Wide Awake

Chapter 17

The First

I sat on the bathroom floor for a while, bandages wrapped around my arms. I had snapped out of it, but there had already been two lines on my left wrist and one on my right. They hadn't been too deep, I had gone deeper before, but they stung. It was a dull stinging though because the pain killers still numbed the majority of my body from pain.

My head was leaned back, resting against the cool tile. There was a crack in the tile I had banged the end of the knife into. Then I had dropped the knife into the sink which I then filled with water. I washed my… cuts… and then wrapped a bandage around them before sitting where I was now.

I bowed my head so that it rested on my knees. I took a gulp and felt my body quiver. I couldn't trust myself to stand; after all, I had actually lost a good amount of blood. The sink was drenched in blood, or bloody water. And my bandages were already almost bled through. The knife was hidden under the crimson water, most likely somewhat cleaner now.

"Itami?" I heard a voice call from below. I stood, using the wall for support, and I took a deep breath. I took a few shaky steps into my bedroom after closing the door and unplugging the sink so the water and evidence of what I had done would slip away.

"Itami, yeah?" I heard the voice call again, and I distinguished it as Deidara. I ignored his calling however and grabbed my sweatshirt which I pulled over my head and allowed the overly large sleeves to hide my arms.

"If you don't answer I'm breaking this door, un!" Deidara called again, so I walked over to the trapdoor and unlocked it, dropping it down. Then I stumbled back to my bed and sat on the edge. Deidara was next to me seconds later. He sat next to me, and I noticed he had pulled the trapdoor back up and locked it again.

"You ok, un?" Deidara questioned softly. I frowned.

"I'm not a ninja like you guys," I muttered looking down at my feet, "I can't take death in a stride. Kayan… she was a good friend to me… to find out she's dead…" I shook my head.

"You'll move on eventually, yeah. Everyone does after time." Deidara said, trying to comfort me. I looked up into his worried blue eyes.

"But how long will that time be? Time can heal all wounds…but some wounds just can't heal." I snapped, but my voice was hollow. Deidara put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him in a hug.

"It feels like that now, yeah. But trust me, when time goes by, you'll feel better." Deidara promised.

"I felt like shit when you died too." I commented, not feeling any different from before.

"When did I die, yeah?" questioned Deidara. I blinked, then slowly shook my head.

"When I came back here… Konan said that Zetsu had thought you died… but you didn't. But I thought you were dead…" I trailed. Deidara sighed.

"It was a big mess, that, yeah." Deidara commented. Konan had told me he had used a clay clone or something. I couldn't remember much of what she had said, my mind was too preoccupied.

"I don't really know much about how close you guys were, but I can offer my support and stuff, yeah." Deidara offered, patting my shoulder. I sighed and shook my head.

"If you think I'm crying in front of you, you're a dumbass." I informed him, lying back on my side and curling into a ball. Deidara was silent for a moment, and then he sighed.

"I don't know how to comfort you, un." Deidara murmured as he walked over to the trapdoor, "But if you want to talk or something, I'm downstairs, yeah." And then he left through the trapdoor which he pushed back up a second later.

I was left to my thoughts and my mind, which was a dangerous place for me to be.

Everything seemed to fade as I stared into space. Then when it was completely black the familiar blurry scene came before me. I was standing now, and I looked down at myself. Through my transparent body I was able to see the concrete sidewalk beneath me. Taking a deep breath I looked up and down a short walkway was Kayan's house.

Kayan's house was somewhat old and worn looking. It was a brown color and it had a large tree next to Kayan's room… old room. Kayan's room was on the second floor and its window faced their neighbor's house, the stairs that led up to the second floor where right outside her door too so you could fall down them easily. Kayan and stairs never mixed well, but she never fell down them. Up them is a different story, she always defied gravity and fell up the stairs.

"Come…" I wasn't sure if there really had been a voice, but I felt something pulling me towards the house. I walked up to it and went to knock since their doorbell never worked. But my hand just hovered there in the air. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Then I dully realized that my hand was no longer transparent. I looked at it, somewhat curious. I started to ponder what was going on, but then stopped as voice startled me.

'Don't be such a weak bitch.' I heard Akuma mutter in my mind. But after that I closed my mind off. I couldn't think or else I wouldn't be able to knock. After another minute of standing there, I finally was able to knock.

I waited there for about two more minutes in silence until the door finally opened. Kayan's mom answered the door, and for a second I thought someone from The Walking Dead stood in front of me. Kayan's mom, to be blunt, looked awful. Dark bags were under her eyes and frown lines extended from her mouth. Tear stains ran down her cheeks, showing that she was still mourning her loss heavily.

"Itami?" Kayan's mom questioned, surprised. Her blue-green eyes widened, and then she pulled me into a bone crushing hug. At this point, my pain killers were starting to wear off slightly, so I was starting to feel the stinging of my wounds. And my wrists weren't much better.

"Itami!" Kayan's mom started to sob into my shoulder, which was a feat for her considering I was much taller than her. I slowly wrapped my arms loosely around her shoulders and allowed her to cry into my shoulder. We stood there for what seemed to be like forever until she let go.

"It's… it's been so hard…" she whimpered, looking at me with a sad look. Kayan's mom had always been so strong to me. She reminded me of an older version of myself. But, I suppose even the toughest of people break. Me, it takes a lot to break me completely. Kayan's death hit me hard, but I had only cried when I first heard about it. I doubted anything would break me after everything I had been through.

"I miss her so much… I actually have an appointment now, Itami… you can stay as long as you'd like, can you just lock the door when you leave?" Kayan's mom questioned quietly, patting her dirty blonde hair down quickly. Kayan's mom left quickly, and I was surprised. However, I realized that me being here probably had something to do with it. I most likely reminded her of Kayan.

I closed the front door behind me as I entered the house. All the lights were off and I slowly climbed the stairs. However I could hear something. It was a loud, rhythmic thumping noise. Like a heartbeat. Then as I reached the top of the stairs I heard a crying noise. Suddenly, the heart beat noise stopped and there was a thud from inside Kayan's room.

I rushed up the stairs, wondering what was going on. There could have been a thief, which was what I was thinking. But I was wrong. I slammed the door open and looked in, ready to yell and attack. But then, my heart almost stopped beating.

"I-I… I must be imagining this." I croaked, my eyes not leaving the form. There, hanging from the ceiling fan, was Kayan. There was a noose wrapped tightly around her neck, and her eyes, which were open, stared dully at me.

I made choking noises as I tried to comprehend what I was seeing. My arms went to my stomach and I felt all that I had eaten in the past day rush up my throat. I backed up and made it to the bathroom where I threw up into the toilet. I hacked for about ten minutes before I was done.

I managed to shakily stand again and make my way slowly to Kayan's room after I had flushed. I leaned against Kayan's door for support. It wasn't just my eyes like I had hoped. No, Kayan was there. At least, I saw her. It couldn't be an illusion.

Suddenly all reality and common sense flew out the window. A low groaning sound came from Kayan's body, and suddenly the head twitched. I staggered back as the eyes blinked slowly and came into a focus on me.

"I-Itah… Itaaaahhhmeee." Kayan moaned. My heart was no longer frozen, now it was beating so fast I would think that the entire world would hear it. Then, suddenly everything turned black for a moment. I grabbed at my head and closed my eyes. When suddenlythere was no noise any longer, not even my heart, I opened my eyes.

I was in what looked to be a torture room. Chains littered the walls and floor, blood staining the bricks crimson. Various weapons lay around the room in piles, and there was a door with a barred window.

"Why am I dead Itami?" I almost shrieked as I whirled around. Standing before me was Kayan… no. This couldn't be Kayan, at least, not fully. What stood before me was a creature. Half of it looked like the old Kayan, then a split happened directly down its body. The other half looked like a monster, bags were under its eyes, its hair short and choppy and blood dripped from its arms. Words were carved into its arms; I was able to make out 'Murderer' and 'Sinner'. I recognized this half as the monster that I had seen while I had been in the hospital.

I tried to inch back as suddenly, blood began to pour from its eyes like tears and the creepy grin it had sported pulled back into a petrifying look. My body shuddered and it reached forward.

"Why am I dead?" it questioned again, its voice hoarse.

"You killed me Itami. It's your fault I'm dead." I stumbled back and tripped, falling on my ass. I tried to crawl back, anything to get away from it. But my back hit a wall, and the creature bent over.

"Why did you kill me Itami?" its hand slowly reached around my neck in a throat crushing grip. I felt the air leave my throat and I struggled, trying to pry the hands from my throat.

"It's all your fault that I'm dead!"

Suddenly I could see what had happened. I watched Kayan's death. I watched as she killed herself.

Kayan as first ran up into the room, tears streaking down her face.

"It's all my fault!" she moaned, crying into her arms as she curled up on her bed.

"Itami's been shot again, and it's all my fault!" Kayan cried. Kayan threw an all out tantrum, her things were thrown all over, she cried and screamed. A few pill bottles missed my head and I could see her stress relief and depression pills fly past me. Then Kayan quieted, and she sat there, her head bent as she slowly shook.

"Itami… if she's not dead now… she will die because of me." Kayan mumbled, slowly standing. She walked over to her dresser and pulled some shit out, a few shirts, some old Halloween crap, and then she tossed a knife I had given her on her bed. Following the knife was a rope that we had used to tie her brother up when he had pissed me off the first time I went to Kayan's house.

"I don't want to watch this." I muttered, trying to look away. But I couldn't take my eyes off Kayan as she threw the rope around her ceiling fan. Her eyes were dead and glazed over, as if she were in a trance. When a noose was hanging from the fan, she sat on her bed. Her eyes now held some sanity, but the depression in her eyes overcame her sanity. I closed my eyes as Kayan carved the hateful words into her arm. I hugged my own arms to my body.

"Could this be how Jack and Chris feel?" I wondered briefly out loud before I heard Kayan move again. Blood dribbled down her arms, but she was beyond feeling now. She pulled her desk chair up and stood on it. I made a few noises, I can't remember what I was trying to say or do, but no matter what it wouldn't have changed anything. Kayan slipped her head into the noose, and she stood there.

"Now, Itami won't die." Kayan murmured, and with those words my heart dropped. She kicked the chair out from underneath her and soon her body limply hung there. I fell to my knees. I felt like I was going to throw up.

Soon that scene faded, but I found myself back in the torture room. The Kayan creature was giving me an evil look, a grin. I meanwhile was crouched onto the ground, heaving with nothing coming out.

"It's all your fault Itami. You had to get shot." the Kayan creature yelled, pointing at me.

"All your fault." Her voice echoed around the room and I grabbed my head, shaking my head.

"No… it can't be my fault…" I moaned, pulling my knees to my chest.

"All your fault Itami. You're the reason that I'm dead." I grabbed at my head, a migraine coming on. And I also wanted to block the sound out. I needed to block the sound out. Kayan's voice danced around the room, taunting me.

"It's all your fault I'm dead, Itami."

And then I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed, my nails scraping along the side of my head. I shook violently and kicked at the creature. It disappeared quickly and I rolled onto my side. The voice was still bouncing around the room.

When I finally calmed down, I found myself back in my room at my house. I don't know what happened, why I had gone from transparent to actually there. But I did know that things were going to be shitty for a long time. I pulled myself into a ball and hid under my blankets. Downstairs, I could hear the Akatsuki yelling along my brothers and Violet and Kirai.

And this was only the beginning. The first.

AN

So… very depressing. Itami's slowly cracking and going insane. She needs some Deidara loving to get her back. She'll get better eventually, she's Itami. She pushes her pain back and bottles it away. She'll be badass again very soon.

Also, sorry for how long it took. Two-three weeks. I apologize, but I've been getting ready for regents, finals, and my teachers like giving me 100 problems each for homework that I HAVE to do since it's graded. I'm ready to cry, and that's hard for me to do. But, luckily, next week is my last week with homework. Yay.

Also, today I had a school dance for the kids moving up to the high school. I annoyed my friend Luke the entire time and he's probably mad at me. I also danced with my friends like… twice the entire three hours. I was devoted to annoying the shit out of people.

Aaand, i'm now focusing on my story Crimson Stained, so do me a favor and check it out. Of all my stories, its the most planned, its going to be the longest, and its my favorite of all my stories.

Q-Ominous ending, what do you think it means?

A-So it was a prediction question last chapter… yay.