Chapter 10
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Beast Boy took his time returning to the Tower. He had lingered at the police station for longer than he needed, waiting until Adonis had been fully processed and locked away before heading home. And even then he had hailed a taxi to take him to the pier first, for he was just too lazy to transform and fly the whole way home.
He tried to keep his mind blank, but it seemed to be filled to the brim with unwanted thoughts. He kept going back to the clearing and seeing Adonis pressing into Raven, his claws pulling blood from her skin. It had driven him crazy with anger, and he had wanted to rip the offensive claw right out of its socket. Beast Boy knew Adonis to be nothing more than a self-absorbed asshole, and he didn't need psychic abilities to see that Raven had peaked his sexist interest.
Raven.
Beast Boy rubbed at his forehead, hating the headache that came with the thought of her. The seamless way they had performed while on duty was both a good thing and a bad thing in his eyes.
Good because they were able to do their job as if nothing had happened.
Bad because she was able to do her job as if nothing had happened.
If he had a questionable hold on his sanity he would have been convinced that the night before had been nothing but a dream. But Beast Boy had never questioned his sanity, and every vivid memory from the previous night was still fresh in his mind.
And although Raven was used to locking away her emotions, last night had to be too significant for her to just ignore, right? Because he could clearly remember that there had been moments when he had pulled away and she had pulled him back again, or moments when he had been burning with fire and she had matched his intensity. So she had to acknowledge it, in some way or another, right?
Right?
As Beast Boy stepped out onto the pier and transformed into a hawk he promised himself that he'd force Raven to talk about it. He'd seek her out, force her to stay in one place with him and just…just…
He took off into the air, his thoughts trailing out to nothing. He knew that getting Raven to talk when she didn't want to was an impossible task. If she had wanted to say anything to him, anything at all, she would have done so already. The easy way she was able to leave him behind told him that she had no words for the changeling.
But even then…
And even though…
He needed to find some sort of closure with the situation. Because if he didn't, then being a Titan would be all the more difficult.
And leaving the Tower would start to look all the more appealing.
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He caught the others midway through their debriefing. They had convened in a conference room and were discussing what they had encountered on their individual missions. Cyborg was showing the others a diagram on the screen while Robin and Starfire sat around the table, each one satisfying their post-combat hunger. They looked up when Beast Boy entered, but he just waved for his friend to continue and took a seat next to Robin. The Boy Wonder tossed him an apple and he caught it easily, biting into it with silent gratification. He tried not to show his disappointment with Raven's absence.
"Glad you're safe, man," Cyorg said, smiling. "Rae told us you had your hands full with Adonis."
"And other things," he muttered in reply. "Had to process him and all."
"Well, it's a good thing you're back. The robbery that I stopped was related to Dr. Light again, although this time he got a minion for hire. It seems the good doctor is gathering supplies."
"They just don't seem to have a common factor," Robin mused, taking a long drag of coffee before setting his mug down in earnest. "First he acquires S.T.A.R. labs technology, but now he's stealing petty electronics from a local supplier? It doesn't add up."
"Not to mention the info we got from Titans East. A break in at GenTech for their research on bioelectricity? It's coincidental enough to keep in consideration," Cyborg interjected, shaking his head. "I'm not entirely convinced that Dr. Light had nothing to do with that one."
"Neither am I," Robin agreed. "But I just can't seem to find the missing link."
"Do we have any tabs on the Doctor right now?" Beast Boy asked, participating in the conversation even though his heart really wasn't in it. Cyborg nodded.
"Still under custody. We called in to double the guard on him, but who knows how many people he paid to do his bidding while he's locked up?"
"I'm heading over there in a little bit to question him," Robin said, his brow set in a firm line. "I had wanted Raven to come, but she seemed keen on avoiding this mission."
"She said that fighting with Adonis had left the bad taste in her mouth," Star offered. "She has told me that she feels weak and needs time to meditate." Robin nodded in understanding.
"I know. I just get lazy when I talk to criminals and it's infinitely easier to have her read their minds rather than use deductive reasoning."
"Always trying to find the easy way out," Cyborg said sarcastically, and the Boy Wonder rolled his eyes with a grin.
While the three discussed the best way to approach the Dr. Light situation, Beast Boy finished off his apple in contemplative silence. He knew he should have been just as concerned about the doctor as the others were, but no matter how hard he tried to focus he just couldn't seem to get his mind off of Raven. She had gotten under his skin in the worst kind of way, and if he didn't get some answers then he knew he'd be doing his job with a splintered effort.
He just couldn't seem to understand her, and it wasn't from lack of trying. She could drive him crazy in so many ways, but she so often chose to do it with secrecy, and he deplored it. On the battlefield she seemed unchanged, speaking to him like a colleague but worrying about him like he was something more. But being a hero had never been the hard part with Raven.
Human.
Being human.
That's where the difficulty lay.
But Beast Boy was sick of that excuse.
"Where exactly is Raven?" he heard Robin ask as everyone prepared to leave on their individual duties. Beast Boy brought his attention back into the conference room and listened as Cyborg gave the reply.
"She's in that failsafe room we made for her a few years back. You know, during the Trigon incident?" Robin raised an eyebrow.
"That's not exactly comforting."
"No, it's not. She's a precautionary girl, but she only ever uses that room when she's tipping off the edge. I thought I'd go check on her to see if everything is okay. Not to mention doing a quick bioscan while I'm there. I'm still not happy about what she did the other day."
"Maybe I'll go with you before I have to head out. I wouldn't mind asking her some questions myself. She probably won't say much, but I'm pretty good at reading Raven." For some reason Beast Boy felt his nerves heighten at Robin's words, sweat beginning to break out on his forehead. He knew for certain that no matter how close Robin and Raven were she would never reveal what had happened in the shadows of her bedroom; not in a million years. Still, Robin was often times too deductive for his own good, and Beast Boy feared him concluding the worst. What went on between him and Raven was their business alone, and he wouldn't be able to handle it if Robin knew what was going on before he did.
"Don't press her too hard, though," Cyborg warned, shutting down the screen and computer. "Lately she's been receding with her openness, and I don't want her falling off the deep end anytime soon."
Beast Boy mentally thanked his bionic friend.
"Yes, I have noticed that as well. Raven was persistent with keeping the talking light last night," Star offered, frowning thoughtfully. "She has seemed closed off."
"She's dealing with something, or at least that's what I got out of her when she was in the infirmary," Cyborg mused out loud. "Apparently she's not sleeping well, but that's on Rae. If it were something truly dangerous she'd come and tell us. We know that."
"I just don't like it when Raven keeps secrets from us," Robin said firmly. Beast Boy laughed loudly at that, a sardonic guffaw erupting from his mouth before he had a chance to quell it. His teammates stared at him with questioning looks, but he waved off the awkwardness.
"Sorry, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt the discussion. I thought of something really funny just now."
"Right," Robin said, although he cast the changeling a curious glance. "Okay, let's get going. I'll meet you at the failsafe room, Cyborg. Star?" Starfire gave Beast Boy a concerned look before following after Robin, leaving him with only his best friend in the room. He was still standing near the computer, his frown having etched itself deeply into his face. Beast Boy stared at him and Cyborg stared back. It was an extremely awkward moment.
"Something happen with Raven?" he asked evenly. Beast Boy held his gaze for a moment before just shaking his head and shrugging.
"Nope. Nothing at all," he lied.
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Raven was screaming herself hoarse with the tantrum she was experiencing. Her soul-self bloomed from her chest with her strained effort and filled the entirety of the failsafe room. She tried to push it further, tried to make it bleed through the walls and overtake the entire Tower, but the runes carved into the metal just glowed and kept it contained, rendering her efforts futile.
Like she wanted.
She felt her alter egos in her mindscape cry out against her actions, felt them panic at the amount of energy and power she was wasting. Depravity was specifically terrorizing her mind like a madwoman, grating at her subconscious like serrated steel through flesh. It was painful to say the least, and it had been going on since the moment she had left Beast Boy in the park. The onslaught was murderous, and Raven wanted nothing but for it to end.
Frustrated, she sucked her soul back into her body and slammed her closed fist against the wall, hitting it hard enough to break her knuckles. The injury was sharp, but she made herself heal it unnecessarily fast.
Just shut up, she snapped in her head, sending out a blast towards the glass of the viewing room. She had wanted to shatter it into pieces, but the runes just absorbed the blow. I know, I know. I'll give you what you want, just…please wait…
No more waiting, no more waiting, no more waiting, no more waiting…
Raven's knees nearly buckled out from under her. Depravity's impatience was biting, and her vicious whispers were almost as bad as her outbursts. She was like a hissing viper, pumping poison through Raven's mindscape with every aggravated murmur she gave.
I know, she thought again even as Depravity wailed at the repetition. No more waiting…I get it. I'm fixing it. I promise.
Your promises are empty and your time is running out. Can you feel my power? It grows with your useless, feeling heart. My emotions are poisoning you…
As if to solidify such claims, Raven felt her stomach clench and she heaved a dry cough, sputtering into the crook of her arm.
You cannot contain me, warden. I am too much to handle. You are bursting at the seams, you are losing your iron grip. Let me free, let me free, Let Me Free, LET ME FREE!
"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos!"
The chakra jewel on Raven's forehead glowed vibrantly as a spell that never manifested flourished. She could feel her energy draining from her body, and she momentarily wondered what magic she had actually released in her attempt to defy Depravity. It must have been a big spell—immobilizing time or leveling out an entire landscape—because she could practically feel every cell in her body wither at the loss of energy.
I am losing, she silently admitted. But if I lose then it will be in my way. Your freedom is inevitable…but I will be the one who unlocks those doors.
Raven's magical tantrum continued for several more minutes, with the sorceress performing every last power move she had left in her arsenal. She levitated around the entire space, performing ridiculous feats of conjuring that amounted to absolutely nothing. It wasn't until she was too fatigued to even hold herself up did she finally settle down in the far corner of the room, panting heavily. She pulled off her cloak and rolled the sleeves of her suit up, leaning her head against the wall. Her body felt like it was shaking, but when she held her hand up to her face it was still as stone.
"Well, that was interesting," came a voice over the intercom, and Raven was startled into looking up. Standing above her, with one hand holding down the speaker button and a frown on his masked face, was Robin. "Remind me not to get on the receiving end of your bad mood."
"Robin," she said, and her voice wavered. Of all the people to have caught her losing control, she definitely didn't want it to be him. "What are you doing here?"
"Catching quite a performance, apparently," he said. His tone was light, but the rigidness in his stance betrayed his unease. "And accompanying Cyborg as he does a quick bioscan. Because, you know, you were in the infirmary and all." From the depths of the viewing room Cyborg's arm appeared, waving at Raven. He was probably at the control panel, performing the invisible scan as Robin spoke. "So," the Titan leader started. "What's going on?"
Nothing…just your average sexually deprived heroine unloading her power reserve so she could satisfy a lust-filled monster residing in the core of her being, Raven thought bitterly. But instead of reciting that embarrassing explanation she just shrugged and looked away, avoiding Robin's accusatory stare.
"Burning residue," she said, trying to steady her heavy breathing so she sounded like her normal collected self. "I picked up a surplus of negative energy out on the field today, so I'm purging. So to speak."
"Supernatural bulimia?" Robin grimaced. Raven found it in herself to roll her eyes.
"Well, when you put it like that-,"
"It doesn't sound very promising."
"It sounds disgusting."
"It's an accurate description though." He shrugged and leaned against the glass. "And one that has me worried." Raven reached behind her back and tugged on the zipper of her suit. Being under the scrutiny of Robin was never enjoyable, and she was sweating from nerves. Her suit was sticking uncomfortably to her sore shoulders. "I don't like being worried about my friends."
"I know. So don't be. I'm taking care of it."
"You should probably be doing a better job," Cyborg's voice interjected. "You're still pumping significant amounts of adrenaline, despite your apparent lack of energy, and your blood sugar count is low. Have you eaten at all today?"
"Maybe."
"Yeah, that's not a 'yes Cyborg'."
"I'll eat when I'm done here. Just…I need more time. Alone." She stared up at the viewing room, at Robin's rigid figure standing on the opposite side of the glass. He seemed completely unconvinced by her act of nonchalance, but she knew he had a bit more finesse in his methods than to openly call her on a bluff.
"Burning residue?" he repeated, one eyebrow cocking suspiciously. She didn't nod, didn't say a word, didn't give him any sort of apparent answer. She just stared at him from her place in the corner of the room, one hand still tugging at her collar. "All right. I believe you," Robin finally said, throwing up one hand in surrender. "We were just stopping by to make sure you were okay. Sorry to have interrupted your purging session."
"Hey, you better eat something," Cyborg scolded, sounding very much like an agitated uncle. "And soon."
"Okay."
"I'm headed out," Robin told her, rapping his knuckles against the glass. "I'll be at the prison, so I'll be gone for a few hours. See you when I get back?"
Raven sighed. That was Robin code for 'I'm giving you time to look better than you do now, otherwise I'm going to do something about it'. She just shrugged her shoulders lazily and nodded. "Okay."
"Eat something!"
"I heard you the first time, Cyborg."
"Eat something!"
"Okay."
"Rae. Eat something."
"Please stop talking."
"See you later Raven," Robin reiterated, waving a hand and disappearing from the viewing window. Raven waited a few moments before closing her eyes and using the very last ounces of her energy to mentally reach through the walls and listen to the parting words of her teammates.
"None of that was reassuring," Robin said to Cyborg, closing the viewing room door behind him.
"I didn't see anything extremely out of the ordinary on her scans, but there's still so much about Raven's physiology that I don't understand. She's like BB and Star, but instead of having unstable molecules or an alien anatomy, Raven is part demon. Science can only tell me so much." Cyborg didn't sound accusatory, just exasperated at his lack of understanding. "The most I got from my tech was that her stress levels are still extremely high."
"And that's never good. For any of us," Robin sighed. "I can't believe I didn't notice sooner."
"We're busy, Rob. I don't think any of us really notice when the others are having a hard time, and even then none of us really like to show it."
"Still."
"Yeah. Still."
Their voices started to fade as they walked away from the failsafe room, so Raven pulled herself back into her own mind, completely and utterly spent. She pushed her sweat-drenched hair from her face and breathed deeply through her nose, ignoring the stabbing pain at the base of her skull. Instead she closed her eyes and tried to calm her heartbeat before she left the room. Just a little meditation. Not a lot. Not enough to offer a window to unsatisfied detainees, but a little.
Raven sighed to herself.
So the team was starting to notice. First it had been Starfire the night before, and now Robin and Cyborg would be paying much closer attention to her, putting their deductive skills together to figure out what was wrong; and that was just a formula for disaster.
No. No.
She wouldn't let them find out. She'd fix it before they could find out, fix it before they even started to really think about it. She wasn't a particular fan of the plan she had formed, but pride and dignity were small things compared to continuous waves of pain and the possibility of hurting the people around her.
Moments ticked by. Time was irrelevant as she sat there in her peaceful trance, trying to focus her mind amidst all the throbbing pain and pulsing agony.
Nearly an hour later Raven opened her eyes and forced herself to stand up, muscles already boasting their oncoming soreness. She grabbed her cloak and headed for the door, walking slowly and concentrating very hard on each step she took. She needed a long shower to relax her body, freshly laundered clothes to replace her grimy uniform, and something small but satisfying to put in her stomach.
And then, after all of that, she needed to find Beast Boy.
And she needed to go forward with the plan that she was less than enthusiastic to initiate.
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Beast Boy had locked himself in his room after leaving the conference room. The minute he had closed the door he had stripped himself of his suit and dropped down at his desk, sporting nothing but his undergarments. He knew he should have gone straight to the bathroom, washed up, attended the scrapes and scratches on his body, and started icing the killing ache in his shoulders, but he felt like being irresponsible first. So instead he flipped on his computer, pulled out a few file folders and spent the next hour passing between wasting time and doing actual work.
He forced his mind not to wonder, forced himself to concentrate on the things he needed to do. He ignored the nagging feelings of anger and rejection that were lingering in his chest and focused his attention on the pixels of his monitor and the ink on his papers.
But at one point, despite his commendable concentration, he had stood up abruptly from his desk, strode to his window, thrown back the drapes, pushed open the glass and jumped nimbly into the open air. He swiftly transformed into an albatross and flew out over the open bay, gliding pointlessly around the Tower. He flapped his wings, dove towards the water, climbed up as close to the clouds as he could go and soared along the breezy winds of the city harbor.
But no matter what he did or how dedicated he was to his distractions, he couldn't shake Raven from his head. Her image seemed to forever hover on the rim of his vision, and a small part of his mind kept wondering what she was doing, what she was thinking, what she was feeling, what she was planning.
Beast Boy braced himself and fell into a plummet, his wings tucked close to his body as he sliced headfirst into the chilly waters. As the lapping waves closed over his feet he opened gills in his neck, changed his wings into fins and shot through the water as a tiger shark, diving down to the sandy floor of the harbor. He stayed there for quite some time, sulking near the shallows that surrounded the Titan island, watching as the sun moved across the sky in a slow and agonizing arc.
Raven. Raven. Raven.
With narrowed eyes and a heart that was growing heavy with resentment, Beast Boy jetted for the surface, break through the water and transforming back into himself. He trudged up one of the beaches of the island and made his lazy way to one of the countless doors that led into the Tower, a frown marring his usually carefree features.
Raven. Raven. Raven.
Oh, how he couldn't get her out of his mind.
And oh, how he was slowly coming to find that with her name came a thickening shroud of hate.
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She had no idea that she was in the process of copying Beast Boy's actions from the night before. If she had known she would have stopped herself from hovering just outside his bedroom door, for she wasn't a fan of irony. Yet there she was, standing in the hallway, dressed down in loose black sweats and a blue hoodie because she couldn't seem to get warm enough. She had tied her hair back after her shower, but her fingers had been so weak that wayward strands still dangled around her face. She felt tired and feeble and, despite her meal of sautéed vegetables and lime rice, her body still seemed empty of any sort of substance.
Raven sighed. She wanted to sleep, but she knew nightmares awaited her.
Unless she had Beast Boy…
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After his return to the Tower Beast Boy had hopped into one of the locker room showers, finished, gotten dressed, gotten undressed, taken another shower, finished again, and gotten dressed for a second time. He had wasted hot water and time, none of it had made sense, and yet he had proceeded with his pointless actions. When he had left the locker room he had run into Starfire, and although she had insisted on them getting pizza together he had declined. He only had an apple in his system but he couldn't find room for anything else. His umbrage filled the empty space.
He meandered his way back to his room, all the while fighting the urge to leap out another window and exercising his anxiety as an animal once more. He was so preoccupied by desire to transform that he didn't see Raven waiting outside of his room, not until he was a few scant steps from his door and she had called out his name.
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"Gar."
He stopped as if he had hit a wall, his wandering eyes focusing on her as if he wasn't sure what he was looking at. She had been sitting on the floor of the hallway, leaning against the wall opposite of his bedroom door. She got up slowly, breathing deeply as she did so. Ideally she wanted to go into his room, curl up on his soft bed and have this difficult discussion with her head resting against a pillow, but she knew that things wouldn't go so easily.
He watched her silently get to her feet, staring at her as if she were the most hideously astonishing thing he had ever seen in his entire life. His body seemed to freeze completely mid-step, and she didn't like the way the muscles in his jaw tensed and tightened.
"Garfield," she said again, but he cut her off abruptly.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, frowning. He looked up and down the hallway and then at his closed bedroom door. When he turned back to Raven he looked genuinely confused. And a little pissed off. "This is my room."
She blinked at him and feigned a mask of nothingness. "Yes, I know."
He narrowed his eyes. "Why are you outside my room?"
"Because I was waiting for you." She watched as he just stared at her. "I needed to see you." His hands turned to fists at his sides.
"Why?"
"To talk."
"Why?"
"Because we haven't. Yet. And we need to." His fists clenched tighter.
"Why?" he asked again. Her brow furrowed slightly.
"You…you know why."
"No, actually. I don't."
"Yes you do."
"No. I don't."
Raven started to open her mouth to speak again but found that her words died on her tongue. She frowned and stared at him, questioningly. "Gar, I don't understand-,"
"Rae," he interrupted, gesturing to her in an accusatory way. "Rae, you left. You left me. You left me this morning in your room, you left me this afternoon in the park…." His words were slow, enunciated in a sharp, curt fashion. "You just kept leaving without saying much of anything, so what in the world would you have to say now? You've made it pretty damn obvious that you have no words for me, so what could we possibly have to talk about now?"
"I'm sorry-," she started to say, but he threw his hands up in the air, cutting her off.
"No way, too easy," he snapped. "It doesn't get to work like that for you anymore. An apology won't cut it this time, not even a real one, if that even exists in your vocabulary." She internally grimaced at his anger, but she said nothing. "You always apologize, offer some half-assed explanation and then shove me away, and I'm getting fucking sick and tired of it. I'm not some mini digital pet thing that you can put to sleep when you get annoyed and then wake up when you're ready to play. I'm still awake when you turn your back on me, and I'm still awake when you're gone. Do you know what that's like, Raven? Having people just leave you behind? Okay sure, you do, but you don't know what it's like from my perspective.
"Did you ever think that I'm not as strong as you, or Robin, or any of our other friends? If you haven't noticed, Rae, I'm fucking pathetic. I can't handle rejection. I can't handle being pushed back and made to stand in one place while everyone else moves on. And yeah, I got over Terra doing it to me and I got over the Doom Patrol doing it to me, but you're different. You know me, you know I'm pathetic. We've talked about how pathetic I am. You've felt how insignificant I feel about myself. And yet you still walked away! You know how I…and I told you, yet you still… Oh, wait, you came back. I mean, here you are. You're back. Congratulations, you came back! You always come back. You always…ugh you come back and…but…when you finally do come back…fuck, when you come back I remember that you left and it's actually not the best feeling in the world to know that I'm only needed every so often!"
He was tripping over his words and stumbling on his outburst, but the frustration was painfully apparent in his rising tone. Raven just stood there, listening to him vent while obediently feeling guilty with every garbled accusation he threw at her. "I just can't…I don't understand—well, no one ever understands—but it's not the same as before, when you kept secrets from the team and from me. Because last night…last night was…that was something kind of really big, you know…and I get it, I really do. Last night was weird and it was strange and it was definitely not what either of us was expecting, but it happened, right? It happened? It happened! And you can't do this to me again and pretend that it didn't because it did and I'm not going to let up on it, Rae, I'm not. What you did was bullshit because you're not just some girl to me and you have to know that. You're…it was…shit, it's so much more than any other night and treating it like this sucks. And you know what's twisted? I tried to be okay with it! All day I've been brainwashing myself to being okay with how cavalier it all ended up being, but here you are, once again taking whatever effort I put into preserving my sanity and crushing it in a matter of seconds." He was breathing heavily when he finished, his nerves obviously frazzled from his lengthy speech. Raven remained rooted in the hall, quietly listening. "So what now?" he tossed at her, stepping back a few paces and throwing his hands in the air. "How are we doing this now, Raven? You call the shots, right? You give me a few monotone sentences on the field, avoid me all day, and yet randomly appear outside my door suddenly in the mood to talk? All right! It doesn't make any sense whatsoever, but let's do this. So what is it, huh? After every brutal moment that you've put me through, what could you possibly have to say to me now?"
He sounded angry, but Beast Boy's features had always been like an open book. And no matter how exasperated and condescending his words became he looked nothing but absolutely desperate. Desperate for some sort of understanding. Desperate for a reason that didn't add to the mountain of insecurities he had always carried about himself. Desperate for a justification of anything.
Beast Boy did not often look so brazenly desperate.
"Garfield," Raven said again, her eyes on his feet rather than his face. She pulled in a calming, preparatory breath.
"What?" he barked. "Are you going to try and apologize again?"
She shook her head. "No."
"Then what is it that you want to tell me?"
"The truth."
The terse laugh he gave was, if she were being honest, well-deserved. "That's rich. Fine, then what's 'the truth'?" He crossed his arms over his chest and although Raven hated how closed off he was she forced herself to open up. And stay open.
"The truth is…you do something to me that I can't seem to control." She spoke the words slowly, making sure every word reached his ears. Beast Boy didn't immediately react to what she was saying, but his quick intake of breath was enough to let her know he was definitely listening. "When I'm with you, you spark something inside of me that's dangerous and powerful. You make me nervous. You make me self-conscious. You make me feel things I've never felt before. I used to ignore it and pretend it was just a phase. Now I'm admitting that it's too strong to be a phase. And too important." She raised her eyes to meet his and took a miniscule amount of satisfaction at his wide-eyed wonderment. The stiffness in his jaw had relaxed and his crossed arms had gone slack.
"Huh," he grunted.
"Last night was not something I had ever planned on acting upon," Raven went on. "For years I had resigned myself to never knowing another physical body intimately for fear of what that intensity would do to my already unstable state. I denied myself something that should have come naturally, and that denial gathered deep in my soul, solidified, and grew. It created a darkness that seems to rival even that of my father's influence, and I suppose it is because it is a darkness that is mine and mine alone. And over the years I have felt it growing, and my fear of it just strengthened my decision that I would never experience the carnal nature of my human side. I promised myself that such a thing would never happen, but I hadn't planned on meeting the Titans. I hadn't planned on you being one of them, I hadn't planned on the last eight years of my life, and I hadn't planned on what those eight years would make me feel for you." She saw him swallow hard. She breathed deeply and felt the air flutter in her chest. "Despite how many times I deny it you know that I do care for you a great deal, greater than I let on, and this thing inside of me has latched onto that and manipulated it into something that goes beyond my control. What I feel for you is foreign and potent and too wild for me to firmly grasp, and when you mix it with the sadistic nature of this darkness then the results could be nothing less than catastrophic.
"Last night…. You saw what being with you was like last night; you saw the amount of destruction I can cause when I'm empty. I couldn't risk unleashing that sort of unruly behavior, not when I had regained the full use of my powers this morning, so I had to get away from you as soon as I could." She placed a hand on the wall behind her, sighing wearily. This was the longest she had ever spoken with another person, and she found the task in itself very draining. "When we were working, when we were concerned with the girl and with Adonis, it was easier. I was focused on doing my duty and protecting the girl, but you were still you, and it was still hard to be near you. It ignited the darkness again, and it made me realize that separating myself from you couldn't be an option. When I'm near you I'm destructive to everything around me, but when I'm away from you I become destructive to myself. This thing cries out for you, claws at me until I listen to it, shrieks your name until I give in and find you again. And every second that I fight against it I feel myself breaking inside and it hurts. So the only logical solution is to go to you. But I can't go to you unless I'm empty, lest my already unstable psyche explodes in your presence and I sink half this island in the process."
"I…" he started to say, but his words were stillborn. "I didn't-,"
"No, you didn't know," she finished for him. "But I'm not blaming you. You were right, I didn't say anything. This morning I panicked. I was afraid of what would happen when you finally did wake up, so I acted hastily. My powers had returned, and if you actually looked at me…." She trailed off. "So I did to myself what I did the other day: I made myself empty. I spent the last three hours throwing a supernatural tantrum on the physical plane and the last forty-five minutes throwing a psychological tantrum on the astral plane. I've been battling with this thing inside me the entire time, and the results have left me weak." She looked down at her left hand, at her uncontrollably shaking fingers. "I feel like crumbling," she whispered. "But from the moment you got here, from the first second that I laid eyes on you, the crying and the clawing and the shrieking has finally stopped. I'm more nervous than I have been all day; my hand is trembling right now, and I feel like my heart is going to beat so hard that it will bleed…but being near you is far more calming than anything else I have done today, so I guess all the little things are ignorable in comparison."
She forced herself to look him in the eye, to see his face as he took in every deadpan word of her explanation. His eyes were slightly wide and his mouth was slightly open. She really couldn't blame him for his reaction.
"You have every reason to be angry with me. I dealt with things the only way I know how, but that doesn't mean they were done right." She subtly leaned her shoulder against the wall. Her legs were giving out and she wanted to sit down again. "I came here to ask you for something…big…but I understand now that I have no right to ask you for anything, and you have every right to deny me everything." She was getting light-headed. Food had done little for her feeble state. "But no matter how much you hate me I'm begging you as a friend, or even as just an annoying teammate, don't send me away." She suddenly thought of the seizing pain that would plague her muscles, the throbbing metronome that would chip away at her sanity. She thought of the torturous ways Depravity would scrape at her skull, as if she were physically in her head and her fingernails were digging through flesh and bone. Unprecedented tears filled Raven's eyes and embarrassment flushed her cheeks red as she tried to hide the choking sob building in her throat. But Beast Boy still noticed, and his expression grew even more horrified. "You don't have to forgive me, you don't even have to acknowledge me. But just…let me stay by our side. Please." She quelled her oncoming breakdown, but the effect had already been felt. Beast Boy's previous anger seemed to have evaporated completely, and the way he stared at her now was the same way he had looked at her across the elevator when she had closed the doors in his face, or when he had tended to her wounds in the infirmary, or when they had spoken so easily in the doorway of her bedroom. It was a look she still didn't fully understand, but one that she knew was reserved for her and her alone.
"This isn't fair, Rae," he said quietly, although any cynicism that he could have used was absent from his words. He sounded put off. Peeved. Maybe a bit unhappy. But not angry. Not hostile. "You can't just tell me the truth…give me what I want…and expect me to just…." A ghost of a smile passed over his face. "Man. And I had prepared for this huge argument, too." He passed a hand over his eyes. "You always seem to go for the low blows, don't you?"
"I'm sorry, Beast Boy," she huffed. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah." He shrugged. "Whatever." He looked at her with earnest, and she took half a step towards him. He didn't move away. But he didn't move closer either.
"You have no obligation to say yes to me," she said. "But…just don't say no."
He exhaled slowly, frowning at her. There was no trace of pity in his eyes, but there was an alarming amount of worry. She wanted to pry into his head, to find out what he was thinking, how he was taking her confession, but if she tried to reach out for another psyche in the state she was in then she would have surely blacked out in the hall.
"Garfield, please," she suddenly begged, feeling humiliated even as she reached out for him. "Tell me it's okay. Tell me I can stay near you. Tonight. Right now."
, Depravity heaved, squeezing at Raven's heart. She winced, and Beast Boy finally reached out and took hold of her hand.
"Okay," he managed to say, nodding his head, his fingers just barely grazing over her skin. "Okay. You can stay."
.
.
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