I don't own these characters; ABC/Disney does. I don't own the Grapes of Wrath, which gets a shout-out; John Steinbeck does.
3: Ignore it
Emma returned home to the cramped apartment that she was sharing with Henry and her … parents. The concept of parents remained a point of conflict for her. She was not sure how to feel about them, so she mostly avoided it by keeping busy. It was oddly easy to do, especially with the drama of Cora and trips to New York. But, those were actually other things that she did not desire to think about and she was doing a damn good job of acting like they did not happen.
She tried her best to devote all of her brain cells that were not destroyed by alcohol at night to raising Henry and doing her job as sheriff. Of course, being sheriff in a town full of fairytale characters made for a dull moment rare and she could hardly manage through their problems. She was not even sure it she could have a coherent conversation anymore, mostly because she could barely believe what she was saying.
"Hey, Emma," Mary Margaret greeted her as she entered the apartment. Her eyes shined as soon as they settled on the sheriff. She sounded bright and hopeful, as if this would be the very moment that she and Emma's relationship shifted into the realm of normal mother/daughter.
Emma was not sure if they would ever make it to normal. She was not sure if anything would ever be normal. Being honest with herself, she was not sure if she would ever be able to be a daughter, even though she wanted a mother. She just was not sure how to go about having one, especially one that was Snow White. Hell, she could not even think of her as Snow White for more than a couple of seconds.
"Hey," was Emma's response, much more subdued. What else was there to say and how was she supposed to sound? She was saved from an awkward silence by the loud footsteps of her son's approach. He did not walk as much as stomp nowadays. She was not sure why that was.
"Hey, Emma, did you get 'em?" Henry inquired with a grin.
"Yeah, kid, I got 'em. Did you finish your homework?" Emma countered.
"Of course. So, did you find all of them?"
She laughed. "I just said yeah. You keep 'em real organized." In fact, it was beyond what she expected of a ten-year-old. Everything had been neat and orderly. Every comic was kept in a plastic with a cardboard back to keep them in perfect order. There were also more than she imagined. He had a serious collection going.
"Yeah, they used to be a mess and I never could find the ones I wanted to read again, but then…" He paused, as if considering his words. "She put them in order and I kept it up."
"Well, that's good," Emma said with some unease in her heart. She was not sure why she felt that way after all Regina had done. Henry had every right to walk away from Regina, to disassociate with her in whatever way that he could and if that meant referring to her as "she" then so be it. But, a small bit of her disagreed because she internally winced whenever he said it. She tried not to think about it; it was on a growing list of things.
"So, can I have them?" he requested.
She had been expecting him to ask about Regina, but she was learning that somehow he had taken to dealing with tough issues like she did – by ignoring them. Maybe it's genetic. If issues were books, Regina would be an encyclopedia and Henry was very aware of that. Henry probably did not have the time or emotional depth to deal with Regina and probably had no idea where to begin if he did want to deal with even a little at a time. So, she handed over the comics without pushing him to ask after the ex-mayor.
"Thanks, Emma. You're the best," Henry declared with a bright grin.
Emma only shrugged. She did not feel like the best right now. She forced herself not to examine or analyze why that was. She knew that she would not come up with any answers and probably just hurt her head a little more, as that was always the case when she thought about her circumstances.
"How did you even get those? Regina let you take them?" Mary Margaret asked incredulously.
Emma shrugged. "Yup, she handed those over just as she handed over the school books and the winter clothes." She did not see why the short-haired woman was still so surprised. She continued to tell them that Regina offered no kind of trouble when she went there. She was fairly certain they literally did not listen to her.
"She's probably up to something," Mary Margaret proclaimed.
Emma bit her tongue before she said something insulting. While she had no idea what to do with parents, she was happy to have some of her own. So, she tried to watch her tongue around them to avoid upsetting them. She did not want to push them away. Of course, she knew that she was not exactly welcoming them with wide, warm open arms either. She kind of kept them at arm's length, which she had convinced herself was helping her deal with everything.
"I don't think so. She seems … I dunno, tired, I guess would be the best word for it. It could be worse. I used to drive by her house and she had all of the lights out. I didn't know if she was home then, but sometimes I thought I caught a glimpse of her shadow or something," the blonde explained.
"We told you she wasn't in there. She was probably hiding where she was before," Mary Margaret pointed out.
"Before." The unspoken part there being, "Before we accused her of murder and told her son about it." Emma knew that she was prone to make mistakes, but the thing that was starting to crop up in her life was making a mistake and then pretending it was all right, even when she knew it was not. She had messed up and for some reason, never admitted it beyond acknowledging that Archie was alive. She should have spoken to Henry about it, but she did not and she was not sure why, except for the fact that everyone just accepted that she did not have to talk about it.
Emma felt the headache coming, so she did her best to stop thinking about what happened. If I don't think about, I don't have to deal with it. If I don't have to deal with it, I can continue being sane and keep having a family … or whatever this is. She decided to keep the conversation going to make sure she did not think about anything.
"I was never sure, though, if I was seeing her. For a while, I thought she was in there plotting, but then…" Emma paused and glanced at Henry. She doubted this was an appropriate conversation to have in front of him and she wanted to be more mindful of stuff like that. There were things kids were not supposed to know.
"But, then she tried to kill you?" Henry chimed in almost eagerly.
Is he trying to come up with reasons to hate her? Emma did not have the answer to that, but it seemed like he was grasping at straws to make sense of this new, mad world. If he did that then more power to him, but what she was going to say probably would not help.
"I asked around and everyone who lives over there said they hadn't seen or heard from her since … that day at the well," Emma continued. "From experience, a bad day or series of bad days in this case, house quiet, lights always off, and no one's heard from a person in weeks tends to equal hanging from the rafters more than plotting." She hoped Henry did not understand that. He did not need to know and worry that she seriously thought Regina was at risk for suicide, even now. The shattered appearance that greeted her every time she went to the mansion made Emma nervous with each visit, wondering which one would be the last one where she found Regina on the floor with slit wrists and Lady, paws covered in her blood, nuzzling her, trying to wake her up.
Henry's face scrunched up. "Hanging from the rafters? Why would she be doing that? Like for a spell or something?"
Emma shook her head. "Never mind. After a while, I figured that she wasn't plotting and you guys know what I did after that. After the snowstorm, I decided to use it as an excuse to see her. I mean, you did need your winter stuff, but I didn't have to ask her. She looked like death warmed over and your room almost had a tomb like feel."
"You mean like she wants to kill me?" Henry asked, his face twisted up even more so. Now, he was reaching and he clearly knew that.
"No, no, nothing like that. It was just clear that she hasn't touched in your room, probably hadn't gone in it until I showed up. It's like the room of a dead kid. Maybe like a shrine," she explained as best she could.
Henry nodded, but the way his forehead wrinkled, he was obviously concerned. "Is she all right?"
Emma did not want to lie to him, but she did not want to worry him. No, Regina was not all right. The fire in her eyes had gone out. There were cracks in the mask, huge, massive cracks, and Regina did not bother to try to hide them. It was just all out in the open, for any and everyone to see. The slump in her shoulders and the lack of argument said it all – Regina gave up.
Regina was done and that was the thing that troubled her. She doubted someone with fight in them like Regina could just stop fighting. The ex-mayor did not seem to know how to handle that, either. Not from her sickly appearance and her attitude, or lack there of really. Regina was walking a dangerous line and either did not know or did not care. She suspected it was the latter.
"She's getting better, I think. I mean, she seems to mostly just sit on the couch and read, but I think Lady keeps her from getting too depressed," Emma explained, trying to convince him as much as herself. Regina was a fighter. She could not just stop fighting altogether.
"Lady?" Mary Margaret echoed with an arched eyebrow.
"Oh, Regina's puppy," Emma answered, remembering that was not common knowledge. She was just used to the canine now. "They're actually pretty cute together."
"Cute?" Mary Margaret sneered.
"You have to see it to believe it," Emma conceded.
"Where did she get a puppy? Does she plan to use it in a spell?" Henry wondered aloud.
Emma's eyebrows drew close together. "No, she's just taking care of the puppy. Lady seems to keep her calm and she takes good care of Lady from what I can tell. I think it's a good thing." It came back to the idea that she feared Regina might commit suicide. Taking care of Lady seemed to keep her away from that edge. Regina was aware that Lady needed her and she seemed to want to be there for the dog.
"A good thing? She's the Evil Queen, Emma! It's never good with her! It's always evil because she's the Evil Queen!" Henry cried.
"She's not hurting the dog, Henry. She's taking good care of Lady," Emma argued. Despite the things that she knew Regina was capable of, she still internally winced when he said "Evil Queen." A child should not believe his mother was pure evil through and through. Even Neal had been able to make some peace with his father and his father was the Dark One. But, she shook that away because she did not want to think about Neal and was again happy that he went back to New York to deal with his fiancée. Hopefully, that would take a good, long time.
"Oh, yeah? How did she even get a dog? She probably stole it from someone to hurt someone else! She might even be holding it for ransom and torturing it when you're not there!" He sounded so frantic that she had to grab. She held him tightly, though gently, by the shoulders.
"Henry, calm down! It's just a puppy and she's taking great care of Lady. She didn't kidnap her or anything, at least I don't think. Look, kid, not everything Regina does is evil," Emma stated and Mary Margaret immediately scoffed.
"She's the Evil Queen," Henry repeated.
Emma wished that she had a degree in psychology to better understand what Henry was going through. He went from pretending Regina did not exist to now insisting everything she did was pure evil. This could not be healthy for him, but she did not know what to do to help him. She could not even help herself.
"It's just a puppy and I doubt Regina's doing anything evil considering she hasn't left the house in almost a month," Emma pointed out. No, Regina was too broken to scheme and Emma hated that she felt a bit guilty because of her part in Regina's practical demise. She supposed that at least showed she was still somewhat a good person because she was sure Regina did not feel guilt or regret for any of her actions. Regina was just exhausted and that was why she was done.
Of course, that's neither here nor there is it? While Regina had done many things, they were not the things that ran through Emma's mind. They were not the things that whispered to her to flee, but also made her stay. They were not the things that floated through her brain and confused her. She owned those and she wanted to lock them away forever in the dark, cold corners of her mind.
"Are you sure that she hasn't left the house?" Mary Margaret inquired. There was an odd look in her eyes, partly curious, but also part troubled.
"No one I've spoken to has seen her on the street and anytime I randomly show up at her house, she's there. She's not going anywhere," Emma answered.
Mary Margaret nodded and Emma was certain that she saw some sorrow in her eyes. She knew that Mary Margaret was almost as confused on her feelings toward Regina as Henry. While Mary Margaret rarely mentioned the years that Regina had spent as her stepmother, when she did bring it up, there was something that seemed brokenhearted about it. It was more than betrayal, but this underlying hurt as if Mary Margaret still had feelings there for Regina, which only made things worse because they all knew that Regina had nothing but hatred for Mary Margaret.
Sometimes, Emma used to wonder how deep the issues ran between Regina and Mary Margaret. Of course, it had to be deeper now since Mary Margaret tricked Regina into killing her own mother and after only a couple of days of guilt seemed to accept what she had done as righteous and self-defense. According to the town, anyway. Emma had put it on a list of "don't think about" and tucked it into one of the many compartments of her mind because the few times that she had thought about, she never came to the general consensus.
Emma decided to get busy to avoid talking about this anymore because it was making her think. She left to go on patrol without saying anything, just turning and leaving. The town was weird now, more so than before even without the life threatening situations. Some people had decided that they disliked their roles in Storybrooke and had to be "coaxed" into doing their jobs, like the guys that were supposed to plow the streets during the snowstorm. David was good at coaxing; Emma did not have the patience for it.
Of course, the way that he coaxed people left a bad taste in her mouth. It was not that he was doing anything wrong. He just kept promising that soon they would all go back home and everything would be all right. Well, what if someone didn't want to go "home"? Like her, for example. Of course, she seemed to be in a tiny minority considering what was going on in town.
"People abandoning their responsibilities to chase a fantasy while some people struggle just to get through," the sheriff grumbled, not entirely sure what she was pissed about there.
Emma hated the idea of people just walking away from their jobs just because they wanted to go back to living their fairytale. If she of all people had not run screaming into the night and could keep being sheriff, then they could continue being garbage men, nurses, and crossing guards. She was surprised the whole town had not erupted into chaos, but it seemed like things might be getting back to normal. Whatever normal was. Maybe I'm just lying to myself.
-8-8-8-8-
Regina was curled up on her couch, as had become her norm. She had a book in hand and Lady on her lap. Lady was groaning more than usual and nipping at Regina's fingers, distracting her from reading. No amount of petting or kissing could get Lady to stop.
"You don't want to hear this one, Lady? Or have we exhausted your tolerance on Steinbeck?" Regina asked and the puppy whined. "He is rather depressing, is he not?" Lady gave her a look that drew a small smile out of her. "All right, no more Steinbeck. I have some poetry books that I haven't had a chance to sample. Perhaps poetry will clear your mood. I once enjoyed poetry when I was much younger. But, first, let's get you a treat for soldiering through a book you're not enjoying."
Lady yapped, all in favor of that. Regina put the book down and reached for the closed container of treats that she kept right on the coffee table. More often than not, she did not feel like leaving the sofa, so plenty of things were within arm's reach, especially since there were even times she did not feel like doing magic.
Once Lady had her treat, Regina had to drag herself off of the sofa. "I'm starting to feel my age, Lady. Maybe laying on the sofa isn't the best idea for the whole winter. It is bleak and cold, but as long as I allow my mood to reflect that, I cannot properly care for you. So, today will be the last day of our self-imposed insulation. You deserve walks, and parks, and chases," Regina declared.
Lady seemed to agree as she let out a merry bark. Regina smiled again and began looking through one of her many bookshelves for something more puppy-appropriate. The doorbell interrupted her search. Lady barked and charged the door.
"Lady, stay," Regina commended sternly with a frown. Lady was much too happy to see Miss Swan in her opinion, but that did show her that she needed to take Lady out. The pup was too energetic and needed to socialize.
Regina's thoughts were thrown off as she heard keys in the door. Lady perked up at that sound, too; it was new to her. Her ears moved as the keys turned in the locks. Regina moved to pick Lady up before the door opened. Henry stepped in and it was a good thing that Lady was in her arms because he left the door wide open. Lady wiggled and yelped, trying to make a mad dash for the outside.
"You do have a puppy," Henry gasped with wide eyes.
"Henry, may you please shut the door," Regina entreated, her fear of Lady racing out overriding her joy that her son was home. She could feel her heart pounding, as if it were going to break through her ribs, and her stomach had fallen into the bottoms of her feet.
"What are you doing with her?" Henry inquired, almost as if accusing her of something. The glare in his eyes cut her to the bone and her soul began to hemorrhage.
"With who? Lady?" Regina countered as her eyebrows curled up slightly, creasing her forehead. She could not have done anything with anyone else. She had not been outside – well, not beyond magically moving about for food and that was at night, when the streets were still and quiet. The only person to have seen her was Emma and she had not touched the high and mighty Savior.
Henry only huffed and slammed the door closed. Lady jumped in her arms, but growled in his direction. He marched up stairs, stomping all the way. Lady barked until he reached his room and slammed that door shut. The puppy whimpered and curled into Regina's chest. Regina sighed and, for a moment, considered following Henry, wanting to beg him to stay. It was that compulsion that kept her away from him, though. She was all too aware the desire to hold him close was one of the many reasons that she lost him.
"I turned into my mother with him, Lady," Regina lamented, absently scratching the dog's ear.
Lady gave her a look with far too expressive brown eyes as Regina returned to the sofa. The puppy regarded Regina with a tilted head and then nudged Regina's hand with her nose. She whimpered, a short, little whine. It was something that she did to get Regina's attention, but it did not work. The former queen did not react beyond giving Lady's muzzle a little caress. She did not have it in her to give more, not when her son was in her home and not speaking to her.
"Was I always like that?" Regina searched her memory, wondering if she could pinpoint the moment that she became her mother. Not that she wanted to think about her mother because despite all of the horrible things Cora had done to her, she had still been the instrument of her mother's demise and that pain was fresh.
She had tried her best to avoid being her mother, even though she loved Cora. Cora was her mother, after all. Her mother had hurt her plenty growing up and she did not want to pass that agony on. She had also read plenty of parenting books since they existed in this world and did her best to follow all of the good advice. But, despite her efforts and devotion, she had lost her son and much faster than her own mother had lost her. Clearly, I was worse than even my own mother. I can only be a monster.
Regina did not have time to wallow in her depression. She heard Henry upstairs, coming back to the stairs. Lady trotted off to meet him, hackles up, growling as best she could. He raced down the steps and she almost scolded him, but the words died before they even touched her tongue. It would not do any good, anyway. Lady growled and barked as he descended.
"What did you do, put a spell on her to make her mean? Does she turn into, like, Cerberus or something?" Henry sneered. His eyes burned with displeasure, hatred.
Regina was not sure how to respond to such naked hostility. It not only hurt, but it drained her even more. She decided to meet it with a tip from an article she read about puppies and figured it was best to ignore it. She doubted that she could misdirect it, like she did with Lady.
"Well, aren't you going to say something?" Henry demanded, almost shouting.
Regina was silent. What was there to say beyond begging him to come back and stay? He would not and it would only hurt more to watch him leave. Lady barked, though, louder than before, obviously trying to scare him.
Henry huffed. "Why would you put a spell on a dog? That's just pathetic, like when you tried to make me love you. You won't get away with this spell either. You're probably trying to use that puppy to hurt somebody, but we won't let you. We'll figure out what you're up to and stop you. You may have fooled Emma, but you won't fool Grandma and Gramps. We'll stop you because that's what good guys do. Good always wins."
Again, Regina did not respond, even though her heart clinched at the mention of the love spell. It was pathetic and foolish to think you could make him love you. He will never love you. She knew that to be true just from the heated glare that he threw her.
Henry twisted his face up and his anger was almost tangible. He made fist, as if he did not know what else to do, and then marched to the door. He yanked it open and before she could say anything, Lady took off. She barely had a chance to gasp before Lady was out.
"Lady!" Regina screamed and she shot off the couch. She did not think as she ran to the door, almost shoving Henry out of the way. She got there just in time to see Lady take off up the street. "Lady!" she called again, tears gathering in her eyes already.
Regina actually ran out without any shoes on. By the time she got the fence, Lady was out of sight, going through bushes in a yard a few houses away. Regina put a hand to her face and then turned around, bolting back into the house.
"Mom," Henry called, sounding confused and maybe a little concerned, but she was not paying him any mind right now.
Regina slipped on the first pair of shoes that she could and then picked up Lady's favorite toy. She went back through the door. She barely thought to pull the door shut and did not pull it close all the way.
"Mom!" Henry called again.
"I need to get Lady," Regina replied, as if that explained everything. "I can't believe you let her out! How could you let her out?" she cried.
"I didn't mean to!"
"You didn't mean to? You just accused me of using her in a spell and then you held the door open! What could you have possibly meant to do?" Regina sobbed.
Henry froze and she did not stick around to hear his excuses. She ran up the street, calling for her puppy and squeaking Lady's favorite toy. Overhead, thick grey clouds hung like the sword of Damocles and she heard thunder, but it did not register to her mind. All she wanted was to find Lady.
"Lady!" Regina's voice was desperate and raw. She squeezed the yellow rubber ducky in her hand, causing it to let out a high-pitch squeak. "Lady!" There was another thunderclap and lightning flashed up ahead. "Lady!"
-8-8-8-8-
Emma found herself driving down Regina's street because the station had been flooded with calls that they saw the former queen roaming around. The calls sounded frantic, people telling tales of horror with the Evil Queen menacing through their yards, looking to destroy them all. Emma thought they were full of it. She knew that Regina did not leave the house, especially not in chilling downpour that was happening now.
The storm had been days in the making and the rain felt like shards of ice; Emma knew that just from running to the car. She pulled up to Regina's house, rang the bell, and was surprised to have Henry answer the door.
"Kid, what the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be at home!" Emma pointed out, like he did not know that.
"I wanted to see the puppy," he replied, as if that was obvious.
At the mention of Lady, Emma stepped inside and closed the door. She was surprised that the pup had not charged the door. But, then she realized how quiet the place was.
"Where's your mom?" Emma asked, glancing at the couch and seeing it empty.
"Uh … out," he answered.
Emma arched an eyebrow. "Out?" Shit, maybe that was Regina people were seeing. What the hell is she up to then?
"Yeah, uh, the puppy kinda got out and, well, Mom went after her," he explained lamely and Emma could tell that he was not telling the whole truth.
"Lady ran off and Regina went after her in this weather?" Emma glanced out of the window to see that it was still pouring. "Stay here, kid. I need to find your mom." She rushed away before he could respond.
From the calls coming into her office, most people seemed scared to see Regina after a month of peace. She did not need some idiot trying to play a hero, or some hero being an idiot, and attacking Regina. She did not need that sort of drama considering there were still a trillion things that she was doing her best to not think about. She definitely did not want to think of some moronic knight fighting with a suicidal and homicidal Evil Queen that also happened to be her kid's mom.
"Now, where the hell could Regina possibly be?" Emma wondered.
Surprisingly enough, finding Regina was not difficult, especially since she was getting calls on her cell about the Evil Queen. It was the state that Regina was in that was surprising. She was drenched, a desperate thousand yard stare in her eyes, and a rubber ducky in her hands. She walked like a zombie, stumbling while squeezing the duck and calling for Lady. Now, she could understand why people sounded so panicked on the phone because the Evil Queen was acting very weird.
"Regina," Emma shouted, lowering the window to the cruiser and flinching as the cold invaded her cruiser. Regina continued on as if she did not hear her name. "Regina!"
"Lady," the ex-mayor screamed over the pouring rain. She squeaked the duck. "Lady!"
Emma leaned out of the car a little, just to make sure she could be heard over the heavy, hard rain. "Regina, get in the car! You'll freeze to death!"
"I need to find Lady. Lady!" Another squeak.
"Regina, you won't be able to find or help Lady if you freeze to death! Get in the car!"
"Lady!"
"Regina, get in the car! We can drive around and look for Lady!"
That at least made Regina pause. She turned to look at Emma, hair stuck to her face, cheeks pale pink, and lips a frosty blue. Emma put the car in park and got out. She took Regina around the shoulders and led the older woman to the passenger seat. Regina was so out of it that she was totally complaisant with the move. She did not lose that blank stare, though. Emma figured the best thing to do would be to drive around for a few minutes and then take Regina home.
Regina did not make a sound, did not mask her tears, and only looked straight ahead. This was beyond broken, beyond shattered. Emma hoped that this was not the straw that broke the camel's back. She hoped this was not the end.
-8-8-8-8-
Next time: Regina spirals down and Emma tries to catch her.