Breaker Chapter 11, a teen titans fanfic

Chapter 11

He was still a bit pissed, if he was being perfectly honest. In the past few days alone Raven had played a brutal game of kickball with his emotions, (and hormones), and the frustrations that had built up over that time were hard to get rid of, let alone doing so in a matter of minutes. He was a hero, yes, but there were some impossibilities that heroes simply could not conquer; acting like a normal young man was one of them.

But just because he was still a bit pissed shouldn't have suggested that he didn't understand. Because he did.

He really and actually did understand where Raven was coming from.

And he really and actually did understand everything that was happening to her.

Which was why, when she had begged him in her stubborn, monotone voice and unacknowledged tears in her eyes, Beast Boy had had no other response but to agree. Yet it had also been the stubborn and monotonous way she had begged that still had him a bit pissed.

Because Raven never begged. Ever. So having her do so right before his eyes was unnerving, and a bit irritating.

Because, to Beast Boy, Raven begging meant two things:

One, she was too weak to be strong.

And two, she was too weak to be strong enough and fight the darkness that was plaguing her.

Which, in turn, made Beast Boy feel two things of his own:

One, concern over a girl he cared for as a friend and worried over as something more.

And two, pressure over the simple fact that someone as powerful and self-aware as Raven was now looking to him for help.

It all left an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach, and when Raven walked past him into his room and asked if he could close the door for privacy, the feeling just got all the more heavier.

And hotter.

Just because she had begged shouldn't have suggested that she was okay with it.

Because she wasn't.

Begging was pathetic, as far as Raven was concerned, and being pathetic would be debasing to someone of her self-respect.

But self-respect held little significance when all Raven wanted to do was lay her head down on a pillow and sleep a night without splitting in half; metaphorically, psychologically, and physically. Standing in the hallway, with her muscles aching and her mind a muddled mess of pain, Raven had felt little qualms about swallowing her pride and asking—and then begging—for Beast Boy to let her remain by his side.

It was her only means of reprieve, and she had never claimed to love suffering.

It wasn't until she had passed the threshold of his room and unabashedly crawled onto the lower half of his bunk beds that she felt the smallest inkling of disgust at her pitiful means of relief.

Begging?

It was just sad, no matter the circumstances.

But, in the state she was in, it was a necessary means of survival.

She just hoped that Garfield, as her comrade and as her friend, could understand that.

Because the way he was looking at her from the closed doorway made it seem as if he didn't.

Not quite, at least.

It was awkward having Raven in his room. He felt out of place in his own environment, especially knowing that the door was closed and their privacy made the place seem small in comparison. It was nothing like the night before had been, when passion and hunger had clouded over the fact that he had been in Raven's domain in the dead of night with the steel door shut and his hands on her body. This time there was no cloudy sheen of sexual tension to mitigate the awkwardness, and so the two were left with the very real happenstance of being together and being fully aware of it.

So, in an attempt to alleviate the thickening silence growing in the room, Beast Boy had asked her if she was thirsty.

And she had said no.

So he asked her if she was hungry.

And she had said yes.

So he offered to get her something to eat.

To which she replied no.

So then he sat down at his desk chair and asked her if she needed an extra blanket, a jacket, a book, anything.

And her answer was, once again, no.

During this time she had laid herself down on the bottom bunk and had curled into a fetal position, her back pressed against the wall and her face looking over at him from the fluffy depths of his pillow. It could have possibly been a very endearing sight to Beast Boy, but the occasional shiver in her shoulders and the alarming way her eyes looked sunken in made it just seem discouraging.

And worrisome.

So, in the spirit of bluntness, he asked her a simple but direct question that would hopefully shed more light on their current situation and arrangement.

All he asked, with a look of earnest on his face and the heaviness growing rapidly in his stomach, was: "What am I supposed to do now?"

"I don't know," she semi-lied. "This is…complicated. It's not like I have a rulebook." She winced and Beast Boy fidgeted in his chair.

"Pain?"

"Yes."

"Still?"

"Still."

He scooted to the edge of his seat, seemingly caught between rushing to her side and keeping his distance. "I thought…you said this was helping."

"It is. Was. I don't know anymore."

"Tell me."

She rolled onto her back, her knees lolling to one side, her back twisting as she stared up into the bottom of the top bunk. She touched a hand to her chest. It felt like there was a burning in her lungs. "Like I said, I felt better when you showed up. But that's it. I felt better and then I just stayed that way. I thought the pain would continue to decrease. It's at a standstill."

"But you are better."

"If you break your arm and then put it in a sling then you're better than you were before. But you're still broken."

"That was incredibly morbid."

"Sorry." She closed her eyes and rubbed her chest. "I couldn't think of a better analogy."

"So you're broken." His voice was low, clearly unhappy with the rattling breaths she was taking.

"Not yet." She winced at a bruise that had formed on her sternum. "In the process of." Her head swam even though she was lying down.

"Breaking," he concluded. "That's what you said in the hallway."

"Yeah." She said the word with a weary breath. Air leaving her lungs in an exhausted manner.

"You also said something else."

"I said a lot."

"You said you came here to ask me something. Something big."

She turned to look at him. Saw him sitting on the edge of his seat, his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped together. "I did say that, didn't I?" Her cheeks flushed in anticipated embarrassment.

"What was it that you wanted to ask me?"

It was hard to say, despite everything that had already been said. Her tongue was still dry from the things she had told him, and the question that still lingered at the back of her throat was too humiliating to come forward. "It's hard to put into words."

"Try."

She continued to stare above her, wishing she couldn't feel his eyes on her skin but knowing that she was too aware of him to not notice. "I called this thing a darkness," she started. "But I never really described it to you." She swallowed against her dry throat but Beast Boy was already adjusting in his seat, blowing out a breath as he leaned back.

"Depravity. That's what she called herself," he said. Raven turned her head to look at him sharply, and his eyes bore into her own. She didn't have to say a word to get him to explain. "I met her before." And he went on to tell about the fateful day when he had found her during a transfer, had involuntarily discussed what a transfer was with Raven's happy emotion, and then how he had been forcibly introduced to the culmination of her most basic and unsavory emotions. Raven listened to him silently, the only signs of her surprise apparent in her unblinking stare and the rigid hand that still hovered over her chest.

"You lied to me," she said plainly when he had finished. "When I asked you later on that day. You lied to me."

"Yeah. But I'm not going to apologize for it." He shrugged. "I think that kind of makes us even."

His humor. It was always the timing of his jokes that made them completely unfunny. But she couldn't argue his logic. He had lied about meeting Depravity. She had treated him like an unfeeling human being for days. It evened out.

"I should feel a bit violated," she admitted, still staring at him. "But honestly, this kind of makes things easier."

"How so?"

"She—Depravity—told you what she was. What she was made from."

"Yeah."

She turned away. Stared back at the bottom of the top bunk. "So you know how she works. The kind of things that she wants, yes?"

Beast Boy coughed into his fist and grunted. "I could guess."

Raven sighed. Her body responded to her heated thoughts and prompts from her sadistic inner demon. Depravity's shrieks might have been silenced, but the emotion was still present at the forefront of Raven's brain, her presence and insatiable desires a nuisance to Raven. "Garfield, I came to ask you for something," she made herself say. "The only thing that will satisfy her."

"What?"

She didn't want to say it. He should just know.

Quiet filled the room.

"You already know what she is," Raven said, almost angrily. Almost. "So what would be the only thing she could want?" When he didn't say anything she glanced over at his chair and found him wide-eyed.

He understood exactly what she wanted from him.

He hadn't expected Raven to come looking for sex.

And he hadn't expected Raven to come looking for sex from him.

Yet here she was, saying it without saying it at all. He saw her cheeks turn red. He knew his were red too.

He could work with an act of impulse. But a premeditated decision?

That made this completely different.

And totally, completely, inescapably, irreversibly, unabashedly, and undeniably awkward.

They laid next to each other in the dark; Raven near the wall and Beast Boy near the edge. They both stared at the bunk above them, their bodies supine without touching. Beast Boy's arms were folded over his torso. Raven's hands still lay gently on the bruise on her chest.

They didn't say anything for a long time.

Which was frustrating in itself, seeing as it had taken even longer to get into the position they were currently in.

After Beast Boy had figured out what Raven was asking of him there had been a lot of blushing and a lot of stuttering words in an attempt to 'play it cool'. There had been several minutes of avoiding eye contact while they talked about what she intended, and it had ended when Raven's chest had seized up mid-sentence and she sputtered on her words, coughing violently into her arm.

The momentary act of suffering quieted Beast Boy immediately, and within moments they had come to their current position of lying together in the dark, bodies fully aware of each other yet refusing to touch.

Because, to be honest, how did one even go about something this convoluted?

Next to him Raven moved the slightest bit, her left hand leaving her chest and laying itself on his thigh. When her fingertips touched the soft cotton of his sweats she stiffened, her hand pulling back quickly. But she drew in a deep, calming breath and made herself press her palm into his thigh.

In one swift movement Beast Boy was sitting up, swinging his legs down over the side of the bed and sitting on the edge. He leaned his elbows heavily on his knees and buried his head in his hands, groaning audibly into his lap.

"This isn't right," he said, and Raven sat up as well. "I don't want to do it like this."

"Like how?"

"Like it's forced."

He didn't think he'd even be able to get into the sexual mindset of things, given the odd circumstances and the day that had preceded everything, but after being persuaded to come to the bed, and then lying next to her in the dark, Beast Boy's testosterone overpowered his mind and he could feel himself tingle with the anticipation of being able to touch her skin again.

Because even though he had practically hated on her all day, and he couldn't stand how weak she had become in only a matter of hours, Beast Boy was still absolutely crazy about her, and desperately attracted. And as shallow as it was to admit, he was ready to jump at the chance of lying with her again.

But the way she had flinched when she tried to touch him…

She didn't want it. Depravity wanted it. Not Raven.

And it made all the difference.

He rubbed aggressively at his hair and over his face, groaning into the palms of his hands. "I know you're in pain Rae, and really that's enough for me to do anything for you…but this? I can't do this if it's only for her."

Raven scooted closer to him, but she made sure they didn't touch. "Gar, I'm the one that asked for this. If you don't want to then-,"

"You know it's not that," he said. "You know exactly how much I want to do this."

Raven went silent. She dropped her head, feeling something constrict tightly in her chest and her lower abdomen. Her face grew warm and her heart started to pound even harder than before. Her skin nearly cracked with electricity.

"It can't just be her," Beast Boy went on, slumping over so profoundly that his forehead almost touched his knees. "I don't want you cringing while this happens. I don't want you to hate it." He took a breath as if he was going to say something more, but he stopped himself short. But Raven knew him well enough to fill in the silence with the words that he didn't want to utter.

I don't want you to hate me.

She started to touch his shoulder but then stopped herself, choosing instead to twist her fingers into the hem of his shirt, tugging at the fabric, holding on with determined fingers.

"You're right," she said quietly. "I don't really want it. Not right now. It's too planned and this is too uncomfortable. But I need it." She heard him groan again and she tugged harder on his shirt. "So maybe…maybe you can convince me." He lifted his head, twisting around slowly to face her. Their eyes had finally adjusted to the darkness and she could see his face, questioningly curious. She swallowed hard and breathed deeply. "You're the only one I'd do this with," she whispered. "So you'd be the only one who could persuade me."

He didn't move. Didn't say anything. His breath quickened but the rest of his body remained motionless. Raven let go of his shirt and unzipped her jacket. When he still did nothing she leaned in closer to him, coaxing their faces together. He remained stubbornly still, and her chest pressed into his shoulder as she tilted her face to his, tentatively but firmly touching their lips together. She kissed him once, barely lingering before she pulled away again. Her body temperature spiked and her blood began to boil. She leaned in again, moving her lips against his, her mind recalling how they had devoured each other the night before and then trying to mimic the same motions. He didn't respond right away, but eventually his mouth began to reciprocate, and he shifted on the bed so she could bring her body closer. His hands remained willfully immobile.

Raven moved to fit her curves against him, and she brought up a hand to cradle his cheek. She wasn't convinced yet, but this was a start. Because this felt good. This felt okay.

His lips began to part for her, and soon he opened up completely, their breath mixing as she tasted him thoroughly. Her hand dropped from his cheek and she pulled on the neck of his shirt. He abided her silent request and leaned more persistently into her, pressing her down towards the bed. He loomed over her, kissed her slowly but passionately as her hair splayed across his pillow. Her toes curled and her body wriggled the slightest bit, but she still wasn't convinced. Not completely. Not yet. Not quite.

She tried wrapping her arms around his neck, thinking of the couples she had seen in movies and on television and wondering if she should copy the things they did. She wanted to rub her legs against his, but he was still at the edge of the bed, his arms on either side of her body to keep him from lying on top of her. She pulled on his neck even more but he had stopped leaning into her. She broke their contact and looked into his eyes.

"Touch me," she said. She didn't say please, but she said it lightly, making sure she gave him the silent option to do the opposite and pull away. But he just gave her half a nod before he slowly slipped one hand beneath her lower back and the other at the nape of her neck. He started to kiss her again, and although it was just as steady and gentle as it was before, the addition of his hands made a significant difference. She arched up into him and his palm rubbed against her shirt. Her tongue flicked against his and his fingertips combed through her hair. The heat that had been gradually coursing through her skin began to escalate even faster. She could feel his heartbeat begin to match her own.

His lips started to deviate from hers, and he began planting his blazing kisses along her jawline and down to her neck. She tilted her head to the side automatically, allowing him to find the tender skin at the base of her throat.

"Is this working?" he asked, his voice rumbling against her collarbone. She kept her eyes closed, running her own hands along his arms.

"Yes."

"Are you convinced?"

Almost.

"Not yet."

He continued to kiss her, tracing a path all along her neck. He tugged softly at her shirt and exposed her shoulder, placing a kiss on the unexplored skin. It sent a definite spark between her legs, and an irrefutable yet very familiar crack in her psyche.

Depravity screamed. She thrashed and cried out inside of her. She seethed with anticipation.

It was working.

Almost.

He had been reluctant to 'convince' her, because if she didn't want it in the first place then he wasn't in any mood to coax that sort of thing from her. But when she had leaned in, when she had kissed him, it had been so miserably sweet that he found his resolve to be feeble and weak and easily crumbled. And, within no time, he was doing exactly what she wanted: convincing her.

He just didn't think it would end up in an argument.

Because now they weren't kissing, they were yelling.

All it had taken was a burst of impatience from Depravity that had caused a cry to come from Raven, and for her to abandon their steady pace. A slow but searing heat had been building firmly between them, but it apparently wasn't enough. She had grabbed his hand, forced it down between her legs, and demanded that he take her. But there had been tears brimming in her eyes, she had said it in a choked voice, and Beast Boy couldn't do it if it was like this.

He had pulled away and she had wondered why he stopped. He stood from the bed, and she tried to pull him back. He said that he couldn't do it; he couldn't look at her if she looked like she was in agony the entire time. She cried out that she was in agony because they weren't doing anything at all. He had said that she knew that that wasn't what he meant. She had said that he was personalizing her uncertainties, and that his insecurities were getting the better of him again. He said that it wasn't his fault if he wanted a willing partner, that it was the nature of normal people and that he was sorry if being normal wasn't working out for their current situation. She had said that she was willing enough. He had said that 'willing enough' wasn't enough to do anything. She said that they were running around in circles. He said that they were running around in circles.

She had winced mid-scream and wrapped her arms around her stomach.

He had practically pulled his hair out as he paced his room.

"I thought we were done with 'this endless back and forth', or however you put it last night," she forced out, her head leaning against the wall as she held her stomach. "And yet here you are, getting hot and cold with me. I thought it was my job to be the bipolar one."

"I'm not toying with you, Rae, and you know that. This is in a completely different category."

"How so?"

"Because it's not like you're asking me for something that's simple! I'm not watching your back during a battle. This is complicated. This requires mushy, human things like feelings and emotions and consequences!"

"I know that! I am horrendously aware of how well feelings and emotions and consequences play into this scenario."

"Then you should understand-,"

"No, I don't!" She pushed herself off the wall and forced herself to her feet, staring icily at his pacing form. "You were with me last night. You know that I want you. I may not be at the peak of that wanting right now, but it's not like I'm turned off at the thought of lying with you. Why are you getting caught up in the sentiments of this?"

He stopped pacing. He looked at her. "Raven, what happens after tonight?" he demanded, gesturing around the room, and the possibilities of the next day and the day after. "What happens when it's tomorrow and she's hungry again? Are you just going to deal with it, or are we going to be here again?"

Here again. She had already figured they would be. Satiate the hunger, end her suffering. That was as far as her plans went. Not her most successful, long-term solution, but momentary relief was outweighing any long-term options. "Here. Again," she answered.

"Here again," he repeated, dropping his arms. "So what happens tomorrow night? Are you going to want it then? What about the night after? Maybe in two weeks? Let's assume it'll be two weeks before you look me in the eye and it's you who wants to kiss me. What am I supposed to do for the fourteen days leading up to that? The fourteen days where you're just trying to satisfy a hunger rather than give in to a desire? You want me to spend those fourteen days staring into your face, knowing you don't want it yet giving it to you anyway? I'm supposed to be content with compliance?"

"If you haven't noticed, Gar, this isn't exactly the fairy tale situation," she retorted. She wasn't angry, she just couldn't help but yell, matching his tone. "So I'm sorry if every time won't be like a picturesque, movie moment. But I can't…I can't help it. To be fully willing every day? Would you be completely willing every day?"

"I'm not the one who needs it every day," he said darkly. She dropped her gaze. "I'm not looking for white curtains and rose petals, Rae. But it just feels wrong when it's not-,"

"Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first seventy-eight times," she snapped. His mouth set itself into a grim line. "We can argue about this all we want, but it's just going to come back to your decision: are you willing to do this with me or not?" He didn't answer, just stared. "I know what it sounds like, and I'm sorry but I can't change what this is. Don't think that I'm objectifying you, because I'm not."

"It's not about objectifying. Stop trying to psychoanalyze me, Raven! There's no hidden meaning to what I'm saying; I'm spelling it out in black and white!"

"And I'm telling you, for the millionth time-,"

"I know what you're telling me but I'm not going to switch my opinion in a matter of seconds, no matter how many times you yell at me!"

"Your decision is a bit time sensitive," she growled. "She doesn't like to be kept waiting, and for some reason this malice we're giving each other is getting her excited—,"

"Because she's a raving lunatic," Beast Boy mocked in a sing-song voice. He shrugged at Raven's glare. "No offense."

"That's uncalled for."

"When is it ever called for?"

"If you don't want to do this with me then just say so."

"You already know the answer to that. You're the one who's making me seem more like a convenience than a choice."

"You're being absolutely ridiculous right now."

"Oh, I'm the one being ridiculous? Just me, all by myself? News flash, it takes two people to argue."

"You're being ridiculous by arguing a point that will not change!"

"Rae, we're both being ridiculous because we're having an argument about having sex!"

Beast Boy blinked his eyes open, breaking through his heavy slumber to stare around his room. It was still early enough for it to be dark out. He yawned and turned his bleary gaze to the clock on his desk, squinting to see the time. Just a little after four in the morning.

Next to him Raven moved in her sleep, pressing herself closer into his side. Her tiny frame sought out his warmth and he let her, as he had done nearly the entire time they slept. Despite the blanket, despite her clothes, despite her zipped up hoodie and despite his arm around her, she was still so cold. Beast Boy breathed deeply and squeezed her shoulders, letting her bury her face into his neck. She started to wrap her leg around him but he carefully lifted his knee to block her, not wanting her to feel his hardened member through his sweats.

Not that she should have been surprised if she had noticed.

Their argument had lasted for nearly two hours, unnecessarily prolonged by both parties simply because it had gotten so awkward that neither could seem to comfortably back down. Eventually they had run out of things to say, and with their tempers flared it had been difficult to get to sleep. Ultimately Beast Boy had flicked off the lights and waited, watching Raven as she silently slipped under the covers of the bottom bunk. He saw her scoot close to the wall, leaving the blankets turned down and clearly making a space for him next to her. He just sighed and slid in next to her, too tired to say anything about anything anymore.

They had fallen asleep with their bodies strictly separate and their backs turned to one another. There wasn't much space for them to be so distant, but they managed. For a portion of the night, anyway.

It was about forty-five minutes later when Beast Boy had been nudged awake by a sleeping Raven as she tried to slip her way under his arm. He had obliged, laying on his back as she nuzzled close, her hips pressing against his thigh and her arm laying itself against his torso. She slipped her hand beneath his shirt, probably searching for warmth, and her cold fingers sent more than a few shivers across his skin. Beast Boy's head lolled back as he stifled a groan.

It was pure and utter agony. It was completely unfair, especially since he was still heated over their fight, but somehow Beast Boy had gotten to sleep without moving a single muscle.

But now he was wide awake at four in the morning with a definite hard-on and the girl of his reluctantly impassioned dreams clinging desperately to his side.

He closed his eyes and prayed for daylight.

Raven's dreams were less than enjoyable, utterly confusing, and not at all coherent. They were a mixture of nightmares and subconscious erotica, with little bouts of Depravity sprinkled in to make sure she never dropped too deep in sleep to garner any actual rest. At one point Depravity had even thrown REM out completely and overpowered Raven's slumbering mind to inflict a little bit of psychological pain with a good amount of wailing and some unnecessary blasts along Raven's mindscape.

One particular blast had been so realistic and so physically jarring that it shocked Raven awake. She shouted out loud and jerked violently, twisting to her right and flinging her arm out in a habitual attempt to block her attack. Her delicate wrist collided with the wall with a thundering boom, and she quickly cradled it against her chest, hissing in pain. Arms were around her in seconds, brushing the hair from her face as she lay on her back, wincing through her teeth. Beast Boy's voice filled her ears almost instantly, asking what was wrong and if she was okay. She nodded her head, her eyes still squeezed shut from the blaze of pain.

"God, Rae. What…is it broken?"

"No," she whispered, calming herself with deep breaths. His arms had left her shoulders to allow his fingers to gently inspect her wrist, pressing carefully to make sure her bones weren't broken. She twitched a little when he touched a bruise that was forming, but otherwise she was okay. "I'm fine. I just…it's fine." She pulled out of his grasp and covered her face with her hands, trying to rally her nerves. After a minute or two she let her arms fall away and hit the pillow, opening her eyes and staring up at Gar's waiting expression.

"What happened?" he asked. She shook her head.

"Bad dream. It was her. She's—she's angry. Frustrated." She looked away from him for a split second, her mind racing. Debating. Thinking. Grasping for a decision. Her hands were shaking and she curled her fingers into fists. "She can't stand to wait anymore," she said quietly. Angrily. "Gar. We need to do this. Now."

She held his gaze, implored him silently and desperately. He stared back at her, and she saw how disappointed he was with her weakness, and how worried he was for her blunt honesty. Without thinking she reached up and pushed at his face. It was a childish action, so uncommon to her usual personality, but she didn't know how else to make him stop looking at her in such a way. It wasn't hard and it didn't hurt, but it surprised him completely, and he glared at her, mouth agape, eyes wide.

"What the hell was that?"

"You're judging me."

"No I'm not."

"You are. I already know that this is pathetic, but we can't change the situation. You're making me beg."

"I don't want you to-,"

"But you're making me."

He started to pull away, started to sit back and away from her. "I can't do this for her, Raven. It has to be for you-,"

"And here we are, back to the same argument as before." She reached out and grasped his face between her hands, forcing him to remain looking at her. "I already know that lying to you at this point would be useless; you know me too well. But I'm also extremely desperate, and I'm running out of options. Not to mention that you've been thwarting my solution to this miserable problem the entire evening. You know I don't like it when people sabotage my plans." She pulled his face down to hers, forcing their lips together in a bruising kiss. She held him there and he let her, pulling away only when she released his head. As he sat up and gasped she swiftly unzipped her hoodie and pushed it off her shoulders before grabbing the hem of her shirt and lifting it over her head in one swift motion.

"What are you doing?" he demanded, looking almost horrified as she lifted her torso to free herself of her garment. She tossed it onto the floor and laid back down again, her determination concrete. Even in the darkness of the early morning she saw his gaze shift to her bra and then away again. "Raven, stop," he grumbled.

"No." She pushed her hoodie out of the way and reached for the band of her bottoms, lifting her hips so she could slip them down her legs. Beast Boy jumped up from the bed, looking away as she disposed of her clothes. "Sit back down," she demanded, sitting up as she slipped her bra straps from her shoulders. He started to walk away but she reached out and grabbed his arm, yanking him back down to the mattress. "We're doing this. Now."

"You've got to be kidding me," he whispered, and she couldn't tell if he was talking to her or to himself.

"Lie down."

He covered his face with one hand, shaking his head. "Fuck, Raven. Fuck."

She pushed him down onto the sheets and he let her, and when she tugged on the waistband of his own sweats he didn't fight it. "I know," she said lowly. "I know."

It was different the second time.

More so than just the circumstances.

Beast Boy had given up fighting it. There was only so much resistance any one man could give when a girl was hovering over him in all her naked glory; and since that girl happened to be Raven he was even less inclined to resist once the moment was upon them. He could tell that she was still so new to it all, and she hesitated just a bit. All the determination in the world could only take her so far, but it was clear that she had no idea what she was doing.

Human contact. Touching. Intimacy.

She was still so new to it all.

So he had silently taken the lead. An action that he knew heavily conflicted with his ethical standing.

Go figure.

But it was hard to fully enjoy their coupling, even if it was still sensually arousing. He fit with her just as perfectly as the night before, and he was just as fascinated with the action as he had been the first time, but it was still different.

"Don't look at me," she said to him between breathy gasps. She reached up and covered his eyes with her hands, her whimpering moans filling his ears. He tried to move his face away but she fought to shield his gaze.

"Rae-,"

"I can't stand the way you're looking at me," she moaned, and she bucked her hips against his when his pace started to slow. Her walls closed around his member and a grunt escaped his throat, his muscles clenching at the sensation.

It was such a contradiction between intention and deed, mind and body, emotion and action. His body was thoroughly enjoying everything. His thoughts were not.

He thrust into her continually, coaxing her breaths to hitch every time he slipped in. She whimpered as his rhythm quickened. He groaned when she exhaled and his name left her tongue. It was a few minutes later when her muscles tensed, her hips tilted upward, and her hands finally left his face to grip his shoulders. He didn't need to see her squeeze her eyes shut as she reached her climax, but he did anyway. One look at the way her lips parted and her face contorted in a grimace of relief was enough to bring him to his own release, and he crested moments after her, collapsing against her shoulder when he finished.

They lay that way for only a few seconds, taking whatever time they could to relish in the satisfaction of it all. Then he was rolling off of her, flipping onto his back with a satiated sigh. Raven's body quivered with the aftermath, and inside of her she could feel Depravity finally lay herself down to rest, exhausted with gratification.

They didn't say anything for awhile. They just laid there. The minutes ticked by. Morning began to slowly brighten the sky. Then Beast Boy turned his head towards her, and the question he asked was not something she had expected.

"Can I get you pregnant?"

She looked at him sharply, unconsciously reaching for the sheets to cover her body. She had wanted to avoid looking at his face afterwards, but the question had caught her so off guard that she needed to look at him, to confirm that he had actually asked.

"What?"

"Can I get you pregnant?" he repeated. He said it with such sincerity that it erased any possibility of naïveté. Her initial reaction was to throw up her guard and yell at him for being so crude, but in their current situation such a reaction would have been silly. It was a logical question that deserved a straightforward answer. It was just such a personal question that she hesitated at first.

"Um…no. No, you can't." When he continued to stare at her she looked away, clutching the sheets closer to her chest. "Half-breeds are more often times born barren." Her voice cracked a little and she clamped her lips shut. It was a subject she didn't like to venture towards; a conversation she had already had with Starfire three years prior, when her suspicions had been confirmed about her mixed breeding and there had been no one else she could run to. It had been a realization that had brought about a strange mix of emotions.

And, unbeknownst to Raven at the time, it had been a discovery that fueled Depravity's wanton desires. Exploits with no consequence; what could be more perfect?

"I asked because…well…" Beast Boy started to say, and Raven quickly shook her head.

"No, I get it. It makes sense."

"Just making sure. You know, with my adaptable DNA and all…I just…. I wasn't sure."

"Yes. I know." She turned on her side, away from him. "But it doesn't matter. There's nothing there for it to adapt to."

And then silence stretched out between them yet again.

She made sure he knew when she left. She nudged him awake when he hadn't even realized he'd fallen asleep again. There was a gentle squeeze at his shoulder, a whisper in his ear and a tug on his shirt before he forced his eyes to open.

"My powers are returning," Raven had said to him, sitting on the edge of the bed, her hood drawn over her hair. "In a few hours they'll be back in their full capacity."

"Then you have a few hours," he had said groggily, not truly realizing that he was reaching for her. "Lay down for a little longer."

"No," she said, albeit gently, and she placed his reaching hands back onto the sheets. "I can't risk slipping off into too deep a sleep." She started to rise, started to leave his side. He whined like a child, but she didn't come back. "I was just making sure you knew. Before you saw I was gone."

"Are you okay now?" he asked, his eyes already closing again. He was so tired.

"I am. Thank you." Fingertips touched his forehead before the sensation was gone. Beast Boy wanted to say more, to be a gentleman and see her out, to walk her to her room and talk with her and make sure she was really all right.

But he was just so tired, and he slipped off into sleep not a moment after he heard his door slide shut.

She stood in the shower, washing away the scent of Beast Boy with scalding, hot water. She closed her eyes and let the liquid pass over her face, slicking back her hair and running down her body.

Her thoughts raced.

"Are you just going to deal with it, or are we going to be here again?"

Here again.

Raven turned the nozzle of the shower. The water on her skin was like acid.

Here again.

Her second night with Beast Boy had been a massacre of emotions; a breeding ground for tempers and insecurities. Chaos. Turmoil. Burdening.

Here again.

She wondered if she would be able to do it all for another night.

"Morning Raven," Robin said, striding into the main room, clasping on his cape as he walked. Raven looked up from her breakfast at the kitchen counter and nodded, her hood drawn up over her face and her cloak wrapped around her bare legs for warmth.

"Good morning," she said stoically. She picked up her tea mug and took a quiet sip as her companion walked around the counter to face her, his arms crossed over his chest. She lowered her mug and met his gaze.

"Sorry I came back so late last night. I got caught up at the prison."

"Understandable."

He cocked an eyebrow. She returned her attention to her food. "Are you okay?" he asked, skepticism resonating from his words. She nodded.

"I am."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Are you lying to me?"

"I voluntarily did a bioscan with Cyborg thirty minutes ago. My body has completely regenerated all the damaged tissue from my last battle, my stress levels have decreased to just slightly above normal, and my breakfast was chosen to specifically replenish whatever nutrients he said I lacked." She fixed him with her most sincere stare. "Does that answer your questions more accurately?"

"Why did your stress only reduce to 'slightly above normal'?" Robin pressed. Raven's head tilted to the side, her expression having morphed from strictly business-like to genuinely tired of their conversation.

"Robin, we're superheroes. I would imagine you should be more worried if my stress levels were completely normal."

The Boy Wonder pondered that for a moment before finally agreeing. "Touché," he consented, unfolding his arms and turning towards the cupboards. He proceeded to make himself his own meal, turning on the coffeemaker and preparing to cook. "So here's the thing," he started again, and Raven quietly set her fork down. She placed her hands in her lap and stared at him from across the kitchen counter, her face a mixture of genuine attentiveness and obvious annoyance. "You and I usually have a mutual understanding of things. I've come to realize that, over the years, that's what our friendship has amounted to. We're usually on the same page." He placed a saucepan on the stove and turned to look at her. "Do you agree?"

He wasn't exactly being condescending, but it was a lie to say that he wasn't humoring the simplistic nature of his subject matter. It left Raven with little to do in response but to agree.

"Yes," she said. He nodded.

"Right." He strode to the fridge. "And, you know, I like it like that. I mean, you're much more open when it comes to Starfire and Cyborg, and you and Beast Boy have your own unique form of affection for each other." Raven stiffened at that. "But you and I have always seen eye to eye when it comes to being a Titan. When it comes to being a hero." He opened the refrigerator door and peered in at its contents. "I can't tell you how many times I've gotten into an argument with Starfire about humanity and fairness when it comes to doing what we do. And, you know, I really can't blame her. She's still innocent when it comes to doing what has to be done to fulfill the objective." He glanced over at her, his masked gaze sharp and intent. "Batman taught me that."

Raven could feel the change in his mood, could feel the mixture of stony resolve and affection that Robin held for his mentor and adoptive father. She wanted to shut her empathic radar off and wipe herself clean of his sentiments, but she couldn't risk her own emotions panicking at the cut off.

"Starfire isn't immune to the difficulties of tragedy," Raven said out loud. "She has had her fair share of misfortune."

"I didn't say she didn't."

"But Star's hardships have solidified her perspectives of mercy and kindness. Or would you rather she was colder in her decisions, like her sister."

"I'm not condemning Starfire for being who she is, and you know that. I'm just pointing out the differences between my dynamic with Star and my dynamic with you."

"And our dynamic is so harmonious because you're the stalwart vigilante who does whatever it takes to get the bad guy while I'm the monotonous sorceress who won't disagree with whatever extremities you take?" She hadn't intended on picking a fight with Robin, but she couldn't help it. She didn't like where the conversation had been going.

"Did you really just call me a vigilante?" he asked, unfazed by her tone. "That's kind of old school of you, don't you think?"

"You're being awful evasive with your point for someone who's so straightforward," she said lowly. Robin closed the fridge door and turned to face her. "What are you getting at?"

"Raven, you know what we are to each other. I may not be your father, I may not be your brother, and I may not be your boyfriend, but we have been unwaveringly loyal to one another for years. You've been in my head, a place I don't let anyone venture into. And I went to Hell to get you back. Literally. If you recall."

"I do. Recall."

He strode back over to her, leaned across the counter so that he was staring at her at close range. "We are heroes together, Raven. Never less than that. Out of all of the Titans here or across the world, you and I have always understood each other as heroes. I was always at the forefront, as the elected leader of this team. And you were always at the back, as our watcher, as our silent and unspoken protector. That is what we are, Raven. You and I. We are a team. For the greater good."

She remained silent, saying nothing since there wasn't much else to say. It was true. She and Robin had always shared a special relationship with one another. It was something that reached beyond simple love, one that encompassed absolute respect for one another as well as unrelenting trust. It didn't need to manifest itself in periodic talks like she did with Cyborg, or in quiet, quality time like with Starfire. It was just always there.

"Yes," she agreed, because he seemed to be waiting for a confirmation from her. "I agree completely." His eyes never left hers.

"So, with that understanding reestablished, I ask you this: whatever this is that you're going through, or dealing with, will it be okay? As probably the only other Titan here who is more concerned with the absolute safety of the others, is this thing you're dealing with dangerous? Because you've made it pretty obvious that this is your burden to bear, and while I hate that you're making this a solo prerogative I've realized that I have to choice but to leave it at that, for the time being." He leaned in further. "But I will say this, Raven. If whatever this is gets out of hand, and if it threatens the lives of you or any of the others, I will step in and I will take matters into my own hands." The coffeemaker behind Robin beeped once, signifying that it was finished. "So tell me, will it be okay?"

A broken psyche, an explosion of power, an inability to control herself.

Her ransacked room, the devastated infirmary, the mutilated obstacle course.

Her painful tantrums, her rioting emotions, her terrifying blackouts.

She had a plan now, she had a method of reprieve.

But what if it couldn't go on?

What if it backfired?

"It will be okay," she said evenly. Robin held her gaze for a moment before finally straightening his back and moving to pour himself a cup of coffee.

"All right then," he said. And he even smiled at her, probably for good measure. "Good to hear." When he turned away Raven sighed, releasing the fists she had been clenching the entire time.

It was difficult, she realized, lying to Robin.

She had always thought it was impossible.

But no, it was just difficult.