On the Edge of Wakefulness, Part 2
Chapter 43
I've lost track of my conscience, Spirit. I hear it sometimes banging about inside of me, scraping along burned out veins, stabbing at the valves in my heart, pounding at the ins and outs of my clouded brain. Then it slips out my eyes with the tears or it seeps out with the blood and it doesn't return for days on end. But then, when it does, it just goes back to making a lot of noise … and not doing much else.
I wonder what I have to do to get it back in line, to get it to do what it's supposed to do. I'm at a total, and complete, loss. I need to run now, I've got business to attend to. I need to dose up despite the fact that my kid is watching me through sleepy eyes, through hopeful eyes. Precious thing doesn't know his Superman is just a man … or even less than that. Definitely less. Or maybe he does know and chooses not to see it. Or maybe he sees it and doesn't want to accept it … or maybe, maybe, maybe …
Close your eyes, little boy … hmmm … oh yeah … blinding bliss comes to save the day.
Todd breathed in deeply and knocked his head carelessly against the ugly cabinet stuffed full of washed plastic plates and bowls, eyes closing slowly as he sunk into the hazy high he had finally stopped trying to fight off. Four in the morning and dope sickness blazed, so he used the light of streetlamps, moonlight, too, to lead the way to wellness. Fumbled a while until Brandy came over. Together they managed to get things right and getting things right was all that mattered.
He rationalized that he couldn't be sick because he had to watch over Jed and if he stayed off the drugs, he got sick. In these small quarters, being sick could get bad and he didn't know how he'd be … how he'd manage that. Yet, he couldn't get out onto the streets to get to a methadone clinic to stave off sickness because then the cops would be onto him and possibly Jed, too, so the only option at this point was to use what he had left.
Thus, in that cold predawn hour, he gave into his cravings, letting his conscience slip out with the blood, its splatter a flower on the ivory.
Brandy straddled Todd and hugged him, sleepily. She'd been the one to tie his arm off, she'd been the one who mixed the 'medicine' up. Sniffling, she tasted the remains of the heroin still on the paper, tossing the wetted bag aside.
"You there, baby?" She asked him quietly, patting his cheeks and he peeked out at her from heavy lids, nodding.
They whispered to each other and Todd chuckled drunkenly, soon kissing her messily, wanting more. He had no idea why. Some sort of robotic response because it felt good, 'cause with her on his lap this way, his body plain old reacted. Habit at this point, comfort, a boost to the boost, a way to make himself feel even more shitty, a way to feel human because this is what humans do. Millions of reasons dangled in front of him blocking his view of the apartment.
Brandy stopped him, whispering, "He just over there … be respectful. It's your boy, baby."
Except Todd didn't see anything because of the jangling, dangling, millions of reasons in the way. "He won't know. Come on." Kept grabbing at her until she finally got up, peeved at him.
"It ain't right," she snapped, her voice carrying further than she intended, waking Jed up. Neither Brandy nor Todd noticed.
Todd then got snippy in a fucked-up sort of way, saying, "Fuck you, then, I don't need you. I don't need shit." But then went on and muttered something about her rubbing all over him and that qualified as teasing and she knew he didn't like that garbage.
Reasons for perverted, parched affection shine in front of him like the tips of sunlit waves in a glistening sea, miles of vast and endless reflecting points.
Needless to say, Brandy went back, not seeing that Jed had rolled over in the bed so as not to see anything. To shut his eyes because he'd really had too much of people's fucked-up lives for his taste, wishing for miles and miles of distance. He ignored the soft grunts that had to be Todd, ignored the sound of Brandy's acts on him, a wet rhythmic sound, ignored what was obviously the end of the game when Brandy sighed, "That's it, baby, that real good, baby…"
This certainly hadn't been the first time he'd gotten exposed to that shit, to Todd's days-long ride on the heroin merry-go-round. He'd try not to do dope, then would play around with Brandy presumably because he was feeling sick, then he'd give in to the needle. Only to go through the whole goddamn thing again. The only change was the sex stuff. He didn't actually have any rules as to when THAT was supposed to happen and yeah, Jed never actually SAW anything, but it was always kinda sorta in the background, in the shadows, just enough waves being made to be sensed and that sensing… Jesus.
The night before, Jed had watched him dose up in the bathroom. The guy had just gone in there around ten at night without bothering to shut the door. When Jed got nearer, he saw Todd huddled against the wall with his knees up, no shirt, no socks or shoes, hair hanging, pressing that syringe into his forearm. Then he pulled off the latex strip with his teeth and that got him the full experience…eyes rolled back, his whole body twisting, toes curling, and then that slow dip into nothingness.
Jed had stood over him… unsure of what he felt. The feelings inched mostly towards disgust but also had the edges of sympathy. In Todd's profound disconnect, he could see the relief. Could see the craziness. Their days had been dull and boring and Jed spent his time eating the foods Brandy brought him, being entertained by her incredible weirdness, reading the comic books (TONS of them there) in this temporary apartment, and watching Todd struggle with his mad addiction. One thing for sure, Jed got the full picture of just how bad off his bio-dad was. And what he saw was fucking hell, a constant cycling that had the potential of never ending. And in that, he started to feel invisible.
His dad… did not see him.
Once Todd thought he'd been played with enough to make him feel not so teased, he let Brandy alone. He turned away, more or less curled up so he could privately indulge in being happy for a while, tuning everything out. Easy like, dream like, he touched the wall next to him, felt how bumpy it was, following along a patched crack in the plaster … and wondered how far down it went, imagining it going to the apartment below and below and below that and thinking that maybe it would end up in the basement and then maybe it would go below even further, through the rocks and mud and maybe, maybe, maybe it would end up all the way in … hell. Or the core of the earth, or the bottom of the earth or maybe it could be in China … where there are people who walk upside down on the other side …
Something kicked him hard in the shins, kept kicking until he opened his eyes, wiping spit that had slimed his cheek. Muted sunlight pounded through the windows, brightening the room in a truly unwanted manner. Brandy was laid out on the couch and a figure loomed tall. Todd thought for sure the person was going to hurt him, he didn't know why. In self-protection he sort of ducked, pulling into himself thinking of turtles and whatnot. Gotta just duck, gotta pull all limbs inside, inside, and offer the shell of an outside, outside, and things will be alright … cause that's all that matters, for things to be alright.
"I wanna go home," a tentative fragile voice said. Todd shook his head, no. No way, no how.
"It's me, Jedediah," he heard the person say. Was he mad, mad, mad? The child who spoke couldn't have been more than five years old and Jed … well, he was sixteen at least, wasn't he? Little hands got shoved deep into the pockets of stiff, department-store bought jeans. Things were a mess in his head and Todd couldn't figure out why so he rubbed his face to try to shake things up, cause maybe shaking things up would force stuff to fall into place and he wouldn't be freaked out.
"Shit," Todd mumbled and he felt Jed-the-child's tiny hand on his shoulder.
"Daddy? I wanna get outta here and … uh … I need to know when that's gonna be. Can you wake up? This place … I'm scared.
"Shiiiiiiit," Todd mumbled and reached slowly to the boy, seeing that the poor kid looked messed up, too. A blue-black bruise on his cheek, the marks of fingers on thin, delicate upper arms … Todd pushed away an image of himself yelling at a child, smacking him across the face, and dragging the squirming, sniveling kid to a guest room. It shook him up and he began to hyperventilate, mumbling, "Maybe … maybe … the basement crackin' up, doncha know … bits of hell in blood, if I shake things up … stuff'll be okay … okay … help me up."
He sniffed hard and got to his feet without anyone's help, hanging onto the cabinet with scraping nails and fingers, and then without warning he retched into the sink. Quickly, he turned the water on to wash his mouth out, and wash his face, just in time to puke again as he hung on to the rim of the sink. But the water felt good, clarifying, and it appeared as clean and blue-ish as beautiful tropical sea-water.
He breathed deeply for a while then turned and leaned back on the countertop. Sweat dampened his t-shirt and a bad sort of feeling sat stony in his gut. Somehow his conscience had snuck up on him and was dancing a jig across his corneas. He swallowed a bitter taste and saw that Jed-so-young had not moved, the boy wearing a look of being lost, of being afraid. The way a person would look if he'd just woken up in the middle of a wood and found himself staring into the eyes of tens of bare-fanged wolves.
"I'm not sure what to do, Daddy," Jed-so-young said tearfully, "I wanna go home to my own bed and I want to see if mama's home yet. I want mama back daddy, can you bring her back?"
"Awww … fuck, I'm so sorry." Todd pulled this small boy who kept saying he was his son right into him and patted his back and sort of rubbed his hair and looked around for the Spirit to help him, but all he could see was that damn conscience, dancing and hopping and spitting nasty spit smack into his face. Jed-so-young cried hard, sobbed, and Todd was at a loss as to what to do for the little thing.
He tried hard to remember who he used to be and he dug around in that screwed up mind of his for moments with Starr, trying to pick up parental things, father-like things, promises that the world would be a better place just because. He recalled those things and could picture her listening intently, could see every detail of her face except for the color of her eyes. Green? Blue? Amber? No, they were silver, like the jabbing steel of a needle … and he almost puked again. What the fuck color of eyes did she have? He shook his head. Jesus, he had to pull himself together.
Jed-so-young backed up and rubbed his little face just the way Todd had, then squared his little jaw, lips stretching thin. He glared at Todd, putting babyish hands on his narrow hips, "We gotta have a plan and I'm not seeing one. What are we gonna do? We've been here almost a week and I'm bored."
"Well, I, I'm not sure yet."
"Get sure, hurry up and get sure, Daddy!" The boy glanced around nervously, whispering thickly, "You gotta help me."
Todd couldn't look him in the eyes anymore, they were light like his, but they were angrier and sadder and more hurt than he remembered. And he worried suddenly about Peter and he remembered that Jed had spent alone time with Phillip and that fact scared Todd, really, really scared him. Jed-so-young looked too angry and Todd nodded, trying to say he understood, except the kid only got madder and it seemed to come from nowhere … at least, to Todd it seemed to come from nowhere.
"Daddy, you have to help me! Wake up, you fuckin' loser!"
The sun and spit finally stirred Todd awake for real and he realized the boy he was talking to had been in his head, he'd been dreaming. Because the real boy, Jedediah the grown boy, was walking out the front door. He slammed it shut, so hard it made Todd jump out of his skin.
Jed was running again.
Brandy jerked awake at the sound of the door, squinting at the light, and Todd grabbed a jacket, yanked on his boots, and ran after Jedediah, ran like hell.
"Stop!" He called out but Jed flipped the finger at him and kept on, storming down the hall, about to turn the corner to go down the stairs. Slammed down those stairs in a shirt too big and sweats too big, fucking shoeless.
"Come on, Jed … don't do this … I'll take care of you!"
Jedediah laughed loudly and did stop, mid-stairwell. Glanced upwards at Todd who stopped, too, a flight away. "You're gonna take care of me?! What a fuckin' joke! WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!"
"You're right … I'm a mess, I know … I - I … uh … but … uh …"
"Nothing to say … Superman. What the fuck was I thinking that you … saved me?" Jed started back up the stairs, fingers sliding along the rotted banister. "What did you get out of it, huh? There musta been something to make you do it. I thought it was because you … kinda loved me, kinda cared." He laughed at those last words, at himself for thinking Todd was capable of … well… of anything. "So what was it? Did Brandy make you do it? Did guilt make you do it? Or maybe you just wanted the rush of killing someone, of getting another kind of kick."
"No, Jed, Jesus Christ …"
"I hate you," Jed hissed, turning back around. Going back downstairs. Todd couldn't move, he watched Jed-not-so-young take another flight of stairs in bare feet, bare against that dirty, dirty floor, the place stinking like urine and trash.
"Jed!" Todd called out, "Please come back, I'll get shit together, I promise."
"Fuck off, asshole."
One more flight and Jed would be on the street and gone. Todd looked up and saw Brandy, her brown eyes large and round, her hair hanging limp and greasy. A bruised soul. Like his. Unchanging in her ways, unchanging inside of her. She'd eventually die and it probably would be him doing the killing because deep inside he hated her, as much as Jed hated him, as much as Todd hated himself. He stood there stuck in this place and the walls blackened, dripping with the shit of the earth, a canvas for a child to get artistic with.
NO WAY OUT.
Todd shook his head and pounded down the stairs, hearing Brandy call after him, "Baby! What's happened?!"
Just as Jed was about to step off the stoop into the snow, Todd grabbed him by the shirt, yanking him back, saying, "I love you … it's why I did what I did! Because I LOVE YOU."
Jed pulled himself away from Todd, brushing his hair out of his face. "What kind of love keeps you on that trashed floor, keeps you stickin' yourself, keeps you stupid? What's the point of loving anyone if you're just gonna keep doing the same shit over and over?"
"I'm hurt, Jed. I hurt." Todd choked the words out, emotion inching up his throat.
"We all hurt, you dumb fuck."
Todd cringed at the harshness of Jed's talk, the words echoing painfully. He placed a hand on Jed's arm as if Jed had hit him, as if he could stop more hits. "I know everyone has their hurts and I know you do, too," he said. "I guess what I mean is, is that I tried everything else. I tried the doctors, their meds, I tried staying straight all this time … and in the end I just ended up in the same place I started. Still seeing things in my head and hearing things … and all that crazy keeps even the simplest kind of peace away from me. And … this … well the dope brings the peace back. Understand? Even a little?"
A car zoomed past, smoky, ruined. An old woman wearing a massive snow-jacket with holes in it, shuffled past them, pushing a basket full of junk. Talking to herself. Life stirred, bubbled all about.
Jed rubbed his face in aggravation. Said, "I saw you … when you od'd. I saw you laid out, dead to the world. What would I do if that happens here? I'd have to call someone … and that would mean Juvie … or the hospital for me, too … and …" Jed's face twitched and his eyes watered and he was being practical, sure, all the explanation in the world, all the philosophies and psychology … well, it all meant squat because bottom line, he'd try to save Todd the way Todd saved him and things would end up grotesquely different for Jed.
Tears suddenly ran down cheeks covered with soft hairs, rolled down soft skin, still. He bit his lip and watched the traffic. Wiped his face. "I don't want to go to Juvie again. And I don't think I could save you all by myself, and I don't think Brandy can … and neither can Téa … nor your sister … and it scares me. I saw you dying. I said goodbye to you. I don't want to see it again. And all this week, you've been half dead on that fuckin' floor."
Todd huffed and he pulled his hair back. He stood silent because there wasn't a goddamn thing to say to all that.
Jed then added, "I get how the dope makes you feel but you dying … I can't stand by and watch it. And right now, I have to have a plan. I gotta find my way out of the trouble I'm in even if that means heading to California or wherever and starting over. And if you're gonna be fucked-up, I can't stick around."
Todd watched the cars pass, swallowing the bitter truth. He knew he wasn't doing his kid any favors having him hang around while Todd lived his heroin hell. He glanced down at Jed's feet, saying, "You need shoes. How far you think you're gonna get?"
"I don't know. I don't care. I'll go as far as I can and deal with the hurt later."
'Frostbite isn't any old hurt. You could lose your feet."
Jed raised a foot to check. "I could get by. They're just feet."
Todd chuckled and sniffled. "Let me help you. Let me figure out something and I promise … I won't do anything, sick or not. Look, let me just find out what's up with the cops and … Phillip and … then … we'll take another step. Yeah?"
Jed laughed, "Thing is… in your head… that makes sense. You really think you're gonna do that."
"Wh-what?"
"You… can't… help me."
Todd closed his eyes a moment and then looked pleadingly at his son. "I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to leave. If you walk down that street, I KNOW you'll be gone. The cops won't get to you 'cause you're too good at running. But I also know that you're gonna keep running, and I don't know when you're gonna stop. You're gonna disappear, Jed."
"What's the difference, man?! You'll be dead … or unaware. You already don't see me. The shit you do in there… you don't fucking see me."
Todd heard THAT jab. He knew what Jed was talking about and the shame ran deep. Fuck. He always thought the kid was sleeping, yeah? It WAS always dark in there. The air lay heavy with quiet, the city sounds swimming between Todd and Jed, kicking at their legs, splashing them, making them both think of another time, another place. Peacefulness within their mutual grasp.
Todd shrugged sadly, "I'm always aware of the people in my life that I don't see."
"But what does it matter if you're just gonna KEEP ON DOING THE SAME SHIT?!" He laughed bitterly and crinkled his features, that greenish hair flopping down as he glanced down at his feet. Then he turned sharply, "I'm so fuckin' outta here. Good luck."
"Wait! Wait … please, please wait. Okay? I'll be right back. Please don't go yet. Please."
Quiet again flowed between them. Then, reluctantly, Jed planted himself on the post next to the stairs, letting his icy feet dangle. "Okay. Five goddamn minutes. But then I'm gone."
"Okay … okay." Todd sniffled and touched Jed's hand lightly. "Wait here."
Todd left Jed and went inside, climbing the steps slowly to the borrowed room. Each step spoke an argument in two different directions, Let the drugs go, don't let them go, get peaceful the easy-hard way, get peaceful the long, slow, agonizing way, stay here in the delicious muck, take a ride to the other side of hell … and on it went. But all along the climb, the exhausting climb up the stairs, he thought of the boy sitting on the stoop. The two boys. Both dangling their feet above the snow, watching the traffic, waiting for something, someone, to come their way and save them from an uncertain life. Hazel-colored eyes just like Todd's. Different from Starr's because hers were green. Like Blair's. Green like emeralds, green like the flora lining the bottoms of fresh-water streams in the hills, lining the bottoms of seas, green like the fluttering tail of a mermaid in a magical story being told by a dad to a little girl lying in a downy bed, in a warm home … happy, happy.
The door was open and Brandy was busy cleaning the kitchen, the smell of bleach she must have bribed someone for.
"You got your boy? Things okay with your boy?"
"You got my works?" Confusion glanced across Brandy's feature but then disappeared just as quickly.
"Yeah, babe, everything's in the bathroom."
Todd went there and looked at the whole program. There were about ten used needles in a plastic bag and he was running out of "h" he could see. He studied everything for a time and knew the minutes were slipping past, knowing that with every minute, he ran the risk that Jed was going to bolt. That the boy would pop off that post and start running.
Brandy was at the door, "Whatcha doin'?" She looked tired … dark circles marred what would have been considered a pretty, delicate face had she been allowed to have been simply a girl, had someone loved her properly. "You leavin'?"
Distractedly, he said, "Maybe."
"What about me?"
Todd ran his tongue over his dry lips, wetting them. "I don't know right now." She shifted on her feet, started to get teary eyed.
"I don't want you to go, baby …"
"I'll be back. I promise." He grabbed the bag of used needles, stuffed the clean ones inside, too. Stuffed the bag into his jacket pocket. He needed to prove something, he was going to do something for Jedediah. For himself.
Brandy grabbed him by the shoulders as he walked past her, "What about me?" She began to cry and hugged Todd. Reluctantly, he hugged her back, breathed the scent of her hair, smelling bleach on her.
"Go to my sister's house. Go to Viki. I'm not leaving you behind but I've got something I have to take care of." The smell of Brandy, the taste of her tears, made him ache for the drugs and ache for the kind of fucking he'd gotten used to, the kind that's hurtful and reminding of who he'd become but then he looked into her eyes when the hug stopped and he saw the little girl, saw himself. And his body tightened with familiar loathing. And at that, he bent and bit her lip hard, drawing blood.
She touched her mouth when he pulled away. "I would die with you," she said.
"I know. And I would die with you likewise, ugly and brutal."
"It's the best we can wish for, ain't it?"
"Yeah. Go to my sister. Don't die without me."
She smiled and wiped her face, "You crazy. You goin' back to your wife? I think you should."
He looked away, "Téa's got better things to do with herself than be with me."
"I'll say good things about you to your sister. She'll put a good word in with that pretty Téa." She licked the blood off her lip. Studied some cracks in the old tile on the bathroom floor, saw some mildew she could clean up. Bent down … and picked at it. "I'll find your sister again. The fancy part of Llanview."
Todd worried that he took too long and could have gotten to his knees in thanks when he saw Jed dozing along the concrete banister, lying back against it, feet dangling off the post.
"Hey, wake up."
Jed opened his eyes to Todd, grumbling, "So what now?"
"Let's go. Oh … and here," Todd took off his boots and handed them to Jed. "Wear these."
"What about you, Frostbite-man?"
Todd glanced around, up and down the street, and saw a homeless person sleeping in a doorway. Loafers on the guy. He strolled quickly over to him and committed the unthinkable. He took the shoes right off. The guy woke up and Todd hissed, "You snooze, you lose." Jogged back to Jed.
Jed's flashed a disapproving look.
"Shut-up," Todd said, "I'll give 'em back. I'm not as willing as you to lose my feet."
"Asshole."
"Well, yeah."
They walked down the street, Jed having no idea where they were headed. Snow lined the streets, but that didn't stop people from bustling, from doing daily living. Todd took step after step and worked at gathering courage to do something he'd simply not been able to do. But the thought of losing Jed to the world… well, it just felt like a punch in the gut in a way that nothing else had because Jed was an unknown. Téa was free to do as she wanted, so if she left, he got that. She was grown, smart, had all the resources in the world. Starr had Blair, for better or for worse. Brandy … she seemed to have Viki and she had that weird strain of survivability. Jed had it too but the difference was that Jed had no reason to STAY PUT. Sure he had people to turn to … but Todd knew he wouldn't do that.
Jed would run. Run like hell.
And Todd knew that on some level, he lived in the muck because he was FREE to do it. All the people he loved were taken care of, safe. But Jed wouldn't be. He'd be out and about … unprotected. And for some strange, indefinable reason, Jed seemed willing to stay with Todd. To stay put … with Todd. He didn't understand it but he wasn't ready to give that gift up.
Except … there was a condition to it. And it was a condition Todd had to accept. His conscience stepped with spiked shoes on his insides, all up and down his gut, his limbs. Digging in with those spikes. Starr has green eyes … beautiful green eyes … and Téa, she has this freckle on her shoulder and a little scar on her forearm where she said a tree caught her mid-fall when she was four and had a mother and a father and brothers. When her life was whole. And Blair, she does this thing in the mornings where she just screams at the top of her lungs to, "get it all out of her system," before she deals with the assholes of the world and Viki has a vice nobody knows about except for Todd where she lets Niki, her other personality, take a sip of whiskey …with coffee. She drinks this spiced coffee and knows that inside, Niki's happy to be remembered.
Todd looked at Jed who walked glumly, his eyes cast down, watching his own feet in Todd's boots. Todd was still riding the high of the heroin and getting the little bit of courage from the drugs. And in that noiselessness, they kept walking, passed the red lights and the green, and another red and another green, crossing streets, making turns. At one point, Todd saw the day's newspaper and quickly grabbed it, seeing the headlines. Saw that Phillip's body had been identified and that the case was being investigated.
"Shit," Todd grumbled, looking around. He knew things would be hot. The cops were definitely going to be looking to talk to him and Brandy too, maybe. Jedediah sighed and looked around.
"What do you think?" Jed asked.
"One step at a time." Todd tossed the newspaper aside and saw his goal, the needle exchange. Jed got a look of confusion on his face.
"I'm doing this my way," Todd said.
Swallowing nervously, he got in line with a lot of other addicts. The mobile unit sat like a fat cat on one of the side streets. Todd knew of it. He'd been questioned once by a worker here and he wanted to make a point with Jed. He'd drop the needles off and declare that he didn't want any more. He'd ask for info on getting clean. He hoped they had something that would make withdrawals livable… though he figured methadone was his only option. Todd sniffled and scratched his head. He hoped he could do it. He wasn't sure he meant any of that, wasn't sure the words would come out. He squeezed the bag of needles. Licked his lips.
Jed kicked back against the side of the mobile unit. Said, "I don't get it. So you're gonna get clean needles … what the fuck, Daddy?"
"Shut-up. It's not what you think."
People turned and looked at Todd and Jed, stared at them. A strange pair they were. Jed made a face at someone and Todd hit his arm, shaking his head. Mouthed, "These people are crazy. Don't - fuck - with - them."
Jed shrugged and rolled his eyes and then suddenly remembered. Oh shit. Téa might be working here today … oh shit, oh shit. She worked a couple of mornings here. Oh shit. Jed strained to see inside. Oh shit. Then he laughed and shrugged and thought the confrontation was going to be interesting, more interesting that Brandy's screwiness, and he rubbed his face. He smiled …seeing Téa would be nice. She kinda really got Jed. In so many ways. Found himself praying like hell she would be here. He couldn't see inside.
What would Todd do? Maybe run out. Oh well, let the dice fall where they may. Todd had no fucking clue what was coming, if she was here.
"What are you laughing about?" Todd snapped.
"Nothing. I'm still not getting why you're here. Newsflash …" Jed whispered in Todd's ear, "These are all users. They're here for more needles so they can shoot up safely. Get it?"
"I know that … just keep your pants on."
"Whatever."
The line moved and then it was Todd's turn. He took a deep breath and made his decision. He walked up the steps into the coach. This was it. He had the courage to do it. The words were on the tip of his tongue. His past would come back flying in his face and there was nothing he could do about it, but this was fucking it. If he didn't, he'd lose Jed, and the world was just too fucking wrong …
Jed cleared his throat softly at the person who was ready to take information. Todd gazed downwards at the loafers on his feet, shoes too small, trying so hard to be brave in this very moment. He had to.
"Oh my god."
Todd heard the voice and looked up fast.
Téa jumped up and grabbed Jed across the desk, "Oh my god, oh my god …" The other workers in the mobile unit glanced over in curiosity. "How are you? Oh …Jed, Jed..." She touched his face and his hair … and touched his arms … and hugged him again.
Todd was shaking and sat down, fell onto the chair at the desk, his conscience settling now. Making camp now. He looked toward the door. Maybe he could just leave Jed here with Téa, maybe this was the purpose. Forget his plan. Jed would be safe. Téa would make sure things would go right … no, wait. Téa was the one who got Jed into the hospital, who left him … who let Phillip get to Jed. Todd stood up and grabbed Jed, "Let's get outta here."
"No!" Téa said sharply, her voice a deep, firm command. "No WAY. You sit your ass DOWN."
Todd did it. Dropped into the chair again. He couldn't look at her because if he did … he'd want her to hold him, too. He couldn't stop shivering. Téa then trained her eyes on Jed, saying gently, "Don't you go anywhere. Things are going to be okay."
Jed nodded … smiled at her. Took a deep breath. Why couldn't they just have gone to her earlier?
The workers took over the line and started dealing with the others. Téa came around the desk and kneeled in front of Todd, saying gently, "Hi, you." One of the workers dropped a blanket around Todd's shoulders.
He couldn't look at her … no matter how hard he tried.
"Did you come to get clean needles?"
He couldn't answer … the words got stuck in his throat and all his courage went out the window. All his insides twisted up and he got confused at everything that was coming out with the twisting. He thought of running back to that apartment, thought of getting new needles and shooting up again … taking enough so he'd be out for a long while. Maybe forever.
Téa touched his face and he flinched. He should run right now … he should push Téa out of the way and get up and run like hell.
Kyle had come up to Jed and offered him a drink of juice. Some crackers. "Hey," he said. "Téa's told me a lot about you."
They stepped to the side where they could talk and Todd lost track of the boy. Faced Téa all by himself. When he looked up at her, those brown eyes hit him hard. Tears jumped into his own, stinging. He did want her to hold him, he wanted to hold her … he wanted to run away, he wanted to get high, he wanted to go home. He wanted so many things that dangled in front of him. Téa cupped his face and he tried to turn, jerking at first, but she held firm and then he stayed, her hands warm. He reached up and held one of her hands against his face, closing his eyes. The shaking … it got worse and he thought he'd just make like a nightmare and puke. Then he'd run.
"Oh Todd, it's okay, it's okay." She assumed he'd just take the new needles and go back to his life. She accepted that. She hoped for more but … didn't believe in miracles. It was okay. Jed was here … and things … would be okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Todd sniffled and reached into his pocket. Téa pulled away, being familiar with the routine done at this exchange. He handed her the bag of needles.
She took it and moved back behind the desk. He tightened the blanket around him. She pulled out a sheet of paper, a formality.
"Your name? It's optional."
Todd shifted in the chair, keeping his eye on the bag, looking at the dried blood in so many of the syringes. Bits of conscience in every one of the barrels.
"Todd," he answered.
"Age?"
"Old."
"What drugs do you use?"
"Heroin."
"Nothing else?"
"No."
"Are you HIV-positive?"
"I don't know."
"Are you interested in getting tested?"
"Not now."
"Do you have any other medical conditions that you're aware of?"
"I don't know."
Téa looked up from her form. "How's the pneumonia? Do you feel sick?"
Shrugging, keeping his eyes on the bag of needles, he said, "I stopped taking the antibiotics. But I feel okay. But then, the dope sort of covers up stuff."
"Yeah, it does." She went back to the form, fighting the hurt that welled. Got mad at herself for it. At least he hadn't come barging into her life again. This was pure providence. Kyle's word. Téa asked the first of her last questions, "Are you interested in information about getting clean?"
Jed had been in a little chat with Kyle and he quieted as Todd pushed the bag of needles towards Téa. She looked down … and that's when she noticed several clean needles in there. Todd rubbed his hair and smoothed the messy beard he sported. She waited for his answer.
"Yeah," he finally said. "I'm just not sure … the best way. I hate getting sick … I hate that."
"Okay … you want more needles then until you decide? You have two sealed ones in here. You can keep those." Her disappointment was thick and she caught one of the senior workers shooting her a reproachful glance. There was not to be judgment here.
"I don't want more," Todd said in the barest of voices. "I don't … I don't want 'em."
"Okay, that's all right, too. As long as you know the risks of finding yourself without clean needles."
"Do you guys have something for the withdrawals?" He looked at her directly, appearing to be on the verge of tears himself.
"Oh … no … I'd have to get you into a clinic. There are some drugs they use."
He nodded, knowingly, "I kind of figured that." Lowered his voice. "Téa, are the cops after me? I saw the newspapers."
"They want to ask you questions. But the place was burned out. They don't have any evidence to keep you. Nothing was left. As far as I know."
"What about Jed? Is Juvie waiting for him?"
"Yes … but now that Phillip is out of the way, I think I can get a hearing immediately. I'm pretty sure I can get the court to release him into my custody. I know Hank is willing to work with us because of what he's been through."
Todd sighed, relieved, and slid down in the seat a bit.
"What do you want to do?"
He sort of laughed, irony lacing it. "I have no idea."
"Maybe a residential program?"
Todd fired her a look of horror, "No fuckin' way."
"They can be short term. Just to get the drugs out of your system. There's also methadone. That's the easiest … no withdrawals, no residency But you have to work on all your other stuff, you have to make a go of dealing with what drives you to use."
Yeah, methadone would be the easiest at this point. And … he figured maybe he'd stay with Viki because there, he'd not be tempted … but then if Brandy was there, he'd be tempted. Even the thought of her set his veins off, triggered an itching for it, a thrum in between his legs.
"I guess … I'll maybe … go on methadone and stay at the penthouse. But you'd be there …"
"What's wrong with staying at Viki's?"
"I'm hoping … I offered … that Brandy go there." He shot out his last words and ducked his head down.
"Oh." She paused and then said, "Maybe that's even more reason to stay with Viki." She said it plainly, factually. For months now, Todd had buried himself with this woman and really, she was as bad off as he was. And who was she to make judgment? Hell, no, Brandy was part of his sickness. But then …"Wait, you don't want to stay with Viki because Brandy WILL be there?"
"Yeah. If I see her, I'll want to use again. And if she sees me, she'll want bad things for herself and I want Brandy to be safe and healthy. So Viki's safe for her, I think."
"All right … you stay at the Penthouse, then. I'll be there. Jed will be there, too. I had custody before. I'll get it again. Todd, it's okay. And if Brandy doesn't show up at Viki's then you can go there."
He nodded in agreement … he agreed. Okay. He agreed. No more drugs … no more. No more. And he'd be in a safe place … and it would be safe and …
And he got very scared.
"It's temporary," Téa said. "Things will get better …or worse."
"For better or worse," he murmured. But then reality began to hit him. He started to breathe hard, the beginnings of panic. He wasn't sure he COULD be without the drugs. The hell would return. The other kind of hell. The voices. The nightmares.
Téa saw it, and held his hand. "Hey, hey … look at me. Tim will be around, you know, we're all going to be around. You won't be alone."
He nodded… yes, he understood that.
"But there will be some rules, you know, if we're all there together. You, me, Jed."
He looked at her, directly, brows knitted. "Rules?"
"Yes, rules. No drugs, obviously, no alcohol. You sleep in your own room, you knock before entering any bedroom. No temper tantrums, no pity parties. You get out-patient therapy, you keep yourself busy with healthy things. You deal with your crap. One mess-up and Jed and I are out. You'll be on your own."
Todd swallowed and all of a sudden, he shot to his feet, "Fuck that. It's MY house. My fuckin' rules. I set them."
Téa raised her shoulders, eying him, a harsh laugh threatening to escape. A wave of strength ran through her at his abrupt shift, at the major backstep. Jed was at risk now, his safety, his well-being. It wasn't just about Téa anymore, about her limits, her capacity. No, Jed was there now.
"That's not how it works," she snapped. "The day you left the hospital, the day you decided heroin would be your life, you abandoned your rights to set rules for your son, for MY house. And wherever he and I are, is MY house. Do you understand?"
"Hell with you, Delgado."
"Jed, let's go. You come with me, things are going to be FINE, sweetheart." She opened a drawer, pulling out a purse. Grasped it tightly, explaining, "Kyle, I'm sorry to bug out on my responsibilities here. I need to take Jedediah home."
Kyle understood, absolutely. One of the people in line, an older gentleman who was ragged but decently dressed, commented to Jed, "Ain't you lucky, boy. Someone to take you home."
Jed, scrunched comfortably in a seat got up, smiling sort of canary-like. He'd heard Téa's recitation of those rules, of her house being with him, and suddenly the urge to run just didn't feel as strong anymore. Maybe he'd take off next month. Yeah … maybe he and Summer would head out to California … or maybe he'd do it in the summer. Summer … with Summer. He liked the sound of that. He watched Téa as she gathered her coat and keys.
And they both left.
From the desk, Todd watched Téa walk out with Jed, not wearing any expression. Kyle came up to him and sat at Téa's desk to finish the interview, to pull Todd's attention. He hoped he wasn't witnessing the prelude to a breakdown. Such things happened sometimes. He asked, "Todd? Do you need more needles? Or the address for the methadone clinic?"
Blood flooded Todd's head, noisy and wild, and he imagined that his conscience had picked up camp and had jumped into the rushing river, screaming at every turn, wild, wild. He could feel the rush of a shot so clearly and his mouth watered at the thought of it. Jed was safe now, at least for the moment. He looked below for the proverbial rug that had been pulled out from under him. That he'd jumped off of.
"I don't mean to push but we got a lot of people who need clean needles. I really want them to get them. It's better than the other option."
The taste of sliding down into the muck would be brilliant. It would be peaceful and taste like the honey the heavens promise in the bible. Honey and sugar and cream and … all that. One shot and he'd feel good again.
"Todd?"
Téa poised the scissors above Jed's head, both of them looking at their reflections in the mirror, there in the bathroom where Todd had once lay, bloody and near death … "Okay, this is it … say goodbye to the green, say goodbye to this Mohawk."
"Oh Téa, can't we just do it again? Redo the green, fix the Mohawk? I sort of like the green. And the Mohawk."
The penthouse was the polar opposite of the winter that stormed outside. Another storm, another flurry of the unknown. Téa had gotten Hank Gannon to release Jedediah into her custody. There'd be a hearing in the next week, there'd be rules. There'd be a life for him here, if he wanted it. So far, he seemed to want it. He had spoken to Summer on the telephone and he'd smiled so big at her voice and then had gotten emotional and so did Summer and Téa had hugged him and promised that things were going to be great. He just needed to stop running. She loved him, she said, things would be okay.
He had confided in her that he wished Todd had come home with them.
"I know it's stupid, he's a fucked-up person. I know that but I still wanted it. He saved my life. He went down there into that hell like Superman and he tore up that guy … and he saved me. And I thought … he could tear up that addiction, you know? I thought … I thought …"
Téa cut the hair and the green hit the white marble tiles, bits of green and brown. She pretended the words meant nothing overly specific.
He tore up that guy.
The two watched as Jed transformed back into a regular teenager, short hair, clean-shaven, innocent-looking. When the job was done, he liked the result. Sort of rolled his eyes and asked if he could get his nose pierced at which Téa smacked him upside the head lightly, teasingly. Said something about how only bulls got their noses pierced … and Summer.
He tore up that guy.
She shook it off. Tomorrow was a new day. They had a late-night dinner. Jed was starving. And even if he'd end up with a stomach-ache, the pizza tasted great. They settled down with a video and Jed fell asleep with his head on Téa's shoulder. She cried then, cried for this lost boy who had so little, who struggled to accept so little. And she cried that Todd had chosen to stay away. Had chosen to stay sick. That he might have committed a murder.
She knew he hadn't shown up at Viki's even though a bedraggled Brandy had. The girl showed up with a little bag and said to Viki, "Todd told me I could stay with you again." Head down, looking hopeless. Just a little girl who needed someone to be nice to her.
Téa eased Jedediah off to the side and shut the television off. He curled up and she covered him with a blanket. She sat at the desk and wrote words in a journal she'd begun to keep when there was a knock at the door.
Tender, fragile knocks.
She thought it was the neighbor across the way, an older, terribly wealthy lady who'd moved in and sometimes needed help opening a jar, or asking for a cup of sugar, or asking Téa if she'd seen the news that evening. Téa got up casually, saying, "I'll be right there, Mrs. Henderson."
When she opened the door, she gasped shortly. It was Todd. Not looking high, not dope-sick either. He said nothing for a few moments and then brought forlorn eyes to hers.
"I have to be at the clinic tomorrow afternoon … every afternoon," he said, ever so carefully. "I don't know if I'm going to make it. I don't know much at all about the future. But … I do know that if there's even a single mess-up, that you'll take Jed and you'll leave. I know that if Brandy gets on her own two feet and my life is still hell, that I have a place to go …" He began to cry, "… and I know that I have to knock before entering a room … and I have to keep busy … and get therapy … and I have to stay clean … and … not mess-up because if I do, Jed will be hurt. And you will. And I will."
Téa nodded and she cried, reaching to him and touching his hand. He grasped it in his. He then asked tearfully, "Do we have a deal, Delgado? Do we?"
"It's a deal," she said, her voice as gentle as it could be. "Come on in, Todd. It's okay … come on in."
To be continued in Part 3 of On The Edge of Wakefulness: Road to Redemption