Just a wee short one guys…

Chapter 19 TDT

Stefan held him close and stroked his back as Damon melted into him finally. He wanted to make love to him, show him how tender he could be, show him how little he had to worry about in terms of Elena. He moved to pull Damon down onto the bed with him when Damon became rigid and broke away from him. Damon gave him a small smile and shook his head silently.

"I think I need a time out." Damon whispered and Stefan began to panic again. His heart began to race and Damon squeezed his hands reassuringly. He wasn't going to leave but he wasn't ok either.

"What can I do?" Stefan croaked.

"I just need to be alone for a while." Damon said gently and Stefan swallowed. Damon continued to stare at him and Stefan began to realise that Damon meant from now. He wanted him to leave. He felt strange, unwelcome in his room all of a sudden and it was so alien to him. Damon stood up and moved into his bathroom and Stefan sat numbly as he tried to process it. He didn't want to leave, it felt wrong to. It made him feel emotional and hurt to be extradited and yet Damon's body language was making it pretty clear. Damon turned on the taps to his bath and the sound of the water penetrated Stefan awareness. He looked over and watched as Damon moved around, seeing to himself. He stood up slowly and gathered his clothes from the floor. He watched him for a few seconds, hoping he would turn around and notice how much he didn't want to leave but Damon kept himself busy in the bathroom.

"I'll just go and hunt." Stefan said in a strained, confused voice and Damon gave him a subtle nod. Stefan walked back to his room feeling like a zombie. This wasn't quite the ending he'd hoped for and he didn't understand why it was happening. Damon seemed to accept why he'd had to go to Elena. He'd accepted that Stefan finally understood the consequences of their relationship and they had declared their love again. So why was Damon withdrawing?

He dressed half heartedly and walked down the stairs, listening as Damon climbed into his bath and sighed. What was going to happen next? If he went out on a hunt, would Damon still be here when he got back? The thought shook him and he found himself turning and walking back up the stairs in fear. He had to know where they stood. He wanted to give Damon space if he needed it but he had to know! He practically ran back into Damon's room and Damon looked at him in embarrassment as tears rolled down his cheeks. Stefan went to him and pulled him into his arms, water and bubbles be damned, as he kissed him passionately. Damon seemed to become limp in his arms and Stefan climbed into the bath to hold him closer. Water soaked his clothes and swished onto the floor but he didn't care. Damon made sounds of grief as they kissed and Stefan lifted him higher onto his lap and unzipped his jeans. He was going to make love to him and prove that he felt the same no matter what had happened.

Damon grimaced in torment and Stefan lowered him onto his lap slowly. They hadn't prepared him in any way but the water seemed to help. Damon didn't seem to care about it anyway as he clung to him and tilted his head back as he was filled with Stefan's flesh. Once he was fully inside Stefan sat back, enjoying the warmth of the water and let Damon lead. Damon looked to him and Stefan closed his eyes, holding him lightly at his hips, leaving all of the control to him. Damon needed control and Stefan wasn't sure if that would ever change, but truth was, Stefan couldn't foresee any problem with that. He loved him exactly as he was and if he never changed it wouldn't matter. No one was perfect and they were always going to have things about each other that they didn't like – that they fought about, but that was life. Life! Finally for the first time since they were turned, Stefan felt alive.

Damon grabbed the sides of the tub and began to move with more care and gentleness than he'd ever shown and Stefan brought his hands up to intertwine their fingers on the bath edges. As their bodies began to vibrate and reel from sensation, Damon moaned filled with emotion and Stefan watched him in awe of how much he was giving away. He pulled Stefan closer and guided him towards his neck and Stefan hummed and kissed his throat, his fangs extending as his desire spread like fire. He opened his mouth to bite when he stopped himself. Why couldn't they make love without Stefan having to feed? Making love was more important than that right now and he knew he would get enough pleasure and closeness from that alone without muddying the waters of desire. He kissed Damon's throat instead and trailed his mouth down to his shoulder, biting playfully with his normal teeth and Damon began to climax. Stefan held him and thrust up into him with urgency and Damon cried out loudly and became limp in his arms. Stefan lay him back against the tub and caught his own breath as Damon panted. Stefan was close but he didn't want to tire Damon further so he pulled out gently as Damon opened his eyes.

"We're in this together. Always together." Stefan whispered and Damon grunted in confusion. Stefan reached in the water for Damon's member, smiling when he found it still semi erect. Trust Damon to be able to keep going. He began to stroke his with his hand and Damon tilted his head back and opened his mouth. He pumped him until he was hard again and then he made a decision. He stood up and removed his clothes quickly. Damon watched him, his cheeks flushed as he waited and Stefan threw the clothes onto the floor. He sat back down and filled himself with Damon's manhood and Damon exhaled. It hurt a little but Stefan didn't care if he bled. They were equals in this game and he wanted to show him that as he began to make love to him all over again. His urgency grew as his body begged for release and he leaned into him to kiss him. Damon held him around his hips and helped his movements and they both climaxed together in a flurry of kisses and tears and grasping.

Stefan lay against him breathing for a while until he felt Damon tense. He sat back, afraid that Damon was going to ask him to leave again. Damon looked at him with wide eyes and sat up too, reaching around him and turning the taps back on. In their passion they had rid the bath of most of the water and it was cold. Hot water began to surround them and Damon lay back again and kept his eyes trained on him. Stefan didn't know what to say. He rose up and separated their bodies and sat back against the opposite end, turning off the taps again. They sat in silence just feeling comfortable and relaxed, their legs touching, resting against each other.

"You've soaked my bathroom." Damon said eventually.

"I'll hire that maid we talked about." Stefan said and they both gave small smiles.

"You didn't feed." Damon noted and Stefan shook his head. "Why?"

"Because I didn't need it. I wanted to make love." Stefan explained and Damon looked off into the distance and sighed.

"Why did you send me away?" Stefan asked sheepishly and Damon closed his eyes.

"I need to be able to say no."

"No?" Stefan gulped, fear clawing at him again.

"No." Damon repeated and Stefan lay his head back and clenched his jaw.

"To us." Stefan realised and he closed his eyes too.

"No." Damon whispered and Stefan exhaled. "To needing it."

"What?" Stefan looked to him.

"I use it, all the time. I want it. I even managed to convince you to give up your life because I wanted it. It'll ruin us." Damon said.

"What?"

"Sex."

"Sex won't ruin us Damon. Sex with you is amazing."

"What if it becomes more important than you? What if I can't control it?"

Stefan climbed back over to him and straddled him to hold him as closely as possible.

"Then you tell me and I'll make sure you don't lose control." Stefan cooed and ran his fingers through Damon's' hair. Stefan bit his lip. "Just like I know you'll tell me if I'm hurting you, if I'm taking too much and losing it. I know you'll stop me if I become dangerous so I'm not afraid anymore. It can't control me if I don't fear it."

Damon searched his eyes and gave a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"I don't have the same control as you do. I completely failed."

"Failed?" Stefan frowned.

"Even when I asked you to go I knew you would come back and sleep with me. Part of me thought I was making a stand and saying no but deep down I knew you'd come back. So it wasn't much of a test was it?" Damon seemed to be feeling self loathing and Stefan tried to stroke his face but Damon shook his head and sighed. "You can't make this ok Stefan. I need to be able to do this."

"But sex is beautiful Damon, it's not a bad thing, not like my hunger." Stefan argued.

"It's beautiful when you do it for love."

"What are you saying?" Stefan gulped.

"Sometimes I do it to make sure you're occupied, so I know you're not with anyone else. That's not love." Damon gripped the edges of the bath and tightened and Stefan sat back at the other end of the bath trying to think of how to respond.

"Sometimes I need it just so I can feel something." Damon whispered and avoided his eyes. "That's not something that you can fix."

"Who says? So…things get a little hard and you want to run? Well I'm not running. We'll figure this out together. If you don't want to make love for a while until you figure out when you want to because it feels right and for no other reason, then let's do that. I won't feed from you anymore either. We'll do it together."

"I can't. I'll just end up talking you into it Stefan. I've done it before." Damon clenched his jaw.

"Then what?" Stefan frowned getting frustrated. "What do you want?"

"I think I need a break."

"What?" Stefan dove forward, sloshing water out of the bath onto the floor again as he reached for him.

"I'm not leaving you. I love you." Damon reassured, letting Stefan cup his face. "I just need to prove this to myself. If I can go away for a bit and not let myself give in…if it's only you I want…if I could just…" Damon struggled. "When I come back here I want it to be because I know I can be with you without worrying that I won't use you, use sex against you to get what I want."

"Where would you go? For…for how long?" Stefan croaked.

"New York maybe, Boston…I need this." He said and Stefan's expression filled with sadness and longing. He pulled Stefan into him and held him, whispering words of love into his ear.

"What will I do without you?" Stefan croaked.

"You can see whether you can do this too. There's so much here for you, you get that now. Take time to think this through for real. If you still want me when I come back…"

"I love you!" Stefan cried and pulled back indignantly.

"…we'll know we're ready for this and if not, then we'll figure out where we go from there." Damon finished and Stefan huffed in pain. Somehow he could tell from Damon's expression that the decision was already made. He gave a brief nod and got up to vacate the bath. Damon reached out for him as he stepped out and looked at him in grief. Stefan grabbed a towel from the rack and wrapped it around himself comfortable as he processed what to do next.

"When will you leave?"

"I'm not sure." Damon croaked, fighting tears too and Stefan nodded. Neither of them knew what to say next as they stared at each other. Stefan gave another nod and left to get some dry clothes to wear. If he was to get back fully onto a non-Damon diet then he should start now. He dressed again and left the house this time, trying to hold himself together. How was it that his heart was breaking and yet he felt like this was the right decision for them both?

He hunted for an hour and drank until he could hardly walk comfortably. Every time he felt like vomiting he thought about how important it was for him to be able to do this. Oddly, all of these years he had hated having to hunt and feed like this, tasting this and even though he had tried to do it for himself – to think of the reasons why he owed it to himself to soldier on, he hadn't ever found it as easy as when he was doing this for Damon. Perhaps it was just easier to prioritise someone else rather yourself but somehow, thinking of how much Damon believed their addictions were important to control, helped make this less of a sacrifice.

He walked home, pondering on the truth in that and entered the boarding house feeling proud of himself. He bounded up the stairs to tell Damon.

"Damon! Guess what?" He called excitedly, walking into his room smiling when he stopped dead in his tracks. Damon was gone and he'd taken a lot with him. He'd left without saying goodbye.