Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek
When Jim woke up the next morning, he was surprised that he had actually managed to sleep through the entire night without waking up once. He would have expected several nightmares, after yesterday.
Turning his head slightly, he realized why he had been so tranquil throughout the night. Carol was still asleep, the light sheet twisting slightly on top of her, showing her bare back but covering most of her legs as she curled contentedly into the pillow, a small smile on her face indicating she was still sleeping peacefully.
Jim glanced around the room for a moment, his gaze catching their discarded clothes from last night, as well as his communicator, blinking urgently in the corner. He groaned quietly, and forced himself to stand up, grabbing his sweatpants as he moved, throwing them on quickly as he checked the message that apparently required his attention.
A wince flashed across his face as he read the query about his location, and realized that he had in fact missed breakfast, and was actually due on the Bridge in less than ten minutes. So was Carol.
"Crap," he muttered, making his way quickly to his closet and pulling out some clean clothes.
A rustling sound from the bed alerted him to Carol's presence, and he turned around as the blonde sat up, blinking owlishly as she tucked the sheet around her.
"Jim? What's the hurry?"
Jim grimaced. "We overslept," he informed her. "Shift starts in seven minutes."
Carol's eyes widened and she quickly stood up, pulling the sheet with her as she grabbed her dirty clothes from the floor and hurried into the bathroom. "Give me two minutes," she called behind her.
Ten seconds later, Jim heard the shower engage, and he returned to dressing himself.
Carol was out of the bathroom and dressed in a record three minutes, toweling her hair dry as she toed one boot on and then the other. By the time she had zipped her shoes and stood back up, Jim was finished and watching her with an amused smile. She glared at him lightly. "Hey, at least you've got clean clothes," she admonished. "So don't start."
Jim held up his hands peacefully. "Not a word," he promised.
Carol rolled her eyes, but didn't reply, instead making for the door, Jim half a step behind.
The walk to the 'lift was quiet, as was the trip up to the Bridge. Jim slipped one hand into hers, and she squeezed reassuringly as the 'lift doors opened, before letting go, allowing him to step out first.
They were clearly the last ones to arrive, and several people looked up as they made their entrance. A few hid amused or understanding smiles, noting everything from their slightly rumpled appearance, to Carol's wet hair.
Spock, Uhura, Chekov, and Sulu appeared to be more concerned than amused, but they did little more than return to their duties as Carol and Jim took their own seats and the shift began.
It was an odd shift, Jim thought. He spent eight hours waiting for someone to bring it up. Every time someone turned to him, he expected a comment relating to his past.
But nothing.
Sulu gave periodic updates on their progress – at warp five, they would reach the planet in about four days – while Spock monitored anomalies and Uhura prepared the mission brief for the rest of the crew; Chekov was a steady presence assisting Sulu at the helm.
From time to time, conversation flowed, and though it was slightly less free than a normal Alpha shift on the Bridge, it was by no means uncomfortable.
By the time the shift ended, Jim was almost relaxed. It seemed remarkable to him, that his crew wasn't treating him any differently. Sure, only a few of them actually knew the truth, but they weren't acting differently enough that a normal person would notice. He could see small changes, but it wasn't enough to make him uncomfortable. And they weren't treating him like he was made of glass, which was always a good thing.
Jim didn't really want to go to the mess hall for dinner, but Carol didn't give him a chance to duck out, dragging him to the 'lift as soon as their shift ended. The rest of the command crew piled in as well, hiding smiles, and they all made the trip down to the mess hall in silence.
Carol also wouldn't let Jim get away with just a salad for dinner. He protested weakly that he wasn't hungry, but she ignored him in favor of adding a plate of chicken and potatoes to his tray.
Jim rolled his eyes, but didn't try and put the food back, leading Carol to an empty table. Chekov and Kevin joined them a minute later, ribbing Jim slightly for failing to meet them for breakfast, but not really angry.
A moment later, McCoy and April joined them, and the rest of the meal passed in amicable silence.
XXX
The next few days passed quietly. McCoy finally managed to corner Jim alone two days after that horrifying revelation. His friend was working out at one o'clock in the morning, in an empty gym, when McCoy joined him after having the computer search for his whereabouts. He was only partially surprised when the location proved to be accurate – he wouldn't have put it past the man to hide himself even from the damn computer, if he was in the mood.
But Jim was there, clearly in the middle of an exhausting workout, if the sweat pouring down his face was any indication.
"I would have thought you'd be busy with Carol right now," the doctor commented idly, leaning against the neighboring treadmill as he watched Jim run at an ungodly pace. A quick glance at the readout showed that he'd been here for over an hour already.
Jim didn't startle, which suggested he had known when McCoy entered. He just glanced over and shrugged. "It's one o'clock in the morning, Bones. If anything, shouldn't you be asking why I'm not asleep?" He shook his head, panting slightly from the exertion. "Anyway, she's got a report to finish early, so she's sleeping in her own quarters tonight. Where's April?"
McCoy rolled his eyes at the attempt to turn the tables. "Working Gamma." He paused briefly, and then cursed himself for acting differently. He never used to hesitate with Jim. He was never uncertain, or tentative. Learning about Jim's past on Tarsus shouldn't change that.
Jim was still watching him knowingly, though McCoy could detect the thread of doubt lurking behind the Captain's blue eyes.
With a nearly inaudible growl, McCoy straightened up and forced himself to meet his friend's gaze. "You gonna get off that thing any time soon? There is such a thing as too much exercise."
Jim chuckled lightly, but obligingly hit the stop button, letting the machine guide him into a cool down phase. "Just because you're allergic doesn't mean the rest of us have to avoid it."
McCoy glared, but there was no heat to the expression. After a moment of nearly comfortable silence, the doctor sighed wearily and made himself speak. "Jim, I don't know what your life has been like. I mean, you can tell me stories, or make allusions, and even if I have an idea, I can't know what it was like. And I can't even say that I wish I understood, because I really don't."
Jim interrupted him, stopping the treadmill completely so that he could get off, grabbing a towel and wiping the sweat off his brow as he did so. "I don't want you to understand," he said earnestly, lowering the towel. With a grimace, he set the towel aside and forced himself to look the doctor in the eyes. "It was hell, and I would never wish anyone to experience what I went through down there. But I survived." His expression was honest and true, and McCoy wasn't sure he had ever seen Jim show this much emotion before. "Maybe not completely whole, and with even more ghosts than my mother, brother, and stepfather had already given me, but I survived."
McCoy winced at the rawness to his friend's voice when he mentioned his family. He knew how much their action – or lack thereof – had hurt Jim. "It's not just about surviving, Jim," he had to point out. "When do you start living?"
Jim winced, looking away as he contemplated that. It wasn't easy for him to talk about this, but Bones was his best friend, and he figured if all the crap he had put the man through at the Academy and in the last few years hadn't driven him away, this wouldn't either. It was time to start trusting people. Chris was right; if he didn't give them the chance, he couldn't blame them for not meeting expectations. "I'm not really sure how, sometimes," he admitted quietly.
McCoy frowned and moved over so that he was standing next to Jim, leaning against the treadmill the Captain had been using before he had been interrupted.
Jim sighed and swiped a hand across his face, leaning back as well. "It's not that I don't want to," he elaborated, "I just… my whole life has been about survival. Survive this moment, survive to tomorrow, keep breathing until next week. It's hard to shift focus." McCoy flinched minutely, hating the way that sounded. Jim shrugged apathetically, staring at the floor. "I asked Chris that, once." On McCoy's questioning gaze, he smiled slightly. "When I got to start living. He couldn't give me an answer. It's fine, though. I got used to it."
"You shouldn't have to though," Leonard stressed, shifting so that he was facing Jim directly. Still the Captain didn't look up. "You shouldn't have to always be so focused on that. We're here for you, Jim. I know it's hard for you to let others in, but you don't always have to be watching your own back anymore. Your crew is here to do that for you."
Jim let out a weak snort. "Jon did mention something about you turning down multiple other job offers because you felt that I would get myself killed without you here watching me."
McCoy colored slightly, but held his ground. "I stand by that assessment."
Jim rolled his eyes. "I am actually pretty good at taking care of myself," he griped.
Leonard shook his head slightly. "But that's the point, Jim," he reiterated. "You don't have to do it yourself. I get why you didn't feel like you could tell me about all of this," he ignored Jim's aborted flinch at the statement. "I mean, I do wish that you would understand that I'm not going anywhere, no matter what horrible experiences you've had, and no matter what you tell me; but I do realize why you don't feel comfortable, or safe, or whatever, sharing. All I can do is promise that I will always be here, whenever you need me. Christ Jim, if you needed me to help you hide a body I'd do it, no questions."
Jim raised an eyebrow as he looked over at the doctor. "Come on Bones, be honest with yourself. You'd be right there next to me, telling me how to kill the guy and make it look like an accident."
McCoy growled, cuffing the younger man lightly on the back of the head. "I'm trying to cut back on the illegal activities," he responded irritably, but Jim was definitely right. Leonard knew where his place was, and it was standing right next to his idiotic best friend, come hell or high water.
Jim just chuckled and grabbed his workout gear, making for the gym exit, McCoy half a step behind. "Then you definitely shouldn't be spending as much time as you are in the back corner of Engineering. That distillery of Scotty's that I know nothing about is completely against regulations."
McCoy rolled his eyes but didn't speak. They stopped before opening the door, and Jim turned to face his friend, an unusual expression that was half acceptance, half trepidation fleeting across his face. "Thanks," he said quietly, before pushing the door open and heading in the direction of the officer's quarters.
McCoy watched him leave, surprise at the gratitude momentarily pausing his movements, and by the time he unfroze himself, Jim was already in the 'lift. He shook himself off and hurried down the hall himself, intent on making his way back to his quarters to at least get some sleep before his shift.
XXX
Jim met with Spock the next day, to discuss their plans; Jim was adamant that he would go down with the away team to survey the situation, despite the Vulcan's offer to take the lead.
Jim was grateful, but knew that he had to do this. He had been living with the ghosts of Tarsus for too long. He needed to go back, to lay it to rest, once and for all.
Spock would not pretend to understand, but he simply offered his assistance once more.
Jim shook his head slightly. "I need you in charge up here," he reiterated. "I'll be fine, I can handle it."
Spock inclined his head stoically, and stood up to leave. He paused by the door and turned back to face his Captain. "I have no doubt of that, Jim. However, I feel it necessary to state that you do not have to 'handle it' alone."
He was gone before Jim could come up with a reply.
The next day, the day before they arrived, Jim sought out Kevin, Pavel, and April to offer them the chance to join the away team. Technically speaking, April couldn't participate, since she hadn't officially graduated from the Academy yet, but Jim would keep it off the books if she wanted to beam down. She deserved the chance to accept or decline though, because he knew she needed closure as much as he did.
All three of them took him up on the offer, though not without their own trepidation.
When the away team gathered in the transporter room, Jim could see the fear practically radiating off of Kevin, April, and Pavel.
McCoy was there as well, and Lieutenant Hendorff and Ensign Aarons from Security rounded out the rest of the initial away team. Once they cleared the colony, they would call for the scientists to join them, to collect samples.
Jim ignored the crowd for the moment, in favor of opening up a comm. to the Bridge. "Any signs of life down there?" he asked brusquely.
A moment later, Spock replied. "All scans negative, Captain."
Jim nodded slightly. "Keep us informed if anything changes."
With a jerk of his head, he indicated for all of them to step onto the transporter pad, and a moment later, they disappeared from the ship, and arrived on the planet's surface.
Jim only needed half a second to take in his surroundings, before he recognized their landing site. He almost stopped breathing, but Kevin, standing next to him, discreetly wrapped a hand around his wrist, squeezing tightly, and Jim immediately put his focus into making sure the younger man was all right.
Kevin appeared to be hiding his distress well, but it was obvious he also recognized the square they were in. Jim followed is gaze to the far side, and swallowed harshly as he saw the small alley he and Tom had managed to slip in and out through, on the day of the massacre. He had pulled Kevin from his mother's dead embrace less than five yards from that very exit.
Kevin's gaze was pained, but he swallowed and nodded slightly when Jim gave him a questioning look.
Knowing that that was the best he would get for now – Kevin's hand was still locked around his wrist, and Jim made no move to dislodge him – he turned to the rest of the team.
"Hendorff, Aarons, search the north part of the city. If you find any signs of life, notify me immediately."
The two Security Officers nodded quickly and left. Jim turned back and saw McCoy staring intently and somewhat sickly at several splotches of dark brown on the ground. After a moment, the doctor looked up, and Jim shrugged, glancing at the dried blood briefly.
"Starfleet's priority was getting survivors off planet," he said quietly. "They never thought anyone would come back, so why make an attempt to clean up the mess?"
Leonard looked disgusted by the action – or lack thereof – but Jim didn't wait for a reply, and turned to look at April. "Check the south part of the city." He turned to Kevin, but the navigator shook his head, looking up at the gleaming white building that had at one point housed Tarsus' government. The building that had held him captive for almost two weeks, nearly fifteen years ago. Jim sighed, understanding Kevin's need to revisit the hellish past and put it to bed, as much as he would prefer to protect the younger man from the memories. But this was why they had all beamed down when he had offered, so he just turned back to the rest of the group. "Chekov, go with her."
The two hesitated only for a moment, before following his orders. April brushed a hand lightly across his arm, hoping the motion was reassuring, before she left the trio alone.
McCoy raised an eyebrow when Jim looked at him, and the Captain shrugged resignedly. "Let's go," he said, heading towards the Governor's Palace at a reluctant walk.
Kevin was a steady presence at his side, and McCoy followed half a step behind, keeping an eye on both men, carefully watching for any signs of distress. But both seemed to be hiding their turbulent emotions pretty well. Other than the slight tremor to Kevin's frame and the relatively discreet death-grip he had on the Captain's wrist, there were no outward signs that anything was amiss.
McCoy didn't buy it, but he figured they had gotten pretty good at pretending nothing was wrong over the years.
Jim stopped abruptly as they took their first steps inside the abandoned building, memories washing over him unwillingly. He had spent so much time here. He had loved being here.
He hated being here.
Kevin pressed against Jim's side, either drawing comfort or offering it, neither one was quite sure which.
McCoy stayed back, feeling the pain radiating off of the two, but knowing that this was their past to handle, and they didn't need an intruder butting in. He wanted to help so badly, but he couldn't, and he hated that.
So instead of actually being the pillar of support he wanted to be, he just followed silently as Jim and Kevin seemed to know exactly where they were going. It actually appeared to be a subconscious motion, as Jim led them through winding halls that at one point must have been sleek and impressive.
Now, most of it was covered in dust. When McCoy glanced into a few rooms, he saw broken furniture and items scattered across floors. It looked like people had left in a hurry.
The doctor didn't want to think about the reasons behind that. Whether it was because the people who worked in this building had been fleeing the impending arrival of Starfleet, or because the civilians had wanted to get the hell off the planet after nearly dying from genocide or starvation.
Jim seemed to be moving on autopilot as he passed through the echoing halls. Kevin followed half a step behind, and McCoy followed him, wishing they were literally anywhere but here.
Down three more halls, a flight of stairs, more empty rooms… Jim seemed to know where he was going, so McCoy didn't question him, but Kevin kept glancing at him, as if silently asking him if he was sure he knew what he was doing.
Two more flights down, and they reached what appeared to be a basement. McCoy frowned as he pushed the door open. It creaked loudly in the piercing silence, and banged unceremoniously against the wall, causing the doctor to jump slightly. Kevin inhaled sharply, but Jim's expression remained carefully neutral.
"Are you sure about this?" the younger man asked, glancing up at Jim worriedly.
A sliver of pain made its way through the emotionless mask before he managed to contain it, and the Captain shrugged. "Just clear the level. Then we'll head back upstairs."
He pushed passed the other two, and entered a dungeon.
Kevin sucked in a deep breath and followed. McCoy diligently brought up the rear, though not without several choice words about their current situation, muttered under his breath as he hurried to catch up to the other two.
The cells around them were empty, not that McCoy expected anything else. Although if he was being honest with himself, he might have harbored some sick fear that they would find skeletons behind the bars surrounding them.
But there was no one here.
Kevin and Jim paused briefly outside one set of cells, and Kevin nearly collapsed; he would have crumpled to the floor if Jim hadn't caught him. The Captain hugged him tightly, whispering reassuringly into his ear.
McCoy couldn't hear what he was saying, but Kevin seemed to be responding, getting himself under control after a few minutes.
"You don't have to stay down here," Jim murmured softly, pulling back and looking Kevin in the eye, hoping that the younger man would feel comfortable enough speaking up if he needed to leave.
Kevin shook his head stubbornly. "I'm fine," he said grimly. "It's just… been a while."
Jim snorted quietly, and there was a very clear hint of hysteria in the action that both Kevin and McCoy caught, not that they could do anything about it, since Jim turned away immediately and continued clearing the level.
It wasn't until they reached the very end of the hall before Jim stopped again, this time outside a door that stood partially open; the bottom hinge of the door was broken, causing the door to look in very real danger of falling over.
Kevin glanced at Jim again, drawing in a shaky breath when the Captain hesitantly pushed the rickety door open. The remaining hinge broke as Jim pushed, and the door fell backwards against the wall with a loud clatter.
Jim froze in the entrance to the room, unable to move.
McCoy peered around his friend, and had to force himself not to let out a string of curses as he saw what looked to be an abandoned torture chamber in the room beyond.
There was an old table lying near the center, and in one corner, a set of shackles hung from the ceiling. There were several abandoned knives on the ground covered in a layer of dust, and hanging from a bracket on the far wall were what McCoy could unfortunately identify as different types of whips, from the 'regular' level of evil, right up to the 'there's a special spot in hell reserved just for you asshole' kind, with multiple prongs and barbs sticking out of the end. There were splashes of dried blood all around the room – on the table, the floor, the walls, and the abandoned tools.
Kevin's grip on Jim's wrist tightened briefly, hoping that he could offer some sort of comfort. He knew that Jim was in more danger of falling apart than him, but the Captain was better at hiding it, so they likely wouldn't notice until it happened. He hoped they could get through this before he reached that point.
A loud noise echoed down the silent hall, and Jim was immediately on autopilot, pulling out his phaser and pointing it in the direction of the sound.
A few moments later, April and Chekov appeared, looking relieved to have found them. "The city looks pretty abandoned," the doctor informed them, as Jim stowed his phaser once more.
April glanced inside the room they were clustered around, and swallowed harshly. She hadn't ever been here before, but she didn't need to be a genius to guess at the kinds of horrors that had happened in this room. She had seen Jim on that biobed after the fact. She might not have actually read the medical report, but she had a pretty good idea of what he had been through. She glanced at Jim and he shook his head slightly, his expression completely blocked.
"Come on," April said with a forced air of casualness. "Let's go back outside." Jim didn't respond verbally, but he followed her when she led him back down the hall, and the rest fell into step behind him.
Hendorff and Aarons had returned, and were quick to reassure their Captain that the part of the city they had searched was deserted as well. "If anyone was here, sir, it was a while ago."
Jim nodded distractedly, and glanced around the square they were standing in, his mind working at a mile a minute, putting together all kinds of thoughts and ideas, clues that registered subconsciously even if he didn't outright notice them.
Hendorff cleared his throat, drawing Jim's attention once more. "We did find this, Captain, on the other side of the square." He held out a communicator for Jim to inspect.
Jim did so, turning it on cautiously, and reading the writing that appeared on the screen with a furrowed brow. "Klingon," he murmured, confused. What the hell were Klingons doing on a deserted planet? Why had they been here? How long ago, and what had been their goal? If they were looking to cause destruction and mayhem, wouldn't they have picked a planet with life on it?
"So the city has no signs of life, but someone has been here recently," he commented idly, still studying the communicator. "And within the last couple of years."
"How do you know that?" McCoy asked curiously.
Jim glanced at him and shrugged with one shoulder. "Several of the rooms we passed in there had less dust," he said by way of explanation. "Still a significant amount, enough to collect over a year or two, but compared to other rooms that hadn't seen activity in over a decade…" He trailed off, but McCoy nodded in understanding.
"So the Klingons are… what? Using this as a base or something? What the hell are they planning?" Kevin asked, frustrated at the conundrum.
Jim grimaced and shrugged again, pulling out his own comm. to tell the Enterprise to send the science team down to take samples of the plant life.
McCoy stepped forward slightly once Jim put the comm. away, and frowned worriedly. "What do you want to do?" he asked quietly.
Jim considered telling the doctor that he wanted to get flat out drunk and forget that this planet ever existed, but knew that that wouldn't go down very well, so instead he just sighed. "Let's just do what we came here to do, and then get the hell out."
They all seemed to agree with that idea, and a few seconds later, the trio of botanists arrived.
Jim smiled reassuringly at them. "We'll go out to the fields and you'll collect the samples. It's a few minutes outside the city, so let's get moving."
They all followed him as he led the way out of the deserted square still stained with blood, all of them relieved to not have to spend any more time in the eerie silence of the city that surrounded them on all sides.
When they reached the fields, Jim hung back with Kevin and April, apprehensive at the familiar sight. McCoy and Chekov stayed with them, while Jim instructed the two security officers to stick with the botanists.
After a few minutes of tense silence, Chekov bit his lip and turned hesitantly to face the Captain. "Do you think we might be able to…?" He trailed off, unable to complete the sentence.
Jim seemed to understand though, because his expression turned pained as he glanced at April.
The doctor nodded slightly. "I never really got a chance to say goodbye," she whispered, grief shining in her eyes.
Jim took a deep breath, and nodded slowly. Pulling out his comm., he opened a channel to the Enterprise, asking about any suspicious activity around the planet. Spock's negative reply didn't do much to reassure him, but he put the device away and returned to the group around him.
Glancing at McCoy, Jim shook his head slightly. "Bones, you stay here. Help them out if you can, so that we can get the hell out of here. It'll take a few hours to get complete samples; we'll stay in radio contact, and be back soon. If anyone asks, we're going to check the surrounding areas for any signs of activity. Comm. me immediately if there are any issues."
McCoy looked like he wanted to argue, but didn't get a chance, as Jim quickly led April, Chekov, and Kevin in the direction of the woods in the distance.
The group walked in silence for most of the trip. Chekov stayed half a step behind as the rest followed the familiar path through the woods and along a path that sloped steadily upwards. Even after over a decade, they still knew the way. None of them would ever be able to forget.
When they finally reached the cave, Jim halted abruptly, almost causing Kevin to walk into him.
They spread out slightly, Kevin and April waiting for their leader to tell them he was ready to continue. They wouldn't move any further without him. Chekov stood several steps behind, his gaze fixed on the cave ten feet in front of them.
After a minute of silence, Jim managed to pull himself together enough to keep moving. He walked forward slowly, deliberately, the others following his lead, until they were all standing in the mouth of the cave.
Jim glanced at Chekov, and attempted a smile. "It wasn't too bad," he shrugged stiltedly. "Could have been worse."
April cuffed him lightly on the shoulder, and took a step inside, unwillingly flashing back to the months she had spent playing doctor in the back of the cave. She had wanted to practice medicine ever since she was a kid, but being the seventeen-year-old CMO for a group of kids on the brink of starvation and hunted daily so that they could be killed for the crime of not being 'worthy' enough, was not what she had had in mind.
"Do you remember where…?" Kevin trailed off, afraid to even say the words. He hadn't gone with them to bury Anya – he had only been six at the time. April, Jim, and Cory were the only ones who actually knew where their Communications Officer had been buried.
Jim nodded stoically, and led them down a different path from the one they had used to reach the cave.
It took a few more minutes to get there, and Jim was drawn to the sad 'X' that stood at the edge of the tiny clearing. It was the only way they had been able to mark the shallow grave. It wasn't like they could have engraved anything, and they were all too exhausted and malnourished anyway, to do much more than stick a few branches in the ground to mark the hastily dug grave, before they headed back out to carry on attempting to survive.
Jim swallowed harshly and looked over at Chekov. He inclined his head slightly, and the Navigator stepped forward, shaking with emotion.
Jim gestured for the others to move back, leaving Chekov alone with his sister.
Pavel sunk to the ground, the action nearly boneless until he landed on his knees.
"Anya," he whispered, his voice filled with grief and sorrow. He reached out with one shaking hand and rested it gently on the pile of dirt that separated him from his sister's remains. Switching to Russian, he spoke to her for the first time in over fifteen years. "I wish I could remember more about you," he murmured, sniffing in an attempt to keep the tears in. "I wish I had known you better. But you did so much for me, even if you didn't realize it. Anya, I want to thank you, for wanting more than life in Syurye. You gave me hope that I could get out and see the universe as well." He glanced back at where the others were standing, and smiled slightly, before returning his attention to the grave. "And thank you for giving me Jim. I couldn't ask for a better brother. I promise, Anya, I will try to make you proud. And I am proud to call you my sister. Goodbye."
He stood up and backed away until he was standing next to Jim. He felt a comfortable weight settle around his shoulders as the Captain drew him into a one-armed hug.
April stepped forward next, and her quiet goodbye reached the others' ears as indistinct murmurings. When she finished, she retreated to Jim's side, her eyes over bright with unshed tears. Kevin glanced at the others, and on Jim's nod, shuffled forward to say a quick goodbye to the teenager he vaguely remembered from nearly fifteen years ago. Anya had been a steady presence in his life, as one of the younger kids she had spent so much time reassuring. Jim was their leader, the one they all knew would carry them through the fear and panic. But Anya had been the one to hold their hands as they fell asleep, played games with them when they were all getting antsy, and made sure that they had a blanket to keep them warm or enough food to stave off starvation. Jim had done a lot of that as well, when he could, but he had been busy planning food runs and gathering information to make sure the guards wouldn't find them. He couldn't always be there for the kids the way Kevin knew he had wanted to be.
Jim took a deep steadying breath as he separated from the group and walked slowly towards the insufficient grave marker. They should have been able to do better for her. Hell, she should never have died in the first place.
The others backed up a few paces, giving Jim some more privacy, as he knelt down weakly, feeling the burn of tears in his eyes, but unwilling to let them fall. "I miss you, Anya," he said brokenly, the Russian words escaping his lips as easily as if he were speaking Standard. "I'm sorry. I should have been better. I should have been able to save you. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough." He spared a quick half-glance back to where the others were standing, and then returned his gaze to his friend's grave. "Your brother is amazing. He's so smart and talented, just like you. I promise, I'll protect him as much as I can, but he's got the same wild streak as you, so I don't think he'd enjoy being sheltered." He took a deep shuddering breath, and then stood up, still focused on Anya's grave. "I got out, Anya, just like you made me promise. It hasn't been easy, and sometimes I thought I wouldn't be able to make it work, but I'm still here. I'm living my life, just like you wanted me to. I'll never forget you though. Goodbye."
He retreated slowly, and then with a weak head jerk, gestured for them all to head back down the path. They had been here too long anyway, no doubt McCoy and the others were wondering what the hell they were doing.
The trek back was nearly silent, with Kevin leading in front, and Jim right behind, his hand firmly grasping Pavel's wrist in an attempt to offer comfort. On his other side, April was walking so closely, she very nearly tripped over the Captain several times, but neither one seemed inclined to move apart.
When they reached the tree line, Jim bit his lip, glancing around at their desolate surroundings. Turning back to the others, he sighed, his expression clouding over as he once more pulled up the stoic mask that hid all his pain from the world. "You guys go on. I have one more thing I need to do."
April frowned. "Jim…"
Jim shook his head, attempting a smile that didn't really set any of them at ease. "I promise, I'll be there soon. Just go back to the others."
He didn't wait for them to argue any further, and just headed in the opposite direction of where they had left the botany team. April knew what lay at the end of the path he had taken. Jim was going home. Or rather, what used to be home.
She looked over at Kevin and Pavel and jerked her head down the path that would lead them back to the rest of the group. "I'll catch up with you in a bit. Tell Leonard not to worry, we'll be back soon."
She took off at a steady jog until she had caught up with Jim. He glanced over, confused, and April glared at him lightly, though there wasn't too much heat to the expression. "I deserve a chance to say goodbye to my childhood home as well," she said simply.
Jim nodded slightly, and the two walked the rest of the way in silence. When they reached the home that April remembered had once belonged to Hoshi Sato, Jim stopped. Swallowing harshly, he looked over at her. "Why don't you go do what you need to do, and we'll meet up in a few."
April hesitated briefly, before letting out a weary sigh and continuing along the dirt road to where she had once lived happily with her parents.
Jim only paused for a moment, before he stepped over the threshold to what used to be Hoshi's living room. His eyes unwillingly sought out the scuffle marks on the floor, and the ransacked kitchen. He hadn't been lying when he had told McCoy that Starfleet's primary goal had been getting people out. No one had thought it worth trying to clean anything up, because no one had thought anyone would ever come back. So the house still looked the same as it had fifteen years ago, with cupboards open and empty, the small table broken into many pieces, and a stain of a dark brown color where Hoshi had fallen after the guards had shot her.
Jim knew he was probably shaking with repressed emotion, but he couldn't make himself stop for several long minutes. Finally, he managed to get himself under control. He looked around the dilapidated house, sniffed the tears away, and turned around to leave.
On the door was a piece of paper, the words long since having faded away, but Jim knew what had been written there. With a low growl, he ripped the notice down, crumpling it up and throwing it on the ground as he left the house. He didn't care what that insane asshole thought, Hoshi Sato had never been 'lesser' in anything.
His next stop was his aunt and uncle's house. Once more, he had to force the emotions down at seeing the first home he had ever known looking so rundown. It still looked ransacked, and the bloodstains were still there, right where his aunt and uncle had been killed, in the kitchen.
Jim couldn't stop the tears this time. Marie and Terry had been the first parental figures to treat him with anything other than disdain and indifference. They had opened up their home to him, and welcomed him unconditionally. He hadn't ever told them what that had meant to him. When he had come to them at twelve, he had been a mistrustful pre-teen who thought the whole world hated him, so he might as well hate the world right back. Marie and Terry had just been starting to make progress at teaching him how to trust again, when they had been killed.
Jim wasn't sure how much time had passed, but he knew he needed to return to the others, so with a concerted effort, he managed to slow the tears. Wiping them away, he glanced at the bloodstains once more. "I'm sorry," he whispered, before leaving. The door banged closed behind him, the sound echoing in the eerie silence.
April was waiting for him at the road that led back to the city, her eyes shining with tears. They didn't speak as they turned together and headed back down the road, but April slid her hand into Jim's, and squeezed tightly. They stayed like that through the entire journey back.
Jim wasn't entirely sure it was a conscious thing, that they somehow altered their path to take them passed the mass graves that had been dug to dispose of those Kodos had deemed 'unworthy'.
Jim's steps faltered here, knowing that if he had only done more, there would be fewer bodies in those graves. If he had only figured out about the jamming signal earlier, or if he hadn't run off to Kodos to tell him about the fungus, if he hadn't waited so long after telling him to try and figure out what was going on… how many things could he have done differently, that could have saved so many more people?
April knew what he was thinking, but didn't do anything other than squeeze his hand tighter and gently pull him away, continuing down the road towards the living bodies she could just make out in the distance.
Jim let out a shuddering breath, and forced his mind back to the present. Should have, could have, would have. He would always feel guilty, and he knew that there were so many things everyone could have done differently, but April was right. They had spent too much time wallowing in the past down here. It was time to go back to the Enterprise. It was time to go home.
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