Disclaimer: don't own Star Trek

Everything went to hell two days before the Endeavor returned to Earth. Jim was having lunch with Carol in the mess hall when he received the call from Jon, and the duo didn't waste any time in heading back to Jim's apartment.

According to Jon, several news outlets had caught wind of Kodos' impending arrival, and the story was spreading like wildfire; they didn't have all the information yet, just that the criminal had been found apparently alive, bringing to light the lies Starfleet had spread after the massacre over a decade and a half earlier, and was being brought back to Earth to stand trial.

As soon as the couple arrived at Jim's apartment, they turned on the news, wanting to know just how bad it was, settling in for the rest of the day with the vidscreen on in the background so that they would know if the reporters got any new information.

It was a couple hours later when the breaking news logo flashed on the screen, and Jim and Carol listened in dread as the reporter informed the world of the information that had been found in Kodos' possession when he had been found. Pictures and copies of various articles flashed on the screen as the reporter continued to speak.

"New evidence has uncovered that Marie Spaulding, the sister of Winona Kirk, who is of course the wife of the late George Kirk and mother of Captain James Kirk, lived on the colony Tarsus IV with her family, and was amongst the casualties of the massacre over fifteen years ago." The reporter's voice was dispassionate as he talked. "Among the materials found in the former Governor Kodos' possession were school reports and a diploma belonging to one James Spaulding." Another photo flashed on the screen, showing the young Jim being handed his diploma on Tarsus. "The former governor also had several articles and pictures of Captain Kirk. Could it be that the famous Captain was indeed caught up in the horrible tragedy? And why is the former Governor so intent on him? Why did he have all this information on the Captain Kirk? We'll have more updates as they come."

Jim was frozen, staring at the screen. Carol reached out and touched his arm lightly, trying not to startle him. Jim shuddered and seemed to curl in on himself, leaning back into the couch. Carol winced minutely, wanting to make it better but not knowing what to do.

His comm. chimed at that moment, and Jim went to answer it.

It was Jon, completely furious at what the media had discovered, promising retribution; it was a nice thought, but Jim didn't hold much hope that there was really any recourse. That whole freedom of the press thing had been established hundreds of years ago. Unless they had gotten the information illegally – which they may have, Jim wasn't sure – there was no way to bar them from reporting on it. And the media had protection; they couldn't be forced to name their sources unless Starfleet could prove that withholding the information would be dangerous or life-threatening. Besides, it's not like punishment or retribution would put the cat back in the bag.

According to Jon, the other Admirals were incredibly upset that they would no longer be able to do this quietly. Jon was annoyed as well, but he was more concerned at how Jim was taking it. He knew that the survivors – at least the ones that were in contact with Jim – didn't want their histories with the planet brought to light.

Before he hung up, Jon assured Jim that – though they couldn't keep it out of the media any more – he could make sure to bar any unnecessary presence in the actual courtroom while the trial was taking place.

A knock on the door drew Carol's attention away from the computer, and she went to let Chris in. The Admiral looked concerned and slightly upset to see the news playing. He glanced from Carol to Jim, who was still seated at his desk, though he had jerked a hand back at the new arrival, to let him know that he knew the older man was there.

"Admiral Archer," Carol informed Chris quietly, answering the unspoken question, and Chris nodded in understanding.

"And that?" he glanced at the vidscreen.

Carol sighed and sat back down on the couch, Chris following. "I tried to get him to turn it off a couple times," she explained quietly, looking down at her lap. "He wanted to know what they were saying, so that he knows how bad it is."

Jim finished speaking with Jon and joined the other two. Chris gave him a look filled with sad understanding, but stood up and went to switch off the screen. "That's what Jon's here for," he rebuked gently. "It's his job to monitor these things, so that you don't have to torture yourself."

Jim grimaced, but didn't protest, and Chris sat back down. "Where are the others?" he asked curiously. "It seems you guys have been pretty inseparable for the last couple days."

It was true, it seemed as if April and Kevin had been stuck to Jim's side, and Cory was here whenever he didn't absolutely have to be at his own job.

Jim shrugged. "April had a shift at the hospital, Kevin picked one up in the Navigations lab, and Cory had a meeting this afternoon."

Chris nodded. The world wasn't stopping just because of this, and it was good for them all to keep busy. However… "You might want to let them know," he hedged, "so that they have a chance to get out of public eye before someone finds out their connection as well. Just in case."

Jim winced, and went to go inform Kevin, April, and Cory. While their presence on Tarsus was never strictly advertised – not that anyone's presence on the planet was actually really advertised – if the press was digging, they might uncover the names of more survivors. Especially the nine witnesses, of which Kevin was one. And Cory was Jim's cousin, someone might make that connection, particularly since the news had already announced Winona's familial relationship with his own mother. Cory's last name was Spaulding, after all, and Jim knew that there was at least one photo of the two of them displayed proudly on the desk in Cory's office at UC Berkley. Someone could very easily connect the dots.

He also left a message for Tom, who was due back on Earth that afternoon, and should know what he would be arriving to.

Cory, Kevin, and April agreed to head to Jim's apartment immediately, hoping to avoid any news attention.

When Jim rejoined Chris and Carol on the couch, it was obvious that he was barely holding himself together.

Chris wanted to ask how he was doing, but he knew the answer to that, so he just sighed and said, "Jon and Attorney General Robbins would like to speak with you, Ensign Riley, and Doctor Leighton tomorrow morning. You'll probably receive a request from Robbins soon. I told them Doctor Leighton is supposed to arrive sometime today."

Jim nodded silently, but didn't give a verbal reply. He just continued to stare at the far wall, the look in his eyes making it clear he wasn't completely present, with his thoughts.

Chris bit his lip. "What can I do, Jim?"

After a moment, Jim shivered minutely and drew himself out of his less than pleasant thoughts. "Go back in time and kill whoever leaked the story before they get a chance?" he asked, only partly joking.

Chris snorted softly, shaking his head. "If I could, I would." He sobered immediately. "I know how much effort you put into making sure this never got out, but I promise, Jon's all over it. From what he told me, he's already spoken with the Endeavor's Captain, and they're working on finding out who talked to the press. Whoever it is will be dealt with."

Jim leaned back wearily. "Doesn't really make me feel better, but thanks."

Chris winced sympathetically, understanding completely. It was all well and good to punish whoever did this, but it wouldn't make people un-hear what the news report had said.

April and Kevin arrived ten minutes later, looking harried and more than a little annoyed. "There's an army of press camped outside," April informed them as she collapsed into a chair. "We had to sneak in the back to avoid them."

Chris frowned, upset, and pulled out his comm., heading into the kitchen to contact Jon.

Carol's frown was for an entirely different reason. "There is no back door to the residence halls. The only other exit to this building leads to an enclosed courtyard. All the residence halls are like that."

The Officers residence buildings were all set up in a square, each one with one entrance and exit. There was a private courtyard at the center of the buildings, that all officers had access to, but it couldn't be reached other than through a residence building.

Kevin glanced at Jim and smirked. Jim rolled his eyes and looked over at his girlfriend. "There's a window along the west side of this building, that leads to a small study area. No one really uses it, since most of us prefer to do our work in our own apartments, or offices if we have them. But the window has outside access, and I stuck a screwdriver under a rock by the window, that can be used to jimmy the window open. It's a tight squeeze, but it does open up enough to get inside, and it's low enough to the ground that it's not too difficult to manage." He shrugged. "I told Kevin about it a while ago. I always like to have a back door into or out of a place. Just in case, you know?"

Carol shook her head, partly amused, partly concerned. Trust Jim to move into a place and then work out how to escape, just in case. "Only you," she smiled softly, and gave him a kiss.

Jim managed to return the smile as Kevin sat down in the vacated spot on the couch. "Cory's on his way," he said, reaching out to pick up the PADD he had abandoned on the coffee table when Chris had arrived. "It'll take him a little longer to get here from Berkley, but he said he's canceling his meeting later this afternoon. He doesn't want to risk someone making the connection, since they've already named his mother. And Tom should be arriving today; I left him a message, but he probably won't get it until they land."

Chris rejoined them, stowing his comm. and running a hand through his hair, frustrated. "Jon's furious," he said in answer to their questioning looks. "They're working on managing the press presence. He says to stay inside and he'll let me know when they've got a handle on things."

Jim nodded, and proceeded to bury himself in his PADD; Scotty had been sending him regular updates on the Enterprise, since he hadn't managed to get up there to see for himself in the last couple days. As April went to turn on the vidscreen and set it to some child's cartoon show, another message came in from the Engineer; Jim read the concerned missive, which offered him a place to escape if he needed it. Even on board the ship, Scotty had seen the news break.

Jim sent a gratified reply, promising to take him up on the offer if he needed it. He'd like to get back up to see how the upgrades were progressing, but he wasn't sure he'd have the time in the near future.

Cory was the next to arrive, and there was an amused look on his face as Carol let him in. "Admiral Archer's outside yelling at the press," he told them, flopping down on the couch next to Kevin. Jim obligingly shifted over to give them more room. "It was pretty awesome, and thankfully it let me pass without anyone stopping me."

Chris re-emerged from the kitchen, where he had disappeared when his comm. had gone off a few minutes ago. "Richard and Garovick are working to restrict the press to a single location outside Cochrane Hall. Jon's informing them that if they're caught staking out anywhere else, they'll be arrested." He sighed and sat down at the desk chair in the corner. "Unfortunately we can't ban them outright, but we can manage where they're allowed to camp out. They should be gone from the outside of this building soon, and Jon's working to get a security detail set up to stop them from coming back."

Jim nodded slightly in thanks, and then glanced down at his PADD. "Tom's here," he said after reading the incoming message. "I should probably go meet him." He didn't look thrilled with the idea of going out in public right now.

Chris immediately stood up. "I'll go," he offered. "And we'll bring dinner back, all right?"

Jim looked up, his expression mellowing. "Thanks," he said softly.

Chris smiled a reply, and left the apartment, as Jim began sending a message to the new arrival, letting him know who to expect at the shuttle depot.

McCoy was the first of Jim's command crew to appear, looking properly disgruntled as he took a seat next to April on the couch. His communicator was in his hand, and he took great pleasure in tossing the device across the room. "My message box is nearly full," he grumbled. "Damn insufferable fools. You'd think by now they'd know that I've got no comment when it comes to my Captain's personal life," he muttered under his breath.

Jim frowned, confused, as he leaned forward. "What do you mean?"

"I believe Doctor McCoy is referring to the influx of queries from the press in regards to the news stories that have indicated your presence on Tarsus IV," Spock's expressionless tone alerted them to his and Uhura's presence as the couple arrived together. "I too, have received an increase in calls from unidentified numbers."

Uhura nodded, her eyes sympathetic as she looked at her Captain and friend. "Me as well. I've also gotten calls from some of the people in my department; they're getting harassed too. No one's saying anything," she rushed to assure the man when she saw his distress. "None of your crew would ever sell you out like that."

Jim shrugged, looking down at the floor. "Not like they'd have anything to report anyway," he replied.

"Chyort voz'mi," Chekov's muttered Russian curse told everyone that he had arrived, and when they looked up, they saw that Sulu and Scotty were with him. The Navigations officer glanced around, realizing that all of the attention was now on him, and he stowed his own communicator with an angry huff. "They know about Anya." He threw himself into the last empty chair in the room. "They keep calling and asking for a comment on how she died, if she knew you," he looked at Jim, "and then there's all the questions on if I knew that my famous Captain was tangled up in such a horrible tragedy." He rolled his eyes. "Bloodsucking press hounds," he muttered in Russian under his breath.

Jim winced sympathetically. "I'm sorry," he offered, and then immediately shrunk back when they all began protesting that it wasn't his fault and he should in no way take responsibility for the press' inability to leave them alone.

There was a distinct note of dread, however, in Cory's, April's, and Kevin's expressions. If the press had found out about Pavel's sister, they were digging, and that meant that they could find out about the others as well. Especially if they really put two and two together, and came up with JT. JT was well known in the histories of the Tarsus IV massacre. If they linked JT to Jim, it was only a small step away to finding the identities of the kids he had saved.

XXX

With the apartment filling up, Carol could see Jim's walls close to fracturing. It didn't take too much pressuring to get him to follow her into the bedroom, and he immediately slumped down on the bed, his entire posture screaming of exhaustion.

Carol worried her lower lip sympathetically. She wanted to make this better for him. She had no idea how to do it, but she definitely didn't believe him every time he put on a fake smile and pretended that he was OK.

Reaching out, she rested a hand lightly on his shoulder, rubbing gently. "You can lie to everyone else, Jim, but please don't lie to me. All I want to do is help. You don't have to say anything or tell me anything, but please, don't tell me you're fine."

Jim let out a soft huff of air as he looked away, his eyes filling with what Carol was fairly certain was pain and frustration. Perhaps a little bit of fear, or worry for what people might think of him now that his past had been unveiled.

After a few minutes of silence, he finally spoke. His voice was soft, and he still wouldn't look at Carol, but at least he was speaking. "I'm not. Fine, I mean. I know I'm not. I don't know if I can even explain what's going on in my head right now." He clasped his hands together tightly, hoping she would understand. Carol was one of the most understanding people he'd ever known, and he loved her. He loved the way she was always there for him, always thinking about what he needed, and how she could better serve that goal; he had grown up missing that, not knowing what it was like to have someone else there who wasn't always concerned about how he could help them, but just wanted to make sure he had everything he needed.

Chris was pretty good at doing that too, but by the time he had met the older man, he was so used to being alone that it was hard to change. Somehow, though, Chris had warmed his way passed the walls Jim had spent his whole life hiding behind. His other friends had managed it as well, but it wasn't quite as deep. He still thought of them as family, people he would do anything for and that would do anything for him, but with Chris it had just been different.

And now it seemed like Carol had reached that same level. He hadn't even realized it was happening, until right now, sitting on this bed with his girlfriend, listening to her tell him that he could lock it all up and not talk about it as much as he wanted, so long as he didn't lie to her and tell her he was fine. She had gotten in so deep, he actually almost found himself wanting to talk to her, to tell her all the horribly dark thoughts that were running rampant through his head right now.

Carol didn't do anything other than lean forward to rest her chin on his shoulder, one hand reaching over to grasp his own clasped hands, forcing them to relax and unwind from each other. She just waited, knowing that he would continue to speak when he was ready.

It took another minute, but eventually, Jim's shoulders slumped, and he swallowed harshly. "I just want this to be over," he said quietly. "It feels like it never will be; sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming, and I'm going to wake up to find I'm still back in that prison with Kodos standing over me."

Carol winced sympathetically and squeezed his hand tighter. "You're out, Jim. I'll tell you every day if you need it. I won't tell you that it's over, because I know how you see things, and I know that it'll never truly be over for you or any of the survivors. But just remember that we're all here, I'm here, and you're not there anymore."

Jim actually managed a smile at those words. How was it possible for her to know him so well? Sobering, he sighed resolutely. "There's a part of me that just wants to curl up in a corner and ignore everything for the next week, but then I look at Kevin, and April, and Cory, and I just… I can't. Because they're depending on me. They've always looked to me for answers, and I just… I can't let them down."

"They won't look at you with any less respect if you let go a little," Carol promised. She knew it wouldn't do much good; Jim had always had self-esteem issues, and he truly believed that if he was anything other than strong, people would think less of him.

Jim shrugged, not arguing the point. "Thank you," he said instead. "For being here, for saying all the things I need to hear. I know I'm not the easiest person to be around sometimes." He shook his head as she immediately perked up in an attempt to argue. "I know how I am, Carol. I don't process emotion well, and I'm even worse at sharing my feelings. How long did it take for me to admit how I felt about you?"

Carol rolled her eyes. "I was just as obstinate." She gave him a light kiss on the cheek and pulled back, smiling softly. "A large part of the reason I love you is the way you see the world, Jim. You might not always know how to express yourself, but you've got such a unique way of looking at things."

Jim shrugged again, playing with their entwined hands absentmindedly. "I guess it comes with the territory," he mused. "That whole IQ versus EQ thing. I had to look it up when I was a kid, because I didn't know why I was so different." Carol leaned back against him, in a silent invitation to continue, and Jim smiled. "You know how people with higher IQ's tend to react differently to emotions; generally speaking, it's harder for them to process. I had to teach myself what different emotions felt like, how to recognize them, and how I was supposed to react to them. All that stuff that comes naturally to normal people, just didn't compute for me."

Carol shook her head slightly, the motion rubbing against Jim's shoulder. "Normal is overrated anyway."

She had never actually heard it described like that, and felt like another piece of the puzzle that was Jim Kirk had just fallen into place. She had a higher than average IQ as well, but not nearly as high as Jim's. People always looked at the benefits of being a genius, and never really thought about the downsides. She couldn't even comprehend the idea of not knowing what it meant to be happy, or sad, or angry, or content. She always instinctually knew what she was feeling, she could recognize that and respond to it. But what must it have been like for Jim, as a young child, to feel something and have no idea what it was? Or to have to train himself to recognize a specific emotion, probably by looking it up, reading about it analytically, and then having to think through all the information stored in his brain, to try and objectively determine what it was he was feeling in that moment? She felt such sorrow for the child he had never had a chance to be.

Jim pulled her up, searching her bright gaze for some hint of what she was thinking about, and then seeming to at least understand a little of her turbulent thoughts, he leaned over and kissed her gently. "I love you," he said, pulling back slightly.

Carol hoped her smile wasn't as watery as she thought it was. "I love you, too." She glanced back at the closed door, and bit her lip. "We should probably get back out there, right?"

Jim nodded and stood up, pulling her with him. "Chris will be back with Tom and dinner soon."

Their hands remained linked as they rejoined the rest of the group in the living room, taking up an empty spot on the floor next to the desk. Uhura and Sulu were busy getting plates and drinks out of the kitchen, in preparation for dinner.

"Why do you have so many dishes?" the Communications officer asked curiously as she set the stack of plates down on the coffee table. Sulu followed her immediately with silverware. This was Jim's apartment – or well, Jim's and Carol's now, if Uhura guessed right. She wasn't sure if they had officially moved in together yet, but it was definitely heading that way, if it hadn't happened already. But with just one, or even two people living here, there was no way he should have enough dishes for as many people as were in the apartment right now.

Jim shrugged good-naturedly. "It might be a tiny apartment, but I figured it would be in my best interests to have enough dishes to supply everyone."

Uhura blinked, surprised, and then smiled warmly. Jim had gone out of his way to make sure he had enough dishes, cups, and silverware for all of his friends, just in case. It was so… Jim. And then he just shrugged it off like it was no big deal.

The door opening halted any conversation that might have followed, and they all turned to greet Chris and Tom – and more importantly, the large bags of food the newcomers were carrying.

Tom relinquished his bag to Sulu, and barely paused to drop his duffle bag before he was striding across the room and nearly bowling Jim over with the force of his hug. It had been a long time since they had seen each other in person. Short conversations carried over radio frequencies and light years of space didn't really compare.

Jim was just as quick to grasp the scientist, his arms circling protectively and tightly around Tom's shoulders.

"Missed you," Tom whispered into Jim's shirt, his eyes slipping closed.

Jim smiled softly, and just rubbed his friend's back reassuringly.

The others let them have a few minutes to themselves, while they got dinner set up, before drawing them back to the group. McCoy passed Jim a full plate with a scowl and a glare that clearly told everyone what he would do to the man if he didn't eat all of it. Jim just rolled his eyes and took a seat on the floor by the far wall.

Tom didn't seem to want to leave Jim's side, and gratefully accepted the plate April passed him, giving her a tight hug in greeting before he followed Jim's lead and sat down on the floor.

Kevin came over next, and greeted Tom warmly before sitting on Jim's other side. April, Cory, and Pavel chose nearby spots, as Jim introduced Tom to the rest of the group. He had heard all about them, of course, both from Jim and from the news stories over the years. He was grateful to see that Jim had others in his life who could keep him upright and breathing, when Tom himself couldn't be there to do it.

He especially liked meeting Pavel and Carol. He had heard Anya talk about her brother on Tarsus, and he had known that Jim had found the younger man, but they had not as of yet ever all been on the same planet long enough to actually meet. The circumstances could have been better, but he still didn't regret it. And Carol… well, he'd have to be blind not to see how much she loved Jim. And anyone who cared for his friend as much as she clearly did was all right in his book.

Talk died down as everyone tucked into their own dinners, appreciating the variety and amount, enough to feed the small army that had invaded Jim's living room, and some to spare.

"Thanks for dinner Mr. Starfleet Man," Cory called out when his plate was half empty, seemingly remembering his manners now that he was no longer so hungry.

Chris blinked, startled, as April started laughing in remembrance of their first real meeting with the older man. Everyone else just looked confused.

Chris finally shook his head slightly and smiled. "I wasn't sure you remembered me."

Cory shrugged. "You've got more gray hair now, but I'd recognize the stick up your ass Starfleet attitude anywhere."

Jim shoved him lightly, though his expression was amused. "You're in a room full of Starfleet officers," he reminded his cousin, "I'd be careful if I were you."

Cory just rolled his eyes, and Chris chuckled in amusement. "Any gray hairs I have are solely due to Jim. Don't argue," he said when Jim let out an indignant huff, "you know it's true."

Jim almost appeared to be ready to argue anyway, but then he shook himself off and with the air of someone deliberately deciding not to indulge in another person's games, turned his attention back to his dinner.

According to Google, Chyort voz'mi is a Russian curse that means 'damn it,' or 'oh shit'. I hope that's right, and I'm sorry if Google translated wrong.

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