Patsy stirred from her spot on the sofa, curled up with her arms crossed and feet tucked close to her to keep warm. She felt as if she was waking from one of the deepest sleeps she had had for a long time, not once waking in the middle of the night for one reason or another. The fire on the hearth had died out some time ago but it was long after she had finally passed out after her rather active day. Her eyes still closed, Patsy woke, her mind racing, recalling, remembering what had happened, where she was, and why.
An ominous creaking noise from the ceiling caused Patsy to finally open her eyes. She rubbed the sleep out of the corners of her eyes and blinked, her gaze turning towards the ceiling suspiciously as the creaking continued. Patsy wondered for a moment if the noise was just the sound of critters in the attic seeking shelter from the snow. The only issue was that the noise Patsy was hearing didn't sound like the little tippy taps of tiny claws of mice or raccoons or any other kind of rodent. This was a long, low, groaning. It almost sounded as if the roof was fighting against something heavy. Something like the weight of…
'Snow,' Patsy said to herself, finding the energy within her to sit up and put her feet to the floor.
The redhead cracked her neck and fixed her hair, tying it back into a ponytail before she stood up and stretched. Her mind wondered if there was ever a time the bones in her body didn't click and pop every time she woke from sleep like this. She let out a long yawn and stretch, her fingertips reaching for the ceiling as she realized her body was sore in places she never knew existed, and she remembered it was because she had practically carried Bus… Delia… she had carried Delia on her back nearly a mile from the car to this place. Her arms, her back, and her thighs ached. She couldn't remember the last time she had pushed herself physically like that and she found the soreness to feel pretty nice, actually. She had no time to dawdle on the pain, and she pushed it aside thinking there was much more cleaning to get done that day to make the house livable for the foreseeable future. To her standards anyway.
A long, low groan from above Patsy's head brought her back from her thoughts. She looked at the ceiling dauntingly, wondering if she should worry it would fall through.
Still clothed from what she wore yesterday, Patsy had no reservation taking the few steps to the front door of the cabin and opening it wide.
Patsy was almost blinded by the sight. She blinked several times, her eyes adjusting from the dark lighting in the house to the unimaginable brightness of the acres and acres of untouched white snow that lay before her. The wind that blew kicked up freshly fallen flurries and the chill in the air sent a shiver down Patsy's spine to her toes. It looked like an absolute dreary white wasteland out there.
And speaking of waist, Patsy thought looking down at the sight immediately before her. The wind had blown snow that packed stiff against the door, holding its shape in front of Patsy as she looked at it. The snow here really did come to her waist, and it looked as though the rest of it beyond the front porch was at least to her knees.
'Well, shit,' she swore.
She narrowed her eyes and looked out, spotting the detached shed that wasn't too far away from the house. Patsy figured she would need to see if there was anything in there that could help her get to the roof and deal with the snow. She shut the door and the groaning above her continued. She resolved she would need to work fast.
Patsy put plastic bags over her socks before she shoved on her boots. She scrounged through her rucksack and put on all the layers she could. Thermal shirt, flannel shirt, jumper, zip hoodie, then coat. She wrapped a scarf around her face and pulled her hood over her head, and she kicked herself when she realized she had no gloves or mittens, resolving to just do without.
All bundled up and feeling a sense of urgency to do something about the impending collapse of the roof, Patsy threw open the front door and pushed her way out, closing the door behind her as she shuffled through the deep snow, feeling much like she was walking underwater. The icy wind stung at the exposed skin of her hands. She would have stuck them in her pockets, but she needed to keep them out to hold her balance as she took those big steps, the snow practically up to her knees when she stepped down from the front porch.
When she did reach the shed, she looked back at the house and her fears were confirmed that there was several feet of snow weighing down on the roof. She turned back to the shed and clenched her fist, banging on the latch that had been rusted shut, and pushed the wooden door open. Once inside, Patsy took a look around to see what she had to work with.
There was a workbench with half completed projects. Little things like what looked to be a spice rack and a birdhouse. A box of hand tools like hammers and saws, haphazardly put away with their handles sticking out sat on the table as well. There were random things scattered along the floor and against the walls like a garden hose, lanterns, empty flower pots and bags of potting soil, more chopped wood in the corner, and beside them all was a three gallon tin can that Patsy suspected was for petrol. She walked over and lifted the can, happy to know that it was indeed full of the fuel they would need to take back to the car whenever the roads were plowed. Patsy made a note to herself to remember to leave some cash behind to repay whomever the owners were for everything they were using while stuck here.
Something dangling in front of Patsy caught her eye, and she looked up to see several yard tools hanging from hooks on the wall. Patsy stood to her full height and saw an array of shovels, rakes, a rather large outdoor broom and… a ladder.
Patsy grabbed the broom and ladder and left the shed, venturing back out into the snow and to the side of the house where she situated the ladder, raising it and locking it in place as she leaned it against the house. She tested how sturdy it was against the ground by placing her foot and her full weight against the first step. It seemed safe enough and Patsy reasoned that if she did fall from the one story roof, it wouldn't be very far, and she would have at least two feet of snow to cushion her fall. Taking the risk was worth preventing the roof from collapse, she figured.
Patsy slowly climbed the ladder, one step at a time, one hand on each rung as she raised herself with the broom held tight in the other. Once she reached the top, she used the broom to push off as much snow as she could, using the length of the handle to push as far as she could reach. Once the particular spot around her was clear enough, Patsy climbed the last rung of the ladder and gingerly stepped onto the roof, careful to move slow so she didn't slip. She sat down, her legs straddling the apex of the roof, and she let out a breath of relief at not having broken her neck yet.
Patsy rested her back against the brick of the fireplace, taking a moment to look out around her. It really was a nice view, the mountains and rolling hills around her covered in snow. The lake in the valley below looked black with tendrils of ice weaving further and further inward towards the center.
Patsy cupped her hands over her mouth to blow warm air on her fingers, which stung from the cold and were turning red. She would need to hurry before the elements could do any damage.
She took the broom and pushed off the snow from one side, then situating it to the other side of the roof and pushing the snow off the opposite side. She scooted herself forward and repeated the motions, looking as if she were paddling a canoe.
Patsy made it about half way across the roof before she heard her name called. She looked down to see Delia in her pyjamas, looking as if she had hastily thrown on her coat and boots and rushed outside.
'Patsy, what on earth are you doing?' Delia called up to her, looking up at Patsy incredulously.
Patsy pulled the scarf from her mouth and tucked it under her chin
'The roof isn't strong enough to hold all this snow. I'm pushing it off so it doesn't cave in on us…' she trailed off, narrowing her eyes at Delia, 'Go back inside,' she continued, nodding her head, 'I don't want to see you on the sprained ankle of yours.'
Delia rolled her eyes and clutched her coat around her, crossing her arms over ever chest and tucking back a strand of hair that had come loose from her braid, 'My ankle is fine! It's you I'm worried about! Don't want you to fall and break your neck.'
'You don't?' Patsy smirked, 'Just yesterday you wanted to hit me upside the head with a tire iron,' she teased.
Delia faltered and blushed, though Patsy convinced herself the brunettes cheeks were just red from the cold.
'Well, that was yesterday, wasn't it?' Delia said feebly.
Patsy merely smirked, 'I'm almost done here, don't worry. I'll take it nice and easy on my way back down, I promise,' she finished, honestly quite touched at Delia's concerned look.
Patsy brought her scarf back over her nose and mouth, looking back down at Delia who still seemed hesitant to move.
'Get back inside,' Patsy said once again, 'I don't want any of this to fall on you.'
Patsy continued pushing snow off the roof, the opposite side from where Delia was standing until the woman relented and trudged back inside, leaving Patsy to finish her task. Once she had reached the other side and cleared the roof of all the heavy snow, she gingerly stood and slowly walked back to the ladder, throwing the broom to the ground so she could use both hands and ease herself back onto the ladder and to the ground safely. She collected everything and put it back into the shed before she pocketed her hands and trudged her way past the now enormous mounds of snow she had created, and back into the house.
Patsy was surprised when Delia approached her as soon as she entered the foyer, the smaller woman fussing over her, taking her coat and scarf to be hung up and instructing her to take her wet boots off on the old towels she had found and placed down on the floor so she didn't track any water through the house.
Patsy did as she was told, relieved to find Delia had managed to get a fire going in the time it took for her to clear the roof. She walked through the lounge and sat close by, warming her body and her hands with the heat emanating from the flames. She rubbed her hands together, the feeling slowly coming back to her fingers, and she was relieved to no longer hear that ominous groaning from above her head.
Delia emerged from the kitchen, limping slightly, before sitting next to Patsy by the fire with a cup of tea in one hand and a plate with what looked like a little sandwich in the other.
'Tea?' Delia said, holding out the cup to Patsy.
'Oh,' Patsy said, blinking several times at the steaming mug in front of her, 'Delia you didn't have to…'
'Patsy just take the tea.'
Patsy shut her mouth and took the tea, clasping the mug with both hands, the heat pleasantly stinging her cold fingers.
'Here,' Delia said, holding up the plate in her hands, 'I've made you a breakfast sandwich.'
'You didn't…'
'Stop,' Delia commanded, and once again Patsy shut up.
Delia picked up the sandwich and held it up to Patsy's face, 'Open your mouth.'
Wide eyed and feeling her cheeks and ears turn ferociously red from the order, Patsy deemed she had no choice but to do as she was told, given the look Delia was directing at her in that moment.
Patsy opened her mouth and Delia fed her a bite of the sandwich.
'Is it good?' Delia asked, and Patsy silently nodded, honestly quite too afraid to say anything at all.
Delia smiled, 'Good! I found these English muffins in the freezer so I just popped them in the toaster for a bit. It's a shame we don't have any cheese or eggs, but I managed to find a bit of bacon behind the chocolate ice cream, which I noticed you conveniently did inot/i tell me about last night,' Delia said, playfully turning up her nose at Patsy.
'Slipped my mind,' Patsy managed to eek out once see swallowed her bite.
'I'm sure it did,' Delia said, 'and for future reference, you would be wise to disclose all chocolate to me, because you wouldn't be able to hide it anyway,' she smiled, 'I have a talent for finding hidden chocolate like a pig snuffling for truffles.'
'Noted,' Patsy said, and she couldn't help but smirk at the imagery.
Delia smiled back and held up Patsy's sandwich, 'Open,' she simply said, feeding Patsy another bite.
'So that's two things I did for you today Patsy,' Delia started, and Patsy raised an eyebrow as she chewed, 'I made this lovely fire and I made us tea and breakfast so you didn't have to do it,' Delia looked at her knowingly, 'because I know given the chance you would have insisted on doing it, wouldn't you?'
Patsy merely blinked, but she knew Delia was right.
'It's a lot less stressful when you get to know people and rely on them to do things, Patsy. You know, learn their strengths and delegate duties to those strengths like a good supervisor would,' Delia continued, 'Otherwise one might just get fed up and do everything themselves and end up resenting others for not doing anything.'
Patsy merely blushed, looking rather guilty as she swallowed her bite.
'But not you though. You're going to start letting me do some things around here until we get ourselves out of this place. And then you're going to start letting me and the other nurses take care of the little things at the clinic.'
Delia paused to hold up and feed Patsy the last bite of the breakfast sandwich, who ate it without a fight.
'Because I've noticed when you're not stressed out, you're actually quite a pleasant person to be around, Patsy,' Delia finished with a small smile, 'you're thoughtful and kind, and I think everyone at the clinic would be much better off if you were like this all the time,' she tilted her head and raised an eyebrow at Patsy, 'you just have to be willing to let go of some things. Actually ask for help when you need it instead of just doing everything yourself. You might prefer to work alone but you certainly don't work better when you do. I think we can see more of this Patsy if she… what was it you told me yesterday?' Delia looked up in thought, bringing her finger to her chin, 'Oh yes, swallow your pride and let me help?'
Patsy merely nodded, not able to look Delia in the eyes. Her chest felt tight, her heart aching once again at the thought of Delia's words from the day before. Instead of responding, she shyly sipped her tea, trying her best to ignore Delia's eyes on her.
'So that's that then?' Delia asked, 'Not going to put up a fight? No comments or thoughts? No smartass remarks telling me I don't know what I'm talking about or how insufferable or useless I am?'
Patsy silently shook her head, desperately hoping her features didn't portray how sad she felt in that moment, how regretful she felt about her behavior towards Delia. Towards everyone. Patsy simply gulped down her tea and hoped that Delia would be satisfied with her silence.
'I've found that pork shoulder in the fridge and I think there's enough frozen vegetables and stock to make a nice stew from it,' Delia started, seemingly sensing Patsy's desire for her to move on from the subject, 'I'll have to do a bit more digging to see if there's a slow cooker,' she said more to herself and she rose from her spot next to Patsy.
'Delia you don't…'
Patsy clamped her mouth shut when Delia shot her a warning look that would set even the unruliness of children straight.
'I mean, that would be lovely, thank you.'
'That's what I thought,' Delia said, taking Patsy's empty mug from her and limping towards the kitchen.
Patsy watched with a heavy heart as Delia disappeared and she could hear the smaller woman turn on the sink, humming gently to herself as she scrubbed the dishes.
Patsy picked at her jeans from her spot on the hearth. The fire had grown quite large by now and was making her feel rather hot and uncomfortable, more than she already felt at the moment. There was a deep ache in Patsy's chest as she thought over what just happened. She was confused by Delia. One moment she was calling her pleasant and then next she was throwing out backhanded comments like that, then moving on as if it was nothing. Then again, Patsy had no right to be upset and she knew it. The hurt she was feeling now, she reckoned she had made Delia feel the same way, if not ten times worse at times. This pain she was feeling, she deserved it. She deserved every comment Delia decided to throw at her and she would just have to swallow how it made her feel and take it.
Just disappear.
She didn't feel like being near Delia right now anyway.
Patsy rose from her spot and headed towards the door, bundling back up in her scarf and coat and putting on her boots. She reckoned she could keep herself busy most the day by clearing the snow from the porch and shoveling the long walkway to the main road.
Quietly, she opened the door and stepped out, readying herself for another physically demanding task that, she reasoned, might tire her mind and body enough to take her thoughts off this whole bloody situation. For the time being anyway.
hr
Several hours passed where Patsy had her back towards the house, the repetitive motion of scooping up snow and tossing it off the drive really did work her muscles and cleared her mind. She had taken several breaks to stretch her back and even had herself a cigarette, the first she had in 24 hours. It relaxed her, for sure, but she was finding the process of moving her whole body to perform this simple task much more of a stress relief than any cigarette could have ever given her. She also noted that she hadn't had the urge to bite herself yet, thankfully. She would be hard pressed to do so anyway wearing all these layers. Even if her anxiety did flare right now, she could simply keep shoveling the infinite amount of show that lay in front of her.
Patsy cleared the walk about halfway to the road before she stuck the shovel in the snow and rose to her full height, pushing her hips out in front of her as she stretched her lower back as best she could. She decided she had had enough for the time being and was thinking now would be a good place to stop, the rest could be taken care of tomorrow.
Patsy picked up the shovel and began walking back to the house before she noticed Delia out front, bundled up in several layers herself, on her hands and knees in front of one of the snow mounds Patsy had created earlier that morning when she pushed the snow off the roof. Patsy looked at Delia rather confused as she approached, watching the smaller woman disappear inside of one of the mounds.
Patsy heaved the shovel she was holding into a pile of snow so that it stood up straight, and she walked over to where Delia had disappeared and bent over to see Delia's feet.
'What on earth are you doing?' Patsy asked.
'Pats!' Delia exclaimed, turning around to stick her head out of the little makeshift entrance, 'I've made an igloo! Want to come see?' she asked with a hint of childish excitement that made the brunette all the more endearing to Patsy.
'An igloo?' Patsy asked, 'Whatever for?'
'I wasn't just going to let this enormous pile of snow go to waste now, was I?' Delia said as she crawled back into her igloo. She re-emerged holding two small garden shovels, one in each hand, 'I dug it out using these things I found in the shed. Came quite in handy!' she exclaimed, shoving them into the snow, 'Come in! I want to show you!'
'Um…' Patsy looked on warily, and Delia could sense her hesitation.
'I have hot tea and biscuits in here!' Delia added.
'Well…' That was reason enough for Patsy to at least spend a minute looking around.
Patsy watched as Delia crawled back inside and she lowered herself to her knee, peeking in. The entrance was rather small and she would need to crawl through. She reasoned, since she was already dirty from all the manual labor she accomplished that day, crawling along the ground for a moment wouldn't be any worse.
Patsy lay on her stomach and began to army crawl through the narrow entrance, until she felt something tug on her hips.
'What the…?' Patsy said to herself, a panic rising within her chest.
'What's the matter?' Delia asked, her eyes wide as she nibbled on a vanilla wafer biscuit.
Red faced and rather confounded, Patsy tried pulling herself through with all her might, which admittedly wasn't much as she had spent most the day using all the upper body strength she could muster. Again, she remained in place as her hips appeared to be caught on something.
'Suppose I shouldn't help myself to any biscuits after all,' Patsy mumbled.
'Are you seriously stuck!?' Delia exclaimed.
'It appears so,' Patsy said, feeling mortifyingly embarrassed.
'Oh, this is even better,' Delia quipped.
Patsys head shot up, 'What do you mean?'
Delia smugly smirked, crossing her legs, one hand on her knee while the other sipped some tea from the mug of a thermos she brought out from the kitchen.
'Patsy, I'll be frank with you.'
Patsy looked up at the brunette incredulously.
'I had an ulterior motive for luring you into my igloo.'
'Oh for fucks sake,' Patsy mumbled, moving to wiggle her hips to no avail. She swore to herself she would never believe Delia ever again when offered tea and biscuits without her having a nefarious reason behind it.
'I just want to ask you one question,' Delia continued, setting down her tea.
'Delia if you ask me if I'm gay again…' Paty grumbled.
Delia giggled, 'Oh, I don't need to ask that one again. Your refusal to answer is admission enough.'
Patsy ignored her, 'Well if your question isn't 'Can I help you get unstuck?' then I'm not going to bloody fucking answer it,' Patsy said, growing annoyed.
'I don't really think you're in a position to made demands right now, Patsy,' Delia said, her smile growing wide and revealing those dimples.
Patsy gave a defeated sigh, resting her forehead on the packed snow that made up the floor of the igloo. She was so very tired from working all day, but the longer she remained stuck, the colder the lower half of her body became due to the prolonged exposure to the elements. And those dimples and a cup of hot tea seemed to be the perfect negotiation chips that Delia had going for her at the moment.
'Alright. What is it?' Patsy asked miserably, looking back up at Delia, who smiled kindly down at her.
'Have you been avoiding me?'
Patsy blinked.
'Because it seems you don't want to be around me,' Delia leaned back and crossed her arms, looking up as if in thought, 'Since we've been here I don't think we've spent more than five minutes in the same room.'
'Delia, it wasn't intentional, I've just had things to do,' Patsy said, but stopped when Delia cut her off.
'You wouldn't even sit down and have tea with me yesterday. Or supper.'
'I was cleaning and preparing your bath.'
'And you've left me to myself nearly all day today.'
'Delia, I needed to clear the walk.'
'You ineeded/i to? Whatever for? You've already done plenty of work outside today, why couldn't it have waited until tomorrow? And if it needed to be done today, why didn't you ask me to help?'
'Your ankle...'
'My ankle is fine,' Delia cut her off as she absentmindedly placed a hand over her right foot.
Patsy's gaze was towards the ground, and she heard Delia sigh deeply through her nose.
'Is it…' Delia started softly, sounding sad, 'Are you still just… tolerating me? I'm trying not to be a burden, but you wouldn't let me help with anything yesterday…'
Patsy sighed, 'Delia it's not that at all.'
'It's not?' Delia looked to Patsy with a hopeful glance.
Patsy shook her head, closing her eyes as she concentrated on what she was going to say.
'Delia, you pushed me down yesterday and told me you hated me. That you wanted nothing to do with me and that you wanted me to just disappear,' Patsy opened her eyes and looked up at Delia. She couldn't tell if it was the cold or the adrenaline that was making her want to shiver, but the look Delia was giving her gave her the gumption to continue on, even if her voice did shake, 'and while I very well can't disappear, I can at least make myself sparse. So,' she sighed, 'I'm not avoiding you so much as I'm just trying to adhere to your wishes.'
Patsy looked down again before continuing, 'I'm sorry for how I treated you over these past few weeks. I really did mean it when I said it yesterday. I know you don't believe me so I'm just… I'm just trying to show you through my actions, I suppose.'
The two women were silent for a moment, Patsy's gaze remaining downward, much too nervous to look at Delia, though she could hear the smaller woman sigh.
'Turn over,' Delia said, and Patsy looked up at her, 'Go on, turn over so you're laying on your back.'
Patsy did as instructed and she could feel Delia grasp her under her armpits and pull hard, and she finally popped loose and was all the way inside the igloo, laying down on Delia, the brunettes arms securely around her.
'Um… thanks,' Patsy said, a blush spreading across her cheeks from their position. She moved to get up, but Delia only tightened her grip.
'No,' Delia said softly, 'you stay here.'
Patsy's whole body remained stiff, too scared to move, or even breathe. Why was Delia doing this?
'I'm sorry, too,' Delia said, her breath tickling Patsy's ear, 'yesterday was… well. I was determined not to put up with your shit. Even gave myself a pep talk before leaving my flat that morning...'
'Delia, it's alright,' Patsy sighed, 'I was terrible to you. You have every right to hate me.'
'I know…' Delia said, 'but I don't feel that way anymore. In fact, even when I said it I don't think I even really meant it.'
'It was very convincing,' Patsy quipped, and she could feel herself relax slightly in Delia's arms.
'Hush,' Delia said, squeezing Patsy playfully, 'but I do regret it, you know. I regret saying those things. I don't actually hate you. I don't want you to disappear. If I really felt that way now I would have been fine if you really were avoiding me. I wouldn't… I wouldn't have felt sad at being left by myself all day. And last night.'
Patsy blushed and awkwardly patted Delia's knee to try and convey some kind of comfort and assurance, 'It's… Delia, it was something I needed to hear, alright?' she turned her head to try and look Delia in the eye, 'you did nothing wrong. It needed to happen. Otherwise…'
'Otherwise I wouldn't have seen the human side of you?' Delia finished with a small smile.
'Otherwise I'm convinced you actually iwould/i have hit me upside the head with a tire iron by now.'
Delia laughed, 'Don't worry, I don't feel like that anymore either.'
'Well that's good. But if you change your mind, there are plenty more options in the shed now.'
'No, I don't think so,' Delia said, giving Patsy another squeeze, 'It's not in my nature to be unkind. Besides,' Delia continued, 'I'm quite enjoying having you around.'
'You are?' Patsy asked with a tone of disbelief, her body stiffening in Delia's arms once more.
'Yes,' Delia said, shifting slightly to look at Patsy, 'I do quite like you, you know.'
'You do?' Patsy eked out, her eyes widening at how cavalier Delia was being.
'Yes,' Delia said with a chuckle, 'Is that so hard to believe? Why are you so tense?'
Patsy's heart was pounding furiously in her chest. Maybe she was so tense that the woman she was in denial about having a crush on was holding her and saying she didn't hate her, and in fact, iquite liked her/i. Patsy sighed, trying her best to relax so any of this didn't seem too obvious.
'I'm… I'm not used to being touched,' she said.
'Touched? Like at all?'
Patsy remained red faced and silent.
'When was the last time you were hugged?' Delia asked.
Patsy faltered, really not knowing the answer, 'I… I don't know. It's not like I'm a warm and inviting person or anything.'
'I don't think that's true at all. You can be a big grouch but you're a total sweetie at heart, I know it.'
Patsy clamped both her mouth and eyes shut, knowing for sure her face was the color of a tomato and she desperately hoped that Delia couldn't sense how hard her heart was beating or the shivers that were running down her neck every time the brunette spoke in her ear. Patsy absolutely found all this affection and compliments rather overwhelming and she wasn't at all sure what to do with all these feelings.
'Regardless,' Delia continued, 'I think you would do better with more hugs in your life.'
'Does George count?' Patsy said, trying to relive her jitters with some feeble humour.
'Of course he does. But people hugs are just as important,' Delia finished giving Patsy a friendly squeeze.
Delia sighed when Patsy only remained tense and uncomfortable.
'Oh, come on, Pats, it's not that bad. You said you didn't hate me, right?'
'I don't hate you,' Patsy said, giving a defeated sigh, 'it's just… I'm still terribly, terribly uncomfortable with you being nice to me or showing me any kindness at all,' she admitted truthfully, 'I don't feel like I deserve it after the way I've treated you.'
'Water under the bridge Pats,' Delia said, and Patsy could hear the reassuring smile on her voice.
'It's that easy for you, hmm?'
'It does no good for anyone to hold onto bitterness and hate. Besides, I feel like you've shown me your true self these last 24 hours. You're a nurturer, aren't you?'
Patsy merely shrugged.
'It's in your bones to take care of others, isn't it? That's probably why you became a nurse. Probably what drives you to be one of the best.'
'Still…' Patsy sighed.
'Pats,' Delia cut her off, her hold on the taller woman tightening as she pressed her forehead against the side of Patsy's, 'I forgive you,' she finished, and Patsy finally let out a deep sigh and felt herself relax completely in Delia's arms.
Patsy remained silent, and Delia gazed at her, studying her.
'Do you accept my forgiveness?' She asked.
Patsy looked back at her with sorrowful eyes and nodded.
'You should try and use your words sometimes,' Delia said with a small smirk.
'Sorry, I'm just awful about articulating… um, you know… feelings.'
'Well, get used to it,' Delia said, 'and while we're at it, I expect many more conversations where we talk about your feelings.'
Patsy groaned, and Delia giggled.
'But I think you've done a good job for now,' Delia said, reaching over and grabbing a biscuit from the pack, 'You've earned yourself a reward.'
Delia brought the vanilla wafer to Patsy's mouth and fed it to her before she could protest.
Patsy huffed as she chewed her biscuit, 'Are you to feed me everything today?' she cried indignantly.
'I don't see why not,' Delia said with a grin, 'it's cute seeing you get all worked up.'
'Alright, I've had enough hugging,' Patsy grumbled, frantically wiggling to release herself from Delia's grasp.
The smaller woman giggled as she let go, and Patsy situated herself on the other side of the igloo, crossing her legs and pocketing her cold hands, looking down as she desperately tried not to convey how happy it made her that Delia thought she was cute, but she was worried her red cheeks and ears would give her away. If Delia asked, she would blame the cold.
'Here, have some tea,' Delia said, still smiling, reaching for the thermos and pouring the steaming liquid into the little mug.
Patsy took the mug and sipped the hot tea as her eyes gazed up and around, taking in the small nook Delia had created for herself.
'This really is a nice little space you've made here.'
'Thanks!' Delia said with a grin, puffing her chest out as she was rather proud of herself, 'my brothers and I would play out in the snow when we were kids. Whenever there was a blizzard like this we would spend all day building forts and tunnels and having snowball fights.'
Patsy couldn't help but smile warmly as she watched a satisfying expression of nostalgia come across Delias features. The brunette looked up fondly, and Patsy could tell she was thinking about those fun memories of herself as a kid with her family. It made her want to do something that she usually avoided like the plague and ask Delia about her personal life, because, she realized, for once she was actually genuinely interested in knowing more about Delia, but she was denied the chance when Delia suddenly turned to her with a mischievous smirk.
'So, seriously though,' she leaned in close with an eyebrow raised, 'are you gay?'
Patsy smirked, sitting up straight and held her tea in her lap. It wasn't the personal question she initially had in her head to ask Delia, but if this was what she wanted to talk about, then so be it.
'Are iyou/i?'
Delia blushed, leaning back and blinking rapidly, seemingly unexpecting the question to be directed at her, 'What?'
'Well you seem so adamant about discussing this, I can only assume.'
Delia smiled bashfully, her ears turning red, 'Well, I mean…,'
Patsy watched as the younger woman rubbed the back of her neck nervously, still giggling. She found the sight rather endearing.
Patsy rolled her eyes, 'Oh dear,' she teased, bringing her mug of tea to her mouth to hide her smile, 'I didn't realize I was sharing an igloo with a baby dyke.'
Delia faked indignation, 'Hey now! I'm no baby dyke!' Delia crossed her arms, playfully narrowing her eyes at Patsy, 'I've been gay my whole life, thank you very much.'
Patsy shook her head, 'No, no, that's not how that works,' Patsy said wisely, taking a sip of tea.
'How do you mean?'
'Because any lesbian under the age of 25 is a baby-dyke,' Patsy explained slowly as if she were speaking to one of her patients.
'Oh fuck off,' Delia said, unable to contain her grin.
'It's true!' Patsy said, straightening her posture, 'and any lesbian over the age of 45 is a cougar.'
Delia narrowed her eyes, skeptical, 'So what's that make anyone in between?'
'Crazy,' Patsy simply said, sipping her tea.
Delia laughed, 'So you're admitting you're crazy?'
'Did you have any doubt?' Patsy asked with an eyebrow raised.
'So you're saying you're gay?!' Delia leaned forward, both hands on the ground as she was on the edge of her proverbial seat waiting for Patsy to finally answer.
Patsy sighed and took pity on the woman nearly hyperventilating in anticipation.
'Quite,' Patsy simply quipped from behind her mug.
Delia screamed, clenching her fists in victory and kicking her feet, 'Yes! I knew it! I knew it!' she laughed, 'I knew it from the moment I met you that you were totally gay! Yes, I feel so validated!'
'The moment we met?' Patsy said, more to herself than to Delia. The memory flashed briefly in her mind of Delia proudly holding out her hand to her, wanting to make a good impression, and Patsy snubbing her outright.
Patsy sighed at the memory, thoroughly wanting to kick herself, before an idea occurred.
Patsy smiled shyly and held out her hand, to which Delia looked at rather confused.
'I was terribly rude and didn't shake your hand when we first met, so… I don't know, I suppose I'm trying to rectify it.'
'Is this your way of wanting to start over?' Delia asked with a curious eyebrow raised.
Patsy blinked, 'Is that what you want?'
Delia shook her head, taking Patsy's hand in hers and giving a gentle squeeze, 'No,' she smiled, 'I don't want to forget anything about you.'
'Oh dear,' Patsy smirked, 'given how I've been in the past, maybe we ishould/i start over.'
'Water under bridges, Pats. I meant it,' Delia smiled as she shook Patsy's hand, and Patsy couldn't help but do the same.
Delia turned Patsy's hand over in hers and got a good look at her fingers.
'Pats! Your fingers are blood red!' Delia cried, the look on her face immediately turning to one of concern.
'Ah, well…' Patsy released Delia's hand and looked down at her fingers, her hands cupping the small mug in her lap for warmth, 'I didn't bring any gloves with me,' she shrugged.
'You're likely to get frostbite! Can you even feel them?'
Patsy bent her fingers, and they stung, 'Well, I can feel them a little.'
'No,' Delia waived her hands before grabbing the mug from Patsy, 'we're going inside now,' she situated the thermos and grabbed the package of biscuits, 'it's just about time for supper anyway and you need to warm up,' she paused before she exited the igloo to look at Patsy, 'when was the last time to had a bath?'
Patsys eyes widened, realizing for the first time that she hadn't showered since the previous morning before their trip.
'Suppose I'm due for one,' she admitted, thinking back on all the physical labor she had done since the last time she bathed.
'I'm making you a bath and more hot tea,' Delia said with a finality in her tone that held no reservations for protest.
Patsy watched as the smaller woman wiggled out of the igloo, thinking to herself how cute Delia's hips and thighs looked in her tight trousers.
Patsy closed her eyes and shook her head to rid herself of those thoughts. Maybe when they returned to the clinic she should insist Delia remain in those baggy scrubs after all.
'Out with you, now,' Patsy heard Delia say from the other side.
Patsy took a deep breath and crawled out of the igloo the same way she had come in, leaving head first and on her stomach. Much to her consternation, she found herself stuck at her hips again, swearing under her breath that life wasn't fair.
With a laugh, Delia sat on her bum and hitched her arms under Patsy's, practically hugging her again, this time both women facing each other. Patsy held on tight as she felt Delia use her legs to hoist her out of the small entrance of the igloo.
Delia couldn't control her giggles as she landed on her back with Patsy on top of her, 'Is this what delivering babies is like?'
Red faced and mortified at their position, Patsy forced a smirk as she scrambled to her feet, reaching down to help Delia stand, 'Honestly… sometimes.'
hr
Patsy showered under a stream of much too hot water, liking the way it pleasantly stung her fingers and toes and brought feeling back into every nerve ending that had been chilled from the cold outside. She did a thorough job of washing her hair, scrubbing her body, and trying to relax as the hot water pounded against her back, relieving her sore muscles of their ache after an honest days work.
She stepped out after several moments, wrapping herself in a towel that she had washed the day before, surprised and honestly quite touched to find a steaming cup of tea on the sink waiting for her. Delia must have snuck it in while she was scrubbing off.
Patsy took a moment to take a sip of the Yorkshire tea, still rather confounded and feeling undeserving of all the fuss Delia was making over her. The woman was practically reversing the roles from the night before, insisting Patsy take it easy while she let her bathe and prepared a good hearty dinner.
Taking a moment to dig through her rucksack, Patsy pulled out a clean pair of knickers as slipped them on, placing her towel back on the hook. She swiped the mirror with her hand so she could only see the reflection of her face, the way she preferred as she disliked looking at the rest of her body.
Figuring Delia was busy preparing dinner in the kitchen, Patsy deemed it safe to open the door a crack to release some of the steam that was trapped in the small bathroom. She quietly opened the door and turned back to the mirror, digging through her bag once more for her bathroom things, her brush, her lotion, deodorant and the like.
Patsy ran her comb through her hair until it was all smooth, deciding to sip her tea before she moved on with her after-shower routine. She took a deep breath of air. While she still wasn't particularly comfortable with Delia making her dinner… or doing anything nice for her, Patsy did have to admit to herself that Delia had the entire cabin smelling wonderfully.
Patsy put the tea back down on the sink, the mug clinking against the granite when another noise caught her attention, the squeak from the hinge on the door.
'Pats, I was wondering if-,'
It all happened in an instant. Seemed like a split second, anyway.
Patsys eyes shot up and she saw Delias face in the mirror, the smaller woman's eyes wide and mouth opened in a gasp at the sight of Patsy's naked back. Before Patsy could think, her body reacted. She brought her arm up to cover her chest before turning and slamming the door in Delia's face, leaving the woman shocked and stuttering on the other side.
'I-I'm sorry Patsy…' Delia said feebly, 'the door was open so I thought. I… I'll just, um…,' Patsy could hear Delia take a step back, 'Sorry,' she said again, 'I'm sorry…'
Delia finally stopped talking, and Patsy could hear her padded footsteps take off down the hall, disappearing.
Patsy clenched her teeth, doing her best to remain completely silent until she was sure Delia was gone, back to the kitchen or wherever she had run off to.
Heart pounding frantically in her chest, Patsy screwed her eyes shut, bringing her hands to her face as she breathed, practically gulping down huge breaths of air to keep from panicking.
Delia had just seen something no one else had for a long, long time. She had seen something Patsy couldn't even bare to look at herself for years because of the painful memories, because of all the pent up resentment she harbored towards herself and towards the person who put them there. Her scars. The marks on her body that were a constant reminder of the man that terrorized her and her mother.
Patsy slowly removed her hands from her face, instead placing them flat against the door as she also rested her forehead against the hard wood. Eyes still closed, Patsy concentrated on slowing her breathing, even if it was shaky. Patsy listened closely for any sign of Delia and heard nothing until there was a shuffling from the other side of the door, and then a heavy opening and closing of what sounded like the front door to the house. It sounded as if Delia had just gone outside.
If she did, Patsy didn't blame her. The marks on her back always shocked anyone who had seen them. She hated that Delia had stumbled upon them. She hated that Delia probably felt sorry for her.
Patsy feared though, that it wasn't the tiny nicks and cuts across her hips and thighs from a belt buckle that made Delia run, not the bite marks in her arms that Delia would figure she put there herself, but the large burn mark in the middle of her back that was in the shape of a clothing iron.
hr
Patsy shut the front door behind her, zipping up her coat and shoving her hands in her pockets as she turned and looked out onto the snowy fields that lay before her.
She hadn't heard another sound in the house other than their dinner gently simmering on the stove as she dressed again, preparing herself to go out in search of Delia.
Patsy let out a long sigh as she put her hood up over her still wet hair, her breath coming out in one long puff of white air that disappeared into the dark evening. She took a few steps to the edge of the porch, her boots landing heavily with each step, the wood creaking underneath, alerting anyone nearby of her presence.
Patsy looked out into the evening sky, the stars and planets coming through quite clear out here without the lights of the city that Patsy was accustomed to. She actually thought they looked quite pretty sparkling against the purplish sky, but she turned her gaze back down and sat on the front step of the porch, settling in before reaching into her pocket and pulling out her pack of cigarettes. She pulled one out with her teeth and lit it, the smoke rising above her head as she inhaled. It burned her throat in a pleasant way and she could feel herself relax slightly, feel the anxiety that had built up within her chest dissipate.
Patsy pursed her mouth into that 'O' shape in which she was accustomed as she let out a long line of smoke into the air, her gaze turning towards the igloo Delia had made earlier. She took a moment to eye the dark entrance and could see the toes of Delia's boots inside. Patsy could only presume the younger woman was hiding from her, clutching her knees to her chest.
The redhead sighed, bringing the cigarette to her lips once more and sucking down a long drag of smoke before she scrounged up the gumption to address the woman.
'Delia?' Patsy said.
Patsy watched, only able to see the boots in the makeshift igloo wiggle slightly as Delia seemed to hold herself tighter.
'Delia, it's alright. You can come out of there and talk to me,' Patsy said softly as she took another drag.
Patsy watched as she heard Delia shuffle slightly, then slowly the brunette emerged from the igloo and stood. She was unable to meet Patsy's eyes and shifted from one foot to the other, unsure of what to do with herself.
Patsy sighed and patted the spot next to her on the porch, 'Come here and look at the stars with me,' she said, and hugged her own knees to her chest.
Delia sat down beside her on the wooden steps of the porch and the two women sat in silence for several moments, Patsy taking several drags of her cigarette during this time, not quite sure what to do or say in a moment like this.
'They're quite pretty, don't you think?' Patsy asked, nudging Delia's shoulder with her own in a friendly manner. The brunette simply nodded, pointedly looking at her shoes, and not at the sky.
Patsy sighed, taking one last drag of her cigarette before snubbing it out in the wet snow near her feet. She ran her fingers through her hair as she exhaled a long line of smoke.
'Delia,' she said softly, 'tell me what you're thinking.'
Delia sighed, her breath coming out in one long stream of white smoke from the cold. She finally looked up at the stars for a moment before she quietly addressed Patsy.
'Will you tell me about them?' Delia finally said, 'Your scars?
Patsy took a deep breath and raked her fingers through her hair once again. She was expecting this was going to be the topic of their conversation but she was never prepared for the bundle of nerves that settled heavy in her stomach whenever she did talk about it out loud with others.
'Not too much to say,' she began slowly, thinking of how she wanted to articulate this, 'it's about as awful as you can imagine though,' she paused to pick at a loose thread on the hem of her jeans, 'my father would flog me. Started about when I was six or seven years old. Used to be just his hand but when I got a bit older and unruly he would use his belt. The scars are from when he would hit me with the buckle.'
Patsy paused for a moment to pull out another cigarette, and she tried to ignore Delia watching her light the thing with shaky hands. She took a long drag before continuing.
'Before all that it was my mother who took the brunt of the beatings. She was older than my father, stayed with him because thought she couldn't do any better than him. I remember them being very much in love when things were good, and on the outside everything seemed perfect, but now I realize that he was so jealous. So insecure and controlling,' she took another drag of her cigarette and exhaled, 'and he had some kind of hold on her that I will never understand. Enough to have her look the other way when he beat her children…' Patsy ashed her cigarette and tried to look out at the sky, the stillness of the night keeping her calm. Keeping her from crying.
'She let this go on for years, him flogging my sister and I. For the smallest infractions too. Talking too loud when he was watching television. Not sitting like a lady. Getting anything less than top marks in school…' Patsy pulled one last drag of smoke before snuffing out her cigarette in the snow and letting out a long line of smoke from her mouth, 'I remember my sister and I were playing in the lounge. Probably kicking a football around where we shouldn't. Knocked the good brandy off the shelf and it spilled everywhere. Father heard the commotion and caught me, decided to drag me by the hair to where my mum was ironing his shirts. I just remember a lot of screaming, and then he forced her to lay the hot iron down on my back, burning me, scalding me. Said something about her needing to learn how to properly discipline us and me needing to remember what happens when children don't do what they're told. I was 11 when this happened-,'
'Stop,' Delia said, and Patsy looked over to see the woman next to her, her mittened hands pressed against her ears as she furrowed her brows, her eyes squeezed shut.
'That was a the last time anyone laid their hands on me,' Patsy said, ignoring Delia's strife, 'though the rest of the story isn't so happy either.'
Patsy listened as Delia took several deep breaths, and she finally opened her eyes, her gaze downward as she removed her hands from her ears and quietly spoke.
'What happened?' she asked.
Patsy sighed, and continued, 'Mum was… mortified at what she had done. Hated herself for letting him make her do that. She had me stay home from school that day and she took care of me. Cleaning the burn, apologizing profusely and crying,' Patsy brought her hand to her head and closed her eyes, 'there was so much crying. When my sister came home from school, she packed up our things and took us to our Grans. Said she was finally going to leave him.'
'Did she?' Delia asked softly.
Patsy merely closed her eyes and let out a sigh, 'He came home to an empty house and realized what had happened. He called my mum and begged her to come and just talk with him. Just talk. She went back to the house alone while we stayed with our gran. He, um…' Patsy looked down, her heart beating frantically as this was the first part of the story where she faltered. She hadn't said any of this out loud in several years and it was starting to affect her, 'My Gran got a visit that night from the police when my sister and I were asleep. Turned out that my father lured her home. He…,'
Patsy looked away, knowing full well that this part of the story always made her want to cry, and she fought off the urge as her eye gave that twitch that she despised so much. She gave into it, hoping Delia didn't notice as she said out loud this last difficult part, 'he shot her. He killed her and then he killed himself. A neighbor heard gunshots, and that's how were found.'
Patsy took several deep breaths and regained control of her twitching, holding her hand over her eye to cover it just in case she needed to give into it again as she turned back towards Delia.
'Afterwards, well… Gran loved us, but she wasn't interested in raising children again. Our lives were nothing but boarding schools and etiquette classes so we were away from family most of the time,' Patsy went back to nervously picking at the loose strand in her jeans again.
'Oh, Patsy,' Delia breathed, 'That's so… I'm so, so sorry.'
Patsy merely shrugged, her gaze to the ground as she couldn't bare to look Delia in the eye, 'It's… you don't need to say sorry. I just… wanted to tell you the truth about them. About how I got the scars.'
'But… your arms?' Delia asked shyly, 'they look… they look… recent.'
'I…,' Patsy faltered, sighing as she decided to just spit it out, 'those are from me. I don't know when it started, but I think… I was stressed out once and it just happened. Must have felt like a caged animal that needed to chew off its own foot off to escape, so I just bit myself and… and it made me feel better. It still does, when I'm really stressed out. The pain sort of releases all the tension in my body and helps me calm down,' Patsy looked down shyly before continuing, 'I know it's bad. I know it's weird and not healthy but it's just what works best for me. It's the only thing in my life other than nursing I've felt like I've ever had a choice in…'
'How do you mean?'
Patsy felt herself growing angry again. Frustrated. This conversion was bringing up all the shitty things from her past that she just wanted to forget about and move on from.
She sighed, her brows furrowing as she forced herself to say the rest out loud, 'Well, if it wasn't enough that I was beaten and scarred and had no parents, it seemed like the world didn't want me to have love either,' Patsy frowned recalling the memory, 'When I was in school I got a little too friendly with another classmate and we were caught. Her parents transferred her someplace else and I got to spend my summer at some Christian conversion camp, inundated with biblical brainwashing to make me into the straight little housewife god wanted me to be,' Patsy shrugged, 'Didn't work. All it did was add another thing to the list of things that made me want to hate everyone. Especially myself for something that was completely out of my control.'
Patsy sighed again and hugged her knees to her chest, 'Delia, I don't know. My whole life I've been made to feel that everything about me is wrong. My existence is wrong. I hate everything about myself. I hate my body. I hate that I'm a woman. I hate that I'm gay. I'm always angry, always feel like there's some kind of storm going on in my chest and the only thing that calms it down is hurting myself because… because I just… don't care what happens to me. I'm ugly and disgusting and what's another scar, hmm?' Patsy spat bitterly, 'At least I can make them myself now. On my own terms, how and when I want them.'
A mittened hand came into view and rested on Patsy's arm. Patsy looked over to see Delia, red faced and silently crying, her eyes shimmering that crystal blue that Patsy thought looked so beautiful, but she immediately hated herself for making the woman cry for the second time in as many days.
'Patsy, you're not…' Delia started, sniffling, 'you're not ugly. You're not disgusting. You… you're a good person. You help people… you… you bring new life into this world and make families happy…'
Patsy sighed, 'Delia it's alright. I don't want you to feel sorry for me… you don't need to say nice things about me,' Patsy turned away from Delia, wanting to add that she out of everyone shouldn't say nice things about her. She deserved nothing of the sort from Delia at all.
'I…. I shouldn't have hit you,' Delia said, her hands coming to her face to cover her eyes, and Patsy watched as Delia's mouth contorted into a scowl, her teeth clenching to prevent a sob, 'I shouldn't have hit you…'
'Hit me?'
'Yesterday. I sh-shoved you and hit you. I'm s-sorry,' Delia sniffed, harshly wiping away her tears with the back of her hands, 'Patsy I'm so sorry.'
Patsy turned to face Delia, taking her hands and holding them in hers, 'Delia, you did nothing wrong...,' she said, dipping her head slightly to meet Delia's eyes, 'I swear, you did nothing wrong,' she repeated, hoping Delia would take it to heart.
'Still… it makes me no better than him…,' Delia said, whimpering slightly.
Patsy sighed, 'It… there's a difference, Delia. I'm not… I'm not threatened by you. I know you're not trying to really hurt me… and anyway I told you to do it. You had my permission.'
'I won't do it again,' Delia said, closing her eyes and shaking her head, her fat tears rolling down her chin once more.
Patsy brought her hand to Delia's cheek and wiped a tear off with her thumb.
'That's perfectly fine, Delia. Just don't think you did anything wrong. I won't have it,' she finished with a smirk, hoping the comment would cheer her up a little.
Delia merely sniffed and grasped Patsys hand between hers.
'Your hands are cold,' she said quietly, her tears subsiding.
Patsy sighed, forcing a smile, 'Why don't we go inside then, hmm?' she said softly 'We can have a bit of that wonderful supper you've made and talk about happy things?'
Delia looked back up at her with eyes that made Patsy's heart melt.
'Like what?' she asked, her voice cracking as she sniffed and wiped the last of her tears from her face.
Patsy gave into her urge to tuck Delia's fringe behind her ear, the feeling to comfort the crying girl overwhelming her, 'I want to hear all about Pembrokeshire, and your family,' she said, 'I feel like I've gone on too much about mine for the evening,' she said with a smirk, and Delia simply bit her lip and nodded.
Patsy stood and helped Delia to her feet, and the two walked back into the warm cabin together.
The following hour passed quietly, the two women sitting at the small kitchen table while they sipped on the pork shoulder stew that Delia had managed to whip up using the sparse ingredients she found around the kitchen that afternoon. Patsy found that it was one of the best meals she had ever had. It was hearty and warm and the meal was only made a more magical and loving experience because she was sharing it with Delia. The brunette was initially hesitant to share anything about herself after hearing of Patsy's sad tales, but Patsy gently encouraged her to speak. She found it easy, after all, because for the first time in a long time she genuinely wanted to get to know someone. Once Patsy got Delia talking, the smaller woman didn't stop. She spent the whole meal going on about her life back home in Wales, her brothers and her parents, her desire to become a nurse and her plans to travel all over the world someday. She had Patsy laughing, telling stories of all the trouble she would get in at school like getting caught smoking in the toilets or spilling paint all over a boy who wouldn't leave her alone. Before she knew it, Patsy had had two servings of the delicious stew and for the first time in a long while she felt full, content, and just all around happy. It was made all the more delightful because Delia was there with her, showing off those dimples again that Patsy was growing more fond of by the second.
When the two were completely stuffed, Patsy collected their bowls and began washing the dishes. She felt there was no reason to hide her arms anymore so she rolled up her sleeves and began filling the sink with warm water and soap. She was putting away the leftovers in another container when she felt Delia's presence close to her. Patsy placed her hands on the edge of the sink as she felt Delia gingerly run her fingers over her forearms, lightly grazing her bitemarks with a sigh.
'Pats,' she said softly, 'why don't I finish up here,' she looked up shyly at Patsy, ' You go on and get ready for bed and… and then wait for me in the bedroom.'
Patsy blinked and raised an eyebrow at her, willing her expression to remain stoic, but there was no controlling the hot blush that spread out across her cheeks to the tips of her ears.
Delia handed Patsy a flannel so she could dry her hands, and Patsy moved out of the way so that Delia could take her place at the sink. The brunette began scrubbing dishes, and Patsy collected herself enough to dry her hands, and head towards the bathroom. Her things were still in there from when she bathed, so she continued her bedtime routine and changed into a top and tracksuit bottoms. When she was done, she placed her rucksack back into the lounge, and headed to the bedroom, waiting for Delia as instructed. She could hear her moving around in the kitchen, pots and pans clanging noisily as she hung them back up on their hooks above the stove.
Patsy felt nervous, not knowing what it was that Delia had in mind, or why she asked for her to wait in the ibedroom/i. Patsy didn't want to make assumptions, but the way she had said it left her imagination running wild. Unsure of what to do and not wanting to intrude on what she now thought of as Delia's ispace/i, Patsy remained standing at the side of the bed, her hands in her pockets as she paced slightly, waiting for Delia to come in.
After several minutes, Delia came into the room and shut the door behind her, dressed in the pyjamas she had worn the night before, her hair braided and draped over her shoulder. She smiled at Patsy, who looked to her expectantly.
'Come here,' Delia said, patting a spot at the edge of the bed.
Patsy silently did as instructed, sitting on the edge of the soft bed and waited for any further instructions.
'I was around 16 when my grandmother died,' Delia started as she rifled through her duffel bag that was sitting on the chest of drawers, 'She had dementia, and had been placed in a nursing home for care. My mother made sure my brothers and I visited with her every Sunday, and, even though she was never able to remember us, my mother stressed that she was able to remember how she ifelt/i when she saw us last,' Delia said as she finally found what she was looking for and extracted a small bottle of lotion from her bag, 'It was very important to her that we made our grandmother feel happy whenever we saw her, even though she didn't know who we were anymore,' Delia continued as she sat down next to Patsy on the bed, 'My brothers would read stories to her or tell her jokes that made her laugh, and as for me,' Delia took a dollop of lotion on her fingers and held it up to Patsy, 'does this smell good to you?'
Patsy leaned forward and breathed in the scent of the lavender lotion, and she silently nodded.
'Good,' Delia smiled and kneeled down on the floor in front of Patsy, the redhead looking at her with wide eyes as Delia took her left foot and cradled it in her hands, 'when I was with my grandmother, I would wash her feet and rub her skin with lotion just like this,' she said softly, her hands working the lotion into Patsy's foot with a gentle pressure, 'The point of me doing this was for me to leave her feeling relaxed and cared for, so when she saw me next, she would have that same feeling again. She may have not remembered my face but she knew that I was someone who cared for her.'
Patsy sat in a shocked silence as Delia fingers firmly worked the lotion into the ball and heel of her foot with her thumb and fingers, gently pulling on all her toes before she moved on to her right foot and repeated these actions. Patsys hands clutched the sheets as her heart pounded in her chest, her pulse thumped in her ears, finding herself completely confounded and unworthy of such special attention.
Her heart only thumped harder when Delia finally looked back up at her with a kind smile.
'How are you feeling?' Delia asked softly.
'I'm absolutely riddled with anxiety, thanks,' Patsy said, completely honest.
'I know you're not used to being touched,' Delia said sadly with a sigh, standing and squeezing out another dollop of lotion onto her palm, 'you're not used to being hugged. You've been hurt in the past and you hurt yourself now…' Delia trailed off with sad eyes as she gently grasped Patsy's arm and ran her thumbs over her self made bitemarks, 'Being touched like this must feel so foreign to you, yeah?'
Patsy could only nodd, tucking her bottom lip into her mouth, unable to meet Delia's eyes.
Delia continued to rub the lotion into Patsy's arms, working her way down to her hands and fingers as she spoke, 'Does it feel good?'
Patsy took a deep breath, and silently nodded again, feeling a blush spread across her cheeks. She still felt overwhelmingly uncomfortable at the special attention she was receiving as Delia firmly worked the lotion into her palms and gently pulled on each and every one of her fingers before moving onto her right arm.
'Good. I want this to feel good because I want you to start associating being touched with being cared for,' Delia said softly, 'I've lived a life that has been… severely wanting, at times, but the one thing I had that always kept me going was the love and support of my family. Someone to hold me and comfort me when times were tough.'
Patsy watched as Delia firmly rubbed the lotion into her right palm with her thumb, still wracked with nerves.
'Delia, I just…' Patsy trailed off, not knowing how to say what she wanted to say.
'You don't have to speak,' Delia interjected softly.
'I don't deserve this,' Patsy spat out, 'I've done nothing to deserve this kindness…'
Delia placed a gentle hand on Patsy's cheek to silence her, 'Patsy don't ever think you're undeserving of any kindness. Especially from me,' Delia softly grazed her thumb over Patsys cheek and Patsy couldn't resist the urge to lean into her soft hand, 'I'm doing this because I want to… and I don't expect anything in return, at all. Alright?'
Patsy simply looked at her.
Delia sighed before continuing, 'Pats… knowing what I know now, when I look at you… I don't see the woman I see when we first met, but I do see a woman who has suffered, and who is still in a lot of pain. When I look at you I want to be kind to you, because, like you, my instinct is to nurture those who are suffering. To care for them,' Delia took Patsy's hand in hers in a comforting manner, looking her in the eye before continuing, 'How do you feel?'
Patsy could only smirk, relaxed slightly but still a bundle of nerves, 'I… I'm relaxed, but… I still feel so anxious…'
Delia patted her hand and smiled warmly, 'It'll start to feel more natural in time,' she winked before placing Patsy's hand down on her knee, 'Thank you for letting me do that, Pats.'
Patsy blinked, not much feeling like she was the one who ought to be thanked, but before she could say anything, Delia walked past her and pulled back the covers.
'Come on then, let's tuck in.'
'Um,' Patsy started, her eyes wide as Delia merely shook her head at her hesitancy.
'No, none of that now, you're sleeping here tonight. End of discussion,' Delia said, patting the bed.
Patsy worked to push down her nerves and climbed into bed, Delia tucking her in before walking to the other side and laying down under the covers next to Patsy.
'Come here,' Delia said, ushering Patsy to rest her head in the crook of her shoulder.
Patsy did as instructed, but remained tense for several moments, not at all accustomed to being held like this. She took several deep breaths in an effort to relax in the woman's arms as she felt Delia gently run her fingers through her hair. The sensation was so intimate and intense and after having an evening of being cared for so thoroughly like this in what was probably the first time since she was a child, Patsy couldn't help but finally relieve herself of that stress and tension in the form of the few tears that escaped and ran down her cheeks. She was thankful that Delia remained silent as she cried, continuing her soft touches as Patsy realized this was the first time in a long time that she finally felt herself become relaxed and calm without hurting herself.