Authors Note: This is not a death fic. Just don't tell Beckett that.

Ok so I should point out something. Watching the season finale was hard for alot of people I think, but especially for me.

See I was dealing with a similar situation to Beckett. Should I stay or should I go. At work they announced that 400 people needed to go, right around the time of the last few Castle eps. They were offering severance pay packages and were asking for volunteers. This has happened numerous times in my 10 year career and normally they get too many. Not this time. So for awhile I was worried that I would be forced to leave. Then the company made a announcement that even with the 400 leaving the company was still in big trouble. The future was looking grim with the rumors of pay freeze, pay cuts and losing leave loading for afternoon shift. And a bunch of other stuff. So then I had to make my mind up to stay or go. Hard decision . In the end I decided to go and Friday was my last day at work.

Dealing with all that while writing this story, not so good. I was feeling very glum and was hoping writing would pull me out of it. MMMMM yeah. I am actually really excited about my future even though I have no plans, but Caskett's future is still unsure so the glumness remains. Haa haa.

Anyway just wanted to explain it to you.

Reviews make me happy as well as happy Caskett stories so send them my way please.

Thanks everyone

Beckett was already throwing money at the taxi driver before he had even stopped out the front of the hospital. She wasn't sure how much she had given him and she didn't care. Getting to Castle was her main priority. The fact the taxi was still moving when she opened the door didn't faze her. She just used its momentum to propel her towards the automatic doors faster.

Protocol.

Procedure.

The two reason why she hadn't been able to escape the playground and be at Castle's side. Her assistance had been required. She needed to do the right thing so she could achieve justice for Castle and the other victims. Yet doing the right thing had seemed so wrong. As soon as she could, she jumped in a taxi and had come straight to the hospital. She was in no state to drive, something that almost never happened. If Castle had asked to drive she would have said yes, except he couldn't drive because he was shot. He had been shot and she hadn't realised.

Beckett took a deep breath as she scanned over the people in the hospital. Martha and Alexis were already at the hospital waiting for her to arrive. Waiting for her to be the strong one.

'Katherine, please get here as soon as you can.'

Those had been the pleading words from Martha only minutes before. Beckett had never heard Martha's voice tremble the way it had. She hadn't been the one to call Martha to tell her Castle had been shot. No. She had called Alexis, who had then called Martha. Alexis, who had stayed calm the whole time.

Which was more than she could say for herself.

She hadn't even thought to call Alexis or Martha. It was as if her mind had gone completely blank. She had to be asked the same question several times by the officers. Somehow she had managed to answer him. In monosyllabic words. Yes. No. Ummm. Apart from that her mind wasn't working.

The officer who had been talking to her asked if she needed to call anyone. Their kids, parents? Beckett's fingers had fumbled over the touch screen on her phone until finally the officer had offered to help her. At first, he even had to hold her phone against her head because her hands were shaking so much. The longer she was away from Castle the more her resolve was slipping. She was finding it hard to keep it together.

"Kate."

Beckett turned around and saw Martha rushing towards her.

"Martha, how is he doing?"

Martha held onto her arms and Beckett was grateful for the support. "They are operating on him now. We should hear something soon. The bullet went straight through, in and out. That's good, right?"

Beckett tried to keep it together. Yes, it could be a good thing; it could also be a bad thing.

"Where is he?" Beckett asked.

"We are waiting over here,"

Beckett noticed that Martha kept one arm wrapped around her own. She was glad for the contact as she wasn't sure she could do this on her own. After walking down a few hallways, Beckett was glad that Martha had come to get her. In her state of mind, there was no way she would have been able to find them.

When they came across Alexis, Beckett marvelled at the young woman's strength. She was sitting on a hospital chair, her back ramrod straight. None of the worry that she was surely feeling adorned her face.

"Darling, have you heard anything?" Martha asked her granddaughter.

"Gram, Kate. No. No one has come to see me yet. Kate, what happened? How did dad get shot?"

Beckett closed her eyes as the sound of gunshots rang in her ears. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Which one had been the one that got Castle, she wasn't sure. She suddenly felt sick and dizzy and hot.

"Kate, why don't you sit down?" Martha offered.

Kate nodded, and opened her eyes as she was led to a chair next to Alexis. She undid her jacket and fanned herself. 'Keep it together, Kate,' she told herself.

"Oh my gosh Kate, are you injured?"

Suddenly, Alexis' hands were on her stomach, and Martha had a hand on her shoulder.

"Kate. Are you ok? Were you hurt?" Martha questioned.

Beckett looked down at her shirt. "Umm no, I'm fine. The blood, it's not mine. It's,"

"Dad's?" Alexis asked.

Beckett gulped. "Yeah,"

"What happened, Kate? How did dad get shot? No one is saying anything. All I know is what you told me. He was shot. Why wasn't he wearing a vest?"

Guilt swept over Beckett as she closed her eyes again. She hadn't told Alexis any details on the phone. It was important that someone was by Castle's side. She had been straight and to the point, like a cop.

Beckett licked her lips and swallowed deeply before opening her eyes and addressed Castle's little girl.

"We weren't on a case. We were sitting at the playground talking, just talking. Suddenly shots were being fired from a car driving past. I tried to protect him. I pushed him to the ground but I guess I was too late.."

"Richard Castle,"

The three women looked up at the doctor that was approaching them.

"Are you here for Richard Castle?" he asked again.

Alexis stood up but Beckett remained seated. Oh God this was it. This was the moment where they told her that he was gone. That they were sorry but he didn't make it. We tried our best.

"How is he?" Martha demanded.

Beckett held her breath.

"He is in recovery at the moment. He has come through the operation fine."

A tear slipped down Beckett's cheek. He was fine. What the hell did that mean? Fine. She had just told Martha and Alexis she was fine and she clearly wasn't.

"Can.. can we see him?" Alexis managed to get out

Beckett stood at hearing Alexis stutter. The girl wasn't as strong as she made herself out to be. That was her job; Beckett needed to be strong for Castle's family.

"I am sorry, not now while he is in recovery."

"Excuse me. I am Detective Beckett. Could she just see him for a minute? It's her father. She won't touch anything, I promise," Beckett pulled her badge from her waist and showed it to the doctor.

"Detective 'Kate' Beckett?" the doctor asked.

Beckett nodded as she put her badge away.

"You're the Detective who is responsible for this hospital not being a mad house."

Beckett frowned. "Umm, excuse me?"

"My brother in law is a paramedic. He told me a Detective Kate Beckett was at the playground when the shooting happened. Shot the guy before he could do any more damage. Apart from Mr Castle and the gunman, only one other person had to be operated on. A few flesh wounds, minor cuts and abrasions were all we have had to deal with. Which is pretty good considering what we have had come in with other drive bys."

Beckett gulped. She hadn't really paid much attention to the other victims. 'No fatalities yet' had been something she had picked up from one of the other officers, but figured it meant it was too soon to tell. No one had been killed but Castle wasn't out of the woods yet, not until he was out of the hospital.

"That was you wasn't it? I can't imagine there are too many other Detective Kate Beckett's out there,"

Beckett shook her head. "No there isn't. I shot the gunman, it's what I had to do. I'm a cop." Her brain still wasn't functioning properly.

The doctor nodded. "Well, a lot of people want to shake your hand, I can tell you that. I guess we could break the rules for you. Just for a minute or two, though."

Beckett forced a smile for the doctor. "Thank you,"

The doctor urged Alexis forward but she didn't move.

"Kate, maybe you should go."

Beckett shook her head at her. "No, Alexis. You go see him. Make sure he is ok. We'll be waiting."

Alexis nodded before following the doctor. Beckett closed her eyes and took a few steps back. Arms were on her shoulders again and she felt herself being guided to a chair. Beckett hung her head down and covered her eyes with her hands. She couldn't do this. She couldn't be strong. Her resolve broke, and the tears she had been trying to hold back suddenly burst from her eyes. No matter how hard she shoved her palms into her eye sockets, she couldn't stop the tears.

"I'm so sorry, so sorry," she uttered over and over again.

"For what dear?" Martha asked still holding her.

Beckett tried to pull away from the woman's grasp but she didn't have the energy. "Castle being shot,"

"It's not your fault," Martha told her.

"I wasn't there for him,"

"I don't understand,"

Beckett took in big gulps of air. "He was laying on the ground bleeding out and I wasn't there for him. I went after the gunman and left him there, to dieeee." The last word came out as a wail, but she couldn't help it

Martha ran a hand over her arms, trying to reassure her.

"Oh honey, don't be silly. You went after the man who hurt Richard. He would understand, he would have wanted you to."

Beckett shook her head and finally mustered up the energy to pull out of Martha's grasp and stand up.

"No, Martha. I didn't know Castle had been shot. I shoved him to the ground. I shoved him. I didn't even check to see if he was okay. I just pulled out my gun and ran away."

"Not away, Kate. After the gunman who shot Richard. Who shot at other people."

Beckett ran a hand through her hair and then gripped her skull. She needed to grip onto something, because she was slowly losing her grip on reality.

"I ran away and did my job. I did my job and left Rick to die,"

Beckett gasped a few times. She couldn't breathe. Her mouth was sticky from all the crying. It seemed she couldn't stop the various liquids excreting from her body. Turning a few times Beckett started looking around for something but she didn't know what. She was frustrated and she needed to do something, needed to go somewhere. Pacing back and forth Beckett started ringing her hands. She then hugged herself, then moved back to wringing her hands again. Her breathing was erratic and she couldn't get it under control.

"I chose my job over Rick," she finally managed to get out, almost choking on the words.

Beckett felt her legs weakening and she sunk to the ground. Through her slightly blurry vision, she saw her blood stained hands standing out against the bright white floor. She knew even if she scrubbed her hands raw she would still see the blood on them. Lady Macbeth came to mind instantly, and Beckett no longer thought of the woman as insane.

Beckett felt herself being pulled up from the ground. Well, yanked was more like it. She blinked a few times to clear her vision then stared in shock at the woman before her. How did Martha have the strength to lift her up?

"Now, you listen to me, and you listen well, girl."

Beckett trembled at the sight of a very angry Martha Rogers.

"Kate Beckett is a cop. She goes after killers. Richard knows this. It's one of the many things he loves about you. He wouldn't begrudge you for going after the gunman. Especially when it's become clear he could have killed so many other people. Now pull it together. Richard needs you to be strong."

Beckett shook her head. "I don't know if I can do it,"

Martha shook her slightly. "You can. You're Katherine Beckett. You fight for truth, justice, and the American way."

The corner of Beckett's mouth slightly lifted. "That's Superman Martha, not me,"

"That's where you're wrong. You have no super powers and yet you keep fighting anyway. Fight now. Fight for Richard. Fight for what's important to you. Fight for what's inside here." Martha rather forcefully poked Beckett in the chest twice.

Beckett stepped back and rubbed a hand over her chest, the other over her face. Fight for what was inside. Beckett didn't know what was there anymore. For so long it had been empty, but now. Now she didn't know.

"Dad's ok," a relieved Alexis interrupted.

Beckett quickly swiped her hands over her face a few times trying to wipe away her break down.

"Did he say anything?" Martha asked.

"Oh yeah, he is high on painkillers, and is a little woozy from the anaesthetic."

"What did he say?" Beckett questioned, coming out from her hiding spot behind Martha. Her waterproof mascara had better be working otherwise she was suing the company.

Alexis rolled her eyes. "He asked if he was going to have a scar like Zorro," the young woman then sliced a z in the air with an imaginary sword.

A genuine smile appeared on Beckett's face. "We were watching Zorro a few weeks ago,"

Alexis nodded. "I think Dad has been watching far too much TV. He started reciting lines from Chuck."

"What's Chuck?" Martha questioned.

"It's this TV show about a nerd who kind of becomes an accidental spy," Beckett told Martha. "Castle has been trying to get me to watch the show for ages. I finally agreed to a marathon last week but only because Alexis was going to watch it with us. She promised to keep your son under control." Thinking of Castle in a happy, alive way was bringing Beckett back to normal.

Almost.

"Is the show terrible? Because Richard has been trying to get me to watch some Sci fi show for ages but I simply can't bear it,"

Beckett shook her head. "The show is actually good. The thing is one of the main characters reminds me of this jack ass detective. So, which lines is he reciting, Alexis? He isn't saying 'Awesome', is he?"

Alexis laughed. "No, he's reciting the line Chuck says from when he and Jill were pretending to be engaged. Well he is paraphrasing it. "She gets the 5 C's. Color, cut, carat, clarity and Castle,"

Beckett froze. Was he really reciting lines from the TV show or was he talking about them? Beckett slid her hand into her pants pocket and gripped the ring inside.

"He then told this terrible 'Dad joke' but I got to give him some credit, he was under the influence. Apples and Cherries have to get married in a church because they Cantaloupe,"

Cantaloupe. Can't elope. It really was a 'Dad joke' but it was also a Castle joke. Apples and Cherries. He was Apples and she was Cherries. Marriage. Marriage between two very different fruits, but in the end they were all just the same.

"Well, if Richard is telling jokes then he must be doing fine."

Beckett looked at Martha: she obviously didn't know her son well. At times, Castle used humour to cover up what he really was feeling. It was his coping mechanism. His way of coping when things were bad. He must have thought things were bad. That, or he really was high on the painkillers.

"They're going to move him to another room shortly," Alexis told them. "He'll probably sleep the rest of the night. They said he isn't critical, but they will let one of us stay with him overnight if we want."

Beckett nodded. She knew that nurses needed room to walk around and treat the patient. If too many people were in the room, they just got in the way. They said Castle wasn't critical, so protocol would be that all visitors leave at the end of visiting hours. She wondered if the doctor had pulled some strings for her.

"Why don't you stay with Dad, Kate,"

Beckett looked at Alexis in shock. "What, no Alexis I couldn't."

"Are you sure?" Martha asked her.

Beckett nodded. She looked down at herself. "I'm a mess at the moment. Both physically and mentally," she admitted. "Your Dad needs to see your smiling face when he wakes up."

Alexis frowned at her. "Are you sure?"

Beckett nodded. "You need to be here for you, too. I'll be back tomorrow."

Beckett hugged both women before hastily exiting the hospital. She had been in such a hurry to get there but now she couldn't wait to leave. Having a breakdown in the middle of the hospital in front of Castle's mother was bad. It had been awhile since she had what she referred to as a panic attack. She had been so proud of herself. The trick was to not get too stressed out. If she felt one coming on, she usually got herself out of the stressful situation. Sometimes she slept or had a shower. Watched something funny on TV. Once she had even called Castle, asking him if he had adjusted her chair. It had been before they were together, and he hadn't known she was using him to quell her fears. He just denied adjusting her chair, and then the conversation had moved onto other things.

She couldn't talk to him now, but she did have to get away from the stressful environment that he was in.

She told Alexis she needed to be there for her father. What Beckett needed to figure out was where she needed to be.

Warning. I am going away in just a few short hours up to the Gold Coast. This cold weather is driving me nuts and i really needed the break from all the stress going on. So no new chapter for at least a week. But because you guys were so nice with the reviews (I expected none or angry ones) I decided to give you this chapter to say thanks.

Oh and a big thank you to CCLMS and Mazzy- Lee who read a bunch of my stories in a row and added them as favorites. I saw my inbox and nearly broke teeth because i was smiling so much. Love yas