Chapter 18 TDT

They all drove home in silence the whole way. Elena curled up under one of Damon's jackets and slept as the reality of her traumatic experience finally took hold of her body. Stefan seemed calm and collected while Damon looked over at him occasionally. They both wanted to talk, had so much to say but neither of them knew how to begin or wanted to be the first one to admit that. It was a powerful stalemate. The hours seemed to fly past as Elena dreamt of a world where she could be happy without supernatural interference, Stefan pondered on a life without anyone he so loved and cared about and Damon considered going into the tomb and being with Katherine again just to have someone.

They reached Mystic Falls late the next day. Caroline had successfully managed to keep Jenna out of the loop and everyone was safe and relieved to have them all back in one piece. Elena seemed emotionally drained and exhausted as they arrived at the Gilbert house and Damon looked over at Stefan to intimate he should make sure she got to her bed safe and sound. Stefan gave a tight smile and left the car to escort her to her door. He walked her up to the steps and she turned to him, still wearing Damon's jacket around her. He noticed it for the first time and his throat tightened. She sighed and he looked to her face.

"Stefan…I don't know how to feel. Everything is just so…"

"I know." He said sadly and she nodded.

"I thought that I was going to die today." She whispered and he tightened.

"We got him Elena, whoever he was, he's dead now." He reassured and she stared at him for a moment.

"I wasn't talking about that." She said and he frowned not understanding her meaning. She pulled Damon's jacket off and held it in her hands as she looked down at it and he clicked. She was talking about catching them together making love. She looked up at him as his eyes filled with tears. He hadn't wanted to hurt her. He loved her so much, but Damon and he were equals. They fit together. He loved him with so much more of his true self than he could ever show her.

She handed him Damon's jacket and he blinked a tear down his face as he reached out and took it from her.

"We don't belong in the same world." She said as she became emotional too.

"No." He shook his head in agreement.

"But Damon does." She added, tears flowing from her cheeks as she tried to hold her composure. "I can love you as much as I do, but it doesn't change anything. You'll always be torn between my world and yours."

He looked to her and swallowed.

"Do you love him?" She asked, avoiding his eyes and he choked and let more tears roll down his face as he rubbed his thumb over Damon's jacket. "Don't tell me." She said quickly as she held herself. He bit his lip and nodded and she sighed in pain.

"I love you too." He said and she choked, sobbing a little as they stood apart holding themselves. "I'll always look after you." He said and there was such finality to his voice that she put her hand over her mouth to stop herself from sobbing loudly.

"I know." She croaked and he closed his eyes and tried to breathe.

"Will you tell anyone about us?" He asked nervously and she gave a small hysterical sounding chuckle. He looked into her eyes and she stared back at him as if she was trying to read his mind.

"No." She whispered and he exhaled. They stood for a few moments unsure of how to end their conversation before he nodded and turned to leave. She reached out for him and grabbed his arm, turning him back towards her.

"You know what the cherry on the cake is?" She asked and he exhaled in disbelief that she should use that term. "I knew there was something between you. The way you looked at him lately. Is there…anything I could have done?" She asked and he frowned not understanding. "Something I could have done for you?" She added and he sighed.

"No." He said genuinely and she released him as he gave her a small smile and turned back towards the road. Damon was gone.

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Damon tried not to think too much as he rattled around in his wardrobe and dumped his clothes into some suitcases. He didn't want to come back here for a long time so he should take everything with him. He'd done it before, he could do it again. His shirts seemed reluctant to obey as they caught on other hangers next to them and he growled and pulled them roughly from the wardrobe. His usual inclination towards order and neatness was thrown out of the window as he stuffed what few possessions he had accumulated here into the cases. He bit his lip painfully as he tried to withstand the tsunami wave of emotion threatening to overwhelm him. He'd lost everything. He'd known it would happen from the start but he'd hoped for a little time to prepare for it before it happened. He'd wanted to have time to plan an escape, but this had happened so suddenly he felt like he was drowning.

He had to stay in control, stay calm and focussed, find somewhere to go. Maybe he could back to New York for a while. He had friends there, it was a good place to chill and hunt. It could be a good distraction. New Orleans would be easier but he couldn't risk bumping into Charlotte there so that was out. He was carrying the last of his things down the stairs when Stefan's footsteps approached on the gravel. He panted for breath trying to calm his racing heart and pulled his best Damon-esque face as Stefan walked in the door. Immediately Stefan looked to the bags.

"What's this?" He asked sounding numb and defeated and Damon stared at him blankly. "You're leaving?" Still Damon didn't answer and Stefan exhaled and looked to him. Damon summoned all of his strength and lifted the bags slowly, concentrating on the task at hand as he urged his legs to move forward one after the other. He walked awkwardly past him and headed for the door as he fought to keep himself blank. He managed to get out of the door without looking back and walked outside towards his car, opening the boot and filling it with his meagre possessions. He slammed the trunk closed and let a tear slip from his eye as he breathed the cool night air. Stefan hadn't followed him out and he was glad. At least he'd be able to leave with some dignity.

He walked back into the house for his last bag to find no sign of Stefan. He lifted the bag, fighting tears ferociously as he bit his lip. Stefan wasn't even going to say goodbye? He closed his eyes shaking slightly and spilled tears down his cheeks that he wiped away with the back of his hand. He looked around the lounge one last time, trying to memorize everything like a photograph in his head that he could cherish forever.

"Goodbye Stefan." He whispered and headed out to the car. He threw the suitcase in the back seat of the Camaro and recollected himself. This was it. He was leaving for at least 50 years. He looked up to Stefan's room. The light was on. He stifled a sob and clenched his jaw. This was his own fault, he'd encouraged this. He'd participated in something that was no more than an endorphin fix and now he was going to have to pay for it. Maybe after enough time had passed they could…no. No he knew he couldn't go back now. He let Stefan in, physically and emotionally and he'd never done that with anyone but Katherine. Both of them had decided that he wasn't up to their standards, that he was easily replaced and it hurt more than he could bare. He started the ignition and wiped a stray tear from his eye as he huffed and put the car into gear, pulling off slowly.

Suddenly Stefan ran out in front of him and he knocked him over. He stepped on the brake hard and jumper out as Stefan got to his feet unsteadily. He helped him stand and they looked at each other.

"Don't go." Stefan whispered.

"I have to." Damon whispered back and Stefan's face creased with pain.

"Damon I love you." He said as his eyes filled with tears and Damon shook his head, feeling his own tears threaten.

"No." He croaked and Stefan held his face between his hands. He tried to avoid his eyes as he fought his heart breaking. "Stefan please…let me go."

"I can't. Damon don't leave me." They both let tears slide now. "I was trying so hard to be something I'm not and you kept telling me."

"No." Damon croaked and Stefan pulled him closer.

"I can be myself with you."

"That's not enough for me. That's not enough reason for me to stay with you, just so you can feel normal!" Damon huffed and struggled against him as Stefan tried to hold him tenderly.

"Someone once told me that you should be with the person that makes you feel the most alive, that makes every day worth living for and that's you. Damon that's you!"

"No!" Damon pulled away and tried to get back into his car as Stefan barred the way with his body.

"Ok, ok! You want your cherry? I'll give you the biggest cherry in the universe. I love you. I fucking love you more than I can believe. I can't breathe without you, I can't think…I'll weep at your feet!" Stefan begged and Damon hung his head and growled in pain and anguish.

"Get out of my way!"

"No you'll have to kill me!" Stefan blocked his way again and pressed his back into the drivers' door panting as Damon clenched his jaw. "If you're going to go then just kill me. It was what you wanted to do when you first came back here wasn't it? Well do it finally! Because I can't live another day unless I have you." Stefan cried unashamed as Damon sat down on the ground and put his head in his hands. Stefan slid down onto the ground too and watched him numbly as Damon shook and held himself tight.

Stefan wasn't sure how long they sat there breathing and sobbing but the sun began to rise slowly and he felt his body ache from tiredness. He stood up and looked up at the sky, remembering that day so many weeks ago it seemed, when he threw his ring into the water and tried to die. Damon had come and saved him that day, saved his heart as well as his body and it had been the beginning of something that neither of them could ever have forseen. The sky began to change to a pink cotton candy colour and he inhaled and breathed in the scent of the sun in the air. The light brought life and rejuvenation to the world around them. He thought that day beside the lake that there was no light inside of him – that Elena was the only light but he'd been wrong. Damon was a light too. He was a light. Anyone who could love this intensely had light in them and together he and Damon could light up a baseball field. They may not be alive anymore but they lived and he intended to continue. He pulled Damon up onto his feet and he came willingly, tired from all of their grief. They went back into the house and climbed the stairs to Damon's room.

Damon had changed the bed and tidied up after their debauchery and Stefan smiled at that. As he began to remove Damon's clothes for him he noticed the candles everywhere. Damon must have brought them in. Damon stood numbly and let Stefan undress him until he was nude. It seemed as though he was too tired to do anything but that. Stefan led him over to the bed and moved the covers aside to let him slide inside. He undid the rest of his clothing and slipped in beside him, turning to him as Damon stared up at the ceiling.

"You're the cherry." Stefan whispered and Damon turned to look at him. Stefan looked at him hopefully but Damon turned on his side away from him and went to sleep. Stefan lay as close to him as possible without touching him and fell into a restless anxious slumber. When he opened his eyes Damon was dressed and moving around the room quietly. He sat up unhappily.

"Damon…"

"I'm leaving Stefan. This was a huge mistake. I told you that from the start." Damon said calmly as he moved a large painting aside to reveal a hidden safe. Stefan slowly rose from the bed and walked over to him. Damon keyed in a code and opened it, retrieving a document and Stefan frowned as he looked at it in query. Damon sighed and opened it up, handing it to him.

"The deeds to the house. I had them drawn up again after Zach. Take them." Damon said and Stefan exhaled in pain. This could mean only one thing. Damon wasn't ever coming back. He shook his head in disbelief.

"Don't do this." Stefan whispered. "Brother I love you. I love you so much."

"Stefan you'll be fine…" He croaked and Stefan tilted his head downwards and let some tears spill from his eyes as Damon continued, "…but I won't be if I stay with you."

Stefan looked at his face as Damon's composure began to crumble.

"This can't ever play out any different than this and I won't survive it if I don't leave right now."

"We can make this work. Elena said she wouldn't tell anyone. No one has to know." Stefan blurted and Damon closed his eyes and exhaled.

"I don't care if the whole of America knows Stefan." Damon said with conviction and Stefan sighed.

"What do you want? What can I do?"

"Go back to your girlfriend." Damon whispered and closed his eyes and Stefan huffed getting agitated.

"Stop saying that! I don't want her anymore!" Stefan growled and grabbed him by the arms. Damon opened his eyes and looked at him defeated and Stefan cupped his face. "You make me want to live." He searched Damon's eyes. Damon made no comment or attempt to hold him back and Stefan felt tears threaten again. He felt like all he'd done for the past 24 hours was cry and be in pain. He was tired of it, it solved nothing. He pulled Damon into him forcefully, taking Damon by surprise and captured his mouth commandingly. Damon groaned but didn't stop him as he surrendered his mouth. Stefan kissed as though it was his last chance to and pretty soon Damon's face was damp from his tears as their faces touched. Stefan began to sob in between kisses, trying to breathe and Damon finally raised his arms and held him, sobbing also.

Stefan had never cried while kissing before, it was much harder to breathe than he would have thought. It was so intense and Damon groaned as silent tears fell down his cheeks too. They broke apart and pressed their foreheads together as they tried to catch their breath and calm down. Everything seemed urgent, every touch, every breath. They clung to each others' arms as though they might die if they let go and pulled back to look at each other. They stared into each others' eyes, seeing the pain and distress reflected and began to kiss again.

"I'll do whatever you want." Stefan said in between kisses and Damon closed his eyes and didn't respond. "I don't care about anything other than you." Damon pulled back from his mouth and frowned, cupping Stefan's face and stroking his thumb over his lips.

"That's not who you are brother. You care. It's me that doesn't give a damn."

"But you do. You say that but you still came when I asked you to because of her. You care about her. You even cared about Caroline enough to stop her from coming with us." Stefan pointed out and Damon sighed.

"And where does it get me. What do I gain from it?"

"Friendship, love, respect. All the things you've been denied, if only you'd let it happen."

"Those are the things you care about, things that you need."

"Not more than I need you." Stefan said. He held Damon's waist. "I really felt it, what we've done, when you wouldn't answer." Stefan struggled to say and Damon frowned. "I called you that last time needing my brother and I didn't want to have to deal with everything that had happened between us that was…more. I wished it was simpler, separate."

"But it's not ever going to be." Damon said sadly.

"No, but then I realised how much we've gained from it. I loved you before…always, since I can remember, but now I feel like…" Stefan sighed, "I know you now. I understand you and you've made me realise things about myself that I didn't know." Stefan dropped his hands from Damon's face slowly and stepped back, feeling his nudity for the first time as he backed towards the bed and sat down.

"You'll always be my brother but it doesn't mean that that works against how much I love you and want you. You know me. You'll tell me how things are, like you always have but you'll save me from it too and love me at the same time. Being both people just makes you even more of a miracle." Stefan explained and Damon listened in fear and amazement.

Stefan felt like he saved him? All he had done was be his usual self indulgent self, convincing his brother to have sex with him and accidently falling in love, despite his better judgement and ability to have stopped it from causing the train wreck that was now Stefan's life and Stefan was calling him a miracle?

"You still picked her." Damon said quietly, pointedly, thinking on Stefan's reaction as she had caught them and Stefan looked up at him in pain.

"It wasn't about that."

"Then what was it about?"

"I…I wanted her to understand what she was seeing. I didn't want her to think that we were just having sex, that I was cheating on her." Stefan fought tears again and Damon grew tight and put his force fields up again. Stefan looked down to his hands and twisted his ring around and around his finger, tracing their family crest as he did so. He took a deep breath.

"I wanted her to know that only a love as strong as I feel for you could make me do that to her. That only my connection to you could outweigh everything that she thought we had." Damon huffed and folded his arms protectively. "We did love each other. I wanted to be with her forever. I still love her and I needed to know that she understood that this wasn't just about sex or blood. That it wasn't because she couldn't give me what I needed in terms of that."

"What are you saying?" Damon huffed again, losing patience and Stefan swallowed.

"I needed her to know that this wouldn't wear off, that I wouldn't change my mind once I got my fix." He said and Damon unfolded his arms and looked to him, appearing more vulnerable than he had in a long time.

"I thought you were addicted to sex – that I could have been any one, any warm body for you and you wouldn't differentiate. I thought that maybe that's how I felt too at first, but then I realised you were the only person I would ever trust enough to share so much with, to feed on. I thought you saw it differently but then you let me inside of you and I knew. Especially after what Katherine said – I knew you'd never let anyone inside of you whom you didn't completely trust and I knew then that it wasn't just about sex."

Damon walked over to him slowly and sat down next to him as they both looked down at the floor.

"We're addicts to two different drugs." Stefan chuckled and Damon hummed in agreement.

"I definitely lucked out with mine." Damon smirked and they both relaxed as the mood started to lighten.

"I prefer my new one." Stefan said and Damon turned to look at him. "Being in love with you. For a change it won't get me killed."

"I wouldn't count your chickens yet Stef. Incest in this town?" Damon gave a short chuckle and Stefan reached over and squeezed his hand.

"It's no ones' business but ours." Stefan said calmly and Damon grunted. "If you leave I'll follow you. I'll wear you down, tie you up if I have to until you agree to be with me." Stefan added, hoping to tempt some playful antics from Damon's reserved expression. Damon gave a weak smile.

"Stay with me." Stefan turned to him fully and held his hands. "For once in our lives we deserve to be happy." Damon looked at him with such longing and vulnerability that Stefan felt like he wanted to wrap himself around him and shield him from the world. He pulled him into an embrace and Damon lay his head on his shoulder and sighed.

"I love you brother." Damon whispered and Stefan held him tighter.