On the Edge of Wakefulness, Part 2
Chapter 38
I'd kill myself if I didn't get a chance to do anything - you've got an already-dead person - he'll keep coming to me until he kills me - remember how a bullet in your skull would have been so much better - I'll die trying to stop it - getting killed would be easy - you think I'm not scared to die out there? Fuck this, fuck that … fuck death. No, fuck life. Fuck LIFE.
"He throws the word, 'death,' around like one of those vending machine rubber balls children love so much. It's all over the place," Viki said, sitting across from a cluttered desk, watching Tim Graham scratch something out on a pad of paper. She heard the sound of his writing and it made her think of mice clawing away at the edges of a mousetrap.
She sighed and glanced out the window. It was cold today, a snowy day. She did not want to think of anything other than how beautiful things looked outside his window. But Todd and Jedediah beat out the beauty.
Viki had come to Tim's office at the doctor's request. She assumed he wanted to hear from her about the time she was in Todd's room, about the time he was seconds away from turning the moment into a full-blown hostage situation. He'd done it before and it worked in his favor. She understood why Todd would try again. And in a way, getting aggressive with Viki did get the result he wanted.
Scratch, scratch, scratch.
It had been nearly thirty-six hours since Jedediah's disappearance from the hospital without a trace. It had been nearly twenty-four hours since Todd had left. And the snow told her the temperature was in the teens.
Looking up, Tim took her in for a few seconds longer than made Viki comfortable. She shifted in her seat and fussed with her hair. He seemed to look into her. She almost smiled at how many jokes Todd had made over the years about psychiatrists, about being "shrunk." She didn't.
"Good analogy," Tim said, at last. "That ball being tossed around, same as how he tosses 'death' around." He studied Viki again with those blue eyes. They really were penetrating. "Todd hasn't felt connected to what you and I call, 'life' in a very long time," he theorized.
Viki knew he was worried too, like everyone else, but of course, he kept things in check as his profession demanded. "I don't think the word, 'death' means anything to him other than what you say, a thing to throw around and disrupt everyone's sense of safety. He wants people around him to be as uncomfortable as he is. He doesn't feel so alone that way."
He studied Viki again. Cleared his throat. "Yesterday was pretty harrowing."
"Yes, it was."
"I noticed something. It's why I asked you to come today." She sat quietly with a look of mild curiosity. He continued. "We all tried to talk Todd out of his plan to leave. Téa, Sam, me, you. You were not as aggressive as Téa. I saw him look at you once when you were agreeing with Téa and then you shut down. He gave you a look and you immediately stopped arguing."
Viki was now looking down, a thumb caressing the nails of her other hand. A little brush of her finger on each nail. The thumb first, all the way to her pinky finger and then back. When she looked back at Tim, her eyes had reddened, watered. Tim slid a box of tissues towards her and she took one. She sniffled, dabbed at the tears but kept her dignity, her composure. She was not as demonstrative as Téa. She was old-school, old-money, East Coast stoic.
"Can you tell me what was going on?" Tim put the pen down, implying that anything she said would be confidential and not part of any file and that she had his full attention.
She took a deep breath, then said in a deliberately controlled voice, "He told me that he engaged in some … activity, sexual activity, with …" She hesitated a moment because to say it out loud made it even more devastating to her. "He engaged in a sexual act with Phillip Manning in exchange for drugs. That's how he knows what Phillip looks like. Now. This piece of the story, he did not share with Bo or the police."
"Yeah, he just said that Brandy knew him by name. That they'd both seen him in these… drug circles." He paused. "That doesn't quite explain your-"
"He shared... that Phillip bit him. That the wound on his leg had come from Phillip when Todd stopped the activity. He used… very explicit language in describing what happened."
"That's out of the norm, in your relationship with him."
"Right." She paused. "'The devil is in the details.'" She laughed shortly, her eyes reddening once again. "He got very detailed with what happened."
Tim didn't say anything. Just held a steady gaze. Not writing. She visibly swallowed, as if gathering strength, then said in an emotionless tone some of the words she could not stop hearing, "'I didn't want to come in his mouth so I told him to stop sucking my dick so he bit me.' That's what he told me. Then he proceeded to explain what that meant to him. It meant… torture. That Phillip was going to torture Jedediah before he killed him."
Tim tilted his head, waiting. The story wasn't over.
Viki went on. "By torture he meant that he feared Phillip would molest Jedediah and to him, the possibility of abuse was worse than the possibility of Jedediah getting killed. The incident with Phillip is what caused that line of thinking." Lifting her eyes to the doctor, she sniffed, tears rolling down her face. She dabbed at her cheeks. She was fighting the hurt and was determined not to fall apart. Then she got to the crux of the story.
"He reminded me of the abuses our fathers imposed on us. It was those abuses, the details of the abuses, that he held over me. The smells, the pain, being beneath our fathers, the loss of my virginity. I could not disagree with him… death for Jedediah would be better than THAT. And he believed he could get to Phillip faster than any officer." She crumpled a little in the chair. A tearful childlike voice then added, "I am so sorry that I could not disagree with him about death over abuse. The devil… is in the details."
Tim leaned back in the chair. He nodded. Understood everything now about why Viki had seemed so… compliant. She blew her nose and breathed to regain herself. "Did he tell you about the bite?"
"No," he said. "I knew it was a human bite though. An impression was taken. It's with the police in case he wants to file charges. I guessed the circumstances however. I was right."
"It bothers me," she choked.
"It should bother you. It's a horrible confrontation he had."
"How could he do that?"
"Reliving abuse, Viki. Plain and simple."
"I thought it was something like that and it … makes me sick," she whispered, "and I'm ashamed of those feelings."
He paused … let her statement settle with her … let her get used to the verbalization. She wiped her cheeks hard, took another breath. Grabbed another tissue.
"Do you want to talk about what makes you sick?"
She shrugged, "I don't know. I don't understand the re-creation. He despises the abuse, despises Peter Manning. And yet… he re-creates it? I don't get that."
"So he can do exactly what he did. Say no. He couldn't as a child. But he can now."
Viki understood THAT. That made oodles of sense. She glanced out the window, seeing a snow flurry in the distance. It was going to be terribly cold tonight. "Is it possible he's gay? I mean, to allow such a thing… at all, surprises me."
Tim's eyes brightened, "Allow?"
"He wasn't raped. He made a conscious choice to sell himself."
Tim smiled not out of humor or even mockery, but rather that he had strong feelings about this idea of "allowing."
"If by allow, you mean nobody put a gun to him and forced themselves on him, true. But at what point does 'choice' go out the window when you're being pursued by ghosts and addiction?"
"He makes the choice to use drugs in the first place…"
"And again, at what point does 'choice' go out the window when you're pursued by ghosts? Everything comes into play, Viki. 'Choice' becomes a rather murky concept."
She was quiet. Then, "I guess … picturing him with another man … in that way …"
"So the same-sex act bothers you. If he'd gotten paid by a woman…"
"No, no… now that you put it that way. I am just surprised that he would be with a man. I have never seen anything in him, in his conduct, to make me think- I would have been equally disturbed if it had been a woman. Selling himself… is mortifying." She paused. "Can abuse by a same-sex parent turn a person… gay or bisexual?" She huffed, "I sound like a backwoods ninny. I'm sorry. I'm not this stupid."
"It's not out of line to wonder. To answer your question, no, sexuality is a born thing. Behavior on the other hand is not. That's developed. The two intersect, obviously, so it's hard to tell if this is a behavior separate from his sexuality or if it's an expression of his sexuality. Viki, we don't know at this point because he's too ill to sort things out."
"Have you spoken of such things?"
Because Todd had signed a waiver, Tim had the freedom to discuss anything with her regarding Todd's treatment. But he could decide what needed to be shared and what didn't. He suddenly felt a kinsman's respect for Todd's privacy.
He did not want to share the fact that Todd had tried to seduce him, and that it was a very effective attempt. That Todd had shown a surprising familiarity with a man's weakness to beauty, to raw sex, even an awareness of what a man would appreciate in another man. The way he had grabbed himself was much too... familiar. It could have been a reflection of himself, that Todd knew a man's desires and wants simply because he was a man and possibly, an experienced gay or bisexual man. But Tim did not think it came from within. It was a practiced display, yes. But it told the doctor that Todd's abuse had been much more severe than Tim had thought, that it had a much greater scope and complexity than they so far had discovered.
Tim found himself trembling a little out of fear for his patient on the street. The sexual engagement was risky behavior indeed. Tim did NOT have but the smallest conversation with him about his sexuality. Tim realized now that he'd taken a huge risk in waiting to discuss it. If Todd did not understand it, he would not be able to evaluate and therefore control his behavior.
And THAT could be wildly dangerous. As it already had proven to be. Tim took a gamble and Todd lost.
Tim sighed and gazed at Viki. "No, we have not discussed his sexual behavior. I did not think he was ready for that."
Viki nodded. "I know he's… complicated. Considering his own sex crimes. I have wondered about it. It perhaps is even more complex."
Tim agreed and then noted, "All that aside, remember that he had one goal yesterday. To get the hell out of the hospital. He wasn't going to pull any punches to get you to separate yourself from your moral instincts, to get you to abandon your desire to protect him. And the uglier he is to you … the better. It frees him to make the choices he makes. In this case, leaving the safety of the hospital to go back to the fray."
"The fray. Wait. You're saying his leaving wasn't just about Jedediah."
"No. His addiction drives him. He ran to find Jedediah just as much as he ran back to heroin."
"Of course." Viki crumpled the tissue in her hands, over and over. Tried to say something, but held back. After some moments passed, she offered, "I … sometimes wish … you're going to be horrified, I'm sure … but you're not going to tell me. You're going to play doctor, play the understanding physician …"
"Say it."
"I sometimes wish his death would come. What kind of person am I to lie at night entertaining fantasies of him dying? Worse, when I hear him in my head, telling me that Phillip had bitten him … I now think, 'good, you deserved it.'"
Again, Tim said nothing, her words hanging in the air. She watched Tim for a few seconds, waiting for what he would say, waiting for his endless compassion which she didn't want.
"Viki … do you see your father in him?"
She wrinkled her nose, her eyes squeezing shut. A hand pressed on her lips and she shook her head. She found herself patting her closed eyelids with open palms. No … no … she saw herself in him, isn't that how it is? A fellow abused person, another child like her … sure. Then her mind drifted to Brandy… to her mouth forming a 'wow' as she stepped through the front door of Llanfair.
"I never seen a place like this … I don't even know … how many rooms this place got?"
"This mansion has many rooms," Viki had answered the girl, knowing she wouldn't understand the biblical reference. "A room for everyone, for you, too. Come, let me show you. You can sleep in one of the guest rooms." Brandy then had followed Viki … right behind her, making soft, breathy noises at each turn of a corner, each pass of yet another space filled with treasures never before seen.
Finally, they had stopped at a bedroom exploding with the deepest of purples, the color of the richest burgundy wine. Viki hit a button at the entrance and a wonderful blaze of fire burst to life in a fireplace, evoking an utterance of amazement from Brandy. She looked at Viki with sheer delight. She laughed. Velvet pillows lined the top of the bed - beyond that, a light gleamed from the bathroom showing a sparkling tile floor, such wonderful gold accents further on inside.
"You're letting me stay in THIS room? You sure?"
"Definitely sure. It's my favorite. My daughter decorated it. I like it more than my own room. And it's yours for as long as you like."
"I hate to mess up that bed … wow." She then looked mischievous and hopped onto it, giggling as she fell backwards onto the thick comforter. "I bet you Todd'd be laughing at me now," she sighed. "He's used to this kind of thing, I think." She had stared at the ceiling a while, following along the tops of the walls with her fingers, making as if she were touching them.
The problem happened when Brandy sat up to take off her jacket, the problem … was that when the little thing removed her jacket, yellowing bruises left from someone's hands on her screamed loudly at Viki … she then asking plainly, "Did Todd hurt you? Is he the one who left those marks?"
Brandy appeared confused and then eyed the damage. She shrugged as if Viki had asked something else, something rather inconsequential. Brandy then returned Viki's inquiry with a question of her own: "Did you buy all this stuff yourself? I mean, go shopping for it?"
Viki was thrown by the complete dismissal of Todd's injury of her … but she couldn't let it go, "Brandy … what did he do to leave those kinds of marks on you?"
Sitting up once more, she smiled, "Ain't nothin' Mrs. Todd's Sister. What you so worried over?"
"You shouldn't get hurt that way. He shouldn't do that to you."
"He holds me tight when he loves me. That's love you're looking at!"
When Viki opened her eyes, Tim was right next to her, in the other chair next to her, holding her hand as she spoke tearfully, "This is all about the abuse he went through, right? He's out there, using drugs for that peacefulness, right? To relieve the pain from what Peter did to him, from all the things he's done in return, right?"
Tim said, "Yeah."
"Then what the hell is he doing to Brandy? I mean, I saw bruises on her tiny arms since she was at my house. My god. To leave those kinds of marks! We knew it was happening. Téa saw him hit her. We've all been patient with him, this is his 'twin' after all … this is some kind of connection he needs … he loves her in his own way … blah, blah, blah … but when I saw that damage … and she called it 'love' … love! Tim, all my compassion went out the window and all I felt was pure rage at him. So he deserves that bite. He deserves to get killed out there. And now I wonder, why did I tell him about Jedediah? Why did I let him walk away … why didn't I fight harder against his efforts to go back to the streets? Really, why?"
"Do you have an answer?"
"Because I wanted that death to come. Even before I saw the wounds on Brandy. Because you must be right. I see my father in him. When he held me in the bathroom, I could smell his sweat and it reminded me of my father. Sickeningly sweet and bitter and sharp. So maybe… I stopped fighting his desire to go back to the streets because I am hoping he'll die out there."
The anger had dried her tears.
Tim nodded. "You have every right to be angry. He IS a sexual predator. He IS and CAN BE a danger in society. He may always be a danger. He IS Victor Lord's biological son. The connection, for you, is obvious." Tim sighed, then said, "The hospital reported a lot of physical damage to Brandy's body. Bruising mainly. Her arms, thighs, ribs, vaginally, anally. It's hard to tell who did it though. She didn't attribute the injuries to anyone. She said she continues to work the streets and that her clients get rough."
She huffed and pressed fingers to her lips. "Then I am truly a monster to have let him take her. You didn't want to. I insisted because of what Todd said, because of those details. He needed her to help find Phillip. I really don't want to think about my handing Brandy over to Todd, about the significance of THAT."
"Well, to be fair, she wouldn't have stayed with you. The moment she would have heard Todd left the hospital, she would have left. Or Todd would have gotten her from your home."
"Do you think he… um… could he have regressed?
Tim shut his eyes this time. Found himself holding his head in his hands a moment or two. He'd had conversations with Téa about this and she did worry for Brandy. She did suspect that. He had admitted something to that effect but his stories about himself were often unreliable. He often used the term rape as a metaphor for all his bad acts. And Brandy refused to implicate him.
"I don't know. Anything is possible."
She looked towards the windows. From where she sat, she saw a dreamy carpet of morning snow surrounding a dormant garden with leafless, flowerless shrubs. Nothing but thorns sticking outwards. She imagined herself pricking a finger on them, bringing her finger to her mouth and sucking on the hurt. She could almost taste the blood.
Returning her gaze to Tim, she said, "Téa is furious with me. She doesn't know about that thing with Phillip, doesn't understand WHY I let Todd walk all over me."
"Is that how you see it?"
"Yes. He used Jedediah. Dangled the threat of rape or … sexual abuse … that Jed could be hurt that way by Phillip above the possibility … that … that he's even alive. That's crazy. No, I sit here now and think NO! I want Jedediah alive even if he has to suffer some PTSD from abuse! I want that child home! I want the police to go find him! And I wanted Todd in the hospital, safe. But it thoroughly crippled me. The smell of him. The sweet smell of him was like my father's. And I remembered a real thing, a fact I hadn't thought of in ages. That my father used morphine. That maybe their scents… are actually similar."
Tim raised his brows at that. He nodded in understanding.
"He said death would be better and I HAD thought that when it was happening to me. I had wished to die rather than be abused for another night. So I let Todd go and now I think, good. Go die. And if he dies, maybe Brandy will have a chance at surviving her own traumas, maybe we'll all finally sleep easier, you selfish, self-absorbed son of a bitch! GO DIE!" She was shaking with anger, her features crumpling with the awfulness of what she said. Tears she'd been crying had left light, makeup tinted streaks. She didn't let herself cry any more.
"He's worn me out," she said quietly. "This last thing … has worn me out."
Tim let some moments pass. Letting her regain her East coast composure. Then he said, "You've every right to think this way. It's perfectly normal. Be kind to yourself for wishing his death. Who wouldn't?"
She suddenly laughed, wiping her face with the crumpled tissue. Tim handed her a new one.
"You sound like me," she said. "I've been trying to appease Téa's broken heart, to soothe her, working to keep her from throwing in the towel. 'Just be there for him,' I tell her, 'he doesn't need to feel abandoned again,' 'be strong,' 'I'm here for you,' 'this is hard so give yourself a break,' 'forgive yourself for your anger.' And all the while, I'm wishing he was dead. It's not right."
"Do you want to talk about Victor?"
"No … I'm not ready to. I can't revisit him right now. Not with Jedediah out there, not with Todd out there …" He smiled, nodding in that comforting way of his. "Tim, what about you? I know so little about you. You've been wonderful to him, to all of us. Are you really able to step back and just be a doctor? How are you?" She needed distraction. She felt too much of a spotlight on her.
"Dr. Carpenter …"
"That's me …"
Tim set his blue eyes on Viki. "I'm not going to pretend that my professionalism hasn't been … compromised at moments because it has. Todd … got to me as some patients do. They trigger some part of you … I'm sure it has to do with my own history, with my friend, Jonathon … with my losing that friend of mine."
"He was a brother to you or like a brother, right? Or …" she hesitated, "more than that?"
Tim chewed on his lip and rubbed his curly hair. "Before Jonathan was diagnosed, before he got really sick, he was my lover. I loved him with everything I was. Still do." He looked somewhat apologetic. "I failed him …and I shouldn't have."
"I hope you're not alone now."
"I have someone … we're in love." He smiled. "And it's changed my mind about staying in Llanview."
Viki smiled in return, "I'm glad for you. I don't know this friend, do I?"
"Well, you might. He treats Todd, too. He's the internist, Shane Lansing. He's… something else. Kinda perfect."
She chuckled at his unabashed crush and stood and so did he and she hugged him and he hugged her back, shyly. Stepping back, she said, "Thank you for listening."
"Thank you for being honest, for telling me fully what happened yesterday. Everything helps me to help him. Todd's lucky to have you in his life. As we all are." Her face changed in response and he added, "Let's have faith, okay? What comes … comes. You'll get through it."
"Tim, what's your honest prognosis?"
She heard a heavy sigh … Tim checked his watch, "Just a second."
He walked a little away and made a quick phone call, then hung up, and returned to Viki, his face slightly drawn. He said, "He's probably feeling fine right about now. Or will be."
Viki looked confused and Tim answered without emotion. "Todd didn't check in this morning for his dose of methadone. Without it, withdrawals are going to be affecting him … and he'll turn to heroin. That's a flat-out guarantee. If he goes off the antibiotic treatment, the pneumonia'll worsen. Don't get any illusions about him being a hero for Jed."
Viki walked to the window, staring once again at the garden, looking beyond it. It was going to be so cold. Tears burned her eyes once more at the thought of Jedediah at Phillip's hands, at Todd's chances out there … she prayed they'd stay safe and protected.
She mainly prayed for Jed.
To be continued...