Patsy grimaced as she entered the waiting room that Friday morning.

Her body was still pleasantly humming after another intense 5am workout at the crossfit gym with Valerie, and she had been feeling particularly proud of herself that she had been going on a regular basis, three times that week, with the junior nurse there to encourage and cheer her on. She was beginning to feel stronger and wide awake after these workouts, not feeling the need for coffee or tea afterwards, and she had drastically cut down on her smoking to keep up with all the running around. Another happy effect of all this change was that Delia was proud of her too, and it made Patsy all the more motivated to keep the trend going.

Though, as soon as she walked in the door to that waiting room and looked around, her good mood faltered, and there was a familiar feeling of both dread and annoyance. Her lip curled involuntary at the sight, and she dragged her feet as she entered the room and closed the door behind her, feeling and looking much like a teenager begrudgingly taking on some chore they really did not want to do.

She sat down on the leather sofa next to the door and it creaked and squeaked noisily under her as she shifted to get comfortable. Once she settled and all was quiet again, she looked around with a frown. There was beige. Lots of beige. There were several pieces of framed photos of people doing yoga poses on what looked like the beach at sunrise or on some foggy mountain top. Patsy stared at the pictures resentfully wondering what kinds of pretentious people had that kind of time to do that on a daily basis. Her eyes looked down in front if her to a mess of magazines displayed on the table, several with titles like iPsychology Today/i and iHealth, Help, and Happiness/i.

She slouched in her seat as the soft trickling of water caught her ear, and she looked over and saw one of those miniature Japanese water gardens with some purple and green marble rolling along in place while water filled the little pool. It was sitting on a table nearby next to a varieties of herbal tea and Patsy glared at the whole thing spitefully.

She understood all of this was supposed to portray some sort of relaxed atmosphere but all it did was get on her nerves. She didn't want to be reminded that she was in a therapist's office and this ambiance did nothing but. This whole room agitated her, the audacity of whomever put it together thinking a soft, boring color and little trinkets that made nature sounds would relax her. Her problems were a lot bigger than that.

Part of her wanted to be hell-bent on being her cold and impersonal self. This was a medical professional after all. Not a friend. He was a stranger. How was she supposed to open up about her life to someone she didn't know.

The door opening behind her caught her attention suddenly, and Patsy immediately sat up straight in her seat. She turned and saw a rather handsome man with curly blonde hair opening the door, dressed in a sensible v-neck jumper and black trousers. He smiled kindly at her and extended his hand.

'Patience?' He asked inquiringly.

Patsy rose to return his greeting, he formal upbringing kicking in.

'Patsy, if you please, Mr. Amos,' she said as she shook his hand.

'Of course,' he nodded politely, 'you can call me Tony,' he let go of Patsy's hands and stepped back, gesturing for get to walk into his office.

Patsy entered and then stood still for a moment, taking in her surroundings. She saw that his office was very similar to the waiting room, except that she liked this setup much better. Exposed brick walls instead of the beige. No leather sofa, simple recliner chairs with a round coffee table between them, no magazines, and windows overlooking the city that let in the natural light of the morning. She looked to her left and saw a simple wooden desk with a computer and a few knick knacks, most notably a coffee cup with a small rainbow flag sticking out of it, and the sight of it oddly made her feel more calm. Her eyes rested on a framed photo of what looked like Tony with a woman and small child, a little girl, which she found a little peculiar. Was he married to a woman? Maybe he was bi?

'My former spouse and my daughter in case you were wondering,' Tony interjected into Patsy's thoughts.

Patsy blinked and found herself blushing, turning to see Tony smiling at her kindly with his hands in his pockets.

'I hate saying iex/i,' he shrugged, 'implies there's animosity between the two of us, but the divorce was very amicable when we did finally split.'

'Sorry, I didn't mean to stare,' Patsy said, 'It's none of my business,' she finished quickly, looking away.

'That's perfectly alright,' Tony said reassuringly, 'I don't mind talking about it, especially to new clients.'

'I see,' Patsy nodded, clasping her hands behind her back, her eyes lingering on the rainbow flag once more.

Patsy blinked and looked back to Tony, who smiled knowingly. He turned towards a little stand by his desk with an electric kettle and an assortment of teas with accompanying paper cups.

'We divorced because I'm gay, and I'm not at all ashamed to say so. Not anymore,' he said as he poured himself some hot water.

'Oh?' Patsy replied, trying to remain polite but not wanting to let on just how much her interest had suddenly been piqued to hear his story.

Mmhmm,' Tony replied as she rifled through the variety of teas, 'I spent most my life trying to rid myself of being the way I am. Grew up in a strict Baptist family. No alcohol in the house, went to church every Sunday and Bible study at least twice a week,' he closed his eyes and nodded his head along as he relayed his past schedule, 'Thought I wanted to be a pastor myself until I got older and realized I was in denial about my sexuality. I couldn't bring myself to commit fully to the church before I at least attempted to nip the pesky little thing in the bud.'

He paused for a moment to steep his tea, 'I spent many months in therapy trying to rid myself of it, the iunnatural/i thoughts and urges. The desires I had no control over,' he turned back to face Patsy before continuing, 'Thought if I prayed enough and asked God's forgiveness it would cure me. Let me go on to live a somewhat inormal/i life, and for awhile I thought I could do it,' he shrugged, 'I met Marie through church and fell in love with her. We were married and created our beautiful girl and for a moment everything just felt like it was falling into place. I was with a good, Christian woman whom I loved, and who loved me, we had started a family, I had a good job, good standing in the church and yet…' Tony trailed off, sticking his free hand in his pocket and shrugging, 'at the time, I was having suicidal thoughts, and deep down I knew it was because I was denying a part of myself that so desperately needed to be free. To be expressed,' he smiled sadly at Patsy and steeped his tea, 'I got myself back in therapy eventually, only this time it was to learn to accept myself as I am.'

Patsy returned his sad smile, and watched as Tony sighed and continued.

'It was tough, when I came out. Couldn't show my face at church, I was practically disowned. My family didn't want to speak to me and my in-laws we're appalled, thinking I had somehow led their daughter into a false marriage. They couldn't understand that I had been this way my whole life. Thought I had been corrupted somehow. It was hard for them to grasp that I had been raised to ibe/i a certain way and, even though it went against my natural grain, I just… went along with it because it was what was expected of me by my family and, well, society really, as a whole.'

'I'm so sorry,' Patsy interjected, 'that must have felt terribly isolating…'

Tony merely smiled and sipped his tea, 'Yes, I thought I was going to be forever cut from my community and family. I thought Marie was going to take our daughter away from me, but you know, time has a way of healing people. She was hurt, of course, but Marie could see the pain I was in, and even though at the time she didn't agree with it, she still saw me as a person. Knew I was still a good father and partner to her, though she came to realize I could never be the partner she needed me to be. Tea?'

'Oh,' Patsy was rather taken aback at the sudden question, but she only took a moment to compose herself and respond, 'why, yes, thank you.'

Tony poured her a cup of hot water as he continued, 'So, after a lot of heartfelt talks, we filed for a divorce with joint custody of our girl, and are still very good friends to this day.'

Tony handed her the cup of tea with a shy smile, 'She's happily remarried now and, so am I. It will be three years in April with my husband,' he finished, rather proud.

Patsy smiled shyly as she took her tea, 'My, that's… congratulations,' she uttered, not knowing what else to say, 'What does… what does your husband think of your story?'

'Hes glad my initial conversation therapy didn't work. They damn well tried to neuter me,' he quipped low under his breath as he took another sip of tea.

Patsy couldn't help but smirk slightly, looking down with a slight blush into her own cup.

'I… experienced something similar growing up,' she started softly, finally looking up and giving Tony an emphatic smile, 'was sent away for some therapy to try and make me... straight.'

'Didn't work did it,' he said smiling knowingly.

'Does it ever?' patsy shrugged, giving a thoughtful smile.

Tony nodded his head towards the two chairs on the other side if the room, 'Want to have a seat and tell me about it?'

Patsy nodded, thinking that she actually did want to talk about it because, for the first time ever, she would be telling someone who could actually understand.

The next several moments were spent with Patsy eloquently briefing Tony on her life in a nutshell, starting with her experience in conversion therapy, backtracking to talk about her parents relationship with one another, her fathers domestic abuse, how they came to die, Patsy's body issues because of her scars, her issues with her own sexuality, and her tendency to self harm to relieve herself if her stress and anxiety.

'That was until recently, actually,' Patsy interjected finishing off her tea, 'I used to do it on a near daily basis and… I haven't felt the need to do that for several weeks now.'

'Oh? ' Tony asked, finally interjecting in Patsy's story with a question, 'any particular reason?'

Patsy faltered for a moment, knowing that the main reason was Delia. She blushed, feeling nervous all of a sudden. She wasn't used to talking to anyone about Delia. Was she even allowed to mention her by name to a therapist?

'I, um, I started seeing someone, and well…' Patsy's hands started fidgeting with the now empty paper cup in her hands, 'this is a judgement free place, right?' Patsy asked, stealing the phrase she learned from Delia.

Tony laughed, settling into his chair a but more and crossing his legs, 'Patsy of course this is. Everything stays within these walls, and just between you and I. You're safe here, I assure you.'

Patsy took another deep breath and looked towards the window, too shy to look Tony in the eye, 'Well, she's forbidden me to do it to myself,' Patsy stopped herself suddenly, 'No, wait, I shouldn't say that because I don't want you to think she controls me. She doesn't at all. It's more…' Patsy bit her lip, searching for the words, 'it's more like I'm letting her use this as a way to keep me from doing it myself because… I know I'm very much in my right to do whatever I want to do with my own body, unhealthy or not, but I think… I think it started with me caring more about iher/i feelings towards how I treated myself, rather than how I felt about myself at the time. Her caring about my body is actually making ime/i care about it,' Patsy sighed, 'so… she made a rule that if I feel like doing it, felt like hurting myself, I have to come to her and ask permission. I know she would never give it to me, that permission, so I haven't asked, and thus, I've been able to find other ways of dealing with my stress.'

'Like what?' Tony asked.

'Oh,' Patsy paused for a moment thinking, 'I suppose what people usually do. I took up going to the gym, I've rearranged my schedule somewhat at work to take more time off, I sleep and eat more regularly now, with my girlfriends help…' Patsy trailed off, blushing slightly, thinking that this was the first time she had referred to Delia as her girlfriend. It made her feel rather giddy, if she were honest with herself.

Patsy was tearing apart the paper cup in her hands now, fidgeting nervously but knowing it was important to get this out. Of all the things she talked about so far, she really wanted his opinion most on what she was about to reveal.

'Also, I… we've… done some things… established rules around it. Boundaries. She knows I still feel pleasure from pain and will only do things I ask for if I'm completely relaxed. Not anxious or stressed out at all, because she doesn't want me to seek out pain as a way to relieve stress anymore. Instead we do it for, um…'

'Orgasms,' Tony deadpanned and Patsy felt a bit blush crawl up from her chest to the tips of her ears.

'Um, yes. Yes, that'd be it,' Patsy eked out, swallowing a lump in her throat.

Tony merely laughed, though there was no judgement in his tone, 'Patsy, that's perfectly fine if that's what you want.'

A wage if relief washed over her, 'Really? You don't think it's wrong given that I was… you know, as a kid?' Patsy raked her hands through her hair and she couldn't help the blathering that came out next, 'Only because we had a fight over it once when she said she thought it was weird and even though we got past it, it's planted this seed of doubt in my brain that maybe it iis/i weird or fucked up and it's wrong for me to like it at all?'

'Patsy,' Tony sat up in his chair and help his hands out for Patsy to stop, 'I assure you, it's not weird at all. In fact many survivors of trauma partake in BDSM play as a coping mechanism.'

Patsy blinked.

'BDSM?' she remarked, slightly taken aback, 'Doesn't that involve leather and dungeons and public humiliation or something of that nature?'

Tony chuckled, 'Bondage, dominance, sadism, and masochism,' he sounded off, 'It can be practiced for many different reasons. It can be a sexual practice, about power dynamics, or experiencing pain as pleasure. Play can even be used as a tool to help process trauma,' he shrugged, 'However you want to do it is entirely within the context of your relationship. All that matters is that you're with a partner who listens to you and adheres to whatever boundaries you two have set for one another.'

'After experiencing a traumatic event,' Tony continued, rising from his seat to retrieve more hot water and fresh tea for himself, 'where one felt utterly powerless, hopeless, feared death would result, or felt invaded… taking back control over their body can be extremely empowering. It's an act of reclamation in the face of fear. It can teach someone to use their voice and speak out when lines have been crossed.'

Tony moved to sit back down in his chair and Patsy watched him move, absolutely captivated with what he was saying. She felt as if this was exactly what she and Delia had been doing.

She willed herself to take a deep breath and try to not feel so embarrassed anymore, 'So, um, how do people… survivors of trauma partake in it, exactly?'

'Well,' Tony looked up in thought, 'Ones body becomes a medium of healing through these cathartic scenes. Some survivors of sexual assault even choose to play out a scene similar to their assault, but with a different end result. They come away feeling a huge sense of release and healing. Which, personally, I think makes so much sense, because trauma can play in a loop in your brain until you break that cycle with different or new information.'

Patsy looked back at Tony like a deer in headlights.

'Reenact?' she merely said, her mind suddenly flashing back to her and Delia's afternoon in the cabin where they planned out s scene and acted it out. A scene where she was caught being naughty and she was given a spanking, very much like how she would have been as a child. Instead of feeling terrified of breaking the rules and being flogged, the experience with Delia was fun and thrilling. It was loving and sexy ibecause/i Patsy a familiar instance from her childhood and flipped the script to where she was the one who was entirely in control of the whole scenario. She changed the ending from her own traumatic experiences and was able to associate the experience with pleasure instead of terror.

'Typically I spend several sessions with my clients creating stable coping mechanisms and boundaries for them around their triggers, discussing their boundaries and their hard 'no's,' Tony continued, studying Patsy's face, 'I then exposes the client to talking about and remembering details of the trauma in a safer space to be able to process through it. This allows the trauma to exist in a container, separate to rest of everyday life, because, in a BDSM scene, the second aspect is the play,' Tony continued, taking a sip of his tea, 'BDSM play is a chance to experience pain, fear, excitement, arousal and adrenaline in a safe and contained way. You get to decide what type of scene you want to do. If you're the submissive, you're allowed to safeword out if you begin to feel triggered. Which makes it a safer place to explore trauma.'

Patsy blushed and looked away. That's another thing they had done, reenact a scene, play out a scene they had discussed beforehand, given her safe words to 'out' herself from a scene if she didn't like it. Had they been like this the whole time?

'The final process for trauma work is integration,' Tony continued, 'I work with the client to integrate them back into daily life and use the skills from step one in case of triggers.'

Tony silently sipped his tea and looked to Patsy, who felt as if she were breaking out into a cold sweat, still staring blankly in disbelief that sheand Delia had been partaking in BDSM without her even knowing it!

'Though judging by the look on your face it seems you've already skipped ahead several steps,' Tony remarked, looking to Patsy expectantly.

I'm just realizing that now, yes,' Patsy remarked as she looked down at the paper cup in her hands and saw that it had been completely ripped to shreds.

'And how does it feel?'

Patsy let out an exasperated breath, 'Well, quite honestly I've been completely fine with what we've been doing, I just had no idea it was that… that it was part of BDSM. I honestly just thought it was a bit of spanking. But you mention the power dynamics, the safe words, the pleasure from pain, using my body as a medium to feel catharsis from the scenes we talk out… I'm just realizing I've been completely clueless that we were partaking in this. That this could even be used as part of recovering from trauma.'

'Given what I've told you, would you say you and your girlfriend are doing well when you act these scenes out? Do you feel safe with her? Does she listen to you when you say your safe words?'

'Yes. Yes to all of it, honestly. She has gone above and beyond, I think… more so than anyone else I've ever been with, to put my pleasure and consent above all else. To treat my body with respect… with respect that I didn't care enough to give it, that's for sure.'

Patsy paused for a moment, her mind drifting to all the things that Delia had pushed her to do to be better. Keeping her from biting herself, most of all, and then encouraging her to eat better, to take her time at work and make an effort to get to know the others. Letting Delia into her life had made her happy but was that healthy? What was the difference between Delia merely being a good influence in Patsy's life and her being her some source if happiness? And if the latter, wouldn't that make their relationship a deeply unhealthy one?

'Tony, may I ask for your opinion on something?

'What's that?'

'I, well… I haven't been seeing my girlfriend for long, only for a few weeks so far, and we fight sometimes but we always make up afterwards and it's just… I don't know. I'm afraid it's too good to be true. She's a big part of why I've been working to be better. Why I'm even here talking with you, honestly and I just… part if me sees this… sees her as a good thing and I want to pour my heart and soul into this relationship, to make it work in the long run. The other part of me doesn't want to get to invested in case… in case…'

'It doesn't work out?'

Patsy nodded, 'She makes me so happy but I'm happy being alone, too. Makes me wonder if I should keep it that way. I'll be less heartbroken in the end, if it comes to it.'

'Patsy,' Tony started, and Patsy looked over to see him shaking his head slightly, 'no one's significant other is going to meet iall/i their needs iall/i the time. In the village that is Patsy's life, your girlfriend is merely a single entity that will meet isome/i of your needs isome/i of the time. For all the others, you need to fill your village with those who will meet those needs your girlfriend does not meet.'

'So you're saying I need friends even though I would rather be alone, hmm?' Patsy asked, resting her chin in her hand.

Tony shrugged, 'In that regard, all I'm saying is don't indulge your happiness in solitude so much that you lose the capacity to find happiness in others,' he finished softly.

It was then that the clock on the wall chimed, announcing the hour had ended.