A/N: Sincere apologies for the wait. My world was turned upside-down for a while, which was the cause of delay. Also I wrote and completed this chapter three different ways before I was satisfied, haha.
Read and review please.
Holla.
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Chapter 15
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Beast Boy made his way down to the main room, one hand carelessly dragging his pack behind him. He left it in the middle of the floor the second he passed through the double doors, and his jacket soon followed. His weighted steps carried him into the kitchen, where he helped himself to a significant amount of Robin's coffee. Quiet pressed in on his ears, and he wanted to scream just to make noise. But he just drank his brew slowly, letting the absence of sound puncture his mind.
When he thought he couldn't take it anymore, when he was sure his head would explode, the doors slid open and Cyborg came striding into the room. It took less than a millisecond for his best friend to notice him, cry out "Dude", and then rush to his friend and pull him into a one-armed embrace.
"Whoa. Hey Cy."
"Man, are you a sight for sore eyes! Welcome back," he said when he let go. Beast Boy felt himself return the smile despite his dour mood.
"Good…good to be back."
"Everyone's been worried about you! No messages, no communication? I couldn't even track your comm's GPS." He shook his head, his worry from the past week seeping into his relief. "For the last day or two I'd convinced myself you'd gotten yourself kidnapped."
"Not kidnapped," Beast Boy assured him, and he couldn't help but chuckle at the thought. "Like I said in my text to Robin, I was with the Doom Patrol."
"Right, right. Family matters, I'm guessing? Or did you need a break from the Titans? You seemed really off after that battle with the League."
"Um, neither, actually." He finished off his first cup of coffee with one last swig. "I've been working this whole time. For the Patrol. In Okinawa." Cyborg's human eye widened.
"Come again?"
"Beast Boy!" Starfire's exclamation from the doorway made both boys jump in surprise. Gar fumbled with his mug as the alien flew over and caught him in his arms, lifting him off the floor in her excitement. Her hair tangled in his face and Cyborg had to lean forward to catch his mug before it cracked on the floor. "You are back and you are well!"
"Starfire, your hair is in my mouth-,"
"We have been worried with the sick this past week! Where did you go? Where have you gone? And why haven't you contacted us in so many days?" She set him down and held him at arm's length, waiting patiently for his response. He took a moment to pull out a few hairs from his tongue and gag a bit before he started to explain.
"I was in the middle of telling Cyborg. I've been in Okinawa with the Doom Patrol. Working." He noticed Robin quietly enter the room, striding up to stand near the counter without interrupting. Beast Boy nodded a greeting to him and he nodded back, offering a small but kind smile. "We were running a little espionage assignment on the Brotherhood."
"Say what?" Cyborg grumbled, automatically refilling his mug for him. "Where did this come from all of a sudden?"
"It didn't. I just couldn't really talk about it until now. I've been working this case for a while on the side. My dad has been sending me updates and files for nearly a month, and since it had to do with the Patrol and not the Titans he thought it best that I keep things under wraps." He took the mug Cy offered him and had a long drag of coffee.
"Ah. That's why you headed out there last week. The day I went to the east Tower."
"Yeah," Beast Boy agreed, although he left out the part where he had backtracked to return to the Tower. "Anyway, the morning after we faced the League I got an urgent call from my dad. They had to leave for Okinawa as soon as possible, and they needed me to go with them. And when I say 'as soon as possible', I literally mean that the hover jet was going to pick me up in five minutes."
"What was in Okinawa?" Robin questioned. "If you don't mind me asking."
"The Brain, as usual. He's been dealing confidential technology out of the country for a while now, but there's no solid evidence against him. So we went to find some. Dead-end, though. He hasn't shipped anything in the last two weeks, so the mission was a dud. All we got were two encrypted transmissions to some unknown source here in the States."
"So there was nothing terribly dangerous about your mission?" Starfire tried.
"A little, just not a lot."
"Then why couldn't you have told us all this before?" Star asked, the hurt audible in her voice. "Why the secrecy?"
"The Doom Patrol and the Teen Titans are two different teams. We all know how it gets a little crowded when we mix, so that was one of the main reasons Mento and I agreed to keep it on the down low. We were just avoiding an unnecessary arguing. Amongst other things," he explained, automatically looking at Robin. The Titan leader watched him for a moment before closing his eyes and nodding again; subtle actions that portrayed that he understood Beast Boy's unspoken explanation.
"What other things?" Star prodded.
"Deniability," Robin spoke up, crossing his arms. Beast Boy raised his mug to him.
"Bingo."
"I do not understand," Starfire replied.
"It's standard political procedure, especially considering the objective was a covert operation in a foreign country," Robin explained, shaking his head at the floor. "Like Beast Boy said, we are two separate, well-known, U.S. based superhero teams. If an operation is clandestine, like espionage, then it's highly illegal and could possibly lead to governmental dispute if cover is blown. And if the Doom Patrol could be linked in any way to the Titans, then the seemingly joint effort could be seen as an act of war. Or, at least, it can be twisted to be so."
"Is that true?" Starfire asked, turning to look at Beast Boy. He just shrugged.
"Yeah, sure, totally. Or at least, I'm pretty sure that's how Negative Man explained it. I don't know, I got distracted."
"So you turned off your comm," Cyborg went on, filling in the blanks himself. "And you couldn't tell us anything about the mission so we'd have reasonable deniability to the Doom Patrol's actions." Beast Boy lazily toasted him as well.
"Huzzah."
"In that case, I suppose I would have to applaud your ability of discretion," Star said, pulling him into another hug. "But I will say that I do not like it. I was very worried."
"Yeah," he said, patting her on the back guiltily. "Sorry about that. I didn't think my absence would be such a big deal."
"Well, you did go M.I.A. at the university," Cyborg offered. "And when you finally showed up you were lying in the infirmary half-dead and deprived of blood. So yeah, your absence came after a sequence of very not-so-good events. We started to assume the worst."
"Right." Beast Boy drained his mug and placed it on the counter, trying his best not to look at his teammates. 'Not-so-good' was a vast understatement. "Did you guys eat yet? Because I'm starving," he suggested, hoping to change the subject. Starfire shook her head in response and Cyborg grinned, having noticed his friend's discomfort and taking the opening. Beast Boy appreciated it.
"I'll call for pizza," he said, nudging the alien's elbow. "Want to go see if Raven's hungry?" And then in a lower tone, "and you can let her know BB's back." The Tamaranean smiled before heading off, and Beast Boy felt as if he probably should have said something…like warn her that pizza and his arrival were two things Raven did not want to be concerned with at the moment.
"So," Robin said, not having moved from his spot on the counter. "That's really the reason? The Brain in Okinawa?"
"It really is," Gar replied honestly. "I know I should have at least told you, but the Patrol figured that you'd be okay with me helping them, once you were informed." The stern look on Robin's face didn't change. "I mean, I know you're not their biggest fan, but I figured-,"
"It's not that," he said, waving aside his stillborn apology. "I just…." He sighed. "I thought something had happened between you and Raven, and I've inadvertently blamed her for your departure."
"Oh. Well, um…."
"She's going to chew me out for this," he half-laughed, pushing off the counter and clapping a hand on Beast Boy's shoulder. "And she'll be justified."
"Yeah," Beast Boy said, looking away as Robin strode past him towards the sofa. "Justified."
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She was looking at Happy Raven.
But Happy Raven didn't look very happy anymore.
She tried to smile, but it came out as a grimace in her gaunt face. She looked worse than worn down, more like she had aged years in the span of a few hours. Her pink cloak had shifted towards a darker hue, and her bright eyes were dull and lifeless. Her skin hung around her skeletal face, grey to the point of nausea, and there were bruises around her neck. Her hands were wrinkled, her knees were shaking, and her hair was stringy and unkempt.
She looked starved. Tortured.
She didn't look like herself at all.
There was a moment of hesitation, a moment where everything that had happened with Beast Boy was immediately forgotten, and then Raven rushed forward, concern and distress marring her features.
"What happened to you? What did this?" she demanded, pushing back the girl's hood and cradling her head in her hands. Raven examined her emoticlone's face, turning her chin to get a closer look at the bruises, touching her shoulders to feel the bones protruding from her suit. "It was her," Raven said, answering her own question through gritted teeth. "I can't believe it. This is…she can't do this. Not to any of you. She's not allowed to hurt any of you. Not even Rage did that. This is unacceptable. This is beyond ramification. This is-,"
"Raven." Her Happy persona grabbed her hands, stilling them from their frantic assessment. She looked Raven in the eye and tried to smile, the effort making her breath just a little bit heavier.
"Where is she?" Raven snarled. "I'm putting an end to this." Her emotion shook her head, laughing quietly to herself. She reached out and gently touched Raven's hair, looking at her dominant personality in the eye. "Where is she?" Raven repeated, and her emoticlone sighed.
"She's right in front of you."
Raven's eyes narrowed, raking over the projection with suspicion. "You're not her. I know you. I can feel you. You're not her."
"I am me," she agreed, nodding her head. "But so is she. Raven, look at me." She raised her arms, showed her the darkness of her cloak and the decaying façade of her hands. "She's…she's taking us over."
"She can't," Raven barked, grabbing her wrists and forcing them down. "She can't do that."
"She is, and she's almost done." Happy Raven held on to her tightly as she lowered herself to the ground, too tired to go on standing. Raven helped her, listening to her explanation as she settled on the dirt. "Haven't you noticed? Before today, before what happened at the university? You haven't noticed the change, the paranoia?" She groaned as she rubbed at her neck. "Well, I guess she was good at being subtle about it. She's super stealthy, and really mean when she wants to be." She groaned. "Timid was taken over first."
"Taken over?"
"Yup." She wiggled her fingers over her face in emphasis. "Just seeped into her like it was nothing. Not a struggle or a fight, but would you have expected anything less? That's where your paranoia is coming from, your insecurity, your irrational spouts of depression. Depravity…she just, dove into her and manipulated her fearful nature into something crazy…"
"I'm not having irrational spouts," Raven protested.
"You're not?" her emotion prompted, raising an eyebrow. "Then openly announced self-deprecation and spontaneous bouts of violence are normal?" Raven took a step back from her emotion and glared down at her. Happy Raven wrinkled her nose. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like such a jerk. I've been spending too much time with Knowledge."
"I'm not self-deprecating," she defended. "I'm stressed. And I'm realistic."
"To a fault." Raven's jaw clenched in such a threatening manner that her emotion threw her hands up in surrender. "Okay, sorry. Wrong time to pull a Beast Boy joke."
"What about the others?" Raven pressed, readjusting the conversation. "How many has she been able to…take over?"
"Um, let's see…she got the lazy one next. Sloth? And the rude one that burps a lot. I never spent much time with them, but I tried to save them. So did Bravery. It didn't work."
Her increasingly languid acceptance of defeat. Her lack of verbal filter.
More signs that she had ignored.
"Where is Knowledge? And Bravery, for that matter?" Raven swallowed, worried.
"Knowledge is in hiding." She grinned. "Smart girl, huh? Hah. And Bravery keeps putting up a fight."
"And Rage?"
"Rage... They're really similar, you know? There are some things they agree on and some things they don't, but it's kind of strange." Her eyes got distant and Raven didn't like the raspy sound that invaded her voice. "It's like watching our father's anger battle our anger. You'd think they'd coexist, but then they don't…and then they come close to it…and then things get too heated." She shivered, making a face that only Happy Raven could make at such a time. "It's jarring, what that other one has become. She's so different from Trigon. More human in the cruel things she wants to do. Does that make her less terrifying or more so?" She sounded so airy in her reflection, caught in a moment beyond her withering state. "She's so cold, Raven. Like ice."
"So what happened to you?" Raven asked, chills running up her spine. "Why are you…deteriorating?"
"She's in me, but not completely," she said, shivering at the thought. "It's such a creepy feeling, having her seep into my consciousness. Like choking on smoke."
"So you got away?"
"I got away," she tried to cheer, waving her hands in a semi-triumphant motion. It was agonizing, watching her try to be optimistic. "But geez, it was so hard. She's…relentless."
"She's really in you?"
"Kind of. Not really. Maybe. I don't know." Her emoticlone pouted. "Yes, I guess. What does it look like, when you look into my eyes?" she asked, tilting her head up to meet Raven's gaze. "Can you see her there?" she asked curiously. "Does it look like me or does it look like her? I feel like…it looks like her." Raven didn't answer, just turned her head away. "Can you get it out? Can you pull her out of me? She makes me feel sick."
"I don't know," Raven said, fingers raking through her hair while she tried to think. "I don't know anything about any of this. I thought…I could have settled this sooner. I should have settled this sooner. When she was a separate entity."
"Would that have mattered?"
"It would have been easier. She's spread too thin now, if what you're saying is true. I knew she was integrating herself, but I never thought it was in this way." She touched a hand to her temple. "When Trigon tries to take over he just overpowers my other sides. She's trying to recruit them." She dropped her hand angrily. "I should have stopped this sooner."
"It wouldn't have worked, and you know that," her emotion offered. "She would have found ways to evade you, ways to sneak around and avoid confrontation. She's clever like that. She doesn't exactly know how to play fair." The emotion groaned and laid down on the dirt, folding her hands over her belly and closing her eyes. She heaved a sigh, shaking her head. "I think…I think it's too late, Raven. I think it's just too late."
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"Since we're celebrating your return I made sure to order vegan-friendly pizza. Just don't get used to it. You get this once a year," Cyborg said, hanging up the phone and leaning back. Beast Boy wandered over to the table, pulling out a chair and taking a seat across from him. He slumped down and rested his elbows on the table, dropping his head in his hands.
"Can I talk to you about something?" he asked between his fingers, grumbling into his palms. Cyborg frowned at him and leaned forward.
"Of course you can. Everything okay? Issues with the Patrol?"
"No, nothing like that." Beast Boy scratched at his head a bit before he lifted his face and looked his friend in the eye. He sighed. "How are you and Sarah doing?*" he suddenly asked. Cyborg blinked in surprise.
"Um, we're doing well, I guess. I mean, we're not doing bad. I only get to see her every so often, but we talk a lot. On the phone and such."
"You guys have been together for what, three, four years now?"
"On and off, yeah."
"Because of the hero thing."
Cyborg raised an eyebrow. "Well yes, that's a big issue. She understands for the most part, but it can be difficult, and I get that." He crossed his arms on the table. "Why are you so interested in Sarah all of a sudden?"
"Have you ever hurt her?" Beast Boy asked, staring fixedly into the table. "Like on accident, maybe? I know last year you two ran into Johnny Rancid when you were getting out of the movie theatre. Did she ever get caught in the crossfire? Injured during battle?"
"No," Cyborg said, even more thrown off by the direction of the conversation. "It got close a few times, hence our on again, off again status, but thankfully she's never been hurt. Dude, what's going on with you?" Beast Boy just dropped his head onto the table, his forehead making a dull thud.
"And do you love her?" he asked, his words muffled. Cyborg just reached out and grabbed his shoulder, forcing him to sit up and look him in the eye.
"Is this about Terra? Because you're starting to talk in that weirdly depressing way you do when the subject shifts to Terra."
Beast Boy stared at him. Not angry. Thoughtful. "You know, I loved Terra."
Cyborg sighed. "Yeah, I know."
"She was hard to get over."
"Your heart broke. No one expected you to just 'get over her' in two seconds."
"But eventually I did. I moved on."
"Yeah. Time can do that for a person."
"So can Raven."
Cyborg's brow furrowed. "What?" he asked. Beast Boy closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead, grumbling to himself.
"Did you know that Raven and I used to sit on the roof and talk for hours about Terra? She would listen to me whine and complain and vent about everything, and she never once made me feel stupid for being so hung up on her. She didn't even do that thing that some people do where they turn the situation around and make it about themselves instead. She always made it about me. She let me be angry and depressed without letting me fall too far. I must have been so annoying at that time, but she never acted like I was."
Cyborg smiled softly, nodding his head. "She's a good listener. She holds so much in, so she understands that it's a well-deserved privilege when others get to let things out. I've vented to her a few times of my own." He watched his friend carefully, noting how he seemed so painfully weighed down. "So, is this about Ra-,"
"You never answered my question," Beast Boy interrupted. "Do you love her? Do you love Sarah?" Cyborg paused for a moment, thinking.
"Yeah," he finally said, nodding. "I do. But," he went on, shifting in his seat. "I'm not quite sure if I'm in love with her."
"Ah. Good answer."
"Okay, now you're starting to creep me out." Cyborg sat forward again, one elbow leaning against the table. "What is this all about, BB? Did something happen?"
Beast Boy rubbed at his chin and then his temple, his eyes more troubled than they had ever looked before. His started to bounce his knee nervously. "I did a bad thing, Cy," he said quietly, his voice staying low enough that Robin couldn't hear it from the sofa. "A really bad thing."
"Okay."
"To Raven."
Cyborg tried to hide his surprised dread. He didn't do a very good job. "Uh-oh." He looked around nervously, as if Raven were in the room with them, listening over their shoulders. "What is it, Gar? What did you do to her?" Beast Boy could barely look him in the eye, and it only made the dread he felt amplify.
"I fell in love with her."
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"What are you doing now?" Happy Raven asked, turning her head on the dirt and frowning at her other self. The real Raven was sitting cross-legged on the ground beside her, palms open at her knees and eyes closed.
"Searching," she said softly. "I need to find her."
"It's no use," her emotion said. "She's taken over so many and seeped into even more that she's everywhere."
"Not Depravity," Raven said calmly. "The other one. The one you didn't mention. I'm searching…for my affection. My tenderness." She swallowed hard and Happy Raven sat up, excited.
"You're looking for Love?"
Raven's hands closed and she opened her eyes, turning to stare at her smiling emoticlone. "You felt it, didn't you? From Garfield?" The emotion's gaunt eyes shone and her weak smile widened.
"I did. And wow Raven, that was something else, huh?"
"I hadn't been expecting it."
"Really? Are you sure?"
"Yes."
Happy Raven pursed her lips. "You're lying. Because I was expecting it."
Raven turned away, head bowed. "Perhaps," she muttered. "Maybe. I'm not an idiot, I know what love is. I do hold affection and caring for my friends. But something like that…I had not…at least, not to that extent."
"Is there an extent to loving a person? I didn't know there was a limit," the emotion pondered somewhat sarcastically. "And even then, has Garfield ever felt anything halfway?"
Raven breathed deeply, opening her palms. "You've gotten incredibly insightful since I last remember," she remarked. "I was never aware optimism had such a well-rounded view."
"Just because I look on the bright side of things doesn't mean I'm oblivious," she cooed.
"Well noted," Raven mumbled, only half listening. She closed her eyes again. "Any idea where I can find her?"
"No. She went into hiding, like Knowledge. But she left a long time ago. Buried herself. Deep, deep within. Far out of reach."
"I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing."
"Don't we consider it to be both?"
"Of course we do."
There was a short silence that stretched out between them, one where the emoticlone silently watched Raven search. She coughed a little into her hand, waited a moment, and then reached out and tugged on her sleeve. Raven opened her eyes again and patiently looked down at her. "I know what you're planning," she said softly, the mirth gone from her. "I've seen it. All the work you've been doing with Cyborg." Raven waited, watching her feeble mirror image as she struggled to speak. "I know."
"And?" she prompted, her face a mask of nothing, even when speaking to her own self.
"All that has come to pass in the last few weeks, even in the last months, have been both good and bad. Some may be worse than others. If such things had not happened…maybe Depravity…maybe she wouldn't be doing such mean things now." Her hand dropped back to the ground. "But Raven, what you're planning, it's so drastic. It's so risky. And it's frightening."
"It's just a safety," she tried to reassure herself, but the emotion shook her head.
"No it's not. You're going to carry it out. You wouldn't have devoted so much time to it if you wouldn't be carrying it out." Her voice choked a little. "Does it have to come down to that?"
Raven looked out beyond their hovering rock, out towards the otherworldly expanse of her mindscape. It was the sort of blackness that seemed to press in on a person, rounding out in the distance so it looked to give an end when, in fact, there was no end to speak of. This was her mind, an endless abyss of darkness. She had once taken pride in its seemingly infinite nature. Now she wasn't sure.
"What happened with Gar at the university is…difficult to live with. Two sides of a harrowing wrong. I know he feels guilty for what happened." She paused. "And in a way I guess I do blame him. I felt pain, both his and mine. But then I remember that it wasn't of his own accord, that I can influence people to do things beyond their conscious control, and whatever blame I send his way becomes shameful. And then I feel guilty for that as well. And that guilt builds in me because it comes from so many different sources. And then I look at him, and I see nothing but retribution in his eyes, and the guilt that I felt before amplifies, and all of a sudden I turn into this blubbering mess of disgrace and humiliation and then I realize…I'm not myself anymore." She dropped her face into her hands. Not out of sadness, but out of weariness. She was so tired. "Depravity hit me in a place where I had no chance of defense whatsoever. All I can do from here on out…is break. A little more. Every day. I'll become weak, and what I did at the university will happen…again. I know it will." She pushed her hair back and looked up. "So yes," she finally answered, her words strong. "It has come down to that."
"You know," her emotion started. "We used to be stronger than this. We used to be more…durable."
"That's what Robin said."
"And that's why I'm saying it."
She narrowed her eyes, displeased with the disparaging reminder. "Real life isn't so clean that I can approach everything with a sterile resolve. Maybe my performance of stoicism makes people forget that I have the ability to feel, more so than anyone else around me."
"Maybe our friends just know us better than you think."
"'Live with a man forty years, share his house, his meals, speak on every subject. Then tie him up and hold him over the volcano's edge, and on that day you will finally meet the man.'"
"Did you just quote a television show?*"
"It's relevant."
"Sure, but still."
"What happened at the university was my volcano's edge. You can't blame me for getting weaker because of that."
"You do know that I am you," her emoticlone defended. "So, technically, you're putting yourself down for getting weaker."
"Yes," Raven sighed, irritated with herself. Literally. "I know."
Happy Raven just chuckled humorlessly, curling on her side and tucking her hands beneath her head. "It could go wrong, you know," she warned. "This plan of yours. It's a good plan. But it could go wrong."
"Things can always go wrong. I've a lifetime of evidence to prove that theory."
"Yeah," her emotion conceded. "I guess so. But this in particular could go really wrong."
"Which is why I've employed the help of Cyborg."
"But he doesn't know the whole story."
"I'm keeping it light."
Her emotion coughed again and pouted. "What about Garfield?" she persisted. "What does he think of all this?" Raven avoided her eyes, her body unmoving.
"You know that he doesn't know."
"Duh," she said, clearly displeased. "I'm bringing it up to make a point."
"Trust me," Raven said. "The point has been taken."
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Cyborg's expression and lengthy silence made Beast Boy feel far more than just stupid.
"Okay, look, I get it," he said, sitting back and waving his hands around, rolling his eyes. "It's weird and it's crazy and it's totally stupid and awkward and blah blah blah, we're completely opposite and none of it makes sense and now I sound like an idiot and the world just got a little stranger for you." He slumped in his seat and crossed his arms, frustrated for no reason. "This sucks."
"Dude," Cyborg finally said, shaking his head, his mouth agape. "I didn't…I mean, I knew you liked her, but-,"
"You knew I liked her?"
Cyborg shot him a look. "I have eyes, you know."
"Whoa, hey, I'm not that obvious! I wasn't even sure I felt this way until a month ago."
"That's because you're blind and ignorant. You've been looking at her the same way for the last two years or so. Not to mention how adamant you are in annoying her every second of every day."
"Yeah, well…whatever."
"I just never thought…I didn't know you'd fallen-,"
"Well, I have," Beast Boy snapped, not wanting to hear it repeated in his friend's voice. "And I think it's the worst mistake I've ever made." Cyborg grimaced animatedly.
"Ouch. That's harsh. And confusing. I'm guessing there's more to the story than white sheets and rose petals?" Beast Boy blinked at that, staring at Cyborg for a second before he started to laugh, loudly. Robin glanced back at them from the sofa but Cyborg just waved a dismissive hand, pointing at Beast Boy and rolling his eyes. Robin grinned and turned back to his show. "I don't mean to alarm you, but you sound really off kilter right now."
"Sorry, sorry. It's just…oh man. The Titans have been around each other way too long."
"Uh-huh." Cyborg rose from his seat. "Look, I'm going to head to the roof to shoot some hoops. Want to come? Maybe you're more inclined not to act crazy if we're outside?"
Beast Boy made a face at his remark but stood up all the same. "All right, sure. Maybe I will be more inclined."
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"Raven?" Starfire called, knocking on her bedroom door lightly. "Raven, are you in there? You were not in your library, and I have joyous news to tell you!" The alien waited patiently, wondering where her friend could be if she was not in her room. She pondered the possibility that Raven was meditating on the roof, but she hadn't seen her leave the confines of the Tower in days. Starfire was just contemplating checking the garage or the training rooms when the door suddenly slid open, causing her to jump back and smile. "Raven," she exclaimed, looking down at the girl. Raven stood before her, grinning softly, her head tilted to the side. It was the most at ease that she had looked in a long time.
"Hello, Star," she said, and her voice was no longer the weary, fatigued voice she had been using all week. She sounded extremely content. "You said something about joyous news?"
"Oh, yes! We are ordering the pizza for dinner tonight, and there will be a large celebration with all our friends!"
"Doesn't really seem like the time for celebration," Raven pointed out. "As I recall, the Tower hasn't been very uplifting as of late."
"But there is cause for celebration," Star insisted, reaching out and grabbing her friend's hand. She hesitated a bit, surprised with how cold Raven's skin was, but she ignored it and dragged her out of her room. "Beast Boy has returned from his lengthy absence, and I know you must be very thrilled to have him return." She watched as Raven's easy grin spread into a full-fledged smile, and although Starfire loved seeing her smile there was something extremely off in the way she looked now. It sent a chill up the alien's spine, and her immediate mirth faltered considerably.
"Oh, well that is joyous news," Raven said, patting Star's hand. "Joyous news indeed."
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"Um…Raven?"
Raven turned to look at her emoticlone, sighing deeply as she did so. Her search for Love was becoming futile, and the vast expanse of her mind was frustrating her to no end. "What is it?"
"I feel happy."
She felt herself roll her eyes, and she forced her tongue to keep all snarky remarks silent. "I would be surprised if you weren't. That is, after all, who you are-,"
"Raven." She reached out and tugged on her sleeve, yanking her cardigan right off her shoulder. She bore her eyes into her, the stare accentuating the hideous shadows of her face. "Look at me. I should be miserable. I've been as miserable as I can be this entire time I've been with you. But just now…I'm happy, Raven. I'm delighted. I'm ecstatic." Her forehead creased and she looked away. "I'm absolutely thrilled."
"What are you-," Raven started to say, but then her words dropped right off her tongue and her expression changed as realization settled in. She grabbed her emotion's hand squeezing tight. "No, no-,"
"I can't stop thinking about Garfield…"
"…-no, no, no-…"
"Oh gosh, I feel…I feel like laughing." She grimaced, and her hand dropped onto the ground. "I feel like I want to laugh and smile and laugh some more." She looked like she was in more pain than she could handle. "Raven…Raven…please, just make her stop!"
Raven jumped to her feet and threw her head back, closing her eyes and focusing her mind. "Nunc lento sonitu dicunt…novo! Novo! Novo!"
.
.
.
"I didn't plan on it," Beast Boy said right away, catching the ball that Cyborg tossed in his direction. He dribbled it a few times before he tossed it back. "I don't even know how it happened."
"Do any of us?" Cyborg offered, shrugging. "Out of all the things we've seen and done, does anyone know how we end up falling for a person?"
"Okay, dude, not to be rude or anything, but I'm not going to talk to you if you get all Morgan Freeman on me." Cyborg passed him the ball again and Beast Boy grunted at the force. His friend grinned.
"Serves you right." Cy walked around the three-point line of the court and positioned himself in front of Beast Boy, settling into a stance. Gar sighed and started dribbling the ball, clearly reluctant to play an actual game. "Although, correct if me I'm wrong, but aren't people usually happy when they fall in love?"
"People don't usually feel that strongly about people who can't feel," he replied, moving around. Cyborg shot forward and stole the ball with ease, taking it down the court and pulling off an easy lay-up. He landed on the ground and turned to his friend.
"Valid point. But that's not why you're upset." He picked up the ball and tossed it back to Gar. "Raven's nature has never stopped you before, so what's really eating at you?" Beast Boy stared down at the object in his hand, turning the rubber over and over against his palms.
"Things have gotten…complicated." He shot Cyborg a narrow-eyed look. "Don't ask me to get into detail."
"Hadn't even crossed my mind."
"Sure it didn't." Beast Boy lazily shot the ball towards the basket. It didn't even make it to the hoop. "Cy…something bad is happening to Raven. Something that I'm just making worse, and I feel useless. And stupid." He watched his friend pick up the ball and hold it between his massive hands.
"She came to me while you were gone," he told him. "Didn't tell me much of anything, just asked for my help with something." Cyborg stared at him as he reacted to the news; he saw him blink in surprise and then frown in confusion.
"Help with what?"
"Like I said, she didn't say much."
"What have you guys been working on?"
Cyborg shook his head, frowning. "I'm not quite sure. Sometimes she has me giving her a detailed lesson on the biology of the human brain, and other times I play scribe at the computer while she has me record whatever she relays to me."
"Record?" Beast Boy repeated. "Record what?"
"Everything. Anything. We record her detailed accounts of the villains we've faced, everything she's observed or noticed that isn't already a part of our files. Or sometimes she recites everything about her practices of magic and sorcery, like spells and rituals."
"That's…weird."
"Yeah." Cyborg spun the ball in his hands a few times, contemplating his words. "I've known for awhile that Raven hasn't been okay. When someone of her composure unravels even the slightest bit it's easy to notice. But she's a complex character. Her problems aren't all black and white, and dealing with them is even more ambiguous." He tossed the ball across the rooftop. They both watched it bounce a couple times before rolling into the pool. "I know what the obvious solution to this is. I should ask you about the details of what's going on. I should ask her for the details of what's going on. I should be a lot more involved with this than I am." He rubbed his forehead. "But I'm scared. Scared to disrupt her process. Scared to know too much. I'm like the perfect example of the Bystander Effect. I'll look at the wreckage, I'll feel bad about it, but my own reservations keep me from doing what clearly needs to be done." He looked at Beast Boy and Beast Boy looked back. He saw the troubled looked on Cyborg's face and kicked his friend in the leg. Hard.
"You really suck at this best friend thing," he said, ignoring Cy's outraged reaction. "You're supposed to give me stock best friend advice that both helps me realize the truth behind my inner conflict while simultaneously fixing my problem for me. This blows." He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned away, his brow more deeply furrowed than before.
"Sorry. Television sitcom simulation fail."
"No kidding," Gar scoffed.
"I'm not really sure how I can help," Cyborg admitted. "And I don't know how much of a betrayal this is, but I can show you what Raven's been working on." Gar glanced at him and he shrugged. "That's probably the last thing she'd want me to do, but I'll do it."
"Does Robin know? Or Star?"
"If they do then they didn't hear it from me."
Beast Boy thought a moment, glancing at the basketball floating freely in the pool water. "Okay," he said. "Show me."
.
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She watched her as they walked through the corridors, her eyes unabashedly raking in every inch of the Tamaranean. She was undoubtedly beautiful and nauseatingly kind, and she exemplified nearly every opposition of Raven's own appearance and perspective. And yet the girl had grown close with this alien, learned to accept the characteristics that made them different while finding similarities that didn't show on the surface. This princess of Tamaran had become a treasured friend, and Raven had learned to cherish her.
Sickening.
They reached the stairs and she stopped walking, forcing the alien to stop as well. Starfire turned, her kind eyes full of instant worry and confusion.
"Raven?" she asked. "Something wrong?"
"Perhaps," she said, and she looked the girl in the eye, absorbing the green of her irises. "I've always wondered, during quiet moments in a prison of absolute darkness, what a demon could find so interesting about the sun and its warmth; to be surrounded by beauty and laughter and a kindness that is perpetual, despite the demon's penchant for silence and an atmosphere of more interesting substance. I have wondered, often to myself since I am the only one who ever cared to listen, what could the appeal be for someone who lives in shadows to spend time with someone who basks in light? It had left me with a curious taste in my mouth, as of late, and I think I've finally come to a substantial conclusion." She tilted her head to the side, carefully inspecting Starfire's curiously alarmed stare. "Do you know what that conclusion is, Koriand'r?"
"You are making me nervous," Star answered, and she jerked when Raven shifted closer to her. "What is wrong, friend? You seem very…"
"Very what, Kory?" Raven took a step closer and Star scrambled a few steps up, unconsciously putting distance between them. "What do I seem like?"
"Something is wrong with you," she replied, her alarm lessening to a deeper concern. "You are not yourself. Something has happened-,"
"You never answered my question."
"You are not friend Raven." Star's eyes began to glow and her breathing quickened with her growing frustration. "Friend Raven does not speak as you do, and friend Raven is not as cold as you are."
"My conclusion, as you well know, has to do with you, and why you're dear 'friend Raven' would befriend someone who is her polar opposite in so many ways."
Starfire's hand shot up, a starbolt pulsing around her fingers. Her brow was furrowed in determination, but the frown on her lips betrayed her reluctance to strike. "Do not make me hurt my dear friend," she warned. "I will if I must, but I do not wish to hurt Raven."
"The conclusion is simple," Raven replied, taking a step back even as her hair began to lift from the magic she was building up. "Best explained in the way a child licks their finger and pinches the flame on a candle." She opened her palms and Starfire gritted her teeth. "It's the need to snuff out the light, and the curiosity of how much pain it takes to do so."
"Raven-,"
They both sprang into action before more words could be exchanged. They were quick, the pair of them, and quiet. The years they had spent training together meant they knew each other's moves almost as well as their own, and their knowledge turned them into a whirlwind of purple and blue. They moved as one, Raven melting into her darkness as Starfire rose into the air. A moment later the sorceress was materializing behind the alien, and Star quickly twisted over her right shoulder, knowing her companion would be there, and reached for her shoulder. Raven dodged her grasp and went for a strike to her torso, but Starfire had been the one to teach her that move, and she blocked it easily before flipping away through the air. Raven disappeared again, and Star took the opening to race as fast as she could up the stairwell. She needed to get to Robin, to Cyborg, to Beast Boy, to anyone. Something terribly had happened to Raven, because no matter the circumstances, Raven would never hurt any one of the Titans. Not unless she was absolutely powerless against the situation.
She was only a few feet away from the top landing when, at the last second, blackness blossomed right before her, expanding into a teleportation hole big enough to swallow her entire being. Starfire threw back her body in the air, forcing herself to jerk to a stop inches from the darkness. But a brush of air combed across her neck and she felt Raven's presence before she heard her voice in her ear.
"She loves you, Koriand'r," she said, her hands closing around her arms in a painful grip. Starfire prepared to throw her off, to blast her just hard enough to knock her unconscious, but a cold spread from Raven's fingers and seemed to paralyze her body. "So I am curious, how much do you think it will pain her to snuff you out?"
Before Star could let a cry escape her lips Raven shoved her forward, forcing her into the black and closing the portal behind her.
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.
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"What is all this?" Beast Boy asked, a notebook held loosely in his hands while he stared up at Cyborg's multiple monitors. "This is what you've been doing all week?"
"No," his friend corrected, leaning back in his chair. "This is only what we've been doing in the last three days."
"You're shitting me."
"Whoa, language man. When did you get to be such a potty mouth?"
"I mean, this is ridiculous," Beast Boy went on, ignoring him. "Behavioral modification, cerebral stimuli and alternating procedures of the amygdala? Modifications of the frontal cortex and the aftermath of a lobotomized brain? I'm not even sure what half of this means! And did she really watch a two hour long documentary on the history of psychiatry?"
"She really did," Cyborg confirmed, reaching forward to tap a few keys. "Not to mention…this."
"Your lab documents from when your parents reconfigured your body? Why would she want to see that?"
"She was interested in the nanotech that they incorporated into my brain; how the cybernetics work without overpowering the part of me that's me."
"Why?"
"Like I said, I have no idea. Check that notebook in your hand."
Gar dropped his gaze and sifted through the pages, scanning the diagrams and sketches of ancient runes, occult symbols, and words written in what was clearly Latin. "This makes a little more sense," he commented. "But if I pair it together with what you've got on these screens then I couldn't even begin to guess what this is all about."
"If you think that's confusing then check out that book over there." Cyborg pointed to a large, square book sitting on a pile of manila file folders. Beast Boy crossed to the worktable and flipped it open, expecting to see more scientific or mystical gibberish. Instead he opened up to a page filled with pictures of the Titans when they had taken a day trip up the coast to a private beach. It had been about two years ago, in early summer, a few weeks before Raven had gotten a haircut. There were notes scribbled in between the pictures, like minor details, dates and times. One picture was of Robin, Cyborg and Beast Boy sitting around a bonfire at dusk, each of them holding up their soda cans and smiling at the camera. The note next to it jotted down the time, date, and name of the convenience store where they had bought their drinks. Beast Boy frowned at it all.
"I don't get it," he said, glancing at a few more of the pages before returning to the one of them at the beach. "What is this supposed to be?"
"It's a scrapbook, BB. I freaking scrapbook. Raven made a scrapbook."
"She wrote down the store where we bought drinks on May 29th at six-thirty. Sinclair's, off the highway. The roof was red." He looked up, his expression more than a little confused. "Who the hell remembers that?"
"Raven, apparently."
"Why is this here?"
"She made it here."
"When did she find time to scrapbook between mentally dissecting the human brain and mastering every ancient spell of the past five hundred years?" he spat, sarcasm making its way into his genuine surprise. Cyborg just shrugged.
"I told you, it doesn't make sense to me. She looks up spells, I give a lecture, then two seconds later she's holding a photo and a glue stick. A glue stick, man. If I didn't know any better I'd say she was having a textbook mental breakdown. Raven-style, at least."
"Maybe," Beast Boy said off-handedly, simultaneously flipping through the books as he listened. Something caught his eye from the notebook and he sifted back to a diagram that Raven had sketched. It was a ritual circle, with runes written along the outer line of the circle and characters drawn on the inner line. He remembered Raven trying to explain ritual circles to him, on a rare day years ago when they had found a moment of camaraderie and he had shown genuine interest in her craft. He frowned at the scribbled notes taken in the margins. "This is weird," he said, reading the page carefully. "She copied some of the brain notes here with her magic. Look." He picked up the notebook and carried it over to Cyborg, pointing things out to him. "She drew a rune here at the top, added notes about the hypothalamus, and then combined the rune with a few others to mimic the notes."
"That's…kind of cool," Cyborg said, leaning forward and reading over the page more carefully. "Do you see here? She created another rune combination to target the hippocampus in the brain. That's why she kept asking about it. She was incessant on making sure she knew how to specify the areas of long-term memory."
"Memory?" Beast Boy asked, shaking his head at the page. "What the hell is she trying to accomplish?"
"I don't really know," Cyborg said, shaking his head. "But the more I find out, the more I'm getting a bad feeling about all of this." Beast Boy groaned in response and tossed the notebook back on the worktable. "And the more I'm worried about you, man."
"Me?"
"You're the one who's in love with her," he said, and Beast Boy involuntarily flinched at the easy way he proclaimed it. "And this does not look promising. But this is also Raven, so how do we deal with this?" he asked, exasperated. Gar just stared up at the monitors and then back at the notes on the table. This went beyond his depression at the rift between him and her, or his mourning over their vast emotional distance yet twisted intimate relationship. This was something much more frightening, made so by how little he knew about all of it. What could this mountain of notes and research mean? And what was its connection to Raven's problem with Depravity?
"I don't know, Cy," Beast Boy admitted, and he hated the words, no matter how true they were. "Seriously, I don't know."
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It was easy, holding onto her consciousness. She could feel Raven fighting inside of her, trying her hardest to force her way out. Every utterance of 'novo' pried at Depravity's control, but she had grown immeasurably strong from the dark deeds she had forced upon her captor. So this time, if Raven wanted her body back, she would have to wait until control was given up willingly.
And Depravity had hours and hours to kill.
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A/N:
*Sarah Simms—in the Go! comics she is a normal civilian girl who becomes Cyborg's girlfriend.
*"'Live with a man forty years, share his house, his meals, speak on every subject. Then tie him up and hold him over the volcano's edge, and on that day you will finally meet the man.'"—from the episode "War Stories" from the television show "Firefly".