17 weeks
"I don't want to go," Blaine says from where he's sprawled out on the couch. No matter what he does, he can't get his mind off of the trial that's supposed to start in four days.
Kurt gives him a sympathetic look, but doesn't say anything. There's nothing he can do, really.
"I know I said that last time, but this time I really don't want to go," he complains, completely ignoring the movie that they had been watching together.
Olivia has long since fallen asleep, but Blaine can't. The nightmares have been too vivid recently to be able to rest comfortably. He feels like Kurt knows. He must know. He's woken up screaming, woken up the whole house, at least three times this week. But if Kurt knows, he hasn't said anything. He gave him a once over when he came back out from the bedroom around ten o'clock, and handed him the remote without a single question.
They've been watching movies ever since. It's well past midnight and Blaine has to leave for the airport in five hours, but he has little intention of actually going to sleep. Not tonight.
"Maybe it will be good for you. To be able to lock up the guy that did this once and for all," Kurt speaks up after a few minutes of silence. Blaine had almost forgotten that they were having a conversation.
"Olivia is finally starting to get past this. We were both doing just fine before I got that summons. Now we have to go back to Ohio and relive it all over again? They are saying it could take months. I'm going to have to pull Liv from school and send her somewhere in Columbus. I don't want her at a school in Ohio, they fuck kids up."
"I'm sorry," Kurt says. "I would go with you if there was a way to—"
"God no, that's the last thing that I want. Your musical opens in a week and a half. You're needed here," Blaine says.
"I know, but if—"
"No," Blaine says firmly. Sure, Kurt's only being hypothetical but he knows how much Kurt has already sacrificed for him and how likely it is Kurt would drop everything to return to Ohio if he thought it would help.
"This show is great," Blaine says, really meaning it. "It's easily the best musical since Wicked. I don't want you doing anything that might prohibit you from getting on Broadway."
"This is a change of events," Kurt says, only the faintest bitter tone to his voice. If Blaine hadn't been listening closely, he would have missed it. "Ten years ago you were begging me to put you above my career, now I'm not allowed to even hypothetically consider it."
"Ten years ago, you never would have offered," Blaine says, giving him a pointed look.
18 Weeks
The first text comes in while court in recess. Jane, his victim's advocate, has brought him lunch from a local deli since there are journalists camped outside of the courthouse trapping him inside. Blaine is starting to go stir crazy after only two days and he's welcoming any distraction.
From Kurt:
I don't even want to read the reviews.
Breakaway had it's opening night Off-Broadway last night, and it had killed Blaine to miss it. He'd seen some of the final rehearsals and he knows there is no way that the show wasn't amazing. And if there were any doubt, Blaine's already scoured the internet for the first reactions.
Apart from one scathing review left on the blog of a man that Blaine's pretty sure is one of Kurt's ex-boyfriends, they are all full of praise. Not that he will admit to looking at the reviews. He wants to seem supportive, not obsessive.
From Blaine:
You said that last night went great, I'm sure they can't be too bad! Just get it over with ;)
From Kurt:
This is theatre, they tear everything apart. Oh God, what if they write about the note that Tyler missed? I'm over. The show is dead.
Blaine smiles to himself. He's not used to this Kurt. Kurt's always been confident and incredibly self-reliant. He's never needed Blaine to tell him that he's great. He knows it. He exudes excellence. He's always been able to shake off negative opinions much easier than Blaine ever could. This Kurt... he's insecure. It's strange. But it feels nice for the roles to be reversed for a change. It feels nice to be needed, when he's felt so helpless for the last few months.
From Kurt:
They're gonna hate it, I'm coming out to Ohio with you and hiding from New York. At least until that Batman Musical premieres and gives people something else to bash.
He decides that enough is enough. He can't sit by while Kurt drowns himself in his own anxiety.
From Blaine:
Well loved it.
He hopes that doesn't sound too much like a stalker. Friends look up reviews of other friends shows, right? It's normal for Blaine to have been curious with how opening night went. He'd helped Kurt with some of the songs, after all. Besides, he's stuck in Ohio with nothing to do but wait around as lawyers argue over the smallest details. Did it really matter that there were conflicting reports over the color of the attacker's shirt? Every witness has come forward and positively identified Martin Peterson.
From Kurt:
What? Really?
From Blaine:
There was a big write-up about it this morning when I woke up.
From Kurt:
You ass. You knew that the whole time and let me go on and on...
From Blaine:
Maybe it's nice to see you freaking out for a change ;)
"Who are you sending flirty texts to?" Jane asks, trying to peak over his shoulder as Blaine hastily tries to stuff his phone back in his pocket.
"Nothing, no one," he says quickly. "What makes you think I'm flirting with anyone?"
"You've got the same awestruck look on your face that my son gets when he's talking to his girlfriend," she says with a chuckle.
He knows the exactly look that she is talking about. It's the one that got him teased mercilessly in the locker room at McKinley. It's the one that Jake always called cheesy, but couldn't resist. Only, there's no way that he's got that look on his face now. For one, it's completely inappropriate timing. He's in a courthouse for the trial of his husband's murder. And second, he doesn't feel that way about Kurt. That is one thing that he's 1000% sure of. He's just a friend.
"Well, I'm not," he says, before she can ask him any more questions about it. He likes Jane, but it's none of her business who he is texting or what his private conversations are about. "I was just checking up on Olivia,"
"Of course, I apologize. It's certainly not my place," she says, patting his arm gently and handing him her bag of Doritos as a truce. He takes them and opens them, trying to finish his lunch quickly. It won't be long before they have to go back into the courtroom.
"But if it were my business..." she says, trailing off to give him a slightly hesitant look, as if she's not sure if he's going to get upset that she's pushing this. "You shouldn't feel guilty about it. Moving on is a normal part of the grieving process. It doesn't mean that you love Jake any less if you are looking for companionship. And even if you're not, there's nothing wrong with a little friendly flirting either. It's good for the self-esteem. Don't let anyone tell you differently."
"I'll keep that in mind," he says, not wanting to be rude by telling her that isn't what he's doing.
She doesn't understand. That's how he and Kurt have always been. Even when they first met and there was absolutely nothing between them hadn't Blaine taken Kurt by the hand and serenaded him? That's just... That's how they work. Sure they are affectionate, and some could even call it flirting, but that's just how they are. It doesn't have to mean anything.
It can't mean anything. Blaine has a husband... had a husband. Had. Jake is gone. He's not coming back and it would be wrong for Blaine to forget him so quickly when he'd lost his life in a fight that should have been Blaine's.
"We should get back inside," Jane says, standing up to throw away their trash. "They'll be starting up again soon."
They walk the short distance back to the courtroom in silence. He thinks Jane recognizes that he just needs some time to think. She's always good about leaving him alone when he wants to be. As they enter the courtroom and take their seats on the left side, Blaine looks across the aisle at where Mrs. Peterson is sitting. He gives her a small smile before turning towards the front. He still hasn't built up enough courage to talk to her and personally thank her for all that she's done. He knows this has to be just as painful for her as it has been for him, if not more so.
The bailiff calls the court to order and Blaine hastily checks his phone one last time before he has to turn it off. There is one final text from Kurt, a response to Blaine's earlier teasing.
From Kurt:
Or maybe you're just an ass ;)
See, friends, nothing more. He reassures himself. Everyone is overreacting for nothing.
Week 19
"It worked! I'm pregnant!" Rachel says, a giddy smile on her face as she throws her arms around them both. Jake is squeezing his hand painfully, but Blaine barely notices. He's too overcome with relief. After months of trying and failing to adopt, they're going to have a baby. Rachel is going to give them a baby!
The sun is shining brightly and is casting a harsh golden glow over everything. It's one of the happiest moments of his life, yet everything looks distorted. Sinister, like the perfect moment is about to be ripped away from them. They can't possibly be about to have their happily ever after.
There is a loud sound reverberating through the park. It's a hard smack and he knows that the sound should be familiar. It's pulling on him, a memory he can't quite reach.
"No, I've tried everything," he hears Cooper's voice in the background. He thinks he must be imagining it. He looks around and his brother is nowhere to be found. He'll be in Mississippi right about now, picking up Emmy. It's his visitation week. "He won't stop shaking or crying, I'm seriously worried."
Blaine closes his eyes and opens them again, just to adjust against the glaring sunlight, and he finds himself in the bathroom of the courthouse. There is tacky tile on the floor and too dark wood covering the walls, but it's empty and he's finally away from the incessant questions. How dare they question him like that? Where did they get off treating him like some gold digging tramp that tricked Martin Peterson into killing his husband so he could be free of the "suffocating student loans" that Jake's medical schooling had put them in.
"Mr. Anderson, please unlock the door," the lawyer calls to him through the door, but Blaine only sinks further into the opposite wall. He has no intention of ever coming out again. "Peterson's lawyer is calling for a mistrial, you need to get back on the stand."
"No Wes, I'm telling you, it's like he's broken or something. It's worse than the panic attacks he got in college," Cooper says from somewhere behind him. Blaine's not sure how he got here. How he came to be curled up on his mother's couch. Everything is blurred in an odd way, like he's trying to look at everything underwater. "No, I'm not going to call Kurt. He's completely incapable of handling Blaine when he's like this."
The blaring music coming from the speakers only adds to the dirty feeling that Blaine is getting from this place. There are women everywhere. He's never understood the appeal of boobs to begin with, but it's downright appalling seeing so many of them just flying around the club for drunken men to ogle. Mike is lucky that Blaine likes him enough to put up with it all. Blaine is doing his best to down every full glass of alcohol he sees and keep his back to the stage.
That's when Kurt walks into the party, taking a seat at their full table, apologizes for being late and orders an expensive bottle of champagne to celebrate his favorite member of the chorus getting married.
Blaine wonders when Kurt started filling out. He looks broader, his shirt is pulled snug against his chest hinting at more defined muscles. He doesn't look so much like the boy Blaine feel in love with, he's more manly, taller if that is even possible. Yet when Blaine catches Kurt's eye across the table, all it takes is a small shy smile to realize that underneath the older and incredibly sexy exterior, Kurt's still Kurt.
He looks away quickly and reminds himself that he's just drunk. He has a husband, even if they are currently fighting.
"I'm not sure, Jane had to call me. They finally called him to the witness stand today, I think he just snapped," Cooper says, his voice sounds distant, distorted. Blaine can barely hear him over the sounds of Jake screaming at him for cheating.
"We're supposed to be having a baby together and you're off fucking your ex-boyfriend," Jake yells at him.
"To be fair, we never had sex," Blaine says, though he knows that he's the worst husband in the history of all husbands.
The smacking of metal sounds around him, but Blaine doesn't see anything broken. Jake hasn't thrown anything at him. But it keeps booming through their small apartment.
"I know you're married, and this phone call is entirely inappropriate, but I miss you," Kurt's words come out a drunken slur on his voicemail. "And your ass, God, I'm so pissed Santana walked in on us. This is wrong, you're married. You should hang up now. Why aren't you hanging up—Shit this is a voicemail isn't it? Hey Brett, how do you delete voicemails you've left..." Kurt's voice goes distant, like he's walked away from the phone without remembering to hang up.
"It's him or me," Jake says, after three straight weeks of fighting. "If you still love him, I understand. But I need you to tell me."
"It's you," Blaine says with tears filling his eyes. He tilts his head to the side to really look at his husband. He hasn't been this close to him in over a week. Jake's been leaving anytime Blaine tries to approach him. He's missed him, God has he missed him. "It's always going to be you."
Three boys—Blaine's pretty sure they are seniors, though he can't place them—approach Andrew and him as they are waiting outside for Mr. Sanders to pick them up from the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Before Blaine can even get to his feet, they grab him by his hair and throw him face first into the pavement. He hears his friend cry out in pain as they attack him as well. There are kicks to Blaine's stomach and back, knocking the wind out of him. When he reaches out his hand for Andrew, all he can see is the back of his dress coat as he runs away.
"They questioned him for six straight hours. Fuck, you'd think he's the guilty one," Cooper says, his voice vibrating with barely controlled rage.
"Papa!" Olivia screams as Jake is hit over the head with a metal bat.
As the smack of metal resonates throughout the playground, Blaine realizes what the booming in his head as been. It's the deafening, incredibly sickening sound of metal against all too fragile skin and bones. Blaine starts gagging uncontrollably until a trash can is shoved under his nose and he vomits up his lunch.
Over the next several hours—or is it an entire day? He can't keep track—Blaine loops through three cycles. The first, involves him lying on the cold tile of his mother's guest bathroom, unable to stop himself from emptying the entire contents of his stomach. And when that's done and he's left feeling boneless and empty, he hits the second cycle.
Numbness. He sits on the couch staring blankly ahead, realizing that nothing is going to matter to him ever again. The little spark of life he used to have has been blown out in that courtroom. He's lost the will to fight anything. When he reaches the scary point, the point where he wonders if it would be easier if he just ended it, that's when he breaks down into hysterical sobs.
That's when Cooper pulls him into his arms and rocks him back and forth, trying to cheer him up with bad Irish accents and stories from his glory days. And when none of that works, Cooper whispers softly into his ears that he's better than this. That he's strong and he'll make it through this. He reminds Blaine that he's a great father and that he's got Olivia... and when Blaine realizes that he's seriously considered killing himself when he's got a four-year-old daughter who's depending on him, that's when he gets sick again.
Rachel shows up on their doorstep when Blaine's in the middle of one of his numb phases. She's bright and shiny, dressed up in a pink frilly dress and carrying Olivia with her. They both have tiaras on their heads, looking like the beautiful princesses they are. Blaine's mom has been staying at a hotel with Olivia, so that she won't have to see her daddy like this. Rachel must have picked her up first and brought her over to help drag Blaine out of the endless cycles of depression.
Olivia flies out of Rachel's arms at the sight of Blaine and wraps her arms around him tightly, nearly choking him in her desperation to get closer. He feels a dampness growing on his shoulder and realizes that his baby girl is crying. This, if nothing else, pulls at him. Pulls him away from a world where everything is muted and gray and thrusts him into a world full of too sharp edges and glowing colors.
"Hey, Littlebit," Blaine pulls at her arms, loosening their hold so that he can lean back far enough to look at her. "What's the matter?"
"G'ama said you were feeling yucky and that's why I couldn't sleeps with yous, but I got scared'ed. Don't leaves me," she cries and the sound almost makes him vomit again. He's been a pretty shitty father.
"Hey, no, I'm right here," Blaine says, pulling her into a tight hug.
"See? Your daddy is fine," Rachel says, sitting down on the couch with both of them and rubbing Olivia's back gently. She sneaks her other hand up to grab one of his hands in a light squeeze, reassuring all of them that Blaine isn't broken. That he'll be alright.
Blaine thinks he might need to hear that more than anyone else.
Week 21
It's nearing the end of April when they finally get a guilty conviction back from the jury. Though there were threats of a mistrial when it became clear that Blaine couldn't get back on the witness stand to continue his testimony, the trial continued on. Blaine's back in New York, sitting down to ice cream and coffee with Kurt and Olivia when the phone call from Jane comes in. Blaine's never been happier to hear a single word in his life.
Guilty.
The phone call lifts a weight off of him that he hasn't even been conscious of. He feels like dancing. He feels like standing up on his chair and serenading the coffee shop they are in, full on Rachel Berry style. He doesn't sing, but he does drop his phone to the floor and swings Olivia around in circles until they are both laughing hysterically. People are staring at them like they are crazy, Kurt included. That's when Blaine shares the good news with him and Kurt bursts into a mix of relieved tears and laughter.
That night, everyone celebrates together over a nice meal at the upscale restaurant Rachel performs at on weekdays. Wes and Charlotte are sitting to his right, asking him if this means that he'll finally be able to go back to work, when Blaine looks over and sees something strange. Rachel and Kurt are engaged in a quiet conversation, and while neither of them looks entirely thrilled, they also aren't killing each other either. Blaine wonders when they decided to start being civil to each other.
"Uncle Blaine," Ashley, Wes' oldest daughter, tugs at his sleeve. At six years old, she's growing taller and taller each day. Blaine is surprised to see that when he's sitting down, she almost comes up to his chin. When did that happen?
"Yeah?" he asks, turning to give her his full attention. She's been sitting in the corner of their private room, reading a story to Olivia and Kent, both of whom are passed out cold on the floor, heads resting on their favorite stuffed animals.
"Does this mean the bad man is in jail?"
"Yeah babe, the bad man can't hurt us anymore," Blaine says, pulling her into his lap so she can help him finish off his dessert.
It's not as simple as that. There is still sentencing to go through. There's still the argument over whether or not to apply the death penalty since federal court allows it when it comes to hate crimes. And there's no doubt that Peterson's lawyer will motion for a re-trial. He's still going to have to fly back to Ohio to give a victim's impact statement. But Ashley doesn't need to be bothered with those things. Hell, Blaine doesn't even feel the need to be bothered with those things at the moment.
Martin Peterson is guilty of 1st degree assault, murder in the 2nd degree and committing a hate crime. Though Blaine has always been hopeful for the first two convictions, he's never quite believed they would ever get a conviction on the last. That any courtroom, U.S. District Court or not, would recognize that this was more than just a simple attack on an unsuspecting family. That this was a crime against homosexuals in general... Well, it gives him something to hope for. Because, while none of this can ever bring Jake back, it has the potential to help change things for the future. It's finally somebody in his life standing up and saying it's not alright to be attacked just because of his sexuality.
It's not the happiest moment in his life by a long shot, but it's one of the most freeing.
That night, Blaine drunkenly falls asleep on the couch, curled up next to Kurt as gentle hands card through his hair.
Week 23
The Sunday before the penalty phase of trial begins, Blaine and Olivia show up on Rachel's doorstep with a carefully wrapped present, breakfast from her favorite bakery and a homemade Mother's Day card. Rachel is surprised when she opens the door, they hadn't told her they would be coming over. There was only a quick phone call to Mitch yesterday to make sure that she would be home when they arrived.
Rachel ushers them into her apartment, locking the door behind her.
"You guys didn't have to come all the way down here, I would have come to you," she says, giving him a pointed look.
He knows what she means, what she can't say with Olivia right there. The reporters have been worse than usual. Ever since word got out of his breakdown in court, they've dropped all the overly-faked stories of him being an alcoholic whore and instead have been doing their best to get an interview of him telling his tragic story. It's only gotten more intense with the guilty conviction. They are desperate for shots of him happily enjoying his life now that his "nightmare" is over. It's disgusting how easily they distort reality for ratings and headlines.
"It's Mother's Day!" Blaine says, his enthusiasm is only slightly forced. He really does love celebrating a good holiday. Especially when it gives him a chance to say thank you for the best present he's ever gotten—Olivia.
"Happy Mommies Day, Mommy Rachel," Olivia says, handing Rachel the card she's made. It's covered with bright colors, a picture of the four of them—Jake, Blaine, Rachel and Olivia—and the glitter Kurt had offered up last night when Olivia and Blaine had started putting their surprise together.
Blaine smiles at his daughter with pride, overjoyed with how easily she can stand on her own feet with only one hand on her walker. Next week, she won't even need the damn thing. They are finally going to give her a walking cast almost six months after her surgery.
"Oh my, this is so beautiful," she says, leaning over to give Olivia a kiss on the head. "Did you make this by yourself?"
"Daddy help'ed," she says, beaming with pride.
As the two of them discuss the finer points of glitter and rainbows, Blaine moves to the kitchen to pull out dishes for breakfast. Mitch has already gone off to meet with clients, giving them some family time. Blaine had insisted that wasn't necessary, that Mitch was considered part of the family as well, but Mitch had informed him that he really needed to get some work done and encouraged him to spend the entire day distracting Rachel.
"I saw it, you know," Rachel says as they sit down to cinnamon buns and hot chocolate. Blaine had tried to get two coffees, but Olivia had insisted.
"Saw what?" he asks, unsure exactly what she is talking about.
"Kurt's musical," she says.
"Did you like'd the dresses?" Olivia says, clapping her icing coated hands excitedly. "The purples from the song about flies was my fav'ite."
"It's called Breakaway," Blaine says, grabbing her hands with reflexes only a parent has before she can touch her hair or her shirt. He wipes them clean and hands her a fork with a pointed look. "Remember, we were singing it yesterday?"
"Yeah," Olivia says with a big smile. "Daddy's helping me singed the song. Kurt said I can get a purple dresses too! I want to be just like her."
"That's great," Rachel says, smiling brightly at her. "I think performing is the perfect way to express yourself. We should get you in a dance class once you get your cast off. Or maybe you can take vocal lessons—"
"Rachel," Blaine cuts her off with a small laugh. "She's four, let's calm down for a minute."
"So? It's never too early to nurture young talent. I've been in dance classes since I was three," Rachel says, giving him a pointed look.
"Yes, but you've always wanted to be a performer," Blaine says. "Last week she wanted to be a butterfly and the week before that she wanted to be a lawyer."
Rachel just rolls her eyes dramatically. "Obviously she's just expressing her deeply seeded need to be a performer. She's probably a method actor."
Blaine covers his face as he laughs, missing this. Missing easy Sunday mornings with his family.
"So obviously you two have seen it then," Rachel says.
"Obviously," Blaine says, grabbing another cinnamon roll for himself.
"And?" she asks, waiting for his reaction. What she's expecting, he's not sure, but she's clearly expecting something.
"And it was really good," Blaine says. "Olivia's obsessed with Kelly Clarkson now."
"You realize what it's about, right?"
"It's a love story," he says, giving her a strange look. What is she trying to get at? Did she not like it? He figured she would find a problem with it based on the sheer fact that Kurt wrote it, but she couldn't deny it was good.
"It's about the sacrifices one pays for ambition," she says.
"Okay," he says, not sure what to say to that.
"Oh my God, you didn't see it," Rachel says. "You're oblivious as always. Blaine, sweetie, Jenna is Kurt."
"What? That's ridiculous. Jenna is not Kurt," Blaine says.
"Yeah, Kurt is a boy," Olivia says. She's managed to get more cinnamon roll on her face and shirt than she has in her mouth.
"Liv, baby, why don't you go wash up. If you look hard enough, I put a new princess dress in the guest bedroom. If you can find it, I'll let you keep it," Rachel says, slyly trying to get Blaine alone so she can hound him about this.
"Really?" she yells, her entire face lighting up. "Is it purple?"
"I don't remember, you'll have to show me," Rachel says.
Blaine watches as she shimmies out of her chair and grabs her walker.
"Wash your hands and face first," Blaine says, knowing she has little intention of doing that.
"But Daddy—" she starts to whine, but he cuts her off with a look.
"Nope. Bathroom first," he says, pointing at the door down the hall where the bathroom is. She pouts, but does as she's told, leaving the two adults to talk without little ears listening in.
"The entire show is about a girl who gives up everything for her ambition," Rachel says, giving him an impatient look, like she thinks he's an idiot.
"Yes, but she regrets it in the end because she realizes she still loves Brian. It's a love story."
"Exactly," Rachel says, crossing her arms. "Doesn't that piss you off?"
"Why would that piss me off?" Blaine asks. Being confused when he talks to Rachel is nothing new, but this is something else entirely. This time he has absolutely no idea what she's talking about.
"Because you spent months bitching about how Willamina says, 'you move me,' in Above All Else," she says pointing at him to emphasize her point. He buries his head in both of his hands. It's clearly his lot in life to constantly be surrounded by overly theatrical drama queens.
"How is this even the same thing?" Blaine asks. "Above All Else was littered with lines and scenes taken directly from our past. Kurt took extremely painful and private things and put it out there for the world to see. The entire Willamina/Hampton breakup was word for word our break up. Of course I was upset, he didn't even care about how that might affect me. He just cashed in on my pain to make himself more famous."
"Yes but Above All Else wasn't about you and Kurt. With the exception of lines here and there, it was a completely different story. Breakaway is your story," Rachel says, her voice rising and going a bit shrill.
"What are you even talking about? That's not what happened," he says, though the fight is leaving him the more he starts to think about it.
He thinks back to the day in the studio, when he had sung that duet with Kurt. How painful it had felt, how reluctant Kurt was to do it at first. Rachel couldn't be right. There's no way. Kurt wouldn't do this to him again, he was different now. Changed. She was reading into this too much.
"They say that the best writers write what they know," she says.
"He wouldn't, he didn't," Blaine says. "You're just trying to get me upset so I'll consider moving out again."
"Blaine, I really don't care where you live," Rachel says. "If living with Kurt makes you happy, then fine. Live with Kurt. I just don't want to see you get hurt."
"So Kurt wrote another musical about us," Blaine says, repeating it. Seeing if it sounds right coming out of his mouth. It doesn't. None of this makes any sense. Why would Kurt willingly give up so much money, give away profits from his hard work to help him if he was just going to use him like this.
Because this has the potential to be his biggest musical yet, the nasty, cynical part of him thinks. Sacrifice a little now, gain so much in the future.
"Oh my God, I actually helped him with this," Blaine says, getting more and more upset the more he thinks about it.
"To be fair, you didn't realize it was happening at the time," she says, putting a comforting arm around his shoulders. He shrugs her off. He doesn't want her support. He knows she is probably gloating inside.
"Because I was grieving over my dead spouse! I'm sorry if my mind's been focused on other things. Oh my God, I've been living in his house this whole time. Been crying over Jake, trying to find somebody that I trust enough to get me through this and he's been... what? Cataloguing everything, waiting for something he can use?"
"Just, calm down a bit," she says. "Though I'd rather drink acid than admit this, ruining my voice for all of eternity, Kurt does care about you. Anybody can see that."
"But not more than his career, right?" he says bitterly. "That's what you're going to say. That's how it's always been. Kurt cares enough to take care of me only when it doesn't interfere with his job. Then he'll toss me to the side at the first chance to get his name out there."
"No, that's not what I was trying to... this is getting out of hand. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought this up. I'm clearly the wrong person to be having this discussion with you, given Kurt and my history. I was just... The musical is about a girl who gives up everything and regrets it in the end."
"So you're saying Kurt wants to win me back like Jenna wins Brian back?" Blaine says, this makes even less sense.
Kurt is the one who broke up with him. In the musical, Brian breaks up with Jenna. If Kurt regrets how things ended, he had every chance to change things. Every time they made up for a weekend only to break up again, Kurt could have fixed it then. But he didn't. And then Blaine found Jake. Blaine had a family. A family that made him happier than he's ever been; Kurt doesn't get to have him now. Not after everything that's happened. Friends, sure. Lovers? Never again.
"You have to admire the ingenuity. It was working," Rachel says with a wistful smile.
"No! It sure as hell wasn't working! I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm not ever going to be looking for a relationship. My soulmate—the man I vowed to spend the rest of forever with—died. He was brutally murdered. Why doesn't anyone get that the last thing on my mind is a boyfriend?"
He feels betrayed.
He knows he's probably overreacting. That if he just talked to Kurt, he would discover that it's all just a big misunderstanding. But he doesn't want to. Because what if it isn't? What if Rachel is right? He'll have lost his best friend again and he can't deal with another loss. Not when he hasn't healed from the last one.
Blaine ends up spending the night at Rachel's house. And the next night. And the following night. And pretty soon, Blaine's got a closet full of clothes and his own cereal in the pantry, unwilling to go back home to Kurt. Unable. He can't. Not until he knows if Rachel is right or not. And if she is, Kurt really did write a musical about them? Or even worse, if he was using his husband's death to win him back? Well, then Blaine's going to have to cut Kurt out of his life once and for all.
Week 25
It's twelve days later when Blaine finally feels calm enough to go back to Kurt's. Kurt was worried when he didn't return, but Blaine had texted him. Told him that Olivia just needed to be around two parents at the moment. He has a feeling that Kurt knows it was all a lie.
He's waiting for the discussion, practicing and re-practicing what he'll say in his mind so he's ready. Only, it doesn't come. Can't come, really. At night, Kurt's at the show, trying to make sure everything goes smoothly. Re-working parts that the audience doesn't react positively to, trying to get the musical to a point where it can move to Broadway.
During the day, it's hard. School is out for the summer, which means Blaine has Olivia twenty-four hours a day. She's become a bit of a mess now that she's got a walking cast and can move around without her walker. She's constantly into everything. Yesterday, when he was taking a shower, she left the apartment and traveled all the way to one of the rooftop terraces by herself. Blaine had driven himself crazy looking for her until Kurt got a call from the front desk stating that Olivia was safe and sound, playing with one of the maids. Her therapist says it's normal for her to act out but that doesn't make Blaine feel any better.
Needless to say, there is never any time for him to discuss things with Kurt. Blaine's starting to wonder why they even have to. If he continues to avoid the problem, he can almost imagine that he made the entire thing up in his head. Kurt doesn't do anything to make Blaine believe he didn't. He's his usual friendly self, always going out of his way to lend a helping hand with Olivia. He stays home one night to help Blaine when she's having a particularly bad day, which shows him that he's willing to put people before his career. But he's never overly affectionate. His gaze never lingers for too long. He never acts like he wants to be more than friends.
So Blaine ignores it. Almost forgets the whole thing ever happened. Almost.
29 Weeks
For Olivia's fifth birthday, she decides that she wants to have a princess tea party on the terrace of Kurt's building. Blaine's got to admire her taste. It's the perfect location. With an impressive view of midtown and comfortable but chic furniture, it's hard not feeling like New York royalty up there. She has grand dreams of inviting about half of New York City, but Blaine gets her to settle on a list of twelve classmates plus all of their families. His mother, Cooper and Harmony take a long weekend trip up to celebrate the occasion.
Birthdays have always been an event in the Anderson household. It feels weird to be planning a party without Jake, but for the first time in a long time, that thought doesn't reduce him to tears. It simply tugs at his heart a bit and causes him to lose himself to his thoughts during one sunset the night before the big day.
His baby girl is growing up so fast. He can still remember the day they took her home from the hospital. How scared Jake had been to hold her, afraid that he would drop her. How horrible Blaine had been at changing her diapers in the beginning. She gets bigger every day. It amazes him how quickly her vocabulary is developing. Kurt's started correcting her grammar, insisting that she's smart enough to speak properly, and she's actually started to lose her lisp.
Jake would be proud. Blaine thinks that somewhere up there, he is. He's never believed in heaven before, but he believed in Jake. And now, well now he's positive that some way, somehow, he's still watching them from afar. Looking after them like he always has.
It's a comforting thought.
"I still love you," Blaine whispers, hoping that Jake can hear him. "We both still love you. I'm not going to let her forget."
Blaine sings quietly to himself. Sings their song. The one that had played on the radio their first time together. The one they had danced to at their wedding. The song he sings Olivia to sleep with every night.
"So turn right, into my arms. Turn right, you won't be alone. You might fall off this track sometimes. Hope to see you at the finish line."
It's not the happiest song. By most people's standards, it's rather sad. But it will always remind Blaine of how Jake came to him when he needed him most. When he was lost and broken, partying every night. It reminds him how Jake had waited patiently, stuck by him in the beginning when it seemed like he couldn't get anything right. To Blaine, it's the happiest song he knows.
"Hey," Kurt says, joining him out on the balcony. "Your family just took Olivia downstairs for some ice cream."
Blaine just nods, eyes not moving from their spot on the horizon. He's leaning against the clear railing that had freaked his mother out when she'd first seen it. Kurt hands him a glass of merlot before taking a seat at the patio table, watching the sunset with him in silence. It's completely dark, the almost full moon bright above them when he finally speaks up.
"Are you happy here?" Kurt asks, not accusing, but curious.
It surprises Blaine, though it shouldn't. He turns away from the railing to join Kurt at the patio table.
"Why do you ask?" he responds, not sure if he's ready to answer the original question or not. Is he happy here? Would he be happy anywhere? He doesn't think so, at least not yet. But maybe. He's getting to a place where he thinks he could be.
"I worry that you need more than I can give you," Kurt says, swirling the wine around in his glass, avoiding looking him in the eyes.
Blaine gives a humorless laugh. "I worry that I need more than anybody can give me."
"You know that you can tell me anything, right?" Kurt asks.
"I know," he says.
"But you don't want to," Kurt states. It's not a question, but a fact. Like he's already convinced himself that Blaine will never talk to him.
That's when it clicks. This is the conversation. Almost a month after he expected it, this is the moment he should be confronting Kurt. Blaine doesn't know that he wants to. Doesn't know that it's the right time. Hell, it will probably never be the right time. Deep down, part of Blaine realizes that once they have this conversation, good or bad, that will be it. Everything will be out in the open and nothing will ever be the same.
This conversation could very well be their goodbye.
"I don't really know what to say," Blaine says, honestly.
"I find the truth is usually a good place to start," he says.
Blaine sits up, puts both elbows on the table and tries to rub the tension out of his face. Tries to psych himself up for this.
"Do you want me to start?" Kurt asks, sending him a sad smile.
Blaine nods. Maybe it will be easier to talk after Kurt lays it all out for him. Then again, maybe this isn't something that can ever be easy.
"I know you didn't stay with Rachel because of Olivia," Kurt says, his voice full of false confidence. "And I know that nobody approves of you staying here—"
"That's not true," he cuts in, though they both know it's a lie.
"If you're not happy here, you know that you're allowed to leave," Kurt says.
"I know that," he replies, his voice small.
"Alright," he says, placatingly. "I just want to make sure that you really do. I know you, and I know how hard it can be when you think you've let somebody down. You don't need to worry about me."
"I'm not," Blaine says quickly. Kurt's face falls, and he realizes that came out wrong. Harsher than he meant to. "I just mean, I know. I'm not doing that. Staying so I won't upset you."
This is all coming out wrong. He doesn't know why, he's usually good at honest conversations. As horrible as he is about repressing his feelings, he's still usually better at these things.
"Is it true?" he asks, finding his courage from deep within and bringing up what's really been bugging him since that week. Like pulling off a Band-Aid, he tells himself. The faster it's out there, the faster they can fix it. "Was all of this some elaborate plan to win me back?"
"What? Who told you that?" Kurt asks, completely blindsided
"Rachel," he says, daring him to deny it.
"Of course she did," Kurt says, shaking his head in disbelief.
"Don't do that," Blaine says. "Don't make this her fault, all she did was force me to acknowledge something we should have dealt with a long time ago."
"We agreed that we weren't going to have that conversation," Kurt says. "That first morning you were here."
"Yes, because I was too fragile to have it," Blaine says. "I'm not broken anymore. Well, I am, but not like I was before. I can handle it."
"Okay," he says, pouring them another very full glass of wine. They're both going to need it. "Then let's have the conversation."
"Why now?" Blaine asks, suddenly. He's been holding all these questions in for so long, and now he just wants to have the answers. He needs the answers.
"What do you mean why now?" Kurt asks.
Blaine gives him an annoyed look. Is he really going to play dumb after he just promised to be honest?
"Look, I'm not trying to avoid the question," he says. He fidgets in his seat, and though Blaine can tell that he's uncomfortable, he can also see that he's being sincere. "I'm just not sure exactly what you're asking. Why did I decide to talk to you about this now?"
"Why are you helping me through this now, when you couldn't be bothered when we were actually dating?"
"That wasn't it," Kurt says. "It wasn't that I didn't care. I always cared. I just... I was in over my head. I had a very demanding internship for a very important man and everything with you was just too much."
Blaine snorts in disbelief. Of course it always came back to that stupid internship. The internship that was so important, helping Blaine deal with the loss of his father was just too much. What a great relationship the two of them shared. It's funny thinking back on it. They had been the couple everyone looked up to. The love that couldn't be shaken. Yet when Blaine needed him the most, when any boyfriend would have been there, even a horrible one, Kurt was nowhere to be found.
"When you lost your dad, it reminded me so much of my mom," Kurt says, maintaining eye contact with him, though Blaine knows how uncomfortable it makes him to appear so vulnerable.
"Except it wasn't, you never got along with your dad and then suddenly he was gone before you could ever fix things. And you were so broken, there was nothing I could do to get through to you. I tried, God did I ever try, but you kept pushing me away. Every time I tried to help you, you'd start a fight with me. And when the panic attacks started, it was too much."
Blaine remembers it all too clearly. Remembers the first time it had happened. The two of them had been window shopping on 5th Avenue, hand in hand, enjoying a rare coffee together when something reminded him of his dad. It was the smallest thing, so small, that Blaine doesn't even remember what it was now. But it had sent him spiraling out of control and caused Kurt to call 911. The hospital had informed him that it was simply an anxiety attack and there was nothing physically wrong with him. They had referred him to a psychologist but Blaine had never been comfortable talking to people about his problems, let alone strangers, so he refused to go no matter how much Kurt pushed the issue.
"I was so young," Kurt continues. "I had no idea how to handle that. I didn't know the first thing about helping you. It was terrifying. You can't have any idea how scary it is to watch the person you love hyperventilate and completely disconnect from reality. I thought you were going to die."
"Imagine how terrifying it was for me then," Blaine says. "Imagine how horrible it was to be so lost and to have the one person who always gave you strength gone? You were always working. You never came home and when you did you acted like I was a burden to you–"
"You weren't a burden," he cuts him off, places his hand on his arm to reassure him. "I just didn't know how to help you. I was in over my head. God, we were only kids, what did you expect? I fucked up. Sometimes, I fuck up. I'm not perfect."
"Nobody but you ever said you had to be," he says, bitterly. Kurt's perfectionism had always caused them problems.
"I would tell you that I regret it," Kurt says. "I'd tell you that I was sorry. That we were both kids who had to deal with more than any kid should have to and I panicked. But I can't. Because when I broke up with you, I told you that you deserved somebody better, and you found somebody better. So to tell you that I'd take it all back, that would be incredibly selfish. Anybody could see how much Jake loved you and how much..."
Kurt has to pause as he chokes back tears. Blaine's barely containing his own as well. He feels raw. Like his skin's been peeled away and all the disgusting bits about himself have been exposed. "How much better you were without me."
"Did you take Olivia and me in so that you could win me back?" Blaine asks, at once, hoping Kurt won't answer, but needing him to desperately.
"You know what, it's been a long night," Kurt says, standing up to go inside. "Why don't we finish this in the morning when we're both a little less emotional."
"Just answer the question. Do you still love me?"
Kurt freezes with his hand on the door. He stands there for several moments, starting to turn back around to Blaine before he changes his mind and goes back to the door. Eventually, he sits back down with a deep sigh, resolved to see this conversation through to the end. Blaine wonders if Kurt sees what he's seen from the beginning. That this is the last conversation they'll ever have.
"Those are two different questions," Kurt says, his voice tired. "If you're asking if I still love you, then the answer will always be yes. You've known that and you can't hold it against me now."
"Fine," Blaine says, knowing that he is right. He can't very well blame Kurt for still loving him if a part of Blaine has always belonged to Kurt. They were each other's first loves, it's normal for them to still care so deeply about each other.
Blaine holds his breath. He waits for Kurt's next question. The one that has to follow such a big admission. He knows Kurt is wondering if Blaine still loves him. It's only natural for him to want to know after Blaine's had him answer such an intimate question. Only the question never comes. He wonders if Kurt already knows the answer. Knows that the answer has always been yes, only not in the ways it's supposed to be. It's yes in all the painfully unresolved ways that probably come from such a one sided breakup.
He wonders when Kurt stopped feeling he had a right to ask that question. Or when he realized any answer Blaine gave would hurt all the same.
"Then tell me," Blaine speaks up when it becomes obvious that Kurt has no intention of saying anything. "Promise me that you didn't do all of this. Take me into your home, befriend my daughter, give up hard earned profits so that the news wouldn't run my story... tell me that you didn't do any of that to win me back."
"I didn't."
Blaine snorts.
"You wanted me to be honest and I am," he says. "Your husband died. I'm not heartless. When my dad lost my mom, it was eight years before he dated again. I understand grief. I was trying to help make things easier for you because I know how hard this must be. I wouldn't try and use what happened as some sort of seduction tool. That's crazy."
"So you think I'm crazy," Blaine says. He knows it childish, that Kurt is trying to tell him the truth and he should listen. But he can't help but feel bitter after all these years. It's too much to hear in one day and yet not enough.
"When you say things like that? Yeah, a little bit," Kurt says.
They sit in silence, both of them leaning back in their chairs, stubbornly refusing to start the conversation up again. A few minutes later, after they have both finished their third glass of merlot, his family returns with a very hyper Olivia.
"My birthday is tomorrow!" She runs out onto the balcony singing and doing a strange dance that is so bad that it's cute. "G'ama gaved me all of the ice cream."
"Grandma gave me ice cream," Kurt corrects out of habit, then shoots Blaine a sheepish look. He clearly doesn't know if it's alright to talk to Olivia when they are... what exactly are they doing? Are they fighting? If so, it's much more tame than when they used to fight. There is no yelling, no dramatic storming out.
"Grandma gave me ice cream," Olivia repeats properly, beaming up at them both. She's far too young to recognize the tension between them, but Blaine can tell his mother sees it by the way she, Cooper and Harmony hastily say goodbye and promise to be back in time to set up for the party tomorrow.
"You, Littlebit, are getting a bath and then we're going to bed. It's past your bedtime," Blaine says, picking her up and swinging her above his head as she giggles uncontrollably.
"But I'm not tired," she says, still laughing as he drags her into the bathroom for a quick bath.
"Yes, but just think, when you wake up tomorrow, you'll be five years old!" Blaine says, giving her his biggest smile. He draws her a bath and lifts her into the tub carefully, still nervous about hurting her newly healed leg.
"Do you think that I'll get my Ariel doll for my birthday?" she asks, splashing around in the water.
"Oh, I don't know, have you been a good girl?" he asks, schooling his face to look serious.
"The bestest!" she shouts with a giggle.
He lets her continue to wonder, though he knows that there is a closet full of Ariel toys, dresses, and DVD's in his closet for her. He also knows that Rachel has gotten her an entire tea set of her own as well as a gift certificate to the Alice and Wonderland tea shop the two of them love going to together. His mother's gotten Olivia her first American Girl doll and Cooper has splurged on a fair number of accessories for it. Wes promised Blaine that he wouldn't try and pick out the gift after the matchbox car fiasco and that Charlotte would find something perfect for a five year old princess. He's pretty sure even Kurt has gotten her something, though he won't tell him what it is. She's going to be spoiled, but it's not every day that your baby turns five.
He smiles, listening as she babbles on and on about her party while he washes her hair. When she's finally clean, he pulls the drain on the tub and opens up a towel for her to climb into. Bath time has gotten much quicker since she's ditched the walking cast.
"Daddy?" she asks, leaning back into his arms as he gently dries her off.
"Yeah, Liv?"
"Do you think Papa will watch my party from heavens?" she asks, leaning her head far back enough to look him in the eyes.
"I think Papa's always watching you," he responds, kissing the top of her head. She still smells like the strawberry shampoo they started buying last year. He can't bring himself to change it, not when it reminds both of them of Jake so much.
"We should bring him cake. Grandma," she says the word carefully so she pronounces every syllable like she's been taught. When she says it correctly, she beams brighter, proud of herself. "She said that she would buy an ice cream cake. Papa liked the ice cream cake."
"He did." Blaine nods, pulling her night clothes off of the sink, where he's left them. She turns in his arms so that she's facing him, twirling one of his curls around her finger.
"We should bring him some," she says as he nudges her to step into her Little Mermaid nightgown.
"Sounds great," Blaine says. He hands her a toothbrush and waits patiently as she brushes her teeth.
"We'll go visit your Papa soon," he says once she's finished. "Only not tomorrow, because all of your friends are coming over. Maybe on Sunday, if it doesn't rain."
"I like that idea," she says, putting her arms around his neck and giving him a hug. He wraps his arms around her and stands up, carrying her into the third bedroom. They had cleaned it out in the last few weeks to make room for a small bed and dresser. Blaine finally admitted that it wasn't healthy for them to continue to share a bed and they've been weaning her into sleeping on her own. It's been a slow process, but she's finally starting to adjust.
"I'm tired now, Daddy," she says, yawning as he tucks her into bed.
"I thought so," he says, tickling her under her chin and causing her to giggle.
"No story, just song," she commands him, pulling down on his arm until he lies down next to her. "I want to sleep so it can be tomorrow."
Blaine sings to her and stays with her until he's absolutely certain she's sleeping. He takes a moment to really look at her. The way her light brown hair falls into her eyes as she snores lightly. The way her left hand is clutching onto Gator, still the best friend she could have after all these years. He can't believe that this is the last time she'll ever be four years old. Tomorrow she'll be five, and in August she'll start kindergarten. His baby girl isn't a baby anymore.
Eventually, he leaves the bedroom and closes the door behind him, careful to leave a crack so the hall light will shine through and she won't freak out if she wakes up in the middle of the night. Kurt has moved into the living room. He's sitting patiently on the couch, not even typing at his laptop or checking his phone. He's just waiting quietly for Blaine to finish so they can return to their earlier conversation.
"Listen, I promise you that I had no ulterior motive when I offered to help you," Kurt says as soon as Blaine settles into his chair.
"I believe you," Blaine says quietly.
"Okay, because having you stay here has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Watching you with Olivia, seeing you both struggle so much, it's painful. You were always the one I looked to for hope that a happy ending was possible. To see you lose your husband like that, in such a brutal way, it killed me. But I managed it because I knew that you needed me. I can't comfort you like Rachel and Wes. I can't love you like Jake did or make you smile like Olivia. But I can help you in a way nobody else can. I haven't busted my ass and ruined every relationship I've had for nothing, I have money and I know a lot of important people. So yes, I used my connections and money to try and fix the media circus that tried to consume you. But I didn't do it so I could win you back. I would never do that."
"Okay," Blaine says, holding his hands up so that Kurt will stop rambling. "I said that I believe you."
"Right," he says, nodding his head and biting his lower lip. "So where does that leave us?"
"Just answer one more question for me," he says. "Are you Jenna?"
"What?" Kurt asks, looking at him curiously. It's clearly not what he had been expecting.
"In Breakaway, are you Jenna and am I Brian?"
"No," he answers.
Blaine raises his eyebrows at him in disbelief.
"Not exactly. I mean, I put a lot of myself into Jenna. Every writer puts part of themselves into their characters. But you're not Brian. I would never want you to be Brian."
"What does that mean?" Blaine asks, unsure if that is an insult or not.
"Jenna is consumed by passion. For a while it was Brian, but then it wasn't. She messed up and didn't know how to fix it so she found a new passion. Threw herself into this crazy dream of opening her own restaurant. So yeah, I guess that's me to a degree. But you're not Brian, I certainly hope you aren't. Brian deserved somebody that wasn't Jenna. He didn't see it that way, he forgave her in the end and they worked it out. But he would have been so much better off if he had found his own Jake."
"So Brian's gay?" Blaine teases, not ready to think too hard about what Kurt's saying.
"Shut up," Kurt laughs quietly. "You know what I mean."
"I do," Blaine says. "I'm not sure if I agree, but I know what you're saying."
And he does see it. He sees everything much more clearly than he ever has before.
"I wrote that musical to fit the music, I didn't write it to tell some fantasy that I've been holding onto," Kurt says.
Blaine's not so sure that's exactly it, but he's starting to realize that as far as Kurt's aware, it is. If he's been using his musicals as therapy, to play out the past in some way, he never saw it like that. It still doesn't explain or excuse Above All Else, but maybe it doesn't have to. It's been nine years since then and Kurt's already admitted that he's made his fair share of mistakes. Maybe it's time to move past that.
Isn't that how Brian's number goes?
We were just a couple of kids, trying to figure out how to live, doing it our way. No shame, no blame cause the damage is done and I forgive you.
"So in your mind, Jenna didn't deserve Brian's forgiveness?" Blaine asks, hoping to see more into how Kurt's head works, though after tonight, he's pretty sure he's got a clear picture.
"No, not really. But Brian refused to see it that way, and as a writer, you've got to be true to your characters. Every time I tried to write it another way, it just didn't sit right. So I changed the ending and added 'I Forgive You' in."
"Have you ever wondered what it was about those songs that caused you to write them into a musical?" Blaine asks, knowing the answer, but curious if Kurt does.
"I'm not sure, they've just always stuck with me. I figured they'd make a good show."
Blaine nods, but doesn't say anything. It's late and they have Olivia's party to get ready for. Besides, even if he did say something, Kurt would just deny it. It's going to be something he needs to figure out on his own.
Sometimes, even though you can see your friends' issues and want to fix things for them, you can't. It's something Blaine's learned from this whole experience. He knows that it's killed his family to sit by and watch him struggle on his own, refusing their help, but it's what he needed most. No matter how many times they tried to get him to move out and find his own place, he was never going to listen until he was ready.
Kurt will figure it out when he's ready. And maybe when he does, Blaine will be ready, too. But he knows one thing for sure, they aren't going to get there if he continues to stay here. He won't bring it up. Not until after this weekend is over and his family goes back home. But after... afterwards he'll tell Kurt that it's time that he found his own place.