I know, I know, evil cliffhanger. Sorry! Hope everyone who celebrates had a happy Thanksgiving, and enjoy this chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek

"I guess it's not really much of a secret anymore, the kind of asshole my stepfather was," Jim started hesitantly, his gaze focused on the far wall so that he wouldn't have to look any of them in the eye. Even if he had never outright said anything, he had let enough slip over the years that they all knew abuse had been a large part of his childhood. "Things got kind of intense when I was about twelve. My mother decided to send me to live with her sister on a Federation Colony so that my stepfather wouldn't have to deal with me anymore."

He shuddered slightly, almost against his will, only further concerning his crew, most of whom had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on.

Forcing himself to continue, Jim grimaced, his eyes growing wistful as he remembered the past. "Things were pretty great for a while. My aunt and uncle were nice, I had two cousins who loved having another kid in the house. I made some great friends." His voice hitched slightly on the last word, just enough for them to notice.

Jim took a deep breath, his hands clenching the arm of the sofa so tightly, his knuckles were white. His eyes were hard as he stared resolutely at the floor. "When I was fourteen, everything changed. The fungus hit, hard and fast. Plants died, food stores were ruined. People panicked."

Uhura had both hands clasped over her mouth, her eyes wide with shock. Carol was watching Jim in growing horror, her expression equal parts alarmed and concerned.

McCoy looked sick, though on some level, he supposed he shouldn't be as stunned as the others. He knew Jim had demons, and he'd spent years cataloging the evidence of previous injuries on his friend's body. He had roomed with the kid officially and unofficially for nearly three years at the Academy, he had seen a lot of nightmares and odd behavior that told him Jim had lived through far more than he could ever imagine. But he hadn't been expecting this.

Sulu, on McCoy's left, was keeping his expression carefully blank, though the voice in his head was screaming loudly, urging him to yell and throw things and let out his anger for what Jim had had to endure. Why the hell did horrible things have to happen to wonderful people?

And Scotty just looked nauseous and disturbed. He didn't do exceptionally well when it came to interacting with other people – machines were his forte – but Jim was one of his best friends, and he hated the idea that the kid had been through such a horrible experience. Wasn't a crappy home life enough? A mother who couldn't even look her son in the eye and a stepfather who preferred to let his opinions known through his fists? Why did there always have to be something else?

"Anyway," Jim attempted to finish without going into any further detail, "obviously, I survived. It has been suggested, however, that I inform you of the situation, just in case something happens on this mission."

McCoy frowned, glancing at the trio on the couch, and over to Spock. "Why don't you look surprised?" he asked suspiciously. "I assume even something like this would break through your emotionless Vulcan mask."

Jim sighed, rubbing a hand over his face wearily. "I told him three years ago," he admitted. "Before he relinquished command and we stopped Nero." Everyone now looked surprised that Spock had kept this secret for so long. Jim shrugged, looking down. "I was running out of ways to get him to change his mind, and I needed us to get off our asses and save Chris. So I told him about how we first met, on Tarsus. Chris was the one who found me."

"What do you mean by that?" Sulu asked curiously. Of course they had all known that Jim and Admiral Pike went back further than the Academy, but Jim had never actually told anyone the story. Sulu would admit that, after finding that picture of Pike with the Kirks in Jim's old house, he had assumed it had just been a simple friend of the family connection. Clearly he had been mistaken.

Jim swallowed, his expression growing dark as he studied the floor closely. Kevin reached over and rested a hand lightly on his lower back, attempting to offer what comfort he could. Jim glanced over and gave the Ensign what he hoped was a grateful smile.

"The history books and news reports don't always tell the whole story," Jim said lowly. "The massacre occurred over five months before Starfleet showed up. Survivors signed all kinds of agreements not to discuss the details after the fact, because Starfleet didn't want it known how badly everything got screwed up. And by the time the news outlets were reporting on it, they had all their stories straight. But it was five months of starvation, terror, wondering every day if you were going to live to see the next." He shook his head, reaching over subconsciously to rest a hand on Kevin's shoulder, squeezing gently as he felt the Ensign shaking slightly with the emotions of the past.

"It took me nearly that long to figure out that the problem wasn't with the communicator I had been attempting to use to call for help, it was the jamming signal Kodos had erected. I had to take it down." He looked away. "So I took it down."

McCoy watched his friend with growing unease, subconsciously understanding how this story ended. Hadn't it been just a few months ago that he had felt the raised ridges of old scars across Jim's back? Hadn't he seen evidence of poorly healed injuries whenever he had to do a deeper scan to determine where the idiot had injured himself this time? Badly broken bones, muscle and tissue damage, so many wounds that hadn't been tended to by modern medicine in time to be treated properly. He had just assumed it had been the stepfather. But what if it wasn't?

"What did taking it down involve?" he felt himself ask the question, but the voice didn't quite sound like him, far away and echoing.

Jim tried to speak. He really tried to answer the doctor's question, but he couldn't force the words to make their way past his numb lips.

It took several tries for him to get himself under control enough to actually form some semblance of a response. Swallowing harshly, he grimaced. "I got into the Governor's Palace, took down the signal. I had given the communicator to my cousin so that he could send out a distress call."

"And then what?" McCoy pressed, knowing that wasn't the whole story.

Jim shrugged, studying his hands closely so that he wouldn't be tempted to look up and see what he was sure was disgust in his friend's gaze. "The distress call got out. That's all that matters."

April rolled her eyes, wishing she were closer so that she could slap him upside the head. "You really have a skewed idea of your own worth," she admonished. Jim just shrugged again. "It doesn't matter to you at all that you nearly died? That you would have if Pike hadn't found you when he had?"

The group all looked at her now, for the first time wondering why she and Kevin were here. Carol, they understood; she was the Captain's girlfriend. But what about the others? They weren't command crew, and in Kevin's case, he was seriously at the low end of the pecking order.

Scotty was the one to actually ask the question. "If ye don't mind me asking, lassie, how do ye know that? And what are ye two doing here anyway? No offense."

April grimaced, her expression falling to her lap as she played with the hem of her shirt. "Jim's the sole reason I passed junior year English," she admitted softly as she offered the Captain a small smile before her lap drew her attention once more. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to continue. "My house was one of the first to be hit," she confessed. "My parents saw the security officers coming, and knew something was wrong. They sent me out the back, and stayed behind to give me time to escape." A few tears leaked from her eyes and left a wet track down her cheek, but she made no move to wipe it away. "They burned the houses. Some of us managed to hide in the fields, but it wasn't long before those caught fire as well."

She looked over at Jim again, and managed a weak smile. "Jim found us. He brought us to a cave, where we managed to stay hidden while everything went to hell."

She was afraid to look at any of the others as she finished speaking. She was terrified to look at Leonard. What if he decided he didn't want to be with her anymore? What if he was disgusted?

After a few moments of silence, she finally forced herself to look up. Glancing around the group, she was surprised to see no sign of pity or revulsion. And Leonard wasn't watching her like she was broken at all; he was looking at her like she was the second strongest person in the room – she knew without a doubt that Jim was the strongest. It was shocking, and heart-warming. She had had nightmares about this very moment, and now she wondered why she had been so afraid in the first place. Of course he wouldn't see her differently. He wasn't that kind of guy.

"I lived in the city," Kevin piped up quietly, his gaze fixed on the coffee table, eyes glazing over as the memories he still couldn't get out of his head, no matter how young he had been at the time, played out in front of him. He would never forget the look on his mother's face as she fell, arms still locked around him in an effort to protect him. "I was five when Kodos made his decree. They gathered us all into the city square, and he made the proclamation over the loudspeakers. I don't remember much, but it was panic as the first shots rang out, and then more and more, and bodies were falling everywhere. My mother was hit shielding me. She fell down, and I remember not being able to get loose. I didn't want to get loose. I wanted to stay with my mom." He leaned to the side slightly, into Jim's steady embrace.

The Captain took over, knowing that Kevin probably couldn't, or didn't want to finish. "My friend Tom and I went into the city to find out what was going on, and when the guards started firing, we tried to get as many out as possible. Kevin was one of the kids we found."

Kevin smiled weakly up at the Captain. "I don't know if I ever thanked you for that, JT," he admitted softly.

Jim shrugged. "You never had to," he assured the younger man. "And in any case, I probably negated any gratitude necessary by getting you captured."

Kevin shook his head quickly. "It wasn't your fault. Lisa and I were stupid. We should never have wandered off." He looked down guiltily. "We just wanted to be useful. It was my idea though. I'm the one who got her killed."

Jim sighed and drew Kevin into a one-armed hug. "It wasn't," he promised, though he wasn't sure if the Ensign would ever truly believe him.

It was odd for the command crew to watch these dynamics. To see Jim acting like a caretaker gave them a glimpse into the teenaged leader who had apparently saved their lives over a decade ago.

"My sister died on Tarsus," Pavel's quiet voice broke the silence, and they all turned to look at him, surprised. He bit his lip and glanced over at Jim. When the Captain nodded, he continued, "She got pneumonia and died a few weeks before Starfleet showed up."

Uhura and Carol made sounds of sympathy, while Sulu stepped forward and squeezed Pavel's shoulder lightly.

Scotty recalled learning about how Jim had gone looking for Chekov because of the kid's sister, when they had been flying back to the Academy from Riverside, years ago. Suddenly, he knew where this was going.

Jim reached out and rested a hand briefly on his other shoulder, his arm curving awkwardly behind Kevin. "Anya was an amazing person," he assured the younger man. Chekov nodded quickly, smiling weakly at the comfort. Jim retracted his hand and glanced around at the rest of the group, who were all looking between him and Chekov in dawning comprehension. Jim had always treated Pavel like a younger brother, and they had known each other much longer than the rest. It would make sense now, knowing what they did, that Jim had more than just a passing connection to the young navigator.

"Anya and I were friends," Jim explained resignedly. "She and April were in the same class in school. I tutored her in physics, and she taught me Russian and German." He sighed. "I found her hiding in the fields on that day. She was incredibly helpful when it came to survival over those five months."

There was a brief moment of silence before Carol hesitantly queried, "How so?" She wanted nothing more than to hold Jim in her arms forever, but she wasn't sure he really wanted the contact right now. He seemed to be afraid to look at her as he spoke, and she hated that he honestly felt like she would leave him because of this. She hated his low self-esteem that seemed to tell him that he didn't deserve happiness.

Jim's jaw clenched slightly, and he looked down. "There were over twenty of us, and Anya and April were the oldest at seventeen. The youngest was three. We needed structure, a command crew, to survive." He shrugged. "I was the Captain. My friend Tom was my First Officer. My cousin Cory became the Operations Manager." He glanced over at April and smiled minutely. "April was the CMO. And Anya was Communications. She was the link between us and the younger kids. If they needed anything, if they were getting restless, if anything was wrong. She's the reason we were able to keep the kids calm as long as we did."

If he had looked up, he would have seen the awe-filled looks being leveled at him, all of them amazed at what he had done, what he had been through, and how he had survived. He had become a Captain at fourteen years old, and led a crew of kids through genocide and terror, against unsurmountable odds. He had likely had no idea what he was doing, but he had taken charge anyway, and through skill or luck or sheer force of will, they had survived. He had done that.

But Jim was too afraid of what he might see, so he chose to focus on the floor instead.

"There were stories," Sulu commented slowly. When everyone looked at him, he grimaced and elaborated, "I remember hearing about it on the newsfeeds. For weeks, it was all anyone would talk about. But there was this one story that kept circulating, about these kids that hid out in the mountains. A teenager who led a group of children to safety. They speculated that this teenager got a hold of Kodos' plans and private documents, and alerted Starfleet, though no one was able to confirm whether there was any truth to that." Jim flinched minutely, but Sulu kept going. "They said he was the reason as many survived as they did, and I remember a lot of reporters saying that he had sacrificed himself to save the rest of the colony." He bit his lip. "No one knew who he was, or had been, and he disappeared in the aftermath. All anyone would call him was JT."

Kevin winced, realizing that he had unintentionally dropped Jim's old nickname in this conversation.

McCoy also recognized the name, not only from today, but because he had heard both April and Kevin call Jim that before.

Jim looked like he wished the floor would swallow him as he reluctantly shrugged. "Sacrifice is a bit of a stretch," he rolled his eyes. "Starfleet showed up shortly after I was captured."

"Weeks," April cut in harshly, glaring at the Captain. When they all looked at her, she shook her head tiredly. "It was over two weeks of us thinking you were dead, terrified because you and Tom never came back. I had to sedate Cory twice because he wanted to go searching for you. Especially after Lisa and Kev disappeared. Kieran had to sit on him for about six hours, to stop him from sneaking out. We were falling to pieces without you, Jim."

Jim glanced over guiltily, wishing he could say something to make it better, wishing he could change the past.

With every new piece of information they were hearing, it seemed as if their awe could only increase. They knew Jim was an amazing Captain, but to hear about this group of kids, this crew he had led at the age of fourteen, to hear about how trusted he was by them, how he had saved them, it was beyond belief. It was astounding. It was incredible. How could a teenager hold so much conviction and determination that he had held a group of kids together with nothing more than their belief that he would take care of them?

Recalling the mission with the K'miri several months ago, those who had been on the planet were drawn back to that hellish time in captivity. Jim hadn't been fazed by the prospect of torture. He had kept his mouth shut and not made a sound. Beaten, whipped, hung from a goddamn chain, and he still hadn't talked, hadn't screamed. Had he learned how to do that on Tarsus? He was being very cagey about what had happened after his capture, after he had taken the jamming signal down; for the most part, they were afraid to ask, afraid to have their own fears confirmed.

"Are you sure about this mission?" McCoy asked quietly, willing the Captain to just look at him, wanting to prove to Jim once and for all that he wasn't going to leave, that this didn't change anything.

Jim let out a weak snort. "I don't really have a choice, do I." It wasn't a question.

"Aren't there records?" Uhura wondered. "Shouldn't someone somewhere have known not to give us this assignment?"

Jim shook his head ruefully. "I used my aunt and uncle's last name, and deleted the records from the transport ship out. I went back and altered all surveillance- and video- feeds so that no one could see and recognize the picture later. The only people who knew my real last name were my aunt, uncle, and cousins." He looked down, shrugging with one shoulder. "Cory's the only one still alive. Tom knows now, but he won't say anything. When everything went to hell, I told the kids to call me JT. Figured it'd be better that way." He carefully avoided any mention of the reasons why he had wanted his name hidden. "Chris recognized me, but that's because he and my dad were friends. I asked him not to say anything, so he didn't. Jon and Richard know too, but that was kind of an accident, and they've only known for a few years."

He sighed and shrugged, folding his arms across his chest. "From what Jon said, Komack assigned this mission without actually telling any of the other Admirals. There's no way to take us off and reassign someone else without drawing more attention than I'm comfortable with."

It seemed impossible that no one had figured this out, but they all knew that if it did get out, the story would be splashed across every newsfeed from Earth to the Neutral Zone and back. The Kirk name was famous throughout the Federation, and Jim had only heightened that admiration after dealing with Nero and the Narada several years ago. If someonedid find out, Jim and the Enterprise wouldn't get a moment's rest.

Jim sighed softly, leaning back into the armrest of the sofa as a wave of exhaustion hit. "I've been working on the whole trust thing," he admitted wearily. "I just… I figured you should know why this assignment has me stressed out."

Spock stepped forward minutely, choosing to speak for the first time. He had kept quiet until now, seeing that Jim had things in hand. This information wasn't new to him, so he hadn't felt the need to talk as yet. "It is the duty of your crew, Captain, to ensure your wellbeing, and protect your interests."

Jim raised an eyebrow at the Vulcan's choice of words, while Uhura hid an amused snort. "That's Spock's way of saying we've got your back," she elaborated.

Spock inclined his head stoically. "Indeed."

After a moment of silence, Jim suggested they all separate to their own evening activities. There was still time for them to grab dinner if they wanted, before the main mess hall shut down for the evening. He wasn't hungry at all, and by the look on everyone else's face at the recommendation, they weren't either – not after talking about the starvation and genocide their Captain and friends had witnessed and been victims of. But they could see that Jim was done for the night, so they dutifully followed his proposal and headed for the door.

Spock and Uhura left together, followed by Sulu and Scotty, and then Kevin and Chekov after Jim promised to meet them for breakfast the next morning.

McCoy and April were the last to depart, remaining silent as they slowly walked towards the door. The CMO wanted to check in with Jim, but it looked like the Captain was busy with his own girlfriend at the moment, so he would wait until later.

April swallowed harshly as they reached the door. She placed a hand over the button to open it, but hesitated to push. "Does this change anything?" she asked tentatively.

McCoy quickly grasped her hand reassuringly. "Never," he promised. "I can't imagine how terrifying that was, what happened back then, and telling all of us now. But never believe that I think any less of you."

April managed a weak smile, and let Leonard guide her out into the hallway.

XXX

Jim didn't look up as everyone left. He waited until he heard the door close once more, and knew that he and Carol were alone.

He kept looking at his hands as he heard the Science officer stand up and make her way over to the couch, leaning up against the arm rest next to him, leaving a few inches of space between them, sensing that he needed a few more minutes to get his thoughts in order.

Jim bit his lip, playing with his sweatshirt hem as he tried to force himself to speak. After nearly a minute of silence, he finally managed to get the words out. "We're still… I mean," he grimaced harshly. "Does this change anything?" he unknowingly parroted April's words.

Carol rolled her eyes and reached over to stall his fingers from their quest to unravel the hem of his sweatshirt. "You're an idiot," she admonished lightly, but the smile was evident both on her face and in her voice. Jim was startled into looking up, his worried gaze catching Carol's own reassuring one. "The way I see it, everything you've been through is a part of you. Tarsus had a hand in making you who you are, the man I'm crazy about." She shifted, reaching up to grasp Jim around the neck and pull him down for a kiss.

Jim let her lead, and when they pulled apart a minute later, he smiled gratefully. "I'm kind of crazy about you too," he admitted. "And I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I know I should have, but –"

Carol shook her head, cutting him off. "We care about you, Jim. All of us, and me especially. We don't care what happened – well, we do," she corrected herself, "but we don't see you any differently because of it. If anything, it only further highlights your remarkable abilities. Jim, you were a Captain at fourteen years old, you led a group of kids through deplorable circumstances, and you won. And even if it was never confirmed officially, you're the reason Starfleet found out what was going on. You're a hero, Jim. I know you don't like being seen like that, but it's true."

Jim grimaced. "I never wanted anyone to look at me like that. I didn't do anything because I wanted recognition. But I had the ability to do something to stop Kodos, so I did it."

"That's part of what makes you such a great leader," Carol observed, grasping his hand lightly. "You don't set out with the intention of doing anything heroic, you just do what needs to be done. You've always been a great leader, Jim. It seems you just started earlier than we had previously thought."

Jim seemed to at least partially believe her, if the slight receding of the darkness in his eyes was any indication. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier," he said again.

"I never want you to tell me anything because you feel like you should, or you have to," Carol reassured him. "I want you to tell me things because you want to, whenever you feel ready. That's what being in a serious relationship is. I want you to trust me, but I understand that that's hard for you. But you're worth it, Jim. You're worth everything."

Jim immediately pulled her up, wrapping his arms around her waist as he initiated the kiss this time. "Stay tonight," he murmured against her lips when they pulled apart again.

Carol smiled softly, looking up into his loving gaze. "I thought you'd never ask," she answered playfully.

Jim drew her back to his bedroom, kicking the door closed behind them before leading her to his bed. She had slept here before, but not often, as they were still trying to keep their relationship at least somewhat low-key. Sure, the crew knew, but they didn't need to help anyone along by adding fuel to the gossip chain.

Not to mention, Jim was incredibly self-conscious when it came to spending the night with anyone. He and Gaila had done pretty well because they both knew that the other had their own demons, and never expected anything. Other than her though, Jim's relationships had mostly been purely physical – and he always left as soon as they finished. For all his good looks and charm, Jim really didn't do intimate well. He didn't know how to connect with others. Part of it was his childhood –Frank, Winona, Sam, Kodos, everyone who had ever hurt him – and part of it was his genius level IQ, which contributed greatly to his difficulties relating emotionally to other people.

When they were both sitting down, Carol bit her lip anxiously. They had slept together before of course – they had been dating for several years, after all. But they everything just seemed more awkward now, after everything Jim had revealed tonight.

Jim seemed to be just as nervous, if the hesitation on his face was any indication. After a minute of silence, he took a deep breath and tried to force himself to relax. Nothing Carol had done had ever given him any indication that she would be disgusted with him or hate him for everything he had done on Tarsus. It was pretty amazing, the way she seemed to understand him so well. Other than Tom, he had never really had anyone like that in his life. Sure, Bones, April, and Cory had done a pretty good job, but they were still more likely to defer to him when push came to shove. Like Tom, Carol wasn't afraid to call him on his bullshit and slap him upside the head when he needed it.

He seemed to start and stop several times, before he managed to get any words out. Looking down at his lap, he once more began playing with the hem of his sweatshirt, as he appeared to be contemplating something. "It's not a time I really like to remember," he finally said haltingly.

Carol leaned forward encouragingly, but let him speak, knowing that he had to be the one to volunteer the information. He had to believe that he could tell her, and that she would listen without judging.

Jim sighed, slumping slightly. "I spent years trying to forget. For the most part, I was at least able to shove it all aside. It doesn't usually affect me this much. I just…" He drew in a shaky breath and made himself look up, meeting Carol's comforting gaze. "I have… reminders. Of what happened. I can't just lock it all up in the back of my mind, because every time I look in the mirror, it's all I see."

With one last steadying breath, Jim stood up and in a swift move, pulled off his sweatshirt. Carol barely took a moment to admire his muscular frame, and the six-pack that stood out clearly against his toned stomach.

She had seen him without a shirt many times before, but she had never really spent much time studying his toned body. They had usually been too distracted by other activities. But looking at him now, she realized how much she hadn't seen.

Because there were definite scars there. They started at his shoulders, and crisscrossed all the way down his chest and to his hips. Many of them didn't seem to be noticeable unless one looked for it, but they were there. Some looked like knife wounds, some seemed more like old burns. It was horrifying.

And then Jim shifted, turning around so that Carol could see his back, and she couldn't hold in the cry of distress as she pressed one hand to her mouth. Even more scars.

She stood up shakily, and lightly ran one hand over his back, starting just above his pants, and moving up until she was at his shoulder blades. So many injuries. And she could feel the evidence of even more unseen scars as her hand moved shakily across his skin.

Jim shivered lightly under her gentle touch, but didn't pull away. He seemed to be bracing himself for her disapproval, and startled when she pressed her lips gently to his shoulder blade.

She threaded her arms across his chest, pulling him close as she buried her face in his shoulder. She wouldn't cry. She wouldn't allow herself to break. Not when Jim was the one who had actually lived through this.

Jim let her hold him for several minutes in silence, before he turned around and returned the hug, grasping her tightly around the waist as he placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. "I'm fine," he murmured quietly, knowing that she didn't believe him, but she wouldn't contradict him either. At least not tonight.

Indeed, Carol just looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. When Jim shrugged, she offered him an encouraging smile. "You don't have to be," she reminded him.

Jim shrugged again, and understanding, Carol didn't push him on the subject. Instead, she just reached up to grip him around the neck so that she could pull him down for another kiss.

In a tangled mess of limbs, the two fell backwards onto the bed.

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