I have my sister to thank for pushing me to get this chapter out :)
X
After Santana and Brian finished their game of pool they went back over to join the others at the tables where the group sat as karaoke night officially began. The house lights dimmed just slightly and soon patron after patron began to take the stage, the performances ranged from fabulous to cringey but it was all in good fun and with every song the crowd gave up their applause.
It was during one such round of applause that Justin became preoccupied with shouting out hoots of support for Emmett and Lindsay who had just finished doing some god awful Captain and Tennille cover. It was then that Santana found herself being discreetly dragged into a dark corner of the bar by Brian.
''Uh what the fuck?''
''Follow me,'' he urged quietly as he led them both behind a shimmery stage curtain.
There they stood in the very small, very cramped backstage area of Woody's stage area. It was packed with used and battered cables, gear and lights, however Santana immediately recognized that within the clutter of it all was Brian's guitar placed securely inside of an open hardcase, nearby was a small silverfaced Fender amp as well.
''How did you manage this?'' she asked, wondering how he had gotten permission to stow his own special gear back here from the people running the place.
He peeked his head out from behind the curtains. Another random bar customer had just taken the stage. ''I came in before everyone else and worked it out with the sound guy. Put myself on the list under a pseudonym just so the others wouldn't see what I was up to. I'm next after this guy who's wearing the fugliest outfit I've ever seen.'' He closed the curtain and turned back to her.
''You didn't tell Justin?''
''I want it to be a surprise.''
''And a way to pussy out if you changed your mind,'' she remarked wisely.
''I'm not changing my mind. Not about this. I just hope I don't fucking choke and humiliate myself in front of him.''
''You won't. But even if you did I'm pretty sure he'd still love your flat unappealing white boy ass regardless.''
Brian looked weirdly warmed by this. ''Is this how you encourage people?''
''Yeah actually it is.''
''For the record my ass is not flat.''
''Your ass is tragically flat,'' she teased and threw a dismissive glance to the side of his butt. ''I'm seriously considering starting a GoFundMe page for it so you can get some kind of gluteal implants back there.''
''Thank you.''
''For starting the Brian Kinney Ass Implant Campaign?''
''For helping me find my voice,'' he clarified with a smirk. ''You didn't have to help me but you did.''
Santana coughed and tried to play it down. She didn't want him getting all disgustingly sentimental on her. Not that she thought sentimental was his particular style but still, she thought it better not to risk it. ''Yeah well, I guess I wanted to help you because I know what it would mean to Justin and what that would in turn mean to Britt...and because me and you...we're like…'' she shifted in place all awkward like. ''...we're like friends or some shit.''
''I guess we are,'' he said. ''Or some shit.''
''Don't tell anyone though,'' she warned quickly. ''That we're like friends or whatever.''
He gave her an epic eyeroll. ''Like I'm gonna be beating down doors to tell everyone I'm friends with some bitchy cheerleader from Ohio.''
''Well I'm certainly not gonna be telling anyone I'm pals with some over the hill club boy.''
While they couldn't say it with words just yet Santana knew they were having a moment of mutual acceptance and respect. In the only way two people like them could.
''Admit it though I'm the most fabulous person you know,'' he said straightening his form and looking all smug and satisfied.
''I'm the most fabulous person I know,'' she said smartly and gave him a light but affectionate shove in his shoulder.
Before he had a chance to respond with another quip though the sound of applause startled them both back to reality: the previous singer's song had just come to a finish and the bar had erupted into polite hoots and claps as the man made his way off the stage. This was it.
''Now or never huh.''
''Now or never,'' she repeated and gave him a single reassuring nod which he returned before watching her make her exit from the area.
This time however when she made her way back to the main floor she bypassed Justin along with all of her new friends with a weak smile and headed off to the bar to stand alone where she ordered a drink and turned to watch the show.
Brian took the stage with his guitar in hand and his amp behind him. Back at the table Justin, Melanie, Emmett, Ted, Lindsay and the others immediately looked amongst each other. Stunned and curious smiles frozen on their faces as they tried to comprehend what they were seeing. Brian. On stage.
''Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?'' Ted asked his friends.
''Holy shit,'' Melanie remarked to no one in particular.
''Oh my god,'' Lindsay said and held a hand to her mouth, looking pleased and amused.
Justin however remained silent in amazement and disbelief as he watched his boyfriend. His eyes were bright and hopeful as Brian took his place in front of the mic stand. The dark haired man made a quick and somewhat stilted introduction for himself. His song, he informed the audience, was going to be a little bit of a departure for the evening. He wasn't going to read off of a monitor and he wasn't going to be backed by a generic instrumental music track, instead it was just going to be him, his guitar and the stage. And there as he stood with the lights on him he launched into a slightly slowed down reworking of what he introduced as ''the greatest pop song ever written''.
The entire club was at a loss as to what song he was playing, it was difficult to suss out with a slower tempo but soon it became pretty clear when he locked eyes with Justin as he sang out the opening line.
''Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream he said, the one that makes me laugh he said
Threw his arms around my neck.
Show me how you do it and I promise you
I promise you I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you.''
It was a classic song and in terms of karaoke it could be considered a standard of sorts, and recognizing it the audience let out appreciative soft mumbles as Brian's fingers moved across the frets.
Back at the bar Santana watched the scene play out and for a second she could swear she could see his heart pounding through his shirt. That son of a bitch was doing it. Brian Kinney was fucking singing. And not only was Brian Kinney singing, but Brian Kinney was fucking singing to Justin Taylor.
She couldn't help but feel a little bit proud of him.
''He's not half bad,'' said a familiar voice.
Santana turned to find Brittany come to stand at her side.
''No he's not,'' Santana replied.
Brittany turned away briefly and spotted an enthralled Justin sitting at a table in the crowd and although she looked pleased that her cousin and his boyfriend were having this moment, neither of them held her attention. ''But I'm guessing Brian probably had a good teacher,'' Brittany said, turning back to face Santana.
Santana decided to play it coy. She didn't want to make a thing out of helping Brian. ''I wouldn't know anything about that.''
''Right,'' Brittany chuckled. ''So this was your big secret. The thing you and Brian kept sneaking off to do together?''
''Well, this and shop for clothes but yeah,'' Santana answered.
''Why?''
''Bitches gotsta stick together.''
Brittany stared at her silently.
Santana shook her head about and amended her statement. ''And I guess I wanted to help him because I know what it feels like, to want to sing to someone so badly but you're afraid to...''
''Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed his face and I kissed his head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had to make him glow
Why are you so far away he said
Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you''
''So what have you been up to all day?'' Santana asked changing the subject swiftly. ''You didn't come back to the loft.''
''I didn't think you wanted me at the loft right now.''
''I...it's not that...you-''
''Anyway.'' Brittany raised an eyebrow and after a moment replied cryptically. ''I spent most of the day around Liberty Avenue looking for something. Or someone actually.''
Santana wasn't sure what she was on about, or who exactly Brittany was referring to, but she didn't pry. ''Did you find them?''
''Not yet but I will.''
They looked into each other's eyes for a very long and loaded moment.
It felt like they were almost back in that weird limbo of theirs. Dancing around each other instead of with each other. Having come so far with each other this weird stilted chit chat felt so very uncomfortable.
Santana looked back to the stage, even as she felt Brittany's eyes remain on her.
''You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans, twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
You're just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe his name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone, alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only boy I loved
And drowned him deep inside of me"
They listened to Brian work his way through the song's chorus again and afterwards when he brought it all to a finish the crowd burst into applause and his friends were screaming for him but Brian seemed completely unaffected by it. His eyes were only on Justin who stared back intensely. Quietly moved.
It was beautiful, Santana thought as she watched from afar. She knew what it was like to be inside one of those moments, with Brittany. Silent but charged. Electric. Where minutes could feel like lifetimes. Santana's mouth twitched up into a tight closed smile as she watched Brian breathe with relief. He had stood up in front of everyone and serenaded his partner.
The man may have had a tragically flat ass but, she concluded, after letting go of his fear and doubt in song, well, it was clear he at least had a set of balls on him. Santana had to give him that.
She raised a glass to him and he lifted his head in recognition of her before hopping down and making his way over to Justin at their table in the middle of the bar.
''Well…that's that,'' Santana started and took a gulp of her drink, finishing it off quickly. ''I think I'm going to go call it a night here.''
''You're leaving?''
''Yeah I'm not in a sing-songy mood tonight. I just came to see Brian through this. I'm beat.''
''I don't-''
''We'll talk later,'' Santana said softly, encouragingly. ''Go try to have some fun with everyone okay?'' She briefly took Brittany's hand in her own and gave it a tiny squeeze before letting go and making off for the front exit.
She forced herself not to look back as she started to gently jostle herself through the crowds and clusters of people standing about and goofing off, laughing and smiling with their friends. She didn't even stop or pause when a small splash of someone's drink slopped out and onto her shoes. She was seconds away from reaching the exit when some slow melancholy piano track began playing but the only thing that made her halt suddenly was when a familiar voice began coming through the sound system.
She stood statue still and stared at the front doorway and the massive collection of tattered posters framing it as Brittany's voice floated throughout the bar.
''Come up to meet you
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start...''
With a deep breath Santana turned around and found the stage with her eyes.
Sometime between the moment Santana had left her at the bar and reached the exit Brittany had apparently rushed her way to the front, to the sound man and somehow commandeered the mic.
Santana lingered and listened, unable to move, unable to swallow, unable to do anything but absorb how Brittany's voice sounded so very small and so very delicate. She had never heard her quite like this before. Most of the time in Glee Brittany opted for something dancey and light, energetic, but this song was anything but. It was slow and raw and vulnerable in a way that was breathtaking and painful and beautiful.
But as breathtaking as the performance was, Santana really didn't want to see it, or hear it. She knew what her girlfriend was trying to do and goddamn if it wasn't almost working. It was hard not to melt at Brittany's soft sweet voice or her open face as she stared directly at her with eyes that were silently pleading and imploring her.
But Santana knew a song wasn't going to be the answer or solution. Even if said song was making her heart do that clenchy thing inside of her chest.
It couldn't be that easy, it wasn't going to be that easy she knew, no matter how much Brittany may want it to be. No matter how much Santana herself wanted it to be.
''...I was just guessing numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are…''
And it was at this point in the song she had to turn around, her back to the stage again. If she had to watch Brittany for one more second there was no way in hell she would be able to hold it together. She had that gross weird feeling at the back of her throat and if she didn't swallow it down soon she was going to get messy and she couldn't have that. Not in front of everyone here and certainly not in front of Brian who would probably never let her live it down.
She managed to survive the rest of the song with her heart in one piece and by the time it was finished she had gathered herself enough to turn back and clap along with the rest of the crowd as Brittany made her way down. Emmett and Lindsay and Daphne all reached out as Brittany walked by their table, their hands were out, reaching for her, halting her progress back to Santana in order to gush and compliment her quietly moving performance. Hunter, Melanie and Michael soon joined the commotion, trapping Brittany in place as they all laughed and chattered about her. For Santana it was a welcome buffer because like hell was she going to walk over and join in and play happy. She didn't have it in her. Instead she pulled herself together and made for the door.
She wasn't strong enough to walk out without looking back however. She turned then, watching Brittany as Brittany watched her from afar, caught up in the middle of their new friends.
She wasn't running, she told herself, this wasn't running. She just needed a breather.
And what better breather was there than a smoke she concluded once she made her way out of the club and around Liberty Avenue back to the loft. As soon as she slid the heavy steel door closed she made her way to the bedroom where she kept what little that was left of her stash after she and Brian had last lit up. Yanking the little plastic sandwich bag along with her she then went on a wild hunt around the living area of the loft looking for her rolling papers. Tossing aside throw pillows and knick knacks they were nowhere to be found. She was on the brink of breaking what was probably a really expensive glass art piece in frustration when she remembered the box.
The tucked away box that belonged to Brian, she could have sworn she saw some old rolling papers in there. She went to dig it back out and brought it as well as the last bit of her weed to the sitting area.
She had to get a hold of herself, she had to relax, and this was the only way.
Nobody had ever sung to her before tonight. It was the first time, and it was Brittany. Brittany had sang to her and put her heart out before her, open and pleading for her affection. She had so wanted to march right over there and take the girl in her arms and never let go, to tell her yes, yes, this is all I need to hear, but she had to be stronger than that. Whatever this was, where the night before came from it was going to take more than a song to come back from it.
She closed her eyes and sat back on the couch as she took the first inhale.
And she waited. She knew what was coming and sure enough a half hour later she heard Brittany enter the loft and slide the door closed behind her. She listened to the sounds of keys being tossed onto the counter and shoes against wood flooring and then she sensed movement on the other side of the couch. She opened her drowsy eyes to see Brittany sitting sideways and facing her.
She didn't look upset or angry and it was difficult to gauge the blonde's emotions. Santana was a little relieved to hear light laughter tumble out of her when she held out her hand to offer Brittany the joint. Even if that laughter was tinged with a certain kind of sadness.
''No thanks,'' Brittany said with a single shake of her head.
Santana raised an eyebrow, shrugged and placed the joint back to her lips as if to say okay, more for me.
''You didn't stick around after,'' Brittany said.
''Yeah, like I said I was done for the night and anyway it looked like you were busy with your many many fans,'' Santana teased.
''I wasn't singing for my 'fans' though.''
Santana sat up and leaned forward on the couch to flick non existent ash into a tray on the table. ''I know. I'm sorry if I sound a little...distant or whatever,'' Santana continued and softened her tone. ''You sounded really pretty.''
''I did?''
''You did. You always sound really pretty. I loved it. I really did.''
Brittany bit down on her lip. ''I hope you know it was all for you.''
''I do. I did. It was beautiful, Brittany. It's just that as beautiful as they can be sometimes songs don't always solve everything. I wish they did but contrary to what Mr. Schue is always babbling about in glee club, they don't.''
''I know and I wasn't singing to you to try to fix everything. I just wanted you to hear me and know...that I'm sorry and that I'm gonna make it up to you. For us to be together again.''
''We are together,'' Santana clarified firmly. ''We're still girlfriends. I told you I'm not flaking out over one fight. I'm here with you...I'm just…'' she shook her head, at a loss. She didn't know what she was. She just knew that she was sad mostly.
''You say we're together but to be honest,'' Brittany started cautiously, ''this doesn't feel like together...with you walking away from me all the time now. I sang to you tonight and you could barely wait til I was done before walking out.''
''I'm sorry for taking off like that after you did what you did, I just needed a minute.''
''I'm sorry if the song wasn't...I don't know...if it made you uncomfortable.''
Santana scrunched up her face, balking. ''What, no. It didn't make me uncomfortable or anything, Britt. I told you I loved it. I just, I left because if I didn't I would've went up to kiss you and if I kissed you I would've touched you and if I touched you I…'' Santana let out a funny little noise, somewhere between a laugh and a groan. ''No one's ever sang to me before. No one. You did though, tonight, and you sounded so, so, so perfect and I wanted to show you how perfect, but I don't trust me all the time. I knew after that that if I touched you I wasn't gonna want to stop.''
''What?''
Santana stubbed out her joint and allowed her shoulders to sink. ''I don't want us to get sidetracked or for anything to get confusing because...sex. We've done that before and I don't want to go back to having sex with each other while ignoring our feelings. I think maybe there's a couple of things we both need to say and figure out before we go back to-''
''Getting naked together?'' Brittany finished her thought. She looked like she was in total disbelief of what she was hearing, which yeah Santana could understand.
''I just think we should maybe put a pause on orgasms for the time being, you know?''
''A pause? On orgasms?''
''You say that like it's the most horrible thing in the world.''
''It is the most horrible thing in the world.''
''I know it sounds ridiculous but maybe we should give it a try. You can sort your heart out and I can sort out mine.'' Santana herself wasn't exactly thrilled with the prospect but somehow it felt like the right turn for them, at least for a little bit. At least until Brittany got inside of her own head and dealt with her own niggling doubt. And at least until she confided in Santana about what that doubt was and where it came from.
Brittany didn't look overjoyed with the idea, in fact it looked like she wanted to debate it but in the end she just nodded with apprehension. ''Okay. If you think that's gonna help us get back to where we were...we can try that.''
''Okay?''
''Yeah okay. If you think we should go without for a little while just so we can clear our heads, I'm in if you're in. If all of what I said last night is coming from a me place...a fear place...I want to know and I will, and if I have to do that without Santana-induced orgasms then I guess that's what I gotta do.''
''Poor you,'' Santana couldn't help but tease.
''Damn right poor me.'' Brittany played along, as if terribly devastated, even though there was a hint of a smile underneath. She then looked down at the small box of Brian's belongings between them. ''What's this stuff?''
Santana tilted her head dismissively. She leaned back on the couch, sinking onto her side so they were face to face as she explained. ''Just some of Brian's junk. I had to dig through it to find some papers.''
Brittany poked at a few of the items. Pictures of baby Gus, the cigars, the tiny box with wedding bands inside of it which even took Brittany by surprise to see when she popped the lid open. Then amongst various little trinkets Brittany pulled out the bracelet. The cowry shell bracelet Santana had seen on one of her very first evening's in the loft on Liberty Avenue. She hadn't really thought much of it, while it was unique it wasn't exactly blingy so it hadn't really caught her eye that first time, but now something about it stood out when Brittany took it in one hand and Santana's wrist in the other. She watched as Brittany pulled her hand into her lap and then very carefully, very delicately began to tie it around her slim wrist. Her fingers gently dancing around on her skin.
Brittany was drawing out the process, taking far longer than any one person would need to tie a simple bracelet on and Santana felt a delicious little shiver run through her. And even after it was on she held Santana's wrist staring down at the bracelet and running her thumb over the shells. Given that sex had temporarily been taken off the table the act took on an even more intimate nature.
''I think I'm gonna go to bed,'' Brittany announced softly.
''Bed.'' Santana licked her lips. ''Okay.''
Brittany looked like she wanted to do something else or say something else but she left it there. She stood and lingered in front of Santana for a long moment though.
''Just to be clear though if you roll over on my side of the bed in the middle of the night, I wouldn't exactly protest,'' Brittany added.
''Yeah I know you wouldn't.''
''You are coming though aren't you?''
''In a little bit after I clean up this mess.'' Santana bowed her head a bit, indicating the mess she had made in her search for papers and the few items from Brian's box they had pulled out.
Brittany accepted that and with a parting look went off towards the bedroom. Santana watched her go and then started tidying the area. Throwing pillows back in their place and drawers back in their slots, placing all of Brian's belongings back into the box.
Everything that is except for the bracelet on her wrist.
There in the center of the loft she stroked the shells. Her fingers tracing the spots Brittany had touched.
X
It was strange, going to bed together without actually going to bed together Santana concluded. It wasn't like they hadn't had quiet PG-13 nights where they just slinked into bed and fell asleep cuddled up but it was just that now that they were taking this breather it felt like sex should be taken off the table for the time being which somehow made something in Santana just that much more aware of Brittany's body.
Later that night when Santana found herself standing at the foot of the bed staring at Brittany clad in a tiny t shirt and panties Santana wasn't sure what to do. A part of her told herself she could do this, she could crawl into bed and sleep beside Brittany and not be tempted, easy fucking peasy. But another part of her knew better too. Another part of her knew that once her body was in close proximity to Brittany's, chemistry and want couldn't be controlled.
She felt weirdly nervous when they both settled in and got under the sheets. Every little movement somehow felt much bigger and more significant. Desperate for distraction she must have punched her pillow into submission at least half a dozen times before tiring herself out and falling asleep. And the only thing more frustrating than falling asleep not being able to touch Brittany was waking up with Brittany spooning her and forcing herself to not turn it into anything more than a cuddle. Feeling like some jittery nervous idiot with Brittany's breath tickling the back of her neck, Santana had to wiggle her way out of her embrace before she did something that she regretted.
She ended up making up some half assed excuse as to having plans just to get out of the loft. Brittany however still managed to give her cheek a peck before she left.
Santana could still feel the warmth and pressure of Brittany's lips on her hours later as she sat in a booth at Breadstix for lunch.
''These breadsticks are for shit,'' Brian, who sat across from her, stated matter of factly as he bit into one and made a face.
Pissed off for reasons she wasn't about to share Santana took it as an opportunity to express a little harmless rage as she leaned forward and actually slapped the crusty stick out of his hand. It immediately broke and the pieces fell to the table.
''Hey what the fuck, no me gusta,'' he said, dusting off his lap of breadstick debris.
''First of all don't no me gusta me okay, get your own damn catchphrase and second of all you shut your mouth about Breadstix breadsticks.''
Brian looked taken back and tickled at the same time. ''Alright, seriously tell me what in the gay hell is going on with you?''
''Nothing, who says anything is going on with me,'' she laughed unconvincingly. ''I just take offense when someone isn't witty or smart enough to create their own signature catchphrases, it's lazy is what it is, Brian, and frankly I'm disappointed in you. I thought you were better than this. Also! Breadsticks from Breadstix are fucking delicious.''
He squinted at her in confusion but shook his head about. ''Whatever. I don't care,'' he said with relaxed little sigh that told her everything she needed to know.
He had so gotten laid after that song to Justin Santana quickly came to figure. When she sang to Brittany it always tended to result in really hot, amazing celebratory sex between them and she figured Brian and Justin had probably done the same, given Brian's performance at the bar.
''Anyway I told you I didn't want to eat this shit but you're the one who insisted so now you're just going to have to listen to me complain about their disgusting ass food. If you didn't want to hear me bitching you should have just brought your girlfriend.''
Santana made a strange grunty noise that was perhaps not the most flattering.
''I didn't want to say anything but I'm actually starting to sense there's trouble on lesbo island.''
''I am this close from backhanding you, you have no idea,'' she said with a completely straight face and pulled up her long sleeve, lifting her hand for effect.
''Wait, what is this?'' He went to gently pull at her wrist, bringing it down between them in the middle of the table where he inspected his own bracelet wrapped around her wrist. ''Where did you get this?''
She lifted a shoulder. ''The loft. I just...found it.''
''And you put it on?''
''Actually Brittany put it on,'' she answered and took her hand back and started her own inspection of it. It wasn't the most easy thing to get off. ''Last night. I don't even know why. It's ugly as hell.''
''Then why haven't you taken it off?''
''Shut up and eat your sticks,'' she said. She had tried to take it off that morning but couldn't and knew that if she had asked Brittany they would probably end up in some awkward hand-holdy situation which she was trying to avoid right now. ''I have a question for you though.''
He stabbed the giant meat ball on his plate and made no effort at all to eat it.
''Why the hell did it take you so long to admit that you loved Justin?''
Brian stopped playing with his food and looked her in the eyes, stunned by the serious and point blank question.
''I mean,'' she went on casually, poking at her own food, ''Britt's told me about you two and I've picked up things here and there from Michael and Lindsay and everyone else. How he was always ready...how you were always running. I just don't get it.''
''Get what?''
''I see the way he looks at you and the way you look at him and it's real. I don't understand running away from something that's real.'' Her voice was soft, there was no judgement in it, just general curiosity. ''I guess I'm just curious what you got out of it, the screwing around and wasting time with so many randoms when you already had the best thing, the real thing with Justin…''
Brian sensed this question was coming from somewhere else, somewhere deeper and he wasn't quite sure how to answer, so he didn't. Santana for her part didn't seem to notice at all. She blinked down at her food in a weird sort of daze. All the teasing and playfulness was long gone.
''I don't think I could ever do that, for that long, with Brittany. Sleep with other girls right in front of her.''
He nodded realizing this entire conversation was moving into much more serious territory than it had started out in. ''Is that why you two have been strange...you screwed someone else?''
''No. I haven't. I wouldn't and fuck you for thinking I would.''
''I'm not making a judgement, it was just a question,'' he said in his defense.
''Brittany seems to think that's something I might want to do. Screw around.''
''Well do you?''
''Fuck no,'' Santana said simply without a second thought. ''I mean why would I need to? Girls are amazing, girls are hot, but I don't need to sleep with anyone else to know that for me...Brittany is it. She's the one. And it's your fucking fault that she even has that thought in her head.''
''My fucking fault?''
''She and everyone else has it in her head that you and me are cut from the same damaged cloth. She's spent years listening to Justin talk about your relationship and all the shit that happened before you got your head out of your ass about loving him. She thinks that I might one day pull a Brian fucking Kinney because of the way girls are always looking at me. She pretty much told me I had permission to get a fuck or two out of my system and she'd understand and accept it.''
''I fail to see the problem there,'' he said in some lame attempt to make light, clearly joking.
But Santana wasn't laughing. ''That's the thing, Brian, I don't want to fuck anybody else and I fail to see how doing so would make me learn or know myself better. To me that's just scared empty bullshit. And I get it, that some people need to do all of that to get to the other side of love like you, but I don't need any of that cause with Brittany I'm already there...and now I don't even know if she sees it.''
Brian remained silent for several moments. Rendered speechless by her show of emotion. Someone like Santana wouldn't be vulnerable in this way unless it came from an honest place. A painful place.
He didn't know what to say or how to help, and even if he had she was sure she wasn't in any position to hear it. So he did the only thing he could do at the moment which was sit with her in a sad but not unpleasant silence as they both picked at their food. He even managed to swallow a few forkfuls down just to make her happy.
When they stood outside of the restaurant later she went to try to untie his bracelet from around her but for whatever reason he stopped her and told her to keep it.
''Why?''
He shook his head and shrugged. He didn't have an answer. ''Just keep it.''
''Again I ask why would I want your shitty bracelet?''
''If you're gonna be a bitch about it-'' he reached over as if to take it from her.
She pulled her wrist away. ''Wuh hey, I didn't say I didn't want it. Just want to know why it's so important to you that I have this.''
''It's not, it's just-look if you don't want it, it's fine I just thought-''
''Just thought what?''
''Nothing, I just thought nothing.'' He held out his hand again and made a weak grabby motion with it as if expecting her to hand it over.
''No, it's mine now,'' she said, tickled.
The bracelet obviously meant a great deal to him and though he didn't say why she got the sense that him handing it over to her was somehow significant. Of what she wasn't sure, but she saw the weight of the gesture in his eyes.
''Fine. Good. Your breadsticks are still for shit though.''
X
''She hates me,'' Brittany moaned dramatically as she splayed herself across a couch while behind her Melanie and Lindsay went about organizing their personal library in their home, unpacking and sorting several boxes of books onto large floor to ceiling shelves.
After Santana practically ran out of the loft that morning Brittany had slinked around Liberty Avenue until she ended up at the couple's house, having mindlessly wandered there. The married pair had taken one look at Brittany's adorable puppy dog expression and sensing something was wrong had invited her in for lunch. It was after they devoured a couple of sandwiches that they all moved into the living area where they attempted to decipher why Brittany was in such a joyless mood. It didn't take very long for Brittany to let it all come tumbling out of her mouth though.
She relayed to them the whole argument and moved, turning her body so she was sitting backwards on the sofa in order to face Linds and Mel as they shuffled books around. Brittany let her chin rest on top of the couch and let her hands dangle down the backside of it.
''...She doesn't hate you,'' Lindsay insisted with a laugh. She was very aware she was dealing with a very sweet but a very over dramatic teenager. ''In fact I'm pretty sure Santana is in love with you. I just think she needs a little space.''
''I know but I was just trying to give her the option of, of, of something else. I just wanted her to know that I wouldn't hold it against her if she needed to explore herself in that way.''
''And maybe if that was something she wanted for herself she would've said so before you began,'' Melanie interjected gently as she held a pile of books up to her chin.
''And the fact that she didn't probably means that it never occurred to her, being with other girls, when she has you,'' Lindsay added.
''And like that's a part of it,'' Brittany said, ''if it's never occurred to her how does she know she doesn't want it.''
''Listen, Brittany, I like your girlfriend I do,'' Melanie laughed, ''but she's an annoying little shit half the time...and yet when she's with you she's the most loving, devoted, smitten little shit I've ever known. Anyone with eyes can see that.''
''She's right you know,'' Lindsay agreed with her wife and then looked down at a book in her hand. ''Ew why do we own a Stephanie Meyer book?'' she tossed it at her wife.
''Hey! Don't throw that trash at me,'' Melanie laughed and slapped it out of the air in disgust. ''I think that was a joke gift from my old assistant one year.''
Lindsay flapped her hands around and, as if she were picking up a dirty diaper, went to dispose of the ghastly thing in a nearby trash bin. ''Anyway what were we saying?''
Melanie held her index finger up as she got their conversation back on Brittany. ''Here's my point in all of this, Santana has never struck me as the kind of girl who gives a shit what anyone else thinks, she struck me as the kind of girl who tends to do whatever the hell she wants. And if she wanted to explore dating or sex without you, Britt, she probably would. If she hasn't it more than likely means she really honestly doesn't give a shit about any of those things or any of those other girls.''
''Right,'' said Lindsay. ''And even though you weren't making that call for her it probably felt that way to her at least in the moment. Feathers might have gotten ruffled and feelings might have gotten hurt, but Santana will come around. Frankly I don't think it's possible for her to stay away. She just needs a minute so give her that.''
Brittany frowned. Heartbroken. ''She said that I was the scared one...and you know what, maybe I am.''
''Then if that's true you need to work that out for yourself before you expect her to work it out with you,'' Melanie encouraged. ''Whatever it is, wherever it comes from, you don't just owe it to her to figure out, you owe it to yourself.''
Brittany knew they were right but she still playfully pouted. ''You're both Team Santana aren't you?''
''No,'' Lindsay scoffed and went to poke at one of Brittany's cheeks as if she were a giant toddler. ''Mel and I never take sides in things like this. We're both Team Brittany and Team Santana.''
''Team Brittana,'' Melanie affirmed their affection for both of the younger women and their relationship.