Once again sorry for the wait. This has been on my computer for months, I've just been lazy and haven't touched it. Work and life has been crazy stressful and then my podcast team ran into some issues and my focus went there for a bit. I have no excuses. Still there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of this fic.
Fun fact: QAF's Mysterious Marilyn from Chapter 5 reappears here. Years ago when I first started imaging this fic I originally thought I'd have the character make small appearances every few chapters but after some thought ultimately I decided against that. In QAF Marilyn only ever appears twice (in 1x10 she meets Michael, Brian, Emmett, Ted and Daphne at Woody's and in 2x11 Leda arranges for Melanie and Lindsay to get a reading before their wedding) and in some roundabout way I thought having her only appear twice within this fic would somehow keep her mystique intact. She only ever has two conversations in this fic, one with Santana and one with Brittany. And having Mysterious Marilyn only interact with Brittana, it just seemed to give those conversations more weight and even a kind of magical quality too if you will. I loved the idea that Mysterious Marilyn got to interact with them individually and that those interactions were just theirs and theirs alone. Like they were these cosmic meetings meant to happen one on one.
Does that make sense? I don't know if I'm making sense.
X
You could be happy, and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
Snow Patrol
X
The next few days seemed to pass agonizingly slow for Brittany.
It was like she and Santana were transported back to before when they existed in some kind of limbo together. Santana seemed quietly keen on keeping just that little bit of distance between them. So much so in fact that they had barely had any one on one time with each other. They still woke up and went to bed in the same loft of course but somehow every day Santana had subtly managed for one or even several of the Liberty Avenue gang to have reason to orbit around them. Whether it was dinner at Debbie's or a mani/pedis with Emmett or shopping with Daphne, it just felt like Santana was just being extra careful to not be alone with her.
It was kind of making Brittany itch with frustration.
Not that she didn't love hanging out with the others, she just missed that special intense kind of intimacy that she and Santana had always shared. It wasn't even about wanting things to get naked between them (okay it was a tiny bit about wanting things to get naked between them), it was mostly just that she longed for those nights when it was just the two of them, laughing and talking about nothing and everything, in bed or in the kitchen or in the corner of some club. It was those moments where whatever they were doing, where ever they were they found a way to make their own little universe. That kind of intimacy, their kind of intimacy.
Santana had always been amazing between the sheets. And out of the sheets. And in the shower sometimes too. Also table tops. Not to mention that one time on the piano in the choir room, Brittany reminded herself, but being together that way has never just been about orgasms. Touch was how they talked to each other, it always had been. For them it was the most intimate form of communication and to not be able to feel that, to not be able to have their bodies talk to each other that way felt so very strange, so very wrong to her.
It was a strange place to be, or not be, or whatever, thought Brittany.
On this night Brittany had just stepped out of her jeans when she caught sight of Santana padding out of the bathroom in her short black robe.
They caught each other's eyes and there was the briefest of pauses.
There was another thing Santana had suddenly taken to doing: wearing clothes to bed. Usually she slept in her underwear or sometimes even less. Brittany supposed it was a part of that whole putting a little space between them thing Santana insisted they do. By putting on sleep clothes Santana was creating a very subtle physical barrier between them. Brittany sorta kinda understood it. Of course it was a little bit easier to mourn the loss of their sex life when Santana went to bend over in front of the closet space and dig through the drawer located at the bottom which in turn gave Brittany the most perfect view of the most perfectly round ass.
''What are you doing?'' Brittany asked, her mouth hanging open slightly in appreciation.
''Looking for something to sleep in. How is it possible that I don't own more than two plain tee shirts? Ugh, next time we're at Mel and Lind's remind me to steal some will ya?''
''You don't have to do that you know.''
''Fine, I won't steal from Mel and Linds.'' Santana continued her search, carelessly tossing some of her body contouring outfits over her shoulder and onto the floor.
''No, I mean put clothes on for bed.'' Brittany pulled the sheets on her side of the mattress down and slid in.
Santana stopped what she was doing and stood up to face her and Brittany immediately regretted interrupted her girlfriend's search because if Santana had bent forward just an inch or so more Brittany would've been able to see right up that short little robe and-
''I know, I just felt like it that's all.'' Santana shrugged lamely.
''What are you talking about? You hate wearing clothes to sleep, you say it makes you feel all weird and constricty. Whenever you've tried to you get all kicky in your sleep trying to comfortable.''
''It's not so bad.''
Brittany gave her a small sad smile and shook her head in disbelief. ''Come here.''
Still in nothing but her panties and robe Santana began crawling onto the bed, walking on her knees until she reached Brittany who pulled her on top of her and into a single soft kiss that made Santana hum from above her. She let her body fall down to blanket Brittany's, adding just the slightest most delicious pressure against her. Brittany so missed this, feeling Santana all around her.
''We can still be close like this can't we,'' Brittany said, and punctuated her sentence by placing another kiss on her jawline. ''We can still touch each other right?''
''Of course,'' Santana answered with a nervous sounding tremble in her voice.
''You didn't say anything about us not being able to make out.'' Brittany pointed out and Santana really didn't have an argument against that as her eyes fluttered closed and Brittany's lips started down her neck.
''I didn't.''
''And like you also didn't say anything about us not being able to hold each other, or touch each other, right?''
''Right.''
Santana whimpered, sounding happy and helpless as Brittany's mouth ran across her skin. She still needed touch and judging by Santana's heavy breathing and her quickly pulling Brittany away from her neck to deliver a hungry hot kiss, so did she.
Her kiss tasted urgent.
Brittany could always tell what their night was going to be like just from the way Santana kissed her. The way her mouth sought her out. It was in the taste, something on Santana's tongue always gave her away. It was a taste like nothing else Brittany had ever experienced. Certain kisses begged for slow, for tender, for gentle, while other kisses cried out for urgent, for heat, for fire. It was the kind of intimate knowledge that came with having had someone hundreds of times, and yet the taste of Santana's many kisses never seemed to get old, never stopped surprising and exciting her.
And what Brittany tasted now was a kiss that told her Santana was on the brink of a frenzy. It had been days since their bodies were pressed against each other like this, days that felt like centuries to Brittany. It was almost impossible not to give in to that pull that was so very magnetic. It felt like her hips had a mind of their own.
Santana's hands started drifting over her, through her blonde hair, down past her shoulders, teasing and tracing abs, over and around, they finally came to stop to cup her butt. Brittany could only moan in appreciation, she loved when Santana got all cute and gropey. Santana had always been particularly fond of her ass. It also didn't hurt that their kisses were becoming a little more rushed and eager, nipping and licking, desperate.
''We should-we should stop,'' Santana said after several minutes, pulling her mouth away with a loud noisy wet sounding pop. She lifted her upper body just slightly using her arms to support her as she hovered over Brittany's form.
Brittany however had a hard time concentrating on the words coming out of her mouth because the sash from Santana's robe had somehow became loose and untied, leaving a strip of tan skin on display. ''Huh?''
''Britt, I need to stop.'' Santana looked down at herself, at her askew robe, at Brittany writhing beneath her and shook her head, horny and frustrated.
Brittany allowed a hand to slip beneath the smooth fabric to find a breast and give a squeeze. ''This isn't sex.''
''No, I know, but...''
Santana licked her perfectly kissable lips and sat up further, untangling from Brittany, yet not bothering to tie her robe sash back into place. She just sat there looking like she was seconds away from spontaneous human combustion. With lust in her eyes Santana was practically vibrating and Brittany automatically flew into comfort mode.
Brittany straightened herself, worried. ''What's wrong?''
''I don't think you understand how much I...'' Santana took a gulp of air and suddenly looked dizzy and drunk, but not from any kind of alcohol.
''How much you what?''
''How much I want you. It's like right now I'm trying to talk to you but it's kinda difficult to do because all I can think about is how I want to lick the insides of your thighs and if I just keep kissing you and letting you kiss me...that's what it's gonna turn into.''
Brittany bit her bottom lip. She honestly wouldn't mind having her thighs licked, but, ''okay, okay, so what do you need?'' she asked calmly and with a nod.
Santana slowly stood up and got out of bed and went to hug a pillow to her front, like she was some teenage boy hiding her bits. ''Tonight? I think I need to sleep on the couch.''
Before Brittany knew what was happening she was letting out a strange sputtery sound of confusion. She couldn't be serious. ''You can't be serious?'' she laughed, stunned.
''Just for tonight. I think I just need to cool off before I do something I really regret.''
Brittany blinked.
''Britt, please don't pout. When you pout I just wanna do things to that pout and that's a bad idea right now.''
''I promise you I can control myself,'' Brittany reasoned softly.
Maybe orgasms were off the table but not being able to even sleep beside Santana made her feel so far beyond sad. Even if she couldn't have Santana in the way she most wanted her she at least needed to feel her beside her. The living area was just a stone's throw away but it all of a sudden felt like a million miles.
''No, it's not you,'' Santana said. ''I love when you touch me, I love when you kiss me and hold me, and I love when you use your tongue to, well you know, but this isn't about you not being able to control yourself. It's me. It's me. Maybe I'm afraid I can't control myself.''
''I know you want us to hold off on the orgasms for a little while and I get it and I'm okay with that but that doesn't mean we have to be robots around each other like R2D2 and C3PO who by the way were totally gay for each other but couldn't act on their feelings because of the dictatorship of the Empire.''
''We're not, I'm not,'' again Santana feigned nervous sounding laughter. ''But I think I need to cool off because if I don't I'm gonna end up fucking your brains out and even though I'm sure it'd be so damn good, I just think it'll make things weirder or more awkward afterward and I don't like doing weird and awkward with you, Brittany.''
''I don't like doing weird and awkward with you either but you're talking as if you're some wild beastly creature, Santana.''
''Maybe I am.'' Santana chuckled awkwardly.
With a deep breath Brittany crawled across the bed and gently tugged at the pillow Santana was holding to her front and tossed it back to the mattress. Then she reached forward to pull Santana's body towards her. It took all the willpower she had but she took both ends of the sash from her girlfriend's robe and without a single word began to tie the ends together, doing it up in a small loopy way. Even though what she would have rather preferred to run her tongue down that perfect exposed line of soft skin until she was on her knees in front of Santana kneeling and making her moan.
Damn her wildly creative imagination, Brittany thought for the first time ever.
''You're not,'' Brittany assured her, pulling them both back onto the bed. ''You're not some wild beastly creature and neither am I. Look let's just go to sleep. Can we do that? Please? Sleep together?''
''Sleep?''
''Just sleep.''
Brittany guided Santana to get comfortable on her side of the bed while she went to her own, wiggling until she was beneath the covers and then pulling the other side up and over Santana. They laid side by side, each of them facing the center of the bed.
''Just so you know even though I've always loved what we have under the sheets...if that's all we could ever be I would totally be sexless gay space robots with you.''
Santana smiled in the dim light of the bedroom. ''I know you would.''
''But only if I got to be R2D2,'' Brittany said through a long yawn.
''Why?''
''Cause C3PO was a dweeb, duh.''
''So you wouldn't want to be a dweeb but you'd date a dweeb?''
''I'm already dating a dweeb.''
''Goodnight.''
''Goodnight,'' Brittany replied.
She watched Santana turn over onto her other side and all Brittany could do was stare at her back, trying desperately to remember what it was like when Santana would pull her so close against her that Brittany could listen to her heart beat.
That night Brittany had some pretty vivid sex dreams.
Granted, in her dream she and Santana had been having gay robot sex in space, but still.
She had woken up all kinds of riled up which is why the first thing she did when she got out of bed the next morning was take a nice cool shower to settle herself down. She had taken a certain kind of delight then when she stepped out of the shower cube fifteen minutes later - naked and dripping wet - and found Santana standing nearby at the sink with a toothbrush in her mouth. She had stopped brushing and became statue still as she proceeded to eye Brittany up and down from head to toe and back again.
''Can you hand me…?'' Brittany trailed off as she made a wave to the counter behind Santana.
Santana blinked, looking dizzy and adorable. ''Wha?'' she asked with a slight lisp due to the toothpasty foam filling her mouth. Or maybe it was drool? Brittany wasn't entirely sure.
''Towel?'' Brittany tried again with a hint of a smile.
''What? Oh! Yeah.''
Santana grabbed a neatly folded bath towel and handed it over to Brittany who dabbed it against her face for a moment before wrapping it around her midsection. Santana turned back to the large mirror above the sink and began brushing her teeth again, this time with more vigor Brittany noticed.
''If you're about to hop in I should warn you I think I used the last of the conditioner,'' Brittany said as she went to stand beside her.
''That's fine. I was actually about to head out for a couple of hours.''
''Oh?''
''Just, the gym,'' Santana explained. ''I was going to go work out with Melanie for a bit. She texted me earlier this morning. I'll just take a shower there and buy some conditioner on the way home...I mean unless-''
''No, you should go. You guys should totally have a friend-date,'' Brittany urged and reached for her own toothbrush and paste and started brushing her teeth, although with a significantly less amount of foam than Santana. ''Just try not to snark each other to death.''
''Nah. You know you could come along to if you want.''
''Mmm, I think I'll pass this time. I just showered anyway and besides there's something I've been meaning to do for awhile so I might call Justin and have him help me with it.''
Santana raised an eyebrow at the cryptic remark but left it at that and went about washing her mouth out. ''Okay, but you'll be around later tonight right?''
''Where else would I be? Why?''
''I was just thinking we should do like a quiet night in the loft, just like get some movies and some junk food and, ya know, hang.''
Brittany's eyes brightened at the prospect of them having alone time together. She did a cute little toothpasty spit into the sink. ''I'd love that.''
''Yeah?''
''Yeah.''
''Okay, then I'll totally tell Mel today and she and I will text Emmett and Lindsay and everyone else and see if they're game for a movie night here or something.''
Brittany's smile remained but inwardly she deflated just a little bit when she realized Santana's idea of a quiet movie night in involved everyone else as well. ''Oh...awesome,'' she said with what she hoped wasn't an overly eager nod.
''I'll see you in a bit then.'' Santana went and picked up a small gym bag Brittany hadn't noticed before and began to make her exit though not before giving Brittany a peck on the cheek. ''Have fun with Justin.''
''Have a good work out,'' Brittany said watching her go.
Once she was gone she looked at her own reflection in the mirror, studying herself for a long moment.
Lindsay and Melanie had told her to figure out the why of it all and Brittany still wasn't exactly sure how to go about that, though she did have an idea.
It was the same idea she had a few days before when she and Santana had parted ways outside of the Liberty Diner to collect themselves and cool off. After a long night spent in the diner Santana had went back to the loft to catch up on her sleep but Brittany had used most of that afternoon and evening to wander around Liberty Avenue in search of something, or rather someone.
It hadn't really been planned or anything of the sort but after Santana had walked away Brittany started off on her own slow contemplative stroll around the neighborhood. She passed shops and cafes and felt a horrible ache in her heart each time a happy couple walked by her. Turning a corner in a solemn moment she had placed her hands in her pockets, it was then that she felt it.
It being a card. The card. Mysterious Marilyn's card.
The psychic drag queen had handed it to her on her and Santana's very first night on Liberty Avenue. Right before they had found the diner they had watched her stand outside of a nearby bar and hand out business cards to promote her newly opened shop where she gave readings and also sold a whole host of books and new agey items. Brittany had blinked down at the card which she had tucked into her pocket that one night as she and Santana sat down for dinner with Justin and Brian. She had forgotten all about it after that, so caught up with meeting everyone as well as learning her way around Liberty Avenue as a whole.
And so, that day she went on a search for Mysterious Marilyn's shop. If anyone could offer her insight on how to get things back to being right with Santana it would be Marilyn she had thought. If Marilyn was a psychic and somehow knew the language of the universe then surely she could help Brittany get her head back on right she figured. But after a few hours, several detours and exactly no help from Google Maps she had come up empty handed. She had been walking the avenue way into the evening when she had gotten the call from Justin and joined the Liberty Avenue gang at karaoke where she decided to serenade Santana in the hopes of showing her she was intent and making things right once again.
Today however with Santana otherwise occupied she was determined to find Marilyn for a real interaction. And since Liberty Avenue had been his home for so many years she figured Justin was the one to turn to to help her do just that. And so after getting ready for the day and calling him up they met up at the Liberty Diner where they picked up some to go coffees for their daytime adventure. Once back on the street she handed him the card, it took him a half second before he nodded and said he knew exactly where that address was and could take her there.
''Yeah,'' Justin explained as they walked together side by side down the avenue. ''It's in this tucked away hard to find little spot. I really only know the address because it's right next door to a tattoo and piercing parlor I've been to.''
Brittany couldn't stop the laugh and snort that came out of her. ''Oh my god that's right! You had a nipple ring for like two seconds when you were my age!''
Justin smiled but side eyed her, unamused with her giggles. ''Shut up, it's not funny!''
''It's a little funny.''
''Okay maybe it's a little funny too, but hey I was a teenager. It was a thing I was trying.''
''To impress Brian?'' she teased.
''No,'' Justin squeaked and then shook his head. ''Anyway since we're going to be there I hope you don't get any ideas about doing anything like that to yourself. I mean when you're 18 and of age you should of course do whatever you want with your body but if you go home after your summer with me with any new extra piercings I will never hear the end of it from your mom, or mine for that matter.''
''Nuh, I've never had any interest in piercing any of my naughty bits-''
''Please don't say naughty bits,'' he said with a little wince on his face. ''You're my baby cousin I don't want to ever have to imagine your naughty bits.''
''To tell you the truth my naughty bits have actually been kind of lonely lately. Sorta. I mean…'' she trailed off. ''Santana and I haven't really...in like...days.''
''You're serious?''
''Totally serious. Unfortunately.''
''But don't you guys do it like seven times a day, you're always bragging about it.''
''I know and we usually get plenty of each other but lately...we haven't exactly been…''
''Been what?''
Brittany shrugged. ''We're not anywhere near the brink of breaking up or anything like that but things have been...awkward I guess is the word.''
''Since you brought it up I have sensed something going on between you,'' Justin admitted with a sad little hum. ''And then when you sang that sad song at karaoke the other night I kinda put two and two together. I figured something was off...what happened?'' His voice became softer and more quiet with concern.
Brittany inhaled and exhaled. If there's anyone she could trust it would be Justin. ''We had a really, really tense conversation a few nights ago and now everything's kind of a mess. I kind of maybe made it a mess.''
Brittany explained everything with her head hung low and for his part Justin listened intently and didn't interrupt as if sensing how heavy her heart was. His support was silent and gentle and when it was all said and done all he could do was let out a long flustered sigh of his own.
''Do you really think all of that?''
''I don't know. Yes...maybe...I'm not sure. Part of me does a little but another part of me is starting to question just about everything. It's just that I remember how you would tell me about you and Brian and-''
''Yeah but you and Santana aren't me and Brian. You're you, she's her. I actually get the comparisons to a degree because there are so many and you and I and he and her are cut from the same cloths but to assume anything more isn't really fair to her.''
Brittany made a sad a small disappointed noise. ''I know, I do.''
''Does she know that you know?''
Brittany shrugged dejectedly.
''I'm sure you'll work through it.''
''I hope so.''
''I know so,'' he encouraged. ''Whatever it is, you'll find your way to the other side of it with Santana. I wish I could fix everything for you. I'm sorry I can't.''
''It's not your job,'' she said, appreciating his words all the same. ''I got myself into it, I'll work my way out of it.''
"In the meantime if there's anything I can do for either of you, you know I'm here for both of you.''
''I know.'' She gave his shoulder a friendly bump. ''And you are helping.''
''You really think Mysterious Marilyn is going to have answers for you?'' Justin wasn't teasing, he was asking out of genuine curiosity.
''I don't know. Maybe? Who knows. It's not like I have anything to lose. If nothing else it'll be a distraction to take my mind off of things with Santana.''
Justin hummed thoughtfully again at that and they carried on walking until a half hour later he lead them down the specific street Brittany had been looking for. They passed the tattoo and piercing parlor and a few storefronts down came to stop at the entrance to Mysterious Marilyn's shop. Justin offered to go in with her but Brittany shrugged him off and told him she wanted to do it alone. He took it on the chin and told her he'd simply wait for her down the block at an outdoor cafe and with that he wished her luck and gave her a supportive squeeze on the arm as he started off, leaving her there to study the outside of Marilyn's.
She took a breath and opened the door.
X
''I gots to say Melanie I really hope I'm as fit as you when I'm your age,'' Santana said as she and Mel hopped off a couple of machines at the gym and made for a nearby bench where they both took a seat for a cool down.
They had arrived at the neighborhood gym a couple of hours earlier and together had gotten to work. Santana was surprised to see how disciplined Melanie was in her workout, though she supposed she shouldn't have been since the slightly older woman did have a killer bod for, like, someone in their 30s. She had taken Mel's lead, following her routine which in the end left them both pleasantly exhausted and covered in a light sheen of sweat.
A little physical exertion was just what Santana needed. It had been a welcome distraction and even a sort of release.
Lord knows she needed it after this morning when she had went into the bathroom to brush her teeth but got a little sidetracked along the way and sort of kind of maybe watched Brittany shower through the steamy glass partitions instead. Santana had stared transfixed, watching as droplets of water cascaded down Brittany's body. How the water gracefully ran over her shoulders, gliding down all the way to the small of her back. It should be illegal to have an ass so fucking squeezable, Santana had thought that morning when a couple of suds travelled downwards on Brittany. It took everything inside of her not to shed her own clothes and walk right into the shower cube and join her under the spray of water. And yes, she may have had a million and one horny thoughts running through her mind but more than any of them she most wanted to walk into the cube to hug Brittany's body, to feel her naked chest press against Brittany's naked back. To feel that kind of intimacy.
She missed that the most.
Which was why she was here with Melanie, using exercise as a way to distract herself from the fact that her hands so missed touching Brittany.
''When you're my age? I'm not sure if that's meant as a compliment or some kind of dig at me,'' Melanie remarked through laughter before dabbing at her face with a small towel.
''It was a compliment,'' Santana said and took a gulp of water from a squeeze bottle. ''Seriously, thanks for inviting me. I really needed this. My mind has been in a million different places lately. It felt good to get my sweat on.''
''If you ask me exercise is the best kind of therapy and…'' she bounced her head about slightly as if searching for the right words. ''I got the idea that you could use some.''
Santana swallowed as she tried to decipher the other woman's comment. ''What made you think that?''
''Brittany paid Lindsay and I a visit.''
Santana's shoulders sank. She wasn't in any kind of mood for this. ''Oh?''
''Yeah. She said you guys were in a little bit of a rough spot.''
''I don't know what you're talking about.''
''Are you sure?''
''There's nothing going on,'' Santana said, this time a little sharply.
Confiding somewhat to Brian was one thing. But somehow going there with Melanie?
She and Brian had formed a very complicated layered relationship that truth be told she still herself didn't understand, but there was a mutual understanding there, of that she was certain. Even though she hadn't expressed everything to him about what was going on it had seemed enough in that moment, because with him things didn't always need to be said in order to be heard.
She liked Melanie, respected her, sure, but she wasn't about to vomit all of her feelings out at the woman. Not like this.
Melanie kept on though with a gentle tone. ''But if there was-''
''There's not. So drop it. Look whatever you know or think you know...I don't want to hear it. Okay? Because you have clue. Alright? And you never will.''
Melanie just took it on the chin, as if fully aware that Santana's suddenly chilly tone came from frustration that was rooted in something other than her. ''Probably not. That doesn't mean I can't listen. I'm not here to force you to do or say anything Santana. If you feel like talking, fan-fucking-tastic, if not, oh well.'' The woman laughed. She didn't appear to be all that put off or offended by the sudden wall Santana had put up. ''Because like it or not somehow me and you...we're friends now. We're more than friends.''
''Are you coming onto me?'' Santana asked with a chuckle, attempting to pivot the conversation in a more silly direction.
Melanie rolled her eyes as if she was dealing with a difficult child. ''I mean Liberty Avenue has always been home to me. It's a part of me and over the summer you've become a part of it.''
''And what does that mean? What? That you're my flannel wearing fairy godmother?''
''Jesus fucking christ your personality is exhausting,'' Melanie laughed. ''But you know what? Maybe I am. And Maybe Lindsay is too. And maybe after this summer ends and you go back to Lima you'll forget all about us. Maybe. And that's okay. But until then while you're here you're just gonna have to deal with the fact that me, her, as well as a whole bunch of other people care about your annoying little ass. If you don't like it, tough shit. Brittany came to Linds and me to talk and Lindsay and I just want you to know we're also here for you too, if you wanted to talk that is. That door is open for both of you. You don't have to talk to me about your feelings or your relationship or any problems that might be in it but the door is open just so you know.''
Santana chuckled mirthlessly. ''Why? So you can tell me how big of a bitch I'm being?''
''Hey Lindsay and I are on both of your teams alright. We'd never do that.''
Santana digested all that the woman had said and gave her a single slow nod of acceptance.
''I'm sorry for getting all…'' she started, her tone going soft at the realization that all Melanie was trying to do was offer her a shoulder, an ear. ''I just...me and Brittany...I want...it's not that I don't trust you or Lindsay, it's just…''
''It's personal and it's yours, I get that.''
''And if Brittany talked about things with you that's totally fine. That's who she is. She's open and that's how she works through things, but that's not how I operate, Mel. When it comes to feelings and shit I gotta work through them myself.''
Melanie accepted that. ''I respect that. But I'm here if you change your mind. Okay?''
''Okay.''
''And even if you don't feel like talking about it, I'm still around if you need to hang out for a distraction. Whether that means working out or grabbing some lemon squares at the diner together-''
''Or grabbing a drink and talking shit about Brian?'' Santana raised a playful eyebrow.
''Grabbing a drink and talking shit about Brian is one of my favorite hobbies so obviously,'' Melanie chuckled again. ''You're not alone here kid and I just wanted you to know that. In fact a couple of us were planning to visit the Liberty House Youth Center to sort out all the Snix night proceeds being donated and I was thinking you should really come with.''
''Yeah Emmett and Hunter told me that was happening.''
''You should really consider tagging along with us. Not only would it be a distraction, but a positive distraction. You could meet some people and maybe even do a little good which I know must be a foreign concept to you,'' Melanie joshed. ''I mean given your usual appetite for mayhem and destruction.''
''Yeah?''
''Yeah. There are a lot of kids out there who need help and what you and Brittany did with the comic, it's a big deal you should know that.''
''I really didn't do anything. Justin organized the charity event with Brian, Brittany was the one who created the story and made it what it was. I was just a physical model for the Snix character.''
''Nah, I don't think that's it.'' Melanie shook her head and pulled a sports drink from her bag to take a quick gulp. ''It's more than that. You were more than a physical model, you were dare I say it...inspiration.''
''Psh.''
''Hey, I wouldn't be saying it if I didn't believe it, Santana. Trust me, inflating your ego is the last thing I'd ever want to do. But...You and Snix are one in the same and I believe there's something in you that not everyone has - a fierce and brutal and brave kind of honesty - and there's power in that. In not backing down. Maybe it's something you've always had, maybe it's something new, either way I think Brittany was probably the first person to see it. And the comic was a way for her to explain what she sees to the world.''
''I think she just wanted to draw me in tights.''
''That was probably a factor, but it doesn't negate all the other stuff. You and her, what your generation is doing, it's going to change the world. You already are changing the world whether you even realize it or not. No matter how much progress has been made or far we've come the truth is being proud and queer in today's world is still a radical act of revolution. You simply existing is an act of revolution. And maybe you - Snix - are meant to do big things for your generation so that one day...one day the generation that comes after you will walk into a slightly more evolved world.''
''I never really thought of it like that.''
''So you should come to the youth center with us and meet some kids your age, get in touch with some of your generation.''
Santana nodded.
''Is that a yes?'' asked Melanie.
''It's a yes if that'll make this awkward ass heart to heart we're having come to an end.''
''Deal. Now let's go hit the showers because I feel disgusting as hell.'' Melanie threw her sweaty towel at Santana, stood up and began making her way towards the women's locker room.
Santana tossed the towel off of her face and shook her head with a chuckle.
Even though they liked to give each other a hard time for shits and giggles she really did have a great respect for Melanie Marcus who truly did take no shit. And that, well that was a personality trait Santana could get behind. Santana truly did admire the hell out of the bitch.
''Yo Marcus,'' Santana said to the woman's back. Melanie turned around and raised her brows, waiting. ''Whatever happens just so you know when I go back home I don't ever see myself forgetting you. Or Lindsay. Meeting you both. Knowing you both. I mean, for flannel wearing fairy godmothers you two are pretty awesome.''
Melanie grinned. ''I know. We are.''
X
Brittany blinked rapidly as she stepped inside and allowed her eyes to adjust to the lighting of the psychic shop.
Outside the sun was brightly shining, but inside of Mysterious Marilyn's shop it was dimly lit though not in a scary way, more so in a warm enchanting way. Almost like it was on another plain of existence with its shelves and displays of eclectic books and crystals and various items of mysticism. There was a certain kind of peaceful calming atmosphere to the place that put Brittany immediately at ease.
''Hello, how can I help…''
The greeting that Mysterious Marilyn began got stuck in her throat when she looked up and made eye contact.
''Well, well, well,'' said Marilyn as she stood from behind a counter where she had been organizing a shelf of books. She stopped mid-task. ''I've been waiting for you.''
Brittany gave the smirking drag queen a half smile and began walking forward. ''You have?''
Marilyn exclaimed in that friendly yet husky voice. ''Of course I have, Brittany.''
''How do you know my name?''
''Psychic remember,'' quipped Marilyn. ''I tend to know these things. I knew you'd be along sooner or later. I could never forget a smile as infectious as yours. You were on the street awhile back when I was on Liberty Avenue handing out business cards in front of the Liberty Diner, right?''
''I was, yeah. You're Mysterious Marilyn.'' Brittany pulled out the card, holding it as if it were some kind of valuable artifact. Marilyn bowed her head as if touched that Brittany had bothered to save it.
''Well I'd ask what brings you here but I have more than just a sneaking suspicion.''
''You do?''
''Honey, I am sensing a major negative upheaval in your aura.''
Brittany looked down at her clothing and adjusted her top as if that was what gave her away. ''You can tell that just from looking at me? Like from my energy or something?''
''Yes. Also your eyes are puffy from crying so that was kind of a giveaway too.''
Brittany's shoulders sagged at that but her spirit didn't have a chance to dampen because in a matter of a few short seconds Marilyn walked out from behind the counter to join her. "But don't you worry, you may be a little off center at the moment but you came to the right place for a little mystical direction."
Brittany squinted. "Mystikal like the rapper?"
"Mystical like a one on one psychic reading from yours truly,'' Marilyn clarified with an encouraging smile. ''It is why you came after all, for a little guidance?''
''Yeah.'' Brittany frowned and started to slowly walk around the shop, admiring the books and items on display and occasionally reaching out to examine or touch them delicately. She found a cushioned tray of what looked like crystals and traced a finger down one of the more impressive ones, marvelling at its shine. ''I guess I came looking for answers. The only problem is I don't even know what the questions are which makes it that much more confusing.''
Marilyn tutted. ''Tell you what, I was about to take my break. Why don't we not worry about questions and answers and you can join me. I'll fetch us something to drink...''
The drag queen then made a sort of whimsical flourish with her hand to a partitioned off corner of her shop that was set up with a clothed table and two chairs. The only thing separating the section from the rest of the place was two thick dark curtains that were currently tied back attached to the walls. The lighting was even more dim in there but still Brittany felt comforted by it. By every strangely beautiful item adorning the walls inside the little nook and the flickering of small tea light candles strategically placed around the space. It was like the place was made of magic and calling to her.
With ease Brittany found herself walking inside of it and sliding into a chair. She was immediately intrigued by the gothic looking crystal ball at the center of the table. This must be the place Marilyn did her readings Brittany concluded.
''Is this, like, how you communicate with spirits and other realms?'' Brittany asked with wide eyes as she pressed a single finger to the mysterious looking orb.
''What, this? Nah, I got this at Party City during their Halloween sale last year. It's mostly just here for decor,'' Marilyn admitted with a sheepish chuckle as she moved it aside to make room for a decanter and two coffee cups which she had quickly retrieved from somewhere. ''Cards are my forte. I'm a trained tarotion though I am partial to palm reading as well.''
''Really? That's so cool.''
''I sense that about you.''
''What?''
''That you're open to possibility.'' Marilyn poured liquid into each of the white mugs and slide one over to Brittany. Brittany smiled at that and accepted the drink though she did give it a cautious sniff. ''Don't worry it's chocolate milk,'' Marilyn said in a playful whisper.
''Thanks.'' Brittany took a long sip and thought for a long second. Even though she wasn't doubting the fact she was rather curious how Marilyn could sound so certain. ''How? I mean how can you tell I'm open to possibility?''
Marilyn took a sip of milk. Her pinky extended daintily. ''Have you ever picked up a phone to call someone only for it to ring and read the name of the very person you were about to call? Have you ever been able to predict something a split second right before it happens? Or have you ever had an intense moment of deja vu overwhelm you? That's the universe speaking. It doesn't speak to everyone and not everyone it does speak to is entirely able to hear it. But it speaks, not often but it does, it isn't so much in words as it is a feeling. A knowing. It was a knowing. I just knew when I saw you that night on Liberty Avenue with your soulmate.''
Brittany blinked. She felt a definite sense of comfort, that someone referred to Santana as her soulmate as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, and maybe for Mysterious Marilyn it was.
''My soulmate?''
''She was with you that night when I gave you my card. The girl with the dark hair and the gorgeous face, her.''
''Santana.''
''You and her weren't like everyone else on that crowded street corner. So many people lack color or shine, it's like they're made of dust, but you and her? You're made of stars. You and her descend from something endless.''
Brittany wasn't quite sure what any of that meant but she smiled in appreciation anyway. It sounded beautiful.
''She's always dark and you are always light and no matter who you are or what universe you're in you're always together,'' Marilyn sighed and looked up dreamily at her own words. She then shook her head about as she lowered her gaze back onto Brittany. ''But let's focus on you, shall we?''
And with that she took one final sip from her cup and then pushed it aside to hold out both of her hands, face up. Brittany waited for a moment before deciding to offer her right hand to the psychic to gently grasp and examine there in the middle of the table for a reading.
''You see these lines,'' Marilyn said as she traced along Brittany's palm. ''This is the heart line, the head line, the life line and the fate line and you can tell a lot about a person just from looking at them, depending on where they begin, end and connect. They speak to who you are as a person. Do you want to know what I see when I look at yours?''
Brittany nodded silently.
''Don't worry I'll be gentle,'' the psychic assured her and gave her hand a comforting squeeze. Marilyn then turned to squint and study Brittany's hand with an intense look of concentration on her face. It was as if she were reading a complex and complicated map.''I see you have a couple of faint lines here…''
''Is that bad?''
''No, not at all. They do indicate someone who can be a little bit aloof but that isn't exactly a negative trait.''
''Aloof?''
''You're a daydreamer, perpetually stuck with their head in the clouds. Some people might perceive you as being 'not all there' when really you just function on an entirely different level. Perhaps even a little bit restless but overall highly creative.''
''That's what my family tells me, and my girlfriend,'' Brittany noted in a pleased tone.
''You don't just see everything in color, you see everything in glitter.'' Marilyn furrowed her brows as she turned her attention to another line on her hand. ''I also see over here that you have a bit of an adventurous streak. You're free...You're free in ways others never will be.''
''What exactly does that mean?''
''You don't abide by archaic societal rules about who you can be or how you're supposed to act. You don't know shame. You just do, you just are. You're...you're…'' Marilyn scanned her palm even more closely. ''You my dear have a lion heart, fearless and full of swagger.''
''Yeah?'' Brittany actually felt a giggle bubble out of her. She could totally see herself having mad swagger.
''Absolutely. You believe in magic because you're made of magic. It's what it says right here.''
Brittany was quietly delighted with that little assessment which she liked to think fit her to a perfectly. She smiled. She felt warm inside. Marilyn must certainly be the real deal if she could so pin her personality down like this.
The psychic made a small hmmm noise as she carried on with her reading. ''Of course it also says that when it comes to love you can be quite selfish.''
''Wait, what?'' Brittany asked, thrown by that bit of information.
''This line here…''
''What about it?''
''It says you have tendency to be selfish when it comes to matters of love.''
Brittany didn't withdraw her hand from the psychic though it did stiffen in her hold.
Sensing an unease Marilyn spoke up to assure her. ''There's no judgement here, sweetheart, this is just what I'm seeing in your palm.''
''But that's not me though, I mean not really.''
''I don't mean to imply that that you're a bad partner, but your palm tells me-''
''No offense but maybe my palm is wrong?''
''Was I wrong about everything else?'' Marilyn asked calmly, gently. Brittany knew she wasn't trying to agitate her but it left Brittany a little irked all the same.
''No but that doesn't mean that this is true. I'm not selfish when it comes to love, or at least I don't try to be.''
''Honey trust me if you were a simple soul I would give you a simple reading - complete with flowery but false descriptions - but you're anything but.''
''Anything but what?''
''Simple. You're anything but simple, young lady. Magic isn't always rainbows and unicorns, lovely as they are,'' Marilyn explained with a tilt of her head. ''Neither is the universe and sometimes what it speaks isn't what we want to hear but everyone's a work in progress. Everybody has flaws and this just so happens to be one of yours my dear. You love connection and intimacy but you get so caught up in how things and feelings affect you that you can't always see beyond it sometimes and sometimes that leads to you losing sight of your partner, even if you don't mean to.''
Brittany swallowed.
''If you didn't want to hear from the universe why are you sitting across from me?'' Marilyn posed the question.
Brittany took her hand back slowly so she could briefly run both of them over her face, gathering herself for just a moment. ''I don't know why I'm here.''
''You know why you're here. I know why you're here. I felt the heartache and distress vibrating off of you the minute you walked in. There's something going on between you and your lady love.''
''There is and I came here because I don't know how else to fix it and if I'm being even more completely honest I guess I still don't really see what I did wrong in all of it. All I was trying to do was-''
''I don't need the details, honey,'' Marilyn said, laughing lightly. ''And if you're looking for me to give you easy answers or words to make everything right I can't give you that. That's not what I do here. Only you can mend what needs mending but you can't do that until you acknowledge something about yourself.''
''Which is?''
''Why can't you say it?'' asked Marilyn.
Brittany gave Marilyn a helpless looking shrug. ''Maybe because I don't know what it is.''
The psychic inhaled deeply and began to speak a little more firmly and somberly. Her method was never to make her guests or customers uncomfortable but the universe was speaking and Marilyn couldn't hold her tongue. Sure they came in handy sometimes but she didn't need cards, palms or crystal balls, to see this young woman's future or past.
''I see lockers and matching backpacks, linked pinkies and ponytails. I see a choir room and hear Fleetwood Mac. I see late night texts and tears. I see her pain and her longing. I see your waiting and your sadness. I see other people come and go, for you and for her. I see her trying, I see her trying so hard and I see you...pushing for things she wasn't ready for.''
Brittany blinked and pushed the beginnings of tears back. This, of all things, she hadn't been prepared for. She hadn't thought things would get this serious or intense. Then again Marilyn did say magic wasn't always rainbows and unicorns.
''Why didn't you walk after her that day?''
''What day?'' Brittany sniffled.
''The day she told you she loved you and only you.''
Brittany took a gulp of air but she really didn't have an answer.
Marilyn wrinkled her brow a bit as if trying to conjure up the images in her mind. ''You were standing at lockers that day, yes? I see lockers again and she was wearing this fabulous leather jacket which okay jealous by the way; side note you must ask her where she got it for me. And you, you were wearing some kind of tank top with a pirate kitten on the front. You had just come from English class and-''
''I know what class I was in and what I was wearing, you don't need to tell me. I remember that day. I remember everything about that day, okay,'' Brittany rushed to say, her voice trembling just slightly. She was shaken by the amount of details that had rolled off of the psychic's tongue with ease. Brittany blinked long and hard. ''But I don't have a reason for not walking after her. I should've but I didn't and I know that now. I pushed her to talk about her feelings and then she did and then I made the biggest fucking mistake of my life by not offering to give her what she was offering to give me. I know that was a mistake, I know that was bad. I shouldn't have pushed her like that or any of the other times. And god, there were other times. Maybe that was selfish, maybe I am selfish but I was only trying to do what was right for her...''
And it was then that it hit her, what she was saying.
Here she was repeating her past mistakes. Everything she had said to Santana that night in the loft, it was what Brittany always did. Pushing Santana's hand. Here she was again telling Santana that she needed to do something, pressuring her towards things she wasn't ready for or even want because it's what Brittany thought was for the best. Because it's what Brittany wanted. Because it's what Brittany asked her.
Here she was doing it all over again.
This was her asking sitting in Santana's bedroom that one night and asking her to talk about her feelings, only for Brittany to toss those feelings away when Santana finally poured them all out in front of her locker. This was Brittany handing her that Lebanese tee shirt and storming away when Santana balked at wearing it because she wasn't ready. This was Brittany breaking up with Artie and having Santana comfort her by privately serenading her and while she may have had the best of intentions she should have known Santana had been nowhere near ready for any public prom proposal on the internet. This was all of those and every other time Brittany had wanted to make decisions for Santana instead of just allowing her best friend to make her own choices about her own life.
Santana had needed to move and deal with everything at her own pace and in her own time because Santana was built differently. Brittany had never understood shame or fear so she had never quite understood how those things could paralyze a person's heart. How those things could devour Santana, Santana who in Brittany's eyes could do and be anything.
At the end of junior year she had realized how wrong and hurtful all of her pressuring and pushing had been and she had vowed to herself to never be that kind of friend again, to never be that kind of girlfriend again, but apparently old habits die hard. This summer was supposed to be their fresh start, a clean slate but she had fallen into her own routine again of telling Santana what she should do and how to do it. And why? Because Brittany thought she knew better, just like she had thought she had known better all of those other instances. And where had that gotten her? Where had that gotten Santana?
All of those moments had added up to almost an entire school year where they could barely look at each other without one of them ending up in tears.
Hell, even refusing to discuss Justin's attack with Santana just because she thought Santana wasn't in a place where she could emotionally handle it reeked of it all. Trying to call the shots for her girlfriend because Brittany didn't trust her girlfriend to make her own decisions about her own life, about what she could handle, about how much she could withstand emotionally.
That night in the loft Brittany had been convinced that she knew better, that it was what Santana needed and maybe even wanted on some level.
Except this time? This time Santana hadn't budged, she didn't simply bend to Brittany's whim. She stood firm in her place, refusing to give in to what Brittany thought was best and had even called the idea of a break bull. This time Santana hadn't wavered. She didn't just give Brittany what she wanted, she didn't defer to Brittany as her compass in her decision. And what had Brittany done?
Acted like she was the wounded party.
She had the most loyal, most beautiful girlfriend in the world and yet, she didn't trust Santana to know her own heart or what it needed, what it wanted.
It all came to Brittany there in a rush as she sat across from the psychic. She felt like she was going to cry and throw up at the same time.
How could she be so careless, how could she be so selfish.
''I'm sorry.'' Brittany shook herself out of her daze and looked up to find Marilyn's warm eyes. ''I think um, I think I need to go.''
''Honey are you okay?''
''No-yeah-I'm fine. I just remembered there's somewhere I need to be and I should get out of your hair.'' She rose from her seat and pulled out some cash and unceremoniously pushed it into Marilyn's hands. ''Thank you for sitting with me and for the milk.''
''I hope I didn't scare you.''
''No, no of course not. You've been nothing but inviting and I don't want to take up any more of your time.''
Brittany made her way out of the curtained area and started to walk across the shop to make her exit, all the while feeling like she was only seconds from completely losing it all.
''Wait, please,'' Marilyn called out softly and followed after her.
Brittany halted and turned around.
''I didn't mean to overwhelm you or make you uncomfortable.''
''You didn't. Like at all.'' Brittany sniffed. ''You told me that I believe in magic because I'm made of magic and if that's true then so are you. You're made of magic too. Good magic. You just opened some things up, things I hadn't thought about and I maybe sorta wasn't prepared for that. I'm not leaving because I'm scared or I don't believe. I just need some air.''
Marilyn nodded and approached. ''I met her you know.''
''Huh?''
''Your lady love, of course.''
''Did she come to here to see you?''
''Not exactly. She and I crossed paths and we had...a bit of a moment I guess you could say.''
Brittany didn't speak and she didn't question. Marilyn however continued, her voice and eyes going to that far away place as if the knowledge didn't come from her but from somewhere else. ''Her love isn't conditional or timid or quiet for that matter, her love is like a roar. It's loud and it's passionate and it's all consuming. That's how she was built, that's how she was made. Destined to only ever love you and because of that she loves with everything she is. She loves you. More than she can stand, more than she can ever express. Even if she can't always say it it's there burning inside of her and only for you.''
''She told you all of that?''
''No. The universe writes the script, sweetie, I just say the lines. Like I said you and her come from something endless. In every world, in every universe, in every lifetime it will always be the two of you. You are always young and you are always beautiful and you are always-always dancing. It's a complicated dance though. It isn't easy. There's pain and there's longing and there's tears but given the choice you will always chose this dance with each other, more than anything or anyone else. From the beginning of time to the end of time that's where you'll both exist, in that constant never ending dance with each other.''
Marilyn took one of Brittany's hands and pushed the money back into her palm.
''What are you-''
''Hush. This one was on the house,'' Marilyn explained. ''All that I ask is that whatever you saw or thought back in that room, you figure it out and face it head on. Make it right for yourself. Make it right for your girl.''
Brittany nodded. ''Maybe I'll see you around Liberty Avenue?''
Marilyn gave her a sad smile as she gave herself a moment to contemplate. ''I'm afraid we don't see each other again, in this life anyway.''
''Right. Then until our next life I guess.''
''Until our next life,'' Marilyn said, grinning. ''Go on now, young lion.''
X
Random thing: I've often thought about vidding brittana to You Could Be Happy because the xylophone sounds feel very innocent and Brittany-esque. I don't know, the song's very important to me for a number of reasons and if you only check out a handful of my suggested tunes this should be one of them.