Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek

Alpha shift was over by the time they returned to the ship, so with a few clipped words, Jim dismissed everyone to their own personal time, and disappeared before McCoy could stop him.

Leonard and April left the transporter room together, after promising Kevin and Chekov they'd see them later, and headed back to the CMO's quarters in silence. Leonard kept a grip on April's hand through the entire trip, hoping to offer some sort of comfort, but unsure if he was succeeding.

When they reached Leonard's quarters, they immediately dropped onto the couch wearily, thankful that Joanna was spending the night with one of her friends, Sheri Conway, the nine year old daughter one of the Ensigns who worked in Communications.

April let out a low moan and sunk deeper into the sofa. "Can we just pretend none of this is actually happening?" she asked despairingly.

Leonard could do little more than wrap an arm around her shoulders and hug her comfortingly. "I wish I could do more to help," he said quietly.

April glanced up at him and shook her head, attempting to smile. "Thank you for being here, Len, that's all I want. And I know Jim doesn't share things well, but he appreciates you being here as well."

Leonard huffed lightly, but didn't say anything else. They remained on the sofa for well over an hour, neither one finding the inclination to move, whether it be to complete paperwork, find some sort of evening activity to capture their attention, or go to the mess hall for dinner.

Finally, April let out a long sigh and made herself stand up. "I think I should probably make sure Jim hasn't completely cut himself off from civilization," she said tiredly.

Leonard stood as well. "Want some company?" Part of him was surprised that he asked. Usually, he would just consider it part of his job description, to make sure the idiot remembered that he was a human being in need of actual human being things, like food, contact with other people, and sleep. But he had to accept the idea that there were others on this ship who cared about Jim just as much as he did, and in some ways, probably knew more about him than Leonard did. April could reach Jim better right now, loathe as he was to admit it.

The duo started at Jim's quarters, but when Leonard used his medical override, no one was inside. April just shrugged and led her boyfriend down the hall, aiming for an out of the way Observation Deck that the command crew liked to use sometimes, when they wanted to avoid the crowds of crewmembers that populated the other ODs. She always liked coming here with Leonard, since it was pretty far removed from the rest of the ship, and therefore, they didn't have to worry about anybody watching them making out. There was something so romantic about kissing under the stars, which was why they liked to use the OD when possible, rather than one of their private quarters, since they just didn't have the same view. It wasn't strictly regulated as command crew only, but because of its position at the end of the corridor where all the command crew's rooms were located, very few other officers chose to use it.

April might not consider herself the leading expert on all things Jim Kirk, but she knew how much he loved looking at the stars. And her instinct proved to be correct, as she and Leonard opened the door to find their wayward Captain leaning against the large window on the far wall.

Carol was there as well, standing next to her boyfriend with one hand pressed firmly against his arm.

Jim's arms were crossed as he stared out at the stars surrounding them. He didn't so much as twitch when the door opened, but Carol glanced over and nodded slightly, her eyes pained with empathy for Jim, and sorrow that she couldn't really do anything to help.

Jim remained impassive as the two doctors joined them, no one saying anything as they settled in comfortably, as if they had nothing better to do than watch the stars all night.

It was less than five minutes later that the door opened again, and Jim, watching the reflections in the glass in front of him, saw Spock, Uhura, Scotty, Sulu, Kevin, and Chekov enter the room. Spock turned around and entered a code into the panel by the door, and Jim knew that he was locking the room to prevent any unwanted interruptions.

The entire group was silent as they took up positions around him. McCoy stepped back slightly, leaving April and Carol the closest, while Kevin joined them, taking a seat at his Captain's feet. The others stayed close enough to offer comfort, but not too close to crowd.

Jim appreciated the way they weren't pressing. They were just… there, in case he needed them.

It was a few more silent minutes before he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "It's the guilt that gets you," he said abruptly, drawing all eyes to him. He felt more than saw Kevin looking up, his neck bent at such a degree that couldn't be comfortable to maintain for long. Jim swallowed harshly, closing his eyes against the onslaught of emotion. "It's not the loss. It's not remembering all the things you'll never be able to do together again. It's the guilt. It gets in and tears at your soul. It's the feeling that if you were only stronger, or smarter, or just… better… that you could have saved them. If you had just seen it, been one step faster, realized what was happening…" He took in another shuddering breath, and opened his eyes. "It's the guilt. Knowing that you could have saved them, that it's your fault they're dead."

Complete silence met his claim, and he knew they were all trying to find some way to persuade him that it wasn't actually his fault. But nothing could do that. He had had nearly fifteen years to let these feelings sink in, and it wouldn't be so easy to uproot them.

Finally, McCoy stepped forward. "Jim… You did everything you could. I might not know the whole story, but I know that much."

Kevin nodded quickly. "You did more than anyone else, Jim. You got the jamming signal down, you got the info to Starfleet." If they weren't all so intent on providing support to their friend, the others might have shown some surprise at the verbal proof at what Starfleet had been wondering for the last fifteen years. No one had ever confirmed just who had alerted them to the situation, or sent out the information that condemned Kodos and his plans, despite the rumors that it had been the child JT who had saved so many, and then disappeared. "Everyone else was too busy hiding, or enjoying being 'worthy members of society'. I know I couldn't have done it."

Jim rolled his eyes. "You were six."

April leaned forward and rested her head on his shoulder in an attempt to both offer comfort and receive it. "I couldn't have done what you did." Her voice dropped to a whisper, as if speaking any louder was just too much of an effort. Even so, the room was so quiet, they could all hear her. "Jim, you never told him where to find us. He did everything he could to break you, and you never talked. I wouldn't have lasted more than a day."

Jim grimaced and glanced down at her, reaching over to rub her back soothingly. Turning back to the window, he spoke again. "Everyone has a breaking point," he said apathetically, his voice nearly devoid of all emotion as his gaze seemed fixed on something only he could see. "The trick is to get out before your enemy finds it. You don't know what you're capable of until you're up against it."

McCoy definitely wanted to say something to that, but he had no idea what he would say, so he just bit his tongue and kept quiet. Interestingly enough, Spock seemed to be having the same problem, while Uhura kept the Vulcan in his spot by grasping his hand so tightly, it had taken on a chalk-colored tinge. The Communications Officer's face was alternating between periods of horror, before she managed to get herself under control and schooled her expression back to neutrality.

Sulu and Scotty had settled on disturbed and troubled, but were letting those who were closer to the situation handle it. They would stay all night, if necessary, to show Jim that they would never abandon him, and that this didn't change anything, but they knew that they weren't whom the Captain needed right now.

Chekov had joined Kevin on the floor, his hand resting against Jim's leg lightly, a simple gesture that he hoped could help ground the Captain in reality and keep him from slipping completely into the past.

Carol was still a steady presence at Jim's side, grasping his arm tightly and offering what little comfort she could. She would do anything if it meant showing Jim that she would always be there for him, no matter what horrors he had had to live through in the past, or in the future. She could never think less of him for this. If anything, it was the opposite.

"Jim, it wasn't your fault," Kevin felt like he had to state it, even if he knew it wouldn't make a difference.

Indeed, Jim just grimaced and shrugged. "I did a lot of things on that planet that I'm not proud of," he admitted quietly. "And I know in my head that what you're saying might be true, but it doesn't make it any easier to live with. It's like…" he sighed and shook his head slightly. "It's like getting slipped the worst roofie of all time, and then waking up to find you've burned half the city down." He felt himself shrug again. "You can say it wasn't my fault, that I would never have done it if I had been in control, but at the end of the day, I'm still the one with the lighter in my hand."

Complete silence met that analogy. After several minutes, April finally let out a low sigh. "Jim, you're the reason I'm still alive. You're the reason Kevin's still alive. And so many others. Tom, Kieran, Percy, Rose, Sha'al, and all the rest. We survived because of you."

Kevin nodded quickly. "If it weren't for you, Starfleet would never have known something was wrong. They would never have come."

Jim didn't respond to either claim, but he did relax slightly, a minute gesture that they only caught because they were all watching him so intently.

Uhura knew that she should probably stay quiet and let those who could actually relate handle this, but she couldn't help herself. "Just face the facts, Jim, you're amazing. Embrace it."

Jim let out a low snort as he looked at Uhura's reflection in the glass, meeting her gaze through the distorted image. "Hoshi would have loved you," he said quietly, a soft smile on his face as he remembered the first teacher he had ever had who hadn't told him to stop being so smart. "She was a hard ass too."

Uhura blinked, surprised at the sudden topic change. And then the words filtered through her brain and she realized what he had said. "Wait, Hoshi Sato? But didn't she die…"

Jim nodded slightly, his gaze flickering down briefly. "Nearly fifteen years ago. She retired to Tarsus. She was one of the first ones to die. I'm guessing Starfleet didn't want it known that she was on Kodos' kill list."

"So you knew her?" Uhura asked excitedly, before remembering that now probably wasn't the time for such enthusiasm.

But Jim just chuckled amusedly, more life shining through his eyes than they had seen since Komack had given them this mission. "Brilliant linguist. She insisted I learn Vulcan before she would consent to teach me Klingon."

Uhura leaned forward slightly, intrigued. "So she's the one who taught you all the languages you know?" she asked, impressed that he had in fact learned from the woman who had pioneered the universal translator.

Jim shrugged, looking down. "Just the first few. I picked up a few more traveling the galaxy after…" He trailed off, not finishing that sentence. After a moment, he shook himself off, and looked back up. "She was pretty surprised when I asked her if she'd teach me. I didn't even know what xenolinguistics was. I just wanted her to teach me to swear in Klingon."

"Xenolinguistics, study of alien languages, morphology, phonology, syntax," Uhura quoted, remembering their first meeting. She had gotten the distinct impression that he had been quoting someone. "She's the one who told you that."

Jim grinned at her, nodding slightly. "Hoshi did always say I had a talented tongue."

The others all looked confused at the allusion to a conversation that they were not privy to, but didn't comment, seeing the slight lift in depressing mood, and happy that Jim seemed to at least remember some of his time on that planet with joy.

After another minute, Jim sighed, sobering as he shook his head minutely, still facing the large window and the stars beyond. "You can't change the past. Things happen, life sucks, you get over it and move on. Eventually, it gets easier." He shook himself off and shrugged, the movement of his shoulder blades rippling his command gold shirt. "Maybe I'm not completely fine, but I'm not going to break."

"No one here thinks that," Sulu said quickly, the words tumbling out of his mouth almost as soon as Jim had finished talking. When they all looked at him, he leaned forward slightly, his expression earnest and honest. "We have no idea what to do here, Jim. But nobody thinks you're going to break. Seriously, I'm kind of tempted to slap you upside the head and knock some sense into you for even considering that."

"Not going to work," McCoy snorted, shaking his head despairingly. "This idiot's never had sense."

Jim rolled his eyes at the slur, but didn't protest, and the small smile on his face told everyone he wasn't upset. In all honesty, the CMO was right. Jim had always had a habit of ignoring rules and logic.

When they had all settled down once more, it seemed like the evening was over. Jim appeared to be fading fast, if the increase in lines surrounding his eyes were any indication – and they really were the only indication, since Jim was so good at hiding his emotions.

Likewise, April and Kevin also appeared to have had the mental crap beat out of them by the day's events.

Sulu and Scotty left first, followed soon after by Spock and Uhura. Chekov and Kevin departed after giving Jim awkward one-armed hugs.

As the door closed behind the two Navigators, Jim let out a weary sigh and wilted slightly, his shoulders slumping in exhaustion.

Carol leaned into his side and wrapped her arms around his waist, her face pressed against his shoulder as she closed her eyes in sympathy. "What can I do?" she asked quietly, hoping that he would take her up on the offer, just this once, but not really expecting anything. She knew her boyfriend.

Predictably, Jim immediately offered up a smile, weak as it was, and shook his head. "It's fine, Carol. Don't worry about it."

Carol straightened up and offered him a halfhearted glare. "Jim, you're one of the most amazing people I've ever had the privilege of knowing. You're smart, and capable, kind and compassionate, and remarkably selfless. I love you and I will stand by you until the universe comes to an end, but please do not insult me by insinuating that you are anything less than you are. You're worth our concern. You're worth caring about – what?" She stopped midsentence, confused about the look Jim was giving her.

Jim blushed slightly. "Can you repeat that?"

Carol frowned, mentally replaying her words back, trying to figure out what had cause the Captain to pause. Suddenly, she realized what she had just let slip, and her face turned bright pink. She studiously ignored April and Leonard watching the pair with amused grins.

Taking a deep breath, Carol forced herself to meet Jim's bright gaze. "I meant everything I said." When Jim didn't immediately reply, Carol turned, if possible, and even brighter shade of red. "That's not… I mean… damn it, I didn't mean…"

She was cut off when Jim bent down and captured her lips in a searing kiss. Pulling back, he smiled softly. "I love you too," he whispered.

Carol smiled brilliantly. "Good." She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close, resting her cheek against his firm chest, drawing comfort in his steady presence. "I know we've been together for a while, and that was probably long overdue. I guess neither of us is really that great with feelings, are we."

Jim chuckled lightly, the motion tickling her cheek, and she pulled back, looking up into his amused gaze. "Jim, I know that this is difficult for you, but please don't close yourself off. Keeping all this in… it doesn't make it hurt less, it just hurts the people you shut out."

Jim swallowed harshly, sobering in the face of Carol's wise words. "I'm sorry," he said softly, but Carol just shook her head.

"Don't apologize, Jim," she protested. "You have nothing to apologize for. Just know that we're here, and don't let that voice in your head win." When Jim looked at her quizzically, she sighed. "You know the one. The voice that tells you we're going to leave if we hear the truth, that there's no way we'll ever look at you the same. Because I promise you, that voice is an asshole, and one hundred percent wrong."

April and Leonard snorted in amusement, but the real win was seeing Jim smile and nod in apparent agreement.

"I can't promise to completely change overnight," the Captain warned, "but I do promise I'll try harder, all right?"

Carol stood up on her toes to give him a light kiss on the lips. "That works for me," she confirmed contentedly.

Clearing his throat, McCoy shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "She's right, Jim. No one's invincible, you don't have to pretend that you are. None of us are buying it. It's all well and good to say that you don't need anyone, but people weren't meant to go through life alone, no matter what you think. It's OK to ask for help sometimes. I'm not going to beat that horse anymore though; you know I'm always here."

Jim nodded slightly, smiling at his friend. "I know I don't say it a lot, Bones, but I really do appreciate everything you do for me. You're a great friend."

This was crossing the territory into uncomfortable and way too bromantic for either of them, so McCoy just inclined his head. "Likewise."

He didn't wait for a response, and just turned on his heel and left the room. With an amused smile, April followed her boyfriend, after giving Jim one last supportive hug.

Carol pulled back and grasped Jim's hand in hers. "Bed?" she invited, ready for this day to be over.

Jim sighed slightly, and shook his head. "I need to file my report. I'll be there in an hour or so, all right?"

Carol frowned disapprovingly. "Can't it wait until tomorrow?"

Jim shrugged. "You know Komack will only give me grief about it if I wait. I promise, I won't take too long. You go get ready for bed, and I'll be there soon."

Carol didn't look like she quite believed him, but with one last kiss to his cheek, she left him alone, headed for the Captain's quarters at the end of the hall.

Jim took one last look at the unobstructed view of the stars surrounding the ship, before he headed for his ready room, intent on sending his report as quickly as possible in order to return to the wonderful woman he was lucky enough to call his girlfriend.

XXX

Komack's reply didn't come in until the next day, not surprising since it was relatively late when Jim sent in his report. The response was short and abrasive, as the Admiral ordered Jim to keep the Enterprise in orbit for a week, to observe any signs of life or activity; he also gave an official-sounding reprimand that boiled down to him ordering Jim to hurry up with the plant life reports so that Starfleet could begin to make determinations. Komack didn't seem to care that such experiments would take time, and they had only collected the samples that same day. Komack gave Jim authority to remove any Klingons by force if necessary. It was obvious that the Admiral didn't like hearing about Klingon technology being found on a Federation planet, and he wasn't above further expanding the animosity between them.

Jim wasn't thrilled, but he sent a cordial reply indicating his agreement, before handing the con to Spock and heading to his ready room to contact Chris.

The Admiral picked up almost immediately, as if he had been waiting for just this call. Jim was glad that he was alone, because he really just needed to be able to relax for a moment. Surrounded by his crew, as much as he cared for them and as much as he knew they cared for him, he just couldn't let himself slip. Especially since only a few of them really knew the truth, and Jim was all for keeping that number as low as possible. He liked Jon and Richard, he really did; but he still wasn't completely comfortable with them knowing as much as they did, so he was glad that they weren't around when the screen cleared to show Chris' office.

The young Admiral frowned sympathetically as he took in the slightly bloodshot eyes and the subtle wilt to the Captain's normally straight frame. Small tells that he could only see because he knew the man very well. No one else would be able to detect a difference.

Chris remained silent as Jim gave him a rundown of everything that had happened the day before, stumbling over a few parts, but always managing to find his thread again. Chris hated hearing about Jim having to go through all this, especially since he wasn't there, but he was proud of Jim for keeping it together and getting through the day without any serious issues that would set off any kinds of red flags.

When Jim had finished, Chris updated him on the situation at the Academy. It was slightly alarming, especially when the Admiral told Jim their deductions on Komack's Tarsus assignment. "We don't think he came up with the idea on his own anymore," Chris warned Jim. "I'm not sure who or how or why, but someone planted the idea of sending the Enterprise to Tarsus in his head." On Jim's raised eyebrow, Chris shrugged. "You're not the only one around here who knows how to get around firewalls, kid. He's got those files behind serious protection, but what we've been able to find points to someone telling him about all the reports of activity, and suggesting that the flagship would be the best choice. It could be completely innocent, but I looked at the maps after you called to tell us about this a few days ago. There were two ships closer than you who could have handled this just as easily. There was no need for him to call you guys in unless he had a reason for it."

"Shit," Jim mumbled, rubbing a hand wearily across his face.

Chris winced sympathetically. "We'll get to the bottom of this, Jim. Promise."

"Do you think this means someone knows?" Jim asked worriedly. "If someone wanted the Enterprise there…"

Chris shrugged helplessly. "I don't know," he admitted. "I don't think Komack has any idea, but whoever planted the idea of sending the Enterprise? I can't say. We'll keep looking into it, and if we find anything, we'll let you know. In the meantime," he changed topics abruptly, "are you sure you're doing all right?"

Jim let out a long sigh and leaned back in his seat, offering the Admiral a halfhearted smile. "I'm OK," he said simply. Chris looked at him sharply, and he let out a low groan. "OK, so maybe you were right about telling them," he admitted ruefully, pointedly ignoring the Chris' knowing grin. "Doesn't make it much easier."

Chris shrugged, leaning forward in his seat as he rested his arms on the table in front of him. "I never said it would, Jim. Difference is, they know what's going on, so they're not going to be demanding answers that you can't give. They'll also be there to run interference with the rest of the crew, if necessary."

Jim nodded slightly, understanding the benefits. He just didn't like to have to admit that he couldn't always do it alone.

Chris knew Jim well enough to know what was going through his head, but he had had this argument with the kid so many times, he knew more words from him wouldn't change anything.

After a moment of silence, Jim let out another sigh and slouched down in his seat, propping his chin up on one hand while the other traced invisible patterns across the desk. "I really just want this to be over," he admitted quietly.

Chris nodded sympathetically. "I wish I could be there, kid. Day or night, you want to talk, just give me a call, all right?"

Jim inclined his head, and something in the Captain's expression reassured Chris that he would actually do it.

There was a knock on the door, so Jim quickly signed off and called for whoever it was to enter.

Spock wasted no time in stepping inside, the door closing briskly behind him, as the Vulcan set a privacy code to bar any interruptions.

Jim raised an eyebrow interestedly, wondering what his First Officer wanted to discuss.

Spock came to a parade rest in front of the desk, his hands clasped firmly behind his back. "Captain, I apologize for the interruption."

Jim waved him off quickly. "It's fine, Spock. I was about to head back to the Bridge anyway. What can I do for you?"

Spock looked distinctly uncomfortable, an odd expression to see on a Vulcan, and not entirely easy to detect; Jim could only tell because he had spent a good deal of time interacting with the distinguished race, and with this Vulcan in particular, and he knew how to differentiate the various minute tells that indicated their emotions.

"I simply wished to… inquire about your wellbeing, Captain," the Vulcan said stiltedly, seeming uncertain of his words, something Jim had never seen before.

Jim pursed his lips, slightly startled that Spock would choose to seek him out to discuss his feelings, especially while on shift. Reading between the lines, he knew that Spock was simply worried about his friend. It was a nice feeling.

"I'm fine, Spock," he reassured. Spock didn't seem to believe him, and the doubtful expression on the Vulcan's face would have been amusing, if not for the situation. Jim twisted his mouth into a sardonic smirk. "I know what you're thinking, Spock, but you really shouldn't worry so much. It's not good for the health."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "I can assure you, Captain, my health is perfectly adequate." He paused uncertainly, out of character for the normally stoic First Officer. Taking a deep breath, he continued, "I understand that this mission is more difficult than you outwardly demonstrate, and though I cannot claim to comprehend your situation or position, I do wish to reiterate my previous claim." When Jim just kept looking at him with an expression that seemed partly amused, partly confused, Spock allowed himself a miniscule sigh. "Jim, you are not alone on this ship. Even if we do not fully understand, your crew cares for you. I have noted their reactions to your presence many times over the course of our mission, beginning with the Narada and throughout each assignment and action we have undertaken up to and including our current task. I confess myself bewildered at times, the way you are able to lead your crew with such ease. I do not believe I have the same capability within me."

"What are you trying to say, Spock?" Jim asked stiltedly, his gaze skittering away to the far wall as his hands clenched subconsciously.

Spock pursed his lips. "Your crew stands behind you, Jim. No matter what happens next, your crew will not let you experience these hardships alone."

Jim let out a small sigh, his shoulder slumping as he leaned against his desk. Rubbing a hand over his face, he forced himself to meet his First Officer's surprisingly easy-to-read concerned gaze. "I know things have gotten kind of crazy, the last couple days," he admitted, shaking his head wearily. "I'm usually more in control. Last night…" he grimaced. "Last night wasn't supposed to get that…"

He seemed unable to finish the sentence, and Spock was more than slightly concerned to see his Captain and friend so different from the normally calm and collected man he had come to so greatly admire over the last few years.

Shaking himself off, Jim took a deep breath and straightened up, stuffing his hands in his pockets to stop the shaking, clenching them tightly in an effort to regain control. He swallowed harshly. "I'll be fine, Spock. Once we put this planet in our rear view mirror, it'll all be fine."

Spock frowned. "Rear view mirror, Captain?"

Jim gave the Vulcan a slight smile. "It's a metaphor. You know. When you see something in the rear view mirror while you're driving; it means to put something behind you."

Spock inclined his head, but didn't say anything else, and after another moment, Jim spoke again, telling his First Officer about Komack's response to his report.

When he finished, Spock nodded again. "I will inform Navigations." He moved to leave, but stopped before opening the door. "Should you find yourself in need of any assistance, Jim, I would like to ensure you understand that I am available."

He was gone before Jim could come up with a response. The Captain settled back against his desk, watching the now closed door, his thoughts a jumbled mess as he tried to untangle the strange conversation he had just had.

He and Spock had served together for years now, and while Jim considered him a friend, he hadn't really thought they were that close. Perhaps he would have to reassess. He was grateful to Spock for keeping his history with Tarsus a secret for the last few years, but they had never really had the close relationship he knew the other alternate Spock had had with his Jim.

Jim had a pretty good idea why that was, when he thought about it. He and Spock had both lived different lives than their alternative reality counterparts. He had met Chekov and Sulu years earlier than he had in the other timeline. Same with Scotty and Uhura. He and Bones had become much closer much earlier than the Jim and Doctor McCoy from the other reality. Perhaps one day, he and his Spock would grow into the same kind of brotherly relationship as the other reality's them. But that would take years of missions, years of living and serving together, getting to know each other's every move.

He and his Spock just weren't there yet. And Jim wasn't quite willing to force it, just because of the life another him had lived. He already had some pretty good honorary brothers in Pavel and Bones. Whatever was supposed to happen with him and Spock, it would happen. Maybe it was already starting to.

Because Spock had definitely showed genuine concern in that conversation. Worry for Jim, and not because he was the Captain, but because Jim was his friend. Because he didn't want Jim to go through this alone.

It was nice, having friends. Having a family. Even if Winona and Sam didn't want anything to do with him, Jim still had a family. He liked that.

Feeling much lighter than he had when he had entered the room, Jim headed back out to the Bridge to finish his shift.

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