On the Edge of Wakefulness, Part 2
Chapter 37
The hospital had once offered hope to Téa. She thought he'd get help, that maybe Todd would leave as a healthy, whole person, in control of a new life— happy or at least on his way to happiness.
Such crap. Delusion.
Now every time she even thought about a hospital, she'd be ill at the utter hopelessness of it, a place with liquid walls, ghostly physicians, nobody able to help, barely even caring. She hated the smell of the place, hated the sound of white shoes slapping down the hall. Useless people … she fumed. My GOD, she was as worried and as scared for Jed's safety as anyone … but how could they allow Todd back onto the streets? Insanity!
At the same time she harbored other … less noble thoughts. Across from her sat Brandy, scared to death of all the people in the room, holding onto Todd's hand like a lifeline. When the girl had gotten to the room earlier, Tim bringing her over at Viki's asking, desperate asking, beaten down into asking, Todd had smiled at Brandy, just a small one and she ran to him like a goddamn puppy.
Téa … she had to step outside at that little reunion. Tim had popped outside immediately, knowing the pain the scene must have caused her.
"It's going to be complicated with them," he reminded her. "We've been talking about this for a long while and even if he wasn't getting out today you'd still have to deal with them. You're going to have to be tough, really, really tough. If you want to stick around. You don't have to."
"Oh I KNOW I don't have to. I know that. I just hope that HE knows that."
Tim nodded in understanding. "If he survives this, I suspect he'll look back at this time, and be surprised at just how sick he was."
She had argued with Viki, with Tim … with Todd … even Sam. They had worked to convince Todd to stay, to no avail. But the kicker was always between Viki and Todd. He'd give her this look … and she'd back down. Silent. Something had passed between them but neither was giving it up. And to add insult to injury, they didn't even have Bo on their side.
Hank Gannon agreed to throw out the charges of assault on that ex-convict and the psychiatric evaluation period had expired with the evaluation psychiatrist okaying Todd, to the horror of everyone. On some level, she wondered if Bo wanted to throw Todd to the wolves, thoroughly convinced the doctor had been bought off. Tim wouldn't have signed off on it. Téa took an angry deep breath, folding her arms across her chest, glowering at Todd who concentrated on the detective's words. Time had been clicking by and still no word on Jedediah. A bad sign, everyone acknowledged.
"Now, just 'cause you're out there," the husky cop said, "acting basically as an informant, as bait, you still have to abide by the law. If we catch you with heroin, with other illegal substances or items, you're going to be arrested. No guarantee on the outcome. We're not granting you any kind of immunity here."
"Yeah," Todd mumbled.
"So here's the number. We're going to be watching you but not too close. We don't want to tip him off."
Sam then asked for clarification, "He's going to have a wire, though, right?"
The cop shook his head, Bo Buchanan also saying, no.
Téa jumped at that, "Why not?!" She held her stomach, trying to keep her fear in check, her sheer panic.
The detective answered, "We won't know when the guy's going to contact Mr. Manning. It would be a waste of time and money. Not only that, he's going to be highly visible in these … less than savory places. If he got caught with a wire, his life would be ended quick … quicker than we could get help to him. The best we can do is use Brandy as the go-between. She gets wind of the meeting and then it all goes down from there. We've worked this way before and it's gotten results."
"Jesus Christ," Téa said. She shivered … and stood up. "I'm going be sick. It's bad enough that Jed's gone missing …" Todd got up, leaving Brandy behind, standing in front of Téa. He held her hands.
"I can't do this, Todd!"
He turned to look at Tim, "Can we be alone?" Tim nodded and everyone cleared the room in moments, Brandy the last to leave, following Tim.
Finally, she let it out, "Are you crazy?! I'm begging you not to go out there! PLEASE! DAMN IT!"
"I have to. I got no choice."
"No! NO! You always have a choice!"
"I love you, you know …" he said softly, caressing her hands, such pretty skin, soft as cream. He gazed at her.
"I love YOU," she said, "too much to just stand here and let you leave. Please be reasonable."
He still had the pallor of sickness, thin, dark circles under his eyes, eyes with a new look that had seemingly become a part of him. Haunted eyes … sick eyes.
"I know the guy and I have to do this. If I don't, I will not be able to live with myself. Especially if something happens to Jed. You have to know this."
He moved closer and then delicately hugged her, sighing with relief at the feel of her arms going around him in return, at last. He tightened the hug. And so did she. They said "I love you" easily now. But the real up-close feel of it, the down and dirty belief in it… wasn't quite there yet. Not for him.
They'd spent nearly five days in this place and when he more or less pulled out of the worst part of his illness, they found themselves in a strange in-between place of nicety, calm … sweetness. They ate together, she waited while he showered, they watched TV. She talked to doctors and nurses about how to help him. To clarify things he said. She read while he slept. He watched her cat-nap on the little chair across the room. Or watched her reactions to the TV. Or the way she spoke to people. Her being a lawyer for him. They talked about dumb things. Avoided serious things. They spent real time together in a way he wasn't sure they ever had before. Even back at the Penthouse hadn't been quite like this. Not such close quarters. In these few days, he felt the edge of being truly loved. In this room, in this hospital, he stood at the precipice of real love. He just needed to step off and he knew that he'd like it. That he'd float in that world and maybe, MAYBE, he could be somewhat… happy.
"Remember that dumb movie we watched yesterday?"
She nodded against his chest.
"King Kong. What a guy."
She laughed a little, tearfully, nodding again.
"He fought all those planes… knocking them right out of the air. Whoosh …" He held her tighter to him, looking down at her … at her soft hair, and her perfect clothes, even these casual ones, her jeans and a fluffy sweater over a ragged tee-shirt, as ragged as their local department store provided … and through it, he felt her body that he wanted more of. More time with … time to get her to make that noise she made, that sigh. "Nobody understood the King. They thought he was mad, crazy, for doing the shit he was doing … but in the end, the girl, She got him. She knew his heart … but she couldn't stop hell from raining down onto him."
"I can't do this."
"You have to. I gotta deal with the real monster. I gotta be the King, Téa. And it's because…" He paused and rubbed his face against her hair, sighing, "It's because I love you that I have to go out there, because … we won't have any chance at all if my kid gets … killed … or worse … if I'm made to stay here doing nothing. You know?"
"Yes … I know… but I can't watch you walk away again … I can't do it!"
"Then don't look. You sit here with Sam … with Viki … with Tim. You don't have to look, Delgado."
She shook uncontrollably with a kind of rage, disbelief, and he rubbed her back, and arms … "You're so scared," he said, "Come on, have a little faith." She grunted at that, a bit of a laugh. "Well … okay," he conceded, "then just pray like hell he comes out quick … and we end this thing fast."
"Look at me," she said, pulling away. When he did, she continued, "I'm afraid … not just of Phillip but of the drugs. I'm afraid you're going to use again and that you won't be able to help Jedediah because you'll be dead."
He nodded, no denying that. "Yeah … you don't think I'm scared of that, too?"
"I don't know …" She caught herself, "No … no, I don't. You haven't cared before, you haven't cared about killing yourself so far."
He glanced away, not sure how to respond. She cut too close to a truth: that he didn't really matter in this world. That the few days of bliss were an illusion. His easy "I love you" was fake. Jed was the focus of all of this. Jed mattered. There was a crack inside of him, and he could see another precipice, another edge, one he could fall off so easily and not float in a beautiful mist, but instead crash down onto the rocks, get eaten by wolves or lost in the current. He watched that edge for a long while it seemed. Heard the roar of the river. The screams of others who had gone before him. He'd fall. And nobody would care. He blinked and she was holding his arm.
"You disappeared there," she said softly. "See? You're not ready for the streets, amor."
He reached slowly for her hand, taking a moment to get re-oriented. He had lost a few seconds someplace else. That edge of the cliff. He understood stress like this fucked with his mind and his body followed. She was right. He wasn't ready. There was a chance he'd not come back to her, to this in-between place. And it made him sad to think it. He kept touching her hand. They held each other's gaze for long seconds.
"I know … that uh … there's a risk," he said. "But I have to get that mother-fucking bastard out into the open. If I have to use to prove I'm still me … that I'm still fucked-up … I will do so."
Téa pulled out of his grip, cringing with upset. "God, I knew that you were going to say that."
"You want me to lie?"
After a moment, she said angrily. "Maybe I need you to lie right now."
"No you don't, Delgado. You hate when I lie." He smiled and it was a beautiful smile and it cut through Téa. "Use that big lawyer brain o'yours. How would it look if I'm crawling around in the muck on methadone? Not using? He'd be awfully suspicious."
"Are you saying this is an absolute?"
"NO …I don't know. I … look, this isn't about me."
"To me it is. You AND Jed."
"I'm just trying to say, if things start to look wrong to me … I'm not gonna jeopardize the situation by staying clean."
"Todd-"
"Listen to me. I have to do this and I'm gonna do it the best I can … and … please, Delgado … please … don't make this harder than it is. There are things… I can't tell you about. Not just now … and these things … they just … uh … make clear what I have to do. So … trust me okay? As stupid as that sounds. It's all I have to offer you."
"What things? Tell me and maybe I can make this 'easier.'"
He felt her anger and he tried not to smile at it because he loved her anger, the hate she aimed at him, and he almost grabbed her up into his arms to throw her on the bed to kiss her anger away and he almost cried at how badly he wanted such a thing and how impossible it was. The things… the things he couldn't tell her, nipped at his ankles, threatening to crawl up body, waves of memory that pressed against him. He rubbed his leg to stay present, to stay here, stay talking to her, to not disappear into his own personal hell that liked to take him out of reality.
"I can't tell you. I can't give them life."
She knew the fight was over. That there really was nothing she had in her bag of tricks that would stop him. She moved into him and held him with everything she had, squeezed him to her. "I do love you," she whispered. "Even if you don't understand it, or even really feel it… and I know you don't." He bent his head and kissed her, delicately. Leaving was harder than he thought. Wished he could go back to the Penthouse with her like they used to. Things were so messed up. So messed … up.
"Stay here," he said. Took a breath, trying to calm himself. Walking away from her … near impossible. Being clean, even for the short time, had woken parts of himself up. One of those parts was his heart and at this moment, it broke for her. But he had no choice. He looked one last time … "I love you. Don't you forget that."
"'God damn you," she cried. "I really do hate when you lie."
He smiled at her, "You're so beautiful when you're sad."
"I don't want to be sad anymore and I don't want to cry for you anymore."
"Trust me, then?"
"You're asking me to disbelieve what my own eyes tell me."
"Like magic … King Kong swiping at those planes … mean as fuck but we know the truth."
He looked directly at her, his light eyes wet with as much love as he could give and fear and intense sorrow … he kissed her again. Bit her lip, ran his tongue over her mouth. An incredibly sexual, sensual move that Téa had most definitely not ever felt from him before. A taste of a man she had yet to know. She touched her lips.
"Don't go, Todd."
"Don't look, Delgado."
And he walked out. Leaving her standing in the room. Breathless.
Give me a reason, Todd, to take another breath.
Give me a reason to come back to this life.
His head hurt and so did his wrists from being tied up for too long. Jedediah moved his sore body onto his side, then worked to sit up and leaned against the wall. Watched a while the nasty stuff going on before his eyes, across the room.
They were noisy, rough. He knew they were fucking but it looked more like a beating. Licked his lips because he was thirsty. Shit, he'd been stupid. Stupid, stupid … stupid. The games on the bed finally came to violent, enthusiastic end.
Phillip laughed aloud at Jedediah's hoarse, tired, "Bravo."
"What's wrong, Chant? Want some action? I COULD arrange that."
"Fuck off."
The woman next to Phillip laughed, too. Shouldn't have done that. Phillip reared back his fist and pounded her once, clocked her. She didn't move anymore. Jedediah didn't move his eyes. Snorted, "They just never know when to shut the fuck up."
"Got that right." Phillip got up, walked over … naked as the day he was born. Jed didn't look away, refusing to show how scared he was. Phillip kicked at Jed, kicked at his legs … to make him move … just for a reaction. "I waited a long time for you."
"For what? To teach me your good moves on the chicks? On that boy?"
"Yeah … you like any of that?"
"Sure … can't wait to tell about it on share-day."
"Ha! That's funny! You're a funny guy! Just like your mom. She had the best sense of humor. Last thing she told me before I threw her into that river, was … 'I should have listened to my mom…' Ha! Haha! And she was so right."
"You sick fuck."
Phillip kneeled down, getting eye level with Jedediah. "Your mouth is starting to bother me. Maybe you're going to have to learn to use it for other things. Like your daddy." He laughed when he saw Jedediah quirk. "I bet you didn't know that about your dad… that he was real good at using his mouth. You want that? You'd get to be just like him."
"No." Jed swallowed hard, trying to not to show how scared he was. Sometimes, though, it got hard to cover up.
"Okay, then … you ought to choose your words more wisely."
"Okay," Jed whispered … Phillip hopping back up. Brought back some whiskey.
"Can I have some water?"
"This'll do." He tipped the bottle at Jed's mouth. Tried to stick it into his mouth, a grin playing at his lips. Jed read the obvious allusion so he tried not to drink it but couldn't avoid it. It spilled over him … and he had to control himself. He wanted to cry but no damn way.
"Too good," Phillip muttered, taking a drink himself. The cell phone rang out at that and he skipped across the room, pulling it out of his pants hanging a chair's back. "Yeah?"
Jedediah took in the surroundings, remembered the sequence of events … of stupidity. He'd jumped out the window and hit his head good. Stumbled into that open door that had been so waiting for him. So stupid … he'd gotten inside the car and must have passed out. When he awoke, his hands were tied, he feet, too … no shoes on, but so far, he believed he'd been unmolested. Prayed for it. What really bothered him though, was what he awoke to: Phillip having a grand ole' time with some young kid. A boy no older than 16 or 17 …and when all was said and done, Jedediah wasn't sure the kid was alive anymore. He wasn't sure. Couldn't be sure.
He had hoped it was a nightmare. The next time he woke up, the scene had changed. Phillip working on the computer. And they talked. He learned who his captor was, learned all the details about his mother. Learned about her death … about why Phillip killed her. He learned about Todd and their long-ass history. He learned a lot of things and he wondered if he would ever share those things … with anyone … again.
Couldn't be sure.
Phillip strolled to the bed… the girl still lying on the bed. He poked at her with his fingers … and she stirred. He hit her again, laughing. "Stupid bitch." He started touching her body, playing with it. Intruding in places. Jedediah turned his head when the guy started to masturbate, an ugly heated act. He was still shuddering, holding his dick when he turned to Jedediah. Walked towards him.
Jedediah scrambled to try to get away but there was nowhere to go. He was tight against the wall, his breath fast.
Phillip laughed, pulling at himself. Watched Jed. Licking his lips. "I bet you're real pretty under them clothes. I'd give you another show, get you a little wet, but I'm kinda peckered out. Hahaha…"
"Fuck off."
More laughter. A stretch of his dick. Another kick to Jed's legs. "Interesting phone call just now. Seems your daddy … is out and about again. Unfuckin'believable. Ever see that bunny, the one that keep a running no matter what? What's the name of that guy?"
"Energizer Bunny."
"Yeah! Hahahahaha! That's the one, that's your father. He's the fucking energizer bunny, man. He's had some bad luck in his life. But fuck if he doesn't get back onto his feet and keep going."
"Yeah."
"Well …I WAS going to take a trip to West Virginia, to them hills."
Jedediah didn't say anything. Trying not to look at his captor.
"Go ahead," Phillip said, " Ask me why."
Jedediah spat, "Why."
"Well … I know I told you I killed your mother … but you know they never found her body so … I thought you and I could try to locate her. Have a family reunion. But … now that the Energizer Bunny is marching about Llanview again, I have to postpone our trip. Eh … I don't know. I'll see … I'll be gone a while …" He glanced over at the woman. "I got some business to take care of. Don't you pull any tricks now."
At that, Phillip got dressed. Tossed a bottled water near Jed. He'd have to work to get it. That fucker. Then the sicko hoisted the woman onto his shoulder and left the room, left the house. Jedediah began to cry, not knowing what to do … how to get out. Stuck … stuck in a room … tied up good and tight. The ropes weren't really ropes but leather handcuffs and they linked to a pole that made it impossible to get out of. Fucking … impossible.
God, why had he been so goddamn stupid?
Sixteenth Street opened up like the mouth of a serpent, the run-down buildings like the sharp brutal teeth, the blood and souls of the disenfranchised like swamp water rushing over the waiting tongue.
Brandy's high-heeled boots tapped along the frosty sidewalk next to Todd. He watched every face, every man, woman … watching for a sign of Phillip, for Grayson, the one who set up the little meeting at the apartment. Soon, Brandy hit her usual corner, began doing her usual thing. Todd couldn't watch her, pulled out a cigarette from his bag except he had to bum a light from some passerby. Made himself visible, steel-toed boots and all.
Didn't take long. Toby, the drug-dealer caught sight of him, made a beeline to the alleyway … Brandy busy with yet another twenty-job behind the dumpster. Made a beeline to Todd.
"Yo … it's been a while. Where ya' been?"
"Had a little trouble. Things are okay now."
Toby sniffed, glancing down a ways, glanced at bouncing black hair … trash, nothing but trash. "You got green, need anything?"
Todd swallowed hard … he had promised to avoid this. Promised he wouldn't use unless things got weird, that he'd avoid avoid avoid jumping down the rabbit hole unless he just had to. But looking at Toby now, his lizard brain fed him a real logical argument, lizard said, well jeez wouldn't it be weird if you turned Toby down? Toby would definitely think it's weird. Can't do anything to jeopardize the mission, Captain!
So he said casually, "Yeah, yeah. I got cash." Slickly pulled out a couple of bills, and handed Toby the money. And in return he got a nice, crisp bag of dope. Stuffed it into his pocket. Swallowed down some sweet saliva … sweet with gut-twisting desire.
Wake up … wake up …
Toby then said, "If you need a place to hang out at, you're welcome to return to my abode. My friends like you. A lot."
Faceless hands, touching him, him touching them. You liked that. You liked it a lot.
"Yeah," Todd croaked. "'course. Appreciate the invite. I know I disrespected your place with my carelessness …"
"S'okay. All's forgiven, man. Money talks. Along with other things. Like I said, my friends like you."
Todd found he had no voice, just nodded, made a grunting sound as Toby stepped away. He bit down hard on his tongue until he tasted blood. Nothing happened at Toby's, those running words are just heroin dreams. He shut his eyes but the pictures were still there, the sounds, the feel.
Like that, like that…ohhh like that. Oh we got it now, yeah, oh yeah. Ain't you a good boy. Ain't you a beautiful boy. Haha ain't you dripping now all over my hand, boy. Oh yeah, oh yeah… my turn now.
He shuddered and had to work hard not to puke. Nothing but a sick heroin-fueled fantasy. He rubbed the dope bag in his pocket and watched Toby stroll down the street. He scanned the crowd. Wondered if people could hear his thoughts, could see the dream playing in his head. He thought he saw some passersby laughing at him. At how easily he gave in to strangers. In the dream. He held onto the light post to stay on his feet.
How could Téa say… "I love you." It was she who lied. He swallowed the bile at the back of his throat.
Todd found himself searching for the police officer that was supposedly on the case that he suddenly remembered. Jesus. Would they arrest him now? He waited for sirens, for commands of cops, but nothing. He couldn't identify anyone. Couldn't tell one black car from another, one plain car from another. Couldn't pick them out of the people around him. Wondered how much prison time for such a small bag of dope. Because he had no plans to use. Right, right. Purchasing didn't mean using. He was still avoiding after all. Just had to make things look right for Toby, that was all. He had work to do. No time to be shooting up … no time for peacefulness.
He shook his head, a 'no' … to anyone who might be watching him. No contact with the monster yet, not yet. Brandy came back and he looked at her. Smelled on her breath, her business. He had to control a sudden rush of emotion and she reached her arms around him because she saw that he was not himself. That he was afraid.
His sister whore, sister-sacrifice laid out on Satan's altar, said softly, "It's okay, baby … you want me to love you? I'll make you feel better … I'll love you until it hurts." She giggled and he shuddered with an ache that ripped through his insides. Still embracing him, her arms hanging onto him, wrapped around his neck, Brandy then sang a little, sang some lyrics to him … in a breathy voice, words from babes singing from the sulfur-stinking pits of hell.
"Someday your child may cry, and if you sing this lullaby, then in your heart, there will always be a part of me. Someday we'll all be gone, but lullabies go on and on, they never die, that's how you and I will be …"
The sun sank into the horizon and the cold stung their faces. Todd and Brandy disappeared into the crowd and into the night, shuffling down the boulevard to grab a bite to eat, hand in hand … money in her pocket, dope in his. A specter of peacefulness nipped at their heels … as they got swallowed by a serpent of Sixteenth Street.
To be continued...