He's stopped counting shaky breaths in and out since his husband has come out of surgery. Since he's been able to walk up to that hospital bed and feel the familiar warm hand in his own. Instead he's dependent on the quiet ticking of the clock to keep him sane. He has time. There are still steady beeps of equipment surrounding them. The steady rise and fall of his husband's chest is still due to a machine. But as long as those machines stay on, he doesn't have to stay goodbye until he's ready.
Hell, as long as those machines stay on, every shift of that little hand drives them further away from the attack and closer to healing. Every passing hour away from those traumatizing minutes is another hour that they are all still here. And he could still wake up. Miracles happen. They've survived this long. Who's some stranger in a white coat to tell him that Jake isn't strong enough to overcome this?
No. They've never let stupid assholes bring them down before. They certainly aren't starting now.
16 Hours.
"In other news, Columbus Police are investigating a brutal attack that happened yesterday afternoon at a playground near Salem Elementary School. NBC 4's Melissa Johnson is on the scene."
Blaine freezes as he notices the playground from yesterday on the screen. He hadn't been watching the news before, he'd just had it on in the background so the silence of the room wouldn't drive him crazy. But now, he's glued to the screen. He knows he should turn it off. He's own memory of the attack is more than enough, he doesn't need another reminder, but he can't tear himself away.
"Thanks, Karen. Just yesterday afternoon, while many people were enjoying their Thanksgiving meals, a young couple and their daughter were brutally attacked. Eyewitness reports are claiming that the attack was due to the adult victims' sexual orientation. Blaine and Jake Anderson were at the park with their four year old daughter when they were beaten due to the men's sexual orientation. As you can see behind me, police are currently searching for clues as to the attacker's identity."
Blaine's hands are curled into angry fists. The new cast on his right hand is digging into his palm, but he can barely feel it. He can barely feel anything as the woman on the screen tells the entire world what happened to them.
"...One eyewitness report," she finishes as the screen flashes to another man.
"The two men were just sitting on a bench, they weren't bothering anyone. Then their daughter started screaming. She fell off of the slide and there was a little boy at the top laughing at her. I didn't see what happened next, I was trying to get my son so we could get back in time for dinner. But then I heard shouting. When I turned around, this guy was screaming at the girl's father. He was calling them all sorts of horrible names, and next thing I know, the guy has a bat in his hand and is hitting the man. It's a shame. Here is a loving family, trying to enjoy their holiday same as everyone else, and they are attacked for being gay. It's wrong and frankly embarrassing that these things are still happening in our state."
"And did you do anything when you saw all of this happen?" the reporter on the screen asks.
"I called 9-11. I wanted to do more, but my son was right there and I was scared for him... I wish I had."
The screen cuts back to the newsroom where Karen Young, the same woman that had been anchoring NBC 4 when he was in high school, begins speaking again.
"The victims, Jake, Blaine and Olivia Anderson, are currently being treated at Mount Carmel West. One of the victims, Jake Anderson, age 29, is in critical condition. Columbus Police are urging anyone that has any information on the case to come forward."
A black and white drawing, one that has a striking resemblance to their attacker appears on the screen and Blaine has to change channels at that point. His head starts to spin and he has a hard time catching his breath. He can hear the screaming and the yelling in his head.
"Fags!"
"Don't come near my son!"
"It's unnatural!"
He presses his hands to his ears and tries to hum a gentle melody to erase the memory from his brain. It doesn't work. The voices just keep getting louder and louder.
His phone vibrates on his lap and when he looks down, he sees that Kurt has texted him.
From Kurt:
Don't watch.
Blaine's not sure how he even knows about the report until he realizes that he'd texted Kurt at some point during the last five minutes. He doesn't even remember doing it.
From Blaine:
It's going to be all over town.
From Kurt:
Hate to break it to you, it was on the front page of the New York Times this morning.
Blaine starts to panic. There's going to be so many questions. So many people are going to start calling, voicing their concerns. He's not ready for it. This isn't something he wants to share with the world. Not when the world has done so little to protect him from the hate. It doesn't get to voice its concerns now.
From Kurt:
Promise me you won't watch anymore? Or read anything?
From Blaine:
Is it bad?
He knows he shouldn't want to know, but he can't help but be curious. If people are going to be talking about them, he wants to know what they are saying.
From Kurt:
Just remember, you don't have to talk to anyone about this. It's none of their business what happened.
From Blaine:
They're blaming me, aren't they?
He should have known that this would happen. He'd seen the police report from his first attack. He'd read the news article back then. He knows how nasty and insensitive the media can be when it comes to these things.
He probably deserves it. He should have done more to help Jake.
From Kurt:
No. Nobody is blaming you.
From Blaine:
So what is it?
His fingers are itching to pull up the New York Times ap on his phone, but he would rather know what he's getting into before he reads the article. He'd rather be prepared.
From Kurt:
Just, when you read it... because I know you're going to... remember that you don't have to do anything. This is a private, family matter and you don't have to get involved.
Kurt's cryptic message is all it takes for Blaine to pull up the report and read it himself. He's astounded. He's not sure how, in less than a day, they have managed to get so much information. Not only do they know the details of the attack, but they have written about his old attack. The one after the Sadie Hawkins dance.
The journalist is calling for change. And, by the looks of the comments section, he's not the only one. They are turning this into a political debate. They are calling for the Federal government's involvement... And, much as Blaine agrees with them, he's overwhelmed. This isn't about hate crimes, homophobia, or gay marriage and their right to have children. It's about his husband. It's about his Jake who is still in fighting for his life. It's about his family. Him. And he doesn't feel comfortable with any of this.
58 Hours.
From Blaine:
The doctors don't think he's going to wake up.
It's late, well past visiting hours. Olivia has been asleep for several hours and Blaine's family has been forced to go home as well with promises to return early the next morning. The doctor's words are still ringing in his ears. He knows that it wasn't the doctor's fault that Jake is in this condition, but he can't shake the rage he's feeling. None of this should have been happening. They were supposed to be back in New York already. Jake would be getting ready to leave for his graveyard shift at the hospital. Blaine would still be up, playfully trying to convince Jake to come to bed with him and forget about work. They were too young for this. This wasn't supposed to be their life.
From Kurt:
What did they say?
The response comes quicker than it should this time of night. It's late enough that Blaine knows he can't be texting him during a show. No, Kurt is most likely interrupting some important meeting over drinks to text him back. It makes him feel both warm and incredibly guilty. Kurt has a life away from him. He doesn't need to deal with all of this.
From Blaine:
There's too much brain damage to ever recover. They want me to stop life support...
He barely manages to type it out with the way his hands are shaking. The cast keeps getting in the way, which only makes him more aggravated. Normally, he would be at a gym working it out on a punching bag, but he isn't comfortable leaving Olivia or Jake and he's been told he's not allowed to "exert" himself due to the concussion. So instead, he's stuck dealing with it alone. Something he's never managed to figure out.
Barely a minute after he's sent the text, his phone is ringing.
"What do I do?" Blaine asks, forgoing any formal greetings. He's well past the point of politeness.
"That's not something I can answer for you," Kurt says. Blaine can hear music in the background and muttered excuses from Kurt that he can tell aren't intended for him. He wonders what he's interrupted, but quickly realizes he doesn't care. Not if it means getting to talk to his best friend.
"They want me to kill him, they want me to tell them it's okay to let him die. Who the hell asks somebody to do that?" Blaine says, his voice is quiet but harsh.
"I know this is hard, I can't even imagine. But you need to remember that the doctors didn't do this to Jake."
"I don't care! They want me to just turn off the machine that is keeping him alive! It's only been two days, what if he wakes up? They haven't even given him time to heal!"
He doesn't mean to yell, but he can't help it. Beside him, Olivia starts to wake up. He has to pull the blanket back up and set her stuffed alligator next to her to get her to fall back asleep.
"Sorry, I'm sorry. I don't mean to take this out on you. You should just go back to what you were doing," he says.
"No." Kurt's voice is firm but compassionate. "I'm here to listen. I know... I know last time I wasn't, but I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I want to help you."
"What do I tell them?"
"You tell them you aren't ready," Kurt says. "You're his husband. They aren't going to do anything without your consent..."
"But?" Blaine asks, knowing that it's coming.
"But..." he says, pausing a minute. Blaine hears a door close and suddenly all the music and talking from before is gone. "You can't completely ignore everything they say just because you don't like what they are saying."
"Is it stupid to think he might wake up?" he asks.
His voice is quiet, barely above a whisper. The question has been on the tip of his tongue all day, but he's been too afraid of the answer to ask. Knows if he asks his family he'll only hear what he wants to hear. Knows the doctor will give him brutal honesty without trying to sugarcoat it. But Kurt, Kurt will answer him honestly but compassionately.
"I don't think anyone would call you that. He's your husband; nobody expects this to be easy for you."
"I have to let him go, don't I?" Blaine asks.
"You don't have to do anything, yet. Do some research. Ask for a second opinion. Don't do anything that you'll question later," Kurt says.
"I never thought I would have to make this kind of decision, not for many years."
"Did you two ever talk about this? About what might happen?" Kurt asks, he sounds slightly uncomfortable asking the question.
"No, not really. I mean, we have a will. Wes had us put one together when Liv was born. But we didn't... we discussed what would happen if one of us..." Blaine gets choked up before he can finish.
"Hey, hey, he's not dead yet. You don't have to make that decision until you're ready."
"We talked about what would happen if one of us got sick. But we would have had time to prepare for that. We talked about what would happen if we died in an accident, but neither of us... we didn't think that... We didn't think we would ever have to make a call like this," Blaine begins to ramble as his breathing gets more and more shallow. He's about to have another panic attack. It would be his fourth since getting to the hospital and he's beginning to question his sanity.
"Breathe," Kurt says in a soft, soothing voice. "You're strong enough to get through this. Just breathe."
"What if I'm not?"
"Then I'll be strong for you," Kurt says. "You're not alone."
73 Hours.
Blaine sits in the chair next to Jake's bed, praying for the strength to get through this. He's never been a man of belief. He's experienced far too much hatred in the world to ever want to believe in a higher power that would allow such things to happen. But Jake does. He's always turned to prayer when he's needed it.
So, Blaine finds himself here. His hands are gripped tightly and his forehead is resting against them. He's begging for somebody to take care of Jake when he's gone. To hold him when he finds out that his mother's hatred was so powerful that she refused to visit him in the hospital. To make him laugh when he gets too stressed to see straight. To remind him that he's beautiful and perfect the way he is. That, if there really is a life after this for Jake, somebody is there to love him the way Blaine has for the past ten years. The way he won't be able to anymore.
He's begging for somebody to take care of Olivia and himself. There had been vows for a reason. Their family was always supposed to be the three of them...
Suddenly, he's got his head on Jake's chest, sobbing. Overwrought with emotions. Crying for him to wake up. Not to leave him. It's too much, too soon. He's not going to be able to do this. He doesn't know how to lose the person who's kept him together for so long.
But he has to. The nurse is going to be back with the paperwork soon. He's going to have to sign the papers that allow the hospital to turn off the machines that have been keeping Jake alive for the past three days. He's going to have to watch Olivia, still too young to understand what death really means, try to say goodbye to her father. He's going to have to say goodbye himself, knowing that his words will be falling on deaf ears. Everything that's made Jake Jake, is already gone. Was erased days ago.
There have already been too many questions and he knows there will only be more. Does he want a priest? Is he sure? Does he want Olivia in the room when they pull the plug? How is he going to explain this to Olivia? Should they try to call Jake's family again?
He doesn't know how to answer most of them. Doesn't want to have to answer the ones he can. He wants to scream out. Several times, he already has. He's told the nurses at least eight times in the past hour that he's changed his mind. He can't do this. That Jake's young and he just needs more time to recover. Jake can recover from this, he just needs more time.
God, Blaine just needs more time. Ten years isn't anywhere near the forever they had agreed upon. He'll wait years if it means Jake will just wake up. If it means he'll get to see those green eyes staring back at him again. But he in the end, he keeps coming back to the truth. He knows what he's going to do. It's the only option he has. He might be willing to sit by Jake's beside for the rest of his life, but Olivia doesn't deserve two absent fathers. Jake wouldn't want to live a life like this.
He can't be selfish. He has to let him go.
"Will it hurt?" Blaine asks as one of Jake's doctors comes into the room to check him over. Sara is her name. Blaine made it a point to learn it over coffee and an apology last night. He had taken his anger out on her unfairly, not that she had blamed him.
She sighs, stopping what she's doing to pull a chair over and sit next to him.
"No," she says.
Blaine nods, though he doesn't quite believe her. He doesn't know how it couldn't hurt.
"How long will it take after..." He can't bring himself to finish that question. He still can't bring himself to say the word aloud, even if his mind has been screaming it for days.
"It depends. Everyone is different," she says in a soft voice. "Some patients can survive a few days after, some only a few minutes."
"Is there a chance that he could wake up?"
"If we thought that was an option, we wouldn't have suggested this," she says. He can see that her eyes are watering. It makes him feel a little better. These doctors aren't heartless. They made a pledge to save any life they could, they didn't come to this decision lightly.
"I just keep thinking if I wait one more hour, one more day..." he says, holding back a sob.
"This is your call, we won't do anything until you're ready."
"What would you do?" he asks.
It's not the first time he's asked the question. He'd asked his mother earlier today, but when she'd had to make this decision, his dad had been sixty-five. He'd been able to watch both of his sons grow up. This was different; they were both still so young. Olivia was still so young.
"Honestly?"
He nods. Everyone's been tiptoeing around him, he just wants somebody to talk to him like his not going to break...even if he is.
"I would have said no," she says, her voice a little shaky. "I would want to wait forever for my husband to wake up, but..."
"But?"
"But I'd eventually come to the same realization I think you're coming to now," she says.
"Which is?" he asks.
"That hospitals are expensive, especially the ICU. And while money isn't everything, my husband would rather me spend our money on college funds than hospital bills. And my kids need a parent. I wouldn't be able to be there for them the way they really need if I was living in a hospital. And I don't think my husband would want to live life like this. I think he would want me to let him go. But that's just me. I'm not going to tell you what to do."
They sit in silence as Blaine takes in everything she says. He knows that she's right. It only confirms what he's already known. It's time to let go. No matter how long they wait, the decision won't get any easier. And he owes it to Olivia to try and get their life together. Broken and empty as that new life might be.
"When?" he asks after several minutes.
"Once the papers are signed and you say it's okay."
"I'm going to need time to say goodbye," he says, his voice hitching. "I need to talk to Olivia..."
"Nobody is rushing you. We won't do anything until you say it's alright."
92 Hours.
"Am I gonna dies too?" Olivia asks, her lip trembling as Blaine pushes her down the hall and towards the ICU.
"What?" he asks, stopping to move around and kneel in front of her. "Why would you think that?"
"Hossitals are where peoples goes to die."
"What, no, Liv." Blaine takes her small face into his hands gently and forces her to look at him. Her eyes are still red from crying all day and they are filling with tears again. His heart breaks even more just looking at her.
He debates taking her back to her room so she doesn't have to deal with this. But he knows that it's important for her to get a chance to say goodbye. That the social worker they'd had him talk to this morning told him it was important for Olivia to be included in this. That it would help her healing processes in the long run.
"Hospitals and doctors are good people. They do everything they can to help you when you are hurt. And they've really helped Papa. They made sure that he's not hurting anymore. But we talked about this, they can't fix everything. And it's Papa's time to go to heaven."
"But God doesn't need Papa. I needs Papa. Tell God he has enough peoples," she says, stubbornly crossing her arms across her chest.
"Liv..."
"No!" she yells, causing several heads to turn their way.
Blaine doesn't know what to say. By this time, they are both crying in the middle of the hallway. He leans in to pull her into a hug. She clings onto his shirt so tightly that he's going to have tiny finger sized bruises on his chest, but he doesn't care. Their bodies are shaking with the strength of their sobs.
"Snot fair... ryone else gets their papa..." her voice is muffled by his shirt but he hears enough to know what she's saying.
"Hey, Littlebit," he says, trying to get her to look back up at him. She just nuzzles into him deeper. He gently grabs her arms and pulls her away from him.
"I know this is hard. And we will miss Papa every day. But you still have me. And I still have you. We will do this together, okay? You're going to have me."
She nods her head, slowly, biting her lower lip. It's a habit that is so Jake that it stabs at his heart. He's going to have to get used to this. With her light brown hair and green eyes, he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to look at her and not think of Jake.
"Daddy." Olivia puts her little hands on his face and begins to wipe away his tears. "You will be okays, too. G'ama said is okay. He was the bestest Papa in all the worlds, it's okays to misses him."
Blaine gives her a nod and a shaky smile. He doesn't quite trust is voice again, not yet.
"I'll help yous. I'll cleaned my room every day. I'll cook us toast if you burn my macaroonies and cheeses. I love you same as Papa."
"You don't need to take care of me, Liv. I'm going to be alright. And I promise, I won't burn your macaroni and cheese," he says with a small laugh.
"Okay..." she says, giving him a doubtful look. "Cause Papa saids you aren't allows to cook."
"I'll learn," he says, thinking of all the little things he's now going to have to figure out how to do. "Or I'll take you to Trevino's for dinner every night. We'll be okay."
"Okay. Daddy?" she asks, wiping her nose on the edge of her sleeve. Normally, he would cringe and lecture her about using a tissue, but he's past the point of caring about such trivial things.
"Hmm?"
"We can go see Papa now," she says. Her voice is strong, determined.
Blaine nods, giving her one last hug before he stands up and begins pushing her down the hall again. They walk in silence as they make their way to the ICU. When he gets there, his mother instantly comes over to pull Olivia into a hug and whisper quietly to her.
"You two can do this," Cooper says, putting a comforting hand on his back.
He's eternally grateful that he's got his family here to support him. He doesn't know what he would have done if he didn't have them here. He's had enough on his plate trying to be there for both Jake and Olivia.
"I hope so," Blaine says. "I haven't... I don't know what happens after. I've spent so long preparing for this that I haven't thought about what happens when we go back to New York and it's just the two of us."
"You don't have to go back," Cooper says, giving him a knowing look. "You're more than welcome to stay here. You know that Mom or I would take you in and help you with her. At least until you felt comfortable."
The offer is tempting, but he can't accept it. He's spent too many years in this town surrounded by hateful bullies who have made his life living hell. Ever since he was fourteen and spent two months lying in his own hospital bed, he's known that his only chance at happiness was beyond the Ohio borders. The thought of staying here any longer than necessary, after all of this, it's too much.
"I know, but New York is our home," he explains and leaves it at that. He knows that his older brother can read between the lines. That he knows the real reason Blaine doesn't want to stay. But, thankfully, he doesn't call him on it.
"I understand."
Blaine nods and walks over to take Olivia from his mom. He's requested that everyone wait outside so that they can have private time, just the three of them.
"What's that thing around his mouth?" she asks as he pushes her over to the bed. He gets her as close as he can without taking her out of the wheelchair and moves back to give father and daughter some space.
"It's helping him breathe," he explains. He's prepared himself the best he could for this. He knew that she would have a lot of questions. She's always been an inquisitive child.
"It looked like a snickle," she says. Her hands reach out to touch it. He's about to tell her to stop, when she pulls her hand away on her own.
"A snorkle?" he says with a small smile. "Yeah, I guess it kind of does."
"Papa likes snickling," Olivia says, turning to give him a big smile.
"He loves it," he says. "Especially now that you can swim with him."
He pictures the three of them in the Cayman Islands. Olivia and Jake with their ridiculous flippers on, Blaine standing by with camera in hand, snapping pictures. Had that really only been three months ago? It seems like a lifetime away.
"Who's going to snickles with me now?" she asks.
"I will," he promises.
"You hate snickling. You tolds Papa that you'rea scared of the sting-a-rays."
"Nah, they're not so bad," he lies.
She looks at him, doubtfully, but turns back to Jake without another word.
"Papa?" Olivia says, tentatively. She reaches out her hand for his. She grips it in her own and stares at it confused when Jake doesn't grip back.
"It's okay, he knows you're here. Just talk to him," Blaine explains, knowing that feeling she's having. It's strange to hold his hand and not feel that reassuring squeeze back.
"I'm sorry, Papa. I was pushed and that man was so mad. I'm sorry he hurted you. I tolds him to stop... He didn't listened."
Blaine's heart shatters as he hears Olivia try and tell Jake that the attack was her fault. He has to bite the inside of his cheek hard to keep from screaming out. He knows that it's important for her to say what she's feeling. That this is the only chance she'll have to talk to her father and he needs to just let it go for now. But the thought of her blaming herself for Jake's death is too much. If he ever finds the bastard that did this to them, he knows he won't be able to hold back. That Blaine'll take his own aluminum bat to his head and see how he likes it.
"I'ms gonna watch Daddy for you now. I won't letted him be sad. He's be sad without you. More sad that the whole oceans. But I'll tried hard to make sure he smiles. You said his smile makes you happiest. I wants you to be happiest in heaven. Ga'ma and me asked God today to make sure you're happiest."
Blaine's knees begin to feel weak and he has to sit down before he falls to the ground. He buries his face in his hands and wills himself to be alright. He can't look at her. Not while she's being so strong. Not while he knows that this is the last time he will ever see Jake and Olivia together.
He can tell that Olivia is barely getting through this because she's started crying. Her lisp, the one that has started to go away but is still prominent when her emotions are heightened is back in full force. It's almost difficult to understand her, but he's had practice.
"If you don't likes heaven you can come'd back. Daddy said you won't come'd back. You're going to like heaven too much. I know, Ms. Hannah at thunday classes said heaven is the bestest. But if she's lying, you can come'd back. Cause Daddy and I loves you more than God. 'Member that. Otay? Don't forgetted me. I love you so so much. More than the moon."
Oh God. He can't do this. He can't let the doctors take Jake away. They need him too much...
"Daddy?" Olivia's voice breaks him out of his momentary break down.
"Hmm?" he hums, not trusting his voice to hold out.
"Will you telled him that he can come'd back?"
Yes, he thinks. God, he'd tell him anything if it would work. But it won't. He knows better. And he can't let her think that he will. It won't be good for her to constantly be waiting for him to walk back into their lives.
"Sweetie, he can't," he says, his voice breaking.
"I know that. But—But if he wants too..."
"No, sweetie, he can't," he says as firmly as he can without upsetting her. She needs to understand that this is a permanent thing.
"What if he doesn't likes it? What if they are means to him for being two daddies?"
"They won't be mean to him," he says.
It's a painful conversation to have. Jake has brought her up in the church. Has taught her to believe in heaven and the power of God, but Blaine just doesn't. He doesn't believe that anyone would make him gay then have his followers persecute him for it. Doesn't know how Jake continued to believe when his own family disowned him for being a sinner. But he knows that the thought of heaven is comforting for her—hell it's comforting for him—so he bites down his bitter remarks about God and does what he can for Olivia.
"They are going to love him, just like we do," he says.
"He won't want to come back?" Her face falls and it makes him cry.
How can she think that her father won't want to come back to her. That Jake hasn't fought like hell to be here with the two of them now. Blaine knows that much is true. He's heard the nurses talk about how surprising it is that Jake has held on this long. It just... his body isn't strong enough to survive. It has nothing to do with how much Jake loves them...
"Oh, I'm sure he wants to come back. He'll always want to be with you. But it's okay. He'll be waiting for us when we're ready."
"I'm ready now," she cries, turning back to grab Jake's hand with both of hers. "I want to go with. Tell the doctor to turn off my machined too!"
His heart catches for a minute. For just a split second his mind flashes to an image of two coffins being lowered into the ground. He has to take a deep breath to remind himself that she's still here. That the bastard that did this didn't take her away as well.
"It doesn't work like that," he explains, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.
She turns around as much as she can while in a chair and wearing a cast from ankle to upper thigh. She fixes him with a desperate, begging look that he's never seen on her before. "Why not? We can both go, we won't be alone then."
"Sweetheart, we can't," he cries. "Okay? We have to stay here. Papa wants us to stay here."
"It's not fair!" she yells, pushing roughly against his stomach. He knows that she's not really angry at him. He knows that this is just a normal stage of the grieving process, but it still hurts to see her pushing him away like this. Still makes him think, not for the first time, that Olivia would be better off if he and Jake switched places.
"I know it's not fair. But we talked about this, things aren't always fair," he forces himself to say.
"He called you fats," she says, her voice now barely a whisper.
"What?" he asks, leaning in closer to hear her better.
"That bad man at the parks, he called you fats."
"What?" he asks, his brain trying to process what she's saying. "Oh... oh, no. He... I don't..."
What was he supposed to tell her. That they had been called fags? Explain to her that her papa had been beaten up because he loved another man?
"And you're not even fats! Tony's daddy is fatter than yous and papa and he didn't get hits!" She slams her hands down hard on the arms of the wheelchair and he has to grab her hands before she can hurt herself.
"This isn't because your papa was fat, sweetheart," he says soothingly. He knows it's no use covering up the truth. She'll find out eventually and he'd rather be the one to explain it to her. "It's... you know how sometimes people look at you because you have two daddies and we always tell you to ignore them because they are just sad that you get two daddies and they don't?"
"That man was mad because he doesn't have two daddies?" She looks confused. "I would have shared. I'm a good sharer. Ask Ms. Green at school!"
"I know you're a good sharer. You're a great little girl. I just..."
God he's not cut out for this. He was never supposed to give these talks alone. He looks over at Jake and silently begs for him to wake up and help him out.
"He doesn't think anyone should have two daddies. He was angry and wrong. So wrong."
"I don't care that you're gay," she says. Her voice is lisp-free and sounds far too old for her four years.
He gives her a questioning look, unsure where this has come from.
"I saw my other Ga'ma on TV. The one that yous and Papa never talk about," Olivia says, wiping her tears away. "She said that it's Papa's fault for being gay. Uncle Cooper said that she is sad because she didn't want Papa to love you. But she's wrong. I don't care that you two loves each other. I'm glad you did. You maded Papa smile bigger than a crocadillie and I don't thinked that's wrong."
"Thanks, Littlebit. You made Papa smile bigger than a crocodile, too."
"I know," she says with a small smile and holds out her arms for a hug.
He pulls her in tightly and whispers a quiet, "I love you," into her ear.
"Is it time now?" she asks.
He just nods. She turns back to Jake and kisses his hand softly.
"Goodbye, Papa. Ga'ma said you're going to goes away now, but when you wake up, you'll be okay again. I love you."
94 Hours.
After the machines are stopped and the heart monitor silenced, Blaine requests that the breathing tube be taken out. He doesn't know how long this will take, but he wants to be able to remember his last moments with Jake with him looking as normal as possible. The doctors remove the tubes and leave to give them privacy. Cooper and his wife have Olivia down the hall, far enough away from all of this. She's said her goodbye, she doesn't need to watch her papa die. His mother is still here, refusing to leave him.
Blaine climbs into bed with Jake and pulls him close, no longer needing to be concerned with pulling on IVs or accidentally unplugging machines. He places his head on Jake's chest and takes comfort in the continued rise and fall of his chest. He closes his eyes and pretends that they are far away from all of this. Far away from the hospital, the hatred, and the media circus that, for him, will always be associated with Ohio now.
Instead, he pictures them in their first apartment in the Bronx. The one with the closet sized bedroom and broken bathroom door. Pictures them lying in their bed, the one that Jake had proposed in. Imagines it's Jake's hands rubbing soothing circles on his back, rather than his mother's. It's easier this way. It's easier to say goodbye to him with a happy memory. Easier to forget about the horror that has been the past few days. Easier to imagine there's no cast on the arm that pulls desperately at Jake's waist. It's all at once more painful than he could have ever expected but calming. Because he knows that he's made the right decision. Knows that this is what he would want if the roles were reversed.
It takes six hours, but Blaine remains with him the entire time. For six hours, he allows himself to escape into an old memory of twenty two year old boys happy, healthy, and unbelievably in love. When the steady rise and fall stops, Blaine knows that Jake is okay. There is no more pain for him. But when that steady rise and fall stops, Blaine knows that his own heart may as well have stopped as well. Because he's never going to get over this.