Happy holidays everyone! I hope those of you who celebrate have a wonderful Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a fabulous Kwanzaa, and an outstanding any other holiday I've missed (for which I apologize).
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek
Carol finally managed to corner Jim a week after they left Tarsus, and the only reason she was really successful was because he was in bed and she had strategically taken the side of the bed furthest away from the wall. Meaning, if Jim wanted to get up, he'd have to climb over her, and she refused to let him.
She had spent the last ten minutes watching him toss and turn, trying to get him to wake up, to no avail. She had been pulled from slumber by his movements, waking to find him in the grips of a horrible nightmare. She knew this wasn't the first one he had had in the last week, but he was usually better about waking himself up and leaving the room before she managed to catch him.
After several more minutes, Jim inhaled sharply and sat up abruptly. Carol made sure to keep a few inches of space between them, allowing him to collect himself without interference. She had learned the hard way that trying to wake him up by touching him was not a good idea. She had been very fortunate to escape a black eye after that attempt, her fast reflexes saving her from having to explain anything to McCoy.
She could tell when Jim realized that it had just been a dream by the way his shoulders slumped slightly, and he let out a soft sigh.
"Jim," she said softly, drawing his attention down to her.
Jim flinched minutely. "Did I wake you up?" he asked guiltily.
Carol sighed, sitting up. "That's every night this week," she commented idly, one hand picking at a loose thread on the blanket covering both of them.
Jim shrugged. "I'm fine, Carol," he protested weakly. "I've dealt with it, you don't have to worry."
"I always worry about you," Carol shot back, leveling a soft glare in his direction. "But you're not fine. If you were, it wouldn't be affecting you this much."
Jim tried to protest again, but under Carol's stern gaze, he finally slumped down, leaning back against the wall exhausted. He really hadn't slept more than an hour or two a night since they had gotten the mission from Komack.
Carol reached out hesitantly and rested a hand lightly on his shoulder, before snuggling into his side comfortingly. "Please talk to me, Jim. I want to help, however you need. But you do need to get it out or you'll never be able to truly let go. I have no idea what I'm doing, Jim. I can't understand what you've been through, and I don't know what you need. Please, let me in. Let me hold you up, just this once. You're always so strong, always helping everyone around you; always the rock, the shoulder, whatever your crew needs you to be. Just this once, please let me be that for you."
Jim swallowed harshly against the threat of tears that was building in his eyes. His gaze stayed fixed on a spot on the far wall, but the tension in his shoulders eased, if only slightly. "I wish I could just say I hated it there," he admitted softly, one hand clenching into a tight fist. "I wish I could say it was horrible, because then I could just deliver a fuck you and move on. But I can't." His eyes slipped closed, and he slumped even further back against the wall. "Because I didn't hate it. I loved it," he murmured, his voice defeated. "It was the first place I ever felt like I might be able to call home. The first place I had something I thought could have been a family. And then it was just… gone."
Carol winced helplessly. She felt horrible; of course she knew that he had had a pretty crappy childhood – Jim hadn't exactly talked about it, but he had parted with small, seemingly inconsequential comments here and there, about his mother and brother, his stepfather. A few throwaway remarks she was almost sure were designed to test her reaction to the news that he had lived in an abusive home. She was always careful to not show any of her surprise or horror whenever he said anything, because she wanted him to keep telling her. She wanted him to tell her everything, whenever he was ready. She was pretty sure she had a good picture of his childhood anyway, but she wanted him to trust her enough to tell her himself. And he would, when he felt comfortable. When he felt ready.
"I wish I knew the right thing to say," was all she could think of in response to his words.
Jim let out a slightly hysterical snort. "If you ever figure out what that is, please let me know. I can still see Lisa's eyes, pleading with me to save her as Kodos choked her to death. I can't sleep without hearing her screams as those bastards raped her."
Carol was crying openly now; she recognized the name as one of the kids Jim had led on that planet, and she remembered Kevin saying that it was his fault she was dead. Clearly, Jim also blamed himself.
Jim sniffed weakly, talking more to himself now, though he was still aware of Carol's presence next to him. "I still play it in my head, wondering what decisions I could have made that would have saved her life; I wonder what I could have done to save all of them, but her especially. She was my cousin, I should have been able to save her. There are days when I can't even look Cory in the eye, because I'm afraid I'll see the anger, how much I failed him. I was supposed to keep them both safe, I promised their father."
Carol winced; she remembered Jim telling them that one of his cousins had been named Cory, but he hadn't said anything about the other. She hadn't realized that the little girl Kevin felt guilty over leading away from the safety of the cave, and the second cousin Jim had praised as being so happy to have him join their family were one in the same. "It wasn't your fault," she whispered, her voice barely audible.
Jim shrugged, not meeting her concerned gaze. "If I'd just been quicker, smarter, Lisa would still be alive, Anya would still be alive. I should have figured out about the jamming signal earlier. How many more people could I have saved, if I had just figured it out earlier?"
Carol tightened her grip around his waist, pulling him out of his thoughts. "You weren't responsible for saving an entire colony, Jim. You were just a kid. That was Kodos' job, and he failed. You did the best you could with the resources you had."
Jim let a small gasp escape before he pressed his lips together tightly. Carol just continued to hold on, providing what little support she could, as she rested her face against his upper arm.
After another few moments of silence, Jim seemed to lose the battle, and several tears started leaking from his eyes, leaving wet tracks as they trailed down his cheeks. He closed his eyes and ducked his head in embarrassment, but Carol wouldn't let him feel bad for showing emotion. She held on relentlessly, as Jim continued to cry.
Many long minutes of silence later, and Jim was nearly asleep, worn out from the last couple of weeks. He put up no protest as Carol maneuvered him down to a horizontal position, never once letting go. "Just relax, Jim," she whispered encouragingly. "Sleep. Your body needs it."
"Don't want to see it again," Jim muttered under his breath, his eyes attempting to stay open, but slipping closed against his will.
Carol's heart lurched painfully as she thought about how he had spent every night for the last two weeks despairingly revisiting that planet and every horrible moment he had suffered while on it. "I'll be here, Jim," she promised. "If you have a nightmare, if you need anything, I'm here." Jim still seemed reluctant, so Carol bit her lip and hesitantly offered, "I'm sure if you asked, Doctor McCoy would bring you a sedative."
Jim shook his head quickly, his eyes forcing themselves open. "No sedatives," he refused. His gaze lowered slightly. "Can't wake up." His voice was slurring slightly with exhaustion.
But Carol understood, and nodded her agreement. Jim didn't like taking any kind of medication, and she could appreciate his unwillingness to take a sedative that might make it impossible for him to wake up if the nightmare got bad. "All right, Jim," she soothed. "Just get some rest. I'll be here."
The tension seemed to bleed completely from Jim's body, and under his girlfriend's watchful gaze, he allowed the blackness to pull him under.
Carol stayed up for the rest of the night, watching, crying for the boy Jim never had a chance to be.
XXX
Carol wouldn't let Jim feel embarrassed when he woke up the next morning, dried tear tracks still staining his cheeks. She pressed a gentle kiss to his temple and promised him that he wasn't weak, before they vacated the bed to prepare for their shift.
The rest of the command crew was incredibly relieved to see Jim looking more rested when the couple arrived on the Bridge an hour later. They had all been worried, watching but unable to help, as Jim seemed to withdraw into himself over the last week, unresponsive to any offers of assistance, whether it was explicitly or implicitly given.
XXX
And so things settled back into some semblance of normal. The Enterprise drifted through space, spending a few days monitoring a star here, mapping a system there. They had no direction, no mission, and everyone enjoyed the relaxed air.
It was nearing seven months after their departure from Tarsus when a new directive came in. Jim shared the mission with the crew as Sulu and Chekov laid in the course and jumped to warp.
Nibiru was a newly discovered planet located in the Beta Quadrant. Not much was known, including whether or not there was actually any intelligent life on it, so Komack dispatched the flagship to check it out.
They arrived in orbit above the planet a week later, and immediately got to work. According to their scans, there were signs of life on the surface. Humanoid in shape, but there was no indication that they were anywhere close to achieving warp capability, which meant making contact was against the Prime Directive.
Jim compiled the report and sent it to headquarters, hoping that there would be no need to stick around for long. A team had already gone down to collect soil and plant samples, remaining in an unoccupied quadrant of the planet to avoid detection.
They were still waiting for a reply from Komack when Spock drew Jim's thoughts from wondering just how long the Admiral would keep them waiting before he declared this mission over. "Captain, I am picking up a distressing influx of volcanic activity from the planet."
Jim pursed his lips, standing up and making his way to the Science Station. Spock willingly shifted to the side so that Jim could read the monitor over his shoulder. "Specifics?" the Captain asked curiously.
Spock touched a few buttons and shifted the images to the bottom of the screen, pulling up the report that was concerning. "If this information is interpreted correctly, the volcano will undergo a complete eruption within the next two point eight days. The resulting destruction will likely be absolute."
"Meaning the indigenous species would in all likelihood be wiped out," Jim confirmed.
Spock inclined his head. "I believe that would be the case, Captain."
"And we can't warn them because we can't violate the Prime Directive."
Again, Spock nodded. "To initiate contact would involve deliberately violating four Starfleet regulations, the penalties for which would –"
"I get it, Spock," Jim cut him off, straightening and glancing around the Bridge. "Is there any way to stop the eruption?"
Spock tilted his head to one side, considering. "I believe a device could be created to halt the process; however, it would need to be deposited at the source of the eruption, which would involve –"
Again, Jim cut him off, this time with a wave of his hand as he quickly turned to the armrest of his chair, opening a comm. to Engineering. "Scotty, can you join us on the Bridge?"
The request was phrased more like a question, but no one could ignore the command in his voice as he spoke to his Chief Engineer. Not even Scotty, who promised to be there in a few minutes.
When the man arrived, Jim drew him and Spock into his Ready Room, before bringing the Engineer up to speed.
Scotty nodded enthusiastically as Jim asked if he could do what they were thinking. "Aye, I think I could design something," he said, grinning. "It would probably take a day or two, but it should do the trick. All you'd have to do is drop it in the volcano and activate it, and it would freeze the magma before it has a chance to get too worked up, stopping the eruption in its tracks."
Jim inclined his head gratefully. "Get to work then, Mr. Scott," he said, a small smile on his face as he observed the man's obvious eagerness. "Let us know when it's done, and the quicker the better."
Scotty nodded again and headed back for the Engineering deck, while Jim and Spock returned to their places on the Bridge.
"Captain, may I inquire as to how you plan to deposit this device?" Spock asked curiously, trying to work his way to understanding what he was certain was a complete plan already formed in the man's mind.
Jim glanced over at him. "What do your scans say about getting to the surface?" he asked.
Spock nearly pursed his lips in confusion at the lack of answer to his rather necessary question. After all, it was one thing to have a device to stop the volcano, but that meant nothing unless they also had a way to get it in the volcano. But he had worked with Jim long enough to know that every question the man asked was voiced for a reason, and generally vital to the overall mission. Despite his own confusion, the threads always connected in the enigmatic man's mind. "The atmosphere makes it impossible to beam down, sir," he said formally, not showing his puzzlement. "A shuttle would be the only option."
"Could one slip in undetected?" Jim wondered. "If that volcano's going to erupt in a couple of days, there's got to be a lot of smoke and ash polluting the air."
Spock nodded slightly. "I believe a shuttle could descend without detection." He glanced at Jim and took note of the slight gleam in the man's eyes. "If I might say so, Captain, I believe I should be concerned for the course of action you have planned."
Jim let out a small snort. "There's no reward without a little risk. We are talking about the decimation of an entire species here, Spock. If we don't at least try, we'll regret it."
Spock inclined his head austerely. "Indeed. A shuttle could likely hide in the smoke as it descends, but an attempt should be made to evacuate the indigenous peoples from the location."
Jim bit his lip. "We'll handle that. Sulu, can you fly a shuttle in a volcano?"
The pilot turned in his seat, facing his Captain head on. "Maybe for a little while," he replied, thinking of the logistics. "The smoke, ash, and heat would fry the controls before too long, though. I wouldn't be able to guarantee more than twenty minutes, if that."
Jim nodded slowly. "You'll take Spock in, then. We'll get you your twenty minutes, so make it count."
Sulu gulped nervously, but nodded and turned back to his station.
XXX
It was nearly a full day later that Scotty informed Jim of the device's completion. He met the away team in the shuttle bay – Jim, Spock, Uhura, and Sulu came together from the Bridge, and McCoy joined them from Medbay, muttering disparaging comments about their mission under his breath.
Jim ignored him, well used to the doctor's irascible temperament by now. He did make an effort to hide his smile of amusement, as he took the metal case the Engineer offered him. "Thanks, Scotty," he said gratefully.
Scotty nodded, his expression a mixture of excitement about creating something new, and concern for the away team. "You know we can't beam you back if anything goes wrong," he warned. "I've been trying to work on an algorithm to account for the fluctuations, but the atmosphere down there just isn't cooperating. So be careful, yeah?"
Jim inclined his head slightly. "We'll be fine." He glanced over at Spock, handing over the metal case. "Bones and I will draw the locals away while you guys take care of the volcano."
Spock nodded austerely, and the group separated to two different shuttles. Jim wasn't a certified pilot by any means, but he knew how to operate a basic shuttle.
Sulu paused as Spock and Uhura made their way onto the shuttle. Looking at his Captain, he was comforted by the smile the other man was wearing. "You'll be fine," Jim assured.
Sulu swallowed and nodded, feeling a little better, before he made his way onto the shuttle. Jim was really great at making people feel confident in their abilities, just by showing them that he had confidence in their abilities.
Jim and McCoy quickly got on their own shuttle, and shortly after, the two groups left the Enterprise, making for the planet's surface.
The shuttles used the smoke from the volcano for camouflage. Jim separated quickly, heading for the far side of the volcano, while Sulu continued to guide their shuttle down.
McCoy was out of his seat and wrapping a large robe around himself as he quickly made his way off the shuttle the moment it touched down.
Jim followed, shaking his head in amusement, as he wrapped a robe around his body as well, pulling up the hood so that it would cover his face. He knew how to fly a shuttle, for Christ's sake; McCoy didn't need to be so skittish.
McCoy glared at him as if he knew what the Captain was thinking, as the two made their way carefully towards where a scan of the surface had indicated a large portion of warm bodies was located.
The group of indigenous peoples were bowing around what appeared to be a large scroll, entirely too close to the volcano which was already spewing smoke and ash; the air was thick and clogged, making breathing a challenge. Jim wondered if maybe they were perhaps praying for some god to stop the volcano, before deciding that whatever it was, it didn't change their plan, so he put it out of his mind as they crept forwards. They were on the clock, and needed to get moving.
"So how do we do this?" McCoy asked quietly, glancing at Jim for instructions.
Jim shrugged with one shoulder. "I'm making this up as I go," he replied, his voice just as soft. Before McCoy could say anything else, the Captain ran forwards, grabbed the scroll from the branch it had been hanging on, and took off running.
With a grumble of displeasure, McCoy was left with no choice but to follow. Behind him, he could hear the entire group of indigenous peoples chasing after them, and he ran faster.
McCoy had no idea where Jim was going, but he followed dutifully, as they ended up at a cliff's edge. "You planning on jumping?" the doctor asked irritably, huffing with exertion.
Jim shook his head, hung the scroll from a low branch on a tree by the cliff, and then took off again, grabbing McCoy's arm to get him to follow. The sounds from the group chasing them tapered off, and both officers knew that they had stopped at the scroll. Jim led them in a large circle, heading back to where they had left the shuttle.
XXX
Sulu carefully lowered the shuttle down, as much as he dared, while Uhura helped Spock into a heatproof suit, attaching the cable and watching as he descended slowly.
The shuttle rocked slightly, and Sulu gripped the controls tightly. "Let's get a move on," he said grimly. "Our window's shrinking rapidly."
Over the comm., he heard Jim's voice reassuring him. "We got the locals clear. You guys just finish up and we'll see you back on the ship."
Sulu was about to reply, when a splash of magma came dangerously close to hitting them, and he had to jerk the shuttle harshly to the right. There was a loud snapping sound, and on Uhura's gasp, the pilot let out a muttered curse. "Crap. Please tell me it wasn't a complete separation."
Uhura shook her head, slipping back into the seat next to Sulu. "Spock, are you all right?"
The Vulcan's voice filtered through the comm. a moment later, sounding almost bewildered. "I am, surprisingly, unhurt."
Sulu let out a small sigh of relief for minor miracles. "Jim, we've got a problem. The cable broke, we can't get Spock back. And I can't keep this shuttle down here much longer. If we don't leave within the next couple minutes, the controls will be completely fried."
Spock inserted himself into the conversation. "Lieutenant Sulu, remove yourself and Lieutenant Uhura from the volcano. I will set the device."
Uhura shook her head angrily. "Don't you dare, Spock. We're not leaving without you."
On the other shuttle, Jim and McCoy looked at each other. It only took half a second for Jim to switch the controls over to the co-pilot seat. "Bones, take over. Sulu, get out before it's too late."
Uhura glared at the controls, as if she could reach through the communicator to show the Captain her displeasure. "I'm not leaving without Spock."
Jim didn't sound like he would tolerate any disobedience as he responded, "That's an order, Lieutenant. Get out."
Sulu sighed, and with an apologetic half-glance at the Communications officer next to him, he began to raise the shuttle up and out of the volcano.
Jim didn't wait to make sure McCoy knew what he was doing with the shuttle, as he pulled out a PADD and immediately started typing furiously. The doctor's knuckles were white as he gripped the controls, operating the shuttle with poorly hidden terror. He had had to take an introductory flying class at the Academy – one of the basic requirements for graduation – so he knew the mechanics, but he really hated putting it to practice.
In other circumstances, Jim might have enjoyed his friend's discomfort, but he was too busy right now. "Scotty, do you have a way to beam Spock out?" he asked, his fingers never halting their dance over the touchscreen in his hands.
The Engineer sounded apologetic as he replied, wishing he had better news. "With a line of site, maybe, but there's no time to get the Enterprise low enough."
Spock's voice cut in at that moment. "Captain, if we reveal the ship, the Prime Directive will be violated. I have set the device, it will activate in fifty-four point two seconds."
Jim nodded, even though neither of the two men could see him.
McCoy glanced over briefly, before returning his attention to the completely empty space around him, as if afraid he might hit something if he took his gaze off the inky blackness in front of him for even a second. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked gruffly.
Jim allowed himself a small smile as he managed to find the hole he was looking for. "Just fly the shuttle, Bones," he said, his smile widening as he got through. "Got it. Scotty, try beaming him up now."
He set the PADD down and took the controls back from McCoy just in time to guide them into the shuttle bay entrance. He really hoped it worked. He had managed to boost the transporter's capability using a variation of a formula that could potentially compensate for the atmosphere's influence, but there was no way to know if he had gotten it right, and no time to test it before putting it into practice. It was what Scotty had been trying to do before they had gone down, but the Engineer hadn't been able to figure it out in time. However, Scotty wasn't specifically a computer specialist, and he didn't know the Enterprise as well as Jim did.
Sulu and Uhura maneuvered through the open shuttle bay doors right behind them, and together, the four ran down to the transporter room as quickly as they could.
Spock was standing there, still in his heatproof suit, looking as surprised as it was possible for a Vulcan to look. Scotty was at the controls, looking incredibly excited. "How'd you manage to do that?" he asked, as soon as he noticed the Captain.
Jim returned the Engineer's grin, his own excitement easy to read in his eyes. Relief was there as well, happy to see Spock alive and well on the platform.
McCoy scowled at his friend. "Did you seriously just hack the Enterprise's mainframe from a PADD?"
Jim glanced over at him. "I'm impressed you actually know how to use technical jargon," he said teasingly. "It wasn't that hard."
Spock furrowed his brow, letting Uhura help him remove the heatproof suit as he stepped off the transporter pad. "Is there a security issue with the Enterprise's computer system, Captain? Should we address this with the Admiralty?"
Jim shook his head, chuckling lightly. "Trust me, Spock, no one else knows it's there. Nobody knows this ship better than I do. Physically or technically."
Spock nodded in understanding, though it still concerned him that it was possible to get through the multiple security protocols in place designed specifically to stop such a thing from occurring. But Jim had been an integral member of the team that had designed the Enterprise, so it was not outside the realm of possibility that such intimate detail of the ship had given him knowledge of how to circumnavigate the security walls and get through the system.
"I thank you, then, Captain, for your action. You saved my life."
Jim shrugged, suddenly embarrassed. "It's my job to protect my crew, right?"
Spock almost frowned – again, Jim was deflecting gratitude and appreciation. Why did the man insist on not seeing his own worth? But he didn't comment further.
Uhura, from her place next to Spock, nodded along with her boyfriend's words. "Thanks, Jim. And I'm sorry for arguing, back there."
Jim shook his head. "It's fine. I know you were worried." He glanced at the others. "Why don't we all get back to our posts, and get the hell out of here. I'd say this mission has been completed." They all nodded and separated to return to their respective domains. McCoy headed back to Medbay, and Scotty to the Engineering deck. Jim let Sulu and Spock walk ahead of him, lightly touching Uhura's shoulder to get her to drop back and walk with him. His expression turned serious as he looked at her. He knew he needed to say something about her disobedience, but he didn't want her to have to have an audience for it. "Understanding aside, you need to remember that while you are on shift, you are an officer first, and a girlfriend second."
His gaze was sympathetic but firm. Uhura met it head on, recognizing the rebuke and feeling grateful that he was doing so in such a gentle way. "I get it, Nyota. The thought of something happening to Carol terrifies me. But while we're on duty, our responsibility has to be the mission first. My goal is always to make sure everyone gets out alive, and I need to know that my crew will listen to orders, because I don't have time to argue with them. You know as well as I do that even a few seconds can make a world of difference, when lives are on the line and people are in trouble."
Nyota nodded, shamefaced. "I'm sorry, Jim. I know you're always trying to get everyone out safely. I should have known you were already working on it."
Jim smiled slightly. "Fear can make us go against our better judgement sometimes. So let's just put it behind us and try to learn from the experience."
Nyota nodded again, once more marveling at the amazing leader she was privileged to call her Captain and friend. Any other Captain wouldn't have cared about calling her out in public, or giving her a written reprimand that would go in her official file, and might actually have further consequences. Any other Captain wouldn't have taken the time to assure her that her disobedience was understood, even if it was wrong. But Jim managed to somehow combine the rebuke with a calm assurance that he didn't hold her actions against her, and that the situation would go no further than this conversation.
With a smile, she slipped into her seat on the Bridge, and got back to work.
Hey, it took 20 chapters but I finally got to the Into Darkness events! Please review!