On the Edge of Wakefulness, Part 2
Chapter 32
Heavenly heat, you comfort me while I lie in my mother's arms. Sweet sweat, you pool beneath my cheek on her skin, deliciously uncomfortable and sticky, a feel you don't dare disturb. I see her lips purse with suppressed laughter, I see her front teeth bite down on her pinkish lower lip. She is my mother, she whom I have wondered about, whom I know everything about, whom I have hated, whom I have loved. She is whom I hold blameless, on whom I blame everything. She is ... the one I see in my deepest intoxication ... she is my inspiration for rage, she is my motivation for goodness.
She is... my mother.
"Tell me the joke, mama."
Todd reached up and touched her mouth, laughter puffing out beneath his fingertips. The fingers he saw were so small, with such delicate skin. He realized he was a child again, the delicate boy he'd been seeing for so long in his dreams, in his drug-induced hallucinations, in his nightmares.
"No joke, sweetheart, just Mommy being happy." She whispered and squeezed him to her.
The best part of this ... dream ... was that she wasn't sick anymore. Neither was he. She looked pretty, her hair silky brown, her face perfectly made up. So did he with his softened golden hair, with his perfect glow and perfect imagination. Yeah, they were still in the hospital ... but it didn't matter because there was no illness, there was no need; there was only a sense of wonder and ... clarity.
"Tighter, hold me tighter," Todd said.
"This tight?" she teased, hugging him hard, before kissing his cheek and nose and chin, making him giggle. He laughed even more at the sound of his own laughter, so innocent. He couldn't believe this was real, couldn't believe he'd ever felt this way. Shutting his eyes, he tried to recreate self-hatred ... but couldn't. Sniffing, he tried to think of Peter Manning's cruelty but couldn't. Tried to think about his own cruelty, but couldn't.
He heard a musical voice say, "Just listen."
And he did. Funny things he heard, things that made him bury his face deeper into his mother's embrace with five-year old giggles, things like: I'm sorta hot and how come I feel pinpricks on my feet and I like the cat in the hat and the book cover is blue and is there such a thing as pink snow and if there were chocolate milk clouds would we get chocolate rain and I don't think if you really swallow a watermelon seed a watermelon will grow in your tummy but do I feel something growing in there and what is that black spot on mama's skin, what do you call them, mole hills, and do I have any like that?
"Wow," Todd said dreamily. "So funny…" Sitting up, he looked at his mother. "I have you all to myself. I know what it feels like to be loved ... I know now. It's real and wonderful." His eyes glistened and the smile was easy. His happiness was ... easy. "Wow," he repeated.
But then he looked down at himself and saw he was without clothes. And every scar and cut and physical assault was back. With a sickening rush, he saw his true self and in a flash, his mother disappeared.
"NO!" The room grew cold, dark and isolated and Todd started to cry, pulling his knees up, "Don't leave me ... don't leave me here!"
It grew still colder and in another flash, Todd was standing in a blank empty room with a window through which he could see his prone body once more. He swung around, trying to get his bearings. The feel of his mother's powerful love and intense hurt enshrouded him like amniotic fluid, like baptismal water, except there was no rebirth in it, no salvation. He was still him ... and he was still dead inside. Shuddering with the memory of that love and hurt, with the simultaneous desire for them, he reached out and touched the glass, watching his chest rise and fall in time with the clicking of a machine nearby.
He understood he had a choice to make.
"What do I do, Spirit? Do I breathe for him? Or do I just let him fucking die?"
He saw a bubble of liquid run down from a plastic bag through a clear tube and into his vein, he heard the blips of his heartbeat, but also heard it skip sometimes. The rhythm would increase then slow down ... inconsistent, indecisive.
"It's up to you, Little One. It's your choice."
The Llanview Commissioner was hefty, wore authority like a second skin, and had been in law enforcement longer than Tim had been alive. An officer stood next to him, handcuffs at the ready. Down the hall, two more police officers stood with Jedediah. Téa was on the phone now, ranting. Viki had her arms crossed, a severe expression on her face, and Jed, the kid, looked a tad morose.
"You're putting handcuffs on him?" Tim said, the disgust thick in his voice, referring to Todd.
"Got no choice, Doctor," Bo snapped back.
"He's no threat to anyone right now."
Bo showed him the warrant. "This proves otherwise."
"I don't think you understand," the doc argued. "Look at him. He's unconscious. He overdosed on contaminated heroin, he was assaulted. He's got pneumonia and an addiction the size of Pennsylvania. He isn't going anywhere! Lose the cuffs, man!" In truth, Tim didn't have much of an argument. Mercy was what he was asking for. Todd was being charged with a crime and it was standard procedure to place such patients under physical custody despite their health issues ... often utilizing handcuffs which would confine them to the hospital bed and posting an officer at the room door.
"I don't put anything past Todd Manning," Bo said, clearing his throat and nodding to the officer. "He has literally risen from the dead, Dr. Graham. On more than one occasion. You really don't know him like I do."
The cop then walked into Todd's room. Had the nerve to read him the Miranda rights despite the fact that he wasn't conscious. When the officer put cuffs on one of Todd's already-restrained wrists, Tim stormed the room and got close to Bo, growling, "Come on, Buchanan, he's got restraints on. He actually can't go anywhere!"
Shane Lansing, the doctor overseeing the entire medical scene, grabbed his lover around the shoulders at Tim's final rant, at the doctor almost getting physical. He murmured some words into Tim's ear and Tim just shook him off. "I'm fine, I'm fine. If he's injured in any way, there'll be a lawsuit!"
Once assured Tim was well back in professional mode, Shane then checked the handcuffs, making sure they weren't causing any damage. Moved on to the monitors, doing a numbers check again. As he worked, he filled Bo in on Todd's situation, explaining ... hypothecating ... prognosticating. Trying to boost Tim's position. Tim left in a huff to see what was going on with Jedediah.
Bo watched the psychiatrist leave and then turned to Shane, saying, "Manning's a picture of trauma. I get it, believe me. My opinion, he doesn't look like he's gonna make it. But his kid down the hall? Maybe Manning will do a good deed for him, by lying right here, without a word, without a twitch. With those cuffs in place. Maybe his kid will come out of this alive."
He was being cryptic. And for the shortest of seconds, out of everyone's view other than Shane's, the tough commissioner sighed and flashed a sad look at the patient, eyes moving from head to toe. Then it was gone and he slammed back to his agenda.
Down the hall, earlier, Téa, Viki and Jedediah had grown quiet with disbelief when they heard Bo announce that he had a warrant for Todd. Not so much about the criminal charge itself but about the process. Viki had turned to Téa, questioning the legality and Téa was trying to answer. Jedediah had weakly asked about it, too.
The cop next to Jed then put a hard hand on his shoulder and made him sit on the bench, "You oughta be more concerned about your own situation, kid."
Téa wanted to have at Bo, too, right along with Tim. But she knew that the Miranda rights would be re-read when he gained consciousness. Knew he wasn't in any legal risk at the moment, with all that silence. She tightened her hand into a fist and focused her energy on soothing Jedediah, who was clearly upset. She snipped at the police officer standing next to her, keeping her, Viki and Jed in place.
As Tim approached the crowd around Jed, the doctor took one look at Téa and saw she was fighting her instinct to run to Todd's side. She kept looking towards his room, kept looking away. Her whole body screamed of tension. He knew how hard it had been to let him go to the streets, that she had stepped up to care for Jedediah, to take care of herself. Even Viki seemed emotionally restrained; they were going to stick by Jedediah for now, someone who had a fighting chance.
Moments later, Shane padded up to Tim and pulled him aside. Then with a distinct heaviness in his voice, "Graham, his condition has worsened. I think the family members should ... um ..."
"Don't say it, Christ, don't say it."
"I'm transferring him to ICU."
Tim huddled close to the doctor, asking, "Is it the tainted heroin?"
"Definitely. Plus the pneumonia, not to mention the time it took to get medical help ... This is an uphill battle and, right now, your patient's choosing to stay at the bottom of the hill."
"'Choosing'? You're saying ... this is somewhat psychological."
"I'm saying that I believe people either have a will to live ... or they don't." Shane shrugged in a matter-of-fact manner and hustled away. But then he turned around, returned to Tim's side. Asked, "Some time ago I doubted anyone could commit suicide with heroin. I'm wondering if I was wrong?"
Choosing ... Not a medical diagnosis, a human one. This was at the feet of Peter Manning. Once again, Tim fought a rush of awareness that he was too involved, then flew into his own castigation. Couldn't stop the needle. Couldn't stop that liquid peacefulness of yours. Couldn't stop your punishment. Some kinda superhero I am, huh?
Once the doctor reached the group, Téa looked at him for a few seconds, no more, refusing to read what was so clear on his face, refusing to see the truth about Todd. She stood firm in her determination not to give up any more of herself... BUT ... they all needed to know what the hell Bo was doing. Jed needed HER to make an effort.
"So you actually arrested him," Téa said. "The hell is wrong with you?"
"Téa," Bo answered coldly. "He assaulted an escaped convict, put him in the hospital." Glanced at Jed then back at Téa. Got an even tougher look on his face.
Viki, angry, said, "Dear Lord, couldn't you have waited?"
"He was identified as the attacker and with his history of running, there is no way I can sit on my hands. Manning is as likely to get up from that table and ... walk away, as he's not."
Téa interrupted in a flurry, "But I told you what happened with that man! He attacked ME! Todd was protecting me!"
Bo remained cool, explaining, "That's your story ..."
"It's the truth!"
"You can testify at his trial, then."
"What's happened to you? Who took your soul?" Bo didn't acknowledge Viki's questions, studying the warrant for Jedediah in his hand instead.
"That's what I want to know," Tim said.
Viki shook her head, at a loss for words.
Bo snorted with disgust, saying to Tim, "Do you have any idea what Manning did to my wife? You probably know his life in college."
"I have an idea."
"You might know what's written in a file, but I was there. He stalked my wife like an animal. And once he realized she was blind, he tormented her for hours, threatened her, assaulted her, held a knife to her. I stopped him finally, but to this day, I have no idea if he meant to kill her, rape her, or what. He's dangerous…don't underestimate him just because he's...lying there."
"The man lying in that hospital bed is a human being, Commissioner, no matter what he's done in the past. He deserves a little decency."
"It's amazing, jumping to his defense, someone with a truly dark history," Bo mused. "What's gonna be your defense for this boy here? Where have you all been? He's running the streets, exposed to the danger of Phillip Manning?"
Téa bristled and put her hand out on Jed, who was about to tell Bo off. Viki suppressed her anger. Téa, however, didn't hold back.
"Hey! Jedediah ran for his LIFE! It's YOU who let him down! YOU! You and your lousy detention system!"
There was no moving Bo, however. "It's not my system. It's the county's and it's where he belongs."
"He could have been killed in there!"
Bo shook his head at Téa, "I seriously doubt that. Besides, there are other reasons why this boy should be locked up." He paused, taking in the slight looks of bewilderment.
Téa glanced at Jedediah on a bench against the wall. And for the first time since they got to the hospital, she realized he no longer had his backpack with him. In her peripheral vision, she noticed it was a good number of feet away ... thinking that Jedediah must have dropped it as soon as he saw the police. Yes, she thought, that's exactly what he did ...
… he ditched it.
With some trepidation now, Téa said, "What's going on here? Stop with the games." She stepped slightly to the right, trying to block Bo's view of the backpack.
Bo answered, his face drawn, serious. "Surveillance, Téa, protection of Jedediah from Phillip Manning. You had a deal with Hank on the heroin possession charge which was fine but the watching didn't stop. We learned interesting things." He then looked at Jedediah and after a moment, said, "I bet you something ... I am betting something ..."
Jedediah briefly looked at Téa with a deep look of concern. Bo looked past Téa and pointed to the backpack. "Get that and search it."
Téa said firmly, "No! You need a warrant!"
"Something to hide?"
Jedediah sniffled and looked away from the group. Missing Summer, wishing for some kind of magic solution to the mess he was in. A mess that was about to get worse. Way worse. That damn backpack. Shoulda emptied it. Totally forgot until they slapped cuffs on him. Shit. He wondered about Todd again ... how he wanted to see him. At the same time, he was scared as hell to see him. Téa looked worried ... and he shook his head, worried with good reason probably, he thought.
"Of course he has nothing to hide! He only just got to the Penthouse; he's been with me the entire time! And the times we were apart ... he's a responsible boy ... a young man. Bo! Get a grip!"
The officer handed the bag to Bo.
Téa saw Jed literally cringe, slumping on the bench. She immediately grabbed hold of Bo's hand to stop him, one last shot, "You need a warrant."
"No ... we don't. He's in our custody on a valid arrest warrant. We have every right to check any and all of his belongings before we transfer him back to Juvie ... if Juvie is where he's going to go. If we feel his crimes are still of a juvenile nature."
"Well, it's not his."
"Téa, you want to see the tapes?"
She scrunched her lips, furiously. "Jesus CHRIST. He's not going to Juvie, he's staying here ... I had a deal with Hank. I told you."
With a serious look, Bo unzipped the bag and slowly unpacked it: a soft-cover book of a literary nature, a dark-colored tee- shirt, shorts, jeans and socks, a small bag with had some sundry grooming stuff ... all dropped onto the floor.
Téa said, "Come on Bo, this is ridiculous ... this is ..."
A journal and an attached pen came out, too... then ... a plastic bag with folded newspaper in it. Looked suspicious ... looked ... illegal. Téa felt sick at the sight, shooting an unreadable look at Jed.
Viki sighed, gazing sadly at Jedediah. He looked so young, so lost ... the badly dyed green hair, the growing-out mohawk, his "trashy" get up with jeans too big, with a tee-shirt too big beneath a grungy sweater and a jacket that wasn't his. Jed stared downwards as if somehow, in some way, he could simply will everything away, will himself away. She sat next to him. And he glanced at her briefly ... stared downwards again.
"Hmmm, what's this?" Bo said, holding it out with an accusatory shake. Looked at the boy ... he had his wrists together, shackled, rubbing his face.
"Bo ... don't ..." Viki said gently. "He's a teenager ... a troubled one. Let's deal with the truancy and the substance possession from before ... let's not add time ... this isn't fair. Have some heart, Bo. You used to ... at one time."
"Viki, too many people looked away from Manning. Look where that got him." He carefully opened the plastic bag.
The officer with Bo whistled lowly as Bo unfolded the newspaper, the officer saying, "Nice. Looks like some pretty decent weed, Commish." There was no doubt, the aroma of the grassy material gave away the fact that this was strong marijuana. And a good amount of it, too. An amount that had jail time attached.
Téa let out a heavy breath, sounding tired, appearing tired, "Oh Jed, oh muchacho." She turned to Bo, placing a hand on his arm, "Please, stop the search ... this is wrong ... just stop." Bo ignored her. She knew Jedediah was sunk, though, and let go of Bo, her eyes drawn back to Jed. And he broke her heart - considering everything he had been saying and fearing and all that he knew about Todd. Yet, here he was with this ... stuff ... and it made her think that his pain was far greater than he ever let on. Far ... far greater.
I let him down, Todd. I let you down - some mother, eh? Some woman I am, prayerfully on my knees ... hands outstretched ... crawling for God ... begging ... pleading ... bleeding. Blind ... blind. How did I miss your son's fall?
Bo stood in front of Jedediah who continued to weakly rub at his face, continued to cover up. "What did you think? You were going to smoke this garbage in Juvie, at the hospital? Or were you planning on unloading it there ... maybe to some kids ... maybe to your little sister, Starr, when she visited you? Maybe you saw this as a good way to make some money since you sure aren't getting any from Todd."
"Oh for God's sake, Bo!" Viki admonished.
"I ... I forgot it was there ..."
"Don't answer any of his questions!"
Bo ignored Téa. "Wait ... don't tell me ... 'it's not yours.' That's why you dropped it as soon as you saw us."
"I forgot ... I forgot."
"Seriously! Don't talk! Ask for your lawyer!" She turned to Bo. "Take him to the station if you're going to interrogate him. You know the rules."
Jedediah peered at Téa from behind crossed wrists and she shook her head again.
"You smoke this?" Bo asked, pushing Jed's hands down. Jed avoided eye contact, though, staring at the floor again.
Tim stepped in, "Commissioner, let him go. We'll deal with this once he's admitted to psych... no reason to aggravate an already bad situation. For the kid's sake, substance abuse treatment is better than jail."
Téa and Jedediah were looking at each other, now; she trying to tell him not to worry. We're going to get up, she said with her eyes, we're going to stand up out of this blooded rainwater. The ghoul ... the rain ... the blood ... they won't get us down, she was trying to say. And in return, he was telling her that he wasn't so sure.
"I don't think so, doc ... this boy needs to learn a lesson about drugs. Drugs are bad ... they hurt people, they hurt people who love them." For the first time, everyone heard in Bo's voice a strain of anger that was beyond the current situation.
Jed was quiet, still. Rubbed his face again. Slumped a bit more. How he wanted to disappear. How he wanted to run away again, run with Summer. They'd go really far ... really ... really far. They'd be happy.
Viki also tried to stop Bo from this persecution because she knew now that it had nothing to do with Jedediah himself nor his propensity to walk the wrong side of the law. This had to do with Todd, with his past, with what happened to Nora ... the whole thing. And the drugs ... she figured it might have to do with Rachel's near self-destruction with a drug addiction. "Bo ... please," she said plaintively, "... reach into your heart, here. Please be kind to this child."
"This IS kindness, Viki. I've watched too many kids take his path ... take THIS road to hell. Maybe ... maybe if some of them had seen drug addiction at an end-stage ... maybe some would have been saved. Including your brother." He looked hard at her. "You haven't seen him."
Viki blinked and shook her head.
"So come on, Jed, I'm going to show you some hell." Bo took Jedediah by the elbow, jerking him to his feet, evoking the firm and loud objection of everyone.
Tim immediately realized they were going to Todd's room and tried to stop them, but the police officer stopped Tim instead, pushing him away, infuriating him. This was not the way Jedediah was supposed to see his father: Jed in handcuffs, being propelled by an angry police officer. But no matter, there was no stopping Bo because he was on a mission. He stormed down the hall, pulling the boy along.
Bo asked Jedediah as he marched, "One more time, do you like to smoke marijuana? Do you like to get high?"
Jedediah chose not to cooperate, hiding his fear, growling in his best menacing tone, "Aww ... make like a bug and buzz off."
Bo grabbed Jed's elbow a bit harder, a bit firmer, forcing a grimace from Jed. Bo rumbled, "This is for your own good. You need to understand what marijuana can lead to."
"Let go of me," Jedediah said, knowing he was going to see Todd and REALLY not wanting to. He struggled with Bo's tight hold of him. "Let go ..." he repeated. "I don't need to see my asshole of a father!"
A different voice came from Bo in response, one distinctly paternal, distinctly sad. "Yeah, you do, son."
Tim objected again, "You can't do this, Commissioner!"
"I can do whatever I want." The authority again.
Téa was coming up behind Bo, "Let go of him!"
"Nope."
In moments, they were at Todd's room, Viki and Téa once again objecting to no avail. Tim worked to keep Bo out of the room, standing at the door. One ... last shot.
"You can't come in," he said. "This isn't right, psychologically. THINK about what you're doing! Jedediah needs to see Todd, but not this way! NOT with a gun to his head!"
Jedediah twisted in Bo's grip and clenched his jaw, looking like he wanted help, like he didn't want to look at 'hell' anymore. Téa ached for him, loudly fighting Bo, cursing, "Damn it... what's wrong with you?!" and understanding that she was powerless to stop him. And ... she was trying like hell to interfere because if Jedediah decided that he wasn't ready to face Todd, then he shouldn't have to. God KNOWS, she thought, I don't want to face him either.
No ... no ... it's not right ... don't let US have to face him ... please ... don't let US see this kind of hell.
The officer stepped in and took Tim by the elbow also, grumbling, "Doc, get out of the way."
"No! My patient has a right to privacy, you can't do this! The kid has the right to choose!" The fuss was drawing the attention of other staff. Several members stood by observing, the place seemed to quiet beneath the weight of police force.
"Your patient is in the custody of Llantano County as is his son," Bo explained matter-of-factly. "This is a lesson that needs to be learned."
"Not like this," Tim repeated. "Todd might be dying ... the boy needs to be alone with him ... he needs support, his family ... not violence."
Everyone had heard what Tim said ...each of them reacting. Todd might be dying. Téa shut her eyes momentarily ... shooing away the words. Viki took them in ... sighed ... tears springing to her eyes. Her heart ... it clenched with an unspeakable pain. Jed did nothing.
"If he's dying," Bo responded, the deepest truth in his voice now, the deepest sympathy, "... then his son REALLY does need to see him, especially THIS WAY."
With a jerk, Bo pulled Jedediah into the room, marched over to Todd and, to everyone's horror, with his free hand, yanked the sheet nearly completely off Todd's body, revealing all that damage ... all that self-hatred ... in living, breathing ... color.
Jedediah, at the sight of Todd that vulnerable, that helpless, immediately wrenched with restrained tears, turning away.
Téa couldn't stop herself and yelled, her own stinging tears finally rising, "You bastard! You BASTARD!" She tried to get into the room and the cop held her back. Likewise, Tim was beside himself and shouted, "JESUS!" Shane held him back. Viki was silent, absolutely stunned at Bo's conduct.
Inside the room, Bo asked Jed, his voice dead serious, his concern true and genuine. "Is it just marijuana? Or maybe more. Cocaine? Ecstasy? Meth? Or is it pills. You like to get high, kid? You wanna end up like this? You have a chance to be better. You're blowing it."
Jed said nothing, struggling ... not wanting to see his father, not wanting to see what he had tried to stop so long ago by grabbing at that heroin, trying to take it away. He could still remember desperately emptying the packages with Todd kicking at the door wildly, screaming bloody fucking murder ... kicking ... kicking ... until the door finally busted open ... and he remembered the pain of the wall and Todd's hands on him, remembered all too well the taste of asphalt when the cops stopped Jed…
Satan, he had thought. Later, somewhere, somehow, he had understood that it hadn't been the devil kicking at the locked bathroom door, but an addict. A very sick ... addict.
"Look at him, son, look at what he's done to himself. Drugs did this ... probably started with a joint just like you have ... look hard ..."
Jedediah fought not to look, trying to pull away, almost whimpering ... almost cursing …
But Bo forced him to face Todd, taking Jed by the back of the head and making him look, growling, "Look at him!"
Jed did ... he finally did look at his father. He saw the plastic tubing helping him breathe, listened to the noise of a ventilator ticking away, saw the IV lines running fluids into him, lines taking fluids out of him, saw the terrible bruising up and down Todd's arms ... and in other places, saw scars, tattoos, red splotches, saw the restraints on his wrists and ankles, the handcuffs.
He saw the sickening mess Todd had made of his life, the mess Peter Manning had made of Todd's life.
Bo then said in a sad quiet voice, "You think you're on his mind when he shoots up? You think he cares about you when he's high? Don't count on it. He doesn't give a good God damn about anything except the drug. He would throw you to the wolves for one shot. It's how drugs change people's brains. And to think ... this could be you. Keep on smoking that garbage... and this ... could be you."
"Fuck you," Jedediah sniffled. He knew better. Marijuana was practically nothing in his world, a world the cop didn't know or understand. But the big old commissioner did know how bad this image of Todd was for entirely different reasons.
"Look closely, Jed ... remember this the next time you buy dope; remember this the next time you light up... the next time you give it to your friends or carry it for your friends ... remember this the next time you see a friend smoking ... a friend carrying, a friend selling it to you or to someone else. Remember this ..."
Jed fell forward onto the railing of the bed. He looked at Todd's eyes which were closed, looked at the scar on his face, at a mouth which had said such ugly things to him ... which had also said some kind words ... and looked at everything else there was to see. He figured by the looks of things, that Tim was right: Todd was dying ... and ... well ... he was going to die without ever having really acknowledged Jed, without ... really connecting ...
But ... but ... blooded rain ... washing away ... rushing away ... souls slipping away ... can I run, too? Far away ... Daddy ... I'm like you ... fighting for peacefulness ... for wholeness ... for ME ... for ME ... let's run ... you and me, let's run to those hills ... let's find Mimi ... let's find your soul again ... let's make you whole again ... or maybe you're already finding it ... is she there with you? Is she there ... with you ...
Jed stood up tall, the chaos falling away silently behind him. He sniffled back the tears, looked back at Téa in the doorway, who hadn't wanted to see Todd at all ... he saw her look of devastation, her look of love and sorrow; he saw Viki, her eyes reddened by everything she was seeing, too. Saw her look of love ... and sorrow ... Tim ... he looked strong, angry ... he looked like he was going to cause some damage. The Commissioner ... looked sad ... the officer, a bit ashamed.
Jed looked down at the handcuffs on his own wrists and thought about Michelle, his Mimi, thought about how much she had loved Jed's "Angel Daddy," thought of the image she gave to Jed of her dancing by the light of a ghostly midnight moon with a man whom he now knew had been but barely a man ... yes ... yes ... only a boy who had made her smile and taught her about love and loyalty and ... who, like her, knew about loss and soulful sadness ... and all those things had made Michelle hold onto Jed and tell him the truth about who his real mother was, that it was HER and not Beatrice.
Todd had not made Michelle ashamed ... he had made her proud ... as proud as a young woman could be who was restrained by an unforgiving society. Didn't matter that she never told him the name of his "Angel Daddy," because he understood now it had been to protect Jedediah from ... well, from THIS. Mimi, his perfect ... his truthful ... his angelic mother had known that Todd had never recovered from what happened with Peter Manning on that fateful night of Jedediah's conception ... she had known.
And ...if she figured that it wasn't necessary for Jedediah to connect with Todd, then she had good reason and she knew ultimately it wouldn't matter. Jedediah had gotten what he needed from Todd through Michelle.
All at once, Jedediah leaned forward and kissed Todd on the forehead, feeling his hot, feverish skin beneath his lips. "It's okay, Todd," he said, remaining close, "it's okay. You made my mother happy. You gave her something that lasted forever with her. And she gave some of it to me. So it's okay. I get you, I get the two of you and I'm still here; I'm not washing away ... I'm not gonna die. And you ... your life isn't… wasn't... a waste. So ... don't you think of me, don't you worry about anything. You're free ... you're really free."
He swallowed hard and kissed Todd again, whispered, "You do what you have to do. And if you see my mom ... you tell her I say, hi."
He stood up, nodded his head at Todd, everyone knowing that he had just said goodbye to his father, and then he raised his wrists to Bo, "Take me. Take me, you self-righteous motherfucker. You don't know a goddamn thing about dignity, or human decency. You think you showed me some lesson with this? You don't know shit. So ... take me."
Téa broke past the police officer who had looked away from the sight of the boy, who had been shamed by Jed with his open display of a child's love for a father, someone he barely knew. Quickly, Téa grabbed the tossed-away sheet and covered Todd back up. Bo grabbed Jed by the elbow again and led him out of the room. There was nothing anyone could say.
Tearfully, Téa arranged the sheet, tucked it in where she could, covering him, wrapping Todd up, thinking ...
I'll just do this one thing for you. I'll cover your wounds up ... cover your hurts... just this. Then you move on and I'll move on ... we'll lead our own lives; you can do what you want; I will be free of you ... I will take care of Jed. You just take care of you. This one thing ... just this one thing.
But then, Tim came up to her and, in a voice that seemed to float across air like a dream, said…
Téa, Téa ... he's bad off. This isn't good ... you better make peace ... better come to terms ... Téa ... Téa ...
… and his voice suddenly sounded like Todd's to her and she heard his voice say, "He's some kid, huh? He's somethin' special, huh? You ... you are so beautiful when you cry ... you are beautiful in your glorious pain ... love me ... love me ... ha ... ain't it sweet here ... ain't it peaceful here ... let me love you back ... let me ... let me ..."
Tim had touched Téa's shoulder, concerned, and she pushed him away. "GET OUT! GET OUT!"
And Tim did ... everyone left her to minister a woman's last rites to a man who baffled her, who demanded her heart and soul, who loved her sharply, bitingly ... forever ... forever ... who got her to love him back in mad spades. Muttering as she did her work, angrily. Tucking that sheet under him ... under his body ...
She hadn't wanted to see him, hadn't wanted to face him but here she was. On her knees again, not able to turn away. Loving him ... she couldn't help it ... and then as the tears started to come harder, she paused, hearing more of a battle with Jedediah outside who had gotten angry now, who started throwing a youthful temper tantrum, who was mourning intensely the possible loss of Todd ... and THANK GOD …
… was that Sam she heard out there, was that Carlotta with him? Was that Sam's once-again strong voice she heard, was it he who stepped up to the plate after so long in an alcoholic dugout?
Thank GOD ... yes ... yes ... that's him. That's ... him.
She tucked the sheet underneath him and pulled it up high and caressed his tangled hair which had lost its braids, the ones he liked. And she wished she could kiss his mouth and wished he could talk and wished this not to be happening. She wasn't ready to leave him ... she wasn't ready to say goodbye ... not like this.
Téa... Téa ... my beautiful Téa with the brown hair and with the brown eyes and the spitfire grin when you come close to me ... when you touch me with your whole being ... when you let me touch you with mine. Téa ... Téa ... what you think? What you want? What are you going to do?
Breathe with me, woman, pull me back from the edge of oblivion. Tell me there's a reason to let myself be pulled back. Ahhh ... grab onto me ... grab ... onto ... me.
In a daze, she watched a nurse come in and rush out ... heard Tim talking to her ... looking down ... so sad ... so very sad ... cursed softly. Another doctor wandered in ... administering drugs into that IV line ... Tim again ... holding Téa by her arms and gazing directly into her eyes, saying words to her, "We're losing him, hon ... do you understand?"
Shhhh, mí amor, shhhhh ... don't let go of me ... I'm here ... I'm here ... I'm ... here.
Let me love you, Téa... let me take you with me, let me show you where I live ... let me show you my hell ... my heaven. Touch me ... touch my heart ... touch me with your lips ... with your hopefulness ... with your believing in me. He's some boy ... he's some of me ... he's some of you ... he's ... beloved ... isn't he? Touch me ... with your blood ... with mine ... I love you. I'm looking at emptiness, Téa ... I'm looking over the edge.
Give me a reason not to fall.
Shhhhh... I love you ... GOD... don't let go!
Then it was quiet and in Spanish so no one would understand, knowing Todd would understand because in the place between life and death, there is no language... there are only emotions and human connections ... so she said through bitter tears, "You are so blessed, my love. You are loved, you will always be in my heart no matter where you are or what you do. I love you ... I love you ... for everything you wanted to be, for what you couldn't be ... for who you are. Take your son's gift ... take his love ... but above all, take his forgiveness ... my God ... take it into your heart ... my love. My sweet love ..."
Hands were on her and from this place, Téa could see herself pulling away from the person and crawling into the bed with Todd, and laying her head on his chest ... and grabbing onto him but someone tried to pull her away and she screamed ... so they left her. And from this same place ... she could see Viki settle into a chair next to the bed ... and watch over Téa who wouldn't let go of Todd ... of that man who so struggled for life ... for death...
Shhhhh... it's okay ... it's okay ... mí vida, mí amor...
He's some kid, huh? He came from me? Such power ... such ... power.
Yes, my love ... yes .. you see? You see?
"Téa, get up ... hurry ... come on, sweetheart ... come on." Someone was saying something horrible to her, something nightmarish.
They pulled her away from him ... they were doing something desperately ... they were trying to revive him.
"Damn it!"
Someone was so angry. Then she heard her own cries and Carlotta was there ... and Viki ... and they were looking away, but Téa wasn't ... she was shivering and saying his name ... and the frustration of the people in the room was overwhelming. They were working so hard ...
Give me a reason, Téa… Téa with your brown eyes looking at me ... give me a reason to breathe again.
She shut the voices out and chose to listen only to Todd's weakening heartbeat ... only to his blood slowing down inside of him ... only to his letting go ... letting go ...
"I love you," she said. "It's all I can give you ..."
The image was like pelting rain against glass, hypnotizing, frightening, miraculous.
"Ohhhh close my eyes to this vision because I don't want it. You, Spirit, asked me what I had done to myself. The answer is ... I was saving myself. You tell me to breathe and yet you show me pain. You tell me to make a choice and yet you show me jagged existence. You tell me to listen, yet you make me hear her infinite sadness. His sadness. I am not their cure, I'm their downfall. I will go back, but it will only to answer the Princess's calls, her healing of my hurts, her soothing of my soul. What's the use of what you show me? What's the use?"
"Love ... love is the reason to breathe. You asked your Angel for a reason and she gave you one."
"I'm not sure it's a good enough reason. It hurts to breathe, Spirit. Even for love. You saw my child ... a boy ... I can only lead him further into darkness. I can only lead him through mud, through rocks ... through hell ... I can only offer him what I have as my own salvation. I can only offer him ... my choices."
The spirit lit up furiously in all her sparkling beauty, glimmering in the dusky light of the blank room, her crystalline self chiming with tones of Godly noise. Wildly all the windows closed and Todd understood that time had stopped. That he was in between life and death and that he had to decide. He crouched down against the wall, awaiting the violent strikes of Satan, awaiting the renewed torture by his Original Tormentor, dragging him back to hell.
But ... what he heard, what he felt, was the Spirit.
"Your SON has forgiven you. Your search has been for love and it's being offered to you. Your mother has been waiting for you with the deepest of remorse ... and yet here you are, offering in return only more of your self-punishment? You damn yourself ... you spit in God's face. You spit in the face of love!"
Todd hunkered closer against the wall, but rather than attempt to hide, he shouted out with childlike fierceness, "And?!"
"And ... and ... you are still left with a choice."
Todd groaned in pure agony and then stretched out his legs, relieved that Satan wasn't coming to get him quite yet. He leaned his head back against the wall and sighed heavily, "I will go back to my form of salvation. I can't live without it. It hurts to live without it. And as you've shown me ... so graciously ... it makes a fucking mess of whatever fucking life I will have."
"That is an earthly battle you will have to deal with. Among all your other battles."
"I don't want to deal with it ... I don't want to deal with ANYTHING! I tell you what, I'll stay in this room ... and YOU go back for me. People will LOVE you. Hell, you'll probably LOVE to deal with all my shit."
"You asked for a reason ... and you received one."
"It's NOT ENOUGH!"
"It's enough. It's what you crave."
At that, his mother was kneeling in front of him. And it weakened Todd, so. He smiled and tears easily came to him. Sniffling, "I don't want to leave you."
"You will never leave me. I will always be with you. You received your reason to go back and you lie to me, to the Spirit, by saying it's not enough. Your son's forgiveness is another reason ... and you lie that it, too, is not enough. Look in here ... look into my hand mirror and tell me what you see." A pearled mirror suddenly appeared in Bitsy's hand. Todd hesitantly looked into it. What he saw...
"Another reason. You have to go back."
He looked at his mother, gazed at her intensely, gazed at her as if he could keep her in front of him forever. "I'm not ready ... I don't have enough in me to fight. That's the truth. I'm afraid."
"It's not going to be easy. But there is enough to hold you. It's what you want."
"What happens if I stay?"
"Regret."
"Are you saying I won't be with you anymore?"
"You will ... and you will be regretful of it. There will be no joy, no warmth, no relief. I will be but a regret."
Todd swallowed hard and the pain of losing his mother flowed over him, the hurt was so powerful ... but he felt her arms around him and heard her ghostly whisper, "I will always be with you. You are going back with the memory of my love for you. You will not forget it."
He tried to hug her back, to tell her he didn't want to leave, that he'd live with the regret, but she disappeared in a loud rush of indefinable noise, the walls fading, everything whooshing by him like the receding tide at the beach of an ocean. It was black for a moment and in that breath of solitude, Todd realized he had made his decision.
The intensive care hospital room was quiet now, but for the soft breaths of Téa at Todd's side, but for Todd's sometimes ragged breaths. Curled in a recliner near the bed was Viki who kept opening her eyes to the monitors. Watching for regression, watching for signs that he was giving up again. So far ... so good. Morning was coming fast, the sun's early rays beginning to color the sky. Looked like another day of no snow. It had been a very long night, indeed.
After the doctors had literally pumped life back into Todd, he stabilized, giving some hope to Tim and Dr. Lansing. A little hope, they both said, he's got a chance now.
Viki remembered holding her own breath when the respiratory therapist lowered the ventilator for the first time, seeing if Todd was going to breathe on his own. He didn't at first. She had held back her pain at watching him settle ... and not breathe until the machine had kicked on again. But after a few more tries, after practice, accompanied by the therapist's vociferous encouragement, he did take those necessary breaths. The smile on the therapist's face was memorable. The relief on Téa's face was revealing.
Earlier, she told Viki she couldn't stand by and see him die, that if she saw him turning again, if she saw him letting go, she was going to leave. And, as if she needed to experience walking out, as if rehearsing for that moment, she had left for a while. She wandered out of the room over to the nursery. Sam had found her looking at the brand new babies ... watching the emergence of life rather than the end.
She came back, though. Was dozing now, leaning forward on his pillow, having squeezed herself above the railing of the bed. She had put her head as close to his as she could, so he wouldn't feel alone, she had murmured out loud.
"I'm not going anywhere, amor," she had said tiredly. "You got me right me where you want me, right next to you. As always ... as always." Téa had fallen asleep that way.
Viki's reflections were interrupted by Sam popping his head through the slightly open door, making Viki sit up. Smile at him. "How is he?" Sam asked.
"Alive." Viki stretched a little. "They removed the breathing tube just a little while ago. What time is it?"
"Quarter to six."
"Have you even gone home? You look tired."
"Nope." He looked down the hall and slipped into the room. Three people were too many visitors; he hoped he wouldn't get kicked out. "Been working on Jedediah's situation. Successfully. He's safely tucked away in the psych ward."
Viki chuckled sadly, "Well at least it's better than the detention center. Safer."
Sam walked over to Todd, lightly touched his cheek. Sniffed ... shook his head. Then turned back to Viki. "Yeah ... I got a hold of Hank. He was able to finesse the situation."
"Jed threw quite a fit. Did that help convince Bo to let him stay here?"
Sam laughed lightly. "I think it did. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, as they say. But I think Jed biting Bo's ankle did the trick. I was seriously worried until I saw the kid lay flat on his back on the bed, put his hands behind his head and say, 'I always knew my bad temper would help me out.' Dropped off pretty quick."
"Did he ask about Todd?"
"Of course ..."
"Did you ask him about the marijuana?"
"I did." Sam wandered close to Viki and leaned back against the wall. Sighed.
"What?"
"He told me it's a part of his life ... he's been smoking since he was a kid ... twelve ... eleven ... he saw the marijuana in the pack and just didn't think anything of it. Left it. He's so used to seeing it ... it didn't trigger anything in him. Like he saw a sandwich. Something about Kevin ... a promise. Anyway, when he saw the police, he sure remembered it then. Told me how he hung out with street kids, how he'd spend days camping on his own, staying with friends ... a habitual truant. Christ ... this is a boy who basically had everything. Yet nothing of what really mattered. At least ... not from Beatrice and Charles. The fact that they refused to tell him the truth about his parentage ... made him hate them. Absolutely hate them. And here he is ... having grown up all ... alone."
Sighing heavily, Viki studied Sam a moment or two and then asked, "How are you?"
Sam smiled briefly, then looked at her. "Good. Better. Here."
At that moment, both heard Todd cough and both jumped at the sound. Téa popped her head up, reaching instinctively out to him. All of a sudden he opened his eyes ... and closed them. Then opened them again.
Viki rushed out to call the nurse ... anyone.
"Todd?"
Crashing smack into concrete, that's what he felt. Slammed back into the world from some place of comfort, all he was getting now was pain. His legs, his insides, his chest ... it fucking hurt to breathe.
Ireland, he thought, they shot me. They shot me ... and I won't see my baby, my wife ... he took some breaths and felt the constraint and itch of coughing and he knew he was hacking up some shit again ... and it was cold ... it was damn cold ... he looked around and he didn't recognize anything ... and he was tied down ... and tried to pull ... something tying him…
Téa had to back off as Dr. Lansing was asking Todd if he knew his own name, trying to get him to respond. Viki was holding onto Sam ... watching. So worried ... all Todd was doing was groaning and pulling at his restraints.
"Come on... look at me, can you do that? Can you follow my voice?"
He heard something, someone ... and tried to see who it was but the face, was wrong, the accent was wrong ... it's too light in here ... to light. Ireland ... the fisherman ...
"Good ... good... can you tell me your name? Huh? Come on ... you're doing great ..." Todd was looking at the doctor and pulling still, pulling at the straps on his arms and wrists. Looked away. He was groaning still, sounding like he wanted to talk.
Dr. Lansing said to Viki and Téa, "This is perfectly normal ... don't worry. He's going to be confused ... believe me ... this is good. He's awake ... it's good." The doctor smiled hopefully. He turned back to Todd who started to cough again and spit up some. A nurse was now in the room, commenting that there were too many people. Dr. Lansing, though, said, "It's okay. Let them stay."
Todd tried to talk. His name ... how many names could there be? Only one ... one which says it all ... one which tells the truth. Who am I, he wondered.
I got shot ... it's enough penance isn't it, Marty? Am I clear now? Am I free, now? I got shot for you ... for you ... tell me it's enough for what I did, for all that damage, tell me I'm repented now ... 'cause I'm Todd Manning, the rapist, the stalker, the murderer, the soul poacher ... it's who I am ... me ... me …
Finally, he groaned, "Todd ... Todd Manning ..." Where was he, though? All this white ... white walls, white sheets, white blankets... too much white for Ireland ... the accent's wrong.
Am I repented, now?
"Good, Todd! Can you tell me the year?"
The year ... he got shot ... and he hurt ... it hurts ... but something struck him as more wrong. Across the room ... a woman ... with dark hair. And her face ... it was sad ... who was she? He kept looking at her and the more he looked at her, the more sad she got. Todd shivered because he didn't know her ... he didn't. It was so cold. And he heard something and looked toward it ... and oh my God ... it's an animal ... and it's in the window. Wings ... it's so loud ... and it's looking at him. A voice came at him though, pulling his attention away from the creature in the window.
"Todd ... can you look at me? The year? Tell me the year."
He tried to tell him ... he looked at the doctor's eyes and kept looking ... and finally, he spit out, "95 ... 95..." And he started to shiver with pain ... it was killing him. So much pain ...
"Shot ... th-they shot me," he panted. "I have to go home... let me go home... to Blair ... I have to go home ... she's waiting ..."
Viki put her hand to her mouth and said softly, "He thinks he's in Ireland." And it broke her heart, thinking that was exactly how he must have felt at that time. So far away ... so alone.
Sam was about to ask something, but the doctor stopped him, saying, "It'll come to him. Let it come to him."
Tears rolled down Téa's face at Todd's obvious fear. He was so afraid and there wasn't anything she could do. Slowly, she started to turn around. To leave. This was too hard, too hard on her heart. She ached too much for him.
Todd, though, saw the woman stepping away and for some reason the sight of her leaving fired up an image in his head. Her packing a suitcase, no ... re-packing it. A stuffed animal was in her hand ... he turned to the window ... saw an owl outside. Whooo ... it said.
Does it hurt? Do you hurt? We were so close, my friend.
Todd looked again at the retreating woman and called to her, "No! Don't go ... don't you go ..."
Téa turned ... and Todd said more gently, "Please don't go. Téa."
She didn't approach, though, only looking back at him, those tears coming again, much too easily. Sam put his hand on hers, giving her an assuring squeeze. The Doctor asked again, "What year is it?"
"I said ... I said ... 95 ... but ..." Todd shook his head ... it wasn't coming. Nothing was coming but the sight of the woman ... Téa ... her eyes looking into his. Oh God, how he loved her ... loved her so much ... but there's somebody else ... brown eyes... brown eyes ... liquid brown ... liquid in a syringe. He kept staring at the doctor. His voice ... he was talking but nothing was coming out. He turned again to the window.
We were so close. You were with me, I was with you. You followed me the way you wanted. Do you want to go back? Whooooo...
The owl flapped its wings noisily and with each wave of the feathers, Todd felt the wrenching of muscular cramping inside of him. He moaned and said again, "They shot me." And he felt hot tears rolling down his face and all at once he could see Brandy and felt the touch of her hands on him and the sting ... ohhhh the sting of a needle ... ohhh ... it took away that pain ... ohhhh ... and he could see Téa kissing him and papers being signed and heard the pounding of a gavel against a desk ... the swishing of black robes of a judge... the cry of a baby ... the pain of watching that beautiful girl suffer as he stared through the glass window of a hospital room. And her laugh ... surrounded by toys and the grateful smile of Blair ... on a ship ... and her fury ... the loss ... and Téa ... Téa ... her coming to him in jail ... god .. GOD ... jail. He loved her ... he loved that woman so much ... his Delgado ... but he made her cry. Like now.
Ohhhh she's so beautiful with that pain like a second skin ... her tears so pure …
He remembered he couldn't give her what she needed, what she so wanted from him. No ... no ...he was on his knees ... asking her to marry him ... marry ... and now there's Georgianna ... on the floor and it's coming back and it's coming back. Oh GOD ... it's over ... it's over ... she's walking away from him and he's blown it and he's so fucked up on shit ... and cutting ... cutting himself ... and ... and ... him in the park ... in a filthy place ... so happy ... so happy ... and someone on him .. someone ... oh GOD ... GOD ... what did he do? The bite ... that bite ... of ... Phillip ... and he then said the year aloud, right now, right now...
Ohhhhh ... CHRIST ... ohhhhh ... my ... god… Johnny-girl and Johnny-boy went walking one day and came upon the devil himself and said, come, Papa, wanna play? Johnny-girl and Johnny-boy, jumped off a bridge one day, and came upon the devil and said, Papa, let's pray ... pray for us... pray for you ... pray for our salvation!
"It's okay, Todd ... I hear you. You're right ... on the year... can you tell me why you're here?"
He licked his lips and closed his eyes and coughed some more, spit up some more disgusting junk and shivered with fevered cold ... and ... with another imagined slam into concrete, it all came back. Shining and bright in the air above him, wormy and maggoty beneath him, his cravings for the glorious Princess kicked in good and strong and he knew exactly where he was. And why. Oh yeah, he knew why.
Oh noooo ... you chose, my friend, to not go with me. Whooooo ... we were so close! And now you're nothing but pain. Ha! It's okay, I'll be here... always here, waiting for you. I can take you there anytime... I can take you to heaven ... to paradise! Whoooo.
And with a low moan of pure misery, Todd looked at the faces staring at him, looked at their worry and concern and love ... oh those brown eyes with that reluctant love ... their judgement ... oh their JUDGEMENT ... of him, his choices, his very essential self ... and with that thought, he felt a renewed surge of that special pain of heroin deprivation rip through him, making him jerk and writhe in the restraints, and all at once, he shouted angrily, horrified, "Oh no, no, no, no, FUCK! What did you do?! What did you do to me?! Why am I still ALIVE?!"
Todd was back ... and his loved ones ... they all breathed out with a heavy sigh, knowing what he was in for, what THEY were in for. Yup, they each thought, he's back. With a pained grunt, Téa swung around to leave, shaking her head, and ran smack into Tim standing in the open doorway.
Smiling gently, he offered up his hands, "Nowhere to go but up, folks. Nowhere to go... but up!"
To be continued...