Dropped Call

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: Castle missed his going away party because something unexpected came up and the Castle/Gina/Hamptons thing didn't happen etc. Castle assumes Beckett is with Demming and goes off the grid for several months. Would our favorite couple ever reconnect? From a prompt from Kato769. NOTE: AU not canon

I don't own Castle, I use the characters for amusement purposes only

A/N This chapter may be pushing the envelope of the skill level of our Detective, BUT please indulge me the activity to get the story moved to the next plot point. It's fiction, so comments about proper titles, procedures and especially referring to canon are being ignored, this again is AU, Alternate Universe, so just go with it please.

Chapter 15

Previously

She was just beginning to see the depths of this man's heart, how deeply he loved was also the depth he could hurt and she's pretty sure she did a great job in pushing him as low as he could be. Why? Even asking herself she couldn't answer the question.

Something about him made her feel different than other men had made her feel, what was it? Safe, Secure and totally loved in the few moments she had allowed him inside the fortress walls? That was it and it scared her to death, what if she gave in and then he took that feeling away, she wouldn't be able to cope, so better not to even start. Well on with the letter ***

Beckett's Apartment

Saturday Evening

Kate had fought off the idea of writing a letter to Castle, well Rick since she had arrived home, from Dr. Burkes. She had gone to Brunch with her Dad, met Maddie for a completely unneeded shopping trip, and finally had a drink and appetizers with Lanie as she waited for her date, (it was Espo who was she trying to kid, Kate had even saw him trying to hide from the other side of the bar, oh well let them keep it fresh) and now she was finally home and out of excuses.

Well I guess it's time, as she gathered her legal pad and pencil, knowing that this would be just one of many drafts before she was satisfied showing it to Dr. Burke on Wednesday. No sense wasting the good stationary until she had a final copy she could send, once she found out from Paula where? Another problem she hadn't thought about, where the hell was, she going to send it once she did complete it. Well, I'll deal with that later, I have to show Dr. Burke I am following instructions to get back my job.

Dear Castle, then she erased Castle and added Rick and so it went for several hours, the more she wrote, the less resentful she felt, and the more she missed the man who would move heaven and earth if she asked, how stupid had she been.

Dear Rick,

I'm sure I am the last person you expected a letter from, even more that it contains my heartfelt apology, and me begging you to forgive me for the childish behavior I displayed, over and over till it finally pushed you over the edge. This is my fault, no one else, and I know you hate me now, and I can't blame you, I gave you no reason to feel anything else. I am sure you know of the disaster at the precinct by now, and once again, I can take credit for most if not all of the disharmony there. It seems I have a knack for making people feel small, useless, and to push my own insecurities on others.

It was said that only the weak talk badly of others, hoping to bring them to the level of despair they felt, I can relate to that since I treated you, among others with treatment I am so ashamed of. I won't use any excuse except to say, I was afraid of you Rick, you see you did something to me that I haven't experienced in years. You made me feel, the good, bad, happy and sad and if I'm being honest like I want to be, you made me feel wanted and appreciated as a woman, not just a cop but more.

It's easy to keep one foot out the door with men you don't feel anything for, and when I said you think you know me but you don't, I was referring to the fear I live with every day. The fear that you will make me want to live life again, to have to commit to someone, which will make it easier for me to feel hurt and pain once again. I think I know the pain I caused because when I stop, and re-visit the day my life changed forever, a hurt I carry with me deep inside took over, that's how I must have made you feel, for which I'm so sorry.

Rick, I can't say I'm sorry enough to you, to Demming, to all of my colleagues and to my profession, I caused each of you hurt and embarrassed the role I have fought hard to keep honorable for the last 10 years.

I owe you the greatest apology, since I know your hurt as I saw it get deeper and deeper each day, but I allowed my fear to try to drive you away. I never wanted to drive you away from me completely, just away from my heart. The day you left, and I knew you weren't coming back was one of the worst days I have had since my Mom was killed. Whether you know it or not, I know I didn't, but you had already made me feel, made me look forward to life, to you, and now I have pushed you to where I don't even know where you are, God I am so sorry.

I know I'm not good showing my emotions and I don't let people in, but Rick, I am asking two questions. Can you forgive me? I am truly sorry and will be till the day I die. The second question is perhaps a surprise, again, it took hours of wrestling with myself but I'm putting myself on the line, opening myself up for all of the hurt, rejection, embarrassment I know I deserve,

Can you, and even if you can will you love me as much as I know I love you? Yes, I said it, I love you and I have for I don't know how long. If you don't feel the same I'll understand, I know you have been treated horribly by me, which I can never undo, but I promise you, if you let me, I will prove to you every day I love you.

Rick, just in case you think this is a ploy to get you to forgive me to get my position back, I will resign my position, if you ask me to, I have already taken down the board, the one only you know about, you have convinced me that living is worth so much more than dying for a cause. PLEASE Rick, I need to speak to you, I know I don't deserve anything but if you love me as much as I think you do, PLEASE don't keep me shut out of your life.

I know you pretty well too, and I am afraid that something is wrong, deadly wrong Rick, I just sense it, and if I don't get a chance to talk to you, I will never forgive myself if something happens to you. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, but I am asking, make that begging you, PLEASE, one call, 5 minutes to tell you I love you and hear your voice.

I am going to say I will see you soon, rather than Good Bye, because I am asking you, PLEASE come back to me, let me prove these aren't just words. Till then please know you hold my heart in your hands, I have played my last game, I am here waiting for you when you are ready,

I love You,

Always,

Kate,

PS. I started this letter as a requirement from my Psychiatrist, but the more I wrote, the more I found out, I really do love you, and I gave in to fear, yeah, your extraordinary role model is nothing more than an afraid little girl, when it comes to relationships, and letting my heart get broken. I know now that I would rather deal with a broken heart after trying, than wonder IF ONLY someday, I hope you give me one last chance to prove it to you, XoXo KB

Kate re-reads the final version as she sips a glass of wine from the last bottle Rick had brought over, and as she reads she realizes she may have to prepare that no matter how much Rick HAD loved her, she could have crossed a line that there is no return. As she transfers the letter from the yellow legal pad, she can't stop the tears from falling, some watermarking sections of the letter, but she can't help it. The more she thinks she may never see Rick again the harder she sobs.

The fellow officers had kidded them about being connected, and now Kate was feeling her partner, and the man she had just admitted she loved with all of her heart was in danger somewhere and she had no way of reaching him. He would never let her slip away from him, if roles were reversed, she had to reach him. She started making a list of alias he had used or suggested recently. Since she was on suspension, she couldn't go to the precinct, at least till Monday.

Desperate times called for desperate measures so she decided to take the risk, she had remote access to the NYPD Data bases and only someone running or checking an audit log would even know her password was used to log on, IF Roy had taken the easy way out and not suspended her privileges, which she was hoping he hadn't. Once the system booted up, she prepared for a long night, coffee, snacks and she made a nature call before she got started. She logged in, a moment delay, "come on come on, YES" as the system logged her in. She started running financials, phones even to Paula, and Gina. She converted a serving tray for breakfast into a mini murder board to track her leads.

About 4 hours into her search she had come across some things she didn't like, no sign of Rick, just as she thought but there were some bread crumbs from his associates. She had Gregg DeLeaver marked as a college friend, and a hit on his financials revealed a one day stay at the Orion Hotel Toronto Canada, Air Canada Flight booked the same day, and returned the next afternoon.

In researching his profession, she dropped her coffee, Oncologist, participating in trial medication test subjects, in Toronto Hospital. Another receipt was for party of three at the hotel restaurant, parties listed were Rook, Bolin and Doctor on the miscellaneous section of the billing statement electronically processed the same day. Oh God, No, NO NO, IT couldn't be not Rick, maybe she was jumping to conclusions, but she had to know.

She never bothered to look at the time, but called Gina Cowell,

"Gina Cowell, how can I help you detective?"

"Gina do you know a Gregg DeLeaver from Rick's younger days. Does that name make sense to you at all?"

"Yeah, he was Rick's best friend in College, he went on to be a Doctor, in fact he's or at least he was Rick's physician, Why, what's going on?"

"Maybe nothing, but I just have a feeling something is wrong with Rick, and I am trying to do whatever I can to track him down."

"Well good luck with that Kate, Paula is either just as much in the dark as we are or she's just being a super B,"

"What kind of doctor was Gregg when he was Rick's doctor Gina?"

"He was an internist, but I think he was working on another specialty but not sure which."

"Well when he traveled to Canada where did he stay when you two were married, if you remember?"

"God, so many places, he loved Quebec City, and the old hotels but no matter where he went, he always spent at least one night at the Orion Hotel in Toronto, regardless if it was on the agenda or not."

"Thanks Gina, I'm not sure if I know anymore or not, but when or if I do find out anything, I'll call you,"

"Thanks Kate, people think I hate him, it's just the opposite, I love him like I know you do when you finally let go and admit it. He is one of the sweetest men I know, just because our marriage didn't work doesn't mean the love died"

"Thanks Gina,"

"Kate?"

"Yes?"

"Good luck and I hope you find him safe, for all of us"

"Thanks"

Kate immediately went to Air Canada website and booked a flight out to Toronto, for 5:30 AM the next day, if she found him, she really didn't care if the Department fired her, Rick was more important than any damn job. She packed, and booked a room at the Orion Hotel, and carefully folded her letter to Rick, after scanning a copy to show Doctor Burke on Wednesday.

She called Kevin, which was protocol since he was acting lead detective, and left a brief voice mail that she would be out of town, possibly need Monday off, following a lead on Rick, then shut her phone off.

She didn't bother to even try to sleep, rather just double checked her credentials, badge, gun, and passport. She prayed a silent prayer that Rick wouldn't be there or if he were it was for one of his pleasure trips as Gina described.

When she got to the airport, she was early enough to be bumped to the earlier flight and took off within 25 minutes of arriving at the airport. Toronto was a short flight from New York, so short in fact the Flight Attendants had only time to offer a quick beverage and then they were preparing for landing. The flight landed at 5:10 AM, before she was even scheduled to depart on the original flight.

One advantage of early flights was no traffic, she hopped into a cab and was at the Orion Hotel before 6:00 AM. As she approached the check in counter, she had a feeling, just one that she got when Rick was around, and as she took two steps down to the area, there he was, coming out of the gym.

"Rick, can you give me one minute please?" she called loudly, He turned to face the voice, that voice that haunted his dreams nightly if he were truthful,

Kate? What are you doing here?