Chapter 11

"Okay, we've got popcorn, drinks, and a blanket…anything we're missing?"

Kate gazed with amusement at Castle as he returned to the sitting area with a large bowl of popped popcorn in his hand. She and Alexis were already on the couch, a shared blanket draped across their lap as they waited for Saturday Night Movie Night to begin. When Alexis first proposed the idea, Kate hadn't hesitated to agree, but she had not anticipated Castle making such a big deal out of the event. Then again, since some days he made a big deal out of simply getting lunch, she shouldn't have been surprised.

"All ready, Dad!" Alexis informed him.

"Great. What movie did you choose?"

"That one!" she said, proudly pointing to the DVD box on the coffee table.

Castle picked it up and read, "Oh, Barbie's Princess Wedding…again," he added with a pointed look towards Kate. She stifled a laugh as it was clear from his tone that this movie was not one of his favorites.

"But Kate hasn't seen it yet, Dad."

"Right. Of course. I'm sure she'll be thrilled."

"Don't worry, Alexis," Kate began, nudging the girl's arm a little, "I'm looking forward to the movie."

Alexis gave her a small smile and then they relaxed back on the sofa as Castle put the DVD in the player and then joined then sat down on the other side of Alexis. Then, he grabbed a handful of popcorn to jam into his mouth and pressed the "play" button on the remote.

Though Kate tried to have an open mind, within just five minutes she fully understood why Castle had been less-than-enthusiastic about Barbie's wedding adventures. Of course Kate could tell simply from looking at the DVD cover that the film would not be Oscar-winning, but she had vastly underestimated just how bad it would be. Well—not bad. Just…not well suited for adults. Clearly, Alexis was enjoying herself.

The movie centralized around Barbie, who was a princess of an unnamed land in this version of her story. She had already met her prince charming (Ken, of course), and was preparing to wed, only she faced an amazing number of difficulties. As it was a movie for small children, nothing scary or overly dramatic happened, most of the mishaps involved lost items or a small tear in her veil. But in the end, Barbie and Ken married and they all seemed to live happily ever after.

"Did you like the movie, Kate?" Alexis asked hopefully as her father put away the DVD.

"Um…sure; it was cute." Truthfully, it wasn't a terrible way to spend seventy-five minutes of her life, though she imagined if she had been forced to sit through it as many times as Castle had she might have a different opinion.

Gazing up at her with innocent blue eyes, Alexis said, "When I get married, I want a big puffy dress just like Barbie's dress. What about you?"

Recalling that the diameter of Barbie's princess ball gown was probably equivalent to her height, Kate shook her head. "Um, no. No, that's a little bit too much dress for me, I think."

"What kind of dress do you want?"

Shrugging, Kate told her honestly, "I haven't given it much thought."

"Why not? You're kind of old…"

"Alexis!" Her father immediately scolded her before apologizing to Kate and reminding his daughter, "We do not tell people they are old or look old; that's not very nice."

Her cheeks a bit crimson, Alexis turned to Kate and said, "Sorry."

More amused than offended, Kate chuckled and brushed her hand over Alexis's arm. "It's fine. I just…you know, I just think about work a lot, not weddings, but I'll…I'll probably wear a simpler dress. Not so much poof."

Her smile returning, Alexis proclaimed, "But poof is fun!"

"Well, that's why there are so many different types of dresses, I guess—everyone like's something different," Kate pointed out.

"And, on that note, it's time for bed."

Alexis groaned, "Noooo," to her father, but he was not deterred. He reached out and gently pulled her off the couch then pointed her in the direction of the hall. He told Kate he'd return in a few minutes, and then followed her as she shuffled, grumbling the whole way.

Though Kate chuckled at the scene, after they disappeared, and she was left alone on the couch, a vision of herself wearing an enormous white ballgown entered her mind and she felt a shiver travel up her spine. While wearing a dress of that magnitude certainly would have been shocking in of itself, it was not the dress that unsettled Kate at that moment, but the notion of a wedding—and a marriage—as a whole.

Not once in her adult life had Kate thought about getting married or being married. She had never been with a man who made her think about the future and what it might have in store. She had never envisioned herself in a white dress walking down an aisle towards a smiling, tuxedo-wearing man. She was not outright opposed to the idea of marriage, but its very nature terrified her.

For almost two months—since the day a bullet grazed her arm—she and Castle had been growing ever-closer. In fact, on night's like that one, it definitely seemed as though they were a real couple but for the fact that they never did anything more intimate than hug. She loved their time together; she loved how close they were growing. They had definitely returned to the place they were before Alexis's accident—the place when she thought they might become more but having Castle's daughter ask her about marriage merely dredged up the feelings of uncertainty that were always bubbling just beneath the surface of her mind.

If she and Castle were to become a real couple would they be on a marriage track? That was: did Castle even want to get married again after everything that happened with his first wife? At the very least it seemed plausible he would not want to dive head first into another serious relationship. That part she didn't mind; she had no problems if their relationship started casual and uncomplicated (though, admittedly, with her being so close to Alexis already, complication seemed unavoidable).

Even if Castle did want to get married again, what if he…well, what if he didn't want to marry her?

Kate knew that in order for their relationship to be successful and to be the kind of relationship she wanted, she would have to do everything she could to let go of her fears and open her heart fully to him. She wanted to do that—she was already so close!—but in doing so she opened herself up to the thing she'd been avoiding for nearly a decade: being hurt.

What if she opened herself fully to Castle and they were together for a period of time until he realized that she wasn't actually what he wanted. What if he wanted someone who was as enthusiastic about Christmas and other holidays as he was? What if he wanted someone who told silly jokes and was good at playing ridiculous games? What if he wanted someone who was complete, not broken?

No matter how much she told herself that Castle knew more about her than any other man before him, the fear remained. They had enough talks for him to be aware of her shortcomings—at least, some of them—so surely if he was totally disinterested, he would not have continued to encourage their family meals together, nightly phone calls, or movie nights. Still, her fingers trembled at the notion that she might just never be good enough.

With a bounce in his step, Castle returned to the living area where, much to his delight, Kate remained on the couch in the exact position he left her. He had hoped that she would stay for a nightcap after Alexis was in bed—or maybe even just to talk. With her still sitting on the couch, he hoped to join her beneath the blanket in hopes their time together might even progress to a little bit of snuggling.

In Castle's mind, the prior few weeks had been perfect—just as things were meant to be. Well, okay, maybe things could have been better if they involved a little more kissing, but he certainly wasn't issuing any complaints. He and Kate had not only returned to the way things were, but they were in an even better place—spending plenty of time together, chatting on the phone on the days they didn't see each other in person, and having moments. Those were, of course, his favorite times: when her hand would brush his arm or she would hold his gaze just a little too long. He wanted to gather each of them up and bottle them to take with him wherever he went so nothing could ever get him down.

"Hey so did you want a beer? Or I have plenty of whisky if you'd rath…hey." His tone turned abruptly soft when he spotted the strained look on her face. "Is everything okay?"

Looking a bit flustered, she pushed the blanket off her lap, stood, and folded her arms over her chest. "What? Oh, um, yeah—I'm fine."

He took a step closer to her. "Are you sure?"

"Mmhm. It's…it's nothing. I was…I was just thinking about what Alexis said."

"Oh, Kate." He half-groaned at the recollection of his daughter's assessment. He had no idea where such a comment had come from; she was usually so polite! "You know you're not old, right? You wont even be thirty until later this year!"

She looked slightly caught off-guard. "Wha…no—no not about that. I was thinking about wedding dresses…weddings…and how…how I probably won't get married—ever."

His brow wrinkled at her slightly unexpected statement. "You mean because…you don't believe in marriage?"

She gave her head a quick shake. "No. Just…I guess I'm just limiting my expectations because I figure no one will be interested."

His jaw fell open slightly at her statement that he was surely misunderstanding. How could she think that no one would be interested in marrying her when had certainly entered his mind more than once. She was such an incredible woman; it seemed unlikely he was the only one. "I…I guess I don't understand what you're saying."

"Then just forget it."

"No," he challenged, taking another step towards her so they barely stood more than a few feet apart. "Tell me. Please."

She groaned and raked her fingers back through her hair. Then, skimming her left hand down over her neck she began, "I'm not good at relationships—I'll admit it. My mother was murdered, my father became an alcoholic and after all that… Part of me just shut down. It's all on me—all the struggles I have with opening up—that's on me and I know that. I try…I've been trying, but sometimes I think its not enough…but what if it's all I can do? What if I try my hardest but….but I still can't find someone who wants to put up with me."

Castle was stunned for a moment by the most intimate confession he'd ever heard from her. Gazing into her eyes he didn't see the strong, brave, kick-ass Kate Beckett he'd come to know, but a vulnerable, uncertain woman with a damaged heart hoping that someone could love her, despite her shortcomings. As he unquestionably believed himself to be that man, he said softly, "Not possible."

A breathy noise that wasn't quite a laugh or a sigh escaped her lips. She shook her head and told him, "You can't know that."

"I can, because I…do..." His confident statement trailed off at the end when he realized the words came from his heart without his permission. They stared at each other, each a bit wide-eyed, for ten seconds before he broke their eye gaze and brushed his fingertips over his forehead. "Wow. Um. Okay. That's out there, but you know its good. It…it's time." He nodded his head, more confident in what had inadvertently transpired. They couldn't live with just those little movements forever—he knew that—but he had also failed to come up with the "right time" to tell her how he felt, so that moment seemed as good as any, particularly if she was already in a vulnerable state.

He watched her chest rise and fall for several seconds before she whispered, "Time?"

"Yeah. Time to stop…I don't know—dancing around this thing. You feel it, too—at least, I think you do. But…well, the truth is I haven't wanted to be a PI for a while now…since the new year. That's the real reason I backed off on my cases with the NYPD; I've been writing again. I know—I didn't say anything," he added hastily when her eyes widened, "and I should have, but I was nervous…nervous I'd get halfway through the book and then be crippled with writer's block like I was with Storm, but I haven't. I mean, it's going well. I'm about two-thirds done with the book."

The uncertainty melted from her expression as she proclaimed, "That's great!"

He smiled. "It is, but it also kind of sucks, because I don't get to see you, to be your partner, because honestly that's the only reason I've kept taking any PI business at all in the past three months—just so I could spend time with you."

Castle stepped forward until he was within touching distance of Kate. He reached down and picked up her left hand with his right and brushed his thumb over her knuckles. "I know it's different now that we have evenings like this one. We'd still see each other even if I wasn't working cases, but I… I really liked working cases with you because that meant I saw you almost all day for several days in a row and I really want to see you every day. I want to see you smile every day. That's why I started to bring you coffee."

For possibly the longest fifteen seconds of his life, Kate merely stared at him, statuesque and hardly breathing. Then, her jaw opened slightly, and he could see tears glistening in the corner of her eyes. After a few more seconds of silence, she managed, "I…how long have you felt this way?"

He let out a breathy laugh as he felt his cheeks and ears turn warm. He gave her hand an extra little squeeze before dropping it and bringing up his right hand to rub against the back of his neck. "Oh…awhile. An embarrassingly long time, probably."

"Oh, Rick…"

He felt his skin flush again at her use of his first name, which she so rarely spoke. Thinking it might have been an indicator that he overwhelmed her a bit with his confession, he apologized. "Sorry. I know that was a lot—and not what you were expecting tonight."

"No. No." She shook her head and brushed her fingers over her cheeks, then she gave him a soft smile. "But you're completely right. We have been…dancing."

His heart fluttered in his chest as her smile began to spread from ear to ear. Reaching out his hand again, he snagged one of hers and asked, "Since when?"

"Since…December. Our date."

Feeling his heart try to jump out of his throat, he half laughed and pointed out, "I thought it wasn't a date."

She dragged her teeth across her bottom lip in that way that drove him absolutely crazy. "It was a date."

"Thought so."

She reached out with her free hand and placed it flat against his chest. "When we stepped off the elevator, I thought you were going to kiss me. I…part of me really wanted you to, but that scared me, so I ran. I always run," she added with the bitter shake of her head.

He moved his hands to her waist, so he could pull her body just a little closer to his. "What about now?"

"Now…I'm trying not to."

"That's a start."

Her fingers danced across his chest and she dipped her gaze a little as she confessed, "It actually started a little before the holidays."

"How much before?"

Again, she trapped her lip with her teeth. Lowering her chin, she gazed at him from beneath her brow line and confessed, "An embarrassingly long time."

Castle was convinced he levitated in that moment, for his heart was soaring so high it seemed impossible his feet could stay on the ground. "Really?"

She nodded and skimmed her hands up so they rested on the tops of his shoulders. "You're the first person I let myself trust in a long time. You're kind, and sweet,…and—and then when Alexis had her accident I felt upset and angry and…it was like you were family."

With her hoarse, clearly emotional confession, Castle was certain: he was in love with her. She was perfect, and absolutely everything he never realized was possible. "We can be."

Rising up on her toes she sighed, "We already are," and then pressed her lips against his.

Castle let out a moan of delight as his hands met behind her back and they sunk in to their first kiss. God, it was the definition of perfection. He could not have written a better moment even if he tried.

They kissed again and again as her hands fell against his cheeks. Unable to resist, his right hand drifted down until he grabbed her ass, dragging her mouth even tighter against his. She laughed, nipped at his bottom lip with her teeth, and then looped her arms around his neck. Parting her lips, she took him all the way in and it was without question one of the best moments of his life.

"God, Kate," he groaned out as their kisses grew more heated. She pulled back enough to grin at him, then began kissing her way across his jawline as her nails raked against his chest. Barely able to think rationally, he muttered out, "We, um, should we—do you want to take things slow?"

She pulled back and gave him one of the sexiest, steamiest gazes he'd ever seen. He actually felt all the blood begin to descend towards the lower half of his body as she grunted, "Are you kidding me?"

"Well, I mean, I was…"

"Castle," she began, pressing a quick kiss against his bottom lip, "Shhh."

"Okay," he agreed happily before looping his arms around her waist and pulling her in for another kiss.

Somehow—though he was not entirely sure how—they managed to make it out of the sitting area without knocking over anything of value. Once in the hall, they were less successful, bumping into a few walls with shoulders and butts until, just outside the bathroom, Castle gave up all together and hoisted Kate up so that her legs locked around his waist. She let out a squeal of delight and continued to kiss him as he pressed her body up against the wall. Her hips ground down against his and he felt all rational thought slip away. He wanted her so much.

"Kate, Kate…" He panted out her name as he ravished her neck with kisses and quick nips of his teeth. Just as he was about to tear her blouse from her body he heard a very confused voice say, "Dad! What are you doing to Kate?"

Every part of Castle's body froze except for his heart, which began thundering at speeds well above a hundred and fifty beats per minute. He simultaneously relaxed his grip on Kate's body and turned towards his daughter's voice, leaving her to slide down the wall until her feet hit the ground. Certain he appeared to be in a completely disheveled state, Castle gazed into her innocent blue eyes and stammered, "Ah, um, well, we, um—wait. Why are you out of bed?" he asked once an ounce of rationality crept into his brain.

"I heard a noise."

"Oh." Right, that was probably them, banging themselves into walls as they tried to….well, never mind. "Um, you know what sweetie, that's totally our fault. We, um, we were playing a game and got a little bit too loud—I'm sorry."

He watched as Alexis's gaze shifted from him to the woman behind him and back. "What game are you playing?"

"Um…" Panicking internally, he turned back to Kate to see she looked equally startled—and disheveled—which really did nothing to aid to the casualness of their defense. Thankfully, Alexis was only seven and had no idea what sex was, so she would probably accept any explanation, even if it was a half-baked one. "It's a new one. Kate was, um, trying to tell me the rules—why, why don't you get back in bed? We'll be quieter; I promise."

"Okay…but you have to teach me a new game too, Kate."

"Uh, sure, Alexis," Kate replied using a higher pitched voice than normal.

Castle watched as his daughter returned to her bedroom, then he turned to his companion who now had both hands up on her face covering her mouth.

"Oh my god," she hissed.

Had he still not been panicking, he might have found the situation funny. Thankfully, he still felt rattled, so he said, "Totally my fault; I'm sorry."

"No, no it's fine. Do, um…should I go?"

Not wanting to miss the opportunity he'd been waiting on for months, he gently placed his hand on her arm and said, "No, no. I mean: just give her a few minutes to fall back to sleep and…and then…"

She smirked at him. "We can keep playing our game?"

He chuckled. "Yeah…something like that… Go on," he gestured towards the room at the end of the hall. "I'll be in shortly."

"Okay," she agreed. Then, once she'd tip-toed down the hall, Castle leaned (gently!) against the wall, shut his eyes, and breathed deeply, for the first time thinking about how he'd almost traumatized his daughter for life. As sexy as Kate was, he still needed to keep his wits about him as long as there was a young child in the same apartment. Especially since he never wanted anything like that to happen again.

Once she was safely behind Castle's bedroom door, Kate shut her eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to recover from the near heart attack she'd just suffered. Once Castle started kissing her, Kate had entirely forgotten about the little girl sleeping down the hall, so the fact that their activities woke her was as much her fault as it was his. Thank god he'd kept his wits about him enough to smooth over the situation. Still, it was not exactly the romantic moment she'd been anticipating.

Opening her eyes, Kate took two steps further into the bedroom only to find that was about as far as she could walk before she bumped in to the queen-sized mattress. Her bedroom certainly wasn't spacious, but this one really was jammed-packed. In addition to the unmade bed and two chests of drawers, the far wall had boxes and plastic storage containers filling up nearly every inch of space along the walls. Taking note of the fact that his closet hardly seemed more than eighteen inches wide, she couldn't blame him for the clutter. Manhattan apartments never did put a priority on storage space. Plus, she very much doubted he expected to have guests in his bedroom that evening—clearly, as he hadn't even made the bed.

Turning around, Kate sat on the end of the mattress and placed her hands on either side of her, drumming her fingers against the sheets as she reviewed the last ten minutes in her mind. Castle wanted her—not just for a night or a fling—but for the long-haul. He cared for her in a way she'd hoped he would and it was wonderful. Somehow, seeing his loving gaze as he spoke such kind things had quelled most of the fears inside and she was ready to just be happy. Very, very happy.

She only waited a few minutes for Castle to enter the room, shut the door behind him and whisper, "Hi."

"Hi," she echoed in a similarly quiet tone.

He dropped to the floor in front of her and kneeled, which made their eyes almost at even level. He stroked his thumb across her cheek and leaned in for a kiss. Though she pressed her lips against his, Kate felt distracted as she thought of the little girl on the other side of the wall, who may or may not have been intently listening to their "game."

Clearly picking up on her hesitance, Castle pulled back and asked, "What's wrong? Are you having second thoughts?"

"No—not at all!" she promised him. Then, gazing quickly towards the door and back she asked, "Do you think she can hear us—Alexis?"

He shook his head. "No she's asleep; we're fine."

Accepting this answer, she pulled him in for another kiss, that time dragging him onto the mattress with her. She scooted back towards the pillows and he followed. When she finally lay back and he hovered above her, he grinned and said, "You're so beautiful," before lowering his body on top of hers. As his hands roamed her sides, she began to unbutton his shirt. Only when her fingertips pressed against his bare chest did he pull back and curse.

"Shit, wait hold on—hold on." He floundered a bit, his body half on hers, half wiggling on the mattress as he reached out for the bedside table.

"What? What are you doing?" she asked.

He grunted as he rolled all the way off the mattress and dug through the second drawer in the end table until he procured a box of condoms, held it up, and proclaimed, "Ah ha! Thank god!"

"Okay," she half laughed, finding his excitement over birth control a bit too extreme.

"I, um, I couldn't remember if I thought about buying these or if I actually did buy them. Thankfully, I actually did, or this evening would have taken a totally disappointing turn."

As he opened the box and removed one of the condoms to place on the nightstand, Kate found his expression to filled with excitement reminiscent of experiences from her late teens, which made a thought pop into her mind. "Have…have you been with anyone since your divorce?"

He sat back on the mattress and shook his head. "Is that okay?"

She pressed her hand on his back and said, "Just asking." Given how things had ended with Meredith, she wasn't surprised Castle had waited a decent period of time before being intimate with someone again. Waiting well over a year was a bit surprising, but then again, it sounded as though he, like she, thought of them as far closer than they technically were for quite some time.

"I just…nothing ever seemed right: the timing, the women. Then I realized that nothing would ever be right—nothing except this." He bowed his head to kiss her then leaned back, shed his shirt, and rejoined her on the bed.

Kate opened her arms and pulled his body against hers. As they kissed and used their hands to explore every inch of one another, Kate knew her partner had been entirely correct: nothing would ever be more right than being with him, the man she was falling in love with.

A/N Thank you all so much for reading & reviewing. There are 2 more parts to this (Ch 12 & epilogue) but this fic is taking a short break because this upcoming weekend is the Tumblr pornado so i will be posting 2 fics for that.

This will be updated next in 1 week

thanks!