Chapter 9

"….Okay, well, just let me know if you can identify the weapon used. And what that white residue is when you test it," Kate said in conclusion of her visit to the latest murder scene assigned to her. Their victim, a white male appearing to be in his early or mid twenties, had his throat cut (presumably cause of death due to the blood spilled across his torso). His body had been discovered in a car that did not appear to belong to him by a passer-by earlier that morning, which meant the duty of finding who took the man's life had fallen in Kate's hands.

"Always do," Lanie told her wink a wink. The two women then walked away from the scene, Lanie pulling off her rubber gloves, while Kate jotted down a few notes for herself to look into when she got back to her desk. "Hey, um, no Castle today?" Lanie asked as she looked around as though she half expected to find him hiding behind one of the cruisers stationed at the end of the block, closing it to traffic while they investigated and photographed the area.

Kate frowned slightly at the mention of her absent partner. "Oh. No. Not this case."

"Not last weeks either, right? What's going on? I mean…is something going on between you two? Oh! Is that why he's not consulting with the NYPD anymore?" Lanie asked, her voice elevating with presumed excitement.

The creases in Kate's brow deepened. "No, no; nothing like that. He's just…he's just not taking cases right now."

"Really? Why? Did he say?"

Kate shook her head and shrugged. Then she echoed the exact sentence the PI had told her when they last spoke. "He told me that he's got a lot on his plate right now and he'll be back when he feels he has the right amount of time to dedicate to a case."

That time, it was Lanie who frowned. "Really? But I…I don't know if I've seen him this month at all. Are you sure something didn't happen between you two?"

A breathy noise of annoyance escaped Kate's lips. "No. Definitely not. And I don't think anything will, honestly. Especially not…never mind." She shook her head, not wanting to get into the embarrassing memories in such a public setting.

Of course, her comment only succeeded in intruding her friend who stepped up a little bit closer and accused, "Something did happen, didn't it?"

"N-no…it, I mean, we—god." She groaned at her own inability to spit the words out. Shaking her head, she tried again. "We…we kind of almost kissed."

"WHAT?!"

"Lanie!" Kate hissed to quiet her squealing friend.

"Sorry—why didn't you tell me?"

Kate suppressed a shiver at the memory of the moment she found to be quite embarrassing. "Because it was…I don't know." She huffed out a breath and covered her face with her hands. Even then, a month later, she still wasn't entirely sure how their non-date date had taken a turn. Well, okay, she knew. They were having a sweet moment and if she thought about it objectively she supposed she could not entirely blame her partner for sensing some romanticism in the air. And maybe if their non-date date had taken place in January, she would have felt okay kissing him, but that close to Christmas? She just…couldn't.

"It the week before Christmas and he was just looking so stressed, you know? After everything with Alexis and his ex-wife I couldn't blame him, but I still felt like he was trapped in a stressful pattern, so I said I'd take him out for a drink and to a movie—just to take his mind off everything. So…we went and…" She sighed, and a soft smile crossed her face. "It was nice. It was fun…and then I was walking him to his door afterwards and he…there was a moment when I thought he was going to kiss me."

"So what did you do?"

With a slight cringe she confessed, "Quickly said goodnight and left."

Lanie's jaw dropped. "Wha—Kate!"

"I know. I should…I guess I could have handled it better—I admit that—but I wasn't ready! Not then! Even…even if we could have just called it a moment we had at the end of that night, I'd already agreed to see him a few days later because Alexis wanted me to bake cookies with them and I…I thought it would be awkward."

"Wasn't it anyway?" Lanie asked with an arched brow.

"Um…I don't think so? At least, it didn't seem like it was to me, but Alexis was there the whole time so maybe that was why. I…I'm honestly not sure, all I know is that since Christmas it's been a little bit weird between us."

Lanie scoffed. "Well yeah – you ran away from his kiss in horror!"

Kate squeaked. "Wha—no! Not horror! Just…confusion." And maybe a little bit of fear, she added to herself. "I just…" She rounded her shoulders as she continued. "I know the holidays get crazy and I get that. I thought we'd kind of find our footing again in the new year, but… but every time I talk to him, he sounds more distant. Like he's… I don't want to say brushing me off, because that's not quite right. He does a good job of making himself sound busy, so maybe he is, but part of me just can't help but think he realized he didn't want to be with someone who has baggage and isn't a big fan of celebrating holidays."

Lanie gazed at her for a few moments, considering, before ultimately saying, "Don't take this the wrong way but: you're giving him too much credit."

"What does that mean?"

Shaking her head with amusement, Lanie said, "It means men are far simpler creatures than that. He probably saw you deflect a kiss and interpreted that as you just wanted to be friends."

Kate had initially considered that Occam's razor conclusion, but then dismissed it as her brain continued to process the situation. "But then why would he stop taking cases?"

"I don't know…Because he's in love with you and is trying to get over you which is easier when he's not around you?" she guessed.

"He's not in love with me," Kate said firmly; such a notion was ridiculous.

"He could be."

"I doubt it, but I suppose…I suppose he could be staying away because he doesn't want to make my feel uncomfortable." When Lanie nodded, agreeing to this idea, Kate skimmed her teeth across her bottom lip and asked, "So…I should reach out to him, right?"

"Certainly, wouldn't be a bad idea. Just, don't wait too long, okay Kate?"

"Yeah," she agreed. Then, she bid goodbye to her friend, and walked back to her cruiser so she could return to her precinct and continue investigating the case.

Kate focused her attention on running the plates and names on the registration for the vehicle the vic had been discovered in. She then searched for traffic camera footage, or any other views of their crime scene that could help her piece together what went on. When Lanie emailed her prints, she ran those, and then began to build the all-important Murder Board. She worked diligently without her mind wandering for almost three hours when, on a trip back from the bathroom, her eyes fell on the vacant chair beside her desk—the one in which Castle usually sat—and her heart clenched with sadness.

She missed him. She missed his smile. She missed his jokes. She even missed the absurd theories he threw out both to annoy her and make her laugh.

When the image of his smile and flirtatious blue eyes flashed into her mind, Kate reached out for her cell phone and pulled up her text message chain with Castle. Their last communication had been two days prior when he sent her a cartoon image of a fumbling detective obviously meant to entertain. That was a good sign, right? That he was still texting her unprompted? True, a silly cartoon was hardly anything overly intimate, but it was better than nothing.

Her fingers poised above the keyboard for several moments as she thought of something witty to say to him, nothing came to mind. She stared at the screen so long that the backlight ended up going off and, with a huff, she gave up and dropped the phone back down to her desk.

God, what was wrong with her? She had no doubt Lanie would be able to whip up a flirty or funny message on demand, so why couldn't she? Why couldn't she be loose and casual with her heart? Hell, she would have even settled for slightly more relaxed, but no… that just wasn't her.

The more she thought about the uphill battle she faced when being in a truly open relationship, the more Kate felt her chest begin to tighten. What if being in a relationship just wasn't in the cards for her? What if she tried to be open and screwed it up? What if she ended up hurting both of them in the process?

It had been so long since she had been carefree and open, she almost forgot what it was like. She knew she'd stumble, and that was okay; she felt she and Castle could both recover from a stumble, but what about an all-out face-plant? Was it really wise of her to try out a full adult relationship for the first time with a man who had a small child who already looked up to her? With a man who had his heart broken so recently by his ex-wife?

The absolute last thing Kate wanted was to hurt him. She saw how much he'd suffered during the parts of his divorce when Meredith was being particularly obstinate. She saw it again barely more than a month prior when she was once again complicating his life. He spoke about her with no small amount of bitterness—and, after what she'd witness, she didn't fault him for that—but the last thing she wanted was for a time to come when he thought of her the same way; that would tear her apart.

She knew there was a chance it would all be fine. That the level to which they cared for each other then, before they even became intimate, would guide them through the rough times ahead, but…god, what if they didn't? What if she was simply better off alone?

"Whoa look at that—you ate all your green beans without me having to remind you. Great job, pumpkin." Castle cheered the small victories of fatherhood when his daughter carried her empty dinner plate over to where he stood at the counter, cleaning up crumbs and assorted spills.

She gave a noncommittal shrug. "I was hungry."

"Well there's plenty of beans leftover for tomorrow," he said with a wink.

"Hey Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Did you talk to Kate today?"

He turned his head to gaze down at Alexis, who stood a foot away looking equal parts innocent and curious. "Um…no, I didn't. Why do you ask?"

Again, she shrugged. "Just wonderin'. I mean…she hasn't come to visit us in forever!"

He chuckled at his daughter's slight dramatization. While Kate had stopped by briefly on New Year's Day, they hadn't had an extended visit from her since they baked cookies for Christmas. That date had been a month earlier, but that hardly classified as a time that could be described as "forever", though he knew the perspective of seven-year-olds was quite different than his own.

"Well, you know we talked about how Kate's mother died in January a few years back and this time of year is really hard for her. I think she just feels better being by herself."

"Because she's sad?"

"Yes."

"But she's always happy when she's here. We can cheer her up!"

He reached out and tapped her nose with his soapy finger; she giggled. "I wish it were that simple, sweetie."

"But she's still our friend, right?"

"Of course she is. Tell you what—I'll check in with her in the next few days and maybe we can set something up, okay?"

"Okay." Alexis nodded before wandering off towards the sitting room to presumably watch her half hour of allotted school-night television.

Turning back to the dishes in the sink, Castle sighed and rested his hands against the counter. Though he never wanted to lie to his daughter, he wasn't sure how much success he would have with messaging Kate and asking if she wanted to come to dinner or to have a game night. Worst of all he knew that Kate's potential refusal would be entirely his fault.

Six weeks earlier he'd been an absolute fool and had tried to kiss his colleague-slash-friend. They had agreed their evening out wasn't a date and he respected that, but then she'd walked her home, and she just looked so beautiful in the dim light of the hallway. That combined with the three beers he'd had that night had him reading the moment wrong and leaning in for a kiss which she turned away from. Of course he did not blame her in the least for that; the moment certainly hadn't been right—not when they had just been discussing her mother's death not a few minutes earlier—thus the awkwardness he created had been his fault and his alone.

Admittedly, he probably made the situation even slightly worse (assuming that was possible) by throwing himself into the Nikki Heat novel he was writing. He didn't regret that action as was quite pleased with the progress he was making on the story, but in hindsight he could have split his time a bit more evenly between writing and working on cases with the NYPD. He'd been afraid of interrupting his flow, which was why he only took a few random PI cases to keep money flowing, but nothing of a highly complex or criminal variety.

When it came right down to it, he did miss Kate—her smile, her laugh, the way she tucked her hair behind her ear when she was just a little bit embarrassed. His life did feel a little less bright without Kate in it, but, then again, since he felt there was so much of her in Nikki, he did feel that a bit of her remained with him as long as he was writing. Still, that character was a pale imitation of the real thing, which meant he needed to pull himself out of his writing bubble and get back to his PI work, at least for a little while. Then maybe if he asked Kate to come to dinner, she wouldn't turn him down. Maybe then they could get back to the place he wanted them to be—together.