And if it all goes crashing into the sea
If it's just you and me
Trying to find the light
Like ships in the night
You're passing me by
- Mat Kearney
X
Hours later Brittany was still a little unsettled by the emotional avalanche that had hit her at Mysterious Marilyn's shop.
She had been quiet with Justin afterwards. They had exchanged a glance that told him everything he needed to know. She had never been more thankful for their silent but strong connection. She had found something in the psychic's presence, something that looked like she needed time to sort out her head. Understanding completely he gave her a hug and quietly reminded her that he was a phone call away if she need him again and with that he left her to do what she needed to do which was process, and so she did as she began strolling the sidewalks of Liberty Avenue on her own.
The universe had to speak that to her through Mysterious Marilyn, and when it did it came at her in an instant. She felt it in waves, the flood of emotions.
How could she have done all of those things and not seen it for what it was: selfish.
And more importantly, how had she gone so long without apologizing to Santana for every single instance?
The entire time they had been on Liberty Avenue she had been so focused on making sure Santana took the necessary steps to better and know herself that Brittany had never actually stopped to consider that she still had growing to do as well. And a part of that growth was finally admitting to herself that she could sometimes push and pressure the person she loved the most in the entire world.
While junior year felt so far away in her mind the truth was it was only a few short months ago. There had been a lot of things she had needed to do and say and feel on her own during that period of time where they were giving each other space, and maybe not all of them had been nice or pleasant but they had all been in one way or another somehow enlightening.
But then again on the other end of it she had also done a lot of things wrong junior year too.
Telling Santana that she should give herself the option to see who else was out there because Brittany thought it was the only way for Santana to know what she wanted - that was Brittany trying to call the shots again. That was Brittany thinking she knew better. That was Brittany again not trusting Santana to make her own choices. Whether it was about coming out or wearing a tee shirt in front of the glee club or dating other girls, none of those things had ever been her call to make in the first place. They could never be her decisions to make but she had felt compelled to make them hers and each and every time it had blown up in her face because each and every time it pushed Santana towards things she wasn't yet ready for.
And here she had finally come to the realization that she had been doing it all over again because of her stupid assumptions when a better partner, a more selfless partner would be able to look into their loved one's eyes and take their words to heart, about what they wanted or didn't want for that matter, what what they were ready for, or not ready for.
Santana deserved a better selfless kind of love and Brittany had moments where she couldn't see that she wasn't giving that to her best friend, her girlfriend, her everything. And for Brittany there was no greater heartache than finally coming to grips with the fact that she had at times failed Santana in that way because she was so focused on her own wants or her own fears.
And the truth was she was afraid.
She had been afraid that perhaps there was a possibility that Santana was with her because in a town like Lima there weren't a lot of options and Brittany was simply there. But here on Liberty Avenue it was abundantly clear there were plenty of other people out there, plenty of other girls out there. Plenty of other cute, smart girls who probably knew a lot more about the world than Brittany did, she thought. There was the thought and the fear that maybe once Santana realized what else was out there she wouldn't be able to look at Brittany like she had before, like she hung the moon.
Without Brittany holding her back what would Santana do, who would Santana become she had started to wonder and she let that wonder turn into fear and she let that fear overtake her to the point of pushing Santana into a corner Santana didn't want to be in.
Brittany walked aimlessly about until she found herself sitting at the counter in the Liberty Diner. She stared dejectedly at the tabletop as all of these new thoughts and realizations swirled around inside of her. Santana had told her to figure out her head and now that she had it left Brittany feeling quite literally sick to her stomach.
''You look like a unicorn that's lost it's horn,'' Debbie cracked as she suddenly came into Brittany's view. The older woman came to stand behind the counter directly in front of Brittany. She gave her a smile but in return Brittany could only give her a sort of wince.
''Hey Debbie,'' Brittany said quietly.
Debbie immediately picked up on Brittany's mirthless tone and became concerned. ''Hey now...why the frown Ms. Sunshine?''
Brittany tried to brush it off. ''It's nothing, I'm fine.''
''You don't look so fine to me,'' the older woman said and reached over to pat one of Brittany's hands soothingly. ''What's got you so turned around and looking so down?''
''Things. Stuff,'' Brittany sighed.
''Things and stuff huh?'' Debbie really was the mother of all Liberty Avenue and just looking at her soft expression made Brittany kind of desperate for that kind of comfort.
''I don't want to bother you.''
''You're not a bother. Besides I'm the one who asked. Whatever it is, it wouldn't have anything to do with your girlfriend who spent the entire night brooding in that corner booth over there a few days ago?'' Debbie inquired, trying to piece the situation together.
''Sorta. It's nothing she did though. '' Brittany made a lifeless gesture to her body, which was slumped on a stool. She wasn't her usual upright, bright self. ''It's not her. It's me.''
Debbie made a small contemplative noise and then popped her gum loudly. ''What about you? Hard to imagine you could do anything so wrong or unforgivable.''
Brittany took a deep breath and let the words fall out of her mouth. If she couldn't trust Debbie, the mother figure of Liberty Avenue, then who could she trust.
''You know, when me and Santana came to Liberty Avenue earlier this summer we were stuck in this weird place. In some strange limbo. I thought being in a place like this would be good for us...good for her. I was all about making sure she was where she needed to be and do what she needed to do for us to really be together but I never really thought about the things I needed to work on. I thought once she figured her heart out then that would be it, then everything would be good, that we'd be perfect, right? But I never thought about sorting through on my own junk.''
''Like?''
''Like how I've always somehow made her problems into my problems and her choices into my choices which, looking at it with clear eyes I can see is a totally poopy selfish thing to do to your girlfriend. To my girlfriend. It was a totally selfish poopy thing I did - continually did - to my girlfriend, and I hate this feeling.''
''What feeling is that?''
''I feel like some kind of imposter or something,'' Brittany said with a shameful shrug. ''Everyone takes one look at me and just assumes I'm this cute sweet innocent little thing and I play into that I'm not going to lie but the truth is I'm just as capable of being an asshole like everyone else. I'm not this perfect thing, I'm not this perfect person. I wish I was especially for Santana but I'm not and I feel like she deserves perfect and I don't always give her that.''
Brittany ended her outpouring with a sad little shudder. It felt good to let it out in a way but in letting it out it also made it more real and the more real it felt, the more remorse weighed on her.
''Honey.'' Debbie said and reached up to tap under Brittany's chin in a playful but encouraging manner. ''Chin up. So what you're saying is you screwed up with your girlfriend yeah?'' Brittany nodded. ''You're what, seventeen? Seventeen year olds screw up, that's normal trust me. Hell, thirty year olds screw up, forty and fifty year olds screw up. You're human and humans are messy.''
''How can I hold my chin up when I've been such a jerky jerk?''
''Well then stop being a jerky jerk. Simple.''
Brittany grumbled inwardly.
''You know what the worst part about this is?''
''What?''
''Even after all the times I pushed her to do things...Santana gave me her love anyway. She gave me her love anyway because that's who Santana is and that's how loves, with everything, selflessly. And me...I just took it selfishly without question and never thought to tell her I'm sorry for any of it.''
Debbie just gave her that safe, comforting motherly kind of comfort after Brittany let it all out. ''So what's stopping you now?''
''Stopping me from what?''
''From saying all of this to her. So you made some mistakes, so you screwed up somewhere along the way, as long as you realize you were wrong and can do better...all is not lost, kiddo.''
''Do you think I'm selfish?'' Brittany asked curiously. She wanted to know from someone who could be objective. ''With Santana?''
Debbie smiled and tilted her head in thought. ''Well, granted I don't know you as well as, say Justin, I can only speak from what I've seen. I don't know if I'd use the word selfish but...I think you like being the center of her universe. You like her attention, you like her doting, you like having all of her and I get it. Your girl may be a little snot to the entire human population of this planet but you're her exception. I think it'd be easy for anyone to get intoxicated by Santana's level of devotion if they ever had the chance to have it. I also think it'd be easy for you to get a little lost inside of that...and maybe inside of that you couldn't see your mistakes.''
Brittany nodded as she digested what Debbie was trying to express. ''That's just like a really fancy way of saying 'yeah you're totes selfish, Brittany' right?''
Debbie chuckled good heartedly. ''It's a fancy way of saying you've probably been chasing after this relationship for a long time and sometimes a person does stupid, selfish things chasing after something they really want. It doesn't mean you don't love her, it means you're a seventeen year old kid and you still got some learning to do. She may never ask you for an apology but that doesn't mean you shouldn't still offer her one.''
''And what if she doesn't want to hear it?''
''I have a feeling Santana will want to hear whatever you have to say.'' Debbie turned around and fiddled around on the counter behind her for a few short moments before turning back to face Brittany. This time with a to-go container filled with lemon squares. ''Why don't you go home and take these to her huh? You and her just need to have a good old come to Jesus together, that's all.''
The waitress slid the container over and into Brittany's hands.
''And don't come back until you've turned that frown upside down, young lady,'' Debbie insisted with a playful tut and a pinch of Brittany's cheek.
X
After her work out with Melanie, Santana had decided to tidy up the loft in preparation for everyone's arrival. She had told Melanie who told Lindsay who told Emmett who told Justin who told Brian they were all going to get together at the loft for dinner and a movie.
She started in the kitchen, simply clearing away surfaces and rinsing the handful of dishes and setting them out to dry. The dining area was already fairly neat but she went ahead and wiped down the diner table anyway. The sitting area wasn't too bad either. It was really just a matter of fluffing a few pillows and stacking a pile of magazines. There was a few articles of clothing tossed around that she gathered in her hands and carried to the bedroom. She stuffed the belongings in a drawer and quickly shut them away, but when it came to Brittany's things, well, she couldn't help but take a little time.
She kind of felt like a perv, holding and stroking one of Brittany's favorite shirts but she couldn't help it. It was like she was having withdrawals and she needed something, some little thing, some little fix to get her through. She put it up to her nose and inhaled slowly, savoring the scent of soap, and of something unnamed. Something Brittany. Clean and light and beautiful. Her heart constricted as she allowed the scent to overcome her.
All of this space between them was her own doing but it still hurt Santana like a motherfucker, to be so close to Brittany and yet so far away. She missed holding her, she missed touching her, she missed everything, the comfort and the closeness and yeah, the orgasms. The truth was it had only been a few days since they had last slept together but it felt like a million years.
It had been a long, long time since she had any reason to resort to it, but desperate times called for desperate measures. She still had a while before everyone showed up for movie night so she had some time on her hands and...hell, she fucking needed it she told herself as she found her way to the middle of the bed and reached for her phone. She opened her device up and moved through a series of folders until she came to a specific one that was filled up entirely with pictures of Brittany.
Brittany grinning, Brittany laughing, Brittany making random, silly faces at the camera. Santana smiled and blinked at each one as she scrolled through them all. Her fingers lingered longer on the screen as the pictures began to get considerably less wholesome and a lot more tantalizing.
It was a fun little thing they did sometimes, tease each other with pictures. Over the years Santana had accumulated dozens upon dozens and she had of course returned the favor almost as many times. There was nothing like that thrill of hearing her phone buzz and knowing that when she opened it up she'd be treated to something so intimate, so private, something Brittany did just for her.
In one it looked like Brittany was tracing her own abs with a fingertip and Santana's mouth watered at the thought of using her own tongue to follow the same path of skin. God she missed touching her.
Santana tried to satisfy herself but despite being ten kinds of horny and despite having plenty of pictures to work with, it just felt so very hollow to her. She couldn't just get off when all she felt was this sort of dull discontent. And nothing, no fantasy, no pictures, no dirty thought could compare to the warmth she knew firsthand that came with being with Brittany.
She closed her eyes and tossed her phone to the pillow at her side.
''You're pathetic,'' she sighed to herself.
She felt like she needed another shower and a cold one at that.
Instead she took an anger nap for an hour and then got up to get ready and changed into something casual but stylish. She had just stepped down from the bedroom area to the main floor when she heard the heavy steel door slide open to reveal Brittany.
''Hey.''
''Hey.''
Santana couldn't help but notice Brittany looked a little peculiar standing in front of her. She looked nervous and awkward as she placed a styrofoam container on the dining table.
''I uh got us some lemon squares for tonight. Did you just get home?'' Brittany asked.
''No I've been here for awhile. I cleaned up and changed. What about you?''
Brittany anxiously sucked her lips into her mouth. ''Huh?''
''Earlier today, you said something about needing to do something important. You were being all like cryptic about it. So. Did you get to do it?''
''Yeah. Yeah I did.''
Santana delivered a tight smile in response. She decided not to push for details. If Brittany needed to have a secret to herself for her own reasons Santana was more than willing to give her that. ''Good.''
Once again she heard that loud heavy door slid open, this time it was accompanied by the chatter and laughter of a group of people.
Soon Melanie, Lindsay, Michael, Emmett, Justin and Brian were walking in with food and drinks. Oblivious to the exchange the group loudly converged in the kitchen where they began to unpack their bags. There were a few traditional movie munchies in the mix but Justin and Lindsay were both toting large paper take out bags with the Breadstix logo on them and had apparently ordered a ton of dinner meals for the group.
Brittany and Santana went still and watched the scene in silence. They couldn't exactly have an intimate, private one on one with each other with the gang here.
''Is this okay?'' Santana asked and motioned to the group.
''Totally.'' Brittany waved off the idea. ''It's fine.''
''I know I was being a little weird and cautious last night...'' Santana started again, her voice going quiet so the others wouldn't overhear.
''No, you were totally right to stop us when you did. Things were getting heavy.''
''In a really hot way.''
''Still I shouldn't have tried to push it as far as I did. I guess I can get a little carried away when it comes to you.''
''Just so you know the feeling is mutual. I'm sure trying to fix things the naked way would be really fun, I mean god knows how many times we've tried that in the past but I'd rather fix things the right way.''
''I know, and me too. And we will. I promise you.''
''Here, Lindsay got you a bag full of barf,'' Brian said loudly as he came to stand directly beside them. He practically shoved a Breadstix take out bag into Santana's face, quite literally.
Santana reacted by snatching it away from him and peeking inside. ''This is lasagna.''
''Barf, lasagna, what the fuck ever,'' Brian said. ''It all looks the same to me when it comes from Breadstix. Eat it before I heave all over you both.''
Brittany took the bag from Santana. ''I'm going to put this on a couple of plates for us, yeah?'' Santana gave her an appreciative nod as she watched Brittany go off to join the others in the kitchen space.
And then it was just Santana and Brian standing together in the middle of the loft.
There was a long moment of silence until Brian began to open up another Breadstix take out bag in front of her and with raised eyebrows he produced a sort of bouquet of breadsticks wrapped up in paper. She raised her own eyebrows in return and broke a piece of one off to take a bite of it.
''Thanks,'' she said with a swallow.
He shrugged at her, brushing it off like it was nothing as he made his way over to sit on the large couch. ''Yeah well, the breadsticks were complimentary with every take out order.''
''Not for the breadsticks, I mean for the other day when we had lunch.'' Santana eased herself back to take a seat on a nearby as she recalled. She hadn't exactly been the most pleasant that day. ''I was going through something with Brittany...I'm still going through something with Brittany and I said a lot of judgy ass shit about you and your relationship with Justin out of frustration and who knows what else.''
He didn't appear to look too bothered. ''Yeah.''
''I'm just saying that wasn't right. You sat and listened even when I was acting like a shit to you for no reason.''
''You always act like a shit for no reason,'' he said in her defense.
''You know what I mean,'' she said with a quiet chuckle. ''What I said wasn't cool because however you and Justin came to be, what it took for you to get here-''
''It's none of your fucking business,'' he offered helpfully and with a lightness in his tone.
''Exactly, and it sure as hell wasn't my place to be questioning how you two got to be where you are now. And anyway being monogamous isn't the same thing as being committed and being committed doesn't always require monogamy. I should know that more than anyone.''
To be fair Santana had done a lot of her own running around to hide herself but when it was all said and done in each and every instance with each and every person there wasn't a moment that went by where her heart hadn't been committed to Brittany, even if it took her a million years to finally say it out loud.
She knew that after cooling down that she didn't have any place to judge anyone else's relationship or anyone else's journey or commitment. No doubt it brought her a lot of amusement to give Brian shit any chance she got, but to ever question what he felt for Justin or their commitment to each other...it was over the line.
Especially because it was as clear as day to her that if there was anyone on the face of this planet that was committed to someone with the same depth and passion as she was committed to Brittany, it was Brian to Justin.
Nevertheless he simply lifted a shoulder. ''I don't need your apology. I don't do apologies and I certainly don't do regret. You said what you said and I knew where all of that was coming from so don't sweat it. Just eat your bouquet of breadsticks and don't turn this into a Touching Moment.''
They exchanged small knowing smiles.
Later on though it then turned into a little bit of an ordeal getting everyone to settle down and find a seat once they had their food because the movie debate only intensified more. Emmett had been in charge of bringing a selection of DVDs and had personally recommended To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar while Daphne had found The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert in his DVD pile and declared it to be a much more superior film and more worthy to be their movie night selection. Soon everyone was piping in with their two cents and the lighthearted squabble erupted into silliness as they all laughed, shouted and used bits of half eaten breadsticks as ammunition on their friends.
''I'm just saying the musical numbers are way better in Priscilla!'' Daphne reasoned.
''And it is more critically acclaimed,'' Ted remarked.
''To Wong Foo isn't without it's many faults but it is a cult classic,'' Emmett said. ''I mean who can't identify with Ms. Chi Chi Rodriguez as she embarks on her journey from a drag princess to a drag queen!''
''I agree with Emmett,'' Santana raised her voice into the mix. ''Besides To Wong Foo has better characters.''
''Agreed,'' Brittany said.
''Definitely,'' Justin added.
Brittany nodded eagerly as she recited one of the movies most memorable lines. ''P to the R to the N to the S, I'm a princess.''
Wanting to get in on the funny Emmett and Santana shared a look. ''Oh that little latin boy in drag is crying, find out why that little latin boy in drag is crying,'' Santana said with the slightest hint of a southern accent.
Then Emmett with a weary bored drawl asked no one in particular, ''little latin boy in drag, why are you crying?''
''What?'' Michael squeaked in utter confusion.
''It's from the movie,'' Brittany explained.
Melanie however was getting bored of the back and forth stood up and grabbed the DVD from Emmett, approached the TV and shoved the disc into the player. On her way back to her seat she nonchalantly tossed the DVD box at Brian's head. It bounced right off and Brittany was quick to catch it.
For the next two hours they laughed and scarfed down. It was a ridiculous movie in a wonderful kind of way and by the end there were even a couple of them that shed a tear or two as they watched the stuffy small town stand in solidarity with the three stranded drag queens against the blustering homophobic cop. At the conclusion Emmett was full on bawling, blowing his nose like a horn. ''Honestly Swayze deserved an Oscar for his performance as the iconic angel that is Ms. Vita Boheme.''
While it was an interesting distraction and they had both definitely got some laughs out of it it was a relief when everyone called it a night, said their goodbyes and it was just the two of them again. They cleaned the place up, tossing bits of napkin and miscellaneous trash in the bin and making sure any leftovers were put away in the fridge.
''I feel like we've been cleaning for a hundred years,'' Santana complained once they were finished and had made their way to bed where she plopped down starfish style.
''It's been twenty minutes,'' said Brittany.
''Same difference. I had fun tonight though. I think I turned Mel and Lindsay into Breadstix fans. Gotta say, pretty proud of myself.''
Brittany stared down at her with a funny, almost sad expression on her face. It looked like she wanted to cry or say something or both.
''Are you okay?'' asked Santana.
''What?''
''You look...I don't know...off. You must be tired huh?''
''Yeah. That's it. I'm just totally tired.'' Brittany rubbed the back of her neck anxiously.
''Are you sure you're okay?'' Santana asked again, this time with narrowed eyes.
''I think I'm going to take a shower,'' Brittany announced with a deep breath. ''I feel like I need to wash today off of me but afterwards can we, I don't know, like…''
''What?''
''Talk?''
''Talk?''
''Yeah before bed I really want us to talk.''
''That's cool with me.''
Brittany swallowed the lump in her throat down and gave Santana a nod. She gathered a few of her things up and proceeded to the bathroom.
Brittany knew she needed to put herself out there and open up the conversation but she thought it wouldn't hurt to buy herself a little time. Under the shower spray she could cleanse her body and her mind and gather her thoughts before putting it all on the line. She just wanted a few minutes to prepare herself and put the words in order inside of her head so that when she sat down to say them out loud she could do so with certainty.
She didn't want to trip over her own tongue or run around in a circle trying to articulate herself. She wanted Santana to hear everything plain and clear and honestly.
She had made some major misteps and while Brittany had told herself to do better and be better for Santana the truth was, she had never really been held accountable for the mistakes she made in their relationship. Either Santana didn't see them or she didn't want to see them. And that, that was easy for Brittany, it was easy for her to play it cute or sweet or innocent and to avoid the fact that she, just like everyone else, could be hurtful and selfish.
It was easy.
But it wasn't right or fair.
Not to herself really but more importantly to Santana.
And that's why she had to do this. Because she didn't think she could go on without finally addressing the matter. Just the thought of sharing a bed with Santana without apologizing to her first made Brittany's stomach turn.
The bed, for them, was an open and intimate place, it's where they saw and shared the deepest most profound parts of themselves together, and sleeping next to the person she loved and had at one point continually hurt, that thought made Brittany's heart ache. She couldn't do that, she couldn't go to bed one more night without saying something.
She had to do this, she told herself moments later when she felt like she had found her nerve. She'd had a quick shower, toweled herself off and changed into her sleep clothes and started to march herself back into the bedroom, only to find Santana fully clothed and asleep.
So much for getting everything off of her chest, Brittany thought. She moved to adjust a piece of Santana's hair to the side, moving it out of her face. It felt like some quiet almost holy act but soon Brittany pulled her fingertips away. The last thing she deserved at this point was to touch Santana in any way. She did manage to move her just a little so Santana's body wasn't as bent uncomfortably. She pulled off her shoes and undid a few buttons and then pulled a sheet up to her waist.
Even with everything weighing on her and all of the feelings twisting and turning inside, Brittany she couldn't bring herself to wake her, not when Santana looked so perfect, so peaceful in slumber. She went to sit on the edge of the bed and stared down at her girlfriend's sleeping form. It had always been easy to get lost or transfixed by Santana like this, in the quiet and the calm. No matter how many times she had seen it before she would always be captivated by the way her dark hair reflected light and how Brittany's own hands always itched to reach out and soothe it into place.
The previous night she had been so desperate to touch Santana anywhere and everywhere but now just the thought of simply and innocently caressing her felt somehow...so wrong. It didn't feel right to touch Santana like this without making real and proper amends and clearing the air, clear eyed and with words. Until then Brittany wasn't sure she could bring herself to touch Santana the way she wanted to. After thinking it out she wasn't entirely certain she deserved that intimacy, that kind of tenderness until she found the words, until she said the words.
She made her way down to the couch and rubbed at her eyes. There was no way she was going to get any real sleep but if she did she thought it was best if she did it out here on the sofa. She found her phone and with the lights dimmed she checked a few things. She deleted several junky emails and texted her folks a simple quick message to let them know all was still going well, finally she opened up Justin's contact info and started a new message to him.
'I'm sorry if I was weird today or whatever. I just needed some me time after. Thanks for helping me find what I needed to find'.
She didn't expect to hear anything back, at least not right away. It was late and she thought he would probably be tucked up in bed already but to her surprise she saw him typing a few seconds later.
'You don't have to explain. Just glad I could help. I'm here for you.'
She smiled sadly and placed her phone face down on a cushion. She was about to lay back and try to get some rest when she felt her feet make contact with something just underneath the coffee table. Curious she leaned forward and blindly searched with one of her hands to feel what it was. It felt like a stack of papers or a magazine but it was only when she pulled the item out properly that she saw it was neither. It seemed Justin's high school notebook, the one she had gotten from Debbie's house, had been placed down there and forgotten about.
Brittany didn't know why she opened it up again but she did. She flipped through it again, start to finish, and even skimmed through the loose stack of sheets at the back and it was there in those loose sheets amongst Justin's other work that she saw that face again.
Number 68.
Chris Hobbs.
Her hand curled up into a fist, crumbling the drawing of the asshole along with it until she stopped.
Because this, she realized, was another thing that she needed to address. She had intentionally kept this, this story, this part of Justin's past, this part of her family history away from Santana because she thought it was the only way to protect Santana.
As if Santana had been some delicate little thing who couldn't digest and handle the truth.
And maybe that, maybe this, was where Brittany needed to begin.
X
The next morning Brittany woke up when she felt warm lips ghost against her temple.
''What is-what time is it?'' she groaned as she peeked her eyes open and found a wide awake and fully dressed Santana sitting on the coffee table across from her.
''Eight,'' Santana answered.
Brittany rubbed the sleep from her face and sat up stretching. ''Where are you heading off to and why didn't you wake me?''
''I wanted to let you sleep in and I figured I'd get out of your hair today so you can have some, I dunno, alone time or whatever.''
''Why would you think I wanted to be alone?''
Santana pulled a strange wince onto her face. ''I mean...I woke up in bed alone this morning and found you sleeping here on the couch.''
Brittany shook her head frantically, trying to explain herself. ''No, I'm sorry. Me sleeping out here didn't have anything to do with needing space from you. That's so totally not why I was out here.''
''Hey it's okay.''
''So like where are you going,'' Brittany circled back to her initial question. Santana who usually dressed to the nines was sporting a pretty casual outfit which made Brittany more than a little curious. She was wearing snug jeans, boots and Melanie's flannel.
''The Liberty House Youth Center,'' Santana answered. ''I brought it up to you a few nights back. Mel told me we raised like a crazy amount of cash for them with the comic and Snix Night, like not just enough to keep the lights on but enough to fund a couple of new programs. And remember I mentioned earlier how I was talking to Hunter, he told me he volunteers there sometimes with Emmett. I don't know…I kind of want to check it out and see what it's all about. Maybe volunteer for the day.''
''Volunteer?''
''So I'll be gone for a few hours.''
''Wuh, I'll go with you.'' Brittany scrambled to stand up and hurry her way up to the small stairway to the bedroom. ''Let me brush my teeth and it'll take me like two minutes to get dressed.''
''You don't have to go, Britt.''
''Why wouldn't I want to go?''
Santana followed Brittany back to the raised bedroom and stood at the entrance. ''Well you kind of didn't seem too interested in it the other night when I brought it up.''
Brittany paused her rummaging about for clothes and was instantly remorseful of how dismissive she was that night. She took a deep breath and nodded solemnly. ''I was...I was being silly that, totally in my own head. I know I shrugged it off then but it sounds like a great place that does important stuff. I want to go and learn about it with you, if you're okay with that, that is.''
''You do?''
''Totally. I do. Let me change and I'll be out in a flash. Don't leave without me, okay?''
Santana seemed pleased. More than pleased as she smiled that sweet chipmunk smile of hers that made her cheeks look red and full. She stepped down and back into the main area of the loft and left Brittany to ready herself for the day.
It was true Brittany had brushed off the idea a few nights before right before Santana had stormed out of the loft, but Brittany's shrugging off had more to do with her own moody funk that night than anything else. But here and now, clear eyed she it might do them so good anyway, she thought, to get out of their own heads and do something meaningful with their time. Hearing how excited Santana sounded at the prospect of volunteering made her feel all warm inside. Underneath it all her girlfriend had the most giving selfless heart.
Once they were ready for the day they headed out into the sun and with directions in hand they navigated their way through Liberty Avenue, walking through the neighborhood for a good half hour until they came to their destination.
It was a clean three story brick building with a bright sign in the grass that read Liberty House Youth Center. There wasn't a huge yard but what little there was, was green and lush and beautiful. There was a small staircase that lead to the main walkway. It was on these steps that they found Emmett, Ted, Hunter and Melanie shooting the breeze with each other and waiting.
Once they made their way inside they were quickly introduced to a few people, one of which appeared to be especially close to Emmett.
''Santana, Brittany, this is my very good friend Heather,'' Emmett began, making a wave at his buddy, a friendly looking dark haired woman who came to hug his side fondly. ''She helps run this place and does a lot of work with our youth. She and I go way back.''
Emmett's friend, Heather, side eyed him and remarked dryly. ''We were each other's beards for like five minutes back in the day.''
''Yeah, it was not a super pleasant time in either of our lives but we did get a pretty awesome friendship out of it.''
''That we did,'' Heather conceded with a laugh.
Emmett smiled his sweet smile. ''We both got busy with life but once a month we do try to get together to hang out.''
''Which reminds me you and I are totally on for golf next week. I'm so finally going to teach you how to play.''
''Golf?'' Emmett scrunched up his face.
Heather nodded with a playful roll of her eyes. ''You promised, come on, you can even wear a jaunty hat with a furry ball on top of it.''
''You know I can't resist a jaunty hat,'' Emmett sighed and then shook his head about as he remembered the others standing about with them. ''We'll do a golf date together but only on one condition, Ted, Melanie and I have some boring financial stuff to sort out with a couple of administrators here and I would consider it a huge personal favor if you could show my new friends around the place.'' He motioned to Santana and Brittany with wiggling fingers. ''Give them an idea about what you guys do here. Maybe even put them to work.''
With raised eyebrows Heather looked to each other them. Brittany found herself nodding along with Santana, they were obviously up and open for the experience. ''Of course, if they're game I'm game, I'll show them around.''
After a few more minutes of chatter between them all Melanie, Ted and Emmett walked off with a couple of other people who worked at the center towards what looked like a meeting room.
With all of the proceeds raised for the youth center there were certain financial matters that needed to be discussed and tended to and Emmett had been entrusted with delivering the good news and important details and what with Ted being an accountant and Melanie being a lawyer they had tagged along to offer any insight they might have about how the center could best utilize and protect such a large donation and make it work for the Liberty House Youth Center and more importantly the kids.
With the three of them off to talk about the boring points of it all that left Brittany, Santana and Hunter standing with Heather. Hunter, having a familiarity with the place and the programs it provided the community, seemed content to remain silent and walk behind them as Heather started walking in step with Santana as well as Brittany. She spoke as she went about guiding them through the building. She showed them their activity room, their library, even a couple of common rooms decked out with couches and chairs where a handful of young people were sitting on the floor playing board games on a large low coffee table, the kids were too busy shouting and laughing with each other to notice or care as they walked through.
The entire time Heather went about giving them a brief rundown of what she and everyone there were really trying to accomplish which was to get young people's lives back on track while also making sure they were happy, healthy and safe.
Brittany was surprised to learn that forty percent of homeless youth identified as LGBTQ but Heather explained that the statistics really made sense when you thought about it. Many teens come out to their families only to be thrown out with no money and no support system and with little to no options. Sometimes, Heather said, the systems in place that were meant to help kids and teens didn't always do right by them, especially if they were an older teen because local authorities tended to want to wash their hands of their responsibility to them. Why bother putting them in the foster care system if they were only going to age out in a short time was their thinking. Many people in power also often made the gross generalization that homeless youth were thugs and instead of giving support they would often criminalize them almost immediately. Kids that were unfortunate enough to have no family and no friends to lean on were left with nothing but the streets and the sad truth was the streets could often subject them to assault and sometimes much worse.
That's why the Liberty House Youth Center existed Heather said, to give hope and a hand to the youth in the community who needed it. The house worked as a shelter with dorm like rooms and it survived on donations and drives and functioned with the help of dozens upon dozens of volunteers from all around Liberty Avenue. Some were teachers and therapists and doctors who came to donate their skills and knowledge, while others gave in other substantial ways donating food and clothing or even just arranging and chaperoning fun group outings.
''So how old are you two exactly,'' Heather began casually looking first to Santana and then Brittany as she came to stop their little tour in what looked to be an empty media/study room filled with a dozen or so computer terminals.
''Seventeen,'' Santana answered for them both. ''We're still in high school. We're just visiting Liberty Avenue for the rest of our summer vacation.''
''And then it's back off to Ohio,'' Brittany added. ''We'll be seniors.''
''Seniors,'' Heather said. ''Exciting!''
Brittany beamed. ''We plan to kick senior year square in the nads together.''
''That's awesome,'' Heather encouraged as she took a seat in a swivel chair and with a silent wave instructed them to do the same. ''You know most kids here are around your age too. A lot of them don't really get to experience a quote unquote normal senior year.''
''Why is that?'' Santana asked as she pulled a chair out for herself.
''Truth is when a teenager is thrown out to live on the streets their education is disrupted,'' Heather answered.
Brittany meanwhile hopped up to sit nearby on the desk space belonging to Santana's seat. ''I never really thought about that but it makes sense.''
''When you lose your home you lose structure and if you have to worry about where your next meal is coming from or where you're going to lay your head that night...one's education ends up taking a backseat,'' Heather reasoned and informed. ''This past year thanks to some volunteer tutors who really showed up and put it all together we were able to start a program that helps those who got a little off track to catch up to where they need to be. We even have a prep class and everyone who's taken it, all of them went on to obtain their GED.'' Heather made a wave with her hands to a wall that looked like it was covered in pictures. Pictures of teenagers holding diplomas or certificates of some sort, happy and smiling and celebrating. She looked immensely proud of the smiles on the wall. ''A lot of people can make fun of that as if it's somehow 'less than' a high school diploma but they don't really understand how big that is for the kids and their sense of self worth. Getting their GED under their belts reminds them that they have what it takes to make it. It reminds them that anything is possible.''
Santana raised her eyebrows. ''That's actually pretty fucking amazing.''
''It is actually pretty fucking amazing,'' Heather laughed in agreement. ''Here we don't just give the kids a place to put their heads at night, we want to give them confidence and real life skills. We have cooking classes, we have art classes, we show them how to open bank accounts. We help them get real world prepared but we also let them know that even when they do finally walk back out into the real world they're not doing it alone because they have a community because they are the community.''
''How long do kids usually stay for?'' asked Brittany .
''That really depends,'' Heather said. ''Each kid has a different story and different circumstances so it varies. Some kids come here and they stick it out until they're ready to walk back out on their own two feet or we can arrange long term housing for them but every once and awhile someone comes in and for their own reasons decides to bail. The important thing for us working here is we let them know our door is always open regardless if they might have happened to walk out of it once or twice already.''
''And it happens, kids do walk out,'' Hunter piped up as he himself went to lean on the edge of the desk. ''But I think when it happens it isn't because the kid doesn't want help or support-''
''Exactly. It's actually about trust,'' Heather added and nodded along with Hunter's statement. ''When kids first come here not all of them are in good shape. I won't get into specifics but sometimes they've been hurt physically, sometimes they've been hurt emotionally, sometimes both and it's a process, us earning their trust. It isn't an easy job but it's worth it.''
Heather paused when an alarm went off on her phone. She pulled out her device to check it and then made a funny apologetic face to them all.
''I'm afraid we have to put this little tour on pause for the moment,'' she announced as she stood up. ''This is about the time we start getting ready for lunch.''
''It's like 10:00am,'' Santana said, looking at the clock on the wall.
''Exactly,'' Heather nodded. ''Meal prep takes us a little while longer when we're feeding a couple dozen kids. But you know what actually might make things go a little faster?''
Neither of them were all that surprised when ten minutes later they were all standing about in the building's large industrial looking kitchen where everything was neat and tidy and made of steel. Heather handed them clean white aprons and placing a friendly hand on their shoulders informed them that she was totally going to put them to use in the kitchen.
Santana accepted the apron cautiously. ''As long as you don't force me to wear a hair net I can probably stand to help out a little. What do you need me to do, like chop eggs?''
''Chop eggs?'' Hunter snorted as he slid his apron on. ''How would one even chop an egg? That's like saying you want me to stir this bacon...you want me to whisk this steak?''
''Shut up,'' Santana warned playfully and Hunter stuck his tongue out at her like a little brother would.
''Hard boiled eggs can be chopped,'' Brittany noted to him with a chuckle as she tied her own apron around herself.
''See there.'' Like an adorable little snot Santana stuck her own tongue out right back at Hunter.
Heather shook her head at the back and forth and informed them, ''As for what we need you to do I'll leave that up to our kitchen staff here.'' She motioned to a handful of young people behind her who were already hard at work preparing the kitchen space. ''I have to step out for a bit to run some errands and pick up some supplies. Don't worry our team here knows their stuff, you're in good hands. I'll see you guys in a bit, try not to burn the place down.''
With that Heather was off and made her exit from the area and Hunter began to introduce them to the team working in the kitchen. A few of them were regular adult volunteers but the three young people standing about were actually residents of the youth center.
''So this is my bro Jaime, this is Liv and this is Tyler,'' Hunter said, nodding to each individual in turn.
Jaime waved. He was latino and had short choppy hair and looked like he could be a model for skateboarding apparel what with his stylish slacker boy look. Tyler meanwhile was a bit stocky with very red, very pinchable chipmunk cheeks. Liv meanwhile was a tall young black girl with trendy looking thick red rimmed glasses. She had a sweet smile and kind of towered over her two friends in the kitchen who didn't seem to mind when she would absentmindedly place an elbow on one of their shoulders in a very comfortable sibling-like way.
''Dudes these are my new friends Brittany and Santana,'' Hunter continued with introductions. ''Like me they might be a little bit challenged in the kitchen area but Heather said you guys could use some extra hands.''
''Cool with us,'' remarked Tyler with approving mumblings from the others.
Soon the three of them were giving Santana and Brittany a brief rundown on what they were planning for lunch. It seemed for this meal Jaime was heading things up. ''Today we're doing homemade enchiladas to celebrate the fact that I finally taught these two here how to make them the right way,'' explained Jaime as he tied an apron around himself with a quiet kind of confidence. ''Which is a good thing too because when white people try to make them on their own it can lead to tragic results.''
''Hey, excuse you sir!'' Tyler laughed. ''I mean it's the truth but still, excuse you.''
''Hey, I'm not white so don't go lumping me in like that,'' Liv said lightheartedly and made a playful jab at Jaime. ''I make damn good enchiladas so don't even.''
''Oh Santana's mom makes the best enchiladas,'' Brittany hummed almost as if she was tasting them in her mouth.
''So you have experience making them?'' Jaime looked to Santana, hopeful.
Santana laughed. ''Uh no but I do have experience eating them.''
With that noted Jaime began the task of handing out everyone's job. Hunter and Tyler had rice duty while Liv and Brittany were nearby perfecting the art of rolling and tucking corn tortillas in the sauce. Jaime had taken pity on Santana however and placed her on salad duty. The aspiring chef had watched over all the members of his team, encouraging them on in their tasks as they progressed. When he got to Santana he saw her struggle a bit in dicing the tomatoes for her salad. She might have talked a big game about razor blades in her hair but in truth sharp dangerous cutlery was not her forte. She was a little relieved when he came to stand beside her and without making a big deal about it gave her a hand as he started a casual conversation.
It turned out he went way back with Hunter who he had known before Michael and Ben came into the picture. When Hunter had been living on the street. The two young men had different paths and different circumstances but had recently reconnected.
''So how do you and your girlfriend know Hunter?'' he asked.
''It was a friend of a friend type deal. He's annoying as hell but he's pretty cool. Especially after Britt and I gave him a better haircut,'' she joked harmlessly.
''He's a good guy,'' laughed Jaime. ''Even back then when he tried to hide it by acting like an asshole. If you were broke and hadn't had a bite to eat in days Hunter was the kinda guy who'd give you the last of his food so you wouldn't starve. Or like if you needed some shut eye he'd stay awake to watch your back and make sure no one stole your stuff.''
Santana looked over to Hunter and smiled.
''He was a good friend…'' Jaime kept on.
''Was?''
''Is,'' Jaime corrected himself, sighing with a dreamy expression. ''He's like the best friend a person could ask for. The best friend I could ever ask for. It took me a little while to get myself together and find my way here but I got here. As hard as it is sometimes...Hunter believes in me…and him believing in me makes me almost sorta kinda believe in myself. He's like the coolest guy ever.''
''Do I detect a crush?'' Santana teased.
''What? Crush? Pah!'' Jaime comically scoffed and made funny airy sounds with his mouth.
''Ewww, you dooooo!'' Santana groaned in amusement. ''You so have a crush on Hunter!''
Jaime blinked rapidly in embarrassment before simply giving in lest Santana make a scene. ''Ohmygodshutup,'' through laughter he tried to hush her before she got any louder. And then in a quieter tone he asked, ''and maybe I do but it doesn't matter.''
''Why do you say that?''
''For a few reasons. I mean I'm never ever going to act on it.''
''Why not though?'' Santana asked. ''I say if dorky ass nerds do it for you, why not go for it.''
''Well for one I don't even know if Hunter would date a trans guy to begin with so-''
Santana lifted her knife into the air thoughtlessly as if to gesture with her hand. Jaime gently reached out to guide it back down so she didn't take anyone's eye out. ''So, you were just telling me how he's the coolest most supportive person you know.''
''And he is.''
''Then it sounds to me like Hunter would be the last person to rule out dating someone because they were trans.'' Santana rolled her eyes. ''I mean has he ever said anything or done anything to make you think otherwise?''
''No. Never. It's just a fear, ya know. People can always act cool to your face but totally feel some other way deep inside.''
''Yeah but I don't think that's Hunter, and I don't think you think that's Hunter either.''
Jaime bit his bottom lip in hopeful consideration of that. ''Okay but there's also the fact that he and I have been friends for a long time. I've come close to putting myself out there a few times but I've always chickened out. Like maybe it's too late to take it there ya know? Like what if he doesn't feel the same way, what if I'm stuck in the friend zone?''
''There's no such thing as the friend zone,'' Santana refuted with encouragement. ''It's only a thing if you make it a thing.''
Jaime made a small unconvinced noise.
''It's true,'' Santana insisted. ''The friend zone is a total bullshit thing that bullshit people made up.''
''And how would you know?''
''Because. I just do.'' Santana lowered her voice to speak in a comforting whisper. She looked over across the room to watch Brittany for a long moment. ''Take she and I for instance.''
''Oh yeah?'' Jaime leaned in wanting details.
''Me and that girl...me and Brittany have been through some stuff together but we've never felt confined to be just one thing to each other. She's my girlfriend and my best friend but there's no rules or zones about it. There's no one set definition to what she is to me. Or what I am to her.''
''That's different though.''
Santana looked back to him. ''Why, because we're two girls?''
''Nah I mean different circumstances.''
''You should go for it with Hunter if you really feel that way.''
''It's not that simple what with my living situation. It almost feels like I shouldn't even be thinking about dating or boys right now but then he comes around and he's like the cutest and…'' Jaime shrugged and looked a little defeated about the matter.
''Yeah well. Timing in relationships can be a bitch but I say if you have that kind of connection with someone it can't be about rules or zones or restrictions ya know? ''
''Would you?''
''Would I what?''
''Take the risk. Even if you knew you only had the slimmest chance of it working out with her, would you still put your heart out on the line?''
Santana turned to stare at Brittany one more time and smiled as she watched laughter pour out of her. ''For her, yeah. I would. You have to be a fool sometimes, and sometimes it blows up in your face I'm not going to lie, but when it works out...you get something beautiful. You owe yourself that.''
''Y-yeah?''
''Totally. Also you're like mondo cuter than him so that boy should be so lucky.''
The rest of the afternoon went by with ease there was only one minor mishap when someone accidentally pumped into Santana and spilled a bit of sauce onto her top. It wasn't a biggie though Santana assured everyone as she pulled off her tight flannel and revealed the t-shirt underneath.
When Brittany saw what Santana was wearing Brittany felt like someone had punched her in the heart. Her throat went dry and she felt a little queasy.
Santana was wearing her Lebeanse shirt underneath.
Brittany had always just figured Santana had tucked away the garment and forgot about it, but then she guessed she mostly thought that because deep down that's what she wanted to do with it.
The shirt in itself had been an encouraging gesture but Brittany had long since realized that she had pushed it on Santana in all the wrong ways.
And now all Brittany could think was that it represented something, something she wasn't entirely proud of. Giving the shirt to Santana had been one thing, getting upset and making the gesture all about her and what Santana was denying her, that was entirely different thing.
It was strange seeing Santana wear it with ease now. Even as they gathered with others and sat down to eat with the staff and the other kids boarding there Brittany couldn't help but watch Santana and focus on the shirt.
A couple of hours later they had walked out to get some fresh air and found themselves sitting on the front steps, looking out at the neighborhood.
Santana stretched her legs out in front of her and crossed them at the ankles as she relaxed. ''I liked today. I liked today a lot.''
''Me too,'' Brittany said.
''I don't know what's going to happen when I come out. I mean it's still terrifying to think about but...seeing that places like this are out there...I don't know. It makes me feel better. It makes me think there's hope. Not just for me but for everyone you know?''
''Yeah. I know what you mean.''
''I'm glad you came with me. I know it isn't our usual kind of fun.''
''No I totally enjoyed myself. I don't need a mirrorball and a dance floor to have a good time. Today felt good.''
''Maybe when we get back to Ohio we can see if there are any places like this where we can volunteer or donate or whatever.''
''That's a great idea.''
''I have a ton of clothes I haven't worn in forever that I could give. Oh! And we can raid Quinn's wardrobe too, if we steal and donate her clothes she'll have to buy new stuff and maybe then she'll stop dressing like she's from the 50's or whatever.''
''Also a great idea,'' laughed Brittany who then tugged on the arm of Santana's shirt. ''What about this?''
''What about it? My shirt?'' Santana looked down at the text printed across her chest. ''No way I'm donating this, you gave it to me.''
''I didn't know you kept it.''
''Why would I throw it away?''
Brittany shrugged her answer.'
Santana's cell phone went off. She twisted in her position to pull it out of her pants.
''Mel and the guys asked if we were ready to go,'' Santana relayed the message to Brittany.
''I guess so.''
''We should go inside and say goodbye to everyone then huh?'' Santana suggested as she stood up and began dusting her rear and her hands off.
''Why don't you go ahead, I'll be right behind you.''
With that Santana was off, walking back into the youth center and leaving Brittany seated there on the steps.
Once she was certain Santana was inside Brittany touched her hands to her face, her fingers covering her lips. She hadn't expected that. She hadn't expected one little thing like a simple t-shirt could shake her up so much. A profound kind of remorse and melancholy came over her as she sat. Deep and consuming.
She knew what needed to be done to make things right and soothe what needed soothing between them. It was just a matter of finding the moment and getting the words out and after seeing Santana in that shirt again after all this time Brittany felt like she had taken two steps forward and one step back in terms of getting her nerves up.
She had let Santana down so much by pressuring her to wear it for her.
And now all Brittany thought about was how she wished she had never forced it into Santana's hands that day.
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A/N: So. A million years later here I am. I won't attempt to make any excuses or promises. I don't know what this is or if it's any good or makes any kind of sense. I feel like maybe five or so people maybe still care about this story. I wanted to let those people know that I'm trying and that I'm sorry.
I wish I was a better storyteller. I put so much work and energy into this but I guess there's a reason that other than a few readers, the audience just didn't show up. That's no one's fault but my own. It is what it is, I took the risk of telling a story and it was a miss. I don't know if there will be another update. All I know is I want there to be.
More general notes: the character Heather is from QAF 1x14. For several episodes Emmett becomes involved in this mega weird gay conversion group and it's there that he meets Heather. They attempt to date each other and go hetero but then later on realize god and the universe made them who they are, so why try to fight it when they could instead celebrate it. They leave the group and together go out to find Ted and Melanie at Babylon where they all dance the night away.
Of course after that scene we never see Heather again which is unfortunate because I really liked her and wished she would have stuck around and became a recurring character. Total missed opportunity. But! I like to believe that Heather - much like Leda - remained a part of Liberty Avenue, sort of orbiting. I like to believe Heather and Leda were still around the neighborhood, but we just didn't get to see it. It's why I sort of wrote that Leda had actually opened up her own hotspot on Liberty Avenue and why in this chapter I used Heather, to show that in the QAF universe they're still around and still matter to the other characters. Even though QAF didn't care about them they mattered to me, ya know.