows to address the woman with a wide eyed smile.
''Just dandy?'' Brittany questioned. She looked thrown by Santana's use of words.
''What, I use that word all the time.''
''Since when do you talk like that? Oh wait, I get it,'' Brittany grinned and shook her head at her girlfriend before turning to Lindsay herself. ''I have to tell you Lindsay, it seems my girlfriend has developed a little bit of a puppy dog crush on you, poor thing-''
Santana made a funny scoffing sound at that.
''-promise me you'll be gentle when you let her down,'' Brittany said to the woman in a clear attempt to embarrass Santana.
''Of course,'' Lindsay laughed, playing right along with Brittany.
''It's always sad when someone crushes on a person that they have absolutely no chance with.''
Lindsay made a funny little noise as if in agreement with how pitiful it was. ''As a teacher I'm used to students getting adorable harmless little crushes. It's so precious.''
''How dare you, I am not precious!'' Santana huffed loudly, causing everyone in the class to turn their gaze towards her. Everyone gave her a stern look as if to hush her before turning back to the instructor at the front of the class. Now through urgent little whispers Santana continued to the two blonde women, ''Also, neither of you are funny I hope you know that.'' Santana grumbled as she stood up, took her mat and moved away from them and their lighthearted ribbing.
She ended up settling herself next to Ben who smiled as she joined him in his section and soon found that despite being ridiculously good looking the man was also the most boring person on the planet. While Lindsay and Brittany were chuckling and hitting it off a few feet away she was getting to know Ben. He was like the epitome of the dorky dad, she thought, but he was friendly and even helped her with her form on a few poses. And after the class ended he led them all out to a cafe where he then treated them to shots of wheatgrass juice which wasn't nearly as disgusting as Santana thought it was going to be.
They wandered into the cafe's outdoor patio and took a seat at a table underneath an umbrella and it was there that they all fell into an easy conversation with each other. Having spent a tiny bit more time with her Lindsay they already had a feel and an ease with her. It was Ben and Hunter they were getting to know mostly. Ben was a dorky dad, but he was kind and occasionally funny. Hunter however was a totally hilarious snot of course, but he seemed overjoyed to have people his own age in the mix. He was able to brush off Santana's wisecracks with a chuckle and shrug and he even found some real common ground with Brittany when he casually mentioned he was bi as well.
They were all getting along in laughter and in the back and forth of it all. Of course midway through Santana found herself getting somewhat distracted when Brittany started playing footsie with her. It got to the point where they eventually had to excuse themselves and step away and into the unisex bathroom where Santana pulled them both into one of the stalls.
She grinned as she nudged the blonde against a wall and laid one on her and she couldn't help but moan when Brittany responded by snaking her hands down to grab at her ass.
''You look really cute in yoga pants,'' Santana hummed.
''I know,'' Brittany said, wiggling her brows all silly like. ''You told me.''
''Did I also tell you that I really loved watching you,'' she panted and kissed beneath her ear, ''move your body?''
Brittany shook her head in the negative, looking more than pleased with where this was going.
Never one to mince words when it came to what she wanted or when she wanted it Santana continued talking as she laid tiny licks and kisses into her neck. ''All I could think about during that entire class is how I wanted to get you in bed and on your knees-''
Brittany made a noise at that, it was somewhere between a squeak and a moan but whatever it was made Santana even more dizzy with lust.
''Then what would you do?'' Brittany asked.
''Then what would you want me to do?''
''Tell me.''
She gave the girl a tiny little nibble on her ear. ''I think you're just going to have to wait and see.''
''You just love to torture me don't you?''
Santana smiled and pulled back, holding up her index finger. ''No, correction, I love fucking you….'' she paused for a moment and bit down on her own lip before adding, ''and I also fucking love you.''
''I think you're the only person on the face of this earth who could be so crude but so sweet at the same time.''
''What can I say, it's a gift.''
She went back to lay her mouth upon Brittany's and laughed into their kisses which turned soft and playful. They did however pull away from each other with a pop when they heard someone come into the restroom and with their eyes made a silent promise to pick this up later on when they were alone. They were both grinning when they stepped out of the stall to see that it was Hunter who had entered the unisex bathroom and went to join him where he stood at the sink.
He popped a small pill capsule from a tiny plastic container and fed himself water from his hand to help swallow it down.
Santana tilted her head and thought it an odd way to pop in a breath mint, because that's what it had to have been. Despite wanting to appear cool and apathetic to everything Hunter seemed to be the straight and narrow kind; just an ordinary boy.
Taking him by surprise she grabbed the bottle from his hand and was right there on the cusp of making a joke about him being a pill-popping college boy drug dealer when she realized this was no bottle of Certs and these were no mints and this was no moment to joke.
This bottle had Hunter's name on it. This was medication.
She couldn't exactly pronounce the drug name but she knew the fact that it looked overly complicated probably meant something.
''These are for...'' Hunter began and then stopped abruptly, his eyes blinked rapidly as if pushing back tears, ''It's for...they're my...for my...''
''I-fuck-sorry,'' Santana swallowed and quickly handed him back his pill bottle.
Brittany looked down at the bottle, then Hunter, then the bottle again as she attempted to piece together what this was or could be. Before she made any kind of comment though Santana took her hand and started them towards the door to give Hunter privacy for-
''Wait,'' he called out to them and took a deep breathe.
They turned around and looked at him, at his small frame and nervous stance.
''I'm not like a weirdo loser druggie, that's so not me,'' he said, shifting awkwardly in place and scratching the back of his neck, ''but these are mine. It's my medication, they came from a doctor and everything.''
''No,'' Santana shook her head. ''Like, it's totally none of our business.''
''You don't have to explain,'' Brittany added helpfully.
''It's whatever,'' Santana said, not wanting to make him feel put on the spot. ''Me and Britt will see you back at the table, it's cool.''
''No, I know, it's just,'' Hunter sighed, looking even more tiny and terrified, ''this isn't something I just throw out into conversation especially with new people and all but I don't want you guys to get the wrong impression of me and since you already seen...''
His speech wandered off quietly but she automatically looked up and became alert when the next words rolled off of his tongue.
''...this isn't the way I go about it. I usually wait a little while until I get to know someone before I tell them but...I'm….I'm HIV positive.''
She felt Brittany grip her hand and she gripped back.
Fuck, Santana thought, understanding the weight of those words.
It was a bit awkward then as they all made their way back to Ben and Lindsay who were waiting back at the table. Right away Ben noticed Hunter's change in mood, how the usually talkative young man had suddenly deflated which was something he always seemed to do when having to tell new friends about his condition. It wasn't so much the telling other people that hurt him, but the constant fear of rejection.
As Lindsay leaned into Hunter, giving him a sweet, soothing side hug Ben, meanwhile, began to quietly and delicately and carefully explain to Santana and Brittany that he too was HIV positive. Part of the reason he was adamant to give Hunter a home, he said, was because he knew how hard it was to have the disease and live with it.
As he picked apart on a granola bar Hunter began to speak, a little bit about himself, a little bit about how he came to Ben and Michael. Most couples, he said to the girls, who were looking to adopt always wanted babies, toddlers, hardly anyone was out there looking to take in an already grown teenager, let alone a teenager that many would deem as an 'undesirable' because he was living with something that had to be tended to and monitored constantly. He was a teenager living with something that could potentially take his life.
And again all Santana could think was fuck.
She would be the first to admit how sometimes she could be needlessly harsh to others but the second HIV rolled off of Hunter's tongue she knew this was something she could never be cruel about.
This disease, this misfortune.
She turned to Brittany who seemed overwhelmed with this information but working to process it all the same as Hunter continued to speak about himself and his circumstance. They both made the effort to understand as much as they could, as much as he was sharing. It was something that had never personally touched them. They had never known anybody who had to live with this and the magnitude of it.
Later as Ben was bringing the car around to pick Hunter up from the front of the cafe they found themselves standing in front of the other teenager as he launched into nervous speech. He was putting on a brave face.
''It's okay, you know,'' he started and gave them a weak smile, ''if you guys changed your mind about hanging out or whatever. I mean I get it. It is what it is. With you guys I just figured I might as well just get it out there and get it over with. If you don't feel comfortable around me there's no hard feelings, I'm used to it and-''
''Hey, you promised us erotic artisan cupcakes, I expect you to deliver,'' Santana interjected quickly, wanting to put him at ease.
She might have been a lot of things but she wasn't a monster. And neither was he.
''Absolutely,'' Brittany said in agreement.
''I totally want to see this bakery you told us about so shut up and Facebook us later so the three of us can hang sometime before we head back to Ohio,'' Santana continued completely unphased.
Brittany nodded at her side, on the exact same page as Santana as she said, ''Yeah and go through Santana's Facebook, it's a long story but mine was hacked by my cat and I can't really get into it right now.''
''Are you serious?'' asked Hunter.
Brittany laughed. ''About my cat hacking my Facebook? No. But about us still game to hang out? Yeah, totally.''
''Really?'' Hunter swallowed, looking as if this wasn't something he got to experience very much. ''That's...okay...awesome, yeah. For sure, for sure. Awesome!''
He broke out into something that looked like a smile right before he tossed them a head nod and wave and got into the car with his father.
Lindsay, who had been standing nearby witnessing the exchange, looked at them with a soft expression. The three began strolling the avenue in silence. It was several moments into their walk that the woman finally spoke.
''I know it's a lot to take in,'' she began, ''but I want you both to know I'm very impressed with how you reacted and treated Hunter. Not many people your age would have that response. A lot of the kids in his high school didn't want him around.''
''That's just...so completely fucked up of them,'' Santana said.
''Poor Hunter,'' Brittany exhaled, shaking her head in sadness.
''Before Michael and Ben took him in Hunter spent some time on the streets,'' the older woman explained as they all turned a street corner. ''He's seen more than anyone your age should have to but on another level because he never had a childhood he's still playing catch up. Socially and emotionally you both actually strike me as far more mature than he is. Ben told me he's made a few good friends in college but it's still very hard for him to connect. He tries though and it means a lot to me personally that you see him and not the disease.''
''Yeah, of course,'' Brittany assured the older woman.
''Completely,'' Santana added.
Their replies were short but kind because in truth it was hard for them to say anymore than that, they were each trying to wrap their heads around the idea that someone their age had this obstacle in his life. They both liked Hunter and they didn't see a reason why they should be afraid of his company. He wasn't a disease, he was a person and that was that but a certain kind of silence washed over them, even as Lindsay said her goodbye and made her departure, even as she and Brittany got back to the loft.
It was as if something was hanging over them.
On each of their parts, they tried to shake it off, to put it aside. They had a quick snack in the kitchen and then cleaned up in the shower together and even went so far as to attempt to fall into bed to resume what they had started in that bathroom stall earlier.
Santana tried.
She really did.
And she meant every moment, every kiss and every touch, everything but she couldn't get those thoughts and questions and the magnitude of them out of her head, as much as she tried to.
''Hey, hey, what's wrong?'' Brittany cupped her face and pulled her head back to stare into her eyes.
Santana blinked slowly. ''I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just...'' she looked down at the sheets surrounding them, at their bodies touching, ''my head isn't here. I don't even know why.''
Which was a complete lie she knew, one she knew that Brittany knew as well.
''It's okay,'' Brittany said, soothing her cheek.
Santana moved off of her and turned onto her back so that they laid together side by side, staring up at the ceiling. They listened to the streets and the sound of each other's breathing.
''What do you think it's like...you know...living with it?'' Santana asked eventually, knowing full well Brittany knew what she was talking about.
''I don't know,'' Brittany answered with a heavy sigh. ''Hard. Really hard. I mean how can it not be...right? Even if a person's lucky enough to have a family and doctors...''
''Did you see how he looked ready for us to call him a freak or something?''
''He's probably heard it all before.''
''Hunter's kind of a snot but what kid our age isn't a snot on some level right? ...He's our age...he's our age,'' Santana repeated, completely shaken by this fact, even perhaps a little terrified of it as well. ''People our age shouldn't have to live with that.''
''Nobody should have to live with it.''
''Nobody should. But there's something about someone our age having to...''
There was something about it being a teenager that made it hit harder. Made her think deeper. They met him, they knew him and knowing him, knowing that he was funny and smart and goofy and sarcastic and in so many ways like so many people they knew, that somehow made the information so much more devastating.
Santana knew there were all kinds of people out there living with it - people their age - but Hunter put a face to it all and her heart broke for him just a little. Her heart broke with the knowledge that he was just one of millions.
''You know, you and me have done some pretty questionable stuff by ourselves and together with others...but...fuck. We're lucky nothing ever...we never...''
''I know,'' Brittany said, cutting her off and saving her from having to finish that sentence.
''Think about it though, every time Hunter ever dates a guy or a girl they're going to have to ask themselves if they can handle it. If he or she can handle a relationship with him and understand this thing that they'd have to learn about because it's a part of his life every single day and...and...and...God.''
Brittany turned to her. ''Could you ever do it?''
''Do what?''
''Be with someone who had it?''
Santana exhaled heavily as she ran through it in her head, as she tried to imagine a scenario where she had to make that choice for herself. What would it come down to, what would she come down to. What was she made of?
Unable to come up with a response right away she stalled for time by turning the question back over to Brittany. ''Would you?''
The blonde didn't look like she had an answer either. She was just as affected as Santana. She had her own thoughts and questions about the disease and its effect on ordinary everyday people across the city, and the state, and the world.
''I don't know how to answer the question,'' Santana began after a long and loaded lull, ''because I've never actually ever thought about it. The truth is I don't know...I don't know. That's probably a shitty thing to say but I just, I don't know.''
Brittany accepted that with a nod and reached over to touch her hair. Santana couldn't help but shudder slightly with emotion at this admission as if ashamed. She knew people who had HIV were a lot more than just the disease; they were real and complex and alive and beautiful and deserved love just as much as anyone else. Of course she knew this.
But asking yourself if you would ever get involved with someone who lived with it, it was a weighty question, especially at seventeen.
''If it was you...I wouldn't you know?''
''Wouldn't what?''
''Run away,'' Santana placed a hand over the one Brittany running over her and squeezed it. ''If it was me and I was seeing some random person and they told me it was something they were living with, I don't know what my answer would be because I don't know who this imaginary person would be or what that imaginary relationship would be like. When I think about it like that, I don't honestly know one way or another. Maybe that isn't the right thing to say but it's the truth: I don't know. But if it was you...Britt...I wouldn't run away. I wouldn't leave you. I wouldn't. This I know.''
Brittany pushed herself into Santana's side, hugging her and burying her face into her neck. Quietly moved to the point of needing that embrace.
''I might not be sure of a lot of other things,'' Santana whispered into her hair, ''but I know it wouldn't ever make me not love you or want you. Especially because it feels like I just got you.''
''Nothing could ever make me not love you either,'' Brittany whispered back. ''It wouldn't change what you are to me. You'll always be the one no matter what.''
''I know.''
''But you're still sad.'' Brittany stroked Santana's forearm slowly again and again.
She took a breath and a moment. ''It just makes you think, it's made me think. My life isn't a bed of roses, neither is yours but we're alive and we're healthy while there are kids out there just like us...who don't even have a bed to sleep in, who can't even get to a doctor when they get sick. I just think...there are a lot of things about this world that are fucked up.''
''Everybody should be safe.''
Santana adjusted herself, moving so she could look into blue eyes. ''I want you safe.''
''I want you safe too.''
And so in broad daylight they laid tangled up in an embrace as they both came to the realization of just how brutal this world could be, how lonely it could be and of how truly amazingly lucky they were to have the other one in their life beside them, safe and sound.
The moment for sex was gone and neither of them seemed to mind it as their eyes took each other in. Their eyes drifting over fingers and freckles and hipbones, seeing the other bare and human and moving with each intake of breath. They stroked each other's hair and shoulders and skin.
It was that sort of wordless intimacy and communication that was uniquely theirs.
This, Santana thought, somehow felt so much closer to love.
X
A/N: in the pilot episode of QAF Justin is seen drawing some of his classmates, his future attacker included. At the end ofchapter 8, it's this sketch that Brittany reacts to, and it's what that whole moment relates to when she crumbles that drawing up in front of Santana. I just thought it would be fulfilling as a writer to explore that moment in Justin's past from Brittany's perspective because it lets us see a different side to Brittany and explore her complexity.
I think Brittany doesn't talk about it because it's one of the few things that can make her blindly furious. I also feel like she's seen how far Santana is progressing and doesn't want to stunt that. I absolutely see Santana as strong and brave, but she's also very sensitive too. I think in terms of this story Brittany just wants to wait to share that because she doesn't want to send Santana into that dark place she can sometimes go when she's scared. So it isn't about her not trusting Santana, from Britt's perspective it's about her wanting to protect Santana.
Whether Santana actually needs protecting from hearing that story is something we'll get into later. We'll also revist the topic of those backrooms...
As for Hunter. I wanted to include him because one, it gives Brittany and Santana someone their own age to talk to occasionally, but also because it allows them as characters to have this quiet, contemplative moment where they address a real issue. I think Brittana have these beautiful amazing hearts and I believe they would see people for who they are, not a disease. I wanted to show that, and in QAF Hunter was always a little lonely so I wanted him to have some friendly moments with them so he could actually feel those connections that we never saw him get to make on QAF.
I'm going to go on a bit of a hiatus but I shall return in January! I have 40+ pages already written out. I just need time to get things in order :D But if you want to come poke at me I'm yourstreetserenade on tumblr!
Also come hit me up if you're a QAF fan! A buddy and I just launched The Thumpa Thumpa, which is a QAF podcast where we have a different fan co-host each episode so that we have a new perspective with each new ep. We're going to talk about the incredible impact the show made but we won't shy away from when it got things wrong either. Everybody's voice is important and we want to give fans a platform. I'll be working behind the scenes as audio editor of the project. If you happen to love QAF and want to become a listener or want to sign up to come on air as a co-host you can find the podcast links on my tumblr! Sorry for the advert, heh.
As always though, thank you guys for reading. It means the world to see people coming back to the story again and again. Thank you. Wherever you are I hope you have an amazing and wonderful holiday season. I'll talk to you guys in the new year, yeah? :D