X
I sit and watch your flowers wilting in the kitchen
I felt like I was one of them gasping for air
- Better Than Ezra
X
There was a strange shift in Brittany after that night. Small but sudden. For the next few days that shift seemed to come and quietly suffocate them, not that Brittany would admit it, she still insisted everything was perfectly fine, perfectly normal, but Santana could see it.
Or rather she could feel it. The sadness just underneath the surface.
Brittany still said 'I love you' every morning and every night, she still squeezed back when Santana went to touch and hug her, she still teased Santana about her love of lemon squares. She looked like Brittany and sounded like Brittany but there was a hint of sorrow there too in her tone and in her eye. Each time Santana brought it up Brittany just waved her concern off. 'I'm just tired, I'm just sleepy, I just miss Lord Tubbington, I just had a dream that they finally cancelled One Tree Hill.' But Santana could tell that whatever was bothering Brittany wasn't quite that simple.
There was just a little less shine in her eyes, a little less hop in her step, a little less crazy in her kiss but the one thing that made it so glaringly obvious there was something wrong, the one that that actually truly worried Santana was the fact that after Snix Night Brittany seemed to lose the dance in her.
Instead of begging Santana to go out and hit the dance floor and stand under the rain of glitter and confetti with her, Brittany had seemed to lose that spark, that energy that had always been, at least to Santana, so uniquely Brittany.
She didn't know what was wrong or how to fix it and she didn't understand why her girlfriend was keeping whatever it was away from her. It didn't make sense but she knew that after all the times Brittany had been loyal and patient with her it was time that she step up and do the same, to see Brittany to the other side of it. Whatever it was…
That's why she was currently out and about in search of Brittany's favorite brand of gummy worms. They been staying in for the last few evenings, filling their time with music, movies and cuddles and - despite the weird funk Brittany was in - some occasional nakedness together (thank god that hadn't been affected, Santana thought). But Brittany had finished the last of her candy stash the previous night and so Santana thought before they settled in for the night she might surprise her girlfriend and maybe even cheer her up with a new bag of gummies.
Her search around Liberty Avenue had eventually led her to the Big Q (she had to wonder who had been the genius to name the place) where she loaded her handheld basket with a half dozen small bags of worms, which she then plonked down into the mile long conveyor belt so she could take her place in line and be checked out. It was during said wait that her phone began to ring. She grumbled as she pulled it out of her back jean pocket. Why did she wear such tight clothing?
''Yo Lopez,'' Brian said to her in greeting. ''I wanted to talk to you real quick, one ten to another.''
''I'm an eleven but continue,'' Santana quipped and slumped against a display of sodas as she continued to stand at the back of the line.
''Yeah fucking right,'' he made a unimpressed noise into her ear. ''But listen I wanted to make sure you and Brittany were going to be at the next karaoke night.''
''Probably….Maybe,'' she amended. ''I'm not exactly sure. Britt's been kind of wiggy these last couple of days. She hasn't been too keen on doing much of anything. She's just been...I don't know...'' Santana frowned. ''Acting a little off lately. Ever since Snix Night she's just been acting a little more funny than usual.''
''Huh.''
''Did you or Justin notice anything?''
''She was acting a little distant with me at the bar before you guys left but she didn't say what it was,'' Brian answered seriously, and then he let out a wicked snicker. ''But you know, maybeeeee you're making something out of nothing. Maybe she's fine. Maybe she's just not herself because her girlfriend hasn't been satisfying her.''
''Fuck you I satisfy her plenty,'' she shot back through laughter. ''I satisfied her this morning for your information. Twice actually. Once on the coffee table and once in your computer chair.''
''Is there an inch of my loft you two haven't violated?''
''Against the fridge. We haven't done it there. I mean we tried but she had me up against it and my ass kept turning on the icemaker, long story short ice cubes bouncing off your naked ass - not a good feeling.''
''Please stop talking.''
''Hey you're the one who asked me. I am serious though...'' all mirth and amusement drained from her voice as she further explained. ''Britt and I tell each other everything but she's not been herself lately. I mean she is but she isn't. Like Mel and Linds invited us over for dinner the other night.''
''Ah hell, how was it?'' Brian sounded comically concerned for her. ''Did they make you eat any of that gross vegan shit they like?''
''They did and it sucked and not in the positive life affirming way, but still, Brittany who loves their whole suburban set up totally just sat there and played with her food the entire time. She barely cracked a smile. She didn't even force me to stick around and play with the kids. And yesterday when she and Emmett were supposed to do an episode of Fondue for Two she cancelled on him and spent her afternoon in her pajamas alternating from eating gummy worms to gummy bears and back again until she poured them all out on the dining table and reconstructed some kind of epic gummy bear-gummy worm battle before eating them all, which while totally adorable, was slightly alarming. Oh! And she won't even touch the STI I gave her either.''
''You fucking gave her an STI?!''
She grunted. ''A plushie microbe in the shape of an STI. It's furry and pink, it's a stupid toy and she fell in love with it when I gave it to her and likes to keep it on the side table by her side of the bed. She hasn't played with it in like days. Britt's just...not herself.''
''Look I'm going to be honest here I'm the last person you should be asking for advice seeing as how Justin is the only relationship I've ever had.''
''Are you serious?''
''He's the only boyfriend I've ever had.''
''Lame.''
''Says the girl who's only had one girlfriend.''
''Whatever, and also who the hell said I was asking for advice, I was just unloading. Anyway,'' she carried on with a frustrated sigh and when the customers in front of her began moving, she scooted up one step closer to the checkout. ''I'll see if she's up for karaoke night but she may just want to stay in and if she does I don't really want to leave her alone when she's in this weird funk. But what's the deal, why does it matter to you if we show for karaoke or not?''
''Because I was thinking it was time I stopped pussyfooting around-''
''Wanky.''
''And do what I said I was gonna do. Sing. For Justin,'' Brian admitted, sounding slightly embarrassed on the other end of the line. ''I've been practicing on my own like you told me to and I want to do this now. Kind of wanted your annoying ass there for moral support.''
''I'm touched.''
''What the fuck ever,'' he said, trying to play it all down, like it was of no great importance to him at all, but she could hear right through him. The shit.
''In that case I can't promise Britt will be there but if you're planning to finally do this I think I'll definitely try to pop in for a few minutes. Ya know, to support my mentee,'' she teased.
''You are not my mentor,'' he groused.
''Shut your mouth you know I am. And by the way speaking as your mentor if you suck I have free reign to heckle.''
''I wouldn't have it any other way Lopez.''
She knew how terrifying this was for him so in a more serious tone she added, ''...you can do this though. I know I gave you shit about not having the guts that other night-''
''-which I kinda deserved.''
''But you can and you will. You're Brian Kinney for fuck's sake.''
''I'll see you then.''
''See ya then.''
Santana ended the call and looked down at her phone. Her lips quirked up into a sort of smile.
It was about fucking time that guy found his balls and got on stage for Justin.
Eventually after what felt like a hundred million years she paid for her purchase and went on her way with a small folded up brown paper bag filled with her items tucked under her arm. She was only a couple of blocks away from the loft when she turned a corner and had the most brilliant idea on how to get her girlfriend to smile her perfect smile again. Even better than the gummy worms.
She stood before a corner street vendor examining crates full to the brim with flowers. There were several different kinds and several different colors and a bit overwhelmed with so many to choose from she half considered walking away empty handed but soon shook that idea off. You're not a coward Lopez, she thought inwardly. Do this for her.
''Looking for anything specific?'' the older bespectacled street vendor asked when he noticed her.
''I'm not exactly sure,'' she said and bit down on her lip. ''I was looking for something for someone.''
''Ahh!'' the friendly salesman said with glee. ''Well there's no better way to say something than with a bouquet. Why don't you tell me what you want to say and I'll help you find just the right flowers. Let me guess, are these for your mother?''
She shook her head.
''Hmmm, some kind of congrats flowers?'' he took another guess.
''Nope.''
His cheerful expression dimmed as he whispered sorrowfully, ''Oh, I hope they're not sorry for your loss flowers?''
''Actually I was looking more along the lines of 'I'm deeply, madly inexplicably in love with you' flowers,'' she said somewhat nervously, still feeling slightly out of her element with romance. ''For my girlfriend.''
''Well then! Look no further,'' he chirped and waved her over to a certain selection. He pulled a bundle of tulips out and placed it in front of her face, offering her a closer examination. ''How do you feel about these?''
''Pretty...but not Brittany.''
He nodded and placed the bouquet back in its crate. ''That's her name? Brittany?''
''Yeah.'' She reached out to gently touch a petal and run the pad of her fingertip over it.
''Tell me about her,'' he urged gently.
''She's funny and adorable and smart and….her smile is like...like there are no words to describe how precious it is. It's the most perfect smile I have ever seen. If you saw it...if you saw it you'd get it. God, you'd so get it. She's the most beautiful, innocent thing in this entire world.''
The vendor smiled at her, taking in her words as he began walking about his own selection.
''You seem like a real romantic,'' he said kindly.
''I'm trying to be...I want to be...for her.''
He then began showing her around his flowers and explaining what each one signified, which colors represent certain emotions. He pulled several bouquets out and allowed her to study them, getting to glimpse their ephemeral beauty up close. She wondered how some seemed wild while others seemed so fragile and delicate. They were all beautiful and they all reminded her of Brittany in some way yet in the end it was the roses that she kept going back to.
It was around the fifth time that she looked over them that he pulled a bundle out and handed it to her. ''Those are nice.''
''You don't think they're too cliche?''
''Not so much cliche...I like to think classic. You can't go wrong with roses. Nothing is as ridiculously romantic as roses.''
She took a deep breath and told him to wrap them up for her and that was how she ended up walking into the loft with a dozen red roses in her slightly sweaty nervous hand.
''Honey, I'm home,'' she said and slid the huge door shut behind her as she entered the loft and quickly turned to use one hand to hide the roses behind her back.
Brittany stood nearby in the kitchen wiping her hands clean with a small dish towel. ''Heyyyy, I was beginning to wonder where you were.''
''I popped out for a walk and,'' Santana hummed and produced the folded paper filled with treats to her, ''got you a little something.''
Brittany took the bag and calmly opened it and Santana smiled when she practically stuck her entire face into the opening to peek inside.
''Worms,'' Brittany said when she pulled her face back out, looking touched.
''Worms,'' Santana repeated.
''You do know the way to a girl's heart.''
''I also got you something else...''
When she pulled them out from behind her, Brittany's mouth fell open and she blinked rapidly at the sight of the bouquet in this sort of quiet astonishment. Santana booped her nose with them.
''What are these?'' she laughed.
''For you. Just because. I wanted to do something special for my girlfriend.''
Brittany grinned down at the flowers. ''Oh my god, Santana. Why did-how did-they're beautiful!''
''Do you like them?'' Santana beamed as Brittany accepted the bouquet and gave them a cute little sniff.
''I love them...I love you.'' Brittany let out a shaky breath and pulled her in for a hug.
Pleased with her reaction Santana wrapped her arms around her waist and picked her up for a few seconds. Brittany let out the most adorable little happy squeak and with her arms around Santana's neck she laid a series of silly and sloppy kisses on her lips.
''Thank you.''
''My pleasure.'' Santana planted Brittany's feet back on the floor and couldn't resist giving her a playful squeeze to the ass.
She then got a look around the kitchen and noticed Brittany had been pretty busy herself. The countertops were covered here and there with chopped food ingredients and there was a large food splattered cookbook splayed wide open. It was that wonderful kind of chaos that came with a real honest to goodness home cooked meal.
''Now what is all of this?'' Santana asked, her eyes widening in surprise.
''For you. Just because. I wanted to do something special for my girlfriend,'' Brittany parroted her words and began leading her over to the kitchen island. ''I know I'm not super good with recipes but Justin is so he came by and gave me a hand. By the end though he was just assisting me. I really wanted to surprise you and do it myself.''
Santana took a closer peek. Chicken breast, steamed vegetables, giant green salad, everything looked fresh and delicious.
''This is like grown up food,'' Santana said, blown away by the presentation.
''I just thought we might switch it up tonight. No take out, no greasy diner food you know. Have a nice romantic dinner in, just the two of us.'' Brittany made a nod over to the dining table where silverware and flickering candles were already laid out and perfectly in place.
Santana leaned into her to lay an appreciative kiss against her pale neck. ''I love it.''
''Yeah?''
''Mmmhmmmm,'' Santana said with her lips against her skin. ''This looks incredible. Why don't you go put your flowers in water and your worms in...somewhere and I'll serve us.''
Santana grinned as she watched Brittany toddle off with her flowers in search of a vase to place them in. She hoped the roses put just a little bit of the hop back in Brittany's step.
She turned back to the food and started at it. She pulled out a couples of dishes and began to serve them, she made sure the salad was properly tossed in its bowl, she even found a tall slim elegant carafe and filled it with water. She had gotten everything set and in its place on the dining table when Brittany came out to join her
The blonde placed a clear glass vase in the center of the table. ''They're really beautiful,'' Brittany said, smiling and marvelling at the arrangement before taking a seat.
Santana found her own chair on the opposite side of the table and slide herself in. ''If you ask me this dinner is way more impressive.''
''Yeah I wouldn't say that until you've had a taste. I'm sure I must have screwed something up.''
''Psh.'' Santana shrugged and took a sliver of seasoned potato into her mouth. ''This is amazing.''
''Really?''
''Delicious.''
Brittany bit her lip and beamed a proud looking smile at her and eventually stopped watching Santana happily chew long enough to begin eating off of her own plate of food.
''...So I know we've kinda been hanging low for the past couple of days and don't get me wrong I've been loving the whole staying in all day-getting our cuddle on aspect of it all but I was thinking,'' Santana began several moments later as she took her knife and began cutting her food into nice tidy little pieces. ''Melanie texted me that she was going to this like lesbian bookstore tomorrow because some friend of hers is having a signing or something. I didn't even know lesbian bookstores were a thing but she invited us along. I thought if you were up for it, we could maybe check that out.''
Brittany's nose twitched as she considered it. She was in the process of cutting up her own food to, but she went about it a little less neatly. Her food turned into mountains of mush as she moved things around on her plate. ''That could be interesting but I'm allergic to books. They give me nosebleeds, so.''
Santana nodded. It wasn't the most exciting activity and bookstores, lesbian or otherwise, weren't really her thing (all her literary needs were met by awesomely smutty fanfic) but she frowned when Brittany shot it down. ''Yeah, on second thought that does sound crazy boring but I did also hear something about a bunch of the gang going to meet with some folks at the youth center we raised money for. Like Emmett and Hunter said if we tagged along we could get a little tour, like we can talk to someone who can tell us what they do there and if we wanted they said we could even volunteer for the day-''
''Since when do you volunteer?''
''Since maybe I have something in common with those kids,'' Santana replied, a little hurt by that question.
''Sorry. I mean that sounds great but I don't know...'' Brittany didn't sound particularly enthused.
''It isn't my perfect idea of fun but...I just feel like you've been a little glum or whatever and thought fresh air and getting out might help.''
''I haven't been glum, I just haven't been feeling like going out lately.''
''Which you gotta admit, Britt, is a little strange,'' Santana laughed. She was trying to be careful with her words as she broached the subject. She didn't want to push Brittany but she was tired of being left in the dark. ''You love dancing and you love people and for the past couple of days it's like...you don't care about either. And the people thing, okay, but, Britt...I haven't seen you dance in what feels like ages.''
''It's been like three days.''
''And for you three days is ages. I haven't seen you dance in the shower or on the bed to wake me up-''
''You always whine when I jump and dance on the bed to wake you up.''
''Yeah I whine but I still kinda love it. My point is you haven't been dancing and for you, that's a little strange. It feels...like...you're hiding something from me.''
''Maybe I'm just not in a particularly dancy mood, Santana. What's wrong with that?'' Brittany's shoulders slumped dejectedly.
''Nothing,'' she said softly and with concern. ''I just wish you'd tell me what's bothering you.''
''Who says something's bothering me.'' Brittany let out a harsh, mirthless laugh and then stuffed a tiny piece of tomato into her mouth and chewed with a weird kind of intensity.
''I miss you.''
''I'm right here.''
''But it's not you,'' Santana said firmly, shaking her head. She wasn't going to accept that.
''Can we just eat dinner...instead of this?'' Brittany asked, looking desperate to escape the topic on the table. ''I'm not in a dancy mood and I'm also not in the mood for this conversation.''
''Brittany.''
''Please? Tonight was going really great and everything was so nice and the flowers were so beautiful and...can we just not?''
''Can we not, what? Talk about something that's obviously bothering one of us?''
Brittany made no response.
Santana placed her utensils down calmly so she could put all of her energy and focus on the girl sitting across from her.
''Look after everything that happened junior year we both said that we weren't going to hide our feelings away and I know a lot of that, most of that was about me locking up all of my emotional junk, but it works both ways.''
''It does.''
''The first night we were on Liberty Avenue I had a freak out and I came home to you and you told me that whatever it was, you were there for it. For me. And now yeah, I'm in a way, way better place but if something is wrong or bothering you, whatever it is I don't want you to hide it from me, Brittany. You know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.''
''Why are you making this into a thing?''
''I am not making it into a thing, I'm just asking my girlfriend to let me in.''
The blonde took a deep breath and then went to place both of her hands over her face. Santana wanted nothing more than to go over and wrap her arms around but she also knew that if she was going to get anything out of Brittany she had to stand her ground, challenge her to speak.
Usually it was almost always the other way around, or rather it used to be, Santana thought, with Brittany urging her to share and talk. Being on the other side of it felt so strange. Scary even. She didn't know what to do, and so for several minutes she just waited. Waited for Brittany to pull her hands away from her face.
''Did I ever tell you about how Brian and Justin happened? Like their whole story?''
It wasn't exactly the response Santana was hoping to hear but she was relieved Brittany wasn't clamming up on her.
''No.''
''It always kind of reminded me of ours in a way,'' Brittany started slowly. Her eyes avoided Santana however. Instead her eyes settled on the roses placed on the table between them. ''The story goes: from the very beginning they have always had this kind of intense chemical attraction. I mean according to Justin their sex life is supposed to be like whoa...but there was also something else there. Justin knew it was love but Brian always told him that what they did together in bed didn't mean anything, that it was just sex, that feelings had nothing to do with it.''
''Sounds familiar yes,'' Santana said, attempting to make light, but Brittany didn't crack a smile.
''But at the same time even though he said it meant nothing Brian also could never resist Justin. He always fell back into bed with him. There was just that totally unexplainable pull to each other. Perfect opposites who were perfectly in sync. And for a long time they had this unconventional non-relationship where they slept with other people...and they slept with each other but they had this understanding that they only come back to each other, no one else. You and me...back when...it might not have been exactly the same but...I think...on some level we've been there, done that.''
Santana was well and truly lost. ''I don't get what this is...''
''Me and you we had our own understanding that no we weren't together in the traditional sense but we came back to each other in ways we never went back to any of the randoms we screwed.''
''Brittany.''
''It's how we worked right?''
Santana didn't deny it. They might have carried on that way for awhile but she knew it hadn't been a particularly pleasant, happy stage of their own non-relationship. It hadn't made her happy, all of that denial, all of that hiding. She knew Brittany had gotten tired of their constant on and off too. ''It's how we used to work, yeah. Before.''
''Yeah, before,'' Brittany repeated. ''I think it's kinda fair to say all four of us have done our share of meaningless sport fucking. Or at least that's what it was for Justin. That's what it was for me. For Brian though I think it was something else…''
Santana swallowed and leaned forward. She wasn't following any of this or why it mattered or what it had to do with them, or more importantly how it related to Brittany being in her slumpy funky mood. ''Why are you telling me this?
''Because I think for you...like Brian...it might be something else too.''
''I don't understand what all of this has to do with anything. What do Brian and Justin have to do with us?''
''It's just, you want to know what's bothering me? What's on my mind?''
''Yes.''
''It's this.''
''This as in? What? You're gonna have to spell this out.''
Brittany took a shaky breath and finally looked up and into her eyes. ''I've been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about how Justin and I have always known who we are. We were just built that way for whatever reason. You and Brian are different though...you two have always needed time and patience and that's okay because that's just how you're built. And you can't change what's in someone's DNA.''
Santana was suddenly nervous as hell. It didn't help that she wasn't exactly following any of this.
''See the thing of it is Justin had to pull away and do his own thing and see what dating and real relationships felt like for him to be ready for what he had with Brian. I get that because I was there too. I had to have that thing with Artie for a couple of months to understand dating, to understand relationships, to figure out what I wanted out of one and what I didn't want. And I know that was tough on you but I feel like I walked out of it knowing myself better, knowing what I wanted more.''
''Okay, so...''
''But on the other side of it Brian had to do his own thing too, and his own thing meant he had to sleep with a ton of guys to figure out who he was and what he was made of, to be ready for Justin. And that...that's something you haven't gotten to experience yet.''
Santana was deadpan. ''Brittany, I can assure you I've slept with guys, it never meant anything and I never felt anything so what cou-''
''Exactly, because you're gay. Being with guys would never help you understand yourself...but...''
Santana squinted at Brittany's cryptic-ness. ''But what Brittany? What are you trying to say?''
''But what if other girls could?''
Santana's mouth went suddenly dry. She was only half sure of what that might possibly mean and what Brittany was trying to get at.
''I've been noticing how girls around Liberty Avenue look at you. It's...how guys look at Brian. It's different. Like you're otherworldly. Like you drip sex and I get it, you're the most beautiful person on this entire planet and you do drip sex. Everybody wants you.''
''You said you were okay with that though, with them looking I mean,'' Santana gently reminded her.
''I know. I did. I meant that but then it started happening a lot more and the more it happened the more I wondered, the more I started to think how coming to Liberty Avenue really was the best thing we could have done for ourselves before we march into senior year and I just...Santana...I just want to make sure that the next time we both step into McKinley we have no regrets. I learned a lot about myself junior year, I learned what I wanted and didn't want in a relationship and I also learned how to stand on my own two feet when that relationship ended, but you...''
''I what…?'' Santana asked, her breath coming in short and hot puffs. ''I mean what?'' A tight constricted feeling began to form in her gut.
''I just wonder if this is right. The timing. Me and you right now. Because if there was even a tiny part of you that wanted to see what it felt like-''
''What what felt like?''
''What it felt like for you to be with other girls.''
It was then and there that Santana felt like someone had staked her heart.
She stood up with a jolt. Her whole body began to shake, in tiny vibrating shivers.
She wasn't going to cry, she told herself. More importantly she wasn't going to let Brittany see her cry. Not like this, not now. She flexed her jaw and then, with a sudden need to have something steady her, she turned and took the few steps to stand at the kitchen island. With her back towards Brittany she tried to wrap her head around what was being said. How could Brittany think she would ever want that, how could Brittany think she would ever be capable of that.
''You said we were better than these stupid petty teenage things. You said we were above those things, Brittany,'' she said quietly and slowly. ''That me and you existed on some entire other level of trust.''
''We do.''
''And what, so because some random girls around the neighborhood have started paying me attention you think...you think...'' her voice cracked, in pain at the very idea. ''You think I'd cheat on you?''
''What? No!'' Brittany leapt out of her seat and moved towards her. She placed her hands on her shoulders but Santana was quick to shrug them off of her.
''Then what?!'' Santana turned around and blinked back burning tears.
''Santana, I know you would never ever cheat on me, but...I don't want you to look back and think about the things you missed out on because you came out and jumped right into a relationship with me. You didn't give yourself time to stand on your own two feet. That isn't love, that's sacrifice. And me and you, that's not something we've ever done, not at the expense of ourselves. Not like other people.''
''What other people?''
''Like our friends. Not like Rachel always sacrificing and diminishing herself and her talent because Finn needs an ego boost...or, or, hell, Kurt told me Blaine is constantly singing on top of furniture and in retail stores but when Kurt worked really hard to perform a solo audition for that Dalton glee club Blaine told him to tone it down, to fit in, to stop trying so hard when all Kurt was doing was being himself. Me and you though, we never pull that crap with each other. I don't ever want us to be in one of those relationships where we ask the other to sacrifice or erase a part of ourselves or our growth to make the other happy.''
''What, and you think I'd be happy fucking other girls?'' Santana asked sharply.
''I don't know. That's the point Santana. I don't know...and neither do you because you've never had the choice. You've never allowed yourself the choice! What I do know is I think you're starting to like the attention more than you ever realized you would and maybe that means something.''
''That doesn't mean a goddamn thing.''
''No? What about what happened in the backroom at Babylon?'' Brittany questioned.
''What about it?''
''We were in a room full of other girls hooking up and you...you were excited...you were turned on...you were getting off.''
''We were both getting off.''
''I was getting off on you, but you...I think you were getting off on the room. On the fact that there were girls half naked standing two feet to your left.''
''Is that what you think? God Brittany...I don't even...fuck...I don't even know what to say to that.''
''I'm not angry about it, Santana, I'm just sad about it.''
''Need I remind you that you were the one who wanted to visit that room in the first place when Brian told us about it and if you had a problem with it the night we did end up going back there you should have told me you didn't want to.''
''And I did, I told you when it stopped being fun for me!''
''And then what happened?'' Santana demanded loudly. She felt like Brittany was accusing her of something. ''We stopped and we came back home and we got in bed and I made love to you for fucking hours! Because when we were in that backroom the only one I noticed was you! You, Brittany. Yeah it was different and exciting, but only because I was there with you. Because we were there together! I wasn't getting off on anyone else but you.''
''You're yelling.''
''Yeah I'm yelling. I'm yelling because this is bullshit. Because this is coming out of fucking nowhere!''
''It isn't coming out of nowhere though and that's what I'm trying to explain to you. You know sometimes the best thing you can do for your relationship is wait for the other person to be ready. With Brian and Justin-''
''Who the fuck cares about Brian and Justin?'' Santana shouted through frustrated hollow laughter. ''And I know everyone has made the joke. We look like them, they look like us. We sound like them, they sound like us. But we're not them. And guess what, Brittany, they're not us. I don't know what happened in their relationship, I don't care because it's none of my business. And just because Brian was so lost and insecure that he needed to screw a bunch of guys before he and Justin could do the relationship thing - that doesn't mean I want that. Maybe he and I are cut from the same cloth, maybe we understand each other in ways no one else ever has or ever will, maybe yeah, but we're not the same design and I don't need to go and fuck every girl in sight to figure out what I want. It might have taken him fucking ages to figure out that Justin was the best damn thing to ever happen to him, but frankly Brian's kind of an idiot sometimes. Doesn't mean I am.''
''I know that but you don't see it,'' Brittany pleaded.
''See what?''
''You don't see it from where I'm standing, Santana. How girls look at you...I know you notice it...you say you don't...but you do, I know you do, and you're telling me you've never wondered.''
''I'm telling you I've never wanted to with you.''
''That can't be true.''
''Well it is. Do I like dancing with other girls? Yeah, it's fun. Do I like laughing with other girls? Sure. Seeing them, and having them see me, it's new and it feels good because it reminds me that I'm not alone in all of this like you said, but it doesn't mean I want them.''
''How do you know?''
''I just do.''
''I want you to see all there is to see and explore all there is to explore, even if it's without me for a little while.''
''...you're breaking up with me?'' Santana whispered sadly and she could have sworn everything inside of her body collapsed in that moment.
Is that what this was about? Is that what Brittany wanted?
''I'm not breaking up with you. Santana, I want you for the rest of my life. I always have. I just...I'm just trying to say I'd understand if you wanted a break. I'd accept that.''
''Well thank you for making this fucking decision for me.''
This time she didn't blink back the tears and when she felt them sliding down, wet and hot against her cheeks, Santana made no movement to wipe them away. She didn't have it in her to hide her devastation.
''I'm not making your decision for you I'm just letting you know that it's there, the choice,'' Brittany explained and moved closer yet again. ''It could be six days, it could be six months. I just want you to know I'd give you that time. I'd give that to you.''
''Fuck that.''
''Santana.''
''No, fuck that, Brittany. Fuck that.'' She walked away, needing to put space between their bodies. Her whole being shook with frustration. ''Because you know what? Since we got here, since the night I officially came out I've done everything to be the best girlfriend possible to show you and myself how ready I was. And you know that each time anything ever happened with some other girl throwing herself at me I told you. I always told you because we don't lie to each other. And each time you said it was okay because it didn't mean anything, because you believed in us.''
''I do. I do believe in us.''
''Yeah well from where I'm standing and from what I'm hearing it doesn't sound like it Brittany.''
''Santana, you want to know how much and how hard I believe in us?'' Brittany charged forward, following after her, even as her own tears fell ''I believe in us so much that I know no matter what or who gets in the way or how much time has passed it's always going to be me and you. Would it hurt me? Yes. Would it fucking tear my heart open? YES. But like there's nothing you wouldn't do for me, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. That's why I'm giving you this.''
''Giving me what?''
''An out. I'm giving you the chance to take a break from us to go out on your own, to understand who you are without me.''
''Why?''
''Because it's what you do for your partner. You want them to be the best person they could possibly be. You can only do that when you stand on your own two feet. I know it tore you up having to wait but you gave me that junior year, for me it was just about figuring out how relationships worked, how dating worked, and then how being alone worked. I don't know what it's going to be like for you or what you're going to learn or who you need to learn it from...if that means other girls or not...I just want you to know I'd understand if you wanted a little time.''
Santana didn't know what she was hearing but she did know if she had to hear anymore of it she was going to start throwing things.
After everything, after what they'd learned and all they had said, after laying her heart and her guts and her love on the table if Brittany had even a sliver of a doubt about how serious and how passionate Santana felt about her and them...then she didn't know what.
She had always wanted to believe that what they had was unspoken and untouchable.
''What about 'it was love to me'...'' Santana asked even as her voice trembled. ''Britt...what about...you said…you said 'it was love to me'.
''It is. It will always be love to me. You have to know that. By now you have to know that.''
''Apparently I don't know anything.''
They stood in a heartbreaking silence for several long moments. Santana closed her eyes, and all she could hear was Brittany's quiet barely audible cries and sniffles and she felt a sort of irrational anger at herself. Please don't cry, I hate it when you cry, I'll make it better, she wanted to say. I'll make your tears go away. She felt this intense, desperate itch to reach out and soothe the girl, but she couldn't bring herself to. Not when Brittany had just stood there and told her 'hey, in case you wanted to screw around with random snatch and take a break from us, you have a get out of jail free card!'. Like it was some generous offer, like she would jump for joy at the chance.
The idea that Brittany thought she would even want it…made her so angry.
''I think I'm gonna go.'' Santana wiped her face with her palm. Stupid fucking tears.
''What, baby.'' Again Brittany went to approach and again Santana gently pushed her embrace away. Still Brittany didn't give up even when Santana tried to push past her, Brittany followed, placing her body in front of Santana who would just sidestep and change direction. She was completely trying to avoid being in Brittany's personal space. Not when her feelings and emotions were so raw. ''Why don't-why don't we just sit down, okay? Let's sit down and we can tal-''
''I don't want to sit and I don't want to talk, most of all I don't want to be here right now...I don't want to hear any of this.'' She started for the door and grabbed her leather jacket on the way.
''Where are you going?''
''Out,'' Santana answered, deadpan.
''To Babylon?''
''Why does it matter? What do you think I'm gonna do? What do you think I'm going to get up to? I thought that's what you wanted.''
She was done, she was checking out. She slide the door open and grunted at it's weight and she was about to step over the threshold when Brittany's voice halted her.
''Santana.''
She turned around and waited for whatever the other girl had left in her to say. One final exchange before she walked away.
''I love you,'' Brittany said with a quiet soft certainty.
And without a reply Santana slid the door closed.
Brittany quickly went to the door but restrained herself. Her hands hovered over the cool metal handle but she couldn't bring herself to touch it. Brittany just pressed her forehead against the door and let her own tears fall, rushing out of her with a force she had never known.
She wanted to chase after, to hug her, to explain again, to find better words but she knew no matter how she phrased it or tried to put it into words, Santana would only hear it one way.
She stood there for several moments until she gathered herself up and turned back. Their food and candles still neatly and perfectly placed on the dining table, and the bouquet of roses there in the middle of it all. A beautiful deep burst of red in an otherwise dimly lit loft. The scene, the lighting, the flowers, it was all so ridiculously romantic. But seeing everything untouched and neglected, it just made her feel ten kinds of broken inside.
X
This was fucked. She was fucked. Everything was fucked.
With frustration and heartache bubbling underneath her skin Santana had decided the best course of action was to walk it off. She practically punched the button in the elevator when she shut herself inside of it. She just couldn't stay in the loft and listen to anymore of what Brittany had to say because no matter what words her girlfriend used Santana only heard one thing in Brittany's voice. Doubt.
Maybe Brittany had tried to play it off like she was giving Santana a choice, that she was willing to set her free for Santana's own benefit, but as far as she was concerned that was total and complete garbage.
After all of Brittany's talk about trust, about how strong they were, about how they could do anything and be anything together, for her to come out and dump that in Santana's lap and act like it was a fucking gift?
It didn't just hurt. It wounded her.
When she finally left the building she started down the streets that already started to become so familiar to her. She spent a good hour walking off her rage until all she was left with was just a painful endless kind of ache that just made her want to collapse.
And since she really didn't want her night to get any fucking worse by slumping over on a nasty ass street corner and ruining her clothes she decided to settle for brooding in a booth at the Liberty Diner. In the late evening hours it was now sparse with only a handful of lone customers which was for the best. She really didn't want anyone to be witness to her raccoon eyes which she had just cleaned up when Debbie, with her trademark buttons and work vest, came sauntering over.
''Can I interest you in a special?'' the older woman asked in greeting. She tilted her head, looking like she wanted to say a lot more than that but was purposely holding back.
''Not hungry,'' Santana answered.
''Are you sure?''
''Certain.''
''Cause ya know, the batch of lemon square were pretty awesome today, think I still have a few left if you want. I could-''
''Deb, you know what I want? To sit here. By myself. Alone. If you could swing that, that'd be just fucking dandy.''
''Hey, watch your fucking tone,'' Debbie warned, but again did so in her own special Debbie way with that motherly vibe about her. ''What has got your knickers in a twist?''
''Look if I have to order something just bring me whatever. I don't care. And I'm sorry but tonight I'm not up for our usual back and forth. I'm just too tired for it right now.''
True to her nature however Debbie wasn't about to remain quiet when she sensed someone needed an encouraging word or two. She sat herself on the other side of the booth and studied Santana's face with concern.
''Are you okay, kid?''
''What about leave me the hell alone do you not understand?'' Santana asked pleadingly.
''This wonderful attitude of yours...it doesn't have anything to do with Ms. Sunshine does it?''
''Can't a girl spontaneously cry for no reason?'' Santana joked weakly. ''Trust me I do it all the time. Randomly crying is like one of my things. I'm fine and it has nothing to do with Brittany so...'' Santana waved the woman off, silently requesting her to leave the booth.
Debbie made no movement. She just gave Santana a sad smile. ''It's just this is the first time I've seen you look like this...'' she made her own wave to Santana, indicating her red, swollen eyes and the tiny stream of snot she was wiping at every five seconds. ''It's also the first time I think I've ever seen one of you without the other. I just thought-''
''Well don't. Just…..just let me sit here,'' Santana requested wearily, all fight, all bite leaving her body.
The waitress, sensing her sadness, decided to leave it there with a single supportive nod as she stood up and walked off only to return a few moments later with a cup of milk and plate with two lemon bars.
''Why'd you bring me two, I only ever order one.''
Debbie lifted a shoulder and placed the items down in front of Santana. ''True but you always end up eating two. When you and Brittany come in you both always order one a piece but you always gobble yours up in about three seconds and then as if on cue she always slides hers on over to you so you can have seconds. Every time. I think she likes them okay enough but I'm guessing she probably likes watching you eat them more.''
''She does that huh?''
''Like I said every time. You've never noticed?''
Santana shook her head. ''I guess not.''
''Well it's pretty cute,'' Debbie chuckled fondly. ''The way she does it...the way she watches you.''
Santana turned to look out of the window at her side. She really wasn't in the mood to talk about Brittany, or even think about Brittany.
Debbie tilted her head once again in concern but tried to lighten the moment with an idea. ''You know what why don't I go and bag a couple for you to take home to her?''
''That probably won't be necessary. I don't uh think I'm gonna be going home tonight anyway so.'' Santana looked back to her and informed her quietly.
Debbie seemed like she wanted to ask why but the look on Santana's face told her to hold her tongue, and so the waitress did.
''Right. Well, I'm on for another couple of hours. If you need anything else...holler,'' she said and leaned forward in order to push the plate of lemon scares closer to Santana's body.
''Yeah,'' Santana croaked dryly and watched as Debbie started off to leave her in peace.
She looked back at the table top and the lemon squares and with a long exhale she pushed the plate away.
X
So I hope no one is mad at Brittany and I hope no one is mad at Santana (or me for that matter) because I can actually see both of their sides in this. It was always my plan to actually have them deal with this point of issue.
Brittany who has never dealt with self doubt or needed much reassurance is now in a place where she feels compelled to give Santana that choice, to put it on the table and make it an option because she desperately needs to hear that she's the only choice (though I do believe if Santana said otherwise, she would accept that and wait, just as Santana had to wait for her). On the other side of it Santana has always been the more fragile of the two but she is also the most passionate and I believe that she sees Brittany even putting that on the table as Brittany doubting Santana's devotion. And the idea that Brittany would even question that after everything in Season 2 and here in this fic, it absolutely devastates her beyond words.
While I do think in terms of personality Brittany and Justin and Brian and Santana do parallel an absurd amount (omg when they're broken up with Justin and Brittany, Season 3 Brian and Season 4 Santana are just two giant buckets of sadnessssss), I think Santana and Brian absolutely diverge when it comes to this. Brian may have needed to work out his own junk for far longer than Santana before he was ready for he and Justin, but Santana is actually I feel more emotionally mature than Brian. Needing time to screw around before she can handle a real relationship? That's something she doesn't need to understand herself. That's where they really, really differ. It took Brian longer to understand what was right in front of him, but Santana...she just knows, with Brittany she just knows.
But yeah, this one hurt to write so be gentle with me.
Also, to anyone who left me a supportive review or a PM or came to ask me a question on Tumblr, or even just reads it, thank you for showing interest in this story in any way, shape or form. It is very appreciated. :D And to anyone who doesn't like my writing style or my storytelling or simply finds it ''annoying'', you are more than welcome to stop reading. :)
Later lovelies.
(P.S. - did anyone catch my wink/reference to 30 Rock in Brian and Santana's phone conversation? I was like 'that is so them' haha)