'She's young, Pats,' Trixie whispered, her voice wavering slightly, 'easily impressionable and… and I just want to make sure there's nothing…'
Patsy willed herself to remain stoneface while Trixie looked away, searching for words. She watched the concerned look on Trixie's face, knowing her friend seemed to only be looking out for both her and Delia, but the way she was going about it made Patsy feel like a predator taking advantage if some innocent girl, which she knew was definitely not the case. If it weren't for the little detail that Patsy was technically Delia's boss then they could be open about their relationship with no consequences. As it was, Patsy needed to lie, and it made her feel terrible.
This conversation had Patsy's heart pounding frantically in her chest, and she knew all the color had drained from her face the moment Trixie had mentioned her and Delia's time alone together in the highlands.
'I'm just trying to look out for the both of you, is all. I don't want anything to happen to either of you… for whatever reason.'
Patsy took another deep breath through her nose. Even though there was a genuine unrest in Trixie's voice and expression, this whole conversation had Patsy feeling frightfully defensive, and scared, though she was going to be damned if she showed it. She kept her eyes locked on Trixie, straightening her posture as she clasped her hands behind her back, doing her best to maintain her composure. She needed to maintain control of this situation and nip any suspicion Trixie had in the bud.
'I assure you, Trixie, the relationship between Nurse Busby and I is strictly professional,' Patsy remarked as calmly as she could, 'Even if there were something more, I would never use my position to influence or take advantage of her in any way. Or anyone, for that matter,' she finished terse with a pointed glare. She needed Trixie to know she would not tolerate being the focus of any such suspicion or rumors, 'Now if you'll excuse me, I have some work to finish before I leave this evening. Good night.'
Patsy turned on her heel without waiting for a response. She was done talking about this and she wasn't interested in finding out if she could keep up the charade any longer.
She rushed back to her office, her expression remaining unchanged even though there was no one left in the clinic that evening. She stopped herself from slamming the door, not wanting Trixie to hear. Once it was locked behind her, Patsy's mind began to race.
What could it have been that tipped her off? What had they been doing to make her suspicious? Had they been too friendly? Had they said something carelessly? Had she seen them in public together? What if Trixie knew someone that Delia knew? They certainly hadn't kept their relationship from Delia's flatmate and friends. What were the chances of Trixie knowing Cynthia? Jenny? Even Chummy? This city was so big and suddenly it felt so small. Patsy began to feel claustrophobic.
'Fuck,' Patsy whispered, reaching up to grasp her hair between her fingers and squeezed. Every worst possible scenario began to race through Patsy's mind.
'Fuck fuck fuck…' she paced back and forth in her office, feeling like she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
What if Trixie wasn't convinced after that little chat? What if she went to Phyllis? What if she and Delia were separated? Sacked? Patsy would be able to take it, but she didn't want Delia's career taking a major blow like this before it even got started.
Unknowingly, Patsy clenched her fists in her hair and began to pull, finding the pain soothing as she continued to pace her office and hyperventilate, her anxiety flaring as she was wracked with nerves. She needed some kind of outlet for what she was feeling. Screaming and throwing things was just not an option at the moment and she began chanting to herself.
'Dont bite, don't bite, don't bite…'
She realized she was doing it, though. Her hands clenching fistfulls of hair and pulling. She was causing herself pain as a way to relieve her stress, even if she wasn't doing it in the way she usually did, and she let go of her hair immediately, remembering Delia's rules.
Only Delia is allowed to do it, Patsy reminded herself.
She had been really good about it too, since Delia had made herself perfectly clear about it back in the cabin. If Patsy was going to release any kind of stress or anxiety through pain it was going to be by Delia's hands only. Even then, Delia would only do it after Patsy had depleted all other non harmful sources of ways to calm herself before she would even lay her hands on her like that.
Patsy stopped pacing and rested her palms flat on her desk, her head bent low as she worked to control her breathing and calm her thoughts.
Patsy couldn't help but laugh internally at Trixie's words. Calling Delia easily impressionable when Patsy knew she was anything but. The woman was fierce, and strong headed. There was no way Delia would ever let anyone take advantage of her.
Additionally, Patsy had known Trixie to be particularly nosey. Always someone who wanted to know everything about everyone, whether or not they were willing to share, very much to Patsy's annoyance in all the time she had known the woman.
Perhaps this was a situation where Trixie was reading into something that hadn't really been there?
No, because it had really her there, hadn't it. Trixie wasn't wasn't wrong, and Patsy felt a painful twinge of guilt pierce her heart for lying to Trixie, one if the few people she would actually call a friend.
Patsy had never been one to share anything about her personal life because of how mucked up it had been and she thus far had abated any of Trixie's attempts to find out anything Patsy didn't want her to know, but now that Delia was in the mix, she seemed to be slipping.
Patsy needed to do something. She thought she and Delia had been careful not to let on anything about their relationship outside of the clinic but perhaps they had gotten too lackadaisical. It seemed that she was getting too relaxed with Delia around, and she needed to work to reign that control back in. She could do that.
The thought made her relax a little.
Besides, Patsy reasoned, what evidence did Trixie have? The woman had nothing to go on other than her own hunches.
Patsy audibly groaned as she thought this, turning around and sinking low into her chair. Her thoughts turned to everything going on in the world right now and knowing that if anything, she would be on the side of trusting women and their hunches. In any other situation she would be right there with Trixie, wanting to get to the bottom of anything that as going on that would weed out any nonsense, any abuse or harassment that was going on. Anything that would harm any of the nurses, she would work to rid the office of any person's or behavior that would be harmful or toxic. The way she dealt with Phyllis' outburst at Delia earlier that day was an example of that. Patsy felt she would have jumped right in and defended any one of them from being yelled at like that.
But what was going on between her and Delia wasn't harassment. It wasn't quid-pro-quo. No one was forcing anyone to do something against their will. They were both adults. They decided to be in this relationship together. Was it entirely ethical? No. Patsy was still technically Delia's boss, which was obviously a conflict of interest. But their relationship wasn't illegal. They weren't breaking any laws. No one was getting hurt.
Patsy felt more calm as she worked out her thoughts. She reasoned that her conversation with Trixie just now wouldn't go anywhere if she was just more careful. She didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize her position here. Or Delia's. The thought of being apart from the brunette made Patsy feel physically ill, but if push came to shove, she would be the one to take the fall, every time.
But what had it been that made Trixie worried enough to approach her like that? Patsy didn't know, and she resolved to be more stringent with her contact with Delia here in the clinic, making sure she kept her distance and remained professional at all times. She couldn't take any chances.
Patsy checked the time on her phone. It was late, and she reckoned Delia would already be home and snuggled up in bed by now.
She didn't want to burden her with what just happened. She didn't want the woman falling asleep with worry like Patsy was sure she was going to do this evening. She decided to keep her and Trixies conversation to herself. For now.
Patsy slept terribly that night, her mind over active with all the things that could go wrong thanks to Trixie admitting she suspected something was going on between her and Delia. She tossed and turned most of the night, her brain incapable of turning off.
Patsy got out of bed and resolved that she just wasn't going to sleep that night.
It took all her strength not to fall into the old habit of calming her nerves with pain or alcohol like she had done in the past. She resisted, only because she knew she would feel ten times worse for succumbing to it when she so far had been really good about not falling into those old habits. If not for her sake then for Delia.
Delia was the one that gotten her on this path. It was her that pushed her to stop hurting herself. To start going to therapy. If she faltered now, the disappointment she knew Delia would feel would break her heart.
Patsy lit a cigarette and rose from her bed to pace her room, her thoughts turning fondly to the Sunday prior when she took Delia to meet her sister Sophie for the first time.
The redhead slowly dragged on her cigarette as she recalled, rather endearingly, how even her sister had noticed how different Patsy seemed when she interacted with Delia. No longer was the Patsy that seemed dour and depressed, reclusive, misanthropic. She had been replaced with someone who smiled. Someone who made jokes, was engaging, and genuinely looked happy, much to Sophies delight.
'I can't remember the last time I've seen you smile like this,' she had said as the two of them watched Delia play with Teddy in the lounge, the Welsh woman kissing the babys feet and making him smile and cry out happily. Patsy looked out at Delia and couldn't help but notice that her brother in law had a similar smile. It seemed the Mounts were suckers for dimples.
Patsy flicked the ash off her cigarette and wished Delia were there with her now.
The thought scared her, actually. She wasn't used to being attached. Her life was admittedly better for having Delia in it, but something like their relationship being outed at work could end them; their careers, their relationship, and Patsy didn't want that. Then what. What if Delia really was taken away from her? What if they were sacked from the clinic? What if everything imploded in their face and Delia left her for good for ruining everything for her? Just the thought of Delia leaving her like that made her chest ache painfully and brought tears to her eyes.
'Oh god,' Patsy said, cigarette dangling from her lips as she nervously raked her fingers through her hair again and tugged, 'maybe I am getting too attached.'
It was all too much too soon. Patsy had never felt this way about anyone before. Had never known anyone who affected her like this. Had it really only been a month? She had just reconnected with her sister and even she was pushing for Patsy to get more serious with Delia. 'Be good to this one,' she had said. She remembered looking at Delia when her sister whispered that into her ear, the sight of her girlfriend holding her nephew and the fantasy of Delia maybe someday holding their own child like that flashed through her mind and made her happy in that moment, but now, it terrified her.
'What the hell is wrong with me?' Patsy said out loud to her dark room, a hint of desperation in her voice.
It was too much too soon. It was too much too soon.
Delia was good for her. Delia was a good influence in her life, but she needed to be able to be good to herself without Delia.
The conversation with Trixie really brought to light just how precious and delicate this situation really was, and she didn't want to do anything stupid to ruin it.
Patsy stubbed out her cigarette and sat on her bed. She checked her phone and saw that it was almost three in the morning. She decided she would spend the time smoking every cigarette she had while she decided what to do about this whole situation until she would be forced to dress and head for work.
She threw on her coat and took her cigarettes and lighter out to her balcony and sat down on an old fold out chair, decidedly staring out into space, what she could see of it anyway, while she smoked and let her mind think back on her and Trixie's conversation. Patsy felt that she had done a pretty good job of keeping a poker face to quelch any suspicion Trixie may have had, but what if it wasn't enough?
Patsy took a long, slow drag of her cigarette, leaning forward slightly to crack her neck and blink away her sleeplessness as she watched her breath disappear above her head in thick white puffs of air.
What if Trixie took her concerns to Phyllis anyway?
None of these thoughts calmed Patsy at all. Her heart continued to pound frantically in her chest. Her palms felt clammy, and she felt hot, breaking out into a sweat even though the temperature outside on her balcony was freezing. Anxiety was buzzing uncomfortably throughout her whole body and there wasn't a thing she could do to stop it, cigarettes being the only thing to keep her calm and occupied, less she turn to her old habits.
Patsy took several deep breaths, reasoning that she didn't know what to do, only that something needed to be done so she could protect Delia and their relationship. She needed to distance herself somehow from the brunette, even though the thought of it pained her. She didn't have any answers, only knowing what worked from experience.
She needed to start pushing people away again.
Sleep deprived and in a state of heightened anxiety, Patsy was in one of the worst moods she had been in in a long time.
The clinic was already buzzing with activity when Patsy walked in later that morning, and it didn't help that she had to breeze by Valerie and Lucille in the break room carrying on like they didn't already have a sitting room full of patients waiting to be seen as they casually sipped their tea and chatted. She gave the two women a glare at their unenthusiastic attitude towards being more proactive in their work, but decided to hold her tongue and parlay any reservations she had concerning their behaviour to their supervisor, whom Patsy was not at all happy to see in her office when she walked in.
She stood at the door to her office and glowered, the three other occupants immediately halting what seemed to be a rather lively conversation over tea as soon as they laid eyes on her. Barbara and Trixie were standing in the corner, steaming mugs in hand, the brunette noticing her terrible mood immediately and looking down, cowering slightly at the site of Patsy.
Patsy looked over to see Delia sitting in her chair looking completely unvexed as she smiled kindly at Patsy, absolutely clueless and unaware of Patsy's mood.
'Morning Pats,' Delia said happily as she sipped her tea, 'you look tired. Everything alright?' she asked, noticing the bags under Patsy's eyes.
'Yeah, rough night?' Trixie asked smartly.
Patsy ignored Delia and directed a pointed glare at Trixie.
'Would you be so kind as to remove yourself from my office so I can brief my team? Very much like you should be doing right now, I might add,' Patsy seethed as the blonde raised an eyebrow.
Patsy had been very lenient about calling Trixie out on her lackadaisical attitude towards management since she had been back from her trip, especially in front of others. However in this moment, Patsy felt that any jibe at the blonde was well deserved, especially after the night she had.
'What's the rush? Just saying good morning here,' Trixie shrugged.
'Oh by all means take your time,' Patsy said, her voice dripping with resentment and sarcasm, 'let's never mind that the clinic should be open by now and that the waiting room is piling high with patients that need to be seen. Let's all just sit here with our thumbs up our arse until you're ready, Trixie.' Patsy seethed through clenched teeth, her arms crossing as she blinked expectantly.
Trixie frowned placing a hand in her hip as she addressed Patsy, 'Hey, I wasn't the last one in here this morning-,'
'Then you should very well know how eager I am to get on with my day,' Patsy cut her off and stepped aside, pushing her door open, 'Out,' she ordered, 'unless you want to just stand there and only waste more of my time! God forbid people around here start to needlessly question your professionalism, hmm Nurse Franklin?' she glowered.
Trixie huffed, letting out an exasperated sigh through her nose at the obviously pointed remark. She silently held her hands up as a sign of surrender as she left the room.
Patsy whipped around to address Delia, knowing Trixie was still within earshot.
'And if you wouldn't mind getting out of my chair, Nurse Busby' Patsy snapped at Delia, 'I would quite like to get started with my work.'
Both Delia and Barbara were stunned into silence, looking on with wide eyes at Patsy. The room was filled with a rather uncomfortable tension as Patsy had not snapped at Delia, nor anyone, like this for the last several weeks. Both women thought that Patsy had turned a new page, something Delia knew for certain was true, but it seemed to both of them that Patsy had reverted back to her old ways and neither knew why.
Blinking back to her senses and stone faced, Delia slowly rose from Patsy's chair and silently stood next to Barbara.
Without meeting anyones anxious gaze, Patsy hastily threw her things onto her chair and walked over to the filing cabinet, doling out the files Delia and Barbara would need for their morning rounds, the only noise in the room being her quickly flipping through the papers and slamming the heavy metal drawers shut.
She handed both women their files and merely said 'Go,' as she turned and rounded behind her desk, sitting down and booting up her computer.
Barbara left at once, not wanting to do anything that would irritate Patsy further, but Delia stalled for a moment, reaching over to close the door to the office.
'Do not shut my door,' Patsy commanded, her brow furrowed and eyes focused on some paperwork on her desk.
The door to Patsy's office had become a symbol of sorts in the weeks since they had returned from their extended 'business trip'.
A closed door meant they were able to speak privately, regarding any and all things so long as they kept their voices low. An open door meant they were to keep it business only. In a moment like this, Patsy reasoned, she would otherwise welcome a closed door to explain herself, but at this particular time she didn't want anyone to see her and Delia alone together, no matter the circumstances.
Delia halted her motions, looking at Patsy and not bothering to hide her resentment towards her right now.
'Really?' she asked, eyebrow raised.
'Patients are waiting, Nurse Busby,' Patsy remarked, her tone short.
Delia gave Patsy a suspicious glare that physically hurt Patsy, but she needed to keep Delia away from her. At least for a little while so Trixie's suspicion went away.
The smaller woman looked away finally with a sigh, tucking the files under her arm as she mumbled an angry 'Fine,' under her breath as she turned and exited the office, leaving the door wide open.
Patsy couldn't bare to watch her walk away, knowing she was angry and frustrated and had absolutely no clue as to why Patsy was acting like this, treating her like this. It made Patsy seeth in frustration at their whole situation but she reasoned she would have to press on. Her terrible behavior had a purpose.
With that, Patsy rose from her seat and collected her files, forcing a smile as she engaged with her first patient of the day.
Later that afternoon, Patsy and the other nurses were finally able to catch a break when the flow of patients slowed down for the time being. Patsy herself wanted nothing more than to sit alone in her office to be by herself for a few moments but the craving for a cigarette was overwhelming. She snatched up her coat and walked towards the break room where she found a few others meandering about, taking the time to get off their feet and chat with one another a bit.
Delia, Barbara, and Lucille were sitting having tea at the small table while Trixie stood and waited for her own cup to brew at the counter. All four turned to look at her as she entered the room.
'Tea, Patsy?' Lucille looked on hopefully while the other three remained gloomily silent, 'you look like you could use a little pick me up,' she finished as she pushed forward a fresh cuppa.
Patsy looked longingly at the cup of tea, her standing there suddenly made her realize just how tired she was, how much her feet ached and how stiff her neck and shoulders were. With a defeated sigh, she pulled out the remailing chair at the table and sat down with the other three nurses. She mumbled a 'thanks' to Lucille as she took the steaming cup and inhaled deeply before taking a sip, allowing the scent of the tea and the warmth of the water to relax her senses a bit.
As she placed her cup back down on the table, she noticed Delia looking at her silently, a hopeful look in her eyes. Patsy gave the most subtle smile she could muster and her heart melted slightly at the sight of Delia reciprocating, smiling back at her discreetly behind her own cup of tea.
'Hows your day been?' Lucille asked, tucking into her tea, absentmindedly flicking her thumb over the screen of her phone.
'Oh, um,' Patsy mumbled, looking down at the steaming mug in her hands as she noticed both Delia and Lucille listening intently, 'well to be honest, the last patient I examined was extremely behind on their vaccinations. I've spent the last half hour trying to calmly explain to their mother why getting their child vaccinated would do the opposite of killing them,' she grumbled with an eyeroll.
'Oh, god, tell me about it,' Trixie griped from her spot by the counter, 'I had a woman who said there had been an outbreak of mumps of her child's daycare and she insisted there was another way of protecting her kid other than vaccinating them. The ignorance was astounding.'
Patsy hummed her appreciation at Trixie in solidarity with the fellow nurses strife.
'It's awful,' Lucille said sadly as she sipped her tea, 'half of me wishes the children of these parents would contract such a horrible disease simply because they take for granted the vaccinations they had as kids. They don't know what life was like when these diseases were running rampant,' Lucille shrugged, 'Then again, I would never want any child to suffer for their parents stupidity, so...' she trailed off, the other three nurses in the room nodding in agreement.
Patsy gave an affirmative hum in agreement, taking a sip of her tea.
'Goodness,' Barbara chimed in, looking towards the ceiling in thought, 'and to think, the worst I've had so far is one very pregnant woman arguing with me how many Big Macs she was allowed to have on a weekly basis. She insisted on three but I was able to eventually talk her down to none, all that processed meat and god knows what else…' she trailed of, shaking her head slightly with disappointment, 'goes against everything I learned in school about a healthy diet during pregnancy in school.'
Delia looked over to Patsy with a kind smile.
'I think it's commendable you stuck it out Pats,' Delia said, reaching over the table to grasp Patsy's hand, 'to have the patience to deal with someone like that without completely losing your temper.'
Patsy's heart lept in her throat, feeling overcome with panic. She instinctively whipped her hand away from Delia's grasp as if she had been burned.
'It's fine...' she forced out through clenched teeth, 'I've been dealing with patients like this for over a decade. I know what I'm doing.'
Patsy looked down at the table, breaking out into a cold sweat as she was suddenly very aware of everyone's eyes on her for reacting so harshly, especially the shocked look on Delia's face from her recoiling from her touch.
Patsy looked away angrily, now feeling the stillness in the room, the tension growing the longer everyone remained silent. She felt her cheeks grow hot as she swallowed a lump in her throat, pointedly looking anywhere but at Delia to avoid her shocked and hurt expression.
Patsy stared at her tea waiting for the moment to pass, feeling much too tired and on edge to care that she was making everyone feel awkward.
Delia cleared her throat and she moved to rise from her seat, the chair scraping loudly against the linoleum floor.
'I need to get on with submitting my notes for the day, excuse me,' she said, her tone clipped, soon exiting the room without a parting look to anyone, her unfinished cup of tea left behind.
Barbara, Trixie, and Lucille watched her go, Patsy looking into her tea as she felt the tension in the room rise exceptionally.
She only looked up when she saw Trixie whirl around toward her out of the corner of her eye, the blonde glaring at her.
'Patsy, that was very rude,' she said placing her hand on her hip, 'she was only trying to be consoling.'
Patsy's eyebrows furrowed as she scowled.
She wanted to tell Trixie to go fuck herself.
Without another word, Patsy rose from her seat, the sound of the chair scraping just as noisily against the floor, abrasive and awkward to all in the room. She threw on her jacket and grabbed her tea, walking outside with a harsh slam of the door against the brick wall before it shut noisily behind her. Out here at least she was alone with her thoughts. She finegaled a cigarette out of her pack and held it between her lips while she lit it, thinking that at the very least out here there was no one to analyze or judge her.
She sucked down the smoke so hard it burned her throat.
Delia didn't approach Patsy for the rest of the day. She damn well outright avoided all eye contact with her and got up and left the room if Patsy entered. It made Patsy half relieved, half fill with dread. She disliked herself for acting this way, but with Trixie lurking around, she was on edge and over analyzing everything. Every little phrase and action around Delia. It was making her half mad with worry. She didn't want to think what the others probably thought of her in those moments she lashed out unnecessarily at Delia. Had they suspected too? What if they did and they were the ones who had brought their concerns to Trixie, knowing she was the only one other than Phyllis who would possibly have the courage to approach Patsy like she did the day before? The thought only had Patsy more on edge as she sat in her office and typed up her files for the day.
She was alone, thankfully, clacking away noisily at her keyboard, wishing more than anything she could have a cigarette indoors. Or at the very least the NHS would give her a bloody laptop to do all this administrative work so she could go and be outside while she did all this. She was at the point where she would rather sit in the cold and do her work just so she could have a bloody cigarette.
The door to her office remained open for the entirety of the day, and it was long ago that she had released Barbara to go home, Delia having taken off without permission after the last patient had gone, and Patsy didn't blame her.
Wish a sigh of relief, Patsy had logged out of her programs and shut off her computer for the night. She stood and was on her way to the break room to collect her things when the door to Phillys' office opened and Trixie rushed out, the blonde looking rather remorseful.
Patsy's heart sank in her chest when she saw Phyllis appear in the doorframe of her office and look right at her.
'Nurse Mount,' she said, extending her arm and giving a hint of a wave, beckoning Patsy to come to her, 'I need to speak with you before you go.'
Patsy clenched her teeth as she felt her anxiety shoot through the roof, glaring slightly as Trixie breezed by her towards the break room, looking sullen and not making eye contact. She had no doubt told Phyllis of her suspicions about her and Delia.
This was it, Patsy thought. She was going to be confronted with her and Delia's relationship. There was no doubt about it at this point.
She shoved her hands into her pockets and clenched her teeth, trying to remain calm as she strode over to Phyllis, hoping her expression was unreadable.
If this was the end then it was time to do the right thing and fess up. Resign, if she had to. She would do anything it took to make sure Delia was safe and kept her job, even if it meant walking out of her job right then and there. She would do anything to keep Delia safe, even if it meant never seeing her again.
Patsy took a deep breath as Phyllis shut the door behind her, ready to accept her fate no matter what it was.