XVIII.
Substance and Shadow
The morning found Sango walking alone at the edge of the village. She had denied Miroku's request to accompany her, had laughed off his worry even though she still felt a tickle of unease herself about being alone in the wild. Still, she needed time alone, needed time to think.
She had kept to herself only one secret, when she had told Miroku, and later Kaede, exactly what had happened to her while she had been in Inuyasha's grasp. She had not told them of her momentary awakening in the darkness; the glimpse of Kagome she had had in the moon-touched mouth of Inuyasha's den - when she had been alone, the last time she had woken before Miroku's voice had called her attention.
It was obvious after a few days spent in Kagome's company, after hearing the story of Inuyasha's death, Kikyou's undoing, that Kagome herself remembered nothing of that particular moment. Sango herself remembered it only too well; the sight of that familiar shape, outlined by moonlight - the rising of a hope beyond hope...and then the crushing weight of those red eyes, the dark youkai presence!
Did she even recognize me? She didn't know, or didn't care -
The idea of it, of such forgetfulness, such internal possession, such a vengeful hunger...it frightened her. Sango had spent her youth listening to the stories of her father and their village, stories of the great and terrible demons who had slain entire villages in passing, or trickster youkai who maintained the shape of human beings in order to live in lavish wealth and sleep among human woman, stealing their virtue and, later, perhaps their lives.
At first, she had been more than a little suspicious that such an explanation might be in order; she had kept the thought to herself, well aware that the eyes of this new Kagome, bright youkai gold, might see through her pale facade to the truth beneath.
But since we buried Inuyasha, she has become more and more like her old self, a little at a time...so that I cannot believe it. I cannot believe anything except that she is Kagome, and I don't...I don't want it to be true!
If there was anyone who could manage to be youkai and still keep a human heart, it was Kagome... but...
Sango shook her head, angry at her own doubts, her own faithlessness, her own selfishness. If she looked at it honestly, it was just that - selfishness. It was so hard! There had been - not an agreement, but an unspoken understanding between them, as between sisters. Someday, she would marry Miroku, and Kagome would marry Inuyasha, and they would settle in the village together...have children, raise them like siblings, teach them together...
That can never happen now.
And the reason, as Sango thought of it now, was not Kagome, but the one who called her mate, the one who possessed her. Sesshomaru would never allow his pups to be familiar with humans; his children would not be companions for her sons and daughters – and his children were Kagome's children, now.
Sango had considered, on several occasions, what it might take to slay a demon of Sesshomaru's strength; alone, she would never have dared to attempt it, and the reason was simply that she knew she would have no chance of success. Such a youkai looked down upon demon slayers with contempt; the potions and powders upon which she and her kin had set such store, the youki-enhanced weapons, the poisons and training - all those things were like the buzzing of an insect to a youkai like Sesshomaru. Now...her problem was different, greater.
Kagome is become like that! She will be -she is - one of the mighty, and she does not know it. And I - I am a Taijiya; that is my calling and my inheritance. And how can I...how can I...
There was a tiny mew from down by her feet, and Sango looked down and smiled a little.
"Hello, Kirara. Have you been playing with Shippou again?"
There was an affirmative mew.
"As long as you're gentle; Kagome's still worried about him, she didn't want him to get out of bed again today."
The twin-tailed cat leapt up in her arms and purred gently, rubbed her small wet nose against Sango's cheek.
"Kirara..."
Quite suddenly, she stopped in her tracks and peered down at the kitten-shaped youkai in her hands. Kirara blinked at her, tilted her head to one side and let out another mew. Her tails twined together and then separated, tickling Sango's fingers.
"Kirara, change your shape for me, please?"
Lightly, Kirara leapt down again. There was a momentary roar of wind and fire, and then the little twin-tailed cat stood revealed in her true shape, flame leaping about her paws, fangs bared, eyes demon-sharp. There was nothing cute about her now; Kirara was dangerous in a number of ways, but Sango sat down beside her and leaned her head against one leg...and quite suddenly, the objective truth of what she was doing struck her hard.
I'm not afraid of Kirara. And I don't slay her, either - what's wrong with me? It's Kagome I've been thinking about! Kagome!
Sango turned and hugged Kirara compulsively, unmindful of the flames, the great fangs, and pressed her face into the soft fur.
Kami-sama...she must be so upset at how we've been avoiding her - she must think...she must think we're horrible -
"I've been an idiot, haven't I?"
Kirara nudged her gently, lapped at her cheek with a rough, moist tongue that left her face damp from chin to forehead.
"You know it's true. I've got to do something, something to let her know that I'm not...that she doesn't...bother me. What do you think, Kirara?"
There was a momentary rush of wind, and Sango let out a whoa! of surprise and fell over backwards as Kirara returned to her smaller form.
"Mew..."
Kirara climbed onto Sango's chest and swiped at loose strands of hair with one small paw; she pulled a kitten-fierce face, and let out a mewling growl. Sango smiled, and then giggled, and finally laughed.
"I get it, I get it - she's as dangerous to me as you are, isn't she? But still - I don't know what to do to tell her that."
She picked herself up out of the grass and stretched, careful of the itchy, healing scabs on her arms.
"I'm going to talk to Miroku, Kirara, and see if he has any ideas. Thank you..."
She squeezed Kirara tight for a moment, and received a lick from a much smaller tongue on the end of her nose.
Miroku was waiting for Sango outside of Kaede's house, and he was glad to see her coming back with a smile on her face.
"Miroku, were you waiting for me? I'm sorry - "
"You don't need to worry, Sango. You needed time alone; I understand."
With less hesitance than was her custom to show, Sango came up beside him and hugged him. She intended it to be momentary, but his arms came up around her and squeezed her tightly without straying into any dangerous zones. Mouth close to her ear, he whispered so that his breath tickled her.
"Kaede says that early in the next month is a good time to marry, Sango."
She flushed bright red and twisted out of his grasp, held her hands tightly together in front of her.
"She will marry us in the Shinto tradition. She is a miko and not a Priest, but I don't think that matters too much - "
"No...no, I guess not - "
And then Sango paused and looked up at him, suddenly bright eyed.
"That's it! Miroku, you're a genius!"
"I am? I am!"
He paused, looking at her with a raised eyebrow.
"But why exactly am I a genius, Sango?"
"Because now I know exactly what to do for Kagome - to make her feel at home with us again."
"She's not...I don't think she's staying, Sango -"
"Of course she isn't!"
She let out a puff of air that ruffled her hair, and pointed at him scathingly; he could hear in her voice, in her words, that she was scolding herself as much as she was scolding him.
"But we've both been absolutely terrible to her, Miroku! You were right, what you said - she's just Kagome, no matter if she's youkai or not, no matter what she looks like or who she's...attached to."
She said the word with great delicacy, and Miroku struggled to restrain his grin. This was good - better than good. This was his Sango, who he had missed since the day her brother died; she had not been lively like this for a long time. And her smile...her smile was back, her eyes sharp, the way he loved them. Maybe this new Kagome was good for them. Was that...could that be true?
For now, anyway...
"Of course I'm right. But what do you want to do, Sango?"
Her smile grew just a little bit wider; her blush darkened.
"I thought...I thought we could ask her to marry us. She's a miko too, isn't she? Even if she's youkai, she's still miko - you saw, you heard -"
"I did."
Miroku stared at her; he did it for so long that Sango grew uncomfortable and began to babble into the silence, trying to cover up the awkwardness she felt.
"You don't...we don't have to, of course we don't, I just thought that maybe it would...I don't know, I thought it would make her feel better if she knew we accepted her, and that way...and I - "
"Sango, what are you worrying about? It's...it's perfect, Sango. You're the genius, not me!"
"O-oh. Well - well of course I am! I wonder, though...where did she go? I haven't seen her since early last night..."
"I don't know - Shippou could find her, though."
"Yes! Kirara was with him out in the meadow; but do you think he'd help us? He's been...a little touchy."
Sango frowned a little; Miroku only shrugged.
"Of course. He doesn't care in the slightest that she's changed - can't say I blame him, he's Kitsune, after all. Kagome coming back made him happy; Kagome becoming a demon is probably a dream he never even dared to have."
"Won't argue with that. Come on, Miroku, he can't be far..."
They found Shippou easily enough; he was laying beside Kirara in a patch of autumn sunlight, naming the shapes of exotic clouds as they passed by in the blue over head and trying to catch particles of golden dust as they fluttered by.
"Shippou, feeling up to some hide-and-seek?"
Miroku called out over the field, and Shippou sat up at once, waved.
"Miroku! Sango! Kirara and I want fish!"
"Is that so?"
Miroku spoke smiling. He and Sango crested the hill together, hand in hand, and Sango grinned down at Shippou, brushing the hair back out of her eyes.
"Well, maybe there will be fish for dinner, if you can help us find Kagome. How's that, Shippou?"
He nodded and scratched his ear, turned his nose into the wind.
"I guess...she's close, I think. What do you want to find her for?"
His voice was suspicious, and neither Sango nor Miroku could blame him for that.
Probably thinks we're going to say something terrible, or do something...
"We haven't been the same to her, since she came back; because she was youkai. But that's not fair, and I - we - thought - "
Miroku took over, speaking with a broad, beaming grin.
"We're going to ask her if she'll marry us, Shippou. If she'll perform the ceremony."
"Oh! Hey, that should make Kagome feel lots better!"
Kirara caught him by the back of the vest and held him when he tried to scrabble up and run - Sango held out a warning finger and shook it at him.
"Now, Shippou, slowly! You know what Kagome said - "
"But I - "
"Shippou - "
"Yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it..."
More slowly, he stood and then trotted along, testing the air with his nose. Kirara, kitten-shaped, followed along, Miroku and Sango trailing behind.
"She's in the forest; come on, you two lovebirds - "
He snickered, and went just a little bit faster in front of them. Sango gasped and tried to snatch her hand away, as if only just noticing that Miroku had never let go. Miroku held on tightly, and pulled her right up against his side. He let go of her hand then, but instead held her fast by the waist. She trembled; he felt it, but she did not make him let go.
Kagome was walking in the woods; she had been wandering in circles, since Sesshomaru had gone to bring Rin back, and her thoughts were unsteady, flickering here and there. Without really meaning to, she ended up at a familiar place - the old well - as if her feet followed a path beneath the falling leaves that her eyes could not see.
Carelessly, her fingers traced the edges of the wooden lip; she peered down over the edge, and then drew back, sat on the edge and kicked her feet. There was a pulse from behind and beneath her that was terribly familiar, horribly tempting. She could throw herself backward, fall down and in and go back to her mother, and Souta, and her grandfather with his ridiculous wards. Back to bright lights and electricity and subways, back to school and University and someday a nine-to-five job...back to her friends who would not, could not understand her -
She stared down at her hands, the sparkling claws, sharp, deadly, as reflective as glass. Her fingers looked longer now, more delicate, because of those claws; her hands fell out of her lap and onto the lip of the well and she felt roughness; a splinter punctured her finger and she let out a little gasp, scowled at the offending piece of wood as she removed it. Curious, she stood and looked down, and almost immediately wished she hadn't.
There were the marks of desperate fingers on the edge of the well, the marks of ten dangerous claws that had dug their own shape into the wood, cracking it, splintering it. Carefully, she lay her own fingers in the wide-spaced grip, closed her eyes.
Inuyasha was here. He was here, waiting...what were you waiting for, Inuyasha? What were you trying to do? Were you fighting off the darkness, or giving in?
She crouched there, her fingers in the gouges Inuyasha had made, and peered down into the well. She could see the glittering, shattered colors in her mind's eye, the swirl of light that had brought her from the future to the past, so many times.
It was frightening, now; it had been frightening to her since the shikon no tama had come together in her hands. The source of that fear was a thought at the back of her mind that she had never allowed much room to grow.
If I go back to the future, will I be able to return?
Something in her heart pulsed warningly at the thought; she had never dared to test it, and now...now, it was too late, in more than one way.
Kagome, the girl, could have chosen at any time to leap down into the maelstrom, to go forward in time and return to the family, the life, that she had abandoned.
Kagome, youkai mate of the Lord Sesshomaru, had no such choice. Looking down into the darkness, thinking of all those things, the hallmarks of her modern world, she knew at once and irrevocably that it was a world she could not return to. What would she do, under the assault that she knew she would suffer in that place? Her ears rang with just the thought of a single car horn, or a school bell - and what about raised voices, radios, fire drills; what about the smell of gasoline, the attack of a thousand fumes and perfumes -
She swayed a little, thinking of it, and heard a guilty whisper in the back of her thoughts.
I was always so inconsiderate of Inuyasha...even if he was only hanyou, it must have been awful.
Her fingers tightened, and then she looked up; real scents were tickling her nose, and she could hear...rustling. Why would that get her attention?
Is it - footsteps? But -
Quickly, she leapt down from the edge of the well and closed her eyes. Who were these scents? They were...friends. Yes, that was the message of her senses; friends. Which friends?
Shippou. Yes.
Her recognition of his scent was automatic; the instincts of the Inu inside her had claimed him, and that made him easy to know.
And...
She took deep breaths. She knew who it was, the pair of scents coming towards her, but she wanted to learn them, know them for what they were and not just because there were only two people, male and female, that would be looking for her.
Eh - but how did I know that? Male and female...
There was an edge to one scent; it was Miroku, she knew it was, but the how was a different question. There was...something musky, like sweat but not quite; cotton odors, a breath of dark incense.
Miroku. And Sango...
Sweetness, something floral and almost fruity. Kagome smiled a little; she knew that smell! Her own shampoo, something with a ridiculous name like 'berryflower passions'; yes, that was the smell. Sango's own scent was fainter beneath the artificial perfume. It was almost herbal, like sage and safflower and citrus...
Miroku, and Sango. I know it, now. I will remember.
She smiled faintly, but her face wrinkled almost immediately.
But why are they coming out here? Are they...are they looking for me?
It would explain why Shippou was with them, and why they were wandering so much; the sound of them was easier to follow than the scents. But that was her fault, for going in circles - she had been walking for hours and had felt no fatigue, no reason to sit down, or rest, or sleep...
I should go to them, but...
She was afraid that they did not want her. She did not want them to look on her with fear again, didn't think she could bear it. Was there anyone else who could be her friend if they were not? Was there anyone else that would even bother to try to know her?
"At least...I have Shippou."
And Sesshomaru. He wants me; he says I am his. It feels good...to be wanted.
Kagome let out a heavy sigh and stood up, pulled a few splinters free from her robe carefully and scowled down at herself in distaste while she was doing so. She had bathed, and washed out the silk that had been bloodied...but the damage was irreparable. It was not so much a stain as a change of color. She looked south and east with longing; the way Sesshomaru had gone, the way back...home. The thought was strange and uncomfortable, like new shoes.
That's going to take time to get used to. Home...and there're so many things I don't know, still...
The memory of her 'hunting lesson' was bright in her memory, and so was the thought of Sesshomaru, teaching her - as strange as it was, she didn't think she could have found anyone better. But still, what she had encountered so far - that was so little compared to the great emptiness of her knowledge! Another sigh shook her, but she reached deep down and found a smile, pulled it onto her face.
The approaching footsteps in the rustling underbrush were close, closer, and then they were no longer footsteps but a pair of paws she knew.
"You found me, Shippou! I was waiting; that didn't take you long at all."
"Kagome! Miroku and Sango wanted to find you and -"
"Shippou!"
Sango scolded from behind him as she leaned on Miroku's arm and made her way over an unruly bush.
"Don't you dare give it away, Shippou!"
Kagome stood very still, staring at them, watching carefully; there was a looseness in the movements of the two humans that she hadn't seen since she had come back to them. Sango was smiling, a wide, natural smile that Kagome had been afraid she would never see again.
"You...you wanted to find me?"
She was almost embarrassed to find her voice locked in her throat; it came out tiny, like the voice of a child, but before she could say another word Sango crossed the distance between them and hugged her tightly, squeezed her so that the breath came out of her lungs in an uncomfortable whoosh.
"Sa -Sango!"
"Kagome, we're sorry! We've been terrible - or at least, I've been terrible - "
Sango let go and took a step back, and glared over her shoulder at Miroku until he rubbed his head sheepishly and looked over at Kagome.
"Me as well, Kagome. I should never have gotten angry with you, and -"
"And we wanted...we wanted to apologize!"
Their words stumbled over each other and Kagome found herself suddenly giggling, holding a hand over her mouth as if that could prevent the sound from spilling out.
"You - you two - "
The tight elastic band that had been squeezing Kagome's heart since the moment she had been aware of their fear snapped, and disappeared almost as if it had never been.
"I've missed you both so much -"
Tears that she was not aware of rolled out of Kagome's eyes and down her cheeks, and Sango reached forward and hugged her again, more gently this time.
"We really were awful, Kagome, but...please understand, it was - um -"
Sango paused.
"Well, it was a bit of a surprise, really..."
Kagome laughed, brushing away tears, and bent down to pick up Shippou. He was frowning in displeasure at being left out, and she ruffled his hair with one hand, held him close.
"A surprise! Sango - you have no idea. But what were you all excited about, Shippou?"
She missed Miroku in the background waving a threatening staff, and was therefore extremely surprised when Shippou clamped his mouth tightly shut and shook his head. Kagome looked up at Sango, the question obvious in her eyes.
"Sango, did you want to tell me something?"
Color shot up Sango's face so fast Kagome was surprised there was no steam coming out her ears.
"We...we're getting married, Kagome. Mi-Miroku and I. Are."
Kagome turned and caught Miroku also blushing; she couldn't believe her eyes.
"Congratulations! Does this mean I'm invited?"
Miroku stepped forward and took the opening.
"Actually, Kagome, we were hoping you would perform the ceremony for us."
Kagome's eyes grew wider than he had ever seen.
"Me? Me, marry you? But I'm – I'm -"
"You are a miko, Kagome. You are as able as Kaede."
"I - well, I - I guess I - if you really wanted me to -"
Shippou tugged at her collar, and Kagome looked down at him. In a loud whisper, he spoke towards her ear.
"Just say yes, Kagome!"
She smiled, and Miroku and Sango saw, finally, that it was really Kagome in front of them - the same Kagome, the same smile. Even the fangs were not so bad, after all.
"Yes. Yes, I'll do it."
Dampened by happy tears, they managed a six-armed hug with Shippou in the middle, and then they turned towards the village and walked back through the trees, talking softly. Miroku and Sango had a thousand questions, but Kagome was curious too, had things she wanted to know. She asked what they had done after she left them, and what they had thought - how Miroku had proposed (again) and, though the answer was stammering and soft, how Sango had liked her first kiss.
They followed the edge of the meadow down to the path that led through the village, and as the wind blew over them Kagome stopped and stood in place, her face suddenly distant, her smile overwritten by an intense and listening expression.
"Kagome?"
Miroku touched her shoulder lightly.
"Kagome?"
She blinked rapidly, and then the smile was back, brighter.
"Sorry; Sesshomaru - he is coming. I can feel him, I think...when he is near. I wonder why that is?"
She did not notice the rapid glance Miroku and Sango exchanged behind her back. They had made up their minds; she was their Kagome, and they would support her, and love her, and help her however they could. But Sesshomaru - he was an unknown quantity, except for his violence, and there had never been anything in his actions to make them think he was a good match for a lively and cheerful girl such as their Kagome had been. She was a little quieter now, dimmed a little and with some of that enormous energy redirected, fueling the Inu inside her - but even so. Sesshomaru?
All their words and thoughts left them when they came over the rise in the path leading down towards Kaede's door, and saw Sesshomaru standing there, straight-backed, deadly, his features regal - and in his arms a smiling figure that revealed itself to be a human girl.
A/N: And finally, chapter 18 appears! Sorry for the wait, but with five classes this semester and a full time job, it will take me a little longer to get out updates...specially since I have 10 fics all going at the same time; I don't want to neglect any of them for too long, you see. Ah, but I like this chapter! Yay, Sango and Miroku figuring it out! Yay Sesshomaru coming back! Yay the next chapter being partially done!
Because it is almost midnight, and because I PROMISE I am posting the next chapter while I'm at work tomorrow, I'm going to [gasp] refrain from going through all the reviews right now, and just say THANK YOU! to everyone who is awesome enough to CLICK THE BUTTON! All reviews will be replied to at the end of tomorrow's chapter, so don't despair! I still love you all! :D Coming Soon: More Kasuka, Sesshomaru Explains Stuff [finally, right?] and Playtime with Shippou and Rin!
Final Revisions...Complete! Yay! (Along with my Psyche final – let's hope I didn't fail, ya? :P)