XIII.
And All My Dreams, Torn Asunder
As Kagome stared at the collapsed dust that had been Kikyou, her thoughts were strained only for an instant trying to decide on her new enemy, trying to focus.
The black rage saw Inuyasha only as an enemy, the one who had wounded her Shippou. The pacing Inu was not restrained by her own memory, her own feeling – since the moment the bloody scent had first touched her, she had lived in a darkness to which she had no choice but to submit. She was not used to the power of a demon's emotions; her anger was all consuming, relentless, and Kikyou's last words had done what the undead priestess desired, undoing every last bit of rational direction in Kagome's soul.
There was, sharply, a secondary tug on her emotions, a scent of blood only newly familiar; instinct forced livid heat into her eyes; her focus on Inuyasha became total.
Mate! Wounded...
At any other time she would have questioned her own thoughts, the baseness of them, their lack of subtlety, but the whisper of Sesshomaru's blood only reinforced the Inu, its will.
Strangely - or not, if she had only known - only Sesshomaru could touch her; she was aware of him, though not of his voice, not of his words. He was a reaching inner presence that sought vainly to restrain the well of violence that had overflowed in her, but the tiny freedom in her thoughts, the place where she remained herself, was already restored to violence, had no way to fight against the dark. She had lost herself to her anger, her furious pain, and her flesh was too new, too unfamiliar for her to have control over it.
Her eyes followed the movements of Inuyasha's face, seeing the truth of her own memory, the madness, the endless panic that was released in him.
There was a vague shimmer in her thoughts, the glimmer of a released fang, golden, enormous, but it faded almost unrecognized. Tetsusaiga was not with him; she knew without wondering how she knew it that the sword could not help him now.
There is no way to bring him back.
The prowling Inu took this for agreement; she felt the inner howl, a deep squeeze of satisfaction in her most visceral self. She took one step forward across the silver-thread grass, and Sesshomaru called for her again. His voice, the sound of her name, made her stumble; there was blood roaring in her ears, the Inu moving in her skin...and then she saw him step back, and step back again, leaving Inuyasha to her, giving up his claim on his brother's death.
Sesshomaru saw only that since the moment he had found her, sleeping under the trees, they had been moving towards this moment. His attention, all his thoughts, were in focus with the promise she had taken from him. '...I will lead you to your brother. I know…exactly where he is.' Her words had been twisted; she had brought him to his brother, but the death that moved was not in his hands and there was no memory of that promise in her face, of what it once might have meant. She was wrath – she was darkness, glowing in the night.
Sesshomaru saw her claws dart outwards and return glistening, and heard a sharp snarl from his brother's throat at the same moment. The moonlight reflected oddly in Inuyasha's eyes, made them seem more blue then red, but he was distracted from the strangeness by a bright light in Kagome's hands, glowing violet. A smile leapt across his face that he could not restrain. The unanswered question that Kinawai had been taunting him with had its answer now, burning in her claws.
Miko!
And, lower, growling, deeper:
Mate.
She was terrifying in her anger, terrifying and beautiful. Inuyasha's attention was only on her, now...and yet he was not looking at her. He would not raise his head to meet her eyes. There was depth in his brother that Sesshomaru had not suspected – even now he had not given up his fight.
He remembers her – he knows her scent!
The magnificent smile had not left Kagome's face despite the avoidance of her foe, but at that moment, there was a call, a shout out of the darkness.
"Inuyasha! Inuyasha -"
Even in the thrall of her own instincts, Kagome's eyes shot up, stared across the grass. She knew that voice - it was - it was -
Miroku!
She stared, growling, and heard Miroku's sudden huff of breath. Tetsusaiga came flying through the air, the long sheath catching the edge of the moonlight and throwing it back. Miroku's aim was true; it flew straight as an arrow towards Inuyasha.
Recognition gave Kagome the power to take an extra step back, struggling with the Inu's possession of her will, her movements, trying to breathe deeply, to be calm, but it was a failing effort. She knew, knew, that it would not work – but hope tightened her throat painfully and gave her the strength to take a single step back.
Breathing deeply only brought her more of the terrible scent spurring her violence, but she forced herself to her knees; Sesshomaru saw the flicker of her eyes, red and golden, expanding and contracting with the sound of her growl.
Tetsusaiga fell through the air, almost in slow motion. Out of reflex, or some final, violent effort of his soul to save itself, Inuyasha's hand came up, and caught the hilt. Of those watching, only Sesshomaru was prepared for what happened, for the eruption of power, the lightening barrier of the sword rejecting his brother's touch.
Too late. Too late, brother.
For the first time, looking at Inuyasha, Sesshomaru felt...pity.
"No! Inuyasha -"
The sword came flying back towards Miroku much faster than he had flung it, accompanied by Inuyasha's howl of pain, a sound that was utterly deranged. The moment before it struck Miroku, Sesshomaru was there, plucking the sword out of the air; he stared down at it, his father's fang, quiescent now. Why - in his hand, but not in his brother's?
He looked up, saw the human looking at him, wide-eyed, his focus drifting backwards over Sesshomaru's shoulder towards Inuyasha.
This human - a friend of Kagome. He is courageous to stand in front of me without trembling.
"Houshi, if you wish to live, then leave this place. The kit - he is behind us in the grass. He requires your help."
"Uh- "
Miroku's eyes passed back and forth, between Inuyasha, Sesshomaru, the youkai female he did not know, who still was familiar - but he backed away slowly, his thoughts racing, until he was far enough away that he felt safe running.
Shippou - Shippou is wounded?
He turned and sped out across the meadow, seeking Shippou; his eyes were distracted, kept peering back over his shoulder.
If Shippou is hurt, then where is Sango? Where is she? She was only going to bring him back, only going to -
His eyes were drawn to the dark spot in the grass, just as those before him had been, and he stopped over Shippou's body and took a deep, gulping breath.
Oh - kami -
Behind him, the long moment of silence was broken by pure sound, a blister in the air, an animal scream. Miroku whipped around and stared, almost fell forward onto his knees.
Inuyasha -
He was burning, bright with a deadly power that was suddenly, impossibly familiar. Miroku closed his eyes, but that only made it worse - and it was impossible, impossible -
Kagome.
He knew in his heart of hearts that it was her; he knew her power, as unique as she was, easier to identify than a fingerprint. He did not understand how this could be. As if he were seeing two people at the same time, two people in one place, he saw Kagome, his friend, her smile, the brightness of her power; and beneath the vision, there was the real truth of his eyes: the female youkai, as much youkai as Sesshomaru - more, at this moment, as she was possessed by glittering violence and a pure and deadly power.
Sesshomaru stood utterly still where he had stopped, Tetsusaiga clutched in his hand; he was staring at Kagome with confusion plain on his face, and did not even know it. Inuyasha's agony changed its tone and became higher, sharper, howling, and Sesshomaru watched her burning claws bury themselves in visceral flesh. He smelled organ-rich blood, the first hint of the darkness that he knew was death, and took a sharp breath.
This moment – it was not what he had thought it would be. He had thought that it would break her, but she was still smiling, a smile that was pleased at the death-sounds, a smile that showed him the Inu far too close to the surface, in total control. He had lost any sense of her at all; the internal pressure that had been a flood was now a bare trickle.
She will end as mad as he is!
But even as the thought crossed his mind, Inuyasha sagged forward onto her hands, and then away from them, suddenly silent. Sesshomaru narrowed his eyes, seeing clearly, this time, a deep blue color fade to red, and then gold in Inuyasha's eyes, as his strength faded and the pulse of blood was dimmed.
The consuming power was extinguished quickly; in a few moments, the light no longer moved in his blood. He lay still, flat on his back, and Kagome swayed in place, her fingers outstretched. Her left hand was bloody to the wrist; the fingers of her right hand dripped darkly. She stepped forward slowly, carefully, as though the ground might disappear from under her feet.
The blood that had flowed out of Inuyasha seemed to have taken the madness with it; his eyes were clear. Kagome stumbled, and then fell onto her knees beside him. His eyes, their brightness, grasped something deep in her heart, and pulled - and against that pull even the Inu had no power. Carefully, her hands stiff as if they belonged to someone else, Kagome dragged Inuyasha up so his head was on her lap; he breathed very deeply, and he smiled.
"Kagome. I knew - it was you."
"Inuyasha - "
"Sorry, Kagome. I always...mess it up, don't I? You...smell nice..."
Her tears fell hot and fast, onto his cheeks, his lips; she felt his body moving less and less, his breathing becoming fainter and fainter.
"Inuyasha -"
She found herself suddenly unable to say anything but his name, and that, too, was harder - harder -
"I remember the first time you said that, Inuyasha."
He smiled; it took a long time, and in those moments she fully recognized what was happening.
Inu - Inuyasha - he - I -
"Always..Kagome, I always loved you best - I always...always loved you, best..."
It took a long moment for his words to sink in, and by that time they had failed him; his breath was a low hiss.
She felt suddenly an emotion for which there is no word.
As though awakening from sleep to find suddenly that her dream was real, Kagome stared down at her own hands, Inuyasha's blood. The light of the moon showed up the stain with green highlights, clear and liquid. Her face was wet – she felt the tears, the movement on her cheeks, the burning in her eyes – but half of her soul was still unable to understand this, darting back and forth between grief and anger, silence and violence. That part of her screamed loud enough to shake her, laughing, cruel. It said 'Why this crying? Why all this crying now? The prey is dead, the prey that murdered mine...isn't that what I wanted? Isn't it? Isn't it?'
She felt Inuyasha's fingers slide across her cheek, through the tears, and then they went slack. Silence pounded in her ears; she heard that silence for all that it lacked.
No more words, no more breath-sound, no more heartbeat.
After what seemed like a long time, she felt hands on her. Sesshomaru was pulling her, trying to urge her away from the ground, away from the death, and the blood, and the silence. He spoke very quietly, though there was no one else to hear.
"You should not have done it. You should have left him to me."
She did not answer; her mouth made soundless shapes.
Suddenly, as he turned to step away from his brother's body, there was a note, chaotic, and a shaking blaze of light from Tenseiga.
Sword - what do you want from me, sword?
He ignored it, and pulled Kagome close, kissed her, would have praised her will and courage but for the glaze of betraying pain, like knives hammering across the tie that bound him. Her eyes sought to wound him, reaching and berating -
And suddenly her hands were on his haori pulling, pleading, almost bearing him down to the ground. She was not so heavy; was it the grief, weighing on her? The guilt? Her streaming eyes were attached to the pulse of the sword at his waist, and suddenly, the vanished hate for his brother welled up stronger than it had ever been. Her pleading - terrible!
It was the worst thing he had ever heard!
He did not know why.
"I know you think it's not a loss, I know you would have killed him yourself, but I did it, I did it! His blood is on my hands, not yours."
Stop.
There was pain, actual pain, searing his thoughts. His unspoken thought had no power over her.
"Sesshomaru, I can taste his death! Save him! Please, I know you can save him. The light of your sword says you can save him!"
No!
He reached out and grabbed her flailing hands, held her still, turned her face so that she was forced to look up into his eyes.
"Tell me what I should save him for, Kagome. Tell me, mate, what should I save him for?"
He heard her gasp, knew which word had done it, unless it was all of them...
"Please – save him..."
Her desperate whisper was worse than her pleading tears.
"Tell me! Save him for what, Kagome? Save him for madness and someone else's claws? Save him for you? You are mine!"
Agony pulled her, raped her mind and shattered her, left her screaming on the ground, on her knees. Only his hold on her wrist kept her from crumpling face-first into the mud. It was not her own pain. Not hers, but Sesshomaru's; she knew it, irrevocably, knew it and knew with it that his words were more than true. A thousand other things rushed into her consciousness, suddenly making sense - the touch of calmness that ringed her soul, for one thing - it resonated through him now, a wave that retreated and returned. And his pain - his pain was because - because -
"You - are -"
His eyes flashed, dark and then utterly cold, as if that could protect him from what he suddenly knew was coming.
"You are - caring! For me - For me! What do you want from me?"
She accused him with her words, and he snarled, turning away; he could not confront his feeling, could not touch it. She was his own mate, but she was the most dangerous creature in the world.
He watched her walk away from him, and he saw by the collapse of her shoulders and shiver of her movements that she was giving up. At his waist, Tenseiga shivered, too, and he sighed and took a step forward.
I should not be doing this. It is - Wrong.
With a swift, single movement, he drew the sword and stood still, staring downwards.
If I do this, I will lose her.
He waited.
Lose -
Waited.
her.
Nothing happened. As his thought completed itself the light from the sword went completely out; he saw no underworld-servants, no glittering of afterlife. He saw her eyes turned up at him, glittering with sudden hope, but he was forced to shake his head.
"I'm - sorry. I...tried. For you."
There was a great admission in his words, something beautiful and terrible, but she couldn't think about it, couldn't breathe.
Inuyasha. Inuyasha.
His last words kept playing over and over in her head, overwriting Kikyou's, overwriting...everything.
"I always...always loved you, best - always loved you, best - always - always -
In true youkai fashion, Kagome threw back her head and howled, giving full voice for the first time to the Inu that leaped inside her, sacrificing her grief to the moon.
Slowly, very slowly, silence fell. Kagome stayed where she was, not moving, not speaking, and Sesshomaru backed away through the grass until he encountered the Houshi again. Miroku was holding Shippou very carefully; he had wrapped him in bandages made from the torn fabric of his own robe, and the kit's breathing looked easier now, the open edges of his visible flesh less raw.
Sesshomaru looked back at Kagome, a dark shape kneeling on dark ground, and felt numbness.
She is fading.
For the moment of that thought he stood more motionless than the body of his brother, and could not breathe. The inner presence that had been such a weight as he ran had become a bare wisp, a hint of its former self. He thought of what it would be to lose that presence, to be empty of it forever though it was so new, and shuddered. What would call her back from the edge of darkness?
"Houshi, give him to me. That kit."
The distrust in Miroku's features was fluent; his awareness of the uselessness of argument, eloquent. Carefully, he held out Shippou and allowed Sesshomaru to lift him away.
Miroku looked down at his hands, at the red blood, dark in the lines of his palms, and then up at the sky. His thoughts were stunned, broken; in the space of ten minutes, his world had fallen apart and he wasn't sure what he should do. Slowly, he turned back towards the village, but he stopped before he had taken twenty steps and looked back. The thing that was most confusing had finally made its way to the front of his thoughts again; he wasn't sure he wanted to understand, but the question would not go away.
Who is she? Who is that female, the demon with Kagome's power?
A/N: And a moment of silence, for the death of Inuyasha. Ahh...wow, I tried really hard, so...no one hate me, okay? He really HAD to die...and, just because I'm nice, I tell you all - this is not the last we see of Inuyasha. Haha I really shoudn't say that but I just can't help myself. And yes, before everyone starts a riot, there IS a reason Tenseiga is playing lightswitch with Sesshomaru...and no, I'm not going to tell you here what it is! maybe you can guess! Also, for anyone who read the manga- I am aware of a whole bunch of sword-merging, sword-creating, new-sword-attack-giving hullaballoo...and it's a pain in the ass, to be honest. So, yeah...Tetsusaiga. Tenseiga. And Toukijin. :D
Now, reviews! much thanks to...wow! lots of people! okay, lets see...tifftails88: I REALLY shouldn't say this, but because I'm also a sucker for happy endings for everyone, I will give away a great secret, never before revealed to anyone (except my secret beta who read the original waaaaay back when I was in highschool) - eventually - waaay eventually, as in the SEQUEL, Kikyou and Inuyasha do indeed get a happy ending!
Exiled Rain: Yes! Some is much better than none! Better by far! much thanks!
Aries2Orion: much thanks to you as well! As far as Shippou goes, there are two things keeping him alive - one, he's kitsune. I really want to get across that he is youkai - with all the strengths and differences that entails - and not just a poof-ball fox-like kid-thing. As he seems to be portrayed often, sadly. Two, Sesshomaru has shared his blood with him - quite a bit of it, actually! And as we will learn very shortly, that is extra helpful!
Selene88Sakura: wow! excited caps! ha! my plot is evil and twists everyone in various ways, but it's good to know I've managed to keep everyone pretty much in character!
Yokou Kumiko: much thanks! one more for you, on the house! :D
Anime Lady PIMP: FINALLY! Ahh...so glad I don't have to worry about her any more. And I don't have too feel too bad, cause in Winds she ends up with Kouga and is much less tragic. [ding dong the witch is dead...]
Ichisakuraki: Sorry, I just can't type the whole thing! I never spell it right the first time...ahh its so amusing to see how many people are pleased Kikyou is dead. I didn't know everyone thought she was an annoying pain in the ass. See, Inuyasha should've just used her as a vase, and then...heh. much thanks!
lunarcat12: thanks twice! Sango returns shortly, don't worry! and you know, I specifically wrote in Kagome killing Kikyou because...really. Half her soul, and the idiot is still trying to kill what basically amounts to a live version of herself. ridiculous! and now...dead! And everyone is going to eat me alive because I killed Inuyasha...
caitibug323: last, but not least! behold, the life of shippou! and...coming soon: Sango, who has Once Again been Traumatized. poor sango...I can't help it, she always ends up traumatized in my fics somehow!
Phew! More soon: Please Review! I talk to you, see? And the spirits of the anime plane say so!
And...Final Revisions, Complete! Poor Inuyasha...I still feel bad. Well, anyway, R&R!