*Note: Because I couldn't let Edgefire wait! ;)

On the Edge of Wakefulness, Part 2

Chapter 40

I watch a river wild and rocky far beneath me, floppy fish splashing, living and dying, bears and mountain lions crouched and ready to eat. Craggy, branchy trees dip down from the edges, wet now, washed of sap now. A black bird tip toes in to cool clawed feet, shakes off the drops and hops higher up. She's like me, not wanting to soak her spirit in that kind of life. It's beautiful from up here, surrounded by the purple of the sun, safe. I know what to expect on this dry, heated rock upon which I perch. I do what I have to do … pick the bugs, pick the few berries off the thorny bushes. I survive just fine this way. But something has changed, the wind, the clouds, the air. I know my passivity will not serve me … I know I must swoop down into that rushing water … but I'm so afraid … so afraid …

It hadn't taken long at all.

Todd had dosed up like the pro he had become and off he went, straight into never-never land where there was no sickness, no sorrow, no furious living. Nothing but that blessed peacefulness that he loved. Brandy had straddled him, sitting on his lap, and stroked his flushed face with chilled hands. Asked, "You still mad at me, baby?"

"No," he'd whispered, staring right through her. She had watched him as he sank, as he melted, watched his eyelids droop and his lips part. She leaned into him and put her lips to his, put her nose to his, making him smile the smallest of smiles and turn his head. He loosely held her … more reflex than affection.

"You took too much, baby. How you gonna keep an eye out for Jed?"

That's right, what about Jed, SON? Ain't you gonna go save him?

He saw himself getting off the couch, getting up, getting out there. But he knew he didn't do it 'cause he was under water. Drifting, swimming, easy as a bath. He opened his eyes and just gazed at Brandy, her eyes, her nose, her lips that were moving.

She realized things. She was worried for that boy and now felt bad about just handing over the stuff without a thought as to how much he would use. Just didn't think about it. Now suddenly she found herself asking how he was gonna manage out there, and didn't he want to help Jed, and wasn't he afraid enough to control himself?

Her Viki-like prodding finally cut through the comforting cloudy water and he shook her weakly to stop the noise. Said, "He'll notice me … y' know?"

Studying his clasped fingers on her arms, she sighed, "Oh yeah … 'course he will."

Phillip's wants had crawled into the shadows of her mind, becoming invisible. How could she forget? Todd's great relief would be the very thing that would draw that awful man away from Jed … and lead him to Todd. She rubbed her lips together. Then what? He ain't no Superman and she ain't no Wonder Woman … those names go to other people.

OTHERS.

And then another question came to her. Something she thought about a lot in that pretty purple room with Viki. At her beautiful house. She'd only been there two days but it seemed much longer.

"Baby, what's gonna happen … after? Say if, your boy gets saved?" She needed to know because she had seen the look on his face earlier, had seen a different kind of sad lurking in his eyes. "What's gonna happen with you and me?"

He glanced downwards for a while, Brandy thinking he'd nodded off. But then he lifted his shoulder partway, squinted and twisted his mouth … lethargic. "I'm kinda … mixed up … about things," he said.

Hugging him, she answered softly, "I ain't nothing' to think about. Don't you … never mind." She felt his hand drag along her lower back and then press her to him, bringing her closer in. He sighed a curse and she wasn't sure what it was about.

He had felt her in his arms and he wanted her warmth. He felt a deep coldness that ran down into his bones. The heroin though, that was working better than she was. So he loosened his grip and then didn't move for a while longer. Badly into it. Knowing he was dreaming and not dreaming. Knowing Brandy was blowing into his face to make sure he kept breathing. Heard her say, "Oh baby… you took too much…"

"Yeah, shhhhh..."

But he did eventually move. He wasn't sure what got him to make the vision of leaving real. One moment he was in the bliss and flying in the blue skies and the next he was on his feet and out the door. Headed back to the streets to make himself seen, especially as stoned as he was, hoping Phillip would come creeping to him.

Before stepping out with him, Brandy threw on her hoodie jacket, covered her head, and then grabbed something from her night stand. Something to carry, something she might need.

"I'll watch for him, too. I ain't so worthless," Brandy had mumbled to herself before closing the door behind her.

Llanview had once been a thoroughfare for the liquor smugglers during Prohibition. Todd remembered reading about that during an orientation at the University, so long ago. And Phillip had obviously learned about it, had learned what had become of the snaking passageways beneath the city itself, beneath the densely occupied tenements. He knew the routes, knew the hidden storage rooms, the covered-up warehouse spaces … abandoned and useless.

Until now.

They had walked from the soiled but snowy Sixteenth Street down into this black hole of a place, Todd fighting his high all the way because now that Phillip had made the prized contact, he needed to be more connected, had to be. But all the wanting in the world didn't make the high go away.

So he shuffled through a hazy crowd, laboring to keep up with the impossibly quick pace of Phillip, his calculated stride distracting. The way he alternately slowed and sped up, able to maintain the same distance from Todd no matter what, colored him practically... inhuman. More than once, he gave enough lead to make Todd think he'd disappeared into the crowd, but then reappeared … the trail heating up once more.

Phillip never forced him to come along. In fact, after Phillip flashed the picture of Jed, he walked away, knowing Todd would follow him like any stray, desperate dog. Todd had slipped on the snow several times because his muscles didn't work right … didn't work like they should. And Phillip had turned to him, smirked and shook his head at the downed hero-hopeful, walking away again. He looked to be the incarnation of Lucifer, Satan, the Devil himself in the flesh, towering over others, people seemingly stepping aside for him … stepping aside for Hell's True King. When Todd got to those same folks, they hissed at him, blocked his way, made his getting by … difficult.

Several spoke, Todd noticed, one eyeing him, spitting, "Devil's work … you'll never be worthy." Another moaned from the ground, a talking clump of clothing, newspaper and rotting blankets, "What can a piss-ant like you do to God's favored weapon? Death is your only salvation!" Then there was a child … a young girl who stepped right in front of Todd, raised her hands to him, and pushed him back, "It's too late for you! It's too LATE! Blood is what you'll find, blood turned to blackened water … blood turned to sewage … putrid blood spilling all over … there's nothing to fight anymore! You lose, Little One." Then she yanked up her tee-shirt and instead of a sweet child's chest, he saw her split apart, her heart green and maggot-ridden … and she laughed as he shoved her aside, reminded him of a young Brandy.

He kept walking anyway, stumbling, slipping, ignoring the remaining taunts and condemnation, ignoring the persistent hurt he felt … the heroin doing nothing for it …

Had the torture started? Was Jedediah safe?

He followed Phillip through an open door off one of the alleys, stepping into a long, musty hallway … and walked through more doors, went down stairwells, passed more nooks. Soon the dimness forced Phillip to pull out a lighter, a bright, yellow flame leading their way through darker, wetter, drippier passages.

Todd reached out at one point, feeling the slimy walls, dragging his hand along. He fell once, fell hard, and Phillip came back to get him. The black leather shoes … fancy ones … did not match the general scummy wear which covered him otherwise.

"Get up," Phillip had grumbled.

"I am," Todd had answered, trying, struggling, and when he finally was up, he stood face to face with Satan. With Peter. Yeah, the features of Phillip had altered, elongated … and that familiar face grinned back at him. Todd slid back along the wall a couple of paces. Couldn't get far enough away though … he never could get far enough away.

"Welcome home, Son. I'm so glad to see you again."

"Wh-what's happening here? I-I-I don't understand."

A snarling, condescending voice answered, mimicking Todd, "'I-I-I don't understaaaaand …'" He chuckled, "Isn't it clear to you what's happened?"

"No … no, it's not clear … where's Jed … where is he?!" Todd tried to grab the man by his shirt, tried to bully him the way he used to bully people, before … before … before he remembered all those details of his life, before Georgie.

In response, he got a closed fist to the side of his head and the taste of wet refuse mixed with his own blood when he hit the ground. He knew the drugs were messing him up bad … and if Jed was lost to this evil, it would be thanks to the White Princess, thanks to him.

"Get up," the man growled.

Todd got to his hands and knees, spitting out blood. Glanced upwards, "What you do to him? Didja kill him? Didja rape him?"

"In due time, Son. For now … you need to come with me. Get … up."

Too impatient, Phillip brought Todd to his feet by grabbing onto his hair and within minutes they were walking again. The hallucination faded at that, Peter slowly morphing back into Phillip, fading into the recesses of memory.

They came upon a locked iron gate, decorated with curlicues and spikes, looking ancient, more than a hundred years old. Phillip grunted as he slid it open … pushing it along noisy sliders. A borderless area lay on the other side, an expanse of endless space and Todd looked around wildly for Jed.

The few gas lanterns didn't give off enough light though and he circled, anxious because he couldn't see Jed, couldn't hear him. He stood still, suddenly feeling Phillip's hot breath at his ear, saying, "Look carefully, Boomer … all will be revealed to you."

Todd walked slowly, scanning the darkness, finding it hard to breathe … the smells and dampness weighing on his chest.

"I can't see him," he said, "I can't. Jed!"

"Open your eyes … and see."

And he finally spotted what he was supposed to see, he certainly did.

"Oh … god … oh god," Todd groaned, falling to his knees, crawling now. "No … no …"

"Whatsa matter, son?" Phillip's voice seemed to take on physical form, becoming whole, developing a body, a rodent with thick featherless wings … yeah, a bat. Todd pushed the flapping thing away, shoved the mocking creature into the darkness and he finally got to where Jed lay still, so still, a dirty-faced angel.

Asked weakly, softly, "J-Jed? You okay, huh? Y-you awake? Come on … talk to me." He turned and yelled, "What did you do to him, you motherfucker … wha'dja do, what what what… ahhh come on, Jed, wake up..."

Jedediah lay curled up, lying nearly face down on the concrete floor, arms twisted behind him, each wrist separately cuffed to a complex series of stand-alone piping. He wore jeans but had no shirt and no shoes. Todd touched cool skin tentatively, afraid of what he'd feel, afraid of what he'd find. He felt the boy's chest … and there he felt the gentle rises and falls, thank god, thank god. He put his head down on that delicate boy's shoulder. "You awake? Come on … can you talk to me?"

"He isn't going to answer … because he's too fucked-up. Like you. Like father, like son. The sins of the father and all that rot. I love reunions, silent as though they might be."

Groaning to Phillip, "You bastard … you sick piece of shit." Todd patted Jed's hair, his back, his arms, his cheeks. "He's an innocent … and clean … and pure, pure as light, something you don't know anything about! Come on, Jed … talk to me … talk to me…" He shook him delicately and Jed responded, looking up, the thinnest of smiles breaking out. Todd brightened at that, hopeful for a second, relieved.

"Wha'? I don' know … I jus' …," Jed slurred his words bad, nearly incomprehensible, confirming he'd been drugged. He closed his eyes again, but then peeked at whoever bothered him, recognizing the intruder.

"Tha' you … 'angel daddy'?" He laughed softly a moment, sleepy, then added, "You come for me? You got my mama with you? You made it to her?"

Todd wanted to cry, but the heroin didn't allow it. "Oh no, no, you're not dead … no … it's okay. You're gonna be fine. Everything's gonna be fine." He tried to make things sound like they were anyplace but here, anyplace other than Hell. "You feel okay? You uh … you hurt? Anywhere?"

Shhhh … don't think it, don't think it at all.

"Ohhhh yeahhhhh … fine, fine … jus' … um … you know … I don' know …" He chuckled and brought his knees up a little more, trying to curl up some more. He struggled with the cuffs, getting that he couldn't pull his arms out from behind him. Resigned to it. "Can … uh … can I sleep? Can I?"

"Yeah … you sleep." Todd touched his hair like he used to with Starr when he put her to bed, sweet little rubs to get her to go to sleep. Back then, before he remembered. He looked at the cuffs, wanting to make sure they weren't on too tight, wanting to see if he could take them off but his mind worked so slowly and things were so confusing. He wasn't sure what to do about any of this. Panic rumbled because he heard Phillip walking around behind him. Heard mocking laughter, fragile sounds like knives pinging against each other, pinging into the empty space having nothing to bounce off of.

All that got interrupted, however. In a voice beneath a whisper, Jed asked, "Daddy? Daddy, you're not gonna leave me here, are you? I won't run anymore. I'm sorry … sorry …"

Todd tucked down, his forehead touching cooled skin, fighting to keep it together, "No way. I'm not goin' anywhere, Jed … I'm right here … okay? I'm right here." All the drugs in the world couldn't stop this pain, this hurt.

He turned to Phillip, standing several feet away.

"Let him go," Todd said. "You got me … you don't need him. He didn't ask to be born, he didn't ask for me to be his father, didn't ask for Michelle either. Just dumb-ass luck. Let him go."

"How … sacrificial of you. How fucking noble."

"There's nothing noble about me. Jed didn't do anything to you. He's a kid … he's a stubborn … innocent … kid."

"Oh yeah. Same as you. Precious, innocent … you." The man looked around, listened to the quiet rush of air coming from the depths of the city, listened to the sounds of an underworld long left behind, to ghosts of men who'd built this godforsaken foundation. He sniffed arrogantly, shifting position.

Todd got to his feet, remaining in front of Jed, guarding him.

"Your father, Peter, he loved me," Phillip said, "honored me. I built an empire thanks to him, thanks to his money, teachings of business … thanks to balls."

"He had no balls, just like you. Nothing but chicken shit preying on people …just because. That's why your empire is dead."

"Ohhh you're getting tough now. Guess that dope's wearing off."

"What do you want?"

"Why don't you ask, what MORE do I want?" He looked past Todd and smiled at the sleeping form of Jed. "I pretty much took what I could from him. So … really, you ought to be asking, what MORE do I want? What's LEFT?"

The words floated to Todd like wavering and bobbing leaves in a stream. He could almost hear idyllic giggles at the sight of them, a race being encouraged. Which would reach the waterfall first? Which fragile bit of nature would go over … first? Except there was nothing idyllic about what Phillip was saying.

This is on me. This is my doing.

Todd peered down at his Jedediah, his precious angel. But who he saw instead was a young boy sitting up and swimming in light. The boy. The one who haunted him in the depths of heroin bliss, the one who followed him through dreams and nightmares, the boy who'd cry while huddled in every corner of every hospital room Todd had been in.

A voice came from the boy, one that didn't match him as it was too fresh-sounding, too clean, too … woodsy.

Is there forgiveness, now, Little One?

Forgiveness? Phillip is trying to tell me he raped my son. It's my fault. I have only more to forgive myself for. I'm more culpable than ever. Forgiveness of my sins? You jest … you surely jest. The mountain of shit seems to grow with every passing second of my life.

And how does a person climb that mountain of shit?

Oh Spirit, aren't you getting sassy with the verbiage?

If what Phillip says is true … do you place the blame on your child? Ought he be punished to the degree you've punished yourself?

Glancing across muddy air at a canary-eating Phillip, Todd shook his head for clarity, pointless effort perhaps. "You want me to do something with… with what you're saying to me. Lose my mind, kill you."

"Maybe. Maybe I just like watching you squirm… watching that warped imagination of yours running amok. Going places it shouldn't … making you see pictures of a person doing things, having things done to them, pictures you shouldn't see." He paused, then, folding his arms across his chest, he commented, "I'm curious about something. What would you be willing to do to get me to let the kid go? I mean … assuming you think his life is still worth living, considering all that's been taken from him. His...virginity, if you will."

Todd's breath intensified. Pictures he shouldn't see in his head now, just like the fucker said. Vomit burned at the back of his throat. His eyes slid to Jed, down his body, looking for blood. "Whatever you want," he said quietly.

Chuckling … knives clanging against each other … Phillip began to pace a short path, his shoes smacking in puddles as he moved.

"This is something I must think about," he said. "I mean, we all know the inevitable end to our tete-a-tete. I'm the Roadrunner and you're Wile E. Coyote. The Bird always wins, but it's fun as hell watchin' that stupid-ass dog work it … and always bite it at the end. That, my broken friend, is the filling in the éclair, the icing on the cake, the … cherry in the pie."

"Well, here I am. Do what you want. Just let him go."

"I don't know. I'm a-flutter with anticipation. There's a problem though of logistics."

"Logistics," Todd whispered.

"Yeah … I mean … how will it all work out?"

Todd rubbed his face with both hands, thinking … thinking … but nothing worked right. Not now … not with what Phillip was saying. If he hurt Jed, Todd kinda thought that maybe he'd die right here. Just fall to his knees and die. He couldn't protect his kid from the worst kinda hell ever. He had failed. He startled, blinking, because Phillip was snapping his fingers in his face.

"Yeah, you, I'm talking to you."

"I'm here, I'm here…," Todd mumbled.

Shhhh don't think about it. Don't get lost in the hell.

"Damn, the drugs got you good, Boomer. Sorta hilarious to see you try to think, to attempt to use of those incapacitated brain cells." Without warning, Phillip slapped Todd on the head with an open palm, saying, "Think." He slapped him each time he used the word. "Think. How do we get Jedediah to safety while keeping you here. Think, How can you be sure of Jed's safety and STILL be my little plaything? Think, think, think."

Todd had stumbled backwards and Phillip's features flickered in front of him, dreamlike, reflecting Peter's visage again. Those eyes, those blackish, disconnected eyes … he recalled the same kinds of games with Peter. The hits to get him to think about football statistics, about strategy.

Think!

Intense humiliation because he couldn't fight back. Todd felt breakable Jed at his heels. He didn't deserve to be hurt. He's just a kid … a poor … unlucky kid.

As you were, Little One. An unprotected child who never asked to be in the household of Peter. Who never asked to be born. Who never asked to be hurt. Sound familiar?

"Let's go buddy-boy … think!"

Placing fingertips to his head where Phillip had been hitting him, the other hand raised somewhat in self-protection, Todd then said, "I'll go back to Sixteenth with you. We leave Jed … uh … in a safe place up there. And I'll go with you. Leave Llanview … whatever … whatever you want. It'll be easy … nobody'll see anything."

"A plan … wow, listen to you. You're thinking."

Phillip, mere inches away, touched Todd's throat with a curled finger, dragging the knuckle along his neck, Todd not moving because he didn't want to leave Jedediah exposed in any way. Phillip leaned in and sniffed at his neck, licking his Adam's apple. Todd shuddered and cringed at the contact, inching away but not moving his feet.

"You know what I never got about you," Phillip sighed after a rolling chuckle at Todd's reactions, "… your guilt. I remember back in Chicago … 'member watching you turn, get mean, start to act like a man should act. Your dad mentioned something about you and this cheerleader. Laughed that she bit your lip but you got her anyway. He was proud. Didja know that?" He sniffed, glancing at Jed a second before resuming his bitter gaze of Todd. "There was this one day I stopped by your place. I wanted to see your dad. Nobody answered the door. I was jealous, it's true. Peter, he'd been sort of … gushy about the football shit, about you and all the girls you were managing to nail. Anyways … so I went to your place. When nobody answered, I looked through the windows … and I saw you sitting on the stairs inside, staring into space. Then … you cut your arm with a blade and you watched the blood drip off onto the steps. I musta watched you for like a half hour. Fuckin' guilt." He stared at Todd, his lip in a sneer. "You remember doing that?"

Todd shook his head, "No. I did a lot of shit back then … don't make any difference now. Didn't change what happened later or before." Kept the heels of his boots pressed against Jed, not wanting to lose him … not wanting to stop feeling him there … out of Phillip's clutch. For the moment.

"Your son … I didn't rape him."

"Okay," Todd whispered, waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop.

"I was saving him … for you."

"Wh-what?"

"I didn't fuck him because I want to watch you do that. I want you to take his virginity. I want you to rape him the way your daddy raped YOU. Now won't that be FUN?"

To be continued...